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21 - 31 of 31 Posts
Discussion starter · #21 ·
I woke up out of a dead sleep because I had a dream about being homeless.

Still no luck with the job. Really starting to freak out. I hope I find something soon. Monday I will apply for more jobs and go walking downtown seeing if any serving positions are available. I didn't want to go back to serving but I might not have a choice. I have been ghosted by all these jobs. They say no one wants to work anymore but the reality is no one is fucking hiring. I have applied for countless job and have only gotten one response -- a rejection from a company in the city next to me. Everything else has been radio silence.


Didn't eat breakfast or lunch today but for dinner I did have some rice and shirataki noodles.
  • shirataki (45cal)
  • sauce (50cal)
  • 1/4 cup rice (160 cal)
plus a snack
- chocolate bar (220cal)
total: 475cal

so a bit over what I wanted but still under 500cal. It is taking all the effort I have not to get tacobell. I crave tacobell so much. I know its horrible for me. I just...I just want the sour cream and beef combination. All the oil. I need a healthy alternative. I want out of the 200s so badly.

Tomorrow my friend returns to his dorm and I'll be alone. I'll have an empty apartment. I can fast and restrict in peace! But I'll probably be a bit lonely. I did like having my friends live with me but I wish they had their own rooms. That way my living room wasn't filled to the brim with stuff. Speaking of stuff, I need to start doing grad school stuff so I can get that ball rolling. I don't know how I'm going to manage it but I'm going to give it my best shot.

A part of me wishes I could become a counselor. I feel like I would be good at listening to people's stories and trying to help them through tough times. But at the same time I feel like that's a lot of pressure. A lot of social pressure. I don't want to give anyone bad advice. I just want to be happy. I just want others to be happy.

This life doesn't feel worth living anymore. If I can't find a job soon...I don't know what I will do.
-J
 
Discussion starter · #22 ·
I'm all alone again.

Everyone moved out today so it's just me in my apartment. Well, me plus my cat, It feels so strange. I don't mind being alone but as predicted, I am a bit lonely.

Dinner was more shirataki!
  • shirataki packet (45cal)
  • sauce (50cal)
  • red peppers (31cal)
  • cheese (80cal)
  • two eggs (156cal)
total: 372cal

VERY filling. I was going to binge on ramen noodles but I decided not to. It was a very nice moment.

The server hasn't been popping recently. Everyone is in different time zones so it's a bit difficult. But we do communicate things are well. It's nice not to struggle by myself anymore. And they all have higher bmi's like me. A nice bonus. Making friends from all over is so cool.

Still no luck with the job front but it is Saturday so I guess no one will be there to work anyways. Keeping my fingers crossed for Monday calls. I haven't had a single interview for the 30+ jobs I've applied for. I've had one rejection, the rest has just been radio silence. It's so irritating. I never want to hear "No one wants to work" ever again. At this point, I'm going to have to go back to serving. THere is no way to avoid it. Time to look for serving jobs I suppose. I don't think my old job will take me back but I don't really want to go back there anyways.

Tired. I went to the gym this evening before dinner and broke my "no eating after 7pm" rule. But I ate before 8 so I could start my fasting timer at 8 directly. Tonight I'll go to bed early, I'm going to the gym tomorrow morning with a friend since we are trying to get healthy together. Little does she know...anyways.

Cutting it here. I want to watch a movie or play minecraft for a bit. or the sims. I haven't decided. one of the three. good night everyone.
-J
 
Discussion starter · #23 ·
My cat keeps sitting on my phone.

She does it because she wants attention and its the cutest thing ever but also I need my phone lol. I'll put it on my bed when I type this journal entry and she just flops on it. So cute.

Today was kinda boring honestly. I had a nightmare about my old workplace that woke me out of a dead sleep at 8:30 in the morning. It worked out, I had to be awake at 9 to go work out at 10 but I was so shocked. I thought I left that behind. I guess not. Sometimes I get nightmares about highschool and being late for college. I think with the stress I'm going through right now, my dreams are only going to get weirder.

Today's cal:
Dinner:
  • 1 veggie burger with cheese and red bell peppers (184cal)
  • 2 vegan hashbrowns (130cal)
  • 1 leaf of cabbage (6cal)

Snack:
- 20 popcorners chips (120cal)

total: 440cal

Not a bad day. Just boring. Still worried that I won't get any calls this week. I am so desperate for a job. I applied at a serving job and then tomorrow after I work out I'm going to get an application to a local dinner and apply there. I just need some kind of income. Some kind of source of money. I'll do anything at this point. Well, nothing ILLEGAL but you know.

