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the shitshow

4K views 31 replies 14 participants last post by  cleoleo 
#1 ·
hi wow omg

so i've been lurking around this site for awhile now and after deciding to post a bit and interact with some of the people here, i've decided that i like it here more than tumblr lmao soooooooo why not start a blog?

i have tons of thoughts that i can never express, ever. and like no friends that i can talk to either. so i will resort to the void that isn't the notes app or tumblr (bc i'm kinda tired of it there)

this will just be some kind of badly worded/poor use of grammar ramblings about my thoughts uh idek why i'm writing this first post like someone will see it but hey just in case ;)

i cannot believe it's another new year, but simultaneously i remain unfazed. at some point counting the years used to mean something. getting older, one more year until i get to graduate and move on, get a job, grow up.

after a while the construct of time just seems to fade into the background and mean nothing to me. i have nothing to look forward to this year, or anymore, in general.

on new year's eve i spent time looking at this site and found a thread about whats keeping people alive. it's not like i didn't already know it but i don't really have a reason to keep going. i just want to be pretty and vanish, and in a sense my ed is keeping me alive. even though i'm still here, the very thing keeping me alive has also taken away the feeling of it. i just exist, in limbo, waiting for time to pass and weeks to end so i can see my progress.

progress used to describe how i did in school, how i was doing in sports, relationships, and other things. but i've lost all of that.

my "best friend" is moving to her college dorm this week, and i was supposed to be there, but i dropped out because i have given up on trying to pretend like i care about being alive. not only that, but starving makes me reallllllly stupid lmao. i'm finding it hard to be happy for her, which is disheartening. even if i wasn't moving with her i should've helped.

she was honestly the person who convinced me to go to college and try, because in high school i wasted away and didn't care for a future in this life i didn't even want. she doesn't care about me anymore though, or maybe she never did and just knew i needed a real friend. maybe it was out of pity.

we've grown distant over the years, but its mostly me who has grown distant from feeling like a real person. i never wanted it to come to this but she honestly fuels my ed and makes me so pissed. she has everything i lack. talent, smarts, a future, friends, a nice loving family.... and of course she is very skinny. naturally. her whole family is.

i was thinking a while ago about how i've had so many friends that i lost because i'm bad at having stable relationships, but all of the ones i got sorta close with were all skinny. it drives me insane. maybe theres something in me that idolizes and associates skinny with success or something, because i always befriended people i thought were cool. maybe they don't have to worry about themselves so much that they are able to feel... feelings and pursue goals that i find no meaning in. they had time to hone skills and develop passions while i was busy looking up what apple cider vinegar would do if i took it in the morning as a 15 year old. they can live in the moment and enjoy what its like to feel alive. i spent so much time trying to come off as equally cool as them but lost myself behind faking a personality for so long.

sigh. its a new year and i'm trying to focus on fasting. thats the only thing keeping me going i guess, and i know it won't solve my problems if i'm suddenly emaciated one day. i hope it kills me. browsing that thread (about reasons to keep going) was kind of just me trying to find something i could relate to and i saw many people say their ed. cheers to that lmfao and congrats to me for setting up a blog :0

idk why the new year is making me feel xtra like this when idc about time... maybe its all of the reflecting people are doing making me reflect????? i swear to god im not this depressing idk whats gotten into me
 
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#2 ·
hi wow omg

so i've been lurking around this site for awhile now and after deciding to post a bit and interact with some of the people here, i've decided that i like it here more than tumblr lmao soooooooo why not start a blog?



i have tons of thoughts that i can never express, ever. and like no friends that i can talk to either. so i will resort to the void that isn't the notes app or tumblr (bc i'm kinda tired of it there)



this will just be some kind of badly worded/poor use of grammar ramblings about my thoughts uh idek why i'm writing this first post like someone will see it but hey just in case ;)



i cannot believe it's another new year, but simultaneously i remain unfazed. at some point counting the years used to mean something. getting older, one more year until i get to graduate and move on, get a job, grow up.



after a while the construct of time just seems to fade into the background and mean nothing to me. i have nothing to look forward to this year, or anymore, in general.



on new year's eve i spent time looking at this site and found a thread about whats keeping people alive. it's not like i didn't already know it but i don't really have a reason to keep going. i just want to be pretty and vanish, and in a sense my ed is keeping me alive. even though i'm still here, the very thing keeping me alive has also taken away the feeling of it. i just exist, in limbo, waiting for time to pass and weeks to end so i can see my progress.



progress used to describe how i did in school, how i was doing in sports, relationships, and other things. but i've lost all of that.



my "best friend" is moving to her college dorm this week, and i was supposed to be there, but i dropped out because i have given up on trying to pretend like i care about being alive. not only that, but starving makes me reallllllly stupid lmao. i'm finding it hard to be happy for her, which is disheartening. even if i wasn't moving with her i should've helped.



she was honestly the person who convinced me to go to college and try, because in high school i wasted away and didn't care for a future in this life i didn't even want. she doesn't care about me anymore though, or maybe she never did and just knew i needed a real friend. maybe it was out of pity.



we've grown distant over the years, but its mostly me who has grown distant from feeling like a real person. i never wanted it to come to this but she honestly fuels my ed and makes me so pissed. she has everything i lack. talent, smarts, a future, friends, a nice loving family.... and of course she is very skinny. naturally. her whole family is.



i was thinking a while ago about how i've had so many friends that i lost because i'm bad at having stable relationships, but all of the ones i got sorta close with were all skinny. it drives me insane. maybe theres something in me that idolizes and associates skinny with success or something, because i always befriended people i thought were cool. maybe they don't have to worry about themselves so much that they are able to feel... feelings and pursue goals that i find no meaning in. they had time to hone skills and develop passions while i was busy looking up what apple cider vinegar would do if i took it in the morning as a 15 year old. they can live in the moment and enjoy what its like to feel alive. i spent so much time trying to come off as equally cool as them but lost myself behind faking a personality for so long.



sigh. its a new year and i'm trying to focus on fasting. thats the only thing keeping me going i guess, and i know it won't solve my problems if i'm suddenly emaciated one day. i hope it kills me. browsing that thread (about reasons to keep going) was kind of just me trying to find something i could relate to and i saw many people say their ed. cheers to that lmfao and congrats to me for setting up a blog :0



idk why the new year is making me feel xtra like this when idc about time... maybe its all of the reflecting people are doing making me reflect????? i swear to god im not this depressing idk whats gotten into me
The void is always the best person to talk to.

I feel the exact same about time, just sitting and watching the days go by in some sort of nondescript blur. However, simultaneously I have a deep gutted fear of change and time passing. Those two concepts don't work well together, as I'm sure you can imagine lol.

Anyway,

Welcome to MPA! : ) I like your writing, and I hope your New Year is nothing but good to you!
 
#3 ·
hi wow omg

so i've been lurking around this site for awhile now and after deciding to post a bit and interact with some of the people here, i've decided that i like it here more than tumblr lmao soooooooo why not start a blog?



i have tons of thoughts that i can never express, ever. and like no friends that i can talk to either. so i will resort to the void that isn't the notes app or tumblr (bc i'm kinda tired of it there)



this will just be some kind of badly worded/poor use of grammar ramblings about my thoughts uh idek why i'm writing this first post like someone will see it but hey just in case ;)



i cannot believe it's another new year, but simultaneously i remain unfazed. at some point counting the years used to mean something. getting older, one more year until i get to graduate and move on, get a job, grow up.



after a while the construct of time just seems to fade into the background and mean nothing to me. i have nothing to look forward to this year, or anymore, in general.



on new year's eve i spent time looking at this site and found a thread about whats keeping people alive. it's not like i didn't already know it but i don't really have a reason to keep going. i just want to be pretty and vanish, and in a sense my ed is keeping me alive. even though i'm still here, the very thing keeping me alive has also taken away the feeling of it. i just exist, in limbo, waiting for time to pass and weeks to end so i can see my progress.



progress used to describe how i did in school, how i was doing in sports, relationships, and other things. but i've lost all of that.



my "best friend" is moving to her college dorm this week, and i was supposed to be there, but i dropped out because i have given up on trying to pretend like i care about being alive. not only that, but starving makes me reallllllly stupid lmao. i'm finding it hard to be happy for her, which is disheartening. even if i wasn't moving with her i should've helped.



she was honestly the person who convinced me to go to college and try, because in high school i wasted away and didn't care for a future in this life i didn't even want. she doesn't care about me anymore though, or maybe she never did and just knew i needed a real friend. maybe it was out of pity.



we've grown distant over the years, but its mostly me who has grown distant from feeling like a real person. i never wanted it to come to this but she honestly fuels my ed and makes me so pissed. she has everything i lack. talent, smarts, a future, friends, a nice loving family.... and of course she is very skinny. naturally. her whole family is.



i was thinking a while ago about how i've had so many friends that i lost because i'm bad at having stable relationships, but all of the ones i got sorta close with were all skinny. it drives me insane. maybe theres something in me that idolizes and associates skinny with success or something, because i always befriended people i thought were cool. maybe they don't have to worry about themselves so much that they are able to feel... feelings and pursue goals that i find no meaning in. they had time to hone skills and develop passions while i was busy looking up what apple cider vinegar would do if i took it in the morning as a 15 year old. they can live in the moment and enjoy what its like to feel alive. i spent so much time trying to come off as equally cool as them but lost myself behind faking a personality for so long.



sigh. its a new year and i'm trying to focus on fasting. thats the only thing keeping me going i guess, and i know it won't solve my problems if i'm suddenly emaciated one day. i hope it kills me. browsing that thread (about reasons to keep going) was kind of just me trying to find something i could relate to and i saw many people say their ed. cheers to that lmfao and congrats to me for setting up a blog :0



idk why the new year is making me feel xtra like this when idc about time... maybe its all of the reflecting people are doing making me reflect????? i swear to god im not this depressing idk whats gotten into me
I relate so much to a lot of this blog post, and I rly enjoyed reading it. I'm sorry you're feeling so down about this new year, though. I feel the exact same way, I hope it makes ya feel less alone, knowing you're not the only one.

anyways, welcome 2 MPA! :D
 
#4 ·
hi wow omg

so i've been lurking around this site for awhile now and after deciding to post a bit and interact with some of the people here, i've decided that i like it here more than tumblr lmao soooooooo why not start a blog?



i have tons of thoughts that i can never express, ever. and like no friends that i can talk to either. so i will resort to the void that isn't the notes app or tumblr (bc i'm kinda tired of it there)



this will just be some kind of badly worded/poor use of grammar ramblings about my thoughts uh idek why i'm writing this first post like someone will see it but hey just in case ;)



i cannot believe it's another new year, but simultaneously i remain unfazed. at some point counting the years used to mean something. getting older, one more year until i get to graduate and move on, get a job, grow up.



after a while the construct of time just seems to fade into the background and mean nothing to me. i have nothing to look forward to this year, or anymore, in general.



on new year's eve i spent time looking at this site and found a thread about whats keeping people alive. it's not like i didn't already know it but i don't really have a reason to keep going. i just want to be pretty and vanish, and in a sense my ed is keeping me alive. even though i'm still here, the very thing keeping me alive has also taken away the feeling of it. i just exist, in limbo, waiting for time to pass and weeks to end so i can see my progress.



progress used to describe how i did in school, how i was doing in sports, relationships, and other things. but i've lost all of that.



my "best friend" is moving to her college dorm this week, and i was supposed to be there, but i dropped out because i have given up on trying to pretend like i care about being alive. not only that, but starving makes me reallllllly stupid lmao. i'm finding it hard to be happy for her, which is disheartening. even if i wasn't moving with her i should've helped.



she was honestly the person who convinced me to go to college and try, because in high school i wasted away and didn't care for a future in this life i didn't even want. she doesn't care about me anymore though, or maybe she never did and just knew i needed a real friend. maybe it was out of pity.



we've grown distant over the years, but its mostly me who has grown distant from feeling like a real person. i never wanted it to come to this but she honestly fuels my ed and makes me so pissed. she has everything i lack. talent, smarts, a future, friends, a nice loving family.... and of course she is very skinny. naturally. her whole family is.



i was thinking a while ago about how i've had so many friends that i lost because i'm bad at having stable relationships, but all of the ones i got sorta close with were all skinny. it drives me insane. maybe theres something in me that idolizes and associates skinny with success or something, because i always befriended people i thought were cool. maybe they don't have to worry about themselves so much that they are able to feel... feelings and pursue goals that i find no meaning in. they had time to hone skills and develop passions while i was busy looking up what apple cider vinegar would do if i took it in the morning as a 15 year old. they can live in the moment and enjoy what its like to feel alive. i spent so much time trying to come off as equally cool as them but lost myself behind faking a personality for so long.



sigh. its a new year and i'm trying to focus on fasting. thats the only thing keeping me going i guess, and i know it won't solve my problems if i'm suddenly emaciated one day. i hope it kills me. browsing that thread (about reasons to keep going) was kind of just me trying to find something i could relate to and i saw many people say their ed. cheers to that lmfao and congrats to me for setting up a blog :0



idk why the new year is making me feel xtra like this when idc about time... maybe its all of the reflecting people are doing making me reflect????? i swear to god im not this depressing idk whats gotten into me
glad i stumbled across your blog, welcome to mpa! definitely way better than tumblr as much as i love that place lol
 
#5 · (Edited)
impulsivity (and post binge regret ofc)

it has been a while since i've done this.....

and i didn't even eat much during the holidays, so this must be my body's sick way of getting revenge for that???

there's a song with the lyrics


"does the body rule the mind or does the mind rule the body, i don't know"

i feel like this tends to resonate in these phases of my ed, especially when the urge to binge erupts. sometimes it's just my body feeling malnourished and i can stave off the feeling by sleeping or drinking tons of water, but mental hunger i feel like i have no control over. who am i kidding omg even during times in which my hunger is purely physical i can lose control and fall for the impulse. regardless, the outcome is always guilt and shame, regret, fear of gaining 100000 lbs, the usual.

speaking of quotes, i heard one on tv that went something like


"to deny our impulses is to deny the very thing that makes us human"

i'm not sure if indulging in the impulse to at an entire pizza is keeping me human, but ok. maybe disordered, but not necessarily human, and i'm sure the person who said it did not hold disordered eating to mind as they said it. as a person who uses 99% of their brainpower thinking about food calories calories food calories calories food starve starve starve food calories i can't help but make connections to my ed.

anyway, i did eat:


- an entire pizza, (920. cauliflower crust from costco bc it is delicious but i uh didn't really savor the flavor as i scarfed it down like a dog)
- ramen with fish (420)
- a pint of halo top (lemon cake, 300, very delicious. probably the only three foods i lost complete control over today)
- a protein bar because i got some from costco and wanted to see what they tasted like compared to my usual quest bars (190. same cals but not as good. smores quest bar supremacy)
- several pieces of candy that were 50 cals each ;-;

  • a quest bar at 1 am bc i couldn't sleep due to starving (190)
  • i do not want a total, thank youuuu very much but ofc its more than my normal of 500-800 a day


sometimes when i slip into a binge cycle it's just because it allows me to feel something other than "indescribable existential emptiness" (in quotes bc i don't wanna sound deep or anything lmao)

not to go overboard on the quotes today, but another comes to mind that describes the state of mind i get in when i feel especially impulsive

