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Wannabethin18's Blog

1K views 30 replies 2 participants last post by  wannabethin18 
#1 ·
Today was a hard day.

You would think by now I would have it figured out. I'm 24, living on my own, have a job. I even graduated college. But the truth is I'm so lost. It makes me want to cry. Life tends to get more stressful for me around the holidays. There aren't many people I can turn to and the colder weather always makes me depressed. I'm a grown-ass adult. I should be able to function and live. I don't need anyone.

I was doing so well the last few months. Eating regularly, getting decent sleep, taking my meds. Trying to socialize. I was surviving! Dare I say, I was even thriving at one point. But...one comment is all it takes. One comment.

It's not her fault really. My stepmom means well. But she is hyper-focused on losing weight. And my dad has recently lost a ton of weight as a result of covid that turned into pneumonia that turned into major surgery. He weighs less than me now. I was so shocked, I said "holy cow you weigh less than me." and my step mom looked at me and said 'Seriously? You need to work on your pudge." and she smiled and laughed. And I know it was meant to be taken as a light-hearted comment. She's right after all. But little does she know that it was her comment about my weight that really started this whole thing when I was 13 years old. I'm not saying she is the one that gave me the eating disorder, that part is on me. I let it spiral out of control. The worst part is...I don't think she even knows how much it hurts. How much I struggle with eating.

I'm 24 now. It's been over 10 years and this disease has not gotten any easier. I think about food all day long and what I'm consuming. I can't even look at myself in a mirror anymore. I won't let anyone take pictures of me. I know I could be bigger, that it could be a lot worse. But I'm still big. I know I'm overweight. I know I gained weight in college. I know that I need to lose it. But after years of restricting and binge eating, my metabolism is so messed up that losing weight the healthy way feels nearly impossible. It feels like everything I eat just goes straight to my thighs and stomach. Sometimes I even wish I was sick too.

I don't want to work. I don't want to take my meds. I don't want to function. I have a gym membership but I know that if I'm not careful I'll abuse it. I've lost the weight before, I know I can do it again. Unhealthily, I mean. I just want to sleep all day.

And the worst part is...I'm so freaking lonely. There is no one I can talk to about this. No one. My friends...they wouldn't understand. They're all super skinny with great metabolisms. They're also mostly girls. I'm not saying they are small minded, but a guy with an eating disorder...I don't think they would understand the kind of pressure I face. I love them dearly. They're my whole world. But they don't struggle with eating like I do. And my family, well, they just don't get it either. I'm also older. I'm 24. I feel like everyone is younger than me. And I don't want to influence anyone younger than me. I don't want them to be like me. No one should be like me.

It feels good to write it out. My therapist told me that I should join a support group but in my area there are none. Just getting it out there feels good though. Maybe someone can relate. Being older and still struggling. I know it doesn't get any easier from here on out.

I think the worst thing is, I know exactly what will happen. I'm going to restrict for a few weeks, then the holidays are going to come around, I'll overeat, feel bad, and start the whole cycle again. I wish I could avoid it. I wish I could talk to someone about it. I wish that I didn't feel like all food is poison.

Hopefully the next time I write, I'll be better. I don't know if I'll come back to this post. But I hope that the next time you see me, whoever reads this, I'll be happier.

-J
 
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#2 ·
I did a small fast today. From 9am to about 5pm. There's no getting around my roommate right now, I have to eat whether I like it or not. But they sleep most of the day so I can get away with not eating until dinner time. I made dinner tonight so I could count the calories. I'm pleased that it didn't go over 500. That's still a lot in one setting, but 500 is better than 1000.

Today was a better day. Work sucked but I was able to pull through. I work the whole weekend so that's going to be fun. Be an adult they said. It would be fun they said. The only good thing is my roommate is temporary. And when they leave, it's back to an empty fridge. Although they do think I am getting sick. That's been my excuse for not being able to eat recently. And to be honest, I don't feel good. I do think I am coming down with hopefully just a cold. Holidays always make me sick.

For dinner I had:
  • 1/2 cup of white rice (around 121cal)
  • shirataki noodles with sauce (about 25cal for the noodles and 50cal for the sauce)
  • 1 cup of miso soup (around 85cal).

I also had a venti strawberry acai in the morning (About 130cal) because I needed the caffeine to stay awake (don't work 3rds y'all).

So in total we're looking at...281cal for dinner plus my drink so...411cal in total for the day. approximately.