I went to the gym and worked out today. I did all sorts of stuff. I think I'll be sore tomorrow. Afterwards, I went grocery shopping with the money I got from Christmas. Got some safe foods. And then I played pokemon go for a bit. Went outside and fought some gyms. It was a good time. Now Ill play Project Sekai and clean up. Maybe do some laundry. I need to wash my gym clothes. Gotta work off dinner and get some good sleep tonight too.

Woot.
-J
 
Discussion starter · #24 ·
Today wasn't a good day. In fact, the last two days haven't been good.

I don't want to get into it, but something traumatic happened to me last night. I just don't want to talk about it. But I need people to know that when you're always nice and kind, you can easily get taken advantage of. So its better to be a protective bitch than to let everyone always walk over you. Because there are always people in the world that don't give a shit and do things to deliberately hurt you.

I don't plan on eating today. Or possibly ever again.
-J
 
Discussion starter · #25 ·
Still upset from the other day.

I didn't plan on writing anything. But I can't sleep. I just can't sleep without nightmares now. This is fucking ridiculous. I wish I was stronger. I wish it never happened. I'm so over being this weak, pathetic human being. I can't even go to the gym right now because I am coated in bruises. I mean I could go at like 3 in the morning but who does that. The place is open 24/5 so I have a less chance of seeing anyone. But I just can't sleep. I need a way to burn off this access energy that I have because I am fucking wired.

I have a family event that I'm going to on Saturday. My sister and brother know, I called my brother at 3am when it happened and my sister is just a nosey person. How am I supposed to face my family when I look like this? It's so embarrassing, I'm 24 years old dammit. It's all my fault too. I should have never agreed to meet up with him. I should have just followed my gut and stayed away.

But I didn't.

And now look at me.

People wonder why I don't trust anyone. This is why. Because I get taken advantage of all the time. Not just by him but by my family and sometimes even my friends. I'm just the backup friend. I'm not the friend that gets invited to anything, I have to invite them. I'm the friend that is there if the other friends can't hang out. I'm replaceable. I'm so over being hurt by the people that are supposed to care about me.

I can't even begin to think about eating. I feel so fat and disgusting. I just want to be non-existent. I just want to sleep. I want to be a good person but I think being a protective bitch is much easier. That way no one can hurt me ever again.

I don't need anyone.
I'm fine by myself.
Fuck everyone and everything.
-J
 
Discussion starter · #26 ·
I ended up telling my mom.

I cried. She cried. There wasn't a whole lot to tell her honestly but she understood. And she feels bad for bugging me about it but at least now she knows and will leave me alone.

I had a family event tonight. It was not fun. I tried really hard to make it look like I was okay but my sister said that she could tell I was upset. I just didn't want to be there honestly. I get why we had it, it's important. But It would probably be better if I wasn't there considering my identity is a sore spot for a lot of people in my family. And besides what happened, I really don't need people bashing me. I really don't...

I only had a small plate of food. Hopefully no one noticed. I might start fasting on Monday. See how it goes. Maybe I'll do 48-24-48 and see if it works. My goal is to be down to 200 by february. that would be liberating. I can't remember the last time I was 200 lbs. I just wish I could be a stick. No curves. No ass. Nothing but a scrawny stick. Straight and thin and light. That's all I want.

Anyways, I'm going to play the sims now. I'm tired and really want to sleep but I figure I should wait a little longer before going to bed. Just because I don't want to mess up my sleep cycle anymore that it is already.

See ya.
-J
 
Discussion starter · #27 ·
I told my dad and step mom tonight.

Everything. About the attack. About being jobless. To my shock they were so understanding. Dad told me to call my student loan people and ask for a deferment. I'm going to end up probably going back to my old receptionist job if they will let me. I'll talk to the manager at some point this week. I just need a source of income. I just need something.

The only downside with talking to my parents is that we went and got dinner afterwards. I couldn't lie to them and say I had already eaten. They looked in my empty fridge and were more than unhappy. Now they're adamant about giving me money for groceries too. I feel so guilty. I hate taking money from them. I feel like a failure.

They did give me money for a haircut though which will be nice. I think a fresh hair cut will help me cut the ties with the attack last week. I wish I would have told them sooner. I know why I was scared, my feelings are valid. I just...my dad isn't some bad guy. He cares about me. My stepmom too. I just have to talk. Which is so scary. But I have to do it. I have to talk.

I can't hold it in much longer.
-J
 
Discussion starter · #28 ·
It's been a few days.

Sorry for the long awaited update. I had a lot going on. There was the haircut, the job interview I had, the grad school preparations, and everything in between. Plus I had to see my therapist. It was a whole ordeal.

