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silly little diary

8K views 142 replies 2 participants last post by  ash_b0nes 
#1 · (Edited)
Hello there c: I'm just starting this diary as a way to document my ed. ex: my food, how my day was, cal counts, progress, workouts, etc. I don't have access to a scale sadly so no weight updates :c Not a very serious thing, just a secluded little space to empty my brain. feel free to comment if you have anything to say or simply just watch <3
 
#2 · (Edited)
Sunday 1/8/23

Good morning! today is day one of this blog and I definitely need to empty my brain. I don't know if anyone can relate to this but do you feel invalid when you just like... eat. that sounds so stupid but for a bit of context I used to be a person who was kind of extreme with my ed. I would fast for AT LEAST 4/7 days a week, more often it would be 6/7. And then my mom noticed that I wasn't eating. I told her it was just the stress of school making me forget about eating. I think she believed me and she bought me a planner. That was the day before winter break, so over break she definitely had an opportunity to watch me so i made a point to eat in front of her. I would make sure she saw my breakfast if i had any, i would leave out wrappers and dishes of things i didnt eat etc. So for those 2 weeks I kind of had to get more comfortable with eating something so she wouldnt notice. I still kept my cals around 150-400 most days. Recently she flew over to Wisconsin to visit my aunt and she's staying for a few weeks, so I was excited to start fasting again. Normally my dad doesn't care what I eat so I had no issues there, but ever since my mom noticed me not eating i've been more cautious. So the issue is that my dad buys me food all wholesome like "Look I found this gluten free bread at Costco you should try! I found this dairy free soup! I found this sugar free oatmeal!" Because he knows I can't have gluten dairy or sugar per doctor request. Then I feel like I have to eat that so he thinks im eating, I would just throw it out but I feel bad doing that and most of it is pretty safe food. The bread is 65 cal a slice. The soup is 150 per can. the oatmeal is 110 per packet. So now i just mainly do low res without fasting a bunch. It definitely gives me more energy but UGHH i miss the high feeling of fasting. I told myself that when my mom left i would fast for at least a week. But things keep getting in the way, like thursday I have a P.E pretest I'm gonna need energy for, I have an exam monday, etc etc. I'm trying to be more okay with the fact that I don't really fast anymore.

On a totally separate topic, my log for today:
Breakfast: Oatmeal w/stevia + cinnamon- 150 cal
Dinner: costco miso soup- 160 cal
Snacks: 1 cucumber- 40 cal

Total: 350 calories
 
#3 · (Edited)
monday 1/9/23

Good morning <3 this morning i stood in the shower and my thighs didn’t touch. i cried. i sobbed. i mean i noticed my thighs separating slowly and they didn’t touch if i angled them slightly but today i checked every angle and they don’t touch at all. i was literally crying tears of joy. me a few years ago keeping a towel in between my legs when i walked because i hated the feeling of my thighs touching would be so proud right now. so that was a pretty good start to my day. something nobody tells you about that’s pretty frustrating is how none of your clothes fit. trying to wear a cute little dainty outfit everyday is impossible when everything hangs and sags on you so much, i wish i had clothes that showed off the figure i’m sculpting instead of hide it. don’t get me wrong i love that baggy clothes hide my weight loss from my parents but i do wish i could show it off a little. i’m scared tho that when me and my mother go school clothes shopping got next year she’ll notice i only fit in s and xs. anyway woke up for school and made some green tea and toast. that toast was so good and i haven’t had bread in a long time. it came to 170 cal (140 for bread, 50 for 2 tbs whipped cream cheese) i feel guilty about it but i’m trying to remind myself that i’ll still lose if i’m eating 0-400 cal a day. Not happy with how high my cals are getting. 300-400 seems like too much.