"i just want to feel alive,

i'd do anything to feel alive again"

or something like that, from a flashback scene in bojack horseman (it's been a while since i've thought of mla format and how to format titles so idk if italics is correct) where his grandmother drinks a lot at a party, tries to kiss someone, and after being turned down she forces her young daughter (bojack's mom) to drive them home and step on it, sacrificing their safety to feel a little wind in her hair. since she was alive in the 50s (?) the end result was her husband having her lobotomized, beginning the generational trauma that still looms over our titular character. god i love that show lol.


the feeling of fullness is disgusting to me most times, but it can be addictinggggg if you're used to feeling so nothing all the time. its either binge or sh for me when it comes to things like that now, because it hurts nobody but myself.

i've gotten several tickets from sneaking out to go drive in a manic haze, going nowhere in particular but driving fast down the highway, in tears, sometimes intoxicated. one of those times i ended up in a city near the sea (california has many of them) and almost drove off the cliffside. the only reason i didn't was the fact that i just got my car which happens to be a really nice convertible, so i wanted to spend more time in it. is this what people mean when they say it's the little things? i can't even find it in me to want to stay for my dog or parents or friend whom i talked about previously, but in that moment it was my new car that convinced me, and i honestly think the importance of a silly material object is quite low compared to animals or family or even if fake, friends.

the rest of that night went something like:


as the sound of the waves cascading over the rocks shook me into vitality, i became aware of my actions. not only aware, but overly so. the sunrise from the water's horizon cemented this, shining on me like a spotlight to shame me for simultaneously what i've done and what i didn't do. a human too cowardly to perform the correct action in order to achieve what they want the most in life: the cessation of living itself. the sun shone on me saying, "what a joke of a woman! unable to achieve a goal that was surely achievable twenty minutes ago."

the sun also observed as i drove home that morning, the indescribable shame and self pity that i felt after executing my pointless joyride.

but ultimately not myself ~


i fell asleep in the driveway and nobody even bothered to wake me up when they got home that day.

unfortunately the post binge life for me is to make pretty red marks on various places of my body, then proceed to either binge again the next day or start a long fast and ignore the bathroom scale for a while. this time i'll be wearing bandages and attempting a three day fast. pray for me because the longest i've gone is 54 hours like a phony.... i can't fast for shit, but anything other than slipping back into a seemingly endless binge/restrict cycle is better. and yes, i am aware that restricting or fasting after a binge might prompt me to have another one, but maybe the various pains on my body will remind me not to do that again. also i literally have trouble breathing and am SO hot right now, just sweating my ass off. heart just pounding for some reason. i assume my body isn't used to having to digest this much at once because it happens when i overeat.

(i'm the entire circus rn guys)

the worst part about this is knowing i probably ate a normal amount of food for a normal person who was feeling extra hungry that day, plus missing how i felt prior to going mentally blind and just devouring everything cooked in the kitchen. i felt kinda ✨skinni✨ for once at costco with my dad earlier wearing my old lulu leggings i "had to get because everyone else has them in high school" that were actually kinda loose on me today. but now that's ruined.

i hate to have another sorta depressing entry to my -', new blog ',- so here are some cal entries i found that made me laugh:

View attachment 1017997 View attachment 1017999 View attachment 1018001 View attachment 1018003 View attachment 1018005

i hope i attached these correctlyyyyy and i hope emojis show up because i saw someone ask about them in a thread saying they couldn't type emojis or see them but maybe it was on mobile? i can't remember oops. </3


ohhh the images are teeny on my macbook unless u click on em ok i see i see

my sorry ass is used to using trad social media apps i've never used a forum site ever so half the time idk if i'm posting correctly xd

sending <3 to u all, especially if u took the time to read this stupid slew of thoughts. i feel like all of us here need extra <3 even if we feel like we do not deserve it
 
#6 ·
impulsivity (and post binge regret ofc)

it has been a while since i've done this.....



and i didn't even eat much during the holidays, so this must be my body's sick way of getting revenge for that???



there's a song with the lyrics



"does the body rule the mind or does the mind rule the body, i don't know"



i feel like this tends to resonate in these phases of my ed, especially when the urge to binge erupts. sometimes it's just my body feeling malnourished and i can stave off the feeling by sleeping or drinking tons of water, but mental hunger i feel like i have no control over. who am i kidding omg even during times in which my hunger is purely physical i can lose control and fall for the impulse. regardless, the outcome is always guilt and shame, regret, fear of gaining 100000 lbs, the usual.



speaking of quotes, i heard one on tv that went something like



"to deny our impulses is to deny the very thing that makes us human"



i'm not sure if indulging in the impulse to at an entire pizza is keeping me human, but ok. maybe disordered, but not necessarily human, and i'm sure the person who said it did not hold disordered eating to mind as they said it. as a person who uses 99% of their brainpower thinking about food calories calories food calories calories food starve starve starve food calories i can't help but make connections to my ed.



anyway, i did eat:



- an entire pizza, (920. cauliflower crust from costco bc it is delicious but i uh didn't really savor the flavor as i scarfed it down like a dog)
- ramen with fish (420)
- a pint of halo top (lemon cake, 300, very delicious. probably the only three foods i lost complete control over today)
- a protein bar because i got some from costco and wanted to see what they tasted like compared to my usual quest bars (190. same cals but not as good. smores quest bar supremacy)
- several pieces of candy that were 50 cals each ;-;
- a quest bar at 1 am bc i couldn't sleep due to starving (190)
- i do not want a total, thank youuuu very much but ofc its more than my normal of 500-800 a day



sometimes when i slip into a binge cycle it's just because it allows me to feel something other than "indescribable existential emptiness" (in quotes bc i don't wanna sound deep or anything lmao)



not to go overboard on the quotes today, but another comes to mind that describes the state of mind i get in when i feel especially impulsive



"i just want to feel alive,



i'd do anything to feel alive again"



or something like that, from a flashback scene in bojack horseman (it's been a while since i've thought of mla format and how to format titles so idk if italics is correct) where his grandmother drinks a lot at a party, tries to kiss someone, and after being turned down she forces her young daughter (bojack's mom) to drive them home and step on it, sacrificing their safety to feel a little wind in her hair. since she was alive in the 50s (?) the end result was her husband having her lobotomized, beginning the generational trauma that still looms over our titular character. god i love that show lol.



the feeling of fullness is disgusting to me most times, but it can be addictinggggg if you're used to feeling so nothing all the time. its either binge or sh for me when it comes to things like that now, because it hurts nobody but myself.



i've gotten several tickets from sneaking out to go drive in a manic haze, going nowhere in particular but driving fast down the highway, in tears, sometimes intoxicated. one of those times i ended up in a city near the sea (california has many of them) and almost drove off the cliffside. the only reason i didn't was the fact that i just got my car which happens to be a really nice convertible, so i wanted to spend more time in it. is this what people mean when they say it's the little things? i can't even find it in me to want to stay for my dog or parents or friend whom i talked about previously, but in that moment it was my new car that convinced me, and i honestly think the importance of a silly material object is quite low compared to animals or family or even if fake, friends.



the rest of that night went something like:



as the sound of the waves cascading over the rocks shook me into vitality, i became aware of my actions. not only aware, but overly so. the sunrise from the water's horizon cemented this, shining on me like a spotlight to shame me for simultaneously what i've done and what i didn't do. a human too cowardly to perform the correct action in order to achieve what they want the most in life: the cessation of living itself. the sun shone on me saying, "what a joke of a woman! unable to achieve a goal that was surely achievable twenty minutes ago."



the sun also observed as i drove home that morning, the indescribable shame and self pity that i felt after executing my pointless joyride.



but ultimately not myself ~



i fell asleep in the driveway and nobody even bothered to wake me up when they got home that day.



unfortunately the post binge life for me is to make pretty red marks on various places of my body, then proceed to either binge again the next day or start a long fast and ignore the bathroom scale for a while. this time i'll be wearing bandages and attempting a three day fast. pray for me because the longest i've gone is 54 hours like a phony.... i can't fast for shit, but anything other than slipping back into a seemingly endless binge/restrict cycle is better. and yes, i am aware that restricting or fasting after a binge might prompt me to have another one, but maybe the various pains on my body will remind me not to do that again. also i literally have trouble breathing and am SO hot right now, just sweating my ass off. heart just pounding for some reason. i assume my body isn't used to having to digest this much at once because it happens when i overeat.



(i'm the entire circus rn guys)



the worst part about this is knowing i probably ate a normal amount of food for a normal person who was feeling extra hungry that day, plus missing how i felt prior to going mentally blind and just devouring everything cooked in the kitchen. i felt kinda ✨skinni✨ for once at costco with my dad earlier wearing my old lulu leggings i "had to get because everyone else has them in high school" that were actually kinda loose on me today. but now that's ruined.





i hate to have another sorta depressing entry to my -', new blog ',- so here are some cal entries i found that made me laugh:



View attachment 1017997 View attachment 1017999 View attachment 1018001 View attachment 1018003 View attachment 1018005



i hope i attached these correctlyyyyy and i hope emojis show up because i saw someone ask about them in a thread saying they couldn't type emojis or see them but maybe it was on mobile? i can't remember oops. </3



ohhh the images are teeny on my macbook unless u click on em ok i see i see



my sorry ass is used to using trad social media apps i've never used a forum site ever so half the time idk if i'm posting correctly xd



sending <3 to u all, especially if u took the time to read this stupid slew of thoughts. i feel like all of us here need extra <3 even if we feel like we do not deserve it
I absolutely loved reading this, and it is nice being able to relate to someone. I felt as if I wrote this up myself! It was very heart wrenching, and I'm sorry you have to go through this. If you ever need to talk, rant, whatever. I'm here for ya!

Xoxo
 
#7 ·
influences, all or nothing, and stories

did anyone else grow up around people who, in hindsight, have such a terrible relationship with food?

before i start talking nonsense i just want to thank u so much for reading these??? i wasn't expecting the void to observe me speaking into it. i appreciate so so much all the comments i've gotten <3 this community is incredibly sweet and i love you all omg,, knowing that some random shit i have to say is relatable or coaxes emotions out of people is so, aaaaaaaaaaaaaa !!! the only thing i've actually written before is like... bad fanfiction so the positive feedback is overwhelming haha. today i just have some stories to tell i guess.

the other day i told my mom i was stuffed after having an entire pint of ice cream in one sitting. this interaction led to her revealing how she tries so hard to eat small portions and save things for later. i thought, oh, i either have the whole bag of chips or none at all. i lack all sense of self control, especially with food that has multiple portions in a package. even if i attempt to save something for later, my mind spirals to thinking about how it's still there, and i end up eating the rest not even ten minutes later.

my mom, on the other hand, is able to buy something like boba, then proceed to drink only half of it and save it for the next day. inconceivable.

she mentioned her sister having the best control over food, only eating a spoonful of something she craves when she thinks of it, making the meal last all day. my aunt is so thin and tall, an old friend of mine who once saw her at my house said she looked like a k-pop idol.

i guess i should mention that my mother's side is asian, and i'm sure we all know the extreme diet culture and beauty standards that loom over that part of the world. i should also mention that i believe my mother tends to have disordered tendencies, which i've only really noticed since i've developed and identified my own, unconsciously following in her footsteps i assume.

hindsight is a bitch.

one summer in high school, i threw a barbecue party potluck thing for my friends and their families so we could all get to know each other better. my motivation for this was mostly so my parents trust that i'm hanging out with normal kids who definitely didn't have hobbies like drugs or alcohol... (they did) i had a friend who's mom is a nurse, and she pulled me aside to ask about my mom's health.

"she's too thin, too sick looking, is your mother okay?"

our family had been doing one of these "cleanses" at the time, where one only eats raw fruits and vegetables for twenty days. my parents are health nuts and tend to do these often. the only issue is that my mom takes it further every time, sometimes extending the diet for months. at that party i felt so jealous that my mom had gotten to the point where people we just met were concerned about her.

we did the cleanse again recently, and my mom was extra hyper-fixated on her weight this time around. she used the digital scale that i bought, bragging to me and my dad about reaching the double digits. it annoyed me to all hell. when twenty days had passed, i was hard craving any cooked food that i ended up eating a whole thing of unsalted rice cakes i kept in my room, and a bunch of gummy vitamins. my mom had the perseverance to keep going.

she displayed all of the symptoms of super low restriction, because essentially that's what the whole cleanse is. cico and all that. even if you're not counting, it's tough for me to overeat smoothies and salads. my mom was always cranky, tired, and has a job where she stands for long periods of time. usually when she gets home she'll watch tv, but during this time she just went straight to bed. she also cooked and brought home food, practically forcing it down my throat. ok not really, but it felt like it.

"try it! i cant eat this because i'm not eating you know? try it! you can't waste good food. i was 95 this morning! did you guys lose a lot too? i want to keep going~"

it was an incredibly triggering time.

i never grew up having that sort of concern placed on me, and there's so much from my childhood that i just know influenced me and my eating habits and mindset, but i'll save it for another entry. the jealousy i felt when my friend's mom asked about how my mom was doing really pushed me to the edge because i just want someone to worry about me like that sometimes. secretly, of course, but the void is the only place i can resist lying.

there is a distinction between having an ed and having disordered eating. my naturally skinny "best friend" most likely has disordered eating habits, only eating a bagel or something small some days because she's too sucked into playing a new video game or busy with schoolwork. she has no qualms about her body and loves going out to eat. she jokes about how thin she is and thinks that she should exercise to build muscle, occasionally sending me memes about wearing kids clothes and another that... made me relapse hard. not like she knew. i'm bad at my own illness.

my mom on the other hand, fixates on her weight, goes on these cleanse diets, and despite not counting cals or anything she tries to control her portions most times. i suggested to my dad that maybe we should talk to her about it because it got so bad when she was cleansing and i got worried. nothing ever came of that outside of talking about how family therapy would be good because,

"i'd prove you all wrong and show that i'm right, the therapist would 100% agree with me, i just know it" - my dad

good effort, wrong intention.

my mom doesn't believe in mental illness, which is another childhood thing that affected me, so i never spoke about it to her and kept my assumptions a secret with my dad. hopefully.

my grandma on my dad's side has even been referred to as someone who barely eats. she tends to be a picky eater, only having things like canned soup, chicken, basic and bland foods. she only poops once a week with a laxative apparently, and as someone who is on the heavier side, she talks about wanting to lose weight a lot. i hate how normalized this is around me. it took me forever to realize how the actions of others impacted my own behaviors.

i saw a thread on here about something similar, i believe the op was asking if anyone knew any women with a healthy relationship with food. i've been thinking about that and i think the combination of the "thin ideal" and diet culture, among other factors, really affects us, even if some people never take it to the extremes. i was in middle school when my mom told me that drinking lemon juice and cayenne should be a thing we do in the morning, and even gave me bottles of carb blockers and biotin, because "it helps you look good".

yikes.

yoooooo anyway, i fasted for two days after having a binge and took 4 laxatives so now my ass hurts but i went from 108 pre binge to 115 post binge to 110 after fasting and lax so it was worth it i guess. i haven't taken them in a while and i'm hoping that the extra 2 pounds are just water weight (unlikely tbh) and i can lose it fast /: i hate food omg... the morning after the ~ binge ~ i was so nauseous and my whole body hurt so much it felt like my fat cells were expanding and i was trying not to freak out about it. i cut my bangs today idk if they look good but i let them grow past my nose and just had my hair parted so it was getting annoying. honestly i just needed something to do during a fast i hate fasting holy shit !!!

lol goodnight <3
 
#8 ·
influences, all or nothing, and stories

did anyone else grow up around people who, in hindsight, have such a terrible relationship with food?



before i start talking nonsense i just want to thank u so much for reading these??? i wasn't expecting the void to observe me speaking into it. i appreciate so so much all the comments i've gotten <3 this community is incredibly sweet and i love you all omg,, knowing that some random shit i have to say is relatable or coaxes emotions out of people is so, aaaaaaaaaaaaaa !!! the only thing i've actually written before is like... bad fanfiction so the positive feedback is overwhelming haha. today i just have some stories to tell i guess.



the other day i told my mom i was stuffed after having an entire pint of ice cream in one sitting. this interaction led to her revealing how she tries so hard to eat small portions and save things for later. i thought, oh, i either have the whole bag of chips or none at all. i lack all sense of self control, especially with food that has multiple portions in a package. even if i attempt to save something for later, my mind spirals to thinking about how it's still there, and i end up eating the rest not even ten minutes later.



my mom, on the other hand, is able to buy something like boba, then proceed to drink only half of it and save it for the next day. inconceivable.



she mentioned her sister having the best control over food, only eating a spoonful of something she craves when she thinks of it, making the meal last all day. my aunt is so thin and tall, an old friend of mine who once saw her at my house said she looked like a k-pop idol.



i guess i should mention that my mother's side is asian, and i'm sure we all know the extreme diet culture and beauty standards that loom over that part of the world. i should also mention that i believe my mother tends to have disordered tendencies, which i've only really noticed since i've developed and identified my own, unconsciously following in her footsteps i assume.



hindsight is a bitch.



one summer in high school, i threw a barbecue party potluck thing for my friends and their families so we could all get to know each other better. my motivation for this was mostly so my parents trust that i'm hanging out with normal kids who definitely didn't have hobbies like drugs or alcohol... (they did) i had a friend who's mom is a nurse, and she pulled me aside to ask about my mom's health.



