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tw ending life; a girl i never knew


its been a while since i've been compelled to write anything but i have something serious to reflect on.


my mother works at a very fancy hotel and a few days ago she had this guest with a severely ed plagued daughter. my mom described her as a "cute, sweet girl who looked sick and almost scary," who kept asking my mom for coffee but a specific type, who would only have tea and complained about her weight outwardly to my mom, who tends to be more empathetic and personal towards the guests staying at her hotel.


i don't, didn't know the girl. i know nothing of her situation. i assume her mother either ignored the signs or felt like she was far too gone for help, as it was apparent that she was not receiving any. only wealthy people can afford to stay at the place my mother works at, its four seasons-esque, so if she got treatment it would definitely have been something her family could afford.


i wish i had met her. got the chance to talk, tell her she's not alone. maybe she knew. maybe she was on this website, looming over forums with sunken eyes and hopeless thoughts towards herself and the world.


tonight, she took her own life. at the hotel.


i know nothing about her or her situation so i shouldn't be assuming. i shouldn't be feeling animosity towards her family who was with her at the hotel for vacation, assuming neglect. but i can't help but think that she could be any of us, and the looming thoughts surrounding this girl i had only heard stories of are haunting me.


even though i didn't know her, she deserved so much more.


even though i didn't know her i'm sitting here, wishing i could have done something.


even though i didn't know her, i wish she had a chance to be alive, because when you're that far gone, the definition of alive is just the dictionary telling you that you're breathing and made of carbon.


i will be thinking of her, wishing she at least gained peace in worlds beyond ours.


the scary thing about this illness is that this could happen to any of us. i hope those reading stay safe, as safe as they possibly can.
Heartbreaking :(

r.i.p <3
 
tw ending life; a girl i never knew


its been a while since i've been compelled to write anything but i have something serious to reflect on.


my mother works at a very fancy hotel and a few days ago she had this guest with a severely ed plagued daughter. my mom described her as a "cute, sweet girl who looked sick and almost scary," who kept asking my mom for coffee but a specific type, who would only have tea and complained about her weight outwardly to my mom, who tends to be more empathetic and personal towards the guests staying at her hotel.


i don't, didn't know the girl. i know nothing of her situation. i assume her mother either ignored the signs or felt like she was far too gone for help, as it was apparent that she was not receiving any. only wealthy people can afford to stay at the place my mother works at, its four seasons-esque, so if she got treatment it would definitely have been something her family could afford.


i wish i had met her. got the chance to talk, tell her she's not alone. maybe she knew. maybe she was on this website, looming over forums with sunken eyes and hopeless thoughts towards herself and the world.


tonight, she took her own life. at the hotel.


i know nothing about her or her situation so i shouldn't be assuming. i shouldn't be feeling animosity towards her family who was with her at the hotel for vacation, assuming neglect. but i can't help but think that she could be any of us, and the looming thoughts surrounding this girl i had only heard stories of are haunting me.


even though i didn't know her, she deserved so much more.


even though i didn't know her i'm sitting here, wishing i could have done something.


even though i didn't know her, i wish she had a chance to be alive, because when you're that far gone, the definition of alive is just the dictionary telling you that you're breathing and made of carbon.


i will be thinking of her, wishing she at least gained peace in worlds beyond ours.


the scary thing about this illness is that this could happen to any of us. i hope those reading stay safe, as safe as they possibly can.
damn :/
r.i.p...
 
tw ending life; a girl i never knew


its been a while since i've been compelled to write anything but i have something serious to reflect on.


my mother works at a very fancy hotel and a few days ago she had this guest with a severely ed plagued daughter. my mom described her as a "cute, sweet girl who looked sick and almost scary," who kept asking my mom for coffee but a specific type, who would only have tea and complained about her weight outwardly to my mom, who tends to be more empathetic and personal towards the guests staying at her hotel.


i don't, didn't know the girl. i know nothing of her situation. i assume her mother either ignored the signs or felt like she was far too gone for help, as it was apparent that she was not receiving any. only wealthy people can afford to stay at the place my mother works at, its four seasons-esque, so if she got treatment it would definitely have been something her family could afford.


i wish i had met her. got the chance to talk, tell her she's not alone. maybe she knew. maybe she was on this website, looming over forums with sunken eyes and hopeless thoughts towards herself and the world.


tonight, she took her own life. at the hotel.


i know nothing about her or her situation so i shouldn't be assuming. i shouldn't be feeling animosity towards her family who was with her at the hotel for vacation, assuming neglect. but i can't help but think that she could be any of us, and the looming thoughts surrounding this girl i had only heard stories of are haunting me.


even though i didn't know her, she deserved so much more.


even though i didn't know her i'm sitting here, wishing i could have done something.


even though i didn't know her, i wish she had a chance to be alive, because when you're that far gone, the definition of alive is just the dictionary telling you that you're breathing and made of carbon.


i will be thinking of her, wishing she at least gained peace in worlds beyond ours.


the scary thing about this illness is that this could happen to any of us. i hope those reading stay safe, as safe as they possibly can.
That's absolutely heartbreaking. Poor girl. Even though I did not know her either my heart aches for her. I hope she is in a better place where she is happy and healthy, if such a place does exist.
 
Discussion starter · #24 ·
Oh the irony!

I have not written anything out for my blog since the site change, and the one thing I miss so much about the old site is how the blogs were set up. A lot of the text got messed up in the older posts, and show up black? I have to go fix that later.

Nothing of note to talk about today, but I had a rough night. I've also had a rough couple of months, and I think I've just been driven to the wall, unable to climb myself out of it because the wall is flat and covered in oil. Life has been moving oh so quickly and I don't think I have the resources to handle it as I used to. Not like I did that well either, I was mostly faking my way through everything because nobody taught me how to handle my trauma. Unfortunately, not being able to do that made me a terrible person to a handful of people, and I don't like to acknowledge the cycle of "abused turns into abuser", but I can't really do much about it now anyway. I just never let anyone get close to me anymore.

The pandemic years I spent mostly holed up in my room, only leaving to go on walks, I reached my highest weight in 2020 from constantly eating uncontrollably. There was some sort of void I felt that, after years of pouring concrete into it, cracked open, and I was desperately searching for something to fill it with. Something that would give me a "fix" of some sort. All that resulted from that was weight gain and self hatred, which carried onto the years following.