Breakfast: 2 slices gluten free bread w/whipped cream cheese- 170 cal

Dinner: 1/2 cup oats + 1/2 cup strawberries- 170 cal

Total: 340
 
#4 · (Edited)
tuesday 1/10/23

Hello again. I had no energy today but more than i did when i fasted for so long. I plan to fast tomorrow. i had oatmeal for breakfast and oatmeal for dinner lmao. im obsessed with oatmeal atm. excited for online P.E to start so i can know my weight and how many cals i burn :D

Breakfast: 1/2 oats + 2/3 cup almond milk + 1/4 cup blueberries (200)

Dinner: 1/3 cup oats + stevia, cinnamon, vanilla ext. (100)

Total: 300
 
#5 · (Edited)
thursday 1-12-23

nothing noteworthy yesterday, i fasted. broke it this morning with a really nice bowl of oatmeal (shocking) because i’m gonna need a little boost today. i’ll put a picture just cuz it was kinda pretty haha. and today is the day i get weighed!! i’m so excited to see how much i weigh. i’m totally gonna do a shit job on this pretest because i’m weak and lazy.

UPDATE: actually pissed rn bc my pretest got canceled because of a tornado warning so i’m gonna have to wait till next thursday to get my weight. i wish i would’ve known this so i could’ve fasted longer before my mom gets home on sunday. fuck. now i feel so guilty about my breakfast but i’m just going to try and fast till next thursday ig. or at least till sunday which will be 3 days i think, not very long. rn i’m deciding what to do for dinner. i could keep it at 180 and be good or go with my original plan which was to have 280 cals for dinner (eggs on toast) as a boost for the PE test but that got cancelled so can i still eat it???? i think i might have it to see if it’s good so maybe if it’s bad i won’t waste cals making it for the pre test

Breakfast: 1/2 c. oats + 1/2 c. strawberries + stevia and vanilla- 180 (literally so good) and a coffee with stevia
Food Tableware Dishware Ingredient Recipe


dinner: 2x gluten free toast + 2 eggs- 280
(10/10 this was so bomb i gobbled it down)

total= 460 🤢
 
#6 · (Edited)
friday 1-13-23

fasted today, currently on hour 27, not very far in but whatever. mom gets back in two days. ughhhh. not much to say today. i just wanna be skinny already goddamn
Intake:
Coffe + stevia- 0
2x green tea + stevia- 0
2x chai tea + stevia- 0
1 water bottle + propel zero- 0

total= 0 ❤
 
#7 ·
sat 1/14/23

Been feeling happier and happier with the way my body looks. I love the way my stomach is concave when I fast. My upper body lost the most first, but lower half is taking a bit longer. I'm becoming happier with the way my upper half looks, i think im starting to look a little bit skinny :) i can DEFINITELY notice a difference from when I started. My hip bones poke out a lot (i kind of hate how it makes it hard to sleep but hey) my chest bones are pretty nice and defined, and I finally see shape in my arm. Its no longer just a straight flabby line, it has definiton. My jawline is so sharp now as well. and my hands lost a lot, i have dents and bones i couldnt see before. I'm just waiting for my thighs to slim. I completely lost my tits lol but its okay. i used to be a 36DDD and now I am a 32C. I really want to show off my body when it gets a little slimmer but how can I do that without my parents seeing? I think I'd have to wait till it gets warmer also. I can't show up to school or a friends house in a tank top and shorts in winter. Plus theres that issue of none of my clothes fitting anymore. I dont have any shorts I can wear that fit. I could wear leggings but even my old leggings are baggy. I really hope I'm able to keep this up without my family noticing. I think when I get low enough I'll try to maintain. like BMI 12-13. but theres no way my parents wouldnt notice at that point. I so wish I lived on my own. I'm almost old enough to move out but im broke lol. Anyway i have been being validated through my dad. My twin sister has consumed an entire costco sized jug of starbucks coffee creamer in less than a week, and my dad was talking about how many calories that is and how fattening all that dairy and sugar is. I was drinking black coffee at the moment and he said I was making good health choices doing that and he's glad I'm healthy, and he can see weight loss in my cheekbones. He's so clueless lmao. Although it is getting stressful hiding this for so long. Its exhausting. sorry todays post is so long I just needed to purge my thoughts in writing. on hour 46 of my fast so thats cool ig.
 
#8 · (Edited)
sun 1/15/23

literally so pissed rn. remember how i was excited to do online PE and get weighed? turns out when my mom looked through the course while she was away she emailed the coach and told her i was not allowed to be weighed, and for calorie counting and nutritional assignments i was not allowed to participate. what the fuck. i’m so pissed. this is dumb as hell. i wanted to know my BMI so bad. this is literally so embarrassing.

anyway. broke the fast this morning with oatmeal. probably gonna have an egg on toast later or something. i was a lot more active today than normal. i went for a mile walk, went to two grocery stores and did a workout.

