[Winterfae]

Hi, I don't know if anyone will read this, but this forum has been such a safe place for me that it feels natural to post this.

I think I can call myself recovered.

I have been eating abundantly and feeling like I deserve it, feeling good in my body and mind, and feeling motivated to work and do things in life, plan, project, expand. Even when it's hard, even when it's stressful, even when I laugh and when I cry , when I doubt and when I bargain and when I am afraid, I am still confident that I can handle it. I feel strong. I love food and I allow myself to love it now. I exercise, I like my body, I feel beautiful, and this is WEIRD for me.

I am off my antidepressants. I have taken some responsibilities in my life (and I am planning on taking more, not with dread, but with excitement).

I don't want to make myself purge anymore. I don't want to torture myself anymore. I don't feel the need to anymore. Sometimes my mind goes "What if I did it, to bring myself relief, to distract myself, like in the past?" Then something inside of me knows that it won't work. I don't really try to convince myself not to do it, I just know that it won't work.

It feel completely surreal to type this, because I always had a feeling that others can recover, but that for me, there was something deeply disordered inside me. I believed that this disorder was just PART of me, and I accepted that fact in a sense.

But now I think anyone can recover, and that no one is obligated to. I strongly believe everyone has one life and leads it as they want. I just decided what I want for myself, I don't want to fight with myself anymore, I want to fight for myself, and I think I'm happy.

This is absolutely wonderful to read, what incredible progress you've made! Thank you so much for sharing this with us, it gives me a lot of hope. 💜

 

[Winterfae]

Today was my first real test of will, I was in a shop alone, after a long day and some socialising, and there was very reduced priced binge food. But I didn't buy any!

I debated very briefly, but I didn't really want to so rather than linger I bought lunch and left quickly. It felt a bit weird to walk home and have no purge at the end of it, but ultimately grateful I'm not as I have an early start and might have to be on film again tomorrow and although my face still isn't how I remember it before the bulimia, it's definitely better than at the beginning of this purge free streak.

Tomorrow will likely be another test as there will be less reason not to once the filming is over, but I'll try to keep on track.

 

[Winterfae]

Tomorrow will likely be another test as there will be less reason not to once the filming is over, but I'll try to keep on track.

Posting to stay accountable. Done my bit to camera and I had a long travel by bus, and I'm tired, so typical post event triggers and few reasons not to.

I have to walk home via several shops. Wish me strength.

 

[extrasmall]

Posting to stay accountable. Done my bit to camera and I had a long travel by bus, and I'm tired, so typical post event triggers and few reasons not to.

I have to walk home via several shops. Wish me strength.

Sending you all the strength!! You proved yesterday that you can tune in to what you really want. Truthfully, you’ve been doing it for 40+ days. I know circumstances can make things much easier or harder depending, but you’ve won this battle for 40 days. You’ve been building the strength up all on your own, consistently and with grace for yourself. Proud of you no matter what, and grateful for you for sharing your experiences with all of us.

 

[Winterfae]

Sending you all the strength!! You proved yesterday that you can tune in to what you really want. Truthfully, you’ve been doing it for 40+ days. I know circumstances can make things much easier or harder depending, but you’ve won this battle for 40 days. You’ve been building the strength up all on your own, consistently and with grace for yourself. Proud of you no matter what, and grateful for you for sharing your experiences with all of us.

Thank you so much. This is really making a difference right now. I did go into a shop and although I avoided the real junk foods, I've got some things that if I don't portion them out could easily be binge foods. I'm hoping I keep that sense of mastery over it and use them as healthy meals or a small snack not lay into them all in one go.

Tbh I think I was thirsty, so a point to learn from is I should have had a big drink from my watwr bottle before I even went in the shop.

 

[Winterfae]

I did "binge" in the sense of overeating but went for a nap, then woke up and snacked again, but still went for another nap and read a silly little webtoon comic rather than purge, and then did a bit of cycling on the static bike instead of go out for more food.

I feel pretty awful, it's been so long since I overate in one sitting, I'd definitely ate more than needed a few days but I think this is the first purge-worthy binge so the first time I'm truly being tested on how resilient I am to avoid it. I'll try and drink water and rest more, and work it off tomorrow with a nature walk or something.