After failing college and being in and out of hospitals, I met someone who has pushed me off a cliff basically. I was giving up on everything, and she really saw something in me that had promise. I don't know if it's her rose-colored glasses or what, because I still fail to see it.

Ever since the beginning of this year, I've been on this journey of "okay, let me see what they have to say."

I went into therapy regularly, started medication, did all the things that would have them label me as "fixed" and useful to society. I'm even going back to school, something I never imagined doing, as I have no passions but the desire to never have existed in the first place. I've probably mentioned it before, but man. The way a "normal life" is set up is just not it, and even if I managed to have an interesting future, I've seen (not all, of course) the options and none of them seem fulfilling past a superficial level.

I even let some people get close to me again. I tried feeling human, tried having emotions, I tried.

Yet it still feels the same. I act like a complete clown idiot on the outside, I'm funny and charming, but to know more of me is like falling into a pit. I'm still hurting those closest to me, I still feel empty, the concrete isn’t pouring out fast enough to seal anything in the void. My emotions still waver and confuse me so I don’t know how to feel, and all the stress is causing me to snap again. I do not like to snap. Post-traumatic stress disorder flashbacks and rage mixed with adhd emotional blunting and meltdowns do not make for a good time.

I wish I could have insight on why things are so hard. Is it because my father abused me until I couldn’t walk? Is it because my mother broke several items by hitting me with them constantly? Is it because my father would ignore my entire existence when I was just a kid asking what’s for dinner? Or maybe it’s the kids from school, calling me fat, making fun of my thrifted clothes, teasing me because I'm the rare double ethnic person in their majority white school. Maybe it was middle school, where kids sent dm's to me telling me to go end it all, or moving in with my alcoholic step-dad who would yell at me for not being able to do anything right?

I wish I wasn’t so dependent on the ones I got close to. I feel like a huge burden to them. Not even my therapist wants to deal with me, as she hasn’t seen me in months, and is now on strike against the shitty hospital system I'm in.

And now, because I let people in, if I feel even an inkling of abandonment I freak out. I feel like a child losing their mom in the store. Like a kitten who’s been ditched in a box by the dumpster. Like everyone is telling me that I deserve all the bad things I've ever had happen to me, that everyone leaves me in the end, that I'm a horrible excuse of a "human" being. I am 21, but I really just am a tall child. I aged backwards, having to grow up too fast only to have never grown at all.

Point of this journal is to say that I drank way too much cough syrup mixed with other things and hoped I wouldn’t wake up today. The point here is that I woke up and have to keep going again, with the 0.0001% of me saying that I should have hope. The point of this is that my arm, my leg hurts, because I was so inebriated that I found a pair of scissors and wanted to make sure the job was done. The point of this is that my boyfriend called me, and even though he’s upset by my recent actions, yelled at me because he’s scared that something awful might happen to me and it’ll be torturous to him because he cares about me.

The last point?

My ed is the only thing I wake up excited for. And I lost a pound this morning. Isn’t that funny? I guess I have to stick around to see myself slowly decompose. It’s still suicidal, just passively. The slow ride, I guess. And maybe theres a chance that I get to feel genuinely confident and want to stick around for longer. I don't know.

For now, I will go back to reviewing protein bars, because apparently at least one person cares about that thread, and i'm still here to do it lmao uhhh idk if people read blogs here as much because i hate the new format of blogs oh my god
 
Discussion starter · #25 ·
My Literal College Class Project That I Was Proud Of But Can't Tell Anyone About Why I Am Proud Of It So I Will Put It Here

Background:
My professor was nice enough to actually offer alternatives to this project (for biology) because of people like us, but I was too scared to just go up to him and say "hurr durr i have eating issues". Like a responsible person I just threw it to the back of my mind and said "hey, I can lie about logging my food intake, no big deal!", but I started panicking when I finally began the project and then decided to just be honest.

Premise:
This project required students to log their food on mfp for two weeks and write a report on it based on this outline etc etc if ur reading this (I doubt anyone will tbh) you’ll see it lol. It talks about food and nutrients and shit so obvious tw and also a tw for my attempt at humor in writing and also for bad grammar ok coo


Nutrition Project

Paragraph 1: Introduction to the assignment/Explain what you did in the assignment. Why do you suppose this project was picked as the class assignment?


First of all, I would like to apologize. Both to myself and to the instructor. I executed an oversight; the abstract voices in my cacophonic brain all said the same thing in unison, “Lie.” And so, I brushed off my feelings to spare my ego, thinking I could just get this done and pass off as a normal human doing normal human things. This turned out to be insurmountably impossible, and it became too late for me to muster up any ounce of courage to consult anyone (you) about it.

So. The English version of the previous paragraph is: I have an eating disorder. I wanted to oh-so desperately hide and log meals that seemed normal, but even that proved difficult as I already use several apps to track what I eat quite meticulously. Despite this, I have decided to go ahead and display the “warts and all” of how I exist in a project. Will I regret it? Perhaps. Will it be unnecessarily lengthy and grueling to read? Possibly. Did I think about this before spilling out mountains of prose? Yes, but I have a feeling that the other submissions will be significantly shorter, so this might be the only one that stands absurdly at seven feet tall. Have I thought about getting a terrible grade because of this? Yes. Haunting.

Perhaps the intimate anecdotal evidence into a disorder will be something to hold your interest, like some sort of first-hand case study. And not to worry; I am aware that this whole thing might be cause for concern, but I am in treatment for this, among many other things. Progress takes time, and being honest about things (albeit, maybe not in the best way here) could be a step in the right direction. Be warned, for many details are present, not like they haven't been described on the internet, but still.

Now to move on, I believe this assignment was chosen in particular to maybe shine some awareness about an area many people don’t really think much of in college. I mean, we all know that:
  • Parties = alcohol in copious amounts, pizza, snack food
  • Poor time management = “easy breakfast” (e.g. the nearest drive-thru), no breakfast, prescription breakfast, chips for breakfast
  • Lack of quality sleep → increase in cortisol levels → eating more (or sometimes less) than usual since cravings for foods high in “easy energy” increase
  • Drugs (just keeping it “real”, as they say) can increase appetite exponentially or decrease/suppress appetite exponentially

Throw all of that together and combine it with the expectations of being a student; a heterogeneous mixture of chaos. Since you're finally free-ish and trying to balance many new life concepts for the first time, I wouldn't imagine nutrition being seen as a priority for many during college. In many younger people in general, health might be sitting on the backburner of the mind, even if having mindful habits early on might improve how one ages in the long run.