Breakfast: 1/2 cup oats + stevia, cinnamon, and vanilla - 150 cal

Dinner: 2x gluten free bread + 1 egg - 210 cal

total: 360 cal
 
#9 · (Edited)
mon 1/16/23

hello :) my mom being back home is definitely adding on a lot of stress because i feel like she knows. i’m so scared. always. i just want her to leave. i’m going to have to aim for a little bit of a higher icky intake today so she doesn’t suspect anything. i plan on baking, (not eating no any of it ofc as usual) going for a walk, and then eating lunch where she can see me and dinner as well. i already had breakfast and left out the dish. oatmeal, shocking! i tried it with this sugar free 10 cal jam i got and OHHH MY GODD it was marvelous. 10/10 will be eating it every morning. for lunch i plan to have a piece of toast (70) with strawberries (30) and for dinner a can of soup (190) which should put my total at 450. that’s higher than i’m comfortable with but i’ll live right? if i don’t wanna lose too fast and make her suspicious j know i should be doing high res but that is a big red flag no no never ever in my book. i just don’t feel like i’d lose on 800-1000 cal. i would never take it above 1000 bc my tdee is super low like 1300 if i remember correctly. i’m literally so stressed i hate this i want her gone. i love her but i want her gone.

workouts:
-2 mile brisk walk
-attempted biking for 6 min 😭
-treadmill run

Breakfast: 1/2 cup oats + stevia + 1tbs sugar free strawberry jam - 160

Lunch: (i took a pic cuz it was cute)
1 slice gf toast + 1/2 tbs sf jam, 1/2 cup strawberries (can you tell i love strawberries haha) - 100 cal
Food Tableware Dishware Ingredient Recipe


Dinner: 1 can progresso chicken noodle soup- 190

Total: 450 😕
 
#10 · (Edited)
Tuesday 1/17/23

Happy tuesday :) i’ve realized in order to pass my PE class i have to get my heart rate up for a certain amount of time each day. so i think on workout days i’ll fast so my heart rate gets higher and i’ll eat on non workout days which are tuesday and thursday. on episode who’s keeping track of my oatmeal addiction, for breakfast i had oatmeal. took a picture because food pictures make the neurons feel. i think i’ll aim for 250 today. i’ll have a piece of toast with broccoli for dinner.

update: had a breakdown hah 🥰 basically i explained to my mom that her emailing my teacher was unnecessary and i wish she would’ve talked to me about it because i need to know my height and weight to get accurate activity measurements on my watch. i explained to her how my friend who’s taking the same class and walks the same halls as me was at a 67% activity level by 12:00. i was at 7%, walking the same steps and doing the same things so my watch must be wrong. she yelled at me and told me she knows best and the teacher will fix it. she thinks everything will magically be fixed. i need to know my fucking height and weight dumbass. anyway i cried and ran on the treadmill, went for a mile and a half walk and skipped rope. only at 50% activity level though wtf.

anyway for dinner i had a piece of gf toast with some 0 cal pan spray and salt on it and it tasted just like buttered toast. with that i had 5 florets of broccoli for a total of 100 cals for dinner. sweet.

Breakfast: 1/2 cup oats + 1 tablespoon sf jam- 160

Food Tableware Dishware Drinkware Ingredient


dinner: 1 slice gf toast + 5 florets of broccoli- 100
Food Tableware Sliced bread Broccoli Ingredient


total- 260

hit 10K steps!!!
 
