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Wedding Accountability Diary

590 views 17 replies 1 participant last post by  Spectacular_oopsie 
#1 ·
Getting married this fall! I genuinely never thought I was the marrying type, but then I fell madly in love with a long-time friend. Now I can't wait to be married to him, share a name, and build a life as partners. He's everything I didn't dare allow myself to wish for.

We're spending a small fortune on a photographer and I am desperate to lose the weight I put on through depressed binging in 2020. Feeling fat on my wedding day would crush me. I want to be able to look back on my photos and see a beautiful couple in love, rather than obsessing over the size of my arms, etc.

First developed an ED in adolescence, and I've gone through periods of recovery and relapse ever since.

Hit my highest weight in 2021 during the pandemic, lost 20 lbs healthily, got into weight lifting & maintained for a year - which brings us to now.

HW: 189
CW: 168
GW: 128 or 24.5" waist, whichever comes first
LW: 116

My wedding is in late October, so I've got a little over 8 months to drop 40 lbs without wrecking my looks or my relationship in the process. Let's do this!
 
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#2 · (Edited)
Day 1 - limit: 1200 calories, 30 grams net carbs

[Been restricting for a couple weeks, but this is Day 1 for the sake of convenience & clarity]

Fiancé is home today, so my limit is high.
I'll update this post as needed to track my day.
-
Weigh in: 167.4
That's one pound down from yesterday. It's also my lowest weight in 2.5 years! I've still got a long way to go, but breaking this plateau feels like an accomplishment. Feeling super motivated.

Update: weighed compulsively several times and realized my scale was on an uneven surface initially.

Revised weigh in: 166.6

Calorie count: 1201
Net carbs: 31.2

Over by 1 in both categories, but I feel overall accomplished. Especially since part of my calorie & carb counts are from a small late night snack from yesterday.

Frustrated about feeling bloated, and generally felt unmotivated today. I've got a lot to do tomorrow. Fiancé is going out for the afternoon, so I can skip a meal entirely. Planning to give myself a calorie limit of 950.

I think I'm seeing some of the weight loss in my tits. Very pleased about this. I have been so uncomfortable with them recently. Right now I'm most looking forward to seeing my arms and thighs shrink.
 
#3 · (Edited)
Day 2 - Limit: 950 calories, 30g net carbs

Planning on spending 1/3 of my calories today on alcohol. helth.

Weigh in: 166.8
Will check again later if I'm able to use the bathroom. Exciting that it's this low, though. I definitely ate more than 0.2 lbs worth of food yesterday.

10.55pm
Didn't end up drinking much after all. Currently under 700 calories, all from a massive salad lunch and 1 shot of tequila.

Don't know if I'm going to eat more or not. Obviously tempted to just skip having anything else tonight. But I'm going weight lifting at 6 am, an 17
d really felt like shit today until I ate. We'll see.

Calories: 677.6
Net carbs: 17.3
 
#4 · (Edited)
Day 3 - Limit: 900 calories, 30g net carbs

Ended up not eating again last night, so I'm happy about staying under my limit pretty effortlessly.

Weigh in: 166.4
Slow but steady, I'll take it.

My fiancé decided to work from home today so I'll have to have a solid lunch plan for myself separate from his meal. We were supposed to go out to eat tonight, but I don't want to on a day I have to eat lunch as well :[

2.30pm
My fiancé was excited to make lunch for both of us, so it's looking unlikely I'll stay under 900 for today. Choosing not to be too upset about this, since I was under by 200 calories yesterday and lifted weights this morning.

Bedtime
I was easily able to skip dinner. Fiancé very sweetly offered to make a keto dessert to share that would've fit into my calorie budget. It wasn't until I'd eaten 3/4 of it that I realized his calorie count was off. I didn't eat the rest, and he was super apologetic. But I am over for today now.

Calories: 953.7 (53.7 over)
Net carbs: 23
 
#5 · (Edited)
Day 4 - Limit: Fuck it, 1400. 30g net carbs.

Just want to poop. I'm so bloated and uncomfortable.

Weigh in: 166.8 again :[

I don't want to rely on laxatives too frequently because we all know how that ends. But lately I'm only going like every 3-4 days and it's not fun. It also feels like it obscures any weight loss that is happening, since anything I do eat just sits there.

Whatever. Need to focus in on getting some homework done & getting through class.

I'm donating platelets tomorrow as well, trying to plan my calorie intake accordingly.