Paragraph 2: Discuss/analyze what the food guide suggests for your required daily serving of food. What types of foods could you eat to accomplish those food categories? Compare your diet to the Healthy Eating Plate. Were your results good or could you use improvements (if improvements- what areas were you lacking on?), what could you do to improve your eating habits, and did you watch what you ate because you knew it was being recorded? About what percentage of your diet comes from processed food, and what percentage of your diet comes from food that was entirely homemade.

The Healthy Eating Plate suggests portions of vegetables, fruits, whole grains, healthy protein, healthy oils, and water to be the basis for a healthy meal. They also suggest staying active alongside consuming the balanced nutrition on the plate figure. As for me, I am only passing in the “water” portion of the Healthy Eating Plate, and I must say that it is staring at me in disdain as I analyze my habits.

Whole grains - I am gluten (and lactose, and egg) intolerant so I avoid wheat and grains as much as possible. Oatmeal is gross, I am sorry for having strong oat opinions but it reminds me of mucus. F-.
  • Whole grains are foods with whole wheat, barley, oats, rye, and buckwheat (?). Whole wheat breads, granolas, or cereals are foods that could satisfy this requirement.

Fruits and vegetables - If I buy any fresh food I will simply abandon the mere idea of it existing. (Not on purpose; I have adhd.) At least some fungi get to enjoy a good meal in the fridge, am I right? I am also lazy. Cooking is just standing with extra steps and I already do not want to be standing for longer than I have to at work. It is fun to cook though, and I enjoy it on occasions but not on a daily basis. F-.
  • Fruits and vegetables include cucumber, tomato, lettuce, spinach, kale, strawberry, blueberry, and the likes. I could add more of these via snacking on them, blending them in a smoothie, or putting them in something else like strawberry pancakes or a fruit parfait, which would fit into most of these groups.

Healthy protein - I do enjoy the occasional sardine, but most of my protein sources, which is most of what I eat, come from powders and flavored rectangular prisms encased in foil. Delicious. I will sometimes eat a burger, but very rarely. This is probably a C- score, which is better than the two above.
  • Healthy proteins include proteins from lean meats, fish, eggs, milk, cheese (low-fat, probably), and other animal products, but there are plant-based options as well, like soy. I could put some soy milk into whole grain cereal, or eat more sardines.

Healthy oils - I am scared of eating oil. I dislike the mouthfeel, especially if I drink water afterwards. I need some acid (like a soda… phosphoric acid) to rinse that weird feeling off. It might be in foods I eat, but since they are packaged I don’t really have to interact with the oil too much. F-.
  • Healthy oils include olive oil, vegetable oil, and other plant based oils (except for coconut). I could put some olive oil and balsamic vinaigrette on a whole grain baguette, if that exists, if my gluten intolerance didn't exist. Cooking with them is an option too, but I dislike oil quite strongly as stated above.

Water - I drink at least four bottles of water a day. This is my only A+ category, let me have my moment to shine.
  • Water includes…… water. I think water quality might be important, and I try to get electrolyte powders or other things to help my body absorb the water more than just filtering it out immediately.

Yes. My results could improve. I lacked in almost every area except for the delicious and refreshing covalent bond between hydrogen and oxygen (H2O to be specific, not H2O2). I ate what I normally ate, but I know I could improve my habits, and my therapist is supposed to be helping with that. I also could make more time to cook things, but I barely have time to do things I like in my free time anymore, so that would be tough. I like fruits a lot, but sometimes it's “too old” or it has a funky spot and I get freaked out. Cutting strawberries takes me more time than the average person, as I use the smallest knife to cut off all the weird spots. They would rot, I mean, be consumed by fungi in the fridge anyway. I would have to think this over.

Processed Food - 100%

Homemade Food - 0%

I would rather not speak on this one. I already feel the tinge of embarrassment from the Healthy Food Plate, let me enjoy my Polar Covalent Bonded Beverage that comes with amazing properties of cohesion, capillarity, adhesion, and more, and my packaged food in the shape of a rectangular prism (encased in foil, of course).

Paragraph 3: Discuss your exercise habits, looking back at your 2-week log. Do you think you are getting enough exercise for what you are eating? Are you getting at least 30 minutes in a day? What areas are you working to improve with your daily exercise?

There is nil. Nada. Pandora's box is as confusing as this question, as enigmatic as the mere concept of me getting proper exercise.

I used to do track and field, but there are a plethora of factors keeping me from getting back into it. I do not think I even eat enough to consider exercising as something that is necessary. I know it has benefits, but I never got them anyway - the curse of anemia. Instead of a runner’s high I collapse immediately. I have passed out in the shower before because it was too hot! This barrier of entry is tough. I did, however, manage to get through a few years of high school track and field while getting really close to the sports-med people and always being covered in tape.

Actually, last year I got an elliptical machine for my house. (edit: totally not for ulterior motives !!!) Going to the gym gives me anxiety, so I saved up for the gym at home. Where it can be nice and cool, and where I can pick the show to watch instead of watching some gym employee scrolling through the same five channels. The issue is time, mostly. There is no time. And 30 minutes isn't too long, but I prioritized having at least some personal time over exercise this year.

Paragraph 4: What did you learn about your own diet and exercise by doing this project?

Nothing newfound or particularly exciting, really. I already track everything I eat, measuring things with a food scale if I have to too. This was a normal thing I already did that turned into a project. Well, besides using MFP. My account got hacked in 2018, so I use a different app now.

I also learned that the Healthy Food Plate is probably disappointed in me. I pretty much only eat the same handful of foods on rotation for a long while until I get sick of them.

Paragraph 5: Conclusion

All in all, my case presents pretty unique, doesn’t it? I am not trying to be a snowflake, really. I was too anxious to even inquire about an alternative project; my constant passive nature and glass ego got the best of me. I already know what I have to improve on, and so does my dietitian. I may not be the pinnacle of health here, and I may be suffering from forces as severe as a hurricane in my brain every passing day. Sure, this makes it difficult to have healthy relationships with not only food, but other things as well, but it means something if I'm still here, I guess. However, I can say that I drink plenty of water, and most people have a hard time even doing just that. I love the stuff. I mean, I should, since I am about 70% of it. I can also say that being aware of dietary choices at a young age could set someone up for better health and longevity in the long run. That just makes sense.