"she's too thin, too sick looking, is your mother okay?"



our family had been doing one of these "cleanses" at the time, where one only eats raw fruits and vegetables for twenty days. my parents are health nuts and tend to do these often. the only issue is that my mom takes it further every time, sometimes extending the diet for months. at that party i felt so jealous that my mom had gotten to the point where people we just met were concerned about her.



we did the cleanse again recently, and my mom was extra hyper-fixated on her weight this time around. she used the digital scale that i bought, bragging to me and my dad about reaching the double digits. it annoyed me to all hell. when twenty days had passed, i was hard craving any cooked food that i ended up eating a whole thing of unsalted rice cakes i kept in my room, and a bunch of gummy vitamins. my mom had the perseverance to keep going.



she displayed all of the symptoms of super low restriction, because essentially that's what the whole cleanse is. cico and all that. even if you're not counting, it's tough for me to overeat smoothies and salads. my mom was always cranky, tired, and has a job where she stands for long periods of time. usually when she gets home she'll watch tv, but during this time she just went straight to bed. she also cooked and brought home food, practically forcing it down my throat. ok not really, but it felt like it.



"try it! i cant eat this because i'm not eating you know? try it! you can't waste good food. i was 95 this morning! did you guys lose a lot too? i want to keep going~"



it was an incredibly triggering time.



i never grew up having that sort of concern placed on me, and there's so much from my childhood that i just know influenced me and my eating habits and mindset, but i'll save it for another entry. the jealousy i felt when my friend's mom asked about how my mom was doing really pushed me to the edge because i just want someone to worry about me like that sometimes. secretly, of course, but the void is the only place i can resist lying.



there is a distinction between having an ed and having disordered eating. my naturally skinny "best friend" most likely has disordered eating habits, only eating a bagel or something small some days because she's too sucked into playing a new video game or busy with schoolwork. she has no qualms about her body and loves going out to eat. she jokes about how thin she is and thinks that she should exercise to build muscle, occasionally sending me memes about wearing kids clothes and another that... made me relapse hard. not like she knew. i'm bad at my own illness.



my mom on the other hand, fixates on her weight, goes on these cleanse diets, and despite not counting cals or anything she tries to control her portions most times. i suggested to my dad that maybe we should talk to her about it because it got so bad when she was cleansing and i got worried. nothing ever came of that outside of talking about how family therapy would be good because,



"i'd prove you all wrong and show that i'm right, the therapist would 100% agree with me, i just know it" - my dad



good effort, wrong intention.



my mom doesn't believe in mental illness, which is another childhood thing that affected me, so i never spoke about it to her and kept my assumptions a secret with my dad. hopefully.



my grandma on my dad's side has even been referred to as someone who barely eats. she tends to be a picky eater, only having things like canned soup, chicken, basic and bland foods. she only poops once a week with a laxative apparently, and as someone who is on the heavier side, she talks about wanting to lose weight a lot. i hate how normalized this is around me. it took me forever to realize how the actions of others impacted my own behaviors.



i saw a thread on here about something similar, i believe the op was asking if anyone knew any women with a healthy relationship with food. i've been thinking about that and i think the combination of the "thin ideal" and diet culture, among other factors, really affects us, even if some people never take it to the extremes. i was in middle school when my mom told me that drinking lemon juice and cayenne should be a thing we do in the morning, and even gave me bottles of carb blockers and biotin, because "it helps you look good".



yikes.





yoooooo anyway, i fasted for two days after having a binge and took 4 laxatives so now my ass hurts but i went from 108 pre binge to 115 post binge to 110 after fasting and lax so it was worth it i guess. i haven't taken them in a while and i'm hoping that the extra 2 pounds are just water weight (unlikely tbh) and i can lose it fast /: i hate food omg... the morning after the ~ binge ~ i was so nauseous and my whole body hurt so much it felt like my fat cells were expanding and i was trying not to freak out about it. i cut my bangs today idk if they look good but i let them grow past my nose and just had my hair parted so it was getting annoying. honestly i just needed something to do during a fast i hate fasting holy shit !!!



lol goodnight <3
no seriouslyyyy



before my sister and i developed EDs, my mom would always praise us for "not being hungry" she'd be like "good job resisting and listening to your body"



whenever we went to ice cream shops and get one scoop, my mom would seriously tell them to take some out because she thought an entire scoop was too much for me. so embarrassing. now she's really different because she gives me so much eat lol so that i can restore weight but yeah my mom used to have a weird relationship with food.



i'm sorry that your mom was acting so wack. EDs are definitely genetic, 2 of my aunts had EDs and now me and my sister both do.
 
#9 · (Edited)
leg slander

LEG SLANDER !

growing up in the 21st century means that i grew up accustomed to having everything immediately all of the time. that instant gratification zapped every ounce of patience i might have come with, and makes anything that takes time that much more grueling.

losing weight is so incredibly slow and frustrating, especially when you

a - really want to lose weight in a certain part of your body

b - start off at a more normal bmi (i see people with higher ones drop faster, but i think that's just how it works)
c - mid restrict as opposed to low
d - have no perception of seeing a change even in photos

i hate my legs. i hate very part of them they are scarred, spotted with ingrown hairs, and fat.

in high school i was hit on often by boys (and girls, surprisingly) because i was "thicc" and it was horrible. i was labeled as the curvy friend, the thicc girl, and it became a part of my label whether i wanted it or not.

i did track as a sport and after one meet, i got a snapchat from some kid in one of my classes saying "your ass looked so good in that uniform" and i wanted to kill myself on the spot. i originally did track to try and lose weight, but the coach said i should do sprints and made me go to nightmare-ish pasta feeds. instead of losing and looking like a long distance runner, i gained muscle and looked thick. i vowed to do cross country after the season was over, but gave up on sports in high school because i got a job.

all of the weight i gain goes to my ass and legs, even though i'm pretty sure my body type is hourglass-like and not pear shaped, although i'm not an expert of looking at myself and knowing exactly what i'm looking at. part of the reason skinny is a goal for me is because i was perceived as that girl with "thick legs and a nice ass", and looking 20 at 16 made me want to look 12 at 20.

i hate growing up too fast.

one time as a twelve year old i got catcalled while watching fourth of july fireworks in the city with my family.

before puberty hit my body like a truck i was a noodle looking kid, short and underweight. honestly, its probably mostly because i grew up poor that i was so malnourished, but when my mom met my dad (technically step-dad, but i just call him dad) he helped us out financially. the combination of getting easier food access and puberty made me practically balloon in size. now i want to shrink and disappear.

every time i get dressed i cant stop thinking about how fat my legs are and i haven't worn skinny jeans in years because i'm too afraid that someone will look at my legs and think they're fat like i do.

i often work with coworkers who are skinnier than me and want to hide behind clothes so baggy nobody knows how i look underneath at all.

what's really trippy with dysmorphia and all is how i feel like my legs look relatively thinner in certain mirrors or wearing certain clothing. theres this one mirror in my house that makes me look boney in the right lighting, and my legs look pretty decent. compared to wearing jeans, i feel like wearing a skirt and leggings definitely makes me at least think i look skinnier for some reason. maybe its because my massive upper thighs are covered?

regardless of what i see i believe i tend to lose weight the slowest in my legs, and it drive me insane. i see my collarbones and my face is hollowing, my ribs are starting to show more and i can even see my hipbones a little, but my legs refuse to budge. i'm technically at bmi 18 and i've been looking at old forums about legs and it really depends on genetics. i just wish i had the ones that let me lose leg weight first.


oh the things i would do for skinny thighs...
 
#10 ·
leg slander

LEG SLANDER !



growing up in the 21st century means that i grew up accustomed to having everything immediately all of the time. that instant gratification zapped every ounce of patience i might have come with, and makes anything that takes time that much more grueling.



losing weight is so incredibly slow and frustrating, especially when you



a - really want to lose weight in a certain part of your body
b - start off at a more normal bmi (i see people with higher ones drop faster, but i think that's just how it works)
c - mid restrict as opposed to low
d - have no perception of seeing a change even in photos



i hate my legs. i hate very part of them they are scarred, spotted with ingrown hairs, and fat.



in high school i was hit on often by boys (and girls, surprisingly) because i was "thicc" and it was horrible. i was labeled as the curvy friend, the thicc girl, and it became a part of my label whether i wanted it or not.



i did track as a sport and after one meet, i got a snapchat from some kid in one of my classes saying "your ass looked so good in that uniform" and i wanted to kill myself on the spot. i originally did track to try and lose weight, but the coach said i should do sprints and made me go to nightmare-ish pasta feeds. instead of losing and looking like a long distance runner, i gained muscle and looked thick. i vowed to do cross country after the season was over, but gave up on sports in high school because i got a job.



all of the weight i gain goes to my ass and legs, even though i'm pretty sure my body type is hourglass-like and not pear shaped, although i'm not an expert of looking at myself and knowing exactly what i'm looking at. part of the reason skinny is a goal for me is because i was perceived as that girl with "thick legs and a nice ass", and looking 20 at 16 made me want to look 12 at 20.



i hate growing up too fast.



one time as a twelve year old i got catcalled while watching fourth of july fireworks in the city with my family.



before puberty hit my body like a truck i was a noodle looking kid, short and underweight. honestly, its probably mostly because i grew up poor that i was so malnourished, but when my mom met my dad (technically step-dad, but i just call him dad) he helped us out financially. the combination of getting easier food access and puberty made me practically balloon in size. now i want to shrink and disappear.



every time i get dressed i cant stop thinking about how fat my legs are and i haven't worn skinny jeans in years because i'm too afraid that someone will look at my legs and think they're fat like i do.



i often work with coworkers who are skinnier than me and want to hide behind clothes so baggy nobody knows how i look underneath at all.



what's really trippy with dysmorphia and all is how i feel like my legs look relatively thinner in certain mirrors or wearing certain clothing. theres this one mirror in my house that makes me look boney in the right lighting, and my legs look pretty decent. compared to wearing jeans, i feel like wearing a skirt and leggings definitely makes me at least think i look skinnier for some reason. maybe its because my massive upper thighs are covered?



regardless of what i see i believe i tend to lose weight the slowest in my legs, and it drive me insane. i see my collarbones and my face is hollowing, my ribs are starting to show more and i can even see my hipbones a little, but my legs refuse to budge. i'm technically at bmi 18 and i've been looking at old forums about legs and it really depends on genetics. i just wish i had the ones that let me lose leg weight first.



oh the things i would do for skinny thighs...
OMG, literally me and my entire upbringing! I'm so sorry to hear that you have to go through this. It's infuriating having people inspect you like a piece of meat, especially when you're young and shouldn't be exposed to such leering. My mother used to forbade me from wearing skinny jeans during middle/high school for this very reason which I found utterly ridiculous and demoralizing. It's the worst feeling, but our own eyes are more unforgiving than others. So, don't be too harsh on yourself. I wish you the best and rock whatever you got!
 
#11 · (Edited)
calorie paranoiaaaa

paranoia is a bitch and sometimes i think i cannot even trust the labels of food. or myself.

they cant be exact, right? even if the label is correct what if one bag of chips has an extra chip in there or something? who even decided on the measurements of calories? i've gotten so bored and looked up how they determine it, leading me to this website,

"According to the National Data Lab (NDL), most of the calorie values in the USDA and industry food tables are based on an indirect calorie estimation made using the so-called Atwater system."

ESTIMATION? lol bye


it's even worse when it comes to fruits and vegetables, because even on the tracker apps they have different measurements for different sized items. i'm not gonna measure if my banana is 5 inches every time i use one either. i have a food scale, but i'm too lazy to measure every vegetable that i might happen to eat in one day. props to people who do, because that's dedication lmao.

what if one apple has a higher sugar content than another? sometimes fruit is unripe. are sweeter fruits higher in cals? i tend to overestimate cals because of this, 50 is basically 100, 150 is 200, and so on. i'm really trying to stop, but sometimes i just get into a thinking frenzy because of things like this.

the funny thing is, if i slip into a different frenzy counting goes out the window.

is it possible to completely just lose consciousness and do things out of your control? i'm sure it is, although it doesn't seem normal at all. i often feel like an outsider looking in in life, so apathetic that i do not feel as if i occupy the vessel that i do. this is different.

i woke up one day and my dad told me i ate all of the ice cream in the house. did i remember doing that? no, but apparently i did. i felt it too, being lactose intolerant and all. it was on camera and everything too. sleepwalking is something unbeknownst to me so i was shocked i even did that. hearing voices? paranoia? yes. but never something like unconscious eating? i've started to forget conversations and things that happened as well, but nothing like this.

was i worried about the calorie count then? definitely not. do i worry about it whenever i knowingly binge and the control slips? no. it's just humorous how much worry i place on trivial things like that then snap and all thought goes out the window. it's primal, like my body is functioning faster than i can process it.

losing control unknowingly is even scarier than doing it intentionally, saying fuck it and going to the grocery store at midnight to come out with binge foods and laxatives....

i've talked about control before, but what is the extent of losing it like this? could the weight loss be so incredibly slow because i do things like this often? have i eaten things unknowingly during periods of restriction? so many questions.

worrying about the accuracy of labels is one thing. worrying about the accuracy of myself is well, another thing.

p.s. why the hell do some of my entries have weird fonts on my pc but look normal on mobile or on my macbook??? psh
 
#12 ·
calorie paranoiaaaa

paranoia is a bitch and sometimes i think i cannot even trust the labels of food. or myself.



they cant be exact, right? even if the label is correct what if one bag of chips has an extra chip in there or something? who even decided on the measurements of calories? i've gotten so bored and looked up how they determine it, leading me to this website,



"According to the National Data Lab (NDL), most of the calorie values in the USDA and industry food tables are based on an indirect calorie estimation made using the so-called Atwater system."



