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Wannabethin18's Blog

1K views 30 replies 2 participants last post by  wannabethin18 
#1 ·
Today was a hard day.

You would think by now I would have it figured out. I'm 24, living on my own, have a job. I even graduated college. But the truth is I'm so lost. It makes me want to cry. Life tends to get more stressful for me around the holidays. There aren't many people I can turn to and the colder weather always makes me depressed. I'm a grown-ass adult. I should be able to function and live. I don't need anyone.

I was doing so well the last few months. Eating regularly, getting decent sleep, taking my meds. Trying to socialize. I was surviving! Dare I say, I was even thriving at one point. But...one comment is all it takes. One comment.

It's not her fault really. My stepmom means well. But she is hyper-focused on losing weight. And my dad has recently lost a ton of weight as a result of covid that turned into pneumonia that turned into major surgery. He weighs less than me now. I was so shocked, I said "holy cow you weigh less than me." and my step mom looked at me and said 'Seriously? You need to work on your pudge." and she smiled and laughed. And I know it was meant to be taken as a light-hearted comment. She's right after all. But little does she know that it was her comment about my weight that really started this whole thing when I was 13 years old. I'm not saying she is the one that gave me the eating disorder, that part is on me. I let it spiral out of control. The worst part is...I don't think she even knows how much it hurts. How much I struggle with eating.

I'm 24 now. It's been over 10 years and this disease has not gotten any easier. I think about food all day long and what I'm consuming. I can't even look at myself in a mirror anymore. I won't let anyone take pictures of me. I know I could be bigger, that it could be a lot worse. But I'm still big. I know I'm overweight. I know I gained weight in college. I know that I need to lose it. But after years of restricting and binge eating, my metabolism is so messed up that losing weight the healthy way feels nearly impossible. It feels like everything I eat just goes straight to my thighs and stomach. Sometimes I even wish I was sick too.

I don't want to work. I don't want to take my meds. I don't want to function. I have a gym membership but I know that if I'm not careful I'll abuse it. I've lost the weight before, I know I can do it again. Unhealthily, I mean. I just want to sleep all day.

And the worst part is...I'm so freaking lonely. There is no one I can talk to about this. No one. My friends...they wouldn't understand. They're all super skinny with great metabolisms. They're also mostly girls. I'm not saying they are small minded, but a guy with an eating disorder...I don't think they would understand the kind of pressure I face. I love them dearly. They're my whole world. But they don't struggle with eating like I do. And my family, well, they just don't get it either. I'm also older. I'm 24. I feel like everyone is younger than me. And I don't want to influence anyone younger than me. I don't want them to be like me. No one should be like me.

It feels good to write it out. My therapist told me that I should join a support group but in my area there are none. Just getting it out there feels good though. Maybe someone can relate. Being older and still struggling. I know it doesn't get any easier from here on out.

I think the worst thing is, I know exactly what will happen. I'm going to restrict for a few weeks, then the holidays are going to come around, I'll overeat, feel bad, and start the whole cycle again. I wish I could avoid it. I wish I could talk to someone about it. I wish that I didn't feel like all food is poison.

Hopefully the next time I write, I'll be better. I don't know if I'll come back to this post. But I hope that the next time you see me, whoever reads this, I'll be happier.

-J
 
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#28 ·
It's been a few days.

Sorry for the long awaited update. I had a lot going on. There was the haircut, the job interview I had, the grad school preparations, and everything in between. Plus I had to see my therapist. It was a whole ordeal.

Tracking wise, I'm down to 215. Thank god. I've been fasting on and off all week and now tonight I'm going to fast until tomorrow and then break it probably with some shirataki noodles. I haven't quite decided what I want to do yet. I do know that I'm happy to be 215 again and as high as that it is, I know I can lower it. I think once I hit 200 I'll celebrate. If I have the money anyways.

I have another job interview on Wednesday and hopefully I don't screw it up. I'm so nervous, I could cry. I just need a job so bad. So fucking bad. I had to call my parents and ask for money because I'm short on rent and bills. Hopefully I can get this job and not worry. I just need a source of income. Badly.