It also makes sense if the person reading this has gotten slightly frustrated with the length and lack of conciseness of this project; I do recall that there’s a lot going on on your end, and grading is probably a pain.

CARBOHYDRATES:

What percentage of your diet should come from Carbohydrates?


45-65%

What is the difference between simple carbohydrates and complex Carbohydrates?

Simple carbs = mono-, di-, oligo- saccharides; complex carbs = polysaccharides

Simple carbohydrates are “the bad guys”, the fructose, glucose, bread, candy type of carbohydrates, and complex carbohydrates are “the good guys”, found in whole and unprocessed foods like fruits and vegetables, whole grain oats, and beans, among other sources. Fibers and starches are complex carbohydrates.

I prepare for a triathlon. The night before the event, which should I consume; simple or complex carbohydrates? Why?

Complex carbohydrates; they take longer to be broken down in the body and fill up glycogen stores for the body to use later on, in this case the next morning.

During the event, what should I consume; Simple or complex carbohydrates? Why?

During the event, simple carbohydrates (and electrolytes, I learned when on the track team) are going to help the body have an immediate energy source to replenish itself quickly.

What role and functions do Nutrient Dense Carbohydrates play in the body?

Nutrient dense carbohydrates provide the body with a good amount of nutrients as well as complex carbohydrates, essentially giving the body energy and things required to process that energy at the same time.

What Nutrient Dense Carbohydrates (carb-based foods that also give lots of nutrients) do you find that you consume frequently?

I do eat some prepackaged heart of palm rice, which is a vegetable that has low net carbs and a lot of fiber. I’m not sure if this qualifies, but the canned soups I eat (Amy’s Lentil Vegetable Soup in particular) contain vegetables such as beans, tomatoes, and carrots.

What Nutrient Empty Carbohydrates do if you consume frequently? These are the carb-based empty calories, ie. beer or hostess snacks

Most of the food I eat has a low net carb count, or is more focused on protein. Even my favorite candy (Lily’s Sugar free Gummy Worms) is mostly fiber, and microwave popcorn is a whole grain, high carb snack, but it also has nutrients like fiber. I eat a lot of Jello, but it is sugar free and has 0g carbs. Not sure if any fit here; if it is a sweet food I will get the sugar-free version (yay for sugar alcohols), and if it’s a salty food I probably avoid it.

What are Simple Carbohydrates and name several disadvantages of eating a diet rich in simple carbs?

Monosaccharides:
  • Glucose
  • Fructose
  • Galactose
Disaccharides:
  • Sucrose
  • Lactose
  • Maltose
Eating a diet rich in simple carbs would make you fatigued constantly, since the body would only depend on the available energy provided by food. To not be constantly fatigued, you’d have to consume a lot of these foods… a lot. They can cause obesity and heart disease, along with diabetes. Diabetes affects how you process energy because the body’s insulin response gets too overwhelmed to deal with the amount of simple sugars in the body, causing high blood sugar.

Name specific Simple Carbs that you should avoid or eat in moderation.

The added sugars to processed foods are ones that should be avoided or moderated. They include:
  • High-fructose corn syrup: the stuff in sodas, candies, and other sweets that contribute empty calories and spike blood sugar.
  • Brown sugar or raw sugar: high amounts of these added to baked goods and other sweet items can do the same. Cakes, cookies, etc. These ones are usually marketed as being “raw” and “natural”, which attempt to target the “health-focused” group. Ironic.
Name specific sources of Complex Carbs that could be found in your diet.

I eat a lot of foods high in fiber and low in net carbs such as:
  • Fiber One Brownies
  • Quest Protein bars
  • Lilys’ Sugar Free Sour Gummy Worms
  • Heart of Palm (riced): a vegetable with only 2g net carbs for one serving, hiding behind loads of fiber and nutrients

FATS: (edit: omg a whole section about me !! /j)

What roles and functions do fat play in the body?

Fats constitute an important part of cellular structure by creating the phospholipid bilayer that makes up the cell membrane!!! Not only are fats essential on the cellular level, they are also functionally important…. on the cellular level. Stored fat from extra calorie intake can be used as energy when the body has run out of immediate power; e.g. the burger that was eaten for lunch has been used up. This is also how weight loss works: to lose the fat stored in the body one has to burn more calories than they eat.

Fats are also important for proper absorption of nutrients. Some vitamins are fat soluble, meaning that without fat acting as a transporter (is this the proper term?), the vitamins will be rendered useless in the body and be processed like it never existed. There are water soluble and fat soluble vitamins, the fat soluble ones being: A, E, K, and D. They are stored in the fat within the body until they need to be processed for use. Vitamin D gets synthesized by sunlight exposure to the skin, for example.

Eating unsaturated fats can also help lower bad cholesterol levels.

What percentage of your diet should come from fat? _____unsaturated fat? _ and saturated fat?_ What type of fat should we avoid and is considered the most unhealthy? ___

About 25-35% of your diet should come from fat; only 5-10% of it should be saturated fat (fat that can stay solid at room temperature), while the rest can be unsaturated fats (fats that are liquid at room temperature), such as monounsaturated or polyunsaturated fats. The fat to avoid: Trans fat.

Name 6 examples of Saturated Fat?

Butter, lard, coconut oil, palm oil, dairy products such as ice cream and cheese, and fatty meats.

Name 6 Examples of Unsaturated Fat?

Olive, canola, and vegetable oil, nuts, seeds, salmon, and avocado.

Name Specific examples of fats that you should avoid or eat in moderation?

My consumption of saturated fats is on the higher end. I tend to only eat pre-packaged foods, because I know what's in them (mostly, I believe companies are allowed to be off by ~20% with nutrition labels) compared to eating a home cooked meal from someone else. The drawback is that packaged foods often have higher saturated fat content for longer shelf life and better flavoring.

This package label, for example, belongs to one of the foods I eat all the time. Almost daily when I can find it in stock, actually.



I underlined the ingredient (hopefully the only one, I think) that would be considered saturated fat (palm oil). There might only be 1.5g of it, but most of the food I eat is packaged and processed, so most of my fat consumption comes from saturated fats. (edit: i review'd this its the strawberry legendary tasty pastry lmao)


Eating disorders often focus on fat consumption.