 

[whythelongface]

0 hours b/p free
i think i am at my fattest. this is embrassing. i shouldnt do this. im sinful.

 

[Winterfae]

0 hours b/p free
i think i am at my fattest. this is embrassing. i shouldnt do this. im sinful.

It might differ from your perspective but I don't think it's sinful to struggle with an addiction or disorder, much of the brain chemistry involved in keeping us stuck in these behaviours is beyond oir control, it's not our fault we have those mental difficulties, all we can do is try to learn ways to overcome them.

 

[Winterfae]

I did "binge" in the sense of overeating but went for a nap, then woke up and snacked again, but still went for another nap and read a silly little webtoon comic rather than purge, and then did a bit of cycling on the static bike instead of go out for more food.

I feel pretty awful, it's been so long since I overate in one sitting, I'd definitely ate more than needed a few days but I think this is the first purge-worthy binge so the first time I'm truly being tested on how resilient I am to avoid it. I'll try and drink water and rest more, and work it off tomorrow with a nature walk or something.

So I did end up purging, but logged a 41 day streak and started over immediately.

I out it off for 7 hours, and I think that I am putting into practice a lot of learning. I used my supports here, I limited what I bought, I keot going for naps and distracting myself, I drank water.

Things that could have gone better:

I was dehydrated and should have drank more water before even going into a shop.

Avoiding the shop would have been best as I wasn't in a resilient frame of mind.

Could have gone a walk instead until I could safely portion everything, or accepted after buying the foods it was a bad idea, and throwing them in the composter and accepting that binging on it and purging is creating food waste just as much as throwing it away would have.

 

[starlingwish]

.

 

[Fi-Fi]

This may be my last post on the Bulimia Forum, unless I slip back into bad habits.

I'm nearly a month B/P free. I feel I have so much more free time and control over my life. When I was in my B/P, I loved and hated it – now it doesn't slip my mind once.

(as for how I've gone so long: I admitted myself into a treatment center and, unfortunately, gained a couple pounds, but ultimately gained a semblance of a life back.)

Even a month in, I still have remnant edema. My glands have significantly reduced in size, but not back to their usual. I assume my face will still feel a bit "puffy" until after a couple of months.

There is hope. I didn't think there was when I was in it.

Update?

 

[guromantik]

b/p free since july 25th! never thought i'd be able to make it this far. wow.

 

[Winterfae]

b/p free since july 25th! never thought i'd be able to make it this far. wow.

Well done! That's amazing!

 

[Winterfae]

I've been doing ok again, couple of slips but mostly keeping occupied and finally accepted that to avoid b/p I have to eat carbs, and eat maintainance. Which sucks bc I don't want to maintain this weight, but I can't avoid b/p of O restrict.

I realised I developed a really bad addiction to scrolling IG at the exact same time I quit b/p, so although my sober counter is tracking all my b/p free days and that feels good, I'm a bit horrified at the hours logged in Digital Balance esp for IG.

I'm making the effort to replace those hours with books. And I have noticed a slight increase in energy as well as free time, so I deep cleaned my room in my parents house over the course of this week. Having a clean, tidy space is such a relief, it's like the sensory "noise" is so much quieter. I'm hoping I can now do the same for my own flat. Definitely chaos feeds the distress which feeds the compulsion, in my case.

 

[Fi-Fi]

I've been doing ok again, couple of slips but mostly keeping occupied and finally accepted that to avoid b/p I have to eat carbs, and eat maintainance. Which sucks bc I don't want to maintain this weight, but I can't avoid b/p of O restrict.

I realised I developed a really bad addiction to scrolling IG at the exact same time I quit b/p, so although my sober counter is tracking all my b/p free days and that feels good, I'm a bit horrified at the hours logged in Digital Balance esp for IG.

I'm making the effort to replace those hours with books. And I have noticed a slight increase in energy as well as free time, so I deep cleaned my room in my parents house over the course of this week. Having a clean, tidy space is such a relief, it's like the sensory "noise" is so much quieter. I'm hoping I can now do the same for my own flat. Definitely chaos feeds the distress which feeds the compulsion, in my case.

