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Vinn's diary

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diary
445 views 14 replies 1 participant last post by  vinn 
#1 ·
Mostly using this to rant and try to hold myself accountable, will update pretty often~
 
#2 ·
So 2 days ago I binged and the bloat after that was so awful I didn't even feel like I ate that much but I looked like I was pregnant and everything hurt so bad so I'm trying to hold myself accountable here hopefully it works I just can't stand the fucking guilt of it all and how much it physically hurts me its not worth it it just makes me miserable

I'm hoping to drop to 49 kgs by my birthday so I have around 4 weeks to accomplish this 3 kgs shouldnt be so bad right? Especially since Im moving in a week I wont even have any food to binge on if I dont buy it, usually I end up binging cause my mom buys too much junk food even though I tell her not to ugh why. She is always concerned Im getting too thin but I literally look normal I dont understand her

I managed to fast for 37 hours and then I ate tuna and some plain oats surprised by how full I felt its been few hours since Im not hungry but I feel strangely uncomfortable I hope the feeling goes away soon
 
#3 ·
Today I ate 820 calories, I'm trying to aim for anywhere under 1000 so I'm satisfied with that. I had such strong urge to binge cause my mom once again bought binge food ugh but I managed to stop myself and I just threw away the food. I know its not good to do that but it immediately calms me down idk?? It feels like I actually ate it and Im done with it so I no longer have the urge to eat. I would love to keep food for 'later' and eat it in smaller portions, but I just can't. I know it'll lead to binge ughh
 
#4 ·
Update

After I fasted for 20 hours I ended up eating a lot more than I wanted... around 1700 cals ughh I was eating well but then I really wanted to eat what my mom got and yea. I didnt go full binge mode happy about that at least but I still feel guilty.

To compensate, I've walked around 25k steps so far, I'm going to do 15k more later and some cardio. I feel like thats not enough and I know I'll still feel guilty but I guess its better than nothing :(
moving out in 4 days cant wait to be alone

And finally, I'm going to be doing pudding mono!! I hate thinking about what to eat and this way its so much easier to track calories. Normally I try to eat better foods, but pudding is my fave and I think if I just eat pudding itll be soo much easier for me. Gonna fast for 24 hours before I start it but Im excited !!
 
#5 ·
god this whole thing feels so stupid its frustrating i hate being obsessed with how much i eat i hate restriction literally why is food such a huge part of peoples lives and why cant i be completely normal about it ?? sometimes i have thoughts of just letting myself eat whatever cause i think id rather gain than have my whole personality center around this and then i notice extra fat on my stomach and i immediately feel like bursting into tears great. so much fun. going back and forth between wanting to be better cause i dont want to waste my whole life on this?? but i cant i just cant do it. i have one life and i am wasting it on having zero interests no friends just obsessing over calories wooo this is so much fun i love my life god forbid i had an actual hobby and personality
 
#6 ·
Well tomorrow is my moving day, I'll be leaving in the morning which means I can ruin myself even more now that Im alone yayy
usually ill end up eating sweets that are in the house but if there is nothing i rarely bother to go out of my way to buy it. im going to go and buy food for my home now, debating on what foods i would be willing to eat that dont make me binge but arent expensive tbh im thinking of just getting bunch of oats and surviving on that and eggs i dont see the point in spending so much money on food why should i bother
 
#7 ·
Yesterday I only ate cookies and stuff but even with that I should be around 900 calories cause I only ate in the morning and then drank diet coke for the rest of the day god i only drink that stuff cause it makes me less hungry but its nasty and my teeth always feel gross. I think ill do the same today for wtv reason if I just sweets even if I dont eat much Ill have no need to eat for the rest of the day? I eat what I want for a bit and then no longer care.

Well I am finally moving in 3 hours or so. Currently I bought multiple pack of oats, some tuna and sardines, coke zero, coffee and tea. We'll see how this goes for me, Ill keep track of my groceries and only buy small stuff to satisfy my cravings. If its not in the house, I dont feel like going out to buy it and uhh Im not abt to binge on oats...