Define the following in terms of eating disorders:

Anorexia:

edit: i meant dsm 5 and omg roman numerals oops

This is something I can define without needing to cite any source but my own brain, but I will cite some anyway, for added “logos”. The clinical definition of anorexia nervosa is characterized by:

  • Lack of appetite or constant attempts to reduce appetite
  • Obsession with weight, measurements, and appearance
  • Intentional reduced intake of food, avoidance of food due to fear of weight gain
  • Noticeable weight loss: the DSM-IV lists several BMI categories:
    • (taken from the DSM-IV)
  • Dysmorphic attitude towards the body, even at clinically low weights
I personally dislike this definition. There are several subtypes of anorexia nervosa, and one that is called “atypical anorexia” is the same disorder symptomatically, minus the BMI category requirement. This can be incredibly invalidating and make those suffering at any size only feel motivated to get worse. As a mental disorder, I don’t think a physical requirement should be necessary to get the diagnosis, and it creates competition among an already competitive group of individuals. Even people with “failed” attempts of getting to the results of this disorder need help, as their thinking has already proven that they have an unhealthy relationship with food.

There are two habitual subtypes of anorexia: (edit: i would bettttt that theres more. like way more.)
  • AN-BP (binge-purge): the patient goes through periods of all the symptoms listed above, but will engage in binge-eating (the uncontrollable, impulsive urge to eat copious amounts of food in one or more sittings), followed by purging (getting rid of the food by throwing up, using laxatives, fasting, or excessively working out).
  • AN-R (restrictive): the patient does not partake in any of the binge-purge habits
Not in the DSM-IV is Orthorexia, a type of anorexia that mainly focuses on eating as “clean” as possible. This subtype would definitely focus on fat intake while navigating their diet. I’ve been through many forums and talked to people in hospitals so I know this much is true: everyone experiences anorexia differently. Some people eat a few candy bars and call it a day, and others are crafting the most palatable oil-free, gluten free, butter free, dairy free, sugar free meal they can while using volume eating to make the meal seem large but keep the calories small. There exists a stigma of anorexics: skinny, only eats fruit, drinks coffee, etc. This simply isn’t true, and many people in this group do eat food. It May be via binge eating, or maybe by not cutting their intake as low as possible, but getting nutrients is getting nutrients when it can be difficult to even think about doing so in the first place.

To me, this disorder is hell.

Lose a bunch of weight still feel inadequate, overeat out of emotional challenge, feel distraught by the perceived corpulence of the soon-to-be corpse, binge again, feel worse, lose more weight, get hooked up to tubes, put in a place that makes you feel crazier than before, leave traumatized and start all over again.

Not only does the vicious cycle of the “food circle of hell” perpetually haunt me and my thoughts, it affects every aspect of my life. For example:

Friends want to go out to eat? What should I do?
  1. Eat nothing until then
  2. Make up an excuse
I had to leave the University (of redacted west coast state and large city even if its like famous lol) because I was in the hospital for a lot of it. These disorders are serious and awful, isolating, and life-threatening. This project could make people see the dangers of eating too little; how malnutrition (even through unaware habits) can affect a person. If it matters, yes, I am doing better; after a year and a half of being a ghost I am going to college again, meeting new people, and finding joys in things. I got ice cream with some people from this class the other day. Things are good. (edit: this kinda spiralled me into a massive month long binge n i have been absolutely destroyed bc of it)

Bulimia:

Bulimia Nervosa is classified as:
  • Partaking in sessions of binge eating
  • Repeated attempts to get rid of the contents consumed in the session (edit: yall, get ur electrolytes in)
  • Body image greatly influences the above two points
I already defined the terms here in “anorexia - binge-purge subtype”, and bulimia is very similar to that, without the pervasive anorexia criteria symptoms. One thing I did not do is specify the amount of food in a binge session, which is clinically defined as the lack of control in a 2hr window, according to the DSM-IV, over food portions larger than what most people would eat in that same timeframe. There is also a tendency to eat foods one normally would not eat, as the impulse is driving the individual strongly.

PROTEINS:

What role and function does Protein play in your body?


Proteins, my favorite nutrient, are made of amino acids. They have many functions:
  • Muscle repair and maintenance
  • Enzyme function (enzymes are catalysts that speed up reactions, and I did this last week in my lab class using catalase!)
    • The lactase enzyme (I do not have this) digests milk, which contains lactose. Without the lactase enzyme, people are lactose intolerant and have trouble digesting milk. I will not elaborate on this “trouble”.
  • Steroids and hormone production
  • Provides energy when sources run out (source: we discussed sore muscles and lactic acid formation in class)
  • Benefits cosmetic appearance; collagen is a protein that is a large part of skin and bone structure, (source: my mom takes collagen powder) and the keratin protein is a large part of nail and hair structure (source: I use keratin shampoo).
  • Transports things like nutrients (source: that video we saw in class of the little guy dragging a vesicle in a cell)
Name 10 examples of protein rich foods?

Greek yogurt, cheese, meats, fish, protein supplement drinks, protein powders, and protein bars, (things I eat a lot), nuts, eggs, beans, milk, and soy.

Based on your activity level and weight, how many grams of protein do you need a day?

Using this formula for recommended protein intake (for a sedentary person, because I do not work out) from Mayo Clinic: (0.8g protein)(kg body weight) = (0.8g)(redacted) = redacted protein per day.


Bibliography

Admin. “Carbohydrates - Classification & Examples of Carbohydrates.” BYJUS, BYJU'S, 14 Jan. 2021, Carbohydrates - Classification & Examples of Carbohydrates.

Amanda. “What to Eat before a Race: Best Carbs for Performance and Digestion.” RunToTheFinish, 20 Sept. 2022, What to Eat Before a Race: Best Carbs for Performance and Digestion.

Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders: DSM-IV. American Psychiatric Assoc., 2000.

Dolson, Laura. “The Macronutrients Your Body Needs Most.” Verywell Fit, Verywell Fit, 27 Sept. 2022, https://www.verywellfit.com/macronutrients-2242006#toc-how-to-balance-macronutrients.

Dutchen, Stephanie. “What Do Fats Do in the Body?” National Institute of General Medical Sciences, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, 15 Dec. 2010, National Institute of General Medical Sciences.