7pm
Higher cal limit today. Worth it.

Calories: 1212.2 [very satisfying number]
Net carbs: 23.8
 
#6 · (Edited)
Day 5 - Limit: 950 calories, 40g carbs

Weigh in: 165.8 😌

Platelet donation is today. I love donation days. A nice bonus is that it burns extra calories. I also hit the gym this morning, so I'm feeling really good.

This is my first time trying to restrict "responsibly". Weight lifting and manual labor are now regular parts of my week, and I can't afford to draw attention to myself by passing out or something. It's a weird balance to try and strike.

I'm really looking forward to getting off keto in a month and a half.

Face is looking slim today, which is nice.

-
Ketones way too high. Upping to 40g per day.
-
Midnight
Went way over cals after my platelet donation. I felt like I was in a small binge episode. Not feeling great. I'll reflect more on wtf I was thinking tomorrow.

Calories: 1650ish, 50g net carbs
 
#7 · (Edited)
Day 6 - Limit: 1,200 calories, 40g carbs

Didn't get a chance to weigh in this morning.

Been spiraling emotionally today. Not just about overeating last night. Also just feeling really overwhelmed with school.

It is some comfort that I at least stayed under maintenance. But ugh, I feel so shitty about it.

Total: 1137 calories, 32 grams carbs
 
#8 ·
Day 7: Limit 1000 cals, 30g carbs

Weigh in: 166.4 again today and hating life.

I feel so stupid for overeating on Wednesday. It seems like I've lost all my progress because of it.

I'm seeing friends tonight, so I'll need a food plan. I'm thinking I'll bring one of my keto meals from home so I know the calories in it. I dunno how weird it is to show up with your own diet meal to a hang out. Maybe I'll find some popcorn or something instead, say I ate dinner earlier. Despite being less food, it's probably also less suspicious.
 
#9 ·
Day 16 - Limit: 1100 cals, 30g carbs

Took some time away from the forum while constipated and PMSing. No matter how little I ate, the scale stayed the same or went up, so I had to get away from here to prevent a frustrated binge or something.

As soon as the floodgates opened, the weight just disappeared.

Weigh in: 162.4 - thank god.

I did have a b/p episode a few nights ago after a really unpleasant surprise. My first b/p in over a year. I have really wanted to avoid it entirely this time. It feels like bringing the b/p cycle into things always makes life so chaotic.

It wasn't a huge binge, at least. I was a little over 1300 cals, then had 4 or 5 ounces of cheese. I just wanted to delete the cheese binge from my body. Going to try and pivot to coping mechanisms that don't result in weight gain.

First month of keto is almost done, planned on 2. I've lost 10 lbs since switching to it. Hoping to lose another 12.4 before going back to carbs. But I may stay keto longer depending on how many more low carb meal replacements I've got left. Might as well get my money's worth, right?

It'll be nice to get out of the 160s. But the first goal I'm actually excited about is 149. I just want to be closer to 100 than 200 lbs.
 
#10 ·
Day 20 - Limit: 1000 cals, 30g carbs
Weight loss has come screeching to a halt.
Weigh in: 161.8 today

On the plus side, I'm looking a lot smaller this week. I've noticed some changes in my legs, finally. It's interesting seeing the muscle I put on over the past year start to emerge as the fat comes off. My legs are beginning to look toned in a way they never have before.

School is kicking my ass, so that's my main focus right now. I'm going to keep steadily chipping away at my weight, but it's a secondary concern until I feel like I've got a handle on my studies.
 
#11 ·
Limit: 900 cals, 30g carbs
Weigh in: 161.4

Currently annoyed at not being able to poop. Think I'm down a full extra pound but just can't flush out my body more than every 5 days unless I use lax. Feeling bloated all the time even as the scale goes down.

Didn't really track yesterday, but tallying things up now it looks like I had about 1300 calories. Could be better. Back on track today.
 
#12 ·
Adding a positive note, since it feels like I tend to focus on the negative here.

I'm finally starting to see some fat loss on my arms. It's a huge victory for me because my arms have been driving me nuts since my weight initially went up a couple years ago. It seemed like with my initial weight loss and strength training last year my arms continued to look flabby and huge no matter what.

There's still more I need to lose there, but they're finally beginning to look better.
 
#13 ·
160.2 today

I'm in a daily battle with my scale. It will give me 3 different weights in the span of 2 minutes.
I can eventually get it to behave by fiddling with it a while, but I just want to replace the stupid thing. Whatever.

