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Im gonna be sent to ip again

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advice inpatient ip scared
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414 views 2 replies 2 participants last post by  Peachteaaz  
#1 ·
Just got the news that my psych is looking for a bed in ip for me. I will have to go voluntarily, because if I refuse I know they’re just gonna keep me there involuntarily and it will be harder to get out (Im an adult, but Ive been forced ip before). Their discharge bmi is 19. Id spend anywhere from 4-5 months there. Im scared. I know that if I wanna go to uni and begin having some sort of life I need to gain some weight, but I dont think Im capable of recovery, as I have never felt like I wanted it. I still dont want it. I dont know how I’ll cope with the weight gain. I dont know how I’ll cope with another hospital stay. I dont know how I’ll cope with having to remain clean. Im scared. Im really scared
And Im scared I’ll be the biggest one there. Ive been ip at a much lower weight, Im scared of being the biggest now.. The stress of not knowing when Im going is making me wanna starve. I feel like now that I know Im being sent there, I need to lose as much weight as possible because I dont feel sick enough, even though I know there is no “sick enough”.
Im so nervous I wanna rip my skin off. I wanna cry and I dont know what to do. I wanna have some sort of life and I know I need to stabilize myself a little, but I know im gonna come out of there fat again and I dont want that. Please help
 
#2 ·
I am sorry you are going through this. The prospect of being sent IP is a scary one especially if you feel you don't want it. Is there any part of you, even a teeny tiny part, that is able to see any benefits to going and then getting your life back?
 
#3 ·
The only thing I see as a benefit is getting stable enough to be able to keep having a life (social life, studying, doing things in general) cause rn my ED takes over everything and anything I do. I don’t want to recover, but I wanna keep myself stable enough I guess. Ive been feeling worse recently, I have no energy, no motivation, Im getting depressed, I dont talk to anyone online (expect for interacting in threads here) and irl too. I know I need help to get it manageable enough for me to keep having a life but I cant accept that much weight gain.
I cant accept being at bmi 19. Last time ip I was allowed to leave at high 17s and I was deeply unconfortable and it lead to a relapse. I know I cannot handle bmi 19, but at this place its non-negotiable
 
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