ESTIMATION? lol bye



it's even worse when it comes to fruits and vegetables, because even on the tracker apps they have different measurements for different sized items. i'm not gonna measure if my banana is 5 inches every time i use one either. i have a food scale, but i'm too lazy to measure every vegetable that i might happen to eat in one day. props to people who do, because that's dedication lmao.



what if one apple has a higher sugar content than another? sometimes fruit is unripe. are sweeter fruits higher in cals? i tend to overestimate cals because of this, 50 is basically 100, 150 is 200, and so on. i'm really trying to stop, but sometimes i just get into a thinking frenzy because of things like this.



the funny thing is, if i slip into a different frenzy counting goes out the window.



is it possible to completely just lose consciousness and do things out of your control? i'm sure it is, although it doesn't seem normal at all. i often feel like an outsider looking in in life, so apathetic that i do not feel as if i occupy the vessel that i do. this is different.



i woke up one day and my dad told me i ate all of the ice cream in the house. did i remember doing that? no, but apparently i did. i felt it too, being lactose intolerant and all. it was on camera and everything too. sleepwalking is something unbeknownst to me so i was shocked i even did that. hearing voices? paranoia? yes. but never something like unconscious eating? i've started to forget conversations and things that happened as well, but nothing like this.



was i worried about the calorie count then? definitely not. do i worry about it whenever i knowingly binge and the control slips? no. it's just humorous how much worry i place on trivial things like that then snap and all thought goes out the window. it's primal, like my body is functioning faster than i can process it.



losing control unknowingly is even scarier than doing it intentionally, saying fuck it and going to the grocery store at midnight to come out with binge foods and laxatives....



i've talked about control before, but what is the extent of losing it like this? could the weight loss be so incredibly slow because i do things like this often? have i eaten things unknowingly during periods of restriction? so many questions.



worrying about the accuracy of labels is one thing. worrying about the accuracy of myself is well, another thing.



p.s. why the hell do some of my entries have weird fonts on my pc but look normal on mobile or on my macbook??? psh
I get this, I don't eat fruits hardly because of this. I never eat anything without being 100% sure of the calories. I also try to eat foods higher in protein.
 

Attachments

#13 · (Edited)
doesn't anyone want... more?


i always wonder, doesn't anyone want more?

i'm not going to sit here and ponder the meaning of life as that's been over-pondered plenty. but i do have something to say in that vein, and i'm not really sure how to put it exactly.

jobs. careers.

some people are lucky enough to turn passion into profit, and others are stuck working to live, or living to work.

for some reason i cannot fathom doing so for the rest of my life. i can't seem to find any meaning or value in my life and even though i have nothing, i look around and don't see anything i do want.

yes, i know, i'm too young and have so much to explore blah blah blah. i still can't bring myself to enjoy imagining myself in situations i see that bring people happiness. but who's talking? me, or the mental illness?

i asked my dad some years ago if he's happy. working the same job, living in the same place, with the same partner, and i offended him by expressing how i would rather do anything else than work for five days and watch movies and tv for fun. where is the passion, the excitement, the life? i know many people do the same, get old, settle into a routine.

i am by no means particularly living as opposed to just occupying a vessel currently, but i don't think i can call what my parents are doing living either. or any other older person i know for that matter.

my dad said it's the small things, like everyone does, when they have to think about what makes them happy.

"i get to see my dog everyday, and nothing could be better than that."

not even he makes me happier, and i asked for the dog.

my life is devoid of love, passion, feeling, and i believe starving or binge eating are some of the only ways i can feel something. not love, not passion, but the pain and emptiness accompanied by hunger or the weight, heaviness, or frenzy that accompanies overeating to the point i cannot move. at least it's something.

love.

love is often touted as this magical experience that has the potential to propel people to great lengths, and yet it can also drown people in sorrow and dread. after reading a few books focused on love providing meaning to character's lives, i realized that i am fundamentally loveless.

one of the books said that we are made from love, we are born to spread it onto others.

"but you haven't found the right one!"

even if every relationship i've ever had has ended in destruction or been abusive on either end, and even if my parents never taught me what the meaning of the word is in a conventional sense, i don't believe the "right one" will come swoop down and magically save me. people also say that only you can save yourself. which is true? at some point i pondered being ace/aromantic just because i can't seem to feel "it"

perhaps there will be romantic moments, moments where i feel like it could be the two of us against the world, but what comes next? do we end up like my parents, living the same days on replay with nothing else?

my mother's idea of love is material. buying me items when i'm sad instead of asking me about the problem, taking me to get food only to not talk about anything interesting, letting me live in the house as a failure of a person at the ripe old age of twenty, assumably only because she feels pity for what i went through as a child and has no other way to make it up to me now.

material items are no good, however, and the times i've stayed at fancy hotels like the four seasons all i could do was sit on the bathroom floor and daydream of jumping off the balcony. a normal person would've probably relaxed and taken advantage of the lavishness at their feet.

my father, my real father whom i do not refer to as being my dad, left me at a young age and died recently. my step-dad is more like a friend than a father figure. i really have no other known family. my friends have all been fake, my personality fake to go along with them, dating feeling mostly one sided as i cannot reciprocate anything nice that happens to me. the only time someone said "i love you" to me i cried because i hated it. i have no clue why.

i don't know exactly how to articulate how i feel about things like this, and honestly, words are quit limiting at describing how people feel. feelings are complex, even the emptiness i often experience, and the english vocabulary only has so much to offer in terms of adjectives to describe something so intangible, yet so human.

i digress.

maybe i think this way because i grew up too fast, surrounded by misfortune and missed opportunities, only to run into a dead end with nothing to look forward to.

i was talking to a new coworker today, oversharing because i find tragedy comedic in some twisted way, only to have them react so seriously. i think growing up too fast and seeing too much too soon made me realize that nothing matters and taking things seriously is something i cannot do because of that. (also, joking about trauma is funny. to me.)

there is a lot i can say about the root of my ed, why i want to be small and skinny and fragile. i think it's common to have the sort of root cause of growing up too fast and wanting so desperately to return to a smaller form, a form that receives pity and is dowsed with hope for the future, a form that looks at the world with light in its eyes and an entire list of aspirations. this might be why some people regress in age (NOT the kink), maybe, like me, they never got that kind of childhood that results in being a person who knows love and passion, feeling okay with growing old with someone and being satisfied with the human condition that drives me insane. maybe if i grew up in a good home i would appreciate a nice hug, cute animals, care about the world we have created and what goes on in it.

but maybe not, since there are those who still experience the same looming thoughts as me who came from nicer places.

my mother never believed in mental illness. when i took an entire bottle of painkillers at the ripe age of twelve, self harmed, pulled out half my head of hair (still trying to stop that omg), had the police sent to my house with a suicide warning and ended up in the hospital several times, all she said was

"it's all in your head. you don't want to end up like those people here, in the looney bin? just think positive."

i went to therapy for a few weeks until we had family therapy and my dad got livid when the lady who was just trying to help suggested that his alcoholism might be interfering with me. then, i saw nobody. i had my door taken off it's hinges, my wrists checked regularly, i wasn't allowed to shave or shower without the door being open.

i have thought about seeking out help countless times, but what would be the point of getting fixed just to be thrown into a society full of cogs in a giant machine? i would rather die than be made a functional cog, just another speck to be forgotten. maybe i should've been born a star in the sky. the stars don't fade for lifetimes, never forgotten by anyone who looks up. they burn, full of chemicals, like us.

maybe even thinking about being "fixed" however, is the first step to getting "better"

i saw a school counselor (basically a psych major getting experience) for several years in high school and i couldn't even take it seriously. i just talked about the drama and blatant sa that was happening to me at the time, but in a comedic way. she was great. we never got anything done due to my fear of vulnerability. when i left, she gave me a gift, a candle jar with the word "purpose" on it.

years have passed and i still haven't found a purpose.

even if i did, i think i would still want more. i haven't had love, so i'd need everybody to love me. drown me in it. i haven't found a passion so i'd need to stay up for days at a time to hone it and obsess over it. i haven't felt the fresh air of life. i'd need to choke on it.


as mitski once said:

"and i want a love that falls as fast as a body from a balcony

i wanna kiss like my heart is hitting the ground"
 
#14 ·
tales from the emergency room

ok quick entry bc im in a hospital bed IN THE GRIPPY SOCKS (yellow.) I CAME to the er bc of really bad stomach pain to the point of not being able to walk or sleep and they saw my scars and took my things and im scared to do a blood test BUT THEY WANT ME TO TALK ABOUT MY FEELINGS AND honestly i took a bunch of lax days ago but this feels way more serious than usual anyway. im an adult but i dont want my parents to know about anything mental.

theres a cop sitting by me and they are throwing around "si" like yes i think ab suicide a lot im probably soooooo fucked from years of not getting help that i dont really want but wow i

i died i havent been to a hospital in so long and when i got weighed it was so bad i almost cried why cant you strip for that

FUCK LOL omg holy sh

im scared...

updates:

theres a needle in me there's an iv in my ARM i was shaking for a good while surprised i didn't pass out though

im not uw and i weighed heavier on their scales fully clothed and shoes on but i wonder if they'll see anything off anywhere else and ask.... i got offered apple juice bc the blood thing made me really shakey

my electrolytes were bad so they gave me pills ... asked if i eat enough ???? said yeah ofc (like a liar)

and i got a ct scan so they asked me my weight. i gave yesterday's bc no way is the one here accurate w all my heavy ass clothes and boots on. the guy was like "my left pinky weighs as much as you " and the side effects of the scan fluid injection hit me immediately. he said it was bc im "skinny" ????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

hmmm there are ketones in my blood test am i in ketosis bc of not eating???????? ha aha!!!

i have to drink so much water for an ultrasound and i have to piss already but if there's one thing im good at as an anorexic it's drinking water

i am not used to being touched bc of trauma / abuse / sa so that was weird im so glad i passed up the ah vaginal probe omfg im literally here to see if this worst pain i've ever had in my stomach is my appendix exploding

the suicide watch cop turned out to be really good company we talked and he let me squeeze his hand when i got this tube put in me ^-^ it was funny bc i had to have him escort me to the bathroom and i couldn't lock it for that sewersidal reason ! he said i seem cool and talked about his own depression which was /:

i will keep updating this bc i am bored sitting and waiting in this bed

i got a new cop bc mine had to take lunch and this lady is waaaay less talkative n im so annoyingly chatty i definitely annoyed her ???? i can tell

literally crying bc ppl are so nice here and i'm not used to it im so fucking overwhelmed this is pathetic

OH MY GOD THEY 51 50ED ME FUCK? I HATE HOSPITALS FUCKN THIS FUCK ME

i will be here for 72 hours and at some point transferred to inpatient or something like that wwooooow holy shit im kinda panicking /: i just want to go home im sorry i hurt myself guys !!! shit

the tube in my arm hurts a loooooot, im super bored, and my dad brought me candy with my laptop and phone charger and book fuuuuck

honestly its free res having not eaten since last night

i rejected dinner but they're probably going to make me eat something ............

oh they put appearance: slender on my record aaaaaaaaaha

im watching anime xd this tube is killing me tho but it stays until i leave

wish me luck <3 im petrified. i think the psych department person overreacted.

i leave at 2:15am pst. i'll for sure miss this site for the time being ;-;
 
#15 · (Edited)
tales from the psych ward ~

the mind is already a prison,

why trap the prison in another set of walls?

i understand confinement for those who do wrong, but i fail to grasp how confinement of the mentally ill helps in any way. unless of course extreme measures need to be in place. i'm mainly talking about depression and mood disorders here, for context.

my last entry was about how i got sent to the psych ward after they deemed me "suicidal"

funny.

believe me, i can see how it would be beneficial to keep a close eye over those who are an imminent danger to themselves and others, i just frown upon the execution of doing so in such a prison-ly, bureaucratic, non-sympathetic fashion.

i tend to not utilize the healthcare system in america because of how shitty it is. i haven't had a physical in years, and i only went for vaccines or when i knew i had a uti and needed the antibiotics. my experience with doctors has been "you're so dramatic." downplaying my symptoms or feelings has led to me holding a distrustful attitude towards the whole system. it might be good to rely on if you have problems that need immediate addressing, or have a good care staff that actually care.

when i was admitted into the er, it was the same. after seeing how fucked my body is, the nurse taking my vitals only focused on addressing the scars as opposed to the knife twisting stomach pain i was feeling at the time. i got locked into a room with a guard on watch the entire time, and nobody really told me any of my test results. i only found out i was "normal" because they update it online, and i get emailed when i see any changes to my record. they didn't even tell me "nothing is wrong" in the abdominal area.

the only thing told to me was my electrolyte deficiency. even when they measured my blood pressure the nurse took it twice because he was unsatisfied with how low it was the first time. what kind of practice is that?

i had to have an iv in for the entire stay and it gave me so much discomfort and pain, but when i asked if i could have anything done about it the nurse told me what i felt was just discomfort. how are you going to tell me how i feel? half the time i don't even know how i feel, but this pain kept me up for 48 hours and was very real. "just discomfort"

the room i had at the emergency room was akin to solitary confinement, i had no idea what was happening to me, nobody told me what was going to happen next, where i was going next, or anything. i guess i should've expected this standard ever since they didn't feel like relaying my test results. the psychologist who evaluated me blew everything out of proportion and even racially profiled me. i was too loopy from lack of sleep to realize until later that he mentioned "lots of black people do meth" when he asked me about my drug history. my medical records have me as asian because i am mixed, so not only did he not read about me at all, he said that garbage to my face.

enough about that.

staying in a psych ward was… daunting.

they strip you of everything, including the little personality you have left because if you want to leave as soon as possible, you have to play the little game and pretend it's fine. i felt like a literal prisoner in matching clothes, grippy socks, very little freedom to go outside, constantly having a parade of staff looking after you, no access to the outside besides the phone and seeing news on television.

i was a model inmate though, eating 100% of my meals and crying about it later, being friendly to the others and not being in my room all day. it was harder to "pretend its fine" there because being there honestly made me more depressed. i have never missed my bed more. perhaps a place like that is beneficial to those who are actively in danger, but i was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. sort of like saying the wrong thing to a therapist even though its not what you're really going to do and you're just being dramatic to cope.

eating was really hard, especially after knowing there were other ed sufferers there too. at first i was just thinking:

"they think i'm fat they think i'm fat they think i'm fat they see i'm a literal pig because i'm eating i'm so fat they think i'm so fat they're judging me i'm fat i'm fat i'm fat"

but after a while i just bit back the thoughts because they tend to, at least for me, be more about myself than other people. i got to joke around about some clown behavior though, having never known any other ed bitches ever. nobody knew what "expand arm" entails however….