I loath tomorrow already. But luckily I can sleep most of the day if I need to. And drink more miso soup. That's always filling. Hopefully I can drink more water too. I definitely skipped on the water today. But that venti acai also made me pee like a billion times.

Still incredibly lonely. It would be nice if I knew more people my age that struggled. Maybe I wouldn't feel as alone as I do now. Also, I feel like my BMI is higher than most of the people on this site. I know that we can't ask for buddies anymore, and I get why, but damn do I feel alone.

For now, I'll play it cool. Try to keep a low radar so my roommate doesn't notice hopefully. Even if they do, I'll just pull the sick card again. I'll pull the sick card as much as I need to. Even if it seems suspicious. Because I don't want to fail again.

Just keep swimming.
-J
 
#3 ·
Today was not a good day.

Work is really, really stressful. Incredibly stressful. I get that everyone has bad days and what not, but today just really sucks. I walked in and it was an absolute shit show. And it's just me working tonight (I work 3rds at a behavioral unit) and its crazy. They need at least two people to manage a full house and tonight it's just me. I'm so fucking pissed, it's not funny.

I have a minute now to write about my day, but I'm still incredibly upset. I know that working in this field can be difficult. I've been doing it for a few months now. And I've come to realize that this job is not for me. So I've started looking else where but the problem is no one is hiring in my area. At least jobs that provide a decent income for a college graduate that won't leave me scrambling for money. I have so much anxiety about this job. It would be better if I was working with someone, then I wouldn't be such a mess. But it's just me and a house full of clients. You would think they would be asleep but the truth is many of them are not. How am I supposed to juggle everyone and provide the best care?

I ate way too much for dinner tonight. I had a cup of rice and some bokchoy soup. My roommate is starting to get suspicious I think. I generally don't feel good, but I can only play it so much before they realize I'm using it as excuse not to eat. I couldn't even weigh my soup so I have no idea how many calories I ingested. My temporary roommate doesn't understand that I need to weigh and measure my food before I eat it. I need to know my calories. I should have never agreed to let them stay with me. I knew it would be too much of a hassle.

It was the only meal that I had tonight though. I splurged and bought a diet coke from McDonald's because I work and need the caffeine. But besides that, dinner was the only thing I had today. I just want to go home and sleep. But my shift doesn't end for another 6 hours.

Someone send me good vibes.
 
#4 ·
Today was kinda bleh.

Work only got more stressful. My client was screaming all night long. I was so overstimulated and overwhelmed, I cried in the office. I think I'm going to quit my job. Double down and look for something else. I have some money saved up so I can afford some time off. But I need a break. I'm burnt out. Being an adult sucks.

I only ate dinner but it was hefty. More than I wanted to consume. I had a family dinner tonight, there was no way of getting around it. But I was small on my portions. No one really said anything thankfully but most of the attention wasn't on me so that made it easy. It sucks because I know I'll have to eat again in a week. A full meal. My mom will be there and she will say something if I don't have enough food on my plate. She knows about my struggles.

I feel like such a failure. I'm 24 years old and I am 215lbs. I have a job that I hate and will quit. I have like two whole friends. I have a college degree but I'm not using it at all. College is such a scam, I swear. 41k in debt, all for a piece of paper that I don't even use. I want to cry again. I feel so lost and confused...

I wish I didn't feel so alone.
 
#5 ·
I quit my job.

There was no way I was going back. I'm going to use the holidays to look for jobs. I have enough money saved up that I can pay my bills for the month. But I did it. I left.

My friend invited me to a local coffee shop so we could look for jobs together. I ended up getting a green tea, I told her I was cold (which I was because we walked there). But the thought of consuming some kind of sugary drink terrified me. So instead I got tea, which tasted super yummy and was very filling.

Dinner was a shit show, again my temporary roommate cooked and I couldn't weigh or measure anything. I don't think my roommate understands that I have a control issue. I need to know how many calories are in what I am consuming. It freaks me out otherwise. I only ate a bowl though. It was some noodles with carrots and beets, and then this egg-tofu omelet looking thing with some cheese sprinkled on it. I don't even want to think about the calories I consumed, I can't count them and I'm already stressed because I am jobless.

I love them to death but they just don't understand. I was super manic the other night and went to the store to buy a scale and they were so confused. Granted, it was 11:00pm so I get it, super sketchy. But I was frantic. My scale broke and I can't not know how much I weigh. I was checking once a week, but now I've been checking everyday. Also, I'm so bummed. I went to walmart in hopes that I could find some Konjac jelly but I didn't find anything. I was so sad. Now I'm going to have to order them from amazon or something. AND they were out of my shirataki noodles. Big sad.

