talk to him about it and if he continues doing it, leave him

 

people can be such a mish-mash of genuine parts of themselves and yet so heavily influenced by their environment, without even realizing it...

It seems he genuinely cares for you, but he isn't self aware enough to recognize how his society has made an impression upon what he finds attractive in a mate, and it results in confusing+triggering behavior for you.

Edit: Him bringing home food could also be that he doesn't want to feel alone in eating the way that he does, despite being more physically attracted to you when you lose.

I've always handled this by communicating. It is the only way. But the nature of that communication is determined by the both of you and this is where it can get tricky.

You just have to learn to open up to each other without making the other feel that they are bad or wrong simply for being who+what they are, and it is only from an accepting and nonjudgmental place that you can progress with one another toward a relationship that is healthier for the both of you.

 

Communicate what you are feeling bc he is not psychic though we might think he should know better.

If he refuses to change, acknowledge your hurt, or tries to excuse himself... throw out the whole boyfriend.

No point in being with someone who hurts you and refuses to try to learn.

 

last night my boyfriend said "if i was a girl at your height... i wouldnt wanna hit 130. thatd be my max."

im not 130, but like.. why would you say that when you know i have an eating disorder?

and he said (when i told him im having a hard time eating over 400 calories) "well, just get to the weight you wanna be then maintain. dont get obsessive."

?????????????????/ stop

 

Have you told him this..?

 

Almost every relationship question on this board can be answered be the golden word: communication

 

talk to him about it and if he continues doing it, leave him

^^^^

 

Almost every relationship question on this board can be answered be the golden word: communication

That or my favourite two words: dump him

 

talk to him about it and if he continues doing it, leave him

Communicate what you are feeling bc he is not psychic though we might think he should know better.

If he refuses to change, acknowledge your hurt, or tries to excuse himself... throw out the whole boyfriend.

No point in being with someone who hurts you and refuses to try to learn.

Have you told him this..?

Almost every relationship question on this board can be answered be the golden word: communication

well you guys are for sure right, I need to get over myself and open up. I just feel so awkward when it comes to everything related to my ED

 

i hear ya, i love my bf like crazy and he’s my entire world, but he’s easily my biggest trigger. he’s good to me but he can be insensitive af, and i’m a paranoid bitch that’s always scared of not being good enough even though he tells me every day how much he loves me and how beautiful i am, but like with the way my brain works, a tiny insensitive thing outweighs everything good in my mind, i hate myself for it but also bfs can really suck, or maybe i just do 🙃 had a nasty fight with mine yesterday (self worth related but not about eating) 🙃🙃 anyways they suck and understand nothing and i feel your pain

 

i hear ya, i love my bf like crazy and he's my entire world, but he's easily my biggest trigger. he's good to me but he can be insensitive af, and i'm a paranoid bitch that's always scared of not being good enough even though he tells me every day how much he loves me and how beautiful i am, but like with the way my brain works, a tiny insensitive thing outweighs everything good in my mind, i hate myself for it but also bfs can really suck, or maybe i just do had a nasty fight with mine yesterday (self worth related but not about eating) anyways they suck and understand nothing and i feel your pain

Thank you so much for sharing this!
Like you said, one of the main problems is this stupid paranoia, it seems like I just can't get over it. I know though that communication is the key in every relationship. It's like my mature mind and my raging ED have this constant battle inside myself.

 

Some people genuinely don't understand eating disorders and don't understand what is triggering and "wrong"or "right" to say/do. It sucks, but that's just how some people are, speaking from experience haha, doesn't make it easier with a paranoid ED brain either. Really hope you guys talk it out properly, good luck!

 

well you guys are for sure right, I need to get over myself and open up. I just feel so awkward when it comes to everything related to my ED

same, but it's only for the better

 

Thank you so much for sharing this!
Like you said, one of the main problems is this stupid paranoia, it seems like I just can't get over it. I know though that communication is the key in every relationship. It's like my mature mind and my raging ED have this constant battle inside myself.

RIGHT??! it's torture, i can never tell if maybe he is being an ass sometimes or if i'm just out of my mind lol, and i have no close friends so i don't really have anyone to talk about relationship stuff with, i just try to be really open with him and work through everything with him, for the first time though lately i've been wondering if outside opinions really are important sometimes

 

RIGHT??! it's torture, i can never tell if maybe he is being an ass sometimes or if i'm just out of my mind lol, and i have no close friends so i don't really have anyone to talk about relationship stuff with, i just try to be really open with him and work through everything with him, for the first time though lately i've been wondering if outside opinions really are important sometimes

Yes I guess outside opinions could help me see everything "normal". But since I can't open up to anybody about my ED (bc ED mind haha), it is very difficult to tell who is in charge, my ED or my mature self. So I have to guess in situations like you discribed and I always stick to "it's my fault, I'm paranoid and sick and should just shut tf up"

 

Yes I guess outside opinions could help me see everything "normal". But since I can't open up to anybody about my ED (bc ED mind haha), it is very difficult to tell who is in charge, my ED or my mature self. So I have to guess in situations like you discribed and I always stick to "it's my fault, I'm paranoid and sick and should just shut tf up"

i feel u i also applaud u for being able to rationalize when u should be quiet, i literally can't and have frequent meltdowns lol, my bf has the patience of a saint dealing with me

 

Me and my current husband have been together almost ten years. When we met, I weighed 115 ( 5'4" ), and had become pretty satisfied with that weight, which was amazing since at my lowest weight I was 70 pounds...long time ago when I was 14 or 15. Anyways he said and did little things to make me feel triggered to lose. Now I'm around 102 and lately feel like that is not low enough. Now he says he'd still be attracted to me if I gained up to like 120. He says it like 120 is mammoth or something and he says it like he's giving me permission. He's not an ass or anything regardless of how it sounds, I think he's just clueless about how he's affected me😒

 

i feel u i also applaud u for being able to rationalize when u should be quiet, i literally can't and have frequent meltdowns lol, my bf has the patience of a saint dealing with me

Well it's more theory, I'm often so hangry that I'm like physically not able to hold back my frustration hahaha and on the other hand, I have to stand up for myself more often in certain situations.
Let's tell our bfs today how much we appreciate the patience they have!

 

I avoid people that make my emotions go high and low tbh
The highs aren't worth the lows (says the guy with ed)

 

i know what it feels like. a while ago my friends kept trying to help me gain weight and bring food for me to binge on and one of them said "she eats everything" and i havent eaten anything at school since. i dont want to be known as the girl that eats everything

 

last night my boyfriend said "if i was a girl at your height... i wouldnt wanna hit 130. thatd be my max."

im not 130, but like.. why would you say that when you know i have an eating disorder?

and he said (when i told him im having a hard time eating over 400 calories) "well, just get to the weight you wanna be then maintain. dont get obsessive."

?????????????????/ stop

My bf doesn't know about my ed, but he does know I have depression and anxiety. The other day I was very sad because he had been super distant lately and had said some things that hurt, and then when I finally got up the courage to admit what was wrong he blew up and yelled "get some fucking self esteem".

It's still haunting me five days later, and I think it will haunt me for the rest of my life. I know he doesn't like me very much, but that was the single most targeted thing anyone's ever said to me. I had a childhood of emotional and physical abuse, but no one EVER went after the one thing I can't change. I wish I could leave, but I used all my savings and quit my job to move five hours away to be with him, back when he was super good at pretending he loved me. Now he's miserable and likely regrets everything, and often takes it out on me. He'll love on his stupid little yappy rat dogs as soon as I walk in the room, like it's a reflex - like he WANTS me to know that I am less than a dog to him. Which I know, and boy howdy if I didn't have zero self esteem before, I've got it in the negatives now. There are no jobs out here and no way for me to ever leave. Honestly, I'm just looking forward to my hereditary cancer kicking in, or something else that will just take me out. I'm so tired of living it's not even funny.

 

My bf doesn't know about my ed, but he does know I have depression and anxiety. The other day I was very sad because he had been super distant lately and had said some things that hurt, and then when I finally got up the courage to admit what was wrong he blew up and yelled "get some fucking self esteem".

It's still haunting me five days later, and I think it will haunt me for the rest of my life. I know he doesn't like me very much, but that was the single most targeted thing anyone's ever said to me. I had a childhood of emotional and physical abuse, but no one EVER went after the one thing I can't change. I wish I could leave, but I used all my savings and quit my job to move five hours away to be with him, back when he was super good at pretending he loved me. Now he's miserable and likely regrets everything, and often takes it out on me. He'll love on his stupid little yappy rat dogs as soon as I walk in the room, like it's a reflex - like he WANTS me to know that I am less than a dog to him. Which I know, and boy howdy if I didn't have zero self esteem before, I've got it in the negatives now. There are no jobs out here and no way for me to ever leave. Honestly, I'm just looking forward to my hereditary cancer kicking in, or something else that will just take me out. I'm so tired of living it's not even funny.

Oh darling that seems to be so horrible!
From experience I know that some people act like the opposite of how they're feeling, so my mom for example gets really angry and distant, even emotionally abusing if she's honestly worried about me. Is it possible that your bf is the same? Like he's not able to cope with everything bad that's happening to you?

But anyway, is there someone you can talk to about how miserable you are, like a family member or a close friend?

 

Oh darling that seems to be so horrible!
From experience I know that some people act like the opposite of how they're feeling, so my mom for example gets really angry and distant, even emotionally abusing if she's honestly worried about me. Is it possible that your bf is the same? Like he's not able to cope with everything bad that's happening to you?

But anyway, is there someone you can talk to about how miserable you are, like a family member or a close friend?

Yeah, that's what he said in his half hearted apology. But all I heard was "i only hurt you because I love you", which, coming from an abusive childhood is a HUGE siren going off.

And I don't actually have family, and since i moved five hours from my beloved homestate I am not near any friends either. PLUS I've had a hard life, and many people have come to my aid in big ways before - it's at the point where that aid is no longer offered, nor would it be allowable to call upon it. I've basically used up all my 1 ups XD I'm in a bed that I've made, and I have to lie in it until I either die or my bunnies pass away so I can just up and disappear forever.

 

Don't get me wrong, me and my bf love each other to death and he has his own eating issues (overweight and suffering bc of that)
He acts very worried about my eating habits and brings home food which he knows make me binge like a pig. He too makes comments like "wow you ate all of that in such a short time?", which makes me hate myself even more.
And on the other hand, he's more attracted to me the more I lose.
Do you have similar experiences and if so, how do you handle it?

My bf used to do this until I had a serious talk with him about it. If you have issues, tell him. Ask him to stop bringing home bad foods and tell him you're trying to eat healthy. Tell him how the comments make you feel.

Be honest. It's usually the most helpful thing in a relationship's communication.