my whole takeaway from that experience is how depravity is the therapy. (sarcastically, of course)

keep someone away from anything they're used to and they'll appreciate it that much more. as i was being hauled off to the ambulance i almost cried getting to see trees and the sky and litter on the ground and cars and road. i was so talkative to the paramedic since i hadn't spoken to anyone in so long.

coming home was the equivalent of being a freshly adopted animal from a shelter. it was harder than it should have been and i'm still trying to feel okay in my own house after that whole experience. i cannot imagine the hell inpatient is like.

the whole time i had this song in my head:

"I traveled to a mystical time zone
And I missed my bed
And I soon came home
They said, "There's too much caffeine
In your bloodstream

And a lack of real spice in your life"
 
#16 ·
tales from the psych ward ~

the mind is already a prison,



why trap the prison in another set of walls?



i understand confinement for those who do wrong, but i fail to grasp how confinement of the mentally ill helps in any way. unless of course extreme measures need to be in place. i'm mainly talking about depression and mood disorders here, for context.



my last entry was about how i got sent to the psych ward after they deemed me "suicidal"



funny.



believe me, i can see how it would be beneficial to keep a close eye over those who are an imminent danger to themselves and others, i just frown upon the execution of doing so in such a prison-ly, bureaucratic, non-sympathetic fashion.



i tend to not utilize the healthcare system in america because of how shitty it is. i haven't had a physical in years, and i only went for vaccines or when i knew i had a uti and needed the antibiotics. my experience with doctors has been "you're so dramatic." downplaying my symptoms or feelings has led to me holding a distrustful attitude towards the whole system. it might be good to rely on if you have problems that need immediate addressing, or have a good care staff that actually care.



when i was admitted into the er, it was the same. after seeing how fucked my body is, the nurse taking my vitals only focused on addressing the scars as opposed to the knife twisting stomach pain i was feeling at the time. i got locked into a room with a guard on watch the entire time, and nobody really told me any of my test results. i only found out i was "normal" because they update it online, and i get emailed when i see any changes to my record. they didn't even tell me "nothing is wrong" in the abdominal area.



the only thing told to me was my electrolyte deficiency. even when they measured my blood pressure the nurse took it twice because he was unsatisfied with how low it was the first time. what kind of practice is that?



i had to have an iv in for the entire stay and it gave me so much discomfort and pain, but when i asked if i could have anything done about it the nurse told me what i felt was just discomfort. how are you going to tell me how i feel? half the time i don't even know how i feel, but this pain kept me up for 48 hours and was very real. "just discomfort"



the room i had at the emergency room was akin to solitary confinement, i had no idea what was happening to me, nobody told me what was going to happen next, where i was going next, or anything. i guess i should've expected this standard ever since they didn't feel like relaying my test results. the psychologist who evaluated me blew everything out of proportion and even racially profiled me. i was too loopy from lack of sleep to realize until later that he mentioned "lots of black people do meth" when he asked me about my drug history. my medical records have me as asian because i am mixed, so not only did he not read about me at all, he said that garbage to my face.



enough about that.



staying in a psych ward was… daunting.



they strip you of everything, including the little personality you have left because if you want to leave as soon as possible, you have to play the little game and pretend it's fine. i felt like a literal prisoner in matching clothes, grippy socks, very little freedom to go outside, constantly having a parade of staff looking after you, no access to the outside besides the phone and seeing news on television.



i was a model inmate though, eating 100% of my meals and crying about it later, being friendly to the others and not being in my room all day. it was harder to "pretend its fine" there because being there honestly made me more depressed. i have never missed my bed more. perhaps a place like that is beneficial to those who are actively in danger, but i was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. sort of like saying the wrong thing to a therapist even though its not what you're really going to do and you're just being dramatic to cope.



eating was really hard, especially after knowing there were other ed sufferers there too. at first i was just thinking:



"they think i'm fat they think i'm fat they think i'm fat they see i'm a literal pig because i'm eating i'm so fat they think i'm so fat they're judging me i'm fat i'm fat i'm fat"



but after a while i just bit back the thoughts because they tend to, at least for me, be more about myself than other people. i got to joke around about some clown behavior though, having never known any other ed bitches ever. nobody knew what "expand arm" entails however….



my whole takeaway from that experience is how depravity is the therapy. (sarcastically, of course)



keep someone away from anything they're used to and they'll appreciate it that much more. as i was being hauled off to the ambulance i almost cried getting to see trees and the sky and litter on the ground and cars and road. i was so talkative to the paramedic since i hadn't spoken to anyone in so long.



coming home was the equivalent of being a freshly adopted animal from a shelter. it was harder than it should have been and i'm still trying to feel okay in my own house after that whole experience. i cannot imagine the hell inpatient is like.



the whole time i had this song in my head:



"I traveled to a mystical time zone
And I missed my bed
And I soon came home
They said, "There's too much caffeine
In your bloodstream
And a lack of real spice in your life"
You write beautifully! I feel like I've just viewed a piece of literal art. I agree with a lot of your views on psych wards and the medical system too... I'm in the UK and I can sadly confirm that things are just as messed up over here.
 
#17 ·
my therapist made me write this so i'm putting it here bc it is slightly humorous

the one she got was slightly altered, of course, because i do NOT want to raise red flags to her

sensory pleasures

a normal day at the beach, soaking up the sunlight and feeling it warm the skin, combined with the refreshing splash of ocean water when you decide to take a dip.

sand between your toes, somewhat annoying but somewhat soothing.

the scenery is absolutely gorgeous, and you wonder how a beach can look so good in any shade of sunlight. you're only slightly jealous.

the sounds of the waves and other's enjoyment is a pleasant cacophony, reminding you of the good vibes omnipresent in a leisurely place like this, on a normal leisurely day.

if only that's what i really took away from the senses.

upon doing a lot of thinking, i have conferred that the only joy i derive from the senses is from hearing. to be more specific, listening to music. to be even more more specific, listening to music at loud volumes to drown out my other thoughts. i've always used music to cope, and it definitely is a double edged sword, especially when i can feel myself going deaf over the years.

thinking about the other senses:

touch - i hate being touched by others, hate wearing pants and clothes because of the fabric feel (and dysmorphia), hate feeling changes in temperature because i'm too sensitive. not viable. sometimes i want to rip off my own skin because it feels like so much. also so many textures get on my fucking nerves like the fluffy blanket material i hate the fluffy blanket material

sight - watching things to pass time is fine, but i don't get much out of visuals. i love art, but its not soothing or makes me feel anything like some people say. same goes for nature and scenery. exception: looking at my comfort character ik its stupid but i love and also hate him n i feel so many emotions if i'm even just thinking or daydreaming about that mf??? why does he have such a hold on me like that i cant even like real people like that (i don't like him tho i hate him ok i'm just rambling now)

taste - i'm a pretty picky eater and don't even enjoy the food i tolerate. having a lot of intolerances probably doesn't help. i'm literally writing this on mpa. one taste of something remotely enjoyable can lead to a full on binge. food fucking sucks i hate it and i was so jealous of the crystal gems as a kid because they didn't have to eat and i really wished i looked like pearl. fuck food and my unhealthy relationship with it i hate tasting anything remotely enjoyable and if i'm seeking dopamine because i feel so empty i literally binge i'm just kinda ranting here thats why the text is small don't mind me i just really hated this whole prompt also i ate a whole pizza. yesterday and i hate myself

smell - i have an obsession with candles, but its more of something to collect than feel good about. i have more negative experiences with smell anyway, and am convinced i have a better sense of smell than most. is it me or are lax poops and farts always a distinct smell?

the obvious winner here is music. i keep thinking about things that normally feel good from perception, like a hot bath or going on a hike, but none of it really makes me feel anything past the point of absorbing it through my senses. a hot bath or shower has actually made me almost pass out. very cool!

i have collected records for a long time now, my father, now deceased, was a musician. i tried learning guitar but stopped for many reasons. i fantasized about singing in a band, but my voice is quite shoddy. it doesn't matter if i'm alone in my car though, because my steering wheel gets the front row to a whole concert. music has such a large variety and instant impact on me, sort of like absorbing the mood of a show i've been watching, i'll instantly absorb the mood of a song i'm listening to. most of the songs i listen to are upbeat, so it serves as a positive distraction from thinking too much, and makes me feel good in the end. can anyone be upset when they cant help but dance?

i wish i could turn the pleasure from dancing in my chair to pleasure from working out, but it does not work like that for me. where are the endorphins? i just feel like garbage after moving so much, but i force myself to do so anyway. because my apple watch bullies me.

there's something special about music, and many artists and albums have gotten me through times where i shuffled through the halls in high school and college, needed a soundtrack for a breakup, or literally any other mood. i have songs that make me remember things, people, ones that make me sad, ones i cannot listen to anymore, ones that bring nostalgia for a certain time, upon many others. unfortunately, hearing is temporary, and i've definitely destroyed a solid chunk of mine. it really isn't the same at a normal volume. i crave the intensity of hearing a song so loud i get absorbed in it.

i crave intensity so often, but the other senses are so dull to me and i never get the same feeling i do with music. even if i'm eating just to fill the void and feel something, it's usually coupled by diarrhea, which is NOT a fun sensory experience on any level.

what will i do when i go deaf by the ripe age of 30? uh... turn to alcoholism?

( i don't plan to be alive that long why is 30 so old in terms of myself. no offense to any older people ily i just cant see myself at that age)

congrats it's the end this took me forever to write and its so bullshitty i hope she enjoys the filtered, more bullshitty version. also i did this so last minute because i only work under pressure and really hate being told to do things. fuck. hopefully its a decent read but i'm too full of spite and i don't wanna read it back tbh ????
 
#18 ·
first post in feb: thought spew/general guilt reflections idk


woahh long time no see hi :)


i've gained. probably 10 or 15 in the time between the end of january and now. but i can't stop eating.


i can't go out either because i feel like shit. i've been thinking about how ass backwards i am about food being nourishing, and how its supposed to give you energy and all that. i wish i had that feeling, but food constantly makes me feel like shit. it could bee a combination of aspects, all disordered.


it could be the overwhelming feelings of guilt, the fact that the food i binge on is over-processed and unhealthy in and of itself, the subsequent huge depressive episodes robbing me of energy after eating any normal amounts of food.


i feel the fat forming, it's painful. i can literally feel my skin stretch and when i walk i feel like jello, i feel like i take up too 50% of the room i'm in.


if you believe in set point theory (i don't know where i stand on it personally), i feel far from my set point. like my body is not supposed to look like this. the stretch marks, the cellulite, the stuff thats forming along with the fat that tells me "something is off here" just makes me want to crawl into a hole. i don't belong here, at this weight, and even my body is screaming at me about it.


i haven't written anything for this blog in a while because of the depression, and it's taking all of my effort to even watch a show or get up to take a shower. so honestly this entry is kind of a thought spew with bad, rusty prose to get me feeling more normal.


i keep telling myself the pendulum will swing and i'll relapse in the opposite direction soon but that doesn't excuse how shitty i feel in the moment. not that i desire a relapse in any direction, mind you. this way just takes the cake for being the most damaging to my mind and self image, and it would be nice to escape to normalcy, but i only know how to swing all the way to the other side. i have not learned how the brakes work on this thing quite yet. or perhaps, the solution is to let go of the rope before it hits the other side, but in this analogy that could mean several different things. i'll leave it up to you to decide where that would put the little mental image of whatever concept of me there is in your mind.


usually i have all kinds of tricks that work for myself when trying to end a binge, but recent circumstances have sent me absolutely spiraling.


how to break the cycle of


eating to feel something > feel bad because fat > feel out of touch with reality because depression > empty > eating to feel something??


i've put down so many whole pizzas and pints of ice cream and burgers until it hurts and i throw up a little, not because i want to but because i'm too full, i keep waking up sweaty because my body can't handle the metabolism increase or regulate temperature.


it's not even about feeling empty at this point, because i just keep overeating and not having full on binge frenzies. it's just pure depression, and i can't seem to pull myself out of it, since my stupid dopamine wired brain has found an easy source chock full of the stuff.


i don't know what's wrong with me. the void wont be filled with people or drugs or pets and obviously not food, so what am i really craving? why is it so intense i feel like destroying my body over it?


recently i've been masterminding getting two of my friends to date each other and it took one day of going out to actually get things going for them, which is nice. i am officially the best wingman of all time. yes, i managed to go out, and i started writing this weeks before adding this part, just to clear things up if you remember the intro.


the only drawback is that someone else in the same group has come onto me. unfortunately my slut era is over and i've gone pure anti-partner mode (with one exception that i wont expose here lmaooo), and honestly it takes me so much effort to hold a non romantic friendship in my state of brain fog and bed laying. i'm not interested, and in this era of life i've actually learned the definition of saying no instead of just getting taken advantage of like as a kid. unfortunately the other person probably feels a bit weird about the whole situation, but they'll get over it.


i lied. thats not the only drawback, since i failed to take into account if both parties would be ready to start dating, and one hasn't processed their last relationship quite yet, which i did not know.


guess i'm not the best wingman of all time after all.


my new title should be "ruiner of things" maybe. i bought my friend ice cream though, so perhaps thats compensatory for the emotional damage.


a perk that applies to me personally is the fact that going out again restores a bit of sanity. something about eating with a friend makes it easier for me to keep things normal as long as the food is safe, and being focused on drama and other things keeps my cacophonic (not a word, i'm just making up words now? this should be a word.) brain from spiraling into an entropy of thoughts.


that is, until i get home.


it tends to hit harder when i've been constantly distracting myself or pretending that its fine to be entertaining for others, and finally being alone exposes the vulnerability of my mind, distasteful figures come out of the dark to bludgeon my brain and send me down at least ten times harder than usual. i infer that similar to traumas i've forgotten and later been hit with hard, if one ignores their feelings they become harder to deal with. sort of like never reading email. and i never read email. it's gotten to the point that if i wanted to clean my mailbox, i probably couldn't do it in a day trying to filter important stuff from subscription mail.