I hate the holidays. I don't know why I let my friend stay with me, it was a horrible idea. And I have another one coming in a few days to stay with me as well. I'll have a full house and it will be so much harder for me to restrict. I can't not restrict. I need to know what I am putting in my body. So far I've been doing an unintentional OMAD diet. I guess it's working but again, I want to measure my calories. I don't know how they can just eat without not knowing. It freaks me out.

Here's to tomorrow I suppose.
-J
 
#6 ·
Today was a better day.

First things first, my roommate woke me up at like 4am because they made this weird, smelling chicken dish that smelled so bad it woke me up from a dead sleep. Literally, it left me nauseated. Then I went to the gym at 9am to get a walk in. I have a gym membership, I might as well use it. This is how I know I'm manic because I feel more "energized". Anyways after the gym I went and got my meds, I went to the bank, I went to the BMV, I picked up a letter of recommendation from an old professor, and then finally I went to a local coffee shop to job search. I didn't drink any coffee though, just two big cups of green tea that left my vibrating with energy lol

Today was a fast day and I played my cards just right. I got home from job searching around 3 and my roommate was still passed out. They were up all night making an English test for their girlfriend and went to bed around 7am. So they slept all day while I was out and about. When they woke up it was close to 5 and I told them that I tried to eat what they made this morning and it made me sick (which is not entirely a lie, the dish made me so nauseated that I could have easily thrown up) so I made my own dish instead. And then I washed all the dishes, which is true. As soon as I got home, I started to clean my apartment because I have another guest staying with me starting on the 21st. Essentially, I told them I ate already. And they were super chill about it. So that means that they will not be plating my meal tonight and I can continue my fast into tomorrow instead of doing OMAD (I have been fasting since 8pm yesterday and I like to do 24 hours at a time). So no dinner tonight but maybe tomorrow. It will depend. They're going to be out all day tomorrow doing stuff in the next city over so I might be able to get away with it again. Who knows. I guess the real question is, do I want to fast for 48 hours or do I do OMAD tomorrow?

Decisions decisions.

oh, I weighed in today. But that's a secret. It's a number I'm not proud of. Maybe when it gets lower I'll share it. It is lower than before, but it's not good enough. I need to be better. Maybe I'll go to the gym again tomorrow. Get some steps in. Or maybe I'll take a walk while the weather is okay. We're supposed to get major snow this weekend. Merry Christmas I suppose.

That's it from me. Until tomorrow.
-J
 
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#7 ·
Today was kinda meh.

I woke up at 2 am, couldn't sleep very well. Around 4 I made myself some breakfast, coming off of a 32 hour fast. My roommate was stuffing their face with bread and soup at 4am. I was so shocked. Like they ate an entire bag of rolls with some kind of soup and kimchi. It was awkward, me and my two eggs with them chowing away on so many carbs.

For breakfast:
  • 2 hard boiled eggs (156cal)
  • 1 rice cake (60cal)
Total: 216cal

I went back to bed after eating and woke up around 1:30. I had to take my medication so I did that and then fell back asleep until about 3:30. I had therapy at 4 so I needed to get going. Therapy was rough today. We tied in a lot of my loneliness with the neglect I faced as a child. There was a lot of crying. But it was a good session.

For dinner:
  • shirataki noodles (40cal) with sauce (80cal)
  • 2 hard boiled eggs (156cal)
Total: 271cal

Total for the day: 487cal

Not exactly where I want to be after a fast but I sincerely think I am coming down with something. Tonight I'll start a 24 hour fast again, probably until 6pm tomorrow. We'll see. Eggs are slowly becoming my safe food again. I went through a period of time where I ate eggs religiously and then I got sick of them. But now they are safe again. I know I should stick to just the whites but oh well. Maybe down the line.

I'm really tired today so I'll cut it short. I'm probably gonna watch tiktoks and crash. Hopefully my roommate comes back in once piece. They were out all day today going shopping. I hope they're okay. They didn't answer my text about what time they'd be home. I left my door unlocked but I don't think I'll be staying awake long enough to see them come home.

My other friend comes tomorrow. Here's to hoping things don't become a shit show.
-J
 
#8 ·
Today was also kinda meh.

Did some job searching. Was very unsuccessful.