Tracking wise, I'm down to 215. Thank god. I've been fasting on and off all week and now tonight I'm going to fast until tomorrow and then break it probably with some shirataki noodles. I haven't quite decided what I want to do yet. I do know that I'm happy to be 215 again and as high as that it is, I know I can lower it. I think once I hit 200 I'll celebrate. If I have the money anyways.

I have another job interview on Wednesday and hopefully I don't screw it up. I'm so nervous, I could cry. I just need a job so bad. So fucking bad. I had to call my parents and ask for money because I'm short on rent and bills. Hopefully I can get this job and not worry. I just need a source of income. Badly.

It's weird but when I fast, I get manic. That's probably why I've decided to apply for grad school. Even though I know I probably won't get in. I just have to try. At least this way I can say I tried you know? If I don't get in, I'll just work and then try again next year. Again, the worst they can do is say no.

Anyways, the server I'm a part of has been rocking lately. I'm glad to have met friends who struggle like me. It makes me feel not as alone. Hopefully I can stay friends with them for a while.

I'm tired, it's been a stressful day. It's time to get ready for bed.

See ya.
-J
 
Discussion starter · #29 ·
Currently at my parents house. They gave me some more money for gas and food. I feel bad, I probably won't use the money for food just yet. Right now I'm playing a game with my friends from the server. It's called the hunger games and basically we're seeing who can fast the longest. It's a stupid game but I love it. I hope that I win. I can fast for days.

Still no luck with the job. I hope I find something soon. I just need something. Anything. I have had one interview for one position and a second interview for that position. But I have to have a third interview for the position as well. So stupid. I hope I get it though. I just really need a source of income.

For those who don't know, the US is going through a recession right now. There's a job shortage and no one is hiring. I have probably applied for like 70 jobs at this point. But I've only heard back from 3. It's also incredibly expensive to live here. The cost of living is ridiculously high. My rent is increasing by $30 and it's so stupid. There's no reason to increase my rent. They already increased it by $10 last year. Now they're increasing it again. FOr no reason. There's no new amenities, nothing is changing. Why the fuck do they have to increase my rent?

Currently on day 2 of hunger games. So far there's 3 of us left. Staying at my parents house is tricky but I am sure I can make it work. Tonight I'm going cardio drumming with my step mom and then we're doing my taxes. It's risky to work out while not eating but oh well. I'm not driving so it's fine. And if I pass out, I pass out lol. I don't care. It's probably fine.

My sims isn't working. Stupid. It must be because of the update. All my mods aren't working now. whoopsies.

Cutting it short. Do you ever feel like you're drowning? That what I feel like right now.

Oh well.
-J
 
Discussion starter · #30 ·
Ive spent the last couple of days sleeping.

It's all I have the energy for. I'm so depressed. I don't know what to do. I just want to sleep all day and pretend that I'm not dying in debt. There isn't a whole lot of good things happening to me right now. I really just need someone or something to give me a chance.

Still at 213. Haven't dropped below it yet. I have been OMADing. I won the Hunger Games on my server. But now it's back to disordered eating and praying to god I lose the weight. I just want to be under 200. I think I could thrive if I was under 200. I just want to be thin. Supposedly if I eat what I'm eating now, and go to the gym, I can be under 200 by March. That would be a dream.

My birthday is coming up. I don't want to get older. I just want to sleep. I don't have any money to celebrate either. How am I supposed to live when I can barely afford my next meal and my parents are paying my rent? I feel like a failure.
-J
 
Discussion starter · #31 ·
T minus 3 days until my birthday.

Like last year, I feel no joy. Last year I ended up in the hospital due to mental health reasons. But now...I can't even afford to go to the hospital. And I'm still paying it off. I wish....I wish I never lived here. I wish I lived in a cheaper place. A place where healthcare didn't cost me and arm and a leg. Where my rights weren't the topic of discussion. Where I could be happy without worrying. I just want to live again.

Fasting today. I have no food in my apartment except for rice. I want to keep the weight off so...no food it is. Maybe on Friday when I see my mom she can help me out. Or at least...maybe she can pay for my driver's license renewal. I have to do that this year. I HAVE to. It's required by law. I can't believe this is the world I'm living in. I hate being poor. I wish I could just be a sim and have unlimited amounts of money. On top of that, my drain isn't working. So there's water in my bathtub from yesterday and it's so gross. I already called maintenance about an issue this week, they're gonna have a field day about this drain issue.

Being an adult sucks. I wish I was a teenager again. There are so many things I would do over. So many things I wish I could do over and try again. If I was a teenager again, I would break up with my ex earlier and try again. I would focus on my studies. I would stay in the dorms another year and study abroad a different year. I would smile more and focus on my top surgery. I would meet my friends sooner. I would just try to be happier.

I wish I could turn back time.
-J
 
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