48,781


the amount of mail i have opened. the amount of thoughts i've been ignoring. it just becomes too much to deal with if you keep ignoring it.


change the number of emails to the number on the scale and its the same thing. i've been trying to quiet my disordered thoughts, but they still win when i take an hour to get ready just because i'm looking in the mirror at the abomination in front of me, borderline teary.


i've been trying to ignore the gain, but stepping on a scale recently has contributed to feeling like 48,781 emails have tangibly formed and left paper cuts all over my brain. there really is no escaping feeling like shit, physically or mentally at the end of the day. eating normally, over-eating, under-eating, they all feel the same to me: shit.


at least if i struggle in the opposite direction that i'm in now, i'll feel like shit but look hot doing it.



how is it almost march? i'm so bad at writing these consistently but i love to write… my sick brain has really been kicking my ass recently
 
#19 ·
tw ending life; a girl i never knew


its been a while since i've been compelled to write anything but i have something serious to reflect on.


my mother works at a very fancy hotel and a few days ago she had this guest with a severely ed plagued daughter. my mom described her as a "cute, sweet girl who looked sick and almost scary," who kept asking my mom for coffee but a specific type, who would only have tea and complained about her weight outwardly to my mom, who tends to be more empathetic and personal towards the guests staying at her hotel.


i don't, didn't know the girl. i know nothing of her situation. i assume her mother either ignored the signs or felt like she was far too gone for help, as it was apparent that she was not receiving any. only wealthy people can afford to stay at the place my mother works at, its four seasons-esque, so if she got treatment it would definitely have been something her family could afford.


i wish i had met her. got the chance to talk, tell her she's not alone. maybe she knew. maybe she was on this website, looming over forums with sunken eyes and hopeless thoughts towards herself and the world.


tonight, she took her own life. at the hotel.


i know nothing about her or her situation so i shouldn't be assuming. i shouldn't be feeling animosity towards her family who was with her at the hotel for vacation, assuming neglect. but i can't help but think that she could be any of us, and the looming thoughts surrounding this girl i had only heard stories of are haunting me.


even though i didn't know her, she deserved so much more.


even though i didn't know her i'm sitting here, wishing i could have done something.


even though i didn't know her, i wish she had a chance to be alive, because when you're that far gone, the definition of alive is just the dictionary telling you that you're breathing and made of carbon.


i will be thinking of her, wishing she at least gained peace in worlds beyond ours.


the scary thing about this illness is that this could happen to any of us. i hope those reading stay safe, as safe as they possibly can.
 
#20 ·
I'm Sorry. Even tho you didn't know her it's perfectly understable why you felt like that.

Poor girl I hope she's okay now that she's in heaven (・へ・)
 
#24 ·
Oh the irony!

I have not written anything out for my blog since the site change, and the one thing I miss so much about the old site is how the blogs were set up. A lot of the text got messed up in the older posts, and show up black? I have to go fix that later.

Nothing of note to talk about today, but I had a rough night. I've also had a rough couple of months, and I think I've just been driven to the wall, unable to climb myself out of it because the wall is flat and covered in oil. Life has been moving oh so quickly and I don't think I have the resources to handle it as I used to. Not like I did that well either, I was mostly faking my way through everything because nobody taught me how to handle my trauma. Unfortunately, not being able to do that made me a terrible person to a handful of people, and I don't like to acknowledge the cycle of "abused turns into abuser", but I can't really do much about it now anyway. I just never let anyone get close to me anymore.

The pandemic years I spent mostly holed up in my room, only leaving to go on walks, I reached my highest weight in 2020 from constantly eating uncontrollably. There was some sort of void I felt that, after years of pouring concrete into it, cracked open, and I was desperately searching for something to fill it with. Something that would give me a "fix" of some sort. All that resulted from that was weight gain and self hatred, which carried onto the years following.

After failing college and being in and out of hospitals, I met someone who has pushed me off a cliff basically. I was giving up on everything, and she really saw something in me that had promise. I don't know if it's her rose-colored glasses or what, because I still fail to see it.

Ever since the beginning of this year, I've been on this journey of "okay, let me see what they have to say."

I went into therapy regularly, started medication, did all the things that would have them label me as "fixed" and useful to society. I'm even going back to school, something I never imagined doing, as I have no passions but the desire to never have existed in the first place. I've probably mentioned it before, but man. The way a "normal life" is set up is just not it, and even if I managed to have an interesting future, I've seen (not all, of course) the options and none of them seem fulfilling past a superficial level.

I even let some people get close to me again. I tried feeling human, tried having emotions, I tried.

Yet it still feels the same. I act like a complete clown idiot on the outside, I'm funny and charming, but to know more of me is like falling into a pit. I'm still hurting those closest to me, I still feel empty, the concrete isn’t pouring out fast enough to seal anything in the void. My emotions still waver and confuse me so I don’t know how to feel, and all the stress is causing me to snap again. I do not like to snap. Post-traumatic stress disorder flashbacks and rage mixed with adhd emotional blunting and meltdowns do not make for a good time.

I wish I could have insight on why things are so hard. Is it because my father abused me until I couldn’t walk? Is it because my mother broke several items by hitting me with them constantly? Is it because my father would ignore my entire existence when I was just a kid asking what’s for dinner? Or maybe it’s the kids from school, calling me fat, making fun of my thrifted clothes, teasing me because I'm the rare double ethnic person in their majority white school. Maybe it was middle school, where kids sent dm's to me telling me to go end it all, or moving in with my alcoholic step-dad who would yell at me for not being able to do anything right?

I wish I wasn’t so dependent on the ones I got close to. I feel like a huge burden to them. Not even my therapist wants to deal with me, as she hasn’t seen me in months, and is now on strike against the shitty hospital system I'm in.

And now, because I let people in, if I feel even an inkling of abandonment I freak out. I feel like a child losing their mom in the store. Like a kitten who’s been ditched in a box by the dumpster. Like everyone is telling me that I deserve all the bad things I've ever had happen to me, that everyone leaves me in the end, that I'm a horrible excuse of a "human" being. I am 21, but I really just am a tall child. I aged backwards, having to grow up too fast only to have never grown at all.

Point of this journal is to say that I drank way too much cough syrup mixed with other things and hoped I wouldn’t wake up today. The point here is that I woke up and have to keep going again, with the 0.0001% of me saying that I should have hope. The point of this is that my arm, my leg hurts, because I was so inebriated that I found a pair of scissors and wanted to make sure the job was done. The point of this is that my boyfriend called me, and even though he’s upset by my recent actions, yelled at me because he’s scared that something awful might happen to me and it’ll be torturous to him because he cares about me.

The last point?

My ed is the only thing I wake up excited for. And I lost a pound this morning. Isn’t that funny? I guess I have to stick around to see myself slowly decompose. It’s still suicidal, just passively. The slow ride, I guess. And maybe theres a chance that I get to feel genuinely confident and want to stick around for longer. I don't know.

For now, I will go back to reviewing protein bars, because apparently at least one person cares about that thread, and i'm still here to do it lmao uhhh idk if people read blogs here as much because i hate the new format of blogs oh my god
 
#25 ·
My Literal College Class Project That I Was Proud Of But Can't Tell Anyone About Why I Am Proud Of It So I Will Put It Here

Background:
My professor was nice enough to actually offer alternatives to this project (for biology) because of people like us, but I was too scared to just go up to him and say "hurr durr i have eating issues". Like a responsible person I just threw it to the back of my mind and said "hey, I can lie about logging my food intake, no big deal!", but I started panicking when I finally began the project and then decided to just be honest.

Premise:
This project required students to log their food on mfp for two weeks and write a report on it based on this outline etc etc if ur reading this (I doubt anyone will tbh) you’ll see it lol. It talks about food and nutrients and shit so obvious tw and also a tw for my attempt at humor in writing and also for bad grammar ok coo


Nutrition Project

Paragraph 1: Introduction to the assignment/Explain what you did in the assignment. Why do you suppose this project was picked as the class assignment?


First of all, I would like to apologize. Both to myself and to the instructor. I executed an oversight; the abstract voices in my cacophonic brain all said the same thing in unison, “Lie.” And so, I brushed off my feelings to spare my ego, thinking I could just get this done and pass off as a normal human doing normal human things. This turned out to be insurmountably impossible, and it became too late for me to muster up any ounce of courage to consult anyone (you) about it.

So. The English version of the previous paragraph is: I have an eating disorder. I wanted to oh-so desperately hide and log meals that seemed normal, but even that proved difficult as I already use several apps to track what I eat quite meticulously. Despite this, I have decided to go ahead and display the “warts and all” of how I exist in a project. Will I regret it? Perhaps. Will it be unnecessarily lengthy and grueling to read? Possibly. Did I think about this before spilling out mountains of prose? Yes, but I have a feeling that the other submissions will be significantly shorter, so this might be the only one that stands absurdly at seven feet tall. Have I thought about getting a terrible grade because of this? Yes. Haunting.

Perhaps the intimate anecdotal evidence into a disorder will be something to hold your interest, like some sort of first-hand case study. And not to worry; I am aware that this whole thing might be cause for concern, but I am in treatment for this, among many other things. Progress takes time, and being honest about things (albeit, maybe not in the best way here) could be a step in the right direction. Be warned, for many details are present, not like they haven't been described on the internet, but still.

Now to move on, I believe this assignment was chosen in particular to maybe shine some awareness about an area many people don’t really think much of in college. I mean, we all know that:
  • Parties = alcohol in copious amounts, pizza, snack food
  • Poor time management = “easy breakfast” (e.g. the nearest drive-thru), no breakfast, prescription breakfast, chips for breakfast
  • Lack of quality sleep → increase in cortisol levels → eating more (or sometimes less) than usual since cravings for foods high in “easy energy” increase
  • Drugs (just keeping it “real”, as they say) can increase appetite exponentially or decrease/suppress appetite exponentially

Throw all of that together and combine it with the expectations of being a student; a heterogeneous mixture of chaos. Since you're finally free-ish and trying to balance many new life concepts for the first time, I wouldn't imagine nutrition being seen as a priority for many during college. In many younger people in general, health might be sitting on the backburner of the mind, even if having mindful habits early on might improve how one ages in the long run.

Paragraph 2: Discuss/analyze what the food guide suggests for your required daily serving of food. What types of foods could you eat to accomplish those food categories? Compare your diet to the Healthy Eating Plate. Were your results good or could you use improvements (if improvements- what areas were you lacking on?), what could you do to improve your eating habits, and did you watch what you ate because you knew it was being recorded? About what percentage of your diet comes from processed food, and what percentage of your diet comes from food that was entirely homemade.

The Healthy Eating Plate suggests portions of vegetables, fruits, whole grains, healthy protein, healthy oils, and water to be the basis for a healthy meal. They also suggest staying active alongside consuming the balanced nutrition on the plate figure. As for me, I am only passing in the “water” portion of the Healthy Eating Plate, and I must say that it is staring at me in disdain as I analyze my habits.

Whole grains - I am gluten (and lactose, and egg) intolerant so I avoid wheat and grains as much as possible. Oatmeal is gross, I am sorry for having strong oat opinions but it reminds me of mucus. F-.
  • Whole grains are foods with whole wheat, barley, oats, rye, and buckwheat (?). Whole wheat breads, granolas, or cereals are foods that could satisfy this requirement.

Fruits and vegetables - If I buy any fresh food I will simply abandon the mere idea of it existing. (Not on purpose; I have adhd.) At least some fungi get to enjoy a good meal in the fridge, am I right? I am also lazy. Cooking is just standing with extra steps and I already do not want to be standing for longer than I have to at work. It is fun to cook though, and I enjoy it on occasions but not on a daily basis. F-.
  • Fruits and vegetables include cucumber, tomato, lettuce, spinach, kale, strawberry, blueberry, and the likes. I could add more of these via snacking on them, blending them in a smoothie, or putting them in something else like strawberry pancakes or a fruit parfait, which would fit into most of these groups.

Healthy protein - I do enjoy the occasional sardine, but most of my protein sources, which is most of what I eat, come from powders and flavored rectangular prisms encased in foil. Delicious. I will sometimes eat a burger, but very rarely. This is probably a C- score, which is better than the two above.
  • Healthy proteins include proteins from lean meats, fish, eggs, milk, cheese (low-fat, probably), and other animal products, but there are plant-based options as well, like soy. I could put some soy milk into whole grain cereal, or eat more sardines.

Healthy oils - I am scared of eating oil. I dislike the mouthfeel, especially if I drink water afterwards. I need some acid (like a soda… phosphoric acid) to rinse that weird feeling off. It might be in foods I eat, but since they are packaged I don’t really have to interact with the oil too much. F-.
  • Healthy oils include olive oil, vegetable oil, and other plant based oils (except for coconut). I could put some olive oil and balsamic vinaigrette on a whole grain baguette, if that exists, if my gluten intolerance didn't exist. Cooking with them is an option too, but I dislike oil quite strongly as stated above.

Water - I drink at least four bottles of water a day. This is my only A+ category, let me have my moment to shine.
  • Water includes…… water. I think water quality might be important, and I try to get electrolyte powders or other things to help my body absorb the water more than just filtering it out immediately.

Yes. My results could improve. I lacked in almost every area except for the delicious and refreshing covalent bond between hydrogen and oxygen (H2O to be specific, not H2O2). I ate what I normally ate, but I know I could improve my habits, and my therapist is supposed to be helping with that. I also could make more time to cook things, but I barely have time to do things I like in my free time anymore, so that would be tough. I like fruits a lot, but sometimes it's “too old” or it has a funky spot and I get freaked out. Cutting strawberries takes me more time than the average person, as I use the smallest knife to cut off all the weird spots. They would rot, I mean, be consumed by fungi in the fridge anyway. I would have to think this over.

Processed Food - 100%

Homemade Food - 0%

I would rather not speak on this one. I already feel the tinge of embarrassment from the Healthy Food Plate, let me enjoy my Polar Covalent Bonded Beverage that comes with amazing properties of cohesion, capillarity, adhesion, and more, and my packaged food in the shape of a rectangular prism (encased in foil, of course).

Paragraph 3: Discuss your exercise habits, looking back at your 2-week log. Do you think you are getting enough exercise for what you are eating? Are you getting at least 30 minutes in a day? What areas are you working to improve with your daily exercise?

There is nil. Nada. Pandora's box is as confusing as this question, as enigmatic as the mere concept of me getting proper exercise.

I used to do track and field, but there are a plethora of factors keeping me from getting back into it. I do not think I even eat enough to consider exercising as something that is necessary. I know it has benefits, but I never got them anyway - the curse of anemia. Instead of a runner’s high I collapse immediately. I have passed out in the shower before because it was too hot! This barrier of entry is tough. I did, however, manage to get through a few years of high school track and field while getting really close to the sports-med people and always being covered in tape.

Actually, last year I got an elliptical machine for my house. (edit: totally not for ulterior motives !!!) Going to the gym gives me anxiety, so I saved up for the gym at home. Where it can be nice and cool, and where I can pick the show to watch instead of watching some gym employee scrolling through the same five channels. The issue is time, mostly. There is no time. And 30 minutes isn't too long, but I prioritized having at least some personal time over exercise this year.

Paragraph 4: What did you learn about your own diet and exercise by doing this project?

Nothing newfound or particularly exciting, really. I already track everything I eat, measuring things with a food scale if I have to too. This was a normal thing I already did that turned into a project. Well, besides using MFP. My account got hacked in 2018, so I use a different app now.

I also learned that the Healthy Food Plate is probably disappointed in me. I pretty much only eat the same handful of foods on rotation for a long while until I get sick of them.

Paragraph 5: Conclusion

All in all, my case presents pretty unique, doesn’t it? I am not trying to be a snowflake, really. I was too anxious to even inquire about an alternative project; my constant passive nature and glass ego got the best of me. I already know what I have to improve on, and so does my dietitian. I may not be the pinnacle of health here, and I may be suffering from forces as severe as a hurricane in my brain every passing day. Sure, this makes it difficult to have healthy relationships with not only food, but other things as well, but it means something if I'm still here, I guess. However, I can say that I drink plenty of water, and most people have a hard time even doing just that. I love the stuff. I mean, I should, since I am about 70% of it. I can also say that being aware of dietary choices at a young age could set someone up for better health and longevity in the long run. That just makes sense.