Slept a big portion of the day away. My friend is late, his flight got delayed. There's a major snow storm coming and I'm debating on weather or not to go to my mom's house. I don't feel so safe in my apartment. But I don't know, it will depend on how the weather is tomorrow. Tomorrow morning I have to get to the store. I have to get rolls for my aunt's christmas thing if we're even still having it. I don't know even know if we will have it because of the weather. I kinda hope we don't, I don't want to drive in the snow and then I don't have to worry about eating.

Today I fasted because I felt like it. I feel so depressed about being jobless. I hate it. I'm so worried. I need to find something and FAST. Live in Ohio, they said. It would be fun they said. We don't have earthquakes or volcanoes but we do get killer snow at least once a year.

I'm so tired, I just want to sleep. But I have to stay awake for my friend. Hopefully he arrives soon. I hope he's okay. I know the roads are fine but it worries me. I hate driving so his friend is dropping him off. It will be so hard to get around restricting with them here. I feel like such an idiot.

Ugh I can hear my other friend making dinner. They just sprayed oil on a pan. OIL. Gross. Maybe if I pretend to sleep they won't give me any of whatever they're making. They have been plating my food recently. It drives me crazy. I just want to sleep all night.

I'll have a full house tonight. Hopefully they will be warm enough. I'm still worried about the storm. My other friend just texted me and said that he was on his way so that's good. I just hope everyone is safe in this weather. My friends irl and online. We're all going to get hit. I'm super worried. Please take care of yourselves and STAY WARM.
-J
 
#9 ·
Today was worrying.

still haven’t heard back from any jobs. I need to find something by next week or I’m screwed. Hopefully I’ll call next Monday. This big snow storm were about to get is terrifying. I ended up going to my moms with my friends. Just to be safe. I didn’t want to risk my power going out. Hereat least I know my friends will be well fed and taken care of.

im reallly tired today. This entry will be cut short. I did eat dinner butnot very much. Im too tired to eat. Down about 10ish lbs but not where I want to be.

good luck to everyone getting hit with the storm. Stay warm.
-J
 
#10 ·
The snow storm wasn’t too bad honestly.
But the winds that came with it suck. Power was out for quite some time. It was super cold. It IS super cold. Feels like -30F. It’s freezing.

haven’t heard back from any jobs. I’m going to enjoy my weekend and then try tocall on Monday. Hopefully I’ll hear back. Christmas just doesn’t feel the same anymore. I don’t like the holidays. I want it to be over.

mate chickenfor dinner. Mom plated so I don’t know how much it was but it was baked. I also ate some peas. Tomorrow is the big day. The day where we eat so much food. I’m so scared. I don’t want to go. My car mightnot make it there tbh. We’ll see.

im really tired so I’ll keep this short. Also I’m typing on my phone and not my laptop so it’s harder. Happy holidays everyone.
-J
 
#11 ·
Merry Christmas everyone.

Holidays weren't that bad honestly. I didn't gain as much as I thought I would, only 1lb really. I managed to OMAD my time at my mom's house and then for Christmas Eve we went to my aunt's. Christmas day was quiet thankfully, my dad's house didn't have water because of the storm so we postponed our Christmas until this weekend. Not looking forward to waking up super early on Saturday but it's fine.

Still haven't heard back from any jobs. I'm starting to freak out a little. I need to find something soon. Did a little job hunting today but tomorrow I'll have to really jump on it. Then I have to help my temporary roommate move out of their dorm into a new one. Busy day tomorrow. Busy busy busy...

I can hear my roommate making dinner but I don't want to eat it. I had some rice (160cal) and miso soup (25cal) for breakfast, I don't plan on eating much of it. I already told them that I wasn't very hungry tonight. I'll eat some to save suspicions but once they move out I can fast and restrict freely. Hopefully I can get to my first goal weight in February. That would be a nice birthday present to myself.

I just want to sleep. Bleh. I hope I find a job soon. I shouldn't have quit before I found something but oh well. Here's to more job hunting tomorrow.
- J
 
#13 ·
Extremely good luck for the job hunting! I am in the exact same position, and I broke down today when I realized a job I applied for was actually an MLM. I've been unemployed for 6 months and I am losing my mind, but good things will come ♥
Thank you friend!! I hope you find something soon ❤
 
#14 ·
Today was as long day.

Food wise, I did OMAD. But i really pigged out at dinner. Stuffed breadsticks with cheese with my friends. It was a horrible decision and i regret every moment of it. I can feel the oil. Disgusting.

