I'm a Fake

I just want to sincerely apologize for those who I've offended.

I've been reading these posts about "Fake Ana's" and how people are so pissed off that this site is full of them. Being the prideful, selfish, vain bitch that I am - I keep thinking that this is not talking about me. I also keep telling myself that this is my "choice", it's my "lifestyle". But now I realize, that ana is not something you should want or seek. It's a true, full-blown illness that many of you suffer from and I'm just sitting here mocking it by trying to fit in.

The point I'm trying to make is, I really only saw two sides: ana or mia.

But, I do not eat in a way that is "healthy". I have restricted myself for years (without realizing it). You maybe have read before (in my last post or somewhere on the forum's) that I had a doctor who told me, "Just because you are hungry, doesn't mean you have to eat". After that, I just started to ignore my hunger. My father would eat all the food in my house before I would get around to eating (because unlike the fat pig he was, I didn't eat everything in one day). My mother changed jobs during my childhood so she stopped cooking meals for us, so every night was "fend for yourself" night. With that, I didn't want to cook for my fat father, so I would just not eat. Cereal can only hold you for so long. I would cry myself to sleep because of the hunger pains. Soon, I started watching Food Network just to make them worse - it was better than feeling nothing. I started to enjoy feeling my body eat away at itself.

I had a few boyfriends that really didn't notice - or when they did notice, they'd make me eat at least dinner with them. I was fine with eating, because I knew that that one meal would be my meal for possible 2 - 3 days. My friends never noticed. No one ever seemed to care. I was hospitilized once for cutting and attempted suicide, of which, everyone thought I was there for an eating disorder because I was so thin. I didn't eat at the hospitial because I hate hospital food. My doctor was concerned - which is probably why that idiot put me on a pill that would make me hungry! (But I showed him!)

Recently I got married and I'm having a bout with depression again. Now that I'm in charge of my own food, in my own home, and I can eat what I want, when I want - I did! But I have always had a "weight limit" that if I hit, I would essentially start diet and exercise. I hit that weight (and exceeded it) at the beginning of this year. This caused me to re-evaluate my life and what had changed to cause me to have this weight gain that seemed to just keep going up and up! This is the conclusion I've come too.

Because once I found out that my restricting past had a name, "ana" I clinged to her like a child to his mother. I could not stand my body anymore. It led to more depression and even more eating! I decided to take charge, gather my control, and take my lifestyle back. Now, I'm realizing that this is offensive to those with "true ana".

Even though I am a fake, I hope that because you can all see me and know that I may not be "ana or mia" that you can still accept me. I found this community so supportive and so helpful. I'm not here "just to lose a quick pound" I'm here for life. I'm in it. I'm going to stay in it.

I promise to stop being a bitch.

 

I'm a Fake

I just want to sincerely apologize for those who I've offended.

I've been reading these posts about "Fake Ana's" and how people are so pissed off that this site is full of them. Being the prideful, selfish, vain bitch that I am - I keep thinking that this is not talking about me. I also keep telling myself that this is my "choice", it's my "lifestyle". But now I realize, that ana is not something you should want or seek. It's a true, full-blown illness that many of you suffer from and I'm just sitting here mocking it by trying to fit in.

The point I'm trying to make is, I really only saw two sides: ana or mia.

But, I do not eat in a way that is "healthy". I have restricted myself for years (without realizing it). You maybe have read before (in my last post or somewhere on the forum's) that I had a doctor who told me, "Just because you are hungry, doesn't mean you have to eat". After that, I just started to ignore my hunger. My father would eat all the food in my house before I would get around to eating (because unlike the fat pig he was, I didn't eat everything in one day). My mother changed jobs during my childhood so she stopped cooking meals for us, so every night was "fend for yourself" night. With that, I didn't want to cook for my fat father, so I would just not eat. Cereal can only hold you for so long. I would cry myself to sleep because of the hunger pains. Soon, I started watching Food Network just to make them worse - it was better than feeling nothing. I started to enjoy feeling my body eat away at itself.

I had a few boyfriends that really didn't notice - or when they did notice, they'd make me eat at least dinner with them. I was fine with eating, because I knew that that one meal would be my meal for possible 2 - 3 days. My friends never noticed. No one ever seemed to care. I was hospitilized once for cutting and attempted suicide, of which, everyone thought I was there for an eating disorder because I was so thin. I didn't eat at the hospitial because I hate hospital food. My doctor was concerned - which is probably why that idiot put me on a pill that would make me hungry! (But I showed him!)

Recently I got married and I'm having a bout with depression again. Now that I'm in charge of my own food, in my own home, and I can eat what I want, when I want - I did! But I have always had a "weight limit" that if I hit, I would essentially start diet and exercise. I hit that weight (and exceeded it) at the beginning of this year. This caused me to re-evaluate my life and what had changed to cause me to have this weight gain that seemed to just keep going up and up! This is the conclusion I've come too.

Because once I found out that my restricting past had a name, "ana" I clinged to her like a child to his mother. I could not stand my body anymore. It led to more depression and even more eating! I decided to take charge, gather my control, and take my lifestyle back. Now, I'm realizing that this is offensive to those with "true ana".

Even though I am a fake, I hope that because you can all see me and know that I may not be "ana or mia" that you can still accept me. I found this community so supportive and so helpful. I'm not here "just to lose a quick pound" I'm here for life. I'm in it. I'm going to stay in it.

I promise to stop being a bitch.

Ok so I'm new here, and have missed any of the drama you are referring about However, it doesn't sound like you are a fake, I'd go more with in denial.



That being said, I've never been a huge believer in fakes. If you hate your body enough to do things to it like starve, binge and purge then you have a problem. Wether or not it is something u started doing naturally or something that you had to research first seems to be the difference I see between people who say they have the real ED's and others who are apparently fakes.



My ED was a learned condition. I tried dieting and dieting and nothing worked so I looked up pro-mia tricks. And when those didn't work so well i started looking up pro-ana tips. And THOSE worked. I care about what i look like to the point where I hated myself so much I chose to become this way. Or so I thought....



I have a friend who is very pro-mia who can never, ever starve herself because she just can't do it. She can't make her way past the hunger pains. I have another friend who hates her body so much because she is overweight, and guess what, she can't force herself to starve either.



I however could. And I was always the skinny one at school. Yet i always thought I was super fat. Any of this sound familiar? I try to find any "fake" that doesn't hate their body the way that others with ED's do....



Anyway.... there's my two cents. I think there are varying ways that we all have our ED's. some of us literally cant eat, others constantly fight the urge to eat daily. Others don't fight the urge, they succumb to it then throw it back up. These are all ED's, I don't like how people get elitist about it...

 

MIA: Missing in Ana.

I cannot find the image anymore but I recently came across a picture of Marilyn Monroe in a yellow bikini that said something along the lines of: Marilyn Monroe was not fat, so you are worshiping a false idol.

It was interesting since I have so many people on my social media platforms posting quotes about Marilyn. Sayings like, "If you're not size 0 - it doesn't mean you aren't sexy" and "When did this become more sexy than this" contrasting the models today versus Marilyn Monroe. The interesting thing I find about this is that they are always using the exact same picture - the one in the white bathing suit. If you google search images of Marilyn Monroe - you'll see she is actually not as fat as people are leading us to believe. Then they have these crazy other pictures that say "Marilyn was size XX" ranging from 10 - 18! (That's a big gap!) No one must know her real size. There was another interesting picture that showed a plus size model of 16 next to M.M. obviously some serious contrast there.

This is just something I found rather interesting the other day. It struck me a bit. I remembered how society is really forcing us to love our bodies the way they are - even if we don't!

I know it's been awhile since I've been on. I was down to 130 in May. Wow, what a change I've made (for the worst). I had to stop restricting because my family (namely my husband) and a few close friends were really worried about me. I actually was a bit worried myself when my body started to purge on its own after eating - something I had never experienced before. I'm ready to embrace this change.

I have mentioned before that I have never purposefully, mindfully restricted myself. In the past, it was just subconscious and based on my home life. I never had food in the house growing up becuase my father would eat it all. In retrospect I learned to not eat and still maintain myself. Now that I'm married it's becoming increasingly harder since I know the food is there. Not only that, I feel like I have to eat it! I feel like I have to have a treat every night, or something sugary throughout the day. I feel like I have to cook these big meals (which in reality I do for my family) and then I have to sit down and eat it with them. I've been eating smaller portions but my body has ballooned! I seriously feel like Kim Kardasian right now (while she was pregnant).

I weighed myself at a ghastly 140! I am freaking out a bit. I eat smaller portions (without counting) and I exercise every day. My homeopathic doctor told me that if you exercise BEFORE breakfast then your workout is 3x more affective! Plus, the cells in our bodies have memory cells - so if we return to the way our lives were before, our cells remember and adapt. That gave me plenty of hope that I can definitely return to being skinny and reach my UGW.

Right now, I'm going to start counting my calories again to see how much I eat in a day. I am telling everyone I'm not "restricting" but I am going to make sure I follow the Skinny Pink Diet again. I lost weight on this plan and I hope it works again. There was also a post on the forums about "How to become Ana" which simply suggested that you knock off about 100 calories a day (or week?) until you get down to the 500's. Make sure to exercise a lot (which I'm doing) and drink tons of water.

I also found a similiar diet to the "Skinny Pink Diet" that was the "Skinny Healthy Pink Diet" that was about 1200 calories at the highest. For those of you who can't restrict as low as 350 then it might be an alternative. I, however, am going to definitely try to stick strictly to the skinny pink diet as I was doing in the past. When my body starts to act differently, I'm going to embrace the changes my body is making.

My husband lost his job recently which means that we had to relocate to his parent's place. Now, food is everywhere! They have an entire pantry full of "snacks" like candy, cookies, etc for the grandkids that come over. Needless to say my husband has been eating a lot more - and it's hard for me to watch him eat and me think about what that is doing to my body. I have made some improvements though as I can drink a half-gallon of water in one day. (Before, this was like a cup and I was dying! I hate water!). I don't know how I'll manage to survive here. The fact that I've been eating smaller portions + exercising and gaining weight pisses me off so bad. I need control and I will control myself.

Anyway, MyFitnessPal is THEMrsHansmann and I will be counting my calories there + entering my exercises. If you want to follow along with me, great! I'll add you, just make sure to mention ProAna in the request (so I know it's you guys!)

 

Skinny Pink Day 3: 450 Calories

I've been doing the Skinny Pink Diet for 2 days now, this is my 3rd. The first two days were 500 calories - which was so easy for me. I'm surprised how 500 calories can really fill you up. I ate so much my first day, I was surprised I was still under. My second day was even easier. We were doing a religious fast for my brother and sister-in law's family. So my husband and I skipped 2 meals and ate dinner at 5:30. I ate quite a lot, but was still under my calorie limit. I kind of went a bit "wild" when dinner last night since I got to have a larger portion than what I have had normally. I try to use as many food items as I can to get as close as I can to my limit without running over. This way my body thinks I'm eating a ton when really it's still only 500 calories. It's been working rather well for me these past two days. I'm down a few pounds (137, from 140). It's definitely not where I want to be but a progress. It's better than when I was traditional dieting - just trying to lessen my portions without counting and exercising - because I gained weight doing that!

Today is 450 calories which shouldn't be too bad. It's only 50 down from what I normally have. I know I can do this too. I've planned out my day so far, leaving myself 150 calories for dinner - but I think I'm going to modify it for 200 calories for dinner. My mother-in-law is cooking today and I never know what she's making in advance. I've thought about standing around and watching her prepare it so I know how to count but it's so hard because she's so sporatic! She never just cooks a meal through - she'll start and stop - making a side dish here, the main meal here, and then throwing on some rolls she had made a few days ago. Luckily I can still limit my portion size. But still, it makes it so hard to count.

Plus, they are not the most healthy eaters in this house. I doubt they even worry about how many calories are in a meal. They eat out so much too. It's like, "Tonight, I forgot to cook so we'll just go get hamburgers from Wendy's." or "Let's just make it simple and order pizza" which is always from Pizza Hut! PUKE! Plus, they always order plenty of breadsticks - which is a weakness of mine. It seems like every other weekend, they want to go out - ihop, olive garden, red lobster, etc. I would love to eat here - but there are probably 1000 calories in every single plate that comes out! My aunt Geri's birthday is on the 29th and they wanted my husband and I to go out to dinner with them. We have other plans and my mother-in-law has to work so luckily we scraped by without having to go on that trip. I was mentally panicing since you really can't control portion or calorie count when you are there. Plus, at $15 a plate, you feel bad for not eating. My father-in-law HATES wasted food, so I can't just claim I'm no longer hungry. (Well, I can but I want him to like me).

Exercise wise, though, I have been "hitting or missing" really. I at least do 30 minutes of cardio every day. This include running on my treadmill for 30 minutes on the weight-loss setting level 3. About half-way through I want to give up, so I just use a little pro-ana hate speech to motivate myself. Things like, "You'll never be thin if you quit now, fat-ass!" "If you want to weigh less you better not quit!" "If you want to be fat and ugly, quit now!" "Pick up those feet, sloth!"

On the skinny pink diet, though, it calls for an hour of sport. I at least get 30 minutes in, but the rest is sporatic throughout the day. I always always exercise before I eat anything. This is because my homeopathic doctor says it's 3x more affective and it boosts your metabolism by a lot. The very first day I did 1.5 hours of sport - my 30 minute treadmill plus 1 hour of Ultimate Frisbee. We play Ultimate every weekend - so lucky for me I get to jump, jog, run, sprint, and all kinds of great calorie burners for 1 hour and no one gets suspicious. During the week though, I normally get just the 30 minutes of treadmill and at least try to get 2 rounds of sex in with my husband - so I add that as an extra 30.

There is this great website that my homeopathic doctor recommends as well - www.hundredpushups.com - 100 push-ups a day. There is a link to 200 situps a day, 150 squats, and a ton more. I'm going to start doing the 100-push ups and 200 sit ups. It gives you a routine for every-other-day on how many you should do. It's really easy and fun. My husband and I tried it a few weeks ago but he got a job and stopped doing it with me. It's hard to do it on my own, but I'm going to start again.

I also am in love with the calorie counter someone posted under the exercise forum, it lets you know how many calories you burn doing routine things like sitting, walking, singing, showering, sleeping, and even more "athletic" things like ultimate frisbee, running, swimming, biking, etc. http://www.healthstatus.com/calculate/cbc I use this a lot because My Fitness Pal is kind of limited (IMO) in this area.

Anyway, off to breakfast before I run out of time. I have an appointment at 11 o'clock and I have to stop eating 1 hour prior and I can't eat for 3 hours after. It makes a very nice excuse for why I can't eat! I do these appointments twice a week, so no one thinks it's abnormal. Plus that, as sporatic as this house is, hardly anyone eats with each other so no ones knows if I eat or what I eat Exception is dinner, but I can manage this!

 

Day 4, 450 calories, Skinny Pink Diet.

Today is day 4 of my diet. So far, I've been doing really well. I am impressed with myself and truly feel like ana is coming to me. I had some intense cravings this morning - but we'll get into that in a bit. I just wanted to blog about my experience with this diet, the results I am seeing, and how my body is reacting. I'm sure many of you feel these same ways. This is really for me to look back on and realize the accomplishments I've made since I easily get discouraged. I hope that those following me or trying the Skinny Pink with me will use this blog to see that it can be done. Rather than be my own motivation, I'm using all of you. If I can share my experience and show that it can be done - then hopefully I will be motivation for someone else. That's my goal.

Day Four, 450 calories:

So far I've had intense cravings for food. I've suppressed them all and decided that, "Just because there is food in the house, doesn't mean I have to eat it." It's a struggle because I sometimes feel I'm the only one who will eat it and it will go to waste if I don't eat it. I've heard others express the hate for wasted food, so this is such a challenge. I have a hersey's chocolate cheesecake (640 cals a slice! Yikes!) sitting in my freezer. My husband hates cheesecake and no one else knows it's there but me. I feel like if I don't eat it, it is going to waste. I've been lucky so far as to not eat a slice since I started back into ana. A friend suggested to put little pieces in cute cups and just have one of those a day (or every other day, or on a day you have a craving) so you don't over do it. That way it's not too many calories and you can budget that in. I thought it was an excellent idea but so far haven't gotten around to doing it.

I also woke up very light headed. I've managed to not go over my calorie intake at all since I've started. I have also worked out every day since I have started. The plan calls for an hour of sport - and so far I've managed to do it. Today, though, I didn't work out in the morning like I normally do. I weighed myself - still at 137 - even though I weighed yesterday. I then decided I would eat breakfast. I had a serving of rice chex (100 calories) with milk (add another 60 because it was whole milk). I then decided to grab a coke - because I felt like if I didn't have a coke I'd die! (140 calories for the whole can). I brought it downstairs to my room, opened it, took one drink and haven't touched it since. I'm going to put it in the fridge and save it for dinner. I'm so proud of myself for not drinking the whole thing.

I've planned out my dinner for the night as well (I'm cooking so I can control the calories and portions on my plate) and so far I'm going to be right at the 450 mark. This happened yesterday too when my mother-in-law brought home fried chicken from KFC. I ate just enough and was right at 450 calories! I was so worried about going over I almost puked at the dinner table. (I was so livid about her choice to bring home KFC when I was perfectly capable of cooking!) Today is going to be another day of right at the mark. I still haven't exercised because I feel so lightheaded when I stand up. I've been drinking water today - but I've slowed down a lot. I use to drink 2 liters a day, now I'm lucky to get 1/2 a liter in. It's my own fault for not pushing myself.

I plan on doing some exercise today, but I don't know if it will equal 1 hour. I just feel like I could fall off the treadmill if I start any exercising. I'm also trying to tell myself that my low calorie intake is plenty enough to keep combating the fat that clings to my body. I just know exercise helps all the more! I will exercise tonight and I will do 1 hour. I just hate that it won't be as effective as when I would run in the morning. But, alas, some exercise is better than no exercise. Plenty of water should sustain me. When I ran yesterday (Day 3, also 450 calories) in the morning, if I hadn't had a drink of water in between sprints, I would have probably passed out on the spot. So I know I can do it.

So besides having intense cravings and feeling lightheaded and weak, so far has been a good day. I will also not go over my calorie limit today either. I'm doing great. Tomorrow, though, is 400 calories. I am feeling a bit discouraged since I've met the mark at 450 each day without staying even 1 calorie under. I think 400 is going to be a struggle for me. I can manage for one day, though, because the day after that I can eat 500 calories again! It's amazing how much I love just eating 500 calories. For some, that's so much - but for me it's perfect! Not all good things can last forever, though, because day seven is back to 400, then 450, then 350! There are only three days that are 350 calories, so if I can master it once - I can get it three times no problem! I can't imagine what it's going to be like when I get half way through this diet. Day 16 starts into some higher calorie days (600's and even one 750!) I know if I can make it through the first half - the second half will be no problem.

Anyone else doing the Skinny Pink Diet? What results have you seen? Do you manage to workout for 1 hour, if so, what do you do?

 

Hi . I'm going to try this . thanks for the tip x

 

Pursuing Perfection - What I've achieved

As many of you who have been following this blog know, I've been doing the Skinny Pink Diet. I'm on day 5 which is a 400 calorie day. This entry won't be about my diet though - I'll save that for tomorrow (even though I'm so excited to share!). Today I am going to share about what I've learned and noticed since my pursuit of perfection began.

I had been coming on this site on a daily basis, just stalking it to no end during April. After about a month, I left the site and had a little hiatus. This was for a couple of reasons:

1. My body was starting to feel the effects since I had stopped ana tendencies for about a year. I wasn't even sure what my body was feeling, it frightened me a bit so I decided to stop counting my calories and just eat smaller portions. With this, I ballooned to 140lbs.
2. My husband was really upset that I was measuring every single piece of food or ingredient when before I would just toss it in. (He prefers when I toss something together rather than measure it out). I was already under a lot of stress in my marriage, so I wanted to focus on that.
3. My best friend actually found this site with my name in it. She had been googling my other blog and came across me on this site. She gave me a call to make sure I was okay. It was just days before I had stopped coming to this site. I decided to back off since I was getting too much attention. I didn't want all that attention on me anymore, and I couldn't help but blab how many calories I had eaten. I needed to re-evaluate.

I moved in with my in-laws since my husband lost his job. I've been eating everything in the house since! My mother-in-law has tons of snack food waiting in the wings. She has a snack basket for the grandchildren that have everything from chips to chocolate bars and I woul at least eat 2 - 3 a day! I kept weighing myself at 135 - 137 which I was so unhappy about but felt stuck. Finally, 140 came and hit me. I felt like a log. I was so upset. I couldn't bare to look at myself in the mirror anymore; my face was fat, I was seeing this double chin line start, my stomach was bulging over my underwear, I felt sick to even stare. I hate the feeling of my thighs rubbing together, it drives me crazy.
Finally, I say to my husband, I'm going to start counting my calories so I know how much I'm eating - compared to how much I'm burning. I say this because I was running every day at least 30 minutes. He agreed that it was fair since he knew how unhappy I was. I told him I wouldn't go proana - but I guess I lied. There is no way I could suffer myself to eat 1000 calories and wait months and months to see any change. I instantly pulled up My Fitness Pal where I could see all my fellow ana's progressing ahead of me. I had a few new friend requests and I knew that my ana's loved me for who I was and would accept me coming back. When I go under my calories, they all congratulate me in comments. When I lose weight, I get praise and encouragement. When I am struggling, I get tips! I actually get someone who understands me and what I'm going through. Plus, I get some social enteraction outside of my husband and his family. I pulled up The Skinny Pink Diet, the one I had tried before quitting, and restarted again. (Follow my other blog to see about that progress.)

I've been exercising for an hour a day now, and adding in more exercises to push further. I've gone from 140 to 131 in five days. I've had my struggles though. My cravings hit me hard yesterday but I have a method for how to deal with this, which is how I'm pursuing perfection now - despite the word "diet". Diet and restriction have thier place. I perfer to call my method, restriction, rather than diet. Diet assumes that you won't be eating anything you like; nothing tastey can hit your lips and you will forever miss out on all your favorite foods! I learned the hard way, I can't do this. Here is an example:

Right before I went on my haitus, I had not been taking this serious. I believe I was on my second 450 calorie day when I snapped. The night before I made delicious chicken enchiladas. My husband had 3 on his plate, and I had one measley looking one on mine. It was all I could afford to eat because I was right at my max calorie limit. (Note: my chicken enchiladas are not high in calories, I just had a lot of other foods during the day before this meal). I was dying because these enchiladas were so good I only ate one and quickly went to bed to avoid temptation. I was also a little frustrated because I had platuaed about 130 and couldn't get down. (I was also not exercising 1 hour a day like I should've been). ​

The next day was my breaking point. I woke up and I weighed myself, still 130 - but pushing 131. I got so mad at myself, I just went to the fridge and ate 2 enchiladas, had a can of coke (maybe two) and just pushed off all reservations to resist. I counted my calories immediately after. My body then started to purge on it's own; I started vomitting up everything for the rest of the day. It gave me a fright so I decided that I need to back off. ​

I realize now, though, I just wasn't taking this "diet" seriously. ​

I've learned from this experience, and after much consideration, that I need to restrict myself - not starve myself. Ironic, huh? If I calculate correctly, I can still eat delicious meals with my family, have a bite of cake, or a can of coke - I just need to consider that in my calories. I've also learned that if I pack a ton of food into my days without going over calories - I don't feel like I've been denied anything delicious! A friend of mine told me to cut up my desserts into cute small paper cups (like mini-muffin tins) and then you have a 60 calorie treat that you can eat when you get a craving. I have had a chocolate cheese cake in my fridge that I cut up last night. After calculating, it's about 30 calories for each cup!

I make most of my food, so I know what goes into it. I find a recipe and enter it into My Fitness Pal, so I know how many calories are in one serving so I know if I need to cut it back. I've been going 5 days on this diet, this is my 400 calorie day, and I was so worried. The last two days I've hit right at 450 without a calorie to spare. But today, I woke up and weighed myself - and have only eaten 100 calories so far. For dinner, I've planned about 150 calories. I can even have a snack, too! Iit's just amazing to see how much I can eat - without actually eating much. My advice is to pack as much food in without going over the calorie limits. With the way this plan has worked for me, I totally burn more than the calories I take in.

Importantly, though, as you pack in your foods - remember not to over do it. I don't pack food in until I am at 450, 500, or whatever my limit is. I just put in all the food I think I want to eat today. I can then add in or take down the servings so I know I'm not going over. Then, if I have some calories left over - I can also think if I want a dessert or snack that won't braek me either. My temptation for cravings has gone way way down. I'm still really tired, though, during the day. This is normal for me but I had hoped that this laser therapy I was getting would really help that.
I have yet to start taking vitamins, but I'm considering doing so. I had taken pre-natals at one point, but then I felt like it was making me fat so I quit. Maybe when I get down to a lower bmi (less "healthy" by standards) then I will considering vitamins.

Anyway, this is the path I've chosen and I'm taking it more seriously now. In fact, to remind myself of my decision I bought a red bracelet and a dragonfly charm to wear always.

 

The Skinny Pink Diet Experience: Day 5 & 6

So I have created a new category for my entries on the Skinny Pink Diet. I'm calling it, "The Skinny Pink Diet Experience" because that's truly what it is - my experience. Yesterday was day 5, today is day 6. I didn't blog yesterday about my specific diet experience, so I'll do that today and I'll also update on how today has been going thus far.

This diet is truly so easy for me because there are no fast days. I suck at fasting. The thought of fasting is true restriction of the highest kind. I only want what I can't have - so as long as I can have some food, albiet very little, I'll be fine. It's also very forgiving. If you go over your calorie goal for one day, you just repeat it the next day. You don't "fail" and you don't have to start all over. You can just do better the next day. We all have challenges and surprises that come up. I know for me, a surprise "take-home" meal from my mother-in-law, I can't caluclate what she brings home and then have time to sit in front of MFP for 30 minutes trying to caluclate how much I can eat to be normal. I just have to put some small things on my plate and hope for the best. It's one of the reasons I give myself 200 calories for dinner because who knows what she'll make!

It also starts the first 15 days in lower calories than the last 15 days (totaly 30 days). The first half you don't eat over 500 calories. The second half, is mostly 500 - 600 calories. This is great because a "diet" is not suppose to be long term. I've experienced that if you go from eating as low as 300 calories a day to pigging out on a 1200 - 1500 calorie day, your body has some adverse effects. The last half of this diet weens us up so we can choose to go to 1000 calories or stay right around 600 - 800 calories. For those of us who do not have the mastery skills to tier ourselves back up - this diet gives that kind of boost. I do not have a "goal" for weight loss on this diet; I do hope to give my realistic experiences on it so others may use it later and have a "goal" to shoot for.

Day 5 was 400 calories. I was a little freaked on the days before this because I had been eating exactly 450 calories without wiggle room. I was afraid I couldn't manage to get below that. I was also worried about my 350 days coming up (Day 9, 11, and 14). Luckily, yesterday, I ate around 357 calories! This made me feel so reliefed since this means 350 is totally doable without starvation! Today I'm in charge of dinner, so I know what I'm making and I've planned out every little detail for this 500 calorie day. I am going to feast! (I might have even a small little cup of cheesecake!)

I have been pouring myself into exercise, which feels amazing! Yesterday, I walked for 30 minutes around the grocery store with my mother-in-law. I stared at all the food and I didn't even crave it. This diet has done wonders for conditioning me to my non-eating self. I'm no longer a pig (even if I weigh as much as one). After that, we came home to eat dinner, which she made. It was soft tacos. Luckily I knew what she was making before we left for the store so I got to calculate how much to eat. I didn't eat a shell. I just put lettuce, tomato, slight amount of cheese, and a teaspoon size sour cream. It was perfectly simple and so short in calories. My mother-in-law questioned if I liked the soft shells (which I normally eat hard when I had tacos in the past) and I just simply commented that I wanted a salad instead she was happy to that answer and I was under no suspicion. Even as we walked around the store and I was secretly checking the food labels, I suppressed my surprise/digust at how many calories were in each item. She even was talking about a food item of which my ana-mind was saying, "Oh, and think of all the calories!" but I refrained.

After dinner, since I didn't get the chance to exercise before, I had my husband take me to the recreational center to swim laps. I did 10 laps across this giant pool. We were there an hour. MFP rang that up as about 500+ calories burned for the day. I'd say that's pretty damn successful. After swimming I was so drained I didn't think I'd make it home. Of course, I did and took a shower right after (pool water dries my hair out so bad!). I even managed to do my 20 sqauts, 30 jumping jacks, 15 leg thrust, 20 twist routine. I do this every other day and on the opposite days I do www.hundredpushups.com for my pushups and situps. Supposed when I'm done, I'll be doing 100 pushups and 200 situps. (They also have squats and dips too!)

I went to bed and seriously had a dream about eating a Krispy Kreme donut. The kind that has chocolate frosting and sprinkles, yum! I would never eat a KK in real life, though. I can't image how many calories it has and it should really never be a part of my diet anyway. I might have to break one up into little cups like my cheesecake and eat it along the way. I know for a fact you can freeze KK's.

I woke up early this morning, surprisingly, and did my sit-ups and push-ups. I'm feeling very tired and lightheaded recently. It's hard for me to stay away. This is why I'm not running in the morning like I normally do. I have been trying to do some exercises though before breakfast. Today I had some rice chex and milk. My portion equals about 160 calories because I have whole milk. But that is just a drop in the pool for 500 calories. If this were a 350 calorie day, I might have scaled back. But, as I stated before, I'm feasting today!

Despite most of my muscles hurting (from my intense exercise on my out-of-shape body) and being lightheaded I feel fantastic. I wake up feeling so light. I am tempting to weigh myself every day but I know from past experience this is no good way. I start to obsess of my scales and why they won't move. I weighed myself yesterday at 131, and this morning - despite my doubt - I weighed again at the exact same 131. I am not fretting, or trying not to, because it's only been one day. So far I've lost 9 pounds in 6 days, that's pretty great. I'm hoping for 10 pounds by the end of day seven/beginning of day 8. I can already see my collarbone which is finally nice to see. I also can see a very very faint outline of my hipbones. It's not yet where I need it to be, but hopefully it will get there by the end of this diet.

I occasionally see people participating in challenges - and I get the notion to try one but I stop. I know that if I'm focusing all my thoughts on this one plan and not get distracted by other plans (or challenges) then I will lose the most. I feel like if I'm constantly trying to do too many things I fail at all of them rather than just trying one thing until I succeed.

 

The Skinny Pink Diet Experience: Day 7

So far I've been doing remarkably well for myself on this diet. Today is Day 7. That means, by tomorrow, I would have been doing this diet for a week. I've found most of this to be easy - as it always seems in the beginning. With the past few days though I've been having some difficult times. I'm freaking out when my mother-in-law is in charge of dinner, when I get invited out to eat, when I'm trying to eat what I want, etc. I have been good to give myself "treats" that I can afford in my diet. It seems to be working. Part of me just wants to run into a Culver's and buy a butter burger and fries. Ugh, the pressure.

I have no yet gone over my calories and had to repeat another day. I thought certainly yesterday I would have to. My friend had made spanish rice and some chicken. Fortunately, though, she was taking care of a fussy baby too much to notice I shoved most of it onto my husband's plate. I am sure I ate no more than 200 calories. My husband and I had to go shopping right afterwards and I almost died seeing all these cake bites with sprinkles. I want to just eat them all and pig out. I was seriously on the verge of a binge every second of yesterday. I resisted.

Today/Tonight will be interesting however. There is an event we are going to that is over-night. It's a bunch of arcade games and entertainment but generally they have pizza. I am so craving pizza . After the event is over, around 9am the next morning, they generally go to a belgian waffle place. My husband loves it there and I know he'll want to go. Today is 400 calories, tomorrow is 450. I haven't eaten anything yet today, despite my plan to eat breakfast. I had a laser therapy treatment today so no food for the next 3 hours. Surprisingly, I'm not craving nor hungry. I won't weigh myself until tomorrow though because I'm afraid I haven't lost that extra pound. I wanted to lose 10 pounds in this first week. I had reached 9 pounds so quickly, what is one more? I hope it came off, but only tomorrow will tell.

Sunday is my 350 calorie day, this will be interesting. I'll blog more about that on Sunday I suppose. Today, I am trying to figure out if I want to eat or just spluge on a slice of pizza.

I didn't get to exercise yesterday which totally bummed me out. I know I will exercise today. I have to get my fat ass back on the treadmill if I ever want to see results.

 

The Skinny Pink Diet Experience: Day 8, failed.

Day 8 literally failed 5 minutes after it started. From no fault of my own, really.

Last night I knew would be difficult. I went to an over-night gaming party with my husband. It started at midnight. We were busying playing games when everyone started calling for pizza. My husband said he was going to get pizza then he'd be right back. I waited for a bit and he wasn't coming. Since I didn't know anyone and felt weird just sitting there in a corner by myself, I decided to go find him. He was eating a slice of pizza - my favorite kind - and even though we had been having the conversation all day about how I wasn't planning on eating ANYTHING he offers me a bite. Before I knew it, I had taken a tiny bite, which led to another tiny bite, which lead to me eating 2 slices and my husband's 20 oz Coca-cola. 800 calories total! I was only allowed 450 for the day so I smashed that one out of the ballpark.

At this moment, I'm getting pissed at myself and frustrated at my willpower. So I tell my husband, I have to go walking right away. I walked 3 miles total, which only burned like 236 calories. That at least burned off the coke - but not the pizza. I decided then that whatever else I consumed in my day of weakness, I would burn them off. I must burn every last one of those calories off! So, it is now 10:30am here. I've eaten 1260 calories total from midnight until now. (My husband took me to breakfast and ordered a belgian waffle. No syrup, no butter, I just ate it plain so the 9 other guests wouldn't think I'm an idiot. Plus I had a glass of milk I know I'm weak.)

The Skinny Pink Diet, though, is very forgiving. If you mess up one day - you just have to do that day over. So I'm going to do my best not to eat another thing today - and burn off all these calories I've put into my body. I have a round of Ultimate Frisbee tonight, which normally goes 1 hour. This will burn 500 calories no problem. I've already burned 236 total so far. 736 calories that I know of for sure, which just means I need to burn 524 calories. If I do my treadmill work that's an extra 160 on the count. Regardless, though, before Ultimate tonight, I'm going to try to burn as many calories as I can. If I go over 1260 great! But I won't stop until I at least burn that many calories!

Now, how do I burn 1000 calories, and FAST?!

 

run like hell and have a lot of sex with ur hubby lol, just playin, but figured it might make you smile. i admire how much discipline you have, but i also had a pizza mess up yesterday. all i had was an eggroll then a slim fast... then drank some tequila then the next thing i know 2 pizza slices were in my tummy.. ick.. and i cant puke it would take me an hour or more of trying. good luck girl!

 

The Skinny Pink Diet Experience: Day 9

For those of you who have been following, you might have read about how Day 8 was a huge failure for me. Not only did I binge close to 1800 calories - it was all in junk food! Pizza, soda, and waffles! With the Skinny Pink Diet, however, if you fail on a day - you just repeat that day again. I get to continue right where I was instead of starting over. I think after I ate that first piece of pizza, I just said, "Screw it, eat it!". Eat I did.

That day, instead of getting totally down on myself, I decided to motivate myself. I jumped on the oppourtunities to burn calories to get rid of all the binge food. I jumped rope, I did the ellipitcal trainer, the stationary bike, I swam...and then I played Ultimate Frisbee for 1.5 hours. Total, My Fitness Pal said I burned 2069 calories. I felt pretty good that day despite having eaten like a gluten. I felt confident in getting back into the diet without failing again. Day 8 was yesterday and 450 calories. I stayed within that limit and am ready for today...

350 calories...

It's the day I've been dreading for a long time. Here is a day when eating is very limited but it can be done. I am actually not as anxious as I thought I would be when I got here. I had an allergy treatment today, so I can't eat until 12pm anyway. I can eat about 10 grapes then wait for dinner. I'm cooking dinner tonight. I still haven't figured out exactly what I'm making yet, but I will know my portion will be just enough.

I have always had digestive problems, and going to the bathroom is not something I frequently do. (I pee a lot because of water, but other bathroom habits are less frequent). I haven't gone to the bathroom probably since I started this diet. I don't know if it's the diet (I doubt it) or just me. I've been exercising (a known habit to cause BM's), I have taken Miralax 2 days in a row, I don't know what else to do! I probably don't eat as much fiber as I should, but that is not something I'm going to try to eat a lot of today on my 350 calories. Maybe tomorrow when I bulk back up to 500. I took a probiotic with 8 billion micro-organisms in it. We will see if this helps too.

It's almost been 10 days, which is pretty close to being half done. So far, I weighed myself this morning, I'm still at just 9 pounds of weight loss. This happened within the first 5 days. It could be water weight. I could also not be losing anymore since I can't seem to pass a BM. I'm still hanging on at 131 (barely). My exercise plans are as follow: Walk 3 miles. Run 30 mins. Do my sit-ups and push-ups for the day. I may try doing 1000 jumping jacks since that seems to be a good way to burn calories. I am not going to get a chance to go to the recreational center today, which is a bummer since I want to sit in the sauna to see if that helps at all. I will update my measurements today on MFP to see if I'm losing inches. I can see my collarbone with assurity. My hip bones are still hidden a bit, but my stomach is much flatter than before. I still have a little bit of a "pouch" under my belly button, but definitely decreased since I started. I think with all the core exercises I do, plus the cardio, I can definitely get that toned up. I'm still pretty optimistic.

I've also been thinking about what I will do once I've completed the Skinny Pink Diet. I have discussed doing the Master Cleanse, then starting another diet after that. We will see - but I won't do anything until I complete this diet and share my results. I feel like results are few and far between here. It's nice to see what happens on the diet I don't have a before picture, which sucks, but I will have an after!!

 

The Skinny Pink Diet Experience: Day 10, and again...

I will be thin...

Day 10 is 500 calories. Simple, right? I've done a lot of days with 500 calories in my lifetime. I shouldn't have failed on a 500 calorie day! Day 9 was 350, and I was barely touching the mark! I was so good on Day 9. Why should Day 10 get me!

Well it did. So, here I am, repeating my 500 calorie day. I think my problem (excuse) is that I have had a problem with constipation. This is so not abnormal for me, but it had been a long time so I was freaking out about how much weight I had been holding on to. The scales haven't moved in days and I'm hating 130. It's better than 140, but I won't be happy until it's 120. Then I will stop caring so much (I think) about it not moving as much. It should be moving!

I didn't even exercise yesterday. Yesterday was a huge failure for me. I went probably 300 calories over - basically doubling the calories I would have had already that day. I heard once that binging is good for your diet, though, because it helps your body stay regulated. Your metabolism is always guessing. It may be true, but I just had a binge on day 8. I didn't want another one.

But, here I am trying over. Which means if I succeed, tomorrow is the Fouth of July (Independence Day for us American's). The Forth of July is a huge cookout. Still, I think I can manage to eat just fruit. My family knows I haven't been feeling well. They think it's also the constipation. I know it's because I'm upset with still having all this weight on me - partly beacuse of the constipation.

I've started a probiotic that's for digestive health. It has 8 billion micro-organisms. I think that it should help. There was another one with a lot more - but it was $50! I wasn't about to pay that. So I choked up $15 instead. I'm now making progress, so hopefully I will see results by the end of the week. My scale in my bathroom says I'm right at 130. The scale in the kitchen (the whore) says I'm 133.5. I have to weigh in the kitchen with my clothes on, but I don't think either of them are right. So, right now, I'm not updating my weight until I'm sure!

So far I've eaten 218 calories just for this morning. I tried to have a fiber rich diet, so I had 1/4 cup oatmeal, quick, with water and no salt. I had 1 peach and 8 oz of Apple Cider. The Apple Cider is what really kills me but it's suppose to help move my system around. This leaves me 282 for the day. I am sure I can manage that since I'm cooking tonight. I have yet to figure out what I'm cooking, but it will be healthy

Also, I got my pro-ana bracelet in the mail today so that should help with my struggling. I now have a constant reminder that I will be skinny! I just have to keep motivated! I need to have more willpower and control over my body. No worries, my next report won't be as disappointing.

 

Pursuing Perfection - Patience is a Virtue

I had been blogging a bit back on my Skinny Pink Diet experience. That failed after about 10 days. I just caved and got so pissed at my inability to lose weight. I had such a dramatic result then plateaued. Discourged, I retreated back into reality and stopped counting calories, exercising, and weighing/measuring myself. I was just so upset. Not only that, I was negative. I felt ignored, like no one cared about me (I still have this feeling, actually) and that every time I needed support or help, no one was there. I had started the Skinny Pink for my anas and I felt that in the end, no one was there - that I was just talking to an empty space (which is still the feeling I get, but I'm just going to push through it).

Well, I'm still on that plateau. I haven't lose or gained any weight, I'm still 128 - 130lbs. I have lost inches and then gained a few elsewhere. I watch what I intake, trying to stay at least below 1000 calories each day. I do sit-ups, push-ups or squats every time I have to go to the bathroom (trying to fit in some exercise somewhere in the day). All of this, though, hasn't helped me get any closer to my ultimate goal.

We are on the brink of a new month. I really want to buy new clothes for fall. My husband says he agrees to let me buy something at the end of September. Now, most of this I don't believe because he will always find some excuse to not let me get what I want. He will keep pushing it and pushing it back so that I forget I ever wanted anything. He says I can, but when I asked him if I can just pre-order so that it arrives at the end of September (that way garunteeing that I will get something) he refuses. But, I will try not to dwell on the reality that I probably won't be able to get any new clothes and just work on my goal.

My goal is, since I am suppose to be recieving clothes at the end of September, that I want to be at least 120 pounds. 10 pounds in 1 month. It's lofty, very lofty, but I will do my best to achieve it. I am now going to start counting my calories meticulously. If I don't know the calorie count (or don't trust it) I'm not eating it. Food will not go near my lips if I don't know how many calories it contains. I will do at least 30 minutes of exercise five times a week. I will start to blog under, "September Slim Down Challenge" in this blog to let you know the details of my day.

My biggest struggle right now is work. I work in the medical field and we often have drug salesmen who bring us lunch or candy or drinks, etc. The people at my work also "force me" to eat. By this, I don't mean they physically open my mouth and shovel in the food - but they might as well. Here is how it goes: I will go to my car and drive around and then come back and say I went out for lunch. That I already ate. They ask, "Oh, what did you eat?" I will say, "Cheeseburger," they will say, "Oh, that's not enough! You have to eat something else!" It's like they see right through me. So, this woman will reach into the fridge and pull out a frozen dinner, and cook it in the microwave and set it in front of me, and wait for me to eat it. I repeatedly tell her, prior to her cooking, "No, really I already ate. I'm so full, I couldn't eat any more. Please don't cook it, I can't eat it." But, she still does and they all sit and they all watch and I have to eat it. I get so pissed!

Everyone in my office (except for one girl who really helps me out by not letting me eat extra junk like candy or crackers or chips. We hold each other accountable by smacking food out of each other's hands. We allow each other lunch, but that's it. No extras) is fat! They are all overweight. I even have this girl (drives me crazy) who is heavy (not obese, but not thin by any means) who will bring "healthy" food like a salad, but she has it layed with meat and cheese and smothered in dressing, then finishes it off with a dark chocolate bar - because it's "good for you" the antioxidants and such. Really, then why are you overweight and still wearing an extra large?

She ordered one day from the cheesecake factory a huge plate of pasta (lunch size but still over 1000 calories, I checked everything on that menu) and then finishes it off with these three brownie pieces. Now, the brownie pieces were not nearly as huge as a slice of cheesecake, even when you put them together. But then she put an ENTIRE CARTON (about a pint) of ice cream on it, plus smothered it in hot chocolate fudge. It made me so sick. I had 2 pieces of shrimp. I couldn't stand to watch her eat. Not only that, she chews with her mouth open. It's disgusting. In fact, yesterday at work she looked at me and my friend and said, (because we were already done eating), "What did you two have for lunch? Oh, let me guess. A raisen. Oh, two raisens?" "You guys eat such a small amount it makes me sick," I didn't say anything back, but I was thinking, "Watching you eat a pound of hamburger with your chips with your mouth open makes me sick,".

Now that I got that off my chest I can go ahead and get myself a big bottle of water (I haven't eaten yet today, YAY!) and do some exercise. I have also started taking raspberry ketones and Hydroxycut Max. I took two of each this morning so hopefully I can get rid of some of this FAT clinging to my body. Here are my before pictures, and I will upload more at the end of the month (regardless if I meet my goal or not, I need to know and remind myself of my failures as well as sucesses).

If you can't see the pictures, go to my albums I've uploaded them there! Thanks!

 

Pursuing Perfection, Disaster Pending...

Today was day one without Hydroxycut Max. I ran out My husband refuses to buy it for me (yet) because it's so expensive. I can get it online for much much less, but he still is putting up a stink. I hate not having control enough to buy myself something!

Since I am not taking an appetite suppressant, I'm constantly "white knuckling" it as they would say. I went for a 3-mile walk this morning before I consumed anything but my vitamins. I haven't drank much water today either. I hardly do when I am at home. After my walk, I was sick to my stomach. I had a banana and a half a glass of milk. It didn't get any better. Finally, I ate a fun-size butterfinger (100 calories) and it made me feel much better. I'm guessing I had low blood sugar.

Yesterday, at work, we ordered from a place called Mimi's Cafe. It is delicious food but so high in calories. You can find a good few options though. Sad thing is, most of my co-workers ordered these giant HUGE muffins. I took one home I can't imagine why I did this. I thought I'd cut it into 1/4's or something and eat part of it each day - minimizing the calorie intake. Today, after my breakfast + butterfinger, I can't afford to eat that muffin + dinner. So I'm saving my calories for dinner. I'm cooking so I know I can manage 200 calories and hit just about 500 calories for the day, not including the exercise I've complete today...or the binge of green grapes I'm having right now.

I couldn't stop myself! I grabbed a cup and filled it up with grapes and have been eating them slowly. Better grapes than the muffin! Or the breadstick with marinara sauce. Or the Regular Coke, calling my name! I am going to have to get something quick to stop me from feeling hungry or I may just gain any weight back that I've already lost. Plus, this girl wants me to bring her "treats" tomorrow since she didn't get any of the baked goods I've made in the last month for all the parties I had to attend. I don't know what I will do! I want to make these mint fudge brownies I make, but I know that I won't have control enough not to eat them. I will just have to tell her I forgot or that I'll make something next week since I have to cater an office party and I know I can save a few for her.

In the meantime, I'm going to do an arm workout and watch the clock tick down until 5pm when I eat. Any ideas on what I can take to make me not hungry?

 

September 1st

Here it is, September 1st. My goal is to lose 10 pounds by the end of the month. That's a little over 3 pounds a week. I will probably not lose 10 pounds, but I certainly will try. I will also at least be happy if I get down to 120. Which is just 8 pounds. Which is 2 pounds a week. Which is do-able in most "diet and exercise" standards.

Here it is, September 1st. What do I do, knowing that I have this challenge? I pig out. A royal feast. Cookies, orange juice, chocolate milk, syrup, you name it - I ate it. I didn't even count my calories after the 4th cookie because at that point, I was just done. Here is how today went:

I woke up and finished my routine of pee, get naked, weigh. I have church, so I do my workout (about 15 minutes) and I get ready for church. I have to visit a woman in my church before service, so I do that at about 10:30am. At this time, I have only taken my hydroxycut max and my raspberry ketones. I am sitting on this woman's couch and feel my energy just zap. I am suspectant that my mentrual cycle is about to start. I am also suspectant that my cycle (or preperation thereof) is messing with my pills. Normally, I feel fine. Not only do I feel fine, I do not feel hungry. At the time in question, I did not feel hungry. I felt sick. I come home to my husband, we go to the first part of church, then we leave because I'm feeling drained.

My mother-in-law and father-in-law are talking in the kitchen. He tells me to eat a bear claw. I go to cut one in half, he says "You have to take teh full thing" so of course, I don't want to refuse it now, so I eat the whole thing. 180 calories. I start talking about how I'm not feeling well. My mother-in-law asks me what supplements I take. I lie. Then my husband eats a cookie, and then I eat a cookie. Then about 15 minutes later, I eat another one. After my husband leaves the room, I have another one. I think total, though I lost count, I had about 5. They are 130 per 3 cookies. So, let's just say, I had 6 for all purposes. That's 260. Including the bear claw, that's 440! That's 60 calories away from my daily limit! That's not including the green grapes I munched on; no telling how many I ate or how many calories that was!

I retreat to my room. I do 1000 jumping jacks. Roughly, let's say, 500 calories. I start to feel better. I can take a short nap and feel empty again. Freedom! Let's do this.

I go upstairs for dinner. We're having a buffet style breakfast. French toast, scrambled eggs, sausage, turkey bacon, regular bacon, and hash browns. I put a tablespoon of eggs, smother them in hot sauce. I have a tablespoon of hash browns, nothing on top. I have two slices of turkey bacon. By tablespoon, I do mean like a large spoon from the drawer - a "tablespoon" in silverware standards. I then opt to have a single slice (the heal) of french toast with just a slight touch of butter and just enough pure maple syrup. I cut it into a billion little bites and I'm done. I feel satisfied with the amount of eaten, without needing more, without feeling "stuffed" or "guilty".

My husband is in a bad mood so he retreats downstairs. I follow. We talk. We get called up for dessert. It's carrot cake. I eat a slice. I find the icing very rich in sugar, but I eat it anyway. I felt guilty, but I still ate it. Not only that, I get myself a cup of home-made hot chocolate. It's cold but I drink it. I drink it slowly, it makes me feel full. I let it settle, and suddenly, I'm having another one. Everyone leaves, and my husband is helping my father-in-law assemble these shelving units. What am I doing? Having about 2 pieces of real bacon and possible 3 pieces of turkey bacon. Oh! And another cup of hot chocolate. Yes, I am really that fat. Yes, I really do not have the will power. Yes, I cannot possibly have an eating disorder knowing how much I have eaten. I am probably disgusting ANYONE who is reading this right now.

I come downstairs, with a piece of bacon still in my mouth, and tell my husband I am such a failure. He smiles at me. He thinks I'm cute. I think I'm fat. I hula-hoop. I heard this is good for you. I do this for about 5 minutes total. Why? Because I suck at hula-hooping. Now, I am going to retreat back into my room and hope to everything that is good and right in this dreaded world I can do another 1000 jumping jacks. Will it make a difference? Probably not on my fat-ass.

Tomorrow, we are grilling out - hamburgers. Why? Because it is Labor Day. I have the day off, so I will - WILL - fast until dinner. I will have my burger made from ground turkey. No cheese. Just relish - homemade zuchini relish, good stuff. I will wrap it in lettuce. I will not have chips. I will not have a bun. I will NOT have dessert. Tuesday, I will begin a water fast until Thursday. I will avoid food at any and all costs. Thursday, I will cook. I will be able to eat solid food then - only on the account that I will not eat over 500 calories. In fact, I hope to keep it around 300! I must must be successful.

Some days I just think, "Man, you must not want this as bad as you think. Otherwise, those cookies and cake wouldn't even phase you. You could avoid it and say, 'No thank you' and go on being skinny. Instead, you pig out and think that if you exercise it off that you will be okay. But you won't! Once you've put it into your mouth, your exercise becomes mute. It's already fat stored into your body." I just must not want it bad enough. But I do want it, I do in some capacity want it. If I could be happy with my body...if I didn't care so much about wanting to be perfect, I wouldn't keep doing this to myself...but I do.

Here is to tomorrow, another day. God help me, God help us all.

 

Thank you so much for writing this. If I had the time or patience I could tell a similar story.... August 31st was my son's 1st birthday. That cake just sits there and yells at me, and then he yells for a taste. Then I've eaten 10 times as much as I've given him, and I feel defeated. Hang in there, don't give up, but just know that it is actually inspiring to hear the honesty in your thought process and the fact that you can share it is even more amazing. <3

 

September 2nd

September 2nd.

I don't know that I will post every day in September - it might get a little boring. Then again, I may do it. It just depends on how I feel. Since yesterday was such a debocle, I decided that I must share how my day went today to prove to you all that I'm not a gigantic failure or mess.

Last night in my blog I challenged myself and said, "I will only eat dinner tomorrow" furthermore I stated "I will have a turkey burger, wrapped in lettuce, relish only, no bun, no chips, no fries, no dessert". I am here to tell you, I did it!!

I wrapped my perfectly formed turkey burgers that I hand-patted in lettuce. I did add some fresh garden tomatoes. I did add mustard (no calories FTW!) and of course, my homemade zuchinni relish. I believe, from what I've been able to calculate, each burger (there were 2), weighed about 4 ounces each. 4 ounces of ground turkey, 140 calories. (Yeah, I had two. I know, I'm fat.) So, 280 calories total.

I didn't count the lettuce (that seems just silly) or the tomatoes (because I decided it was another vegatable) nor did I count my relish (because it's hard to say). Either way, with all the "extras" I didn't count, I am sure I hit about 500 calories. Why 500 you say? Because I had a can of regular coke. It's my weakness. I can't have diet/caffeine free drinks because they give me migraines. I'd rather just enjoy a can every month and deal with it. Yeah, I know, I'm fat.

To top it off, before dinner, my husband I had walked the mall for an hour. After doing 1500 jumping jacks yesterday, my body is very very sore, but I walked like a champ. Did I calculate how many calories I burned off? It would probably be equivalent to two slices of tomatoes. Not really enough to knock out a turkey burger or the can of coke. So, I didn't add this. I did however have to walk through the food court and avoid all the samples they were handing out. Nothing touched these lips until turkey burger labor day dinner

Tomorrow, I start to fast! Well, technically, right now is when I start to fast! Nothing but water will touch these lips until Wednesday night when my husband said he would feel best if I at least ate dinner. I said that I would see how I felt. So, perhaps a 100 calorie dinner, then regular Thursday day. Of course, our kitchen is going to be torn up next week starting Monday, so no kitchen action for the week. What a life saver! Plus, in 3 days (Thursday again) I am getting an infected tooth removed. So when I say I will eat "regularly" on Thursday - I didn't mean that since I am probably not going to be able to eat anything due to having a tooth removed. Can anyone say 3 day (almost) fast!

I hope to stay motivated and not cheat anymore. I consider the second turkey burger I had to be cheating - since I really only said one. Not only that, I never said anything about a regular coke! That is a total cheat! That sugar is going to be stored on my fat-ass-and-thighs for what will seem like eternity. My scale this morning said 130, can we say "Fuck you!" I can! It can't be that I gained 2 pounds over night! I know I had a binge day - but seriously, 2 pounds? If this isn't my period moving in, I will take a knife to my legs to cut off the fat.

I had a dream that I wroke in black marker on my thighs and on my stomach the word, "Fat" in bold big letters to stay on during my fast so I know what I am looking for. Everytime I look in the mirror, I will know, and it shall serve as motivation. I will be wearing long pants all day and I never expose my stomach so I think it might work. As long as I can hide it from my husband, I should be okay!

Until tomorrow, another day.

PS: Not taking my supplements until my period comes and goes. Today, I didn't take anything, and never once felt hungry. Maybe I can accomplish this mind-over-body thing. Feel free to call me a cheater and a fat-ass in the comments below. I know I didn't really "succeed" at my challenge today, but at least I didn't binge! But, cheating is still cheating and I don't get a star for that.

WISHLIST:

Heart Monitor and Food Scale. Go to my accountability thread for more!

 

Hello, I am a fat ass.

If anyone is following my blog, I apologize. I am the worst disappointment known to Ana. I swear, I must not have an eating disorder because I have no fucking control at all. None. I can't make one day sucessful.

Today, I ate some much I don't even know what I ate. I drank maybe a liter of water, at best. I am on a downhill spiral that just leads me into more and more eating. In fact, I really though the other day (as I pigged out on a bag of chips and oreos) Who the fuck cares if I'm fat? Why can't I just love myself? Then, I woke up the next day (today) determined to fast again. I fasted for 20 hours, then caved and ate so much and begged my husband to just bring me more cookies. Luckily, he knows that I'll do into so much depression if he did. I am on my way there because I just can't stand that I have lost any and all control.

I wrote in permenant marker on my thighs and on my stomach "FAT" in big, black letters so I could stare at it through the day. Did it deter me from eating? Yes. Until I got home then pigged out. Today, I woke up ready to fast again. Did I? Oh no! I had a red berry waffle from special K for breakfast, drank a liter of water and had half a stack of graham crackers, plus 4 chocolate chips cookies, two waffle fries, 3 carrots with artichoke dip, a chicken enchilda and a salad plus a handful of chips. I feel so overwhelmingly full I can feel my stomach expanding. Which is just great.

I've been blaming this on my pre-period. Have I started my cycle? Fuck no. In fact, I don't even know if it will start this week. It may be too early! I am just making this excuse because someone said to me, "Man, you must be getting ready to start your period! You are eating like crazy!" Oh, thanks, jackass! Instead of stopping, I just embraced it, "Yes, I must be! Please pass the cookies!"

Tomorrow I get my tooth pulled and a bone graft done. God I wish it would just make it so I couldn't eat but my dentist is so good I'll be having solid food by the evening. What can I do? I feel totally alone. I desperately need someone to be with me and tell me that I don't want to eat, remind me why I am doing this, why I want to be thin, why I don't like food! Push me to control myself! I know how hard it is to get control.

I remember a time when food had absolutely no appeal to me. I would look at food and get too disgusted or feel full I couldn't eat it. Now, I look at food, think of food, dream of food, and eat it all! This whole, "every day is a new day" thing is just a crutch. Tomorrow, yes, is a different day. But it won't change the failures from the day before. When I step on the scale tomorrow and it reads 130, I'm going to fucking scream. I weighed at 126 - 127 this morning but I don't dare log that until it reads that way for 3 days or more. Why? Because it flucates so much I know tomorrow, now that I've binged over 1300 calories I'm sure, probably closer to 2000, it has to be. It could even be more! I didn't even CARE what I shoved in my mouth today! Those graham crackers were so fucking addicting. I hate myself, I hate being fat, I hate feeling miserable, I just want to be happy with my body and I will never be happy until I get control over my food or until I can just stop eating period! If I could just stop eating...I would be happy.

Needless to say, another challenge fucking failed. I am never going to lose 10 pounds now that the first week of the month is practically over and I've gained 2 pounds. If anyone knows a good way to lose 10 pounds or gain control over these fucking binges, I am all ears! In fact, I'm thinking about going on a cabbage soup diet! I must fast tomorrow and eat nothing but cabbage soup for the rest of the month - I'll surely lose weight then. If only I could really do that...I can't because I'm weak, worthless, meaningless, a failure, a fat-ass. I don't even like me, I can't even help myself, why would anyone else want to help me?

I swear, I hope I choke and die on the next fucking thing I shove in my mouth...but the stupid thing is, I don't want to die fat....

 

September 2nd

September 2nd.

I don't know that I will post every day in September - it might get a little boring. Then again, I may do it. It just depends on how I feel. Since yesterday was such a debocle, I decided that I must share how my day went today to prove to you all that I'm not a gigantic failure or mess.

Last night in my blog I challenged myself and said, "I will only eat dinner tomorrow" furthermore I stated "I will have a turkey burger, wrapped in lettuce, relish only, no bun, no chips, no fries, no dessert". I am here to tell you, I did it!!

I wrapped my perfectly formed turkey burgers that I hand-patted in lettuce. I did add some fresh garden tomatoes. I did add mustard (no calories FTW!) and of course, my homemade zuchinni relish. I believe, from what I've been able to calculate, each burger (there were 2), weighed about 4 ounces each. 4 ounces of ground turkey, 140 calories. (Yeah, I had two. I know, I'm fat.) So, 280 calories total.

I didn't count the lettuce (that seems just silly) or the tomatoes (because I decided it was another vegatable) nor did I count my relish (because it's hard to say). Either way, with all the "extras" I didn't count, I am sure I hit about 500 calories. Why 500 you say? Because I had a can of regular coke. It's my weakness. I can't have diet/caffeine free drinks because they give me migraines. I'd rather just enjoy a can every month and deal with it. Yeah, I know, I'm fat.

To top it off, before dinner, my husband I had walked the mall for an hour. After doing 1500 jumping jacks yesterday, my body is very very sore, but I walked like a champ. Did I calculate how many calories I burned off? It would probably be equivalent to two slices of tomatoes. Not really enough to knock out a turkey burger or the can of coke. So, I didn't add this. I did however have to walk through the food court and avoid all the samples they were handing out. Nothing touched these lips until turkey burger labor day dinner

Tomorrow, I start to fast! Well, technically, right now is when I start to fast! Nothing but water will touch these lips until Wednesday night when my husband said he would feel best if I at least ate dinner. I said that I would see how I felt. So, perhaps a 100 calorie dinner, then regular Thursday day. Of course, our kitchen is going to be torn up next week starting Monday, so no kitchen action for the week. What a life saver! Plus, in 3 days (Thursday again) I am getting an infected tooth removed. So when I say I will eat "regularly" on Thursday - I didn't mean that since I am probably not going to be able to eat anything due to having a tooth removed. Can anyone say 3 day (almost) fast!

I hope to stay motivated and not cheat anymore. I consider the second turkey burger I had to be cheating - since I really only said one. Not only that, I never said anything about a regular coke! That is a total cheat! That sugar is going to be stored on my fat-ass-and-thighs for what will seem like eternity. My scale this morning said 130, can we say "Fuck you!" I can! It can't be that I gained 2 pounds over night! I know I had a binge day - but seriously, 2 pounds? If this isn't my period moving in, I will take a knife to my legs to cut off the fat.

I had a dream that I wroke in black marker on my thighs and on my stomach the word, "Fat" in bold big letters to stay on during my fast so I know what I am looking for. Everytime I look in the mirror, I will know, and it shall serve as motivation. I will be wearing long pants all day and I never expose my stomach so I think it might work. As long as I can hide it from my husband, I should be okay!

Until tomorrow, another day.

PS: Not taking my supplements until my period comes and goes. Today, I didn't take anything, and never once felt hungry. Maybe I can accomplish this mind-over-body thing. Feel free to call me a cheater and a fat-ass in the comments below. I know I didn't really "succeed" at my challenge today, but at least I didn't binge! But, cheating is still cheating and I don't get a star for that.

WISHLIST:

Heart Monitor and Food Scale. Go to my accountability thread for more!

 

September 8th

I know it has been a few days since my last post but I really didn't have anything to go on about.

Quick update: I haven't lost any weight. In fact, I went up to 130 lbs again, but I am back down to 128.

I had dental surgery day 3 days ago. I binged the very first day it was done, as soon as the pain was gone. After that, I did a little better, I had a chocolate eclair binge, just one but it was enough. For those two days, I was eating nothing but homemade soup that MFP said was only about 30 calories a cup. It was filling, definitely, but I didn't lose any weight. I can't exercise because my mouth still hurts. Monday, I will start again because now I'm healing up quite nicely

To que you in on how my teeth are: on my bottom row of teeth I am missing two in the exact same place on opposite sides. It makes it extremely difficult to have any hard food because I am only chewing on one tooth in the back. I have really bad teeth. Both my parents had dentures at the age of 40. I have found that I have no shame telling anyone anything on this site because no one judges me and it feels blissful. Anyway, back to my teeth. My husband and I are planning on getting me braces at the beginning of the year. I will have to wear them for 2 years, but it will be worth it in the end to have straight and perfect teeth. Once I get braces, I can get implants where I am missing teeth. In fact, I was born without any lateral teeth. Meaning most people have their front teeth, laterals, then kanines. I have front teeth and kanines. Why? I have no idea. I have 4 teeth in my top smile and I look like an idiot. I've hated them for years. I get it's my "signature" to have this gap-tooth, but I hate it and I want it closed! My husband doesn't want me to close it because he thinks I am cute with it - but he doesn't have to live with this god-awful smile. Okay, maybe he does...

Enough about my teeth. (I really am obsessive). I have a new stradegy to hopefully get over this plateau of 130. I am going to intermittantly fast. So far, just after 30 hours of fasting, I have regained my 128 glory after my 2 bad-binge days. Tonight, I'm going to eat my dinner - less than 500 calories I hope - then go straight back into fasting. If I plan it correctly, it will be 36 hours between bites Meaning, I will eat my last bite at 8pm and not eat again until 8am the day after. That is, if I eat breakfast and such and not fast again until dinner which would account for over 40 hours of fasting. Either way, I will possibly lose more weight this way than if I were to balance out my 500 calories and risk a binge. So far, I haven't had any cravings either. Even though my mother is upstairs making pumpkin bread and it smells delicious, I have no desire to run upstairs and eat them. I can wait until dinner and eat perhaps half of one
So, this is my new plan. I know I make a lot of them and I am not consistant but I want to get over this plataeu. I want to be thin! I will try to eat 500 calories on the days I do eat but I hope to bring this down to 300. Once I meet my UGW...we will talk about my return to normal eating. I don't know if I will intermittantly fast until I ready my UGW of 100 pounds but wouldn't that be great! Honestly, I think because my body is in a "health" bmi it is harder for me to lose weight. I give myself all kinds of these excuses don't I? I just don't want to admit, though I do often really, that I am a big fat ass.

Wish me luck, Ana's!

 

September 9th

Here we go, it is day 9. Have I lost weight? Well, the scale this morning said 127, but we will see tomorrow if it stays or goes down.

Today, I fasted. Today, I was challenged by rice crispie treats. Today, I won. I haven't eaten a thing since Sunday night, 8pm. My last bite was probably around 7:40pm. Nothing but water since. I feel, finally, like I'm eating myself. I love this feeling. I use to feel it quite often before I got married. I had grown so use to it and now I realize, I missed it. I hope it eats more and more until I weight 100 pounds! But, lets start small...aim for at least 120 right now.

Today was a work day, as well as a fast day. At work, there were these rice crispie treats just calling my name. Before I left, I took the remaining pieces with me. Why? I don't know! Probably because I'm an idiot! I didn't eat them though and still haven't. They are in my kitchen far away so I can't hear their voