I had bed as a coping mechanism for trauma I suffered as a child, because the person who was abusing me would give me treats and stuff. We didn't have a lot of money, you know, some kids get games, or jewelry, and I got German Chocolate Cake and Filet Mignon.
My brother and sister were so jealous and they could tell I was the favorite.
But he was hurting me.
I didn't ask to be the favorite. I was just the oldest female born (trans).
I was too scared and cared to much about him to tell. You know what happens to guys like that in prison. I protected him more than he protected me.
But his gifts weren't out of love. They were out of guilt.
He taught me that I don't have control over anything that happens to me.
I'll always be too weak, too small, too scared to defend myself.
I've been assaulted recently and I always turn back into that scared 9 year old. Only difference now is I don't dissociate. I have to be aware and feel that pain the whole time. I don't know which is worse, honestly.
Being completely aware but still shutting down. Having to feel all the pain and hearing all the stupid shit he says to you during.
Or...
Blinking and it's an hour later, everything is done, you had no chance to fight back, but you have no memory of it and you're not in pain, you're free to tell yourself whatever you want.
That's what happened when I was younger.
So I always made excuses for him. He was just taking a shower, and I'm just a light sleeper, etc.
So I didn't do anything about it, I didn't tell anyone about it.
It kept going on and getting worse to the point it was every night and then I wasn't blacking out for it anymore. I ended up sneaking out from under him and when he realized I was moving he pretended he was asleep. And he would look at me with one eye open and pretend he was sleeping. I would go into the living room or whatever and then he would just tell me to go to sleep. He had porn on the living room tv.
I would go in my brothers room sometimes and just cry on the floor. But one day I woke him up. I was so tired of this. I just wanted to go to sleep. It got to the point I didn't even cry anymore but for some reason I did when I started telling my brother that dad was in my bed naked. All they know is that he was naked in my bed "that one time". They don't know it was multiple times. They don't know he was raping me. They don't know that even as an adult, 21 years old I still wake up every morning 3:30am- 4:30am like clockwork. You may not remember but your body remembers. I used to have phantom pains of being raped in nightmares and it felt so real. Like a dark figure was over me raping me and I couldn't move. But I had never had consensual sex. So how did I feel it?
I was still so in denial. I wanted to think he wouldn't do that to me.
So I ate
I ate and ate and ate
And ended up being 200 pounds at 5 foot tall
Super morbidly obese butter ball
Developed early
Started my period at the height of my father's abuse
And he called everyone into the bathroom to tell me that I was "fucking disgusting".
Abuse can cause children to sexually develop faster. There have been girls as young as 5 years old getting pregnant because they're being abused. But as the abusers or the ignorant and it's because "there's growth hormones in the milk!!1@1!"
*rolls eyes into another galaxy*
So literally at like 13, I had the body of a "woman". Full chest, curves, everything. But you could tell in my face, I was a child. A lot of men I came across didn't care. I was constantly scared of being raped again.
Even though I told myself it didn't happen.
I told myself I was a virgin.
I needed to have that.
Or I couldn't cope.
Food wouldn't have been enough.
My mom always talked to me like I was a whore.
Anytime I was late, she would accuse me of "fucking around with some boy." When in actuality I was with Angelica and her sister. But that doesn't matter. I'm a whore.
My friend Marie wanted to come over once, I asked if I could play with her. To her face my mom said she looked/dressed like a ho and in private said, "trust me, that girl is HOT FOR IT!"
What the fuck is wrong with you? She's 14. Maybe she likes to flirt, and maybe she wears shorts, whatever. But like, what the fuck is wrong with you??? I still remember the look on Marie's face. I was so shocked I didn't even defend her. You have no idea what happened to her. Or how she treated herself after that. Hell, my mom treated me like a slut and the only "action" I had ever gotten was from girls, or her fucking husband raping me. But yeah
I'm a fucking whore, mom.
Always.
That's all I've ever been.
Guys old enough to be my dad would hit on me every day when I was trying to take the trash out. My heart would beat so fast. There was an apartment building where they had two predators living. Like I guess they just wanted them to be in the same place because it was easier? But it was right next to one of the dumps. The other one also had guys who were constantly outside, smoking, drinking, and hitting on children. They said they were joking, but honestly, if I was into it, I doubt they would have cared.
Cue me never going out anymore, only for school and weed. I never did anything. The house got so dirty it looked and smelled like a hoarders house and we got kicked out and had to live with my moms boyfriend.
All I ever did was smoke weed and binge eat.
Feeling insecure, getting bullied? Eat more.
Not doing well in school, but not going to do a goddamn thing about It?
Eat. Eat everything. Everything in sight. Snack cakes, chips, cookies, extra plate at dinner. Rolls with butter stuffed with pasta, everything.
I was the only fat one.
Wonder why....
Ended up having a school physical and realizing that I weighed the same amount as a friend of mine who was pretty chubby/obese.
I was like, what the fuck? Do I look like that?
I asked my mom, who was perpetually in denial, too tired to give a shit, seemingly, she was like, ".....uh.... no, no of course not!" I remember the scared look on her face of not wanting to say anything.
I felt so disgusted.
I looked up how to lose weight.
How to lose weight quickly.
How to lose weight easily.
Recommended:
"How to lose weight *pro ana*"
*thinks to myself* what's pro Ana?
Cue me finding thinspo, diets, photos of anorexic models, thin waifish girls, girls whose little tiny thighs are smaller than their big mugs that hold all their sustenance for the day.
Instant jealousy.
This is what beauty is.
Thigh highs on a BMI of 16.
Being picked up effortlessly.
Being beautiful and tiny.
Being thin.
Of course, as I prowled the National Eating Disorders Assosciation (NEDA) was like,
"Are you struggling, do you need help??"
And I clicked on the link.
And I learned about all the documented eating disorder types.
And possible causes.
Stress.
Loss of a family member.
Abuse.
I was fucking fuming.
I finally realized everything that happened and I felt so sick.
Then I was, again, jealous. There were kids that went through the same exact thing as I did but they got to be thin. They got to be beautiful.
I got to be fat, ugly, whore.
So I started purging and counting calories.
I started using my fitnesspal. Because of how huge I was, they started me out at 1600 to lose 2 pounds a week. That gives you an idea doesn't it?
I lose 2 pounds now (not using tdee, but bmr) on 900-1200.
I was losing a lot of weight.
I went from 200 to 180-170 in the tail end of my sophomore year.
Then went from 170 to 120 my first semester of junior year.
Due to the stress from my mom and finally starting to come to terms with what had happened, I started to dress differently. I always kind of enjoyed cross dressing, starting in middle school mostly, hitting a peak in 7th/8th. They would say I looked like a boy and I loved it. I finally didn't look like a girl, like a slut, like a whore. Like someone dirty and worthless.
I felt more confident, strong.
I dressed in a way that made me feel safer and more comfortable.
Masculine, baggy. Hiding all of my feminine features, and hiding the weight loss.
So yeah, I did choose this originally.
I wish I had just done this the "healthy way". But I had BED.
So it's not like I wasn't already prone to having an eating disorder anyway. It probably would have happened regardless.
And honestly, I'm a bit glad I did it too.
I'm so conditioned to eating to much so I HAVE to count calories or I'll swell up.
I honestly don't regret it in some ways.
If I hadn't found all that, holy shit, I could have ended up on my 600-lb life. Idfk. That's just my shitty opinion.