I think I'm getting sick. My throat really hurts and my nose is starting to get stuffy. Hopefully it's just a cold. I don't think could handle covid round two. Especially since I just watched my dad fight for his life getting it. Really, REALLY don't want to have covid...

I helped my friend move out today. They switched dorms. It was such a tedious task. It took almost 9 hours. I'm exhausted and ready for bed.

This will be a short entry. I'm so tired...
-J
 
#15 ·
Getting worried.

I haven't heard back from any jobs yet. I'm starting to freak out. I have enough to get by but I'm so scared. My parents don't know that I quit my job. I just saw my dad yesterday and I think he is starting to notice. I hate being unemployed but there was no way I was going back. Not after what happened.

I feel so guilty. I should be lower than I am right now but I'm not because I ate tacobell even though I know I'm getting sick. I felt so bad. I feel like a disgusting POS. I feel like my control is slipping. There is so much I have going on and the only thing I can control is what I eat. Nothing else brings me comfort like an empty stomach. I know it's fucked up but goddamn I'm a mess.

I joined a new discord server but its pretty...quiet. There are a lot of younger people in there. I mean I am not saying I'm old by any means but...damn. I just wanted someone to relate to. Someone who understands. I did make a new friend though, that was cool. But they live pretty far away. It's pretty cool that they have a higher BMI like me though.

I don't feel so bad. This isn't a problem. I don't have a problem. I have this all under control. I'm just being careful with what I eat. Ever since I went into recovery a few years ago I let myself go. This is just me getting everything back to the way it was before. I wasn't even sick before. I was perfectly fine.

I am getting sick though. Or at least I was. I feel a bit better today but yesterday was rough. I had the worst scratchy throat and I felt so incredibly tired that I pretty much slept all day. Right through dinner too. i also had a fever. I don't think I'll be eating dinner tonight since I ate tacobell earlier. Gotta stick with my OMAD, even if its disgusting food.

My friend is staying with another friend so that's nice, but I still have a temporary roommate. I love them to death but the food they make...is just plain disgusting. I don't have the heart to tell them. The last couple of days I've been faking my meals and they haven't really noticed. Even with one roommate it's hard to skip meals. I can't wait for them to leave. I love them, but I like having my own space.

I weighed in on Monday but I weighed in this morning and I've maintained my weight. It's thursday. I should be losing but I'm not. I hope I'm not plateauing, it's way too early for that. I haven't even broken out of the 200s yet.

Anyways, I'll wrap this up but it's nice to have some energy back. I gotta go fake a meal so my roommate doesn't get suspicious. Luckily they sleep all day so I have some time. Maybe I'll get some cleaning done and some more job hunting too.

See ya.
-J
 
#16 ·
Still sick!

It isn't covid, I've tested already. But I am fed up with my scratchy voice. I have drank so much green tea this week that I feel like my skin is going to turn green.

Still doing my OMAD trend right now. For breakfast I had:
  • two boiled eggs (156cal)
  • 1/4 cup of rice (160cal)
  • 1.2 cup of miso soup (25cal)

Total: 341cal

I had a big cup of green tea this evening for my throat. I alternate between cold drinks and hot drinks for the swelling going on. Colder feels better but hot helps with pain. Even with my controlled "binge" yesterday I'm losing the weight still. I lost 1lbs. Trying not to weigh in every day but once a week. So far I've been maintaining this weight, I'd like to continue to lose it.

It's taking all the effort I have not to order pizza. Pizza just sounds super good right now and I know that if I order it, I won't be able to stop. I could eat an entire pizza if I wasn't careful. It's one of the few fear foods that truly scares me. I can't risk it. I've been doing so well, I don't want to mess it up over a bunch of calories and fatty oils. But little caesars sounds so so good right now. so good. But it's also Friday night so I doubt we would actually get a pizza.

nothing from jobs yet. I know it's the new year and that places are closed. I just wish I could find something soon. My rent is due on the 1st and I'm so scared. Also, I'm going to drain my bank account trying to make ends meet. I hope that doesn't happen. I don't have much time. I need to find something soon. Please send me all your good vibes because ya boi needs it.

This new years I want to get out of the 200s. If I could get out of the 200s in January I would be a happy man. If I could just get under 200 I think I'd hit my first goal weight. and then to reward myself I might get some konjac jellies! I need to increase my safe foods list. It's so small.