I study… I find a course or some boot camp to get involved in.

 

[extrasmall]

I need to get a bit of a grip I think. I do well for almost a week and then slide backwards for a few days and the cycle just repeats and repeats.

For the life of me, I cannot allow myself rest. I am sick as a dog right now and have been b/ping since I came down with whatever it is I’ve got. This isn’t a shock to me. Whenever my brain perceives the threat of boredom it reverts immediately to b/p thoughts. I know distraction works but not having the energy to put towards a distraction always throws a spanner in the works. It’s sad really, that I can’t just let myself exist and watch a dumb show or scroll through goddamn reddit without needing to be chewing something.

I took work off friday, felt awful. B/Ped twice. woke up saturday, felt awful, b/ped once. woke up today, felt awful, b/ped twice. naturally I feel worse than I did when I woke up sick originally. I’ve hardly allowed myself any nutrients to use for recovering from whatever virus I have. plus my electrolytes are probably all out of sorts.

I’m thinking of taking tomorrow off as well just to prove to myself that it’s okay to allow myself to rest. (and of course to actually rest.)

I really want to not be doing this anymore. I really really want to be done. eventually, one b/p will be the last one right? so why not today’s?

 

[Winterfae]

I’m thinking of taking tomorrow off as well just to prove to myself that it’s okay to allow myself to rest. (and of course to actually rest.)

Fully in support of this plan, I really hope you can get some nutrients in to digest and fight off whatever the illness was. Its so hard to resist when you feel a bit off, I thought I was coming down with something last week and ended up b/p again too, for no real reason just couldn't seem to contemplate resting for the sake of feeling better.

Make sure to hydrate well, thinking of you 💜

 

[Jesspresso]

Gastroparesis is kicking my ass at the moment. I've been barely able to tolerate anything, a small bowl of cereal in the morning makes me feel uncomfortably full all day and I don't want to throw up (involuntary vomiting is scarier than purging) so I can't have anything else. Trying to just have liquids for now, but I still feel full 4 hours after having an ensure drink . I don't know what to do because there is conflicting information. On this site, most people say it is reversible but you have to eat enough and weight restore. But how can I do that when I just... can't? Am I supposed to just keep eating/drinking little and often even when I feel uncomfortably full from my last drink? And how do you even consume enough calories to gain weight on just liquids? However, on reddit, people are saying not to eat more because it will make me feel worse and I should just get a feeding tube 😭.

 

[Winterfae]

Gastroparesis is kicking my ass at the moment. I've been barely able to tolerate anything, a small bowl of cereal in the morning makes me feel uncomfortably full all day and I don't want to throw up (involuntary vomiting is scarier than purging) so I can't have anything else. Trying to just have liquids for now, but I still feel full 4 hours after having an ensure drink . I don't know what to do because there is conflicting information. On this site, most people say it is reversible but you have to eat enough and weight restore. But how can I do that when I just... can't? Am I supposed to just keep eating/drinking little and often even when I feel uncomfortably full from my last drink? And how do you even consume enough calories to gain weight on just liquids? However, on reddit, people are saying not to eat more because it will make me feel worse and I should just get a feeding tube 😭.

I think the reddit folks are probably not coming from the same background as folks here who have dekayed gastric emptying due to having had a purging disorder. When I first had issues with it about 10 years ago all the info online was basically saying it was irreversible. But over time I did gradually manage to digest more variety and better foods for me. I don't know which would work best for you, but I did do a lot of juices with as many fruits and veg as possible, and protein shakes, to begin with. It was definitely slow going and frustrating at times but in my case it definitely improved hugely.

A dietician who specialises in both EDs and gastroparesis would be the best thing at this point but still worth continuing to try and get as much nutrition as possible. It might be as the redditors say but I've definitely seen myself and others on here make progress without needing a tube.

 

[Winterfae]

B/p again yesterday but I'm away tomorrow all weekend with company so I hopefully won't have any opportunity to do it again. I kinda lost my motivation to foght it tbh. But persevering.