Mad today to still be in the 160s. Mad that everything moves so slowly. I hit 1100 calories yesterday because I desperately needed 2.5 glasses of wine after a long day of manual labor.

The good news is that now even when I feel like I'm "out of control" or "binging", when I add up the calories, I'm always lower than I thought. So my mindset and view of food is reverting, which makes things easier.

-

One thing I've been avoiding writing about that's been bothering me is that in my first post here it said I had 8 months to lose 40 lbs for the wedding. Which is obviously not true.

I need to get my custom wedding outfit made long before the day, and I need my measurements to be fairly close to what they'll be on the day, so everything fits right.

Realistically, I'm looking at 3 months from now at the latest. 32 lbs in 93 days, or 2.4 lbs per week. I have probably ~5 lbs of wiggle room, since the corset should be able to lace tighter if I lose more between the fitting and the wedding.
 
#14 ·
Ate approximately 950 today. I tracked as best I could, but it's hard to calculate takeout precisely. Shouldn't be off by much, though.

Best thing today was eating 2 pieces of nigiri. I miss rice so much, and it feels like such a treat.

My late night snack was super pathetic. Half a keto hamburger bun with butter, dill, and lemon pepper. Not really worth eating, tbh. I've been too lethargic to make proper dill butter.

Tomorrow is going to be a long, exhausting day. Been having a lot of those lately.
 
#15 · (Edited)
Did a lot of manual labor yesterday and gave myself permission to eat more afterwards. Ended up having almost 1500 calories for the day and now I'm angry with myself.

I didn't need it, and should've just had some tea or something.

Today has to be better. Limit: 800.

Edit:
Just making note of the fact that my vegetable soup recipe tonight is killer.
Better than bouillon, cabbage, portabella mushroom, onion, garlic, serrano pepper, chili powder, cumin, umami seasoning, cayenne pepper. Two servings for 106 calories total. 😍

I planned on having two bowls but might be full enough on one. If I still haven't eaten it by the time my fiancé is headed home, I'll throw in some shrimp and sesame oil and let him have the rest as a midnight snack.
 
#16 · (Edited)
Limit: 900 calories, 30 grams of carbs

Only 718 calories yesterday 💕

And my fiancé bought me my favorite appetite suppressant at my request.

He doesn't know I'm relapsing. It hasn't ever happened while we've been together. We're both "on a diet" for the wedding - but mine is more intense than I've let on.

He is so loving and supportive, and I'm doing everything I can to focus on harm reduction with this. I won't allow things to get out of control. I've always been pretty good about moderation with my ED behaviors - at least enough to keep from hurting myself badly or ending up at the hospital.

I don't want to be sick or disappear. I don't want to scare anyone. I don't want to use my ED to punish anyone. I just want to have a body I'm happy with again. I want my fiancé to be so proud to be on my arm. I know he thinks I'm beautiful like this, but I also know how much he loved the body I used to have. I miss it too.

I've been having miralax about once a week, but it's barely doing anything. I'm upping the frequency to every 3 days. Might look into psyllium husk as well. This is messing with my weigh-ins.

Weigh in: 159.6 -fuck yesss
Finally. Getting over that 160 plateau took ages. Or felt like it at least . Glad to finally see some improvement!

I expect this month will be a lot of frozen keto meals and protein bars.
 
#17 ·
978 calories yesterday. Feeling pretty good about that.

Last weigh in: 158. Would love to start next week at 155.

155 is the upper limit of the healthy bmi range for me.

I was talking to my fiancé about bmi and his "healthy" weight according to the bmi scale really helped drive home that it's bullshit, though. At 5 lbs over the upper limit of the healthy weight range for him, he very much looks underweight. I remember when he was that thin from a medication he was on, ages before we were together. It helps to keep in mind that that scale is imperfect, and have evidence.

It's a bit frustrating, because there is definitely something appealing about getting to the underweight category. But even at 8 lbs above the limit for being underweight, I did not like how my face looked. Thought my body looked great - but my face was just not as attractive. I don't have the bone structure for the elegantly thin face at a low weight. It just makes my teeth look too big for my skull, or something.

Ah well. Anyway. Weight lifting went well today. I think a higher calorie protein bar really helped. It's been so motivating seeing all my muscle emerge from fat as my weight drops. Hopefully my thighs will lose a little more before the weather warms up. They're so stubborn about holding onto fat.
 
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