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Spillin' my thoughts

16K views 611 replies 13 participants last post by  jackalyvia 
#1 ·
I have to get all this thinking out of me somehow
I'm at a 18 month low weight and it's definitely affecting me
atm: visited the "binge haul" thread.
Pasta. Pasta. Pasta. I miss it, I don't have cravings often but more frequently lately, almost daily.
Pasta/dishes I want:
Alfredo
General tsos
Thai peanut noodles
Creamy Mac and cheese
Lo mein
Beef stroganoff
Spaghetti
Butter noodles
Ramen
Pesto noodles
Fuck
 
#2 ·
Since I broke my plateau I gave myself Feb 1 as my first day off steps THIS YEAR, I don't regret it... but I definitely feel guilty and I'm very very nervous about weighing in
Fuck
 
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#5 ·
I've been on keto for a while and started intermittent fasting around a week ago. I also drooled over a binge food thread! The thing that pops into my head sometimes is chocolate gateaux!! Your abs in the profile photo are amazing, mine are just starting to show for the first time in my life.😊
 
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#6 ·
I took 2.5 days off.
Less than 3k steps for 2 days.
I don't feel guilty per se bc I know I desperately needed a break and I literally didn't gain a single ounce but I'm still VERY glad I got back on track yesterday and I'm not missing anymore for the month.
My mile times have doubled. I went from 4 mile sessions to 1.5.
it hurts All day everyday every step every movement
But
I'm finally getting closer to 99
I c.a.n.n.o.t. give up now
107.1
 
#8 ·
I feel very weird physically
There are (increasingly more frequent and more intense) periods of time qhen I'm not sure I am/was awake...like I "wake up" in different rooms or when I'm walking I can't remember the last half mile or something
I almost got hit by a car yesterday like close enough my heart started beating SO LOUD AND FAST and i got nauseous af...
I already reduced from 9k/4.5 mile daily requirements to 8100/3.9 but I'm still struggling which is fucking bullshit
The person I'm talking to from here is confusing and idk whats going to happen, it's the first time I've had " a friend" in about 4yrs
✨️✨️✨️✨️✨️✨️✨️✨️✨️
🎉🎊I just realized its my
-5yr anniversary for no period,
-been underweight for 5 straight years
-NO ACTIVE SELF HARM 4YRS🎊🎉
✨️✨️✨️✨️✨️✨️✨️✨️✨️

all a direct result of breaking bulimia and going full on an-r, best ed th8ng to ever happen ngl

That made me feel a little better ...I think...well at least more motivated to get off my fat obese whale-like blubbering cowish disgusting thick heavy thundering plump round rotund abomination of a body and
do what ever needs to be done
 
#11 ·
I had a dream about the Chinese buffet last night, the buffet table was literally endless and I caved
I legit remember wondering where I was going to purge in the dream
Very unnerving I still feel unsettled
 
#12 ·
I will keep my thoughts to myself
Other people's "inaccuracies" affect their weight
The proof is in the numbers and pictures

It's kinda weird though, the less I let out the more weight I lose...if this pattern continues imma end up silent 🤣
 
#13 ·
I
Am
So
So
So
Tired
And sore
And nauseous
And my legs feel like tree trunks with lightning shooting through

But

At 4am I will get up
And I will do my chores
And I will get dressed I will stretch
And I will do steps bc otherwise
I
Am
Nothing

And I will think about weighing in the entire time
And when i get home I will strip and see how much my sin weighs today
 
#14 ·
Wtf
I don't even want to get high......
I just.... idk weed not doing shit anymore

I think I'm shutting down
My reward for walking today is literally(being "allowed") laying in bed (warmth and comfort)

3 hours and I'll be in bed
3 hours. get my requirements done and I can retreat to the safe zone that is my bed
 
#21 ·
2:41 am and this is the 4th time I've woken up
I give up on sleep, at least at night
I'll sleep when I can I suppose

Call from therapist yesterday, she didnt cancel my Friday after I "quit" last week, she still expects me show but im not stupid I know if they get me in the office physically they can pink slip me

Not
Gonna
Happen

I'm 7.5 lb from my goal, all I have to do is stay functional and lose 1 lb a month (not even a full 1lb actually) and I'll reach my 2023 goal of 99lb
 
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#30 ·
Welp that appointment could have gone better but it could have also gone much worse
Weekly weight but as long as I can still function and care for myself i can stay home
Still nervous af but I'll the it 🙌
 
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