I wonder if Ill feel better mentally, when Im not stressed I eat so much less and my mom has been driving me insane so I want to know how I'll do without her. Is it going to better ? worse somehow? i cant imagine how itd be worse i dont have enough money to buy so much food
 
#8 ·
Its night, Im just now at my place I was supposed to be done super early but instead it turned out like this. I havent slept in awhile and I slept like crap last night and every time Im tired I want to eat but I managed to hold off cause I dont want to feel worse tomorrow morning I just want to sleep... my stomach feels weird why do my insides feel like this
 
#9 ·
As I thought having very little food that I have to make and zero treats makes me not want to eat at all so thats fun, I feel great so far
Im going to go grocery shopping once a week and Im making list of things I want to buy so I can prioritize getting those things instead of food. I just feel like food is such a waste of money for most part like?? It gets so expensive and for what. Temporary pleasure that will disappear that just makes me fat and miserable why would I want that

Some things Im planning to get:
-Hair dye. Been thinking about dying my hair and Ive seen some really nice ones
-A lamp. Im obsessed w lamps and Ive seen this nice lamp shop and there are so many unique ones I want to get at least one
-Clothes. I dont have anything specific in mind but Im tired of how dull my clothes are
-A new wallet
-Pins
-Hair products
-Perfume
 
#14 ·
Its my bday today. Yay. So I drank a lot of water yesterday for couple of hours and didnt eat anything during that time and my stomach actually feels pretty nice? Normally it kinda stays with me longer but maybe its cause I also had greek yogurt yesterday, I noticed it helps me a lot with digestion.

I originally didnt want to do anything for my birthday, but I'll end up going out with 3 of my friends that decided to come over today so there is that. Right now its morning so we'll see how it goes. It may be a lot, but I really want to eat cake for my bday so I'll eat a piece and won't eat anything besides that today. I've been in a low mood cause I kept waking up through the night and birthdays just kinda make me a bit sad, but I hope today is okay. I don't want to stress out over food today even though I'll still restrict
 
#15 ·
I ended up having a mini binge today because today is absolutely going shit god I just. I dont expect much from my birthdays it doesnt have to be a special day but just. An okay day. And we are not even halfway through it and I already cried I've been feeling absolutely awful since yesterday and now the bus my friends were supposed to come with, the only one available for today, broke down and Im just. I wish today could just end I feel very exhausted mentally I don't even care about this stupid bloat anymore I know I'll feel about that too in few hours for fucks sake but right now I have other things that are making me feel so fucking upset. I turned 20 today!! And I can't explain how much of a failure I feel like. What have I done with my life? What are my plans for future? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I've accomplished nothing and I wish I died a bit earlier when everything was still fine so I didn't have to experience feeling this shitty and stupid. Just reading someone's thread, a person who is a regular adult doing regular adult things, I realize I'll never be able to do those things. I'm not even capable of that. I don't ever want to have kids, and I know I won't even have a partner because Im gay and people here are so homophobic and its awful. I know that I'll have to take care of my older brother when I grow older and I dread that, I love him but I'm not capable of taking care of anyone and he'll need someone. I hate it. I hate everything that my life turned out to be. The fact that I'm so incapable of anything, that my most comforting thing right now is controlling my intake and even that causes me additional stress, and oh my period also stopped. I haven't had it in 3 months which I know isn't good but mine are so painful its actually the one good thing to happen!!! I don't know how my day will be but I just want it to be over with. I've been super energetic for last 4 months, but its not cause I've gotten happier and gained will to live like I tell others. I just get too stressed out and lonely if I do nothing and I need to be out and do and do more and more stuff otherwise I can't cope with life. I still feel shitty like I always did, just in a different way comparing to before. I look better than before but I have never felt worse. I wish it would all just end, I give up on getting better. I had my good times and its all over with. I can't do this anymore.
 
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