It also makes sense if the person reading this has gotten slightly frustrated with the length and lack of conciseness of this project; I do recall that there’s a lot going on on your end, and grading is probably a pain.

CARBOHYDRATES:

What percentage of your diet should come from Carbohydrates?


45-65%

What is the difference between simple carbohydrates and complex Carbohydrates?

Simple carbs = mono-, di-, oligo- saccharides; complex carbs = polysaccharides

Simple carbohydrates are “the bad guys”, the fructose, glucose, bread, candy type of carbohydrates, and complex carbohydrates are “the good guys”, found in whole and unprocessed foods like fruits and vegetables, whole grain oats, and beans, among other sources. Fibers and starches are complex carbohydrates.

I prepare for a triathlon. The night before the event, which should I consume; simple or complex carbohydrates? Why?

Complex carbohydrates; they take longer to be broken down in the body and fill up glycogen stores for the body to use later on, in this case the next morning.

During the event, what should I consume; Simple or complex carbohydrates? Why?

During the event, simple carbohydrates (and electrolytes, I learned when on the track team) are going to help the body have an immediate energy source to replenish itself quickly.

What role and functions do Nutrient Dense Carbohydrates play in the body?

Nutrient dense carbohydrates provide the body with a good amount of nutrients as well as complex carbohydrates, essentially giving the body energy and things required to process that energy at the same time.

What Nutrient Dense Carbohydrates (carb-based foods that also give lots of nutrients) do you find that you consume frequently?

I do eat some prepackaged heart of palm rice, which is a vegetable that has low net carbs and a lot of fiber. I’m not sure if this qualifies, but the canned soups I eat (Amy’s Lentil Vegetable Soup in particular) contain vegetables such as beans, tomatoes, and carrots.

What Nutrient Empty Carbohydrates do if you consume frequently? These are the carb-based empty calories, ie. beer or hostess snacks

Most of the food I eat has a low net carb count, or is more focused on protein. Even my favorite candy (Lily’s Sugar free Gummy Worms) is mostly fiber, and microwave popcorn is a whole grain, high carb snack, but it also has nutrients like fiber. I eat a lot of Jello, but it is sugar free and has 0g carbs. Not sure if any fit here; if it is a sweet food I will get the sugar-free version (yay for sugar alcohols), and if it’s a salty food I probably avoid it.

What are Simple Carbohydrates and name several disadvantages of eating a diet rich in simple carbs?

Monosaccharides:
  • Glucose
  • Fructose
  • Galactose
Disaccharides:
  • Sucrose
  • Lactose
  • Maltose
Eating a diet rich in simple carbs would make you fatigued constantly, since the body would only depend on the available energy provided by food. To not be constantly fatigued, you’d have to consume a lot of these foods… a lot. They can cause obesity and heart disease, along with diabetes. Diabetes affects how you process energy because the body’s insulin response gets too overwhelmed to deal with the amount of simple sugars in the body, causing high blood sugar.

Name specific Simple Carbs that you should avoid or eat in moderation.

The added sugars to processed foods are ones that should be avoided or moderated. They include:
  • High-fructose corn syrup: the stuff in sodas, candies, and other sweets that contribute empty calories and spike blood sugar.
  • Brown sugar or raw sugar: high amounts of these added to baked goods and other sweet items can do the same. Cakes, cookies, etc. These ones are usually marketed as being “raw” and “natural”, which attempt to target the “health-focused” group. Ironic.
Name specific sources of Complex Carbs that could be found in your diet.

I eat a lot of foods high in fiber and low in net carbs such as:
  • Fiber One Brownies
  • Quest Protein bars
  • Lilys’ Sugar Free Sour Gummy Worms
  • Heart of Palm (riced): a vegetable with only 2g net carbs for one serving, hiding behind loads of fiber and nutrients

FATS: (edit: omg a whole section about me !! /j)

What roles and functions do fat play in the body?

Fats constitute an important part of cellular structure by creating the phospholipid bilayer that makes up the cell membrane!!! Not only are fats essential on the cellular level, they are also functionally important…. on the cellular level. Stored fat from extra calorie intake can be used as energy when the body has run out of immediate power; e.g. the burger that was eaten for lunch has been used up. This is also how weight loss works: to lose the fat stored in the body one has to burn more calories than they eat.

Fats are also important for proper absorption of nutrients. Some vitamins are fat soluble, meaning that without fat acting as a transporter (is this the proper term?), the vitamins will be rendered useless in the body and be processed like it never existed. There are water soluble and fat soluble vitamins, the fat soluble ones being: A, E, K, and D. They are stored in the fat within the body until they need to be processed for use. Vitamin D gets synthesized by sunlight exposure to the skin, for example.

Eating unsaturated fats can also help lower bad cholesterol levels.

What percentage of your diet should come from fat? _____unsaturated fat? _ and saturated fat?_ What type of fat should we avoid and is considered the most unhealthy? ___

About 25-35% of your diet should come from fat; only 5-10% of it should be saturated fat (fat that can stay solid at room temperature), while the rest can be unsaturated fats (fats that are liquid at room temperature), such as monounsaturated or polyunsaturated fats. The fat to avoid: Trans fat.

Name 6 examples of Saturated Fat?

Butter, lard, coconut oil, palm oil, dairy products such as ice cream and cheese, and fatty meats.

Name 6 Examples of Unsaturated Fat?

Olive, canola, and vegetable oil, nuts, seeds, salmon, and avocado.

Name Specific examples of fats that you should avoid or eat in moderation?

My consumption of saturated fats is on the higher end. I tend to only eat pre-packaged foods, because I know what's in them (mostly, I believe companies are allowed to be off by ~20% with nutrition labels) compared to eating a home cooked meal from someone else. The drawback is that packaged foods often have higher saturated fat content for longer shelf life and better flavoring.

This package label, for example, belongs to one of the foods I eat all the time. Almost daily when I can find it in stock, actually.



I underlined the ingredient (hopefully the only one, I think) that would be considered saturated fat (palm oil). There might only be 1.5g of it, but most of the food I eat is packaged and processed, so most of my fat consumption comes from saturated fats. (edit: i review'd this its the strawberry legendary tasty pastry lmao)


Eating disorders often focus on fat consumption.

Define the following in terms of eating disorders:

Anorexia:

edit: i meant dsm 5 and omg roman numerals oops

This is something I can define without needing to cite any source but my own brain, but I will cite some anyway, for added “logos”. The clinical definition of anorexia nervosa is characterized by:

  • Lack of appetite or constant attempts to reduce appetite
  • Obsession with weight, measurements, and appearance
  • Intentional reduced intake of food, avoidance of food due to fear of weight gain
  • Noticeable weight loss: the DSM-IV lists several BMI categories:
    • (taken from the DSM-IV)
  • Dysmorphic attitude towards the body, even at clinically low weights
I personally dislike this definition. There are several subtypes of anorexia nervosa, and one that is called “atypical anorexia” is the same disorder symptomatically, minus the BMI category requirement. This can be incredibly invalidating and make those suffering at any size only feel motivated to get worse. As a mental disorder, I don’t think a physical requirement should be necessary to get the diagnosis, and it creates competition among an already competitive group of individuals. Even people with “failed” attempts of getting to the results of this disorder need help, as their thinking has already proven that they have an unhealthy relationship with food.

There are two habitual subtypes of anorexia: (edit: i would bettttt that theres more. like way more.)
  • AN-BP (binge-purge): the patient goes through periods of all the symptoms listed above, but will engage in binge-eating (the uncontrollable, impulsive urge to eat copious amounts of food in one or more sittings), followed by purging (getting rid of the food by throwing up, using laxatives, fasting, or excessively working out).
  • AN-R (restrictive): the patient does not partake in any of the binge-purge habits
Not in the DSM-IV is Orthorexia, a type of anorexia that mainly focuses on eating as “clean” as possible. This subtype would definitely focus on fat intake while navigating their diet. I’ve been through many forums and talked to people in hospitals so I know this much is true: everyone experiences anorexia differently. Some people eat a few candy bars and call it a day, and others are crafting the most palatable oil-free, gluten free, butter free, dairy free, sugar free meal they can while using volume eating to make the meal seem large but keep the calories small. There exists a stigma of anorexics: skinny, only eats fruit, drinks coffee, etc. This simply isn’t true, and many people in this group do eat food. It May be via binge eating, or maybe by not cutting their intake as low as possible, but getting nutrients is getting nutrients when it can be difficult to even think about doing so in the first place.

To me, this disorder is hell.

Lose a bunch of weight still feel inadequate, overeat out of emotional challenge, feel distraught by the perceived corpulence of the soon-to-be corpse, binge again, feel worse, lose more weight, get hooked up to tubes, put in a place that makes you feel crazier than before, leave traumatized and start all over again.

Not only does the vicious cycle of the “food circle of hell” perpetually haunt me and my thoughts, it affects every aspect of my life. For example:

Friends want to go out to eat? What should I do?
  1. Eat nothing until then
  2. Make up an excuse
I had to leave the University (of redacted west coast state and large city even if its like famous lol) because I was in the hospital for a lot of it. These disorders are serious and awful, isolating, and life-threatening. This project could make people see the dangers of eating too little; how malnutrition (even through unaware habits) can affect a person. If it matters, yes, I am doing better; after a year and a half of being a ghost I am going to college again, meeting new people, and finding joys in things. I got ice cream with some people from this class the other day. Things are good. (edit: this kinda spiralled me into a massive month long binge n i have been absolutely destroyed bc of it)

Bulimia:

Bulimia Nervosa is classified as:
  • Partaking in sessions of binge eating
  • Repeated attempts to get rid of the contents consumed in the session (edit: yall, get ur electrolytes in)
  • Body image greatly influences the above two points
I already defined the terms here in “anorexia - binge-purge subtype”, and bulimia is very similar to that, without the pervasive anorexia criteria symptoms. One thing I did not do is specify the amount of food in a binge session, which is clinically defined as the lack of control in a 2hr window, according to the DSM-IV, over food portions larger than what most people would eat in that same timeframe. There is also a tendency to eat foods one normally would not eat, as the impulse is driving the individual strongly.

PROTEINS:

What role and function does Protein play in your body?


Proteins, my favorite nutrient, are made of amino acids. They have many functions:
  • Muscle repair and maintenance
  • Enzyme function (enzymes are catalysts that speed up reactions, and I did this last week in my lab class using catalase!)
    • The lactase enzyme (I do not have this) digests milk, which contains lactose. Without the lactase enzyme, people are lactose intolerant and have trouble digesting milk. I will not elaborate on this “trouble”.
  • Steroids and hormone production
  • Provides energy when sources run out (source: we discussed sore muscles and lactic acid formation in class)
  • Benefits cosmetic appearance; collagen is a protein that is a large part of skin and bone structure, (source: my mom takes collagen powder) and the keratin protein is a large part of nail and hair structure (source: I use keratin shampoo).
  • Transports things like nutrients (source: that video we saw in class of the little guy dragging a vesicle in a cell)
Name 10 examples of protein rich foods?

Greek yogurt, cheese, meats, fish, protein supplement drinks, protein powders, and protein bars, (things I eat a lot), nuts, eggs, beans, milk, and soy.

Based on your activity level and weight, how many grams of protein do you need a day?

Using this formula for recommended protein intake (for a sedentary person, because I do not work out) from Mayo Clinic: (0.8g protein)(kg body weight) = (0.8g)(redacted) = redacted protein per day.


Bibliography

Admin. “Carbohydrates - Classification & Examples of Carbohydrates.” BYJUS, BYJU'S, 14 Jan. 2021, Carbohydrates - Classification & Examples of Carbohydrates.

Amanda. “What to Eat before a Race: Best Carbs for Performance and Digestion.” RunToTheFinish, 20 Sept. 2022, What to Eat Before a Race: Best Carbs for Performance and Digestion.

Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders: DSM-IV. American Psychiatric Assoc., 2000.

Dolson, Laura. “The Macronutrients Your Body Needs Most.” Verywell Fit, Verywell Fit, 27 Sept. 2022, https://www.verywellfit.com/macronutrients-2242006#toc-how-to-balance-macronutrients.

Dutchen, Stephanie. “What Do Fats Do in the Body?” National Institute of General Medical Sciences, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, 15 Dec. 2010, National Institute of General Medical Sciences.

Fischer, Maria. Gainful, Gainful.

Hussar, April Daniels. “How to Decode the Ingredient List on Packaged Foods.” SELF, SELF, 9 Sept. 2011, How to Decode the Ingredient List on Packaged Foods.

Kristi Wempen, R.D.N. “Are You Getting Too Much Protein?” Mayo Clinic Health System, Mayo Clinic Health System, 29 Apr. 2022, Are you getting too much protein?.

Mayo Clinic Staff. “Choose Your Carbs Wisely.” Mayo Clinic, Mayo Foundation for Medical Education and Research, 22 Mar. 2022, Choose your carbs wisely.

Reddy, Priya, and Ishwarlal Jialal. “Biochemistry, Fat Soluble Vitamins.” National Library of Medicine, 20 Sept. 2021, Biochemistry, Fat Soluble Vitamins - StatPearls - NCBI Bookshelf.

Rush, Tom. “15 Healthy High-Carb Foods.” Medical News Today, MediLexicon International, 15 healthy high-carb foods.

“Types of Fat.” The Nutrition Source, Harvard School of Public Health, 24 July 2018, Types of Fat.