It's weird but when I fast, I get manic. That's probably why I've decided to apply for grad school. Even though I know I probably won't get in. I just have to try. At least this way I can say I tried you know? If I don't get in, I'll just work and then try again next year. Again, the worst they can do is say no.

Anyways, the server I'm a part of has been rocking lately. I'm glad to have met friends who struggle like me. It makes me feel not as alone. Hopefully I can stay friends with them for a while.

I'm tired, it's been a stressful day. It's time to get ready for bed.

See ya.
-J
 
#29 ·
Currently at my parents house. They gave me some more money for gas and food. I feel bad, I probably won't use the money for food just yet. Right now I'm playing a game with my friends from the server. It's called the hunger games and basically we're seeing who can fast the longest. It's a stupid game but I love it. I hope that I win. I can fast for days.

Still no luck with the job. I hope I find something soon. I just need something. Anything. I have had one interview for one position and a second interview for that position. But I have to have a third interview for the position as well. So stupid. I hope I get it though. I just really need a source of income.

For those who don't know, the US is going through a recession right now. There's a job shortage and no one is hiring. I have probably applied for like 70 jobs at this point. But I've only heard back from 3. It's also incredibly expensive to live here. The cost of living is ridiculously high. My rent is increasing by $30 and it's so stupid. There's no reason to increase my rent. They already increased it by $10 last year. Now they're increasing it again. FOr no reason. There's no new amenities, nothing is changing. Why the fuck do they have to increase my rent?

Currently on day 2 of hunger games. So far there's 3 of us left. Staying at my parents house is tricky but I am sure I can make it work. Tonight I'm going cardio drumming with my step mom and then we're doing my taxes. It's risky to work out while not eating but oh well. I'm not driving so it's fine. And if I pass out, I pass out lol. I don't care. It's probably fine.

My sims isn't working. Stupid. It must be because of the update. All my mods aren't working now. whoopsies.

Cutting it short. Do you ever feel like you're drowning? That what I feel like right now.

Oh well.
-J
 
#30 ·
Ive spent the last couple of days sleeping.

It's all I have the energy for. I'm so depressed. I don't know what to do. I just want to sleep all day and pretend that I'm not dying in debt. There isn't a whole lot of good things happening to me right now. I really just need someone or something to give me a chance.

Still at 213. Haven't dropped below it yet. I have been OMADing. I won the Hunger Games on my server. But now it's back to disordered eating and praying to god I lose the weight. I just want to be under 200. I think I could thrive if I was under 200. I just want to be thin. Supposedly if I eat what I'm eating now, and go to the gym, I can be under 200 by March. That would be a dream.

My birthday is coming up. I don't want to get older. I just want to sleep. I don't have any money to celebrate either. How am I supposed to live when I can barely afford my next meal and my parents are paying my rent? I feel like a failure.
-J
 
#31 ·
T minus 3 days until my birthday.

Like last year, I feel no joy. Last year I ended up in the hospital due to mental health reasons. But now...I can't even afford to go to the hospital. And I'm still paying it off. I wish....I wish I never lived here. I wish I lived in a cheaper place. A place where healthcare didn't cost me and arm and a leg. Where my rights weren't the topic of discussion. Where I could be happy without worrying. I just want to live again.

Fasting today. I have no food in my apartment except for rice. I want to keep the weight off so...no food it is. Maybe on Friday when I see my mom she can help me out. Or at least...maybe she can pay for my driver's license renewal. I have to do that this year. I HAVE to. It's required by law. I can't believe this is the world I'm living in. I hate being poor. I wish I could just be a sim and have unlimited amounts of money. On top of that, my drain isn't working. So there's water in my bathtub from yesterday and it's so gross. I already called maintenance about an issue this week, they're gonna have a field day about this drain issue.

Being an adult sucks. I wish I was a teenager again. There are so many things I would do over. So many things I wish I could do over and try again. If I was a teenager again, I would break up with my ex earlier and try again. I would focus on my studies. I would stay in the dorms another year and study abroad a different year. I would smile more and focus on my top surgery. I would meet my friends sooner. I would just try to be happier.

I wish I could turn back time.
-J
 
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