alex g will make the most mind numbingly earth shattering most trembling falling to your knees excruciatingly desperately beautiful song ive ever witnessed before and it's literally 1:04 long
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sk1nnyang1
cant even get emotional to his music because you blink and the songs over like nooo i need to marinate in the pain </3
this beauty stuff is bullshit
why am i trying to be "pretty" when there are people who find a bmi of 24 pretty and people who find a bmi of 14 pretty
there is no ultimate goal because no matter what i look like i will not be able to please everyone
this is misery!!!
why am i trying to be "pretty" when there are people who find a bmi of 24 pretty and people who find a bmi of 14 pretty
there is no ultimate goal because no matter what i look like i will not be able to please everyone
this is misery!!!
'and dry your eyes, I won't tell your mother
she won't ever discover
the things you kept under the covers, and
please don't cry
I am not your brother
I am not your lover
and there is nothing wrong.'
she won't ever discover
the things you kept under the covers, and
please don't cry
I am not your brother
I am not your lover
and there is nothing wrong.'
i just love getting up from the toilet thinking my sentence is finally over, but then it hits once more and i have to immediately get back down... feeling like a soldier at war rn </3
grrrrrrraaaaaaaahhhhhhh he a eater he ate it for lunch bitch im a baddie i get what i want like??
would i kill myself given the chance? well it depends on what day you catch me on
have i just gotten home from school laughing with my friends? did i have coffee that morning? am i sleepy, could i fall asleep if i lied down on my bed? is it raining? does my skin feel soft and do i still smell like jasmine and amber? are my lips glossy? all very important factors
if yes, then i likely would not. i'd likely say "no thanks, i'm a strong girl, i can tough it out, be brave for tomorrow"
but what if i just got home from school after being obviously judged by girls who secretly hate themselves? what if my friends weren't at school so i walked home alone? what if the sky has no clouds and the sun baked me alive the whole walk home? what if my hair is greasy and my mascara is clumpy? what if i don't like my outfit and i'm really thirsty? what if the moment i arrive i am lectured and fought with by my father? what if my feet hurt? all very important factors
if yes, then i likely would. i'd say "i've had enough of this, take me, i can't handle one more day where my nails look ugly and my nose is sweaty"
funny how my entire will to live depends on the day
so why haven't i killed myself before, on bad days?
big question
have i just gotten home from school laughing with my friends? did i have coffee that morning? am i sleepy, could i fall asleep if i lied down on my bed? is it raining? does my skin feel soft and do i still smell like jasmine and amber? are my lips glossy? all very important factors
if yes, then i likely would not. i'd likely say "no thanks, i'm a strong girl, i can tough it out, be brave for tomorrow"
but what if i just got home from school after being obviously judged by girls who secretly hate themselves? what if my friends weren't at school so i walked home alone? what if the sky has no clouds and the sun baked me alive the whole walk home? what if my hair is greasy and my mascara is clumpy? what if i don't like my outfit and i'm really thirsty? what if the moment i arrive i am lectured and fought with by my father? what if my feet hurt? all very important factors
if yes, then i likely would. i'd say "i've had enough of this, take me, i can't handle one more day where my nails look ugly and my nose is sweaty"
funny how my entire will to live depends on the day
so why haven't i killed myself before, on bad days?
big question
ripping my hair out i hate boys i hate boys i hate boys!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i hate boys im never getting married to man matter of fact im lesbian now!!!!!!!!!
i hate boys im never getting married to man matter of fact im lesbian now!!!!!!!!!
realizing now that i spend way too much time online and would probs be a healthier person without this site
but its ok we ball
but its ok we ball
i love my curves until i hear how they are spoken about
and now every fiber in me wants to starve and starve and starve until they're all gone
and i won't ever be scrutinized again
i will be soft and small and delicate and pure and i won't be looked at ever again
only my own to love
and now every fiber in me wants to starve and starve and starve until they're all gone
and i won't ever be scrutinized again
i will be soft and small and delicate and pure and i won't be looked at ever again
only my own to love
to hurt someone who has hurt you is a bittersweet sensation, like a charred marshmallow who crumbles into ashes across your teeth before melting sugar over your tongue.
it truly baffles me how sheltered some people are. i have already seen two verbatim examples of the utter incomprehensibility of today's society, especially the youth. i am the kind of person who does not very much care for social status. i have tried to work my way up the ladder, i've succeeded, i've failed, and ultimately i learned that if you try to be someone, you're never going to be someone. the popular people that we see in today's social structures, think of schools or even workplaces, 99% of the time did not try to be popular. they just made friends, lived their life, and accidentally landed at the top. and we think it's so fascinating or such a lucky existence to be them, but it's not, because i've been that, and it's miserable.
first of all, you have to talk shit about everyone. you have to be willing to dump your relationship with anyone if you want to be at the top. it does not matter if the person is the kindest individual you've ever met and has literally done nothing wrong to you ever; if someone else is talking bad about them and you so much as stay silent, you will be talked bad about. you will be thrown down the ladder. and it's miserable. you have to join in if you're not already starting it, you have to agree with whatever anyone else says most of the time, you have to sacrifice time alone and time with your family/other friends to go spend time with them, it's brutal.
