Today was a hard day.
You would think by now I would have it figured out. I'm 24, living on my own, have a job. I even graduated college. But the truth is I'm so lost. It makes me want to cry. Life tends to get more stressful for me around the holidays. There aren't many people I can turn to and the colder weather always makes me depressed. I'm a grown-ass adult. I should be able to function and live. I don't need anyone.
I was doing so well the last few months. Eating regularly, getting decent sleep, taking my meds. Trying to socialize. I was surviving! Dare I say, I was even thriving at one point. But...one comment is all it takes. One comment.
It's not her fault really. My stepmom means well. But she is hyper-focused on losing weight. And my dad has recently lost a ton of weight as a result of covid that turned into pneumonia that turned into major surgery. He weighs less than me now. I was so shocked, I said "holy cow you weigh less than me." and my step mom looked at me and said 'Seriously? You need to work on your pudge." and she smiled and laughed. And I know it was meant to be taken as a light-hearted comment. She's right after all. But little does she know that it was her comment about my weight that really started this whole thing when I was 13 years old. I'm not saying she is the one that gave me the eating disorder, that part is on me. I let it spiral out of control. The worst part is...I don't think she even knows how much it hurts. How much I struggle with eating.
I'm 24 now. It's been over 10 years and this disease has not gotten any easier. I think about food all day long and what I'm consuming. I can't even look at myself in a mirror anymore. I won't let anyone take pictures of me. I know I could be bigger, that it could be a lot worse. But I'm still big. I know I'm overweight. I know I gained weight in college. I know that I need to lose it. But after years of restricting and binge eating, my metabolism is so messed up that losing weight the healthy way feels nearly impossible. It feels like everything I eat just goes straight to my thighs and stomach. Sometimes I even wish I was sick too.
I don't want to work. I don't want to take my meds. I don't want to function. I have a gym membership but I know that if I'm not careful I'll abuse it. I've lost the weight before, I know I can do it again. Unhealthily, I mean. I just want to sleep all day.
And the worst part is...I'm so freaking lonely. There is no one I can talk to about this. No one. My friends...they wouldn't understand. They're all super skinny with great metabolisms. They're also mostly girls. I'm not saying they are small minded, but a guy with an eating disorder...I don't think they would understand the kind of pressure I face. I love them dearly. They're my whole world. But they don't struggle with eating like I do. And my family, well, they just don't get it either. I'm also older. I'm 24. I feel like everyone is younger than me. And I don't want to influence anyone younger than me. I don't want them to be like me. No one should be like me.
It feels good to write it out. My therapist told me that I should join a support group but in my area there are none. Just getting it out there feels good though. Maybe someone can relate. Being older and still struggling. I know it doesn't get any easier from here on out.
I think the worst thing is, I know exactly what will happen. I'm going to restrict for a few weeks, then the holidays are going to come around, I'll overeat, feel bad, and start the whole cycle again. I wish I could avoid it. I wish I could talk to someone about it. I wish that I didn't feel like all food is poison.
Hopefully the next time I write, I'll be better. I don't know if I'll come back to this post. But I hope that the next time you see me, whoever reads this, I'll be happier.
-J
You would think by now I would have it figured out. I'm 24, living on my own, have a job. I even graduated college. But the truth is I'm so lost. It makes me want to cry. Life tends to get more stressful for me around the holidays. There aren't many people I can turn to and the colder weather always makes me depressed. I'm a grown-ass adult. I should be able to function and live. I don't need anyone.
I was doing so well the last few months. Eating regularly, getting decent sleep, taking my meds. Trying to socialize. I was surviving! Dare I say, I was even thriving at one point. But...one comment is all it takes. One comment.
It's not her fault really. My stepmom means well. But she is hyper-focused on losing weight. And my dad has recently lost a ton of weight as a result of covid that turned into pneumonia that turned into major surgery. He weighs less than me now. I was so shocked, I said "holy cow you weigh less than me." and my step mom looked at me and said 'Seriously? You need to work on your pudge." and she smiled and laughed. And I know it was meant to be taken as a light-hearted comment. She's right after all. But little does she know that it was her comment about my weight that really started this whole thing when I was 13 years old. I'm not saying she is the one that gave me the eating disorder, that part is on me. I let it spiral out of control. The worst part is...I don't think she even knows how much it hurts. How much I struggle with eating.
I'm 24 now. It's been over 10 years and this disease has not gotten any easier. I think about food all day long and what I'm consuming. I can't even look at myself in a mirror anymore. I won't let anyone take pictures of me. I know I could be bigger, that it could be a lot worse. But I'm still big. I know I'm overweight. I know I gained weight in college. I know that I need to lose it. But after years of restricting and binge eating, my metabolism is so messed up that losing weight the healthy way feels nearly impossible. It feels like everything I eat just goes straight to my thighs and stomach. Sometimes I even wish I was sick too.
I don't want to work. I don't want to take my meds. I don't want to function. I have a gym membership but I know that if I'm not careful I'll abuse it. I've lost the weight before, I know I can do it again. Unhealthily, I mean. I just want to sleep all day.
And the worst part is...I'm so freaking lonely. There is no one I can talk to about this. No one. My friends...they wouldn't understand. They're all super skinny with great metabolisms. They're also mostly girls. I'm not saying they are small minded, but a guy with an eating disorder...I don't think they would understand the kind of pressure I face. I love them dearly. They're my whole world. But they don't struggle with eating like I do. And my family, well, they just don't get it either. I'm also older. I'm 24. I feel like everyone is younger than me. And I don't want to influence anyone younger than me. I don't want them to be like me. No one should be like me.
It feels good to write it out. My therapist told me that I should join a support group but in my area there are none. Just getting it out there feels good though. Maybe someone can relate. Being older and still struggling. I know it doesn't get any easier from here on out.
I think the worst thing is, I know exactly what will happen. I'm going to restrict for a few weeks, then the holidays are going to come around, I'll overeat, feel bad, and start the whole cycle again. I wish I could avoid it. I wish I could talk to someone about it. I wish that I didn't feel like all food is poison.
Hopefully the next time I write, I'll be better. I don't know if I'll come back to this post. But I hope that the next time you see me, whoever reads this, I'll be happier.
-J