I'm tired, y'all.
-J
 
#17 ·
Happy New Year!

I'm still incredibly sick. Last night I went out to my friend's house and we drank and ate a lot. I felt so sick afterwards and then this morning I felt even worse. I binged today on McDonalds and it took all the strength I had not to throw it up. I'm already sick as it is, I hate throwing up. I have had this upper respiratory infection for like a week now. It's not covid I checked twice. But I Feel so so bad. My throat is killing me too.

Not much to say today. I'm so tired, I will probably just have a short entry for today. My roommate is still here creating havoc. I wish they weren't cooking all the time. Starting tomorrow I'll be back to my OMAD business and try to get out of the 200s.

Wish me luck.
-J
 
#18 ·
I think I have bronchitis.

I'm still sick. I fasted for about 24 hours before caving in. My body is disgustingly weak right now.

The new server is awesome. A lot of people in their 20s and 30s. it's nice not to be the oldest. I'm glad there are other people who can share my struggles. I didn't feel so comfortable in the other server. Everyone was super young.

I went to the gym today against my better judgement. I wore a mask but I gained over the holidays and I needed to go. I have to get in shape. I have to. My lungs are shit. I need to get into better shape and work out more. I have a friend I can go with but she works a ton. Hopefully after this sickness is done I can be better. Do not go to the gym when you're sick. Do NOT be like me.

Still nothing back from jobs. Tomorrow I'll keep searching. I'm starting to get really really worried. I haven't even gotten an interview yet. I'm just so scared. I don't want to go back to serving. I really don't. Serving made me so upset. The money was good but I was living pay check to pay check. I don't even think my old serving place would take me back anyways. I basically cut my ties with them. They're also super far away and gas is still hella expensive.

Anyways, short entry. I'm tired and I want to sleep. Just a few more days with my temporary roommates and then I can restrict in peace. They go back next weekend thankfully. I just need a few more days. Tomorrow I'll stick with my OMAD goals. Hopefully I didn't gain again. I hate gaining. It drives me nuts. Stupid body.

See ya.
-J
 
#19 ·
I can hear my temporary roommate making dinner.

I can't eat it. I can't. I'm so nauseous it's not funny. I can smell the meat. I can smell the peppers. It's too much. I don't have a problem. I don't. I'm just sick. Every little thing sets me off and I am having a hard time keeping stuff down right now. I don't want to throw up. I hate throwing up.

The new server is good. I'm making friends. I feel like such a nuisance though. I talk all the time. I try not to, try to not talk about myself too much either. But sometimes I can't help it. I just want them to know I an relate to their issues too. I wish I was able to keep a conversation going without automatically talking about myself. There are some really cool people from all over the world on the server. They're super nice and accepting too. It feels nice to make friends. It feels nice to not be alone for once.

I'm so tired. Nothing on the job front. Just radio silence. No interviews. No "we're sorry" responses. Just straight up ghosted. How the fuck am I supposed to find a job when no one is giving me a chance. My friends keep telling me to continue to apply to stuff but I'm running out of options. I don't want to go back to serving. I don't want to work at a Mcdonalds or a starbucks. I need something good. I need something that won't make me want to off myself. My body can't handle the serving anymore.

I worked out today. I shouldn't have but the idea of being home alone with my thoughts or a roommate that cooks 24/7 sends me spiraling. I needed an outlet. So I put on a mask and walked for 30 minutes at the gym and the biked for about 15 minutes afterwards. I didn't burn much, I didn't really push myself because I'm sick. But I can feel my fat when I walk. I can feel my thighs touching. I can feel it all. It's disgusting. I'm disgusting. I don't want to be like this anymore but I can't stop myself.

I don't have a problem. I'm fine. Everything is fine. I just have to keep on going.
-J
 
#20 ·
Still sick. Still tired.

No job yet. Freaking out. Trying to keep myself occupied but the money is going to run out at some point. I'm so scared. And the worst part is, my parents don't know. If my dad finds out he's going to kill me.

Temporary roommate moved out earlier than expected. No more nauseous food. But I do have a guest staying with me until Saturday. Hopefully I can move him in earlier. Just a few more days and this is all over. I can cook my meals in peace and not have to worry about restricting in front of anyone. THank fuck.

I am feeling better. Much better than I did on new years. But I'm still sick. Still coughing up crap. Trying to keep myself occupied and not worry but...it's not working so much. I just need to feel better and find something soon.