Fischer, Maria. Gainful, Gainful.

Hussar, April Daniels. “How to Decode the Ingredient List on Packaged Foods.” SELF, SELF, 9 Sept. 2011, How to Decode the Ingredient List on Packaged Foods.

Kristi Wempen, R.D.N. “Are You Getting Too Much Protein?” Mayo Clinic Health System, Mayo Clinic Health System, 29 Apr. 2022, Are you getting too much protein?.

Mayo Clinic Staff. “Choose Your Carbs Wisely.” Mayo Clinic, Mayo Foundation for Medical Education and Research, 22 Mar. 2022, Choose your carbs wisely.

Reddy, Priya, and Ishwarlal Jialal. “Biochemistry, Fat Soluble Vitamins.” National Library of Medicine, 20 Sept. 2021, Biochemistry, Fat Soluble Vitamins - StatPearls - NCBI Bookshelf.

Rush, Tom. “15 Healthy High-Carb Foods.” Medical News Today, MediLexicon International, 15 healthy high-carb foods.

“Types of Fat.” The Nutrition Source, Harvard School of Public Health, 24 July 2018, Types of Fat.

Walle, Gavin Van De. “Simple Sugars (Simple Carbs): Definition, Lists, and Risks.” Healthline, Healthline Media, 7 Jan. 2019, Simple Sugars (Simple Carbs): Definition, Lists, and Risks
 
Discussion starter · #26 ·
im thinking about like. flaws. like acne. like having it as an adult. like,


i spend countless hours in front of the mirror.

stuck, staring, disassociated, barely even breathing, jaw clenched. i am picking at my face.

i try to not do this too often, as executing such behavior would write me another checkmark in the dsm, not to mention the time it takes away from doing literally anything else. you know what i could be doing? maybe some skincare research, maybe putting on a face mask, maybe using some of the products i buy and never use. maybe i could ignore the impulse and get on with studying, homework, being productive, maybe i can stop adding more scars to dement my already demented brain when it sees more flaws.

so, i tried to think about it differently. face-wise, at least.

body image is an issue. i say this with certainty, as a statement, because i'm sure many people here have the same qualms as i do. i was not blessed with nice skin. i will talk about it more in detail.... later. my face, however, is horrid. its textured, endowed with tiny bumps in every pore. i try to squeeze out some and they return the next day. okay!

my skin scars so easily too, and the amount of black spots on my face make me wish i could wear a mask every day. (i actually used to in school before the big transmission happened, out of insecurity.)

it sucks me in, each spot like a black hole, making my fingers want to peel my entire dermal layer off by body. the acne burns bright red against medium skin, and i cant help but pick at it, knowing that i’m making it worse.

the thing about people who “let the intrusive thoughts win” is that they don’t get the difference between


compulse, impulse, intrusive


sure. was it impulsive to dye your hair at 2 am? yes. have i done that? yeah, two days ago in fact. its red. like auburn. like ginger but we don’t have to talk about that. the point here is that intrusive thoughts tend to accompany disorders, and i got stuck with different facets of obsessive-compulsive disorder. its not so much “intrusive” as much as there is genuine fear i hold in my mind if i don’t !!! do !!! this thing !!!

then i do the thing.

does it make me feel better? no. honestly, doing any ocd thing makes me feel worse. grotesque, even. is it rational to be obsessed with things being smooth? no. is my face covered in scars from spending hours upon hour in the bathroom making myself bleed to no satisfactory avail? yes. is it hard having dermatillomania? yeah. i would love to take back those hours and put them towards bonding with friends, family, improving myself, studying, doing hobbies, you name it.

but alas,

its hard, and embarrassing, yet common enough for me to have seen it in other people. “its too embarrassing for me to get it looked at, though.” is the general consensus of many ocd spectrum activities. if i told my psych that i used to pace around the living room at 1:10 am as a child in fear that if i don’t, someone would break in and murder everyone, would they think i’m nuts? i know the answer is no, but honestly, the fear is still there.

point of this is to say that maybe its time to stop, but since ocd is a structural disorder, there really is no cure. nobody can just alter someones brain structure enough to fix something, even if you build connections and increase the amount of (color) matter needed to alleviate some of the symptoms. alzheimer's patients are encouraged to learn new things, but even the new connections only help for a little bit.

for my face, at least, i had an idea. what if i thought about acne as a positive thing? catch myself in the midst of an episode, try to come back to planet earth when i’m zoned out in the throws of my brain on autopilot saying “smoothsmoothsmoothsmooth whyisitnot smoothandperfect???”

so i’m here to argue to myself about acne. sure, mine is weird. but i am twenty one. and guess what?

people usually think acne is a teenage thing, and not an adult thing. so point number one, it makes people look younger. the skin is all shiny and oily, there’s a tightness to it, it feels so…. pubescent. honestly i was under the impression that post puberty would lead to my final escape from this facial hell, but it did not. and i should appreciate that i still get mistaken as a teen when buying stuff with a card or meeting new people at uni.

point number two is a bit hard to look at, but the scars. with my skin being literally pelted in them, it almost looks like i just have tons of freckles. yeah, i do want the smooth glass skin, and being half asian doesn’t help when i see all these beauty standards and perfect looking people from that culture. but hey, freckles aren’t bad, and i find them cute when they’re natural, so why cant they be cute when they’re just tiny little scars? they go away slowly over time anyway, like stars that burn out over millions of years. there's a galaxy on my face.

another point is that i should honestly be grateful about how oily my skin is. even though makeup is a nuisance for me and will always be on this skin type, it tends to keep people younger looking in the long term. and i should calm down and think about using some of the products i’ve been holding onto for years next time i go into a frenzy.

but for now, something about trying to live with it sounds perfectly, yet imperfectly adequate.
 