Walle, Gavin Van De. “Simple Sugars (Simple Carbs): Definition, Lists, and Risks.” Healthline, Healthline Media, 7 Jan. 2019, Simple Sugars (Simple Carbs): Definition, Lists, and Risks
 
#26 ·
im thinking about like. flaws. like acne. like having it as an adult. like,


i spend countless hours in front of the mirror.

stuck, staring, disassociated, barely even breathing, jaw clenched. i am picking at my face.

i try to not do this too often, as executing such behavior would write me another checkmark in the dsm, not to mention the time it takes away from doing literally anything else. you know what i could be doing? maybe some skincare research, maybe putting on a face mask, maybe using some of the products i buy and never use. maybe i could ignore the impulse and get on with studying, homework, being productive, maybe i can stop adding more scars to dement my already demented brain when it sees more flaws.

so, i tried to think about it differently. face-wise, at least.

body image is an issue. i say this with certainty, as a statement, because i'm sure many people here have the same qualms as i do. i was not blessed with nice skin. i will talk about it more in detail.... later. my face, however, is horrid. its textured, endowed with tiny bumps in every pore. i try to squeeze out some and they return the next day. okay!

my skin scars so easily too, and the amount of black spots on my face make me wish i could wear a mask every day. (i actually used to in school before the big transmission happened, out of insecurity.)

it sucks me in, each spot like a black hole, making my fingers want to peel my entire dermal layer off by body. the acne burns bright red against medium skin, and i cant help but pick at it, knowing that i’m making it worse.

the thing about people who “let the intrusive thoughts win” is that they don’t get the difference between


compulse, impulse, intrusive


sure. was it impulsive to dye your hair at 2 am? yes. have i done that? yeah, two days ago in fact. its red. like auburn. like ginger but we don’t have to talk about that. the point here is that intrusive thoughts tend to accompany disorders, and i got stuck with different facets of obsessive-compulsive disorder. its not so much “intrusive” as much as there is genuine fear i hold in my mind if i don’t !!! do !!! this thing !!!

then i do the thing.

does it make me feel better? no. honestly, doing any ocd thing makes me feel worse. grotesque, even. is it rational to be obsessed with things being smooth? no. is my face covered in scars from spending hours upon hour in the bathroom making myself bleed to no satisfactory avail? yes. is it hard having dermatillomania? yeah. i would love to take back those hours and put them towards bonding with friends, family, improving myself, studying, doing hobbies, you name it.

but alas,

its hard, and embarrassing, yet common enough for me to have seen it in other people. “its too embarrassing for me to get it looked at, though.” is the general consensus of many ocd spectrum activities. if i told my psych that i used to pace around the living room at 1:10 am as a child in fear that if i don’t, someone would break in and murder everyone, would they think i’m nuts? i know the answer is no, but honestly, the fear is still there.

point of this is to say that maybe its time to stop, but since ocd is a structural disorder, there really is no cure. nobody can just alter someones brain structure enough to fix something, even if you build connections and increase the amount of (color) matter needed to alleviate some of the symptoms. alzheimer's patients are encouraged to learn new things, but even the new connections only help for a little bit.

for my face, at least, i had an idea. what if i thought about acne as a positive thing? catch myself in the midst of an episode, try to come back to planet earth when i’m zoned out in the throws of my brain on autopilot saying “smoothsmoothsmoothsmooth whyisitnot smoothandperfect???”

so i’m here to argue to myself about acne. sure, mine is weird. but i am twenty one. and guess what?

people usually think acne is a teenage thing, and not an adult thing. so point number one, it makes people look younger. the skin is all shiny and oily, there’s a tightness to it, it feels so…. pubescent. honestly i was under the impression that post puberty would lead to my final escape from this facial hell, but it did not. and i should appreciate that i still get mistaken as a teen when buying stuff with a card or meeting new people at uni.

point number two is a bit hard to look at, but the scars. with my skin being literally pelted in them, it almost looks like i just have tons of freckles. yeah, i do want the smooth glass skin, and being half asian doesn’t help when i see all these beauty standards and perfect looking people from that culture. but hey, freckles aren’t bad, and i find them cute when they’re natural, so why cant they be cute when they’re just tiny little scars? they go away slowly over time anyway, like stars that burn out over millions of years. there's a galaxy on my face.

another point is that i should honestly be grateful about how oily my skin is. even though makeup is a nuisance for me and will always be on this skin type, it tends to keep people younger looking in the long term. and i should calm down and think about using some of the products i’ve been holding onto for years next time i go into a frenzy.

but for now, something about trying to live with it sounds perfectly, yet imperfectly adequate.
 
#27 ·
idk what this one is but

i've never felt like i could label myself as a "good person".

am i actively being a piece of shit on purpose, to wreck havoc onto my boring little world?

not really.

my ed definitely exacerbates how much of a piece of shit i am, im afraid. i've always been the kind of person to never really expose my true morals, them being more in a grey area than pure white. i know what's considered to be mostly good, so i'll pretend to go along with that side to appease and appear normal to others.

now i'm not going to say that i'm blatantly fatphobic or skinnyphobic, because my ed makes judgement only onto myself really. i don't care about other's looks unless they're in certain positions. say, a chef making my meal should look tidy as opposed to being extremely unkempt and a health hazard personified.

however, there are a plethora of intrusive thoughts brought forth by my fucked ed talking up space in the brain attic. especially when it comes to my job.

working in food makes me feel so... split. on one hand, if a customer comes in to get a large shake, i'll probably judge them, appearance and all, and feel a slight power trip since im giving people calories. on the other hand, i'm practically oozing jealousy, no matter what they look like, because i'll never be able to enjoy a large shake or a sundae without feeling immense guilt over it later on. they usually look happier than me anyway, i am in no place to think these things.

still, i can't help but have those thoughts about others, ones i won't openly share because i know it would be wrong to. i just know other people have these unspoken thoughts, and they should remain unspoken upon remembering that everyone subjected to them are still human, with their own thoughts and feelings.

it's the worst when it comes to children though, especially since i lust after the idea of being a child again, since i grew up too quickly. being so small and fragile is another thing i just envy incredibly, feeling helpless and cared for, alive with youth and hope for the world.

(apologies to any children i've just literally stared at. i'm not creepy, i promise! just envious of your legs most likely. yikes. i really wish i appreciated my scrawny self more back then)

that kind of thinking is so disgusting. why do i want to look like i'm 10?

the judgemental side of me is honestly quite nonsensical, since i'll observe other's food choices and amounts. i feel a slight sense of superiority when my mom or my skinny friend eats more cals than me. i cannot help but tally their numbers, guesstimating values in my head.

nevertheless, i know that slight sense of superiority means jack shit when i'm still larger in size compared to many of them.

not only do the random intrusive thoughts run rampant, but starving doesn't exactly make someone a nice person. in fact, the sheer irritability that comes with being malnourished has hurt so many people, intentionally or not. i see it from an outsider's perspective; whenever my family diets they get grouchy and irritated, only motivated to continue from the giddiness equivalent to opening a christmas present.... that comes from seeing a smaller number in the morning.

i broke down recently, when my dad told me that im "hard to talk to". my mom will sometimes not reply to something i say to her face, and apparently its for the same reason. there's so much that goes into this, like my abusive upbringing, ptsd breakdowns, adhd "can't think before speaking"; nevertheless it makes me feel incredibly ostracized. it's hard for me to keep long term friendships, relationships, anything, and it's not like i'm oblivious to the fact. my parents notice when i hang out with 15 different people in the span of five months.

it sucks. i feel almost subhuman this way. i did not dive into the master-list of wrongdoings i have committed, but it's so isolating feeling like a pathetic excuse for a person. to be honest, i love genuine connection and getting to know others, but that's a steep hill to climb when you're "hard to talk to" i suppose.

loneliness is near equivalent to suicide. it can drive people mad, drive them to do what they can to escape the relentless feeling of being like the lone grass that grows in a crack within the concrete.

i have unstable attachment. unsurprisingly. i will freak out if someone even thinks about leaving me, but honestly i've acquainted myself with the phrase "everyone leaves me in the end." its not false, ive pretty much gone through a rotating cast of friends, unsure why they pay no attention to me. even when i left them first, nobody tried contacting me again.

perhaps im just tone deaf or something, unaware from always being disassociated, too oblivious to know that im doing the wrong things. sometimes i feel it on here too. the members who are "too cool" to look at my posts, or interact back if i say something, the fear of saying something and having everyone hate me for it, whatnot. i have no idea how anyone on this site perceives me from the text i've spewed out of my stupid brain.

i'll try not to think about it too hard as i keep waxing poetic (albeit shittily), because i do love being here. makes me feel a bit less alone, and a bit less like a piece of shit.
 
#28 ·
random rant bc

god. i hate being so fucking nervous for literally the most basic things that people do all the time. its the first day of spring semester, im sitting in class right now and i havent talked to anyone at all. like, i guess that might be attributed to my self conscious, nervous, disassociated demeanor at the moment, but i find it difficult to do anything but shut down when i feel like this. my old partner walked in with a friend and didnt say hi, i had no real opportunity to have a conversation with anyone, and the person who sat next to me (my new partner, as it works in labs) is someone... i hate to say it but i don't think we would get along too well. there's nothing wrong with them, he just seems more antisocial and awkward until you mention computers to him, which isn't really my thing. all he talked about today to the class was it and nasa programs he went to, but he's otherwise socially.... unsocialed. there's another kid like him in class and i have no idea why they didn't partner up since they talked 😭 idk. is this mean? i just want to be able to like..... make a friend idk

the only person i talked to was my professor after class because we talked a lot last semester 🥲 but i don't know, i just felt inadequate and ghost-like all over again. i shut down so fast after i felt like that, especially since i was so anxious coming to this class in the first place

unfortunately its the last day of my diet (accountability link) and honestly ive been not eating much on it because i dont think i lost anything. my period is late so im really not sure if the lack of progress is from the bloat being there STILL? or if its something else... anyway im fucking tired i was hoping to have at leaaaat a nice first day back after such a bleak and isolating winter break, but now im eating candy bags from the vending machine in the car like an idiot. so much for "lets not binge at the end of this" and etc etc

i'm just fat and lonely i guess and the only reason i'm writing this is because my bf is tired of being the only person hearing about my bullshit. apparently he was upset because we hadnt talked in a bit (my fault for isolating) and was harsher, but he asked for at least some positive thoughts from my end and i really have none atm and i feel like a whole failure. maybe im just weak and have no self control or something. idk anymore

it gets harder to want to exist anymore every day, i'm tired of not feeling alive
 
#30 · (Edited)
recently my mind has been toying around with repetitive thought, wandering to the same wonder over and over.

this website has been serving as a placement, a replacement, for having friends, people to talk to, a place to air my thoughts while feeling good about the occasional reaction or view count update.

as unique and borderline parasocial as forums are, i keep wasting minutes and hours among words from people from around corners of the planet i would never dream of going to. unfortunately some being has bestowed the curse of abandonment upon me, and the current era i saw through rosy lenses has crumbled to fall into the same depreciating cycle.

pity bestowed upon myself from myself is useless. i acknowledge some of this being my own fault, withdrawing when my brain perceives something wrong despite it being false, or forgetting to keep connections when im feeling overwhelmed are both my own doing. i'm a wanderer, nomadic, disappearing and resurfacing at any given moment for any given time span. i hate myself for it.

trying hard to connect early on just lead to learning the definition of alien, as i was improperly socialized; lonely and with abusive influences. it took trial and error, yet all i could do in the end to appear not so strange was to capitalize on it. make jokes, humor, shock people with anything, something. then they take interest. this interest was lost on me, a slightly taller child playing some kind of performance will never fill the hole that longs for the validation of being seen.

seen, looked at, glanced at, liked, loved,

all words that are similar to each other, no? the nuances are made more profound when finding friends as i, people who love the weird and bizarre you brought to them but refrain from sending an invite to do anything outside of the usual environment. how many birthdays i missed, hearing my friends talk about it while i had to cower and wonder why the whole group went except for me. being known and popularized in a large high school full of people who wouldn't blink an eye at me if i wanted more meaningful interaction than a "hey, let's get stoned in the city"

the pattern continues, as i built a shell to keep people out and from hurting me. losing everyone i thought felt as mutually connected as i, even for a brief second, was my personal agony.

i am daft to have taken a hammer to it

everyone will leave me in the end


the memories i cling onto which only exist between me and the other party, will be forgotten to time as soon as we perish.

memories which i opened myself up for, which lessened the influence of my manipulation and need for façades to keep people around, memories i ended up genuinely caring for out of finally feeling seen as human for the first time.

memory is a precious thing and so is time, which i tend to waste before getting to the point of anything i choose to write.

old users, unregistered users, guest profiles. where are they? sometimes i'm up late, filling through threads after thread in order to solve some dilemma i have acquired. instead of finding answers, i only grow melancholy thinking about them.

last seen: 2015

"woo! another pound! lets do this"


where are they now? what memories of the site did they have? the nostalgia that i do not even possess keeps brewing as i look at old memories, old users, old conversations. seeing some end tragically makes me wonder how many inactive members on this site are long gone from their lives, the only thing left behind for me to see being their cries for help and camaraderie amongst others similar. who was here for fun and got bored? who simply forgot all the small interactions that helped them through the years? the little connections made that are mostly minute yet can be some of the most comforting interactions; isolation from hiding a variety of brain sick is suddenly gone upon chatting with others alike yourself.

i just wonder where people go, where they are, what they felt or thought. it might not be important to others, as everyone's lives are universes containing multitudes of planets to keep in orbit. i, however, wonder what it was like, feeling the expansion of inner worlds, feeling the collision of microcosms connecting and making something new before dying out like a star. i wonder, because i have yet to have any collisions to change, i want to feel vicariously through another what it might feel like to truly be a person with other people
 
#31 ·
recently my mind has been toying around with repetitive thought, wandering to the same wonder over and over.

this website has been serving as a placement, a replacement, for having friends, people to talk to, a place to air my thoughts while feeling good about the occasional reaction or view count update.

as unique and borderline parasocial as forums are, i keep wasting minutes and hours among words from people from around corners of the planet i would never dream of going to. unfortunately some being has bestowed the curse of abandonment upon me, and the current era i saw through rosy lenses has crumbled to fall into the same depreciating cycle.

pity bestowed upon myself from myself is useless. i acknowledge some of this being my own fault, withdrawing when my brain perceives something wrong despite it being false, or forgetting to keep connections when im feeling overwhelmed are both my own doing. i'm a wanderer, nomadic, disappearing and resurfacing at any given moment for any given time span. i hate myself for it.

trying hard to connect early on just lead to learning the definition of alien, as i was improperly socialized; lonely and with abusive influences. it took trial and error, yet all i could do in the end to appear not so strange was to capitalize on it. make jokes, humor, shock people with anything, something. then they take interest. this interest was lost on me, a slightly taller child playing some kind of performance will never fill the hole that longs for the validation of being seen.

seen, looked at, glanced at, liked, loved,

all words that are similar to each other, no? the nuances are made more profound when finding friends as i, people who love the weird and bizarre you brought to them but refrain from sending an invite to do anything outside of the usual environment. how many birthdays i missed, hearing my friends talk about it while i had to cower and wonder why the whole group went except for me. being known and popularized in a large high school full of people who wouldn't blink an eye at me if i wanted more meaningful interaction than a "hey, let's get stoned in the city"

the pattern continues, as i built a shell to keep people out and from hurting me. losing everyone i thought felt as mutually connected as i, even for a brief second, was my personal agony.

i am daft to have taken a hammer to it

everyone will leave me in the end


the memories i cling onto which only exist between me and the other party, will be forgotten to time as soon as we perish.

memories which i opened myself up for, which lessened the influence of my manipulation and need for façades to keep people around, memories i ended up genuinely caring for out of finally feeling seen as human for the first time.
memory is a precious thing and so is time, which i tend to waste before getting to the point of anything i choose to write.
old users, unregistered users, guest profiles. where are they? sometimes i'm up late, filling through threads after thread in order to solve some dilemma i have acquired. instead of finding answers, i only grow melancholy thinking about them.

last seen: 2015

"woo! another pound! lets do this"


where are they now? what memories of the site did they have? the nostalgia that i do not even possess keeps brewing as i look at old memories, old users, old conversations. seeing some end tragically makes me wonder how many inactive members on this site are long gone from their lives, the only thing left behind for me to see being their cries for help and camaraderie amongst others similar. who was here for fun and got bored? who simply forgot all the small interactions that helped them through the years? the little connections made that are mostly minute yet can be some of the most comforting interactions; isolation from hiding a variety of brain sick is suddenly gone upon chatting with others alike yourself.

i just wonder where people go, where they are, what they felt or thought. it might not be important to others, as everyone's lives are universes containing multitudes of planets to keep in orbit. i, however, wonder what it was like, feeling the expansion of inner worlds, feeling the collision of microcosms connecting and making something new before dying out like a star. i wonder, because i have yet to have any collisions to change, i want to feel vicariously through another what it might feel like to truly be a person with other people
I've never read anything this relatable in my entire life... Woah. Sending you love <3
 
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