Short entry because I'm tired.
-J
 
#21 ·
I woke up out of a dead sleep because I had a dream about being homeless.

Still no luck with the job. Really starting to freak out. I hope I find something soon. Monday I will apply for more jobs and go walking downtown seeing if any serving positions are available. I didn't want to go back to serving but I might not have a choice. I have been ghosted by all these jobs. They say no one wants to work anymore but the reality is no one is fucking hiring. I have applied for countless job and have only gotten one response -- a rejection from a company in the city next to me. Everything else has been radio silence.


Didn't eat breakfast or lunch today but for dinner I did have some rice and shirataki noodles.
  • shirataki (45cal)
  • sauce (50cal)
  • 1/4 cup rice (160 cal)
plus a snack
- chocolate bar (220cal)
total: 475cal

so a bit over what I wanted but still under 500cal. It is taking all the effort I have not to get tacobell. I crave tacobell so much. I know its horrible for me. I just...I just want the sour cream and beef combination. All the oil. I need a healthy alternative. I want out of the 200s so badly.

Tomorrow my friend returns to his dorm and I'll be alone. I'll have an empty apartment. I can fast and restrict in peace! But I'll probably be a bit lonely. I did like having my friends live with me but I wish they had their own rooms. That way my living room wasn't filled to the brim with stuff. Speaking of stuff, I need to start doing grad school stuff so I can get that ball rolling. I don't know how I'm going to manage it but I'm going to give it my best shot.

A part of me wishes I could become a counselor. I feel like I would be good at listening to people's stories and trying to help them through tough times. But at the same time I feel like that's a lot of pressure. A lot of social pressure. I don't want to give anyone bad advice. I just want to be happy. I just want others to be happy.

This life doesn't feel worth living anymore. If I can't find a job soon...I don't know what I will do.
-J
 
#22 ·
I'm all alone again.

Everyone moved out today so it's just me in my apartment. Well, me plus my cat, It feels so strange. I don't mind being alone but as predicted, I am a bit lonely.

Dinner was more shirataki!
  • shirataki packet (45cal)
  • sauce (50cal)
  • red peppers (31cal)
  • cheese (80cal)
  • two eggs (156cal)
total: 372cal

VERY filling. I was going to binge on ramen noodles but I decided not to. It was a very nice moment.

The server hasn't been popping recently. Everyone is in different time zones so it's a bit difficult. But we do communicate things are well. It's nice not to struggle by myself anymore. And they all have higher bmi's like me. A nice bonus. Making friends from all over is so cool.

Still no luck with the job front but it is Saturday so I guess no one will be there to work anyways. Keeping my fingers crossed for Monday calls. I haven't had a single interview for the 30+ jobs I've applied for. I've had one rejection, the rest has just been radio silence. It's so irritating. I never want to hear "No one wants to work" ever again. At this point, I'm going to have to go back to serving. THere is no way to avoid it. Time to look for serving jobs I suppose. I don't think my old job will take me back but I don't really want to go back there anyways.

Tired. I went to the gym this evening before dinner and broke my "no eating after 7pm" rule. But I ate before 8 so I could start my fasting timer at 8 directly. Tonight I'll go to bed early, I'm going to the gym tomorrow morning with a friend since we are trying to get healthy together. Little does she know...anyways.

Cutting it here. I want to watch a movie or play minecraft for a bit. or the sims. I haven't decided. one of the three. good night everyone.
-J
 
#23 ·
My cat keeps sitting on my phone.

She does it because she wants attention and its the cutest thing ever but also I need my phone lol. I'll put it on my bed when I type this journal entry and she just flops on it. So cute.

Today was kinda boring honestly. I had a nightmare about my old workplace that woke me out of a dead sleep at 8:30 in the morning. It worked out, I had to be awake at 9 to go work out at 10 but I was so shocked. I thought I left that behind. I guess not. Sometimes I get nightmares about highschool and being late for college. I think with the stress I'm going through right now, my dreams are only going to get weirder.

Today's cal:
Dinner:
  • 1 veggie burger with cheese and red bell peppers (184cal)
  • 2 vegan hashbrowns (130cal)
  • 1 leaf of cabbage (6cal)

Snack:
- 20 popcorners chips (120cal)

total: 440cal

Not a bad day. Just boring. Still worried that I won't get any calls this week. I am so desperate for a job. I applied at a serving job and then tomorrow after I work out I'm going to get an application to a local dinner and apply there. I just need some kind of income. Some kind of source of money. I'll do anything at this point. Well, nothing ILLEGAL but you know.