Discussion starter · #27 ·
idk what this one is but

i've never felt like i could label myself as a "good person".

am i actively being a piece of shit on purpose, to wreck havoc onto my boring little world?

not really.

my ed definitely exacerbates how much of a piece of shit i am, im afraid. i've always been the kind of person to never really expose my true morals, them being more in a grey area than pure white. i know what's considered to be mostly good, so i'll pretend to go along with that side to appease and appear normal to others.

now i'm not going to say that i'm blatantly fatphobic or skinnyphobic, because my ed makes judgement only onto myself really. i don't care about other's looks unless they're in certain positions. say, a chef making my meal should look tidy as opposed to being extremely unkempt and a health hazard personified.

however, there are a plethora of intrusive thoughts brought forth by my fucked ed talking up space in the brain attic. especially when it comes to my job.

working in food makes me feel so... split. on one hand, if a customer comes in to get a large shake, i'll probably judge them, appearance and all, and feel a slight power trip since im giving people calories. on the other hand, i'm practically oozing jealousy, no matter what they look like, because i'll never be able to enjoy a large shake or a sundae without feeling immense guilt over it later on. they usually look happier than me anyway, i am in no place to think these things.

still, i can't help but have those thoughts about others, ones i won't openly share because i know it would be wrong to. i just know other people have these unspoken thoughts, and they should remain unspoken upon remembering that everyone subjected to them are still human, with their own thoughts and feelings.

it's the worst when it comes to children though, especially since i lust after the idea of being a child again, since i grew up too quickly. being so small and fragile is another thing i just envy incredibly, feeling helpless and cared for, alive with youth and hope for the world.

(apologies to any children i've just literally stared at. i'm not creepy, i promise! just envious of your legs most likely. yikes. i really wish i appreciated my scrawny self more back then)

that kind of thinking is so disgusting. why do i want to look like i'm 10?

the judgemental side of me is honestly quite nonsensical, since i'll observe other's food choices and amounts. i feel a slight sense of superiority when my mom or my skinny friend eats more cals than me. i cannot help but tally their numbers, guesstimating values in my head.

nevertheless, i know that slight sense of superiority means jack shit when i'm still larger in size compared to many of them.

not only do the random intrusive thoughts run rampant, but starving doesn't exactly make someone a nice person. in fact, the sheer irritability that comes with being malnourished has hurt so many people, intentionally or not. i see it from an outsider's perspective; whenever my family diets they get grouchy and irritated, only motivated to continue from the giddiness equivalent to opening a christmas present.... that comes from seeing a smaller number in the morning.

i broke down recently, when my dad told me that im "hard to talk to". my mom will sometimes not reply to something i say to her face, and apparently its for the same reason. there's so much that goes into this, like my abusive upbringing, ptsd breakdowns, adhd "can't think before speaking"; nevertheless it makes me feel incredibly ostracized. it's hard for me to keep long term friendships, relationships, anything, and it's not like i'm oblivious to the fact. my parents notice when i hang out with 15 different people in the span of five months.

it sucks. i feel almost subhuman this way. i did not dive into the master-list of wrongdoings i have committed, but it's so isolating feeling like a pathetic excuse for a person. to be honest, i love genuine connection and getting to know others, but that's a steep hill to climb when you're "hard to talk to" i suppose.

loneliness is near equivalent to suicide. it can drive people mad, drive them to do what they can to escape the relentless feeling of being like the lone grass that grows in a crack within the concrete.

i have unstable attachment. unsurprisingly. i will freak out if someone even thinks about leaving me, but honestly i've acquainted myself with the phrase "everyone leaves me in the end." its not false, ive pretty much gone through a rotating cast of friends, unsure why they pay no attention to me. even when i left them first, nobody tried contacting me again.

perhaps im just tone deaf or something, unaware from always being disassociated, too oblivious to know that im doing the wrong things. sometimes i feel it on here too. the members who are "too cool" to look at my posts, or interact back if i say something, the fear of saying something and having everyone hate me for it, whatnot. i have no idea how anyone on this site perceives me from the text i've spewed out of my stupid brain.

i'll try not to think about it too hard as i keep waxing poetic (albeit shittily), because i do love being here. makes me feel a bit less alone, and a bit less like a piece of shit.
 
Discussion starter · #28 ·
random rant bc

god. i hate being so fucking nervous for literally the most basic things that people do all the time. its the first day of spring semester, im sitting in class right now and i havent talked to anyone at all. like, i guess that might be attributed to my self conscious, nervous, disassociated demeanor at the moment, but i find it difficult to do anything but shut down when i feel like this. my old partner walked in with a friend and didnt say hi, i had no real opportunity to have a conversation with anyone, and the person who sat next to me (my new partner, as it works in labs) is someone... i hate to say it but i don't think we would get along too well. there's nothing wrong with them, he just seems more antisocial and awkward until you mention computers to him, which isn't really my thing. all he talked about today to the class was it and nasa programs he went to, but he's otherwise socially.... unsocialed. there's another kid like him in class and i have no idea why they didn't partner up since they talked 😭 idk. is this mean? i just want to be able to like..... make a friend idk

the only person i talked to was my professor after class because we talked a lot last semester 🥲 but i don't know, i just felt inadequate and ghost-like all over again. i shut down so fast after i felt like that, especially since i was so anxious coming to this class in the first place

unfortunately its the last day of my diet (accountability link) and honestly ive been not eating much on it because i dont think i lost anything. my period is late so im really not sure if the lack of progress is from the bloat being there STILL? or if its something else... anyway im fucking tired i was hoping to have at leaaaat a nice first day back after such a bleak and isolating winter break, but now im eating candy bags from the vending machine in the car like an idiot. so much for "lets not binge at the end of this" and etc etc

i'm just fat and lonely i guess and the only reason i'm writing this is because my bf is tired of being the only person hearing about my bullshit. apparently he was upset because we hadnt talked in a bit (my fault for isolating) and was harsher, but he asked for at least some positive thoughts from my end and i really have none atm and i feel like a whole failure. maybe im just weak and have no self control or something. idk anymore

it gets harder to want to exist anymore every day, i'm tired of not feeling alive
 
Discussion starter · #30 · (Edited)
recently my mind has been toying around with repetitive thought, wandering to the same wonder over and over.

this website has been serving as a placement, a replacement, for having friends, people to talk to, a place to air my thoughts while feeling good about the occasional reaction or view count update.

as unique and borderline parasocial as forums are, i keep wasting minutes and hours among words from people from around corners of the planet i would never dream of going to. unfortunately some being has bestowed the curse of abandonment upon me, and the current era i saw through rosy lenses has crumbled to fall into the same depreciating cycle.

pity bestowed upon myself from myself is useless. i acknowledge some of this being my own fault, withdrawing when my brain perceives something wrong despite it being false, or forgetting to keep connections when im feeling overwhelmed are both my own doing. i'm a wanderer, nomadic, disappearing and resurfacing at any given moment for any given time span. i hate myself for it.