#11 · (Edited)
wed 1-18-23

Hey again :) today I had.. wait for it.. oatmeal for breakfast. who was expecting that?? so that gave me some good energy for school, got home and had an omellete with strawberries for dinner. i fucking love eggs. trying to decide what tomorrow's meal plan will be bc i have that stupid pretest for PE and im gonna need a motherfucking boost cuz i am WEAK. thinking of aiming anywhere from 500-800 cal kinda as a meta day for myself, maybe even tiptoeing around 1000 which is terrifying.

update: omg making a meal plan so high is kind of scary and a little bit exciting because im like.. i can just.. eat the food ive been wanting to and its planned?? anyway i think i planned what im gonna eat, it'll be nearing 700 which is bleugh but its only for a day and i need a meta day. ill have 1 cup oats instead of 1/2 for breakfast (300), ill have 1 banana for lunch (90), and 4 eggs as an omelet for dinner(280). total 670, This leaves me with 30 cal wiggle room for coffee or fruit or maybe veggies in my omelet. or perhaps cocoa powder in my oats which ive been wanting to try. we'll see, i might even aim for 800 if say i want veggies with my eggs, cocoa in my oats, or coffee which is like +90 somethin cals and leaves me at 760.

plus whatever i eat im going to burn in workouts. but i dont really do net bc it makes me feel like im cheating and making excuses. i dont trust it. but it does give me some peace of mind with extra cals like sauce and gum bc i know im burning it (my watch says how many cals i burn)

brekky: 1/2 cup oats- 150

dinner: 1 egg + 2 egg whites + 1/2 cup strawberries + 1/2 tbs ketchup- 150

total: 300
 
#12 ·
thursday 1/19/23

Today was the day i’ve been waiting for, ik i’ve been hyping this up and making it so dramatic but whatever. I got weighed and measured. i am 5’0 (and a half 😡) and i weigh 85.5 pounds. that puts me a 16.7 BMI. would like to be lower but i’m not upset, that’s about where i expected to be. i did terrible on the actual testing lmao, for 2 push up, 35 curl ups, and 13:45 for my mile run (which i speed walked mostly, i could not breathe). i had a higher intake today and that DEFINITELY helped me with my energy. i’ll put the pics and stuff hehe

Breakfast: 2/3 cup oats, 1/2 banana, 1 tbs cocoa powder (280)
Food Tableware Ingredient Recipe Mixture

Lunch: 1 banana + 1 coffee (150)
Food Tableware Dishware Ingredient Recipe


Dinner: 4x egg + 1 tbs ketchup (300)
Food Tableware Dishware Ingredient Recipe

Snacks: 1/2 cup strawberries (30)

Total: 750
 
#13 · (Edited)
saturday 1/21/23

hey. been feeling really depressed yesterday and today so i didn’t post yesterday but i had oatmeal and soup and popcorn for 480 cals. too much. today i had oatmeal for breakfast and we’ll see how the rest of the day goes. gonna workout later and get my steps in.

update: had soup for dinner.

breakfast: oatmeal (160)

dinner: soup (220)

total: 380
 
#14 · (Edited)
Sunday 1/22/23

good morning ❤ feeling a little bit better :) today’s a dainty kind of day or whatever. idk. my mother said my breakfast looked like art and it was super nutritious so that eases my anxiety a little about her possibly knowing. i had gf toast with jam, and fruit. i’ll put the pic hehe

breakfast: 2x gluten free bread + 1 tbsp jam + raspberries, strawberries, and grapes- 185
Food Tableware Ingredient Fruit Strawberry


dinner: soup- 240

snack: cucumber-40

exercised and burned 166 cal according to watch but wont subtract from total.

total: 470
 
#15 ·
I have a lot of meal ideas saved up because choosing what to eat is stressful so i like to "dump out" all my options. so i thought i'd just shitpost some meal ideas for personal use with ingredients i have, feel free to use any of these ideas but the cals may vary depending on branding and stuff. ill update as i get more ideas

meal idea dump
-1 slice gf toast (70) + 1 egg (70) +1 pink lady apple (70)- 210
-2 slice gf toast (140) +1 tbsp sf jam (10)- 150
-3x egg white (45) + 1 egg (70) + 1 roma tomato (10)- 130
-2 slice gf toast (140) + 1 roma tomato (10) + basil + parm cheese (20)- 170
-1/2c. oats (150) + cin., stevia- 150
-1/2c. oats (150) + fruit of choice (anywhere from 170-200)
-1/2c. oats (150) + 1tbsp sf jam- 160
-2 slice gf toast (140) + 1 egg (70) (sandwiched)- 210
-1 container Chobani yogurt (110)
-2 slice gf toast (140) + 1tbsp whipped cream cheese (50) -190
-1 pink lady apple (70) + 1 banana (100)- 170
-1/2 banana (50) + 1/2c. strawberries (30) + 1/2 c. grapes (50) + 20 raspberries (20)- 150
-1 bag zucchini noodles (70) + parm cheese (30) - 100
-1 banana + cinnamon (100)
-1 slice gf bread (70) + 5 florets brocolli (30)- 100
-1 roma tomato (10)+ 1 cucumber (40)- 50
-1 slice gf toast (70) + 10 raspberries (10) + 2x egg white (30)- 110
-1/2 banana (50) + 2x gf toast (140)- 190
-2x gluten free bread (140) + 1/8 cup shredded mozerella cheese (40) + 1 roma tomato (10) - 190
 