since experiencing and observing this sort of lifestyle i have realized that it is not for me. i cannot speak badly of a gentle and well meaning person simply because other people are doing so. i cannot force myself to engage in conversation that is constantly about somebody else, and if it's not, it's about what you think they think about somebody else. in short, it's awful. so i have given it up. i am not at the top of the ladder, i am living my life far above it, and i am well liked and well spoken of simply because i speak well of others and do not discriminate my friendships based off of social status. the only times i am spoken badly of is by those exact people who cannot speak of anything but others. so, i am now friends with just about anyone. if put in the situation, i can easily adapt and banter with other people, and i do so often. if i am seated at a table with people who are not necessarily popular, i will chat and get to know them, and decide for myself if i appreciate their company or not. it is ultimately my decision who i spend my breathing hours with and i refuse to have that chosen for me !
the other day i was walking in the hallway with a friend of mine that i've known for a while, someone who has been loyal to me and an overall good person. she is not necessarily popular. and as we are bantering, an "ex-friend" of mine who is roughly around the top of the ladder (we stopped being friends due to her leaving me for the ladder) literally stopped whatever she was doing and whoever she was talking to to stare at me as i walked by with a jaw-dropped sort of countenance. i mean literally. mouth wide open. and i sort of questioned this as i reached my class. why are you so implicitly surprised that i am friends with someone who i enjoy talking to? if you don't enjoy her company, don't be friends with her, but don't stare at me like i have four heads because i have a matured enough social palette to be able to talk to someone that's not a clone of me. goodness.
and another time in a class of mine, we were free to do as we wish since because of a school trip only half the class was present, and so i sort of hovered in the middle of conversation between people. i noticed that now that i do not care so much about status, i actually have conversation revolve around me - having to ask one person to pause so i can answer another person, having multiple people ask me questions all at once - instead of before when i would mindlessly sit and listen to people drone on about somebody's virginity loss or somebody's new lashes. anyway, the people in the conversation were sweet people, i liked speaking to them, they were funny and interesting, we could talk about how one girl in the group was arrested in 5th grade or how one guy went to a carnival with friends and got too drunk to find their car. but a few days later, i was speaking to a girl i am relatively friends with, also on the ladder, and she said to me "how were you sitting with such weird people? i almost wanted to come over and save you" but i noticed her that day in class sitting silently on her phone alone since her friends weren't in class, while i was the one in a real vibrant conversation. i didn't need saving. i was truly happy and entertained and she was choosing to be alone rather than try to speak to someone new. it's one thing if she was shy, but i know she's not, she's just stern on who she associates with. i understand her. it's just painful.
but yeah that's my rant, i needed to express what i was pondering in the shower now that my hair needs to dry. i just find the concept funny.
first of all, you have to talk shit about everyone. you have to be willing to dump your relationship with anyone if you want to be at the top. it does not matter if the person is the kindest individual you've ever met and has literally done nothing wrong to you ever; if someone else is talking bad about them and you so much as stay silent, you will be talked bad about. you will be thrown down the ladder. and it's miserable. you have to join in if you're not already starting it, you have to agree with whatever anyone else says most of the time, you have to sacrifice time alone and time with your family/other friends to go spend time with them, it's brutal.
since experiencing and observing this sort of lifestyle i have realized that it is not for me. i cannot speak badly of a gentle and well meaning person simply because other people are doing so. i cannot force myself to engage in conversation that is constantly about somebody else, and if it's not, it's about what you think they think about somebody else. in short, it's awful. so i have given it up. i am not at the top of the ladder, i am living my life far above it, and i am well liked and well spoken of simply because i speak well of others and do not discriminate my friendships based off of social status. the only times i am spoken badly of is by those exact people who cannot speak of anything but others. so, i am now friends with just about anyone. if put in the situation, i can easily adapt and banter with other people, and i do so often. if i am seated at a table with people who are not necessarily popular, i will chat and get to know them, and decide for myself if i appreciate their company or not. it is ultimately my decision who i spend my breathing hours with and i refuse to have that chosen for me !
the other day i was walking in the hallway with a friend of mine that i've known for a while, someone who has been loyal to me and an overall good person. she is not necessarily popular. and as we are bantering, an "ex-friend" of mine who is roughly around the top of the ladder (we stopped being friends due to her leaving me for the ladder) literally stopped whatever she was doing and whoever she was talking to to stare at me as i walked by with a jaw-dropped sort of countenance. i mean literally. mouth wide open. and i sort of questioned this as i reached my class. why are you so implicitly surprised that i am friends with someone who i enjoy talking to? if you don't enjoy her company, don't be friends with her, but don't stare at me like i have four heads because i have a matured enough social palette to be able to talk to someone that's not a clone of me. goodness.
and another time in a class of mine, we were free to do as we wish since because of a school trip only half the class was present, and so i sort of hovered in the middle of conversation between people. i noticed that now that i do not care so much about status, i actually have conversation revolve around me - having to ask one person to pause so i can answer another person, having multiple people ask me questions all at once - instead of before when i would mindlessly sit and listen to people drone on about somebody's virginity loss or somebody's new lashes. anyway, the people in the conversation were sweet people, i liked speaking to them, they were funny and interesting, we could talk about how one girl in the group was arrested in 5th grade or how one guy went to a carnival with friends and got too drunk to find their car. but a few days later, i was speaking to a girl i am relatively friends with, also on the ladder, and she said to me "how were you sitting with such weird people? i almost wanted to come over and save you" but i noticed her that day in class sitting silently on her phone alone since her friends weren't in class, while i was the one in a real vibrant conversation. i didn't need saving. i was truly happy and entertained and she was choosing to be alone rather than try to speak to someone new. it's one thing if she was shy, but i know she's not, she's just stern on who she associates with. i understand her. it's just painful.
but yeah that's my rant, i needed to express what i was pondering in the shower now that my hair needs to dry. i just find the concept funny.
my son will have two middle names for the two most significant men in my life and both of them i've known for roughly a year
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