trying hard to connect early on just lead to learning the definition of alien, as i was improperly socialized; lonely and with abusive influences. it took trial and error, yet all i could do in the end to appear not so strange was to capitalize on it. make jokes, humor, shock people with anything, something. then they take interest. this interest was lost on me, a slightly taller child playing some kind of performance will never fill the hole that longs for the validation of being seen.

seen, looked at, glanced at, liked, loved,

all words that are similar to each other, no? the nuances are made more profound when finding friends as i, people who love the weird and bizarre you brought to them but refrain from sending an invite to do anything outside of the usual environment. how many birthdays i missed, hearing my friends talk about it while i had to cower and wonder why the whole group went except for me. being known and popularized in a large high school full of people who wouldn't blink an eye at me if i wanted more meaningful interaction than a "hey, let's get stoned in the city"

the pattern continues, as i built a shell to keep people out and from hurting me. losing everyone i thought felt as mutually connected as i, even for a brief second, was my personal agony.

i am daft to have taken a hammer to it

everyone will leave me in the end


the memories i cling onto which only exist between me and the other party, will be forgotten to time as soon as we perish.

memories which i opened myself up for, which lessened the influence of my manipulation and need for façades to keep people around, memories i ended up genuinely caring for out of finally feeling seen as human for the first time.

memory is a precious thing and so is time, which i tend to waste before getting to the point of anything i choose to write.

old users, unregistered users, guest profiles. where are they? sometimes i'm up late, filling through threads after thread in order to solve some dilemma i have acquired. instead of finding answers, i only grow melancholy thinking about them.

last seen: 2015

"woo! another pound! lets do this"


where are they now? what memories of the site did they have? the nostalgia that i do not even possess keeps brewing as i look at old memories, old users, old conversations. seeing some end tragically makes me wonder how many inactive members on this site are long gone from their lives, the only thing left behind for me to see being their cries for help and camaraderie amongst others similar. who was here for fun and got bored? who simply forgot all the small interactions that helped them through the years? the little connections made that are mostly minute yet can be some of the most comforting interactions; isolation from hiding a variety of brain sick is suddenly gone upon chatting with others alike yourself.

i just wonder where people go, where they are, what they felt or thought. it might not be important to others, as everyone's lives are universes containing multitudes of planets to keep in orbit. i, however, wonder what it was like, feeling the expansion of inner worlds, feeling the collision of microcosms connecting and making something new before dying out like a star. i wonder, because i have yet to have any collisions to change, i want to feel vicariously through another what it might feel like to truly be a person with other people
 
recently my mind has been toying around with repetitive thought, wandering to the same wonder over and over.

this website has been serving as a placement, a replacement, for having friends, people to talk to, a place to air my thoughts while feeling good about the occasional reaction or view count update.

as unique and borderline parasocial as forums are, i keep wasting minutes and hours among words from people from around corners of the planet i would never dream of going to. unfortunately some being has bestowed the curse of abandonment upon me, and the current era i saw through rosy lenses has crumbled to fall into the same depreciating cycle.

pity bestowed upon myself from myself is useless. i acknowledge some of this being my own fault, withdrawing when my brain perceives something wrong despite it being false, or forgetting to keep connections when im feeling overwhelmed are both my own doing. i'm a wanderer, nomadic, disappearing and resurfacing at any given moment for any given time span. i hate myself for it.

trying hard to connect early on just lead to learning the definition of alien, as i was improperly socialized; lonely and with abusive influences. it took trial and error, yet all i could do in the end to appear not so strange was to capitalize on it. make jokes, humor, shock people with anything, something. then they take interest. this interest was lost on me, a slightly taller child playing some kind of performance will never fill the hole that longs for the validation of being seen.

seen, looked at, glanced at, liked, loved,

all words that are similar to each other, no? the nuances are made more profound when finding friends as i, people who love the weird and bizarre you brought to them but refrain from sending an invite to do anything outside of the usual environment. how many birthdays i missed, hearing my friends talk about it while i had to cower and wonder why the whole group went except for me. being known and popularized in a large high school full of people who wouldn't blink an eye at me if i wanted more meaningful interaction than a "hey, let's get stoned in the city"

the pattern continues, as i built a shell to keep people out and from hurting me. losing everyone i thought felt as mutually connected as i, even for a brief second, was my personal agony.

i am daft to have taken a hammer to it

everyone will leave me in the end


the memories i cling onto which only exist between me and the other party, will be forgotten to time as soon as we perish.

memories which i opened myself up for, which lessened the influence of my manipulation and need for façades to keep people around, memories i ended up genuinely caring for out of finally feeling seen as human for the first time.
memory is a precious thing and so is time, which i tend to waste before getting to the point of anything i choose to write.
old users, unregistered users, guest profiles. where are they? sometimes i'm up late, filling through threads after thread in order to solve some dilemma i have acquired. instead of finding answers, i only grow melancholy thinking about them.

last seen: 2015

"woo! another pound! lets do this"


where are they now? what memories of the site did they have? the nostalgia that i do not even possess keeps brewing as i look at old memories, old users, old conversations. seeing some end tragically makes me wonder how many inactive members on this site are long gone from their lives, the only thing left behind for me to see being their cries for help and camaraderie amongst others similar. who was here for fun and got bored? who simply forgot all the small interactions that helped them through the years? the little connections made that are mostly minute yet can be some of the most comforting interactions; isolation from hiding a variety of brain sick is suddenly gone upon chatting with others alike yourself.

i just wonder where people go, where they are, what they felt or thought. it might not be important to others, as everyone's lives are universes containing multitudes of planets to keep in orbit. i, however, wonder what it was like, feeling the expansion of inner worlds, feeling the collision of microcosms connecting and making something new before dying out like a star. i wonder, because i have yet to have any collisions to change, i want to feel vicariously through another what it might feel like to truly be a person with other people
I've never read anything this relatable in my entire life... Woah. Sending you love <3
 
Discussion starter · #32 ·
I've never read anything this relatable in my entire life... Woah. Sending you love <3
aww no ): sucks to hear people relating to like, ANYTHING i say or do lol because i know its such a suffer. sending some <3 back your way, thanks a bunch for reading
 
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