#16 · (Edited)
mon 1/23/23

fuck i feel the binge urges rn. i can’t give in. i’m trying so so so so hard rn. so i’m gonna post here instead for a min. for breakfast i had a piece of toast with an egg and an apple. 210 cal. for dinner i had 2x toast with 1/2 roma tomato and broccoli. no pic cuz i ate it in front of my family. i had strawberries and grapes as a snack later.

update: resisted the binge urges and left only about 60 or so cals down the pipe, gonna burn those. damn that was a really close one. i was FIGHTING yall. Instead, i did the dishes which grossed me out and kept me busy and alone with my rational thinking for a moment.

Breakfedt: toast and egg and apple (210)
Food Egg yolk Fried egg Ingredient Tableware


dinner: 2x toast, 1/2 roma tomato, broccoli (200)

snack: strawberries and grapes (70)

total: 480. Ew.
 
#17 · (Edited)
tues 1/24/23

hiii :))) today i did 2 workouts so that was nice. sore as hell tho. i had a 430 cal total. thats just sad. why cant i get it fucking lower???? i used to have a weekly total of like 400 cals. now thats my daily. i had 2/3 cup oats for breakfast and dinner was tomato sandwich which i will post the pic in the morning cuz its on my phone and im on my computer and im tired. tomorrows meal plan to get my cals lower will be b- chobani yogurt and d- toast w/egg white perhaps? so thats 110+170=280.

breakfast: 2/3 cup oats +stevia and cinnamon- 200 cal

dinner: 2x gluten free bread + 1 roma tomato + 1/8 cup mozzarella cheese- 190
Food Tableware Sliced bread Ingredient Recipe

Food Tableware Ingredient Recipe Cuisine


snack: 1 cucumber (40)

total: 430.
 
#19 · (Edited)
thursday 1/26/23

ughh today was tough. i felt like i was fighting gravity which always happens when i go lower with my cals. i skipped breakfast and had apple cinnamon oatmeal for dinner. i had strawberries as a snack later. i did 2 workouts. here’s the log. kill me 😕

breakfast: skipped

dinner: 2/3 cup oats + 1/2 pink lady apple- 235 cal
Food Tableware Recipe Ingredient Staple food


snack: strawberries- 50
Food Dishware Ingredient Recipe Fruit


total: 285

btw i have a pinterest board of all my meal pics @ill_berry on pinterest :)

edit pinterest got taken down nvm
 
#20 ·
fri 1/27/23

oh…god. my friend wanted to have a sleepover which is no excuse but i had somewhat of a meta day. 1400 ish cals? for breakfast i had oatmeal, for dinner i had oatmeal so that’s 320 cal. i downed a pint of rebel caramel ice cream so that’s 550 cal. i had some popcorn and a blondie so that’s like 500 cal. and some strawberries so thats 50 cal. all together that’s 1420. tbh j thought i would go a lot higher than that so i’m not like screaming crying.

but something else did happen. i was changing into my pjs in front of my friend and she said
“girl what do you eat?? nothing?? you are literally flesh over bones. you are so bony. you are scarilly skinny.” keep in mind i’m like in the bmi 16’s. so not that skinny. and my mom was in the next room so i panicked and tried to shush her and i was like “haha wdym nope i’m healthy haha” and she was like “noooo. i’m not bodyshaming you i’m saying this for health reasons. are you okay? like seriously are you okay ash? are you depriving yourself of food?” and i was hoping and praying my mom wouldn’t hear because i know she’s already sus. so i played it off and said it was probably just my new diet the doctor put me on and i’m fine and not underweight or anything. so that’s why i had a meta day. i knew they all needed to see me eat somewhat normally or in non disorder amounts so i had that pint of “low cal” ice cream and dinner and snacks and stuff. felt valid but terrified.
 
#21 ·
sat 1/28/23

in a silly goofy mood where calories don’t scare me as much today. has oats for brekky, popcorn later (my friend was still over) sweet potato and chicken for dinner. i went to kroger w/my mom and was able to get a lot of safe foods so that’s cool. i got sugar free maple syrup and sugar free chocolate syrup!! and oat flour, pumpkin purée, low cal chocolate chips,and frozen peaches. excited. i made hot chocolate with almond milk and that 5 cal syrup.

breakfast: 1/2 cup oats + 1 tbs sf jam -160

snacks: popcorn, raspberries, and hot cocoa- like 250??

dinner: 1/2 a sweet potato and chicken breast -estimating 350

total: 760 🤭
 
#22 ·
sun 1/29/23

in that same goofy mood as yesterday, so i upped the intake a bit and compensated with exercise. all the shit i ate today really hit the spot tho and i have no binge urges and feel completely satisfied!! im not even thinking abt food as much and i was able to eat a good amount for not too many cals.

breakfast: 1/2 cup oats with sf maple syrup+ stevia- 155 cal

lunch: 1 can light tuna in water + cucumber, tomato, lettuce, lemon juice- 120 cal

dinner: 1/2 sweet potato + 2x gluten free toast- 220

snack: peaches w/ sugar free hersheys sauce- 60 cal
snack 2: 1 cup unsweetened almond milk + 1 tbs hersheys sf chocolate sauce- 35

workouts:
youtube cardio, running on treadmil, pushups+curlups
burned 320 from that but wont deduct from total

total: 590
 
#23 ·
mon 1/30/23

some ed related stuff happened today. my sister had a chat with me abt my weight loss, but not in the way i’d expect; she said she didn’t know why everyone was so concerned because i was perfectly healthy. she said i’m the healthiest person she knows. she was like “it’s just because you’re healthy now! you eat all the required meals and they’re all super nutritious.” i love that she thinks that. i wonder if she’ll still think that when i’m bones.
anyway, breakfast i had a protein shake, just a scoop of protein powder in water. it was pretty yum. dinner i had the most delightful oatmeal that had ever graced my tongue. i put peach, maple syrup (sugar free ofc) and cinnamon. my snacks were raspberries with sf chocolate sauce and then cucumber with lemon juice ;) total 420 cal

breakfast: 1 scoop protein powder and water- 150 cal (25g protein! :D)

dinner: 1/2 cup oats + 1/2 cup peaches + 2tbs sf maple syrup + stevia and cinnamon-200 cal
Food Tableware Ingredient Recipe Cuisine


snacks: raspberries and hershey sauce, cucumber - 70 cal
Food Tableware Fruit Ingredient Strawberry


total: 420
 
#24 ·
tues 1/31/23

last day of january. back in the mood where cals are scary.

breakfast: 1/2 cup oats + sf maple syrup +stevia +cinnamon - 155 cal

dinner: tuna salad- 145 cal
Food Plant Tableware Ingredient Recipe


total: 300

about the meal pics thing, i just kind of have an obsession with taking pics of my food before i eat it 😅 sometimes i post it and sometimes i don’t. if it was similar to something i already took a pic of or nothing extraordinary i just don’t lol
 
#25 ·
wed 2/1/23

today was not a great day. i’m feeling really guilty about what i ate. i think i wasted my cals. i was trying out protein shakes today and i feel like liquid cals are a waste but i did get 50g protein which is way more than normal. ughhhhhh i feel so horribly guilty. i hit 500 cal today which is disgusting.

breakfast: protein shake (150 cal)

lunch: protein coffee (150 cal..)

dinner: sad attempt at low cal pancakes although they tasted fucking divine (150 cal)
Food Tableware Fruit Ingredient Recipe


desert: other half of banana and sf chocolate syrup (60 cal)
Food Tableware Dishware Ingredient Plate


total: 510 🙁
 
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