I went to the gym and worked out today. I did all sorts of stuff. I think I'll be sore tomorrow. Afterwards, I went grocery shopping with the money I got from Christmas. Got some safe foods. And then I played pokemon go for a bit. Went outside and fought some gyms. It was a good time. Now Ill play Project Sekai and clean up. Maybe do some laundry. I need to wash my gym clothes. Gotta work off dinner and get some good sleep tonight too.

Woot.
-J
 
#24 ·
Today wasn't a good day. In fact, the last two days haven't been good.

I don't want to get into it, but something traumatic happened to me last night. I just don't want to talk about it. But I need people to know that when you're always nice and kind, you can easily get taken advantage of. So its better to be a protective bitch than to let everyone always walk over you. Because there are always people in the world that don't give a shit and do things to deliberately hurt you.

I don't plan on eating today. Or possibly ever again.
-J
 
#25 ·
Still upset from the other day.

I didn't plan on writing anything. But I can't sleep. I just can't sleep without nightmares now. This is fucking ridiculous. I wish I was stronger. I wish it never happened. I'm so over being this weak, pathetic human being. I can't even go to the gym right now because I am coated in bruises. I mean I could go at like 3 in the morning but who does that. The place is open 24/5 so I have a less chance of seeing anyone. But I just can't sleep. I need a way to burn off this access energy that I have because I am fucking wired.

I have a family event that I'm going to on Saturday. My sister and brother know, I called my brother at 3am when it happened and my sister is just a nosey person. How am I supposed to face my family when I look like this? It's so embarrassing, I'm 24 years old dammit. It's all my fault too. I should have never agreed to meet up with him. I should have just followed my gut and stayed away.

But I didn't.

And now look at me.

People wonder why I don't trust anyone. This is why. Because I get taken advantage of all the time. Not just by him but by my family and sometimes even my friends. I'm just the backup friend. I'm not the friend that gets invited to anything, I have to invite them. I'm the friend that is there if the other friends can't hang out. I'm replaceable. I'm so over being hurt by the people that are supposed to care about me.

I can't even begin to think about eating. I feel so fat and disgusting. I just want to be non-existent. I just want to sleep. I want to be a good person but I think being a protective bitch is much easier. That way no one can hurt me ever again.

I don't need anyone.
I'm fine by myself.
Fuck everyone and everything.
-J
 
#26 ·
I ended up telling my mom.

I cried. She cried. There wasn't a whole lot to tell her honestly but she understood. And she feels bad for bugging me about it but at least now she knows and will leave me alone.

I had a family event tonight. It was not fun. I tried really hard to make it look like I was okay but my sister said that she could tell I was upset. I just didn't want to be there honestly. I get why we had it, it's important. But It would probably be better if I wasn't there considering my identity is a sore spot for a lot of people in my family. And besides what happened, I really don't need people bashing me. I really don't...

I only had a small plate of food. Hopefully no one noticed. I might start fasting on Monday. See how it goes. Maybe I'll do 48-24-48 and see if it works. My goal is to be down to 200 by february. that would be liberating. I can't remember the last time I was 200 lbs. I just wish I could be a stick. No curves. No ass. Nothing but a scrawny stick. Straight and thin and light. That's all I want.

Anyways, I'm going to play the sims now. I'm tired and really want to sleep but I figure I should wait a little longer before going to bed. Just because I don't want to mess up my sleep cycle anymore that it is already.

See ya.
-J
 
#27 ·
I told my dad and step mom tonight.

Everything. About the attack. About being jobless. To my shock they were so understanding. Dad told me to call my student loan people and ask for a deferment. I'm going to end up probably going back to my old receptionist job if they will let me. I'll talk to the manager at some point this week. I just need a source of income. I just need something.

The only downside with talking to my parents is that we went and got dinner afterwards. I couldn't lie to them and say I had already eaten. They looked in my empty fridge and were more than unhappy. Now they're adamant about giving me money for groceries too. I feel so guilty. I hate taking money from them. I feel like a failure.

They did give me money for a haircut though which will be nice. I think a fresh hair cut will help me cut the ties with the attack last week. I wish I would have told them sooner. I know why I was scared, my feelings are valid. I just...my dad isn't some bad guy. He cares about me. My stepmom too. I just have to talk. Which is so scary. But I have to do it. I have to talk.

I can't hold it in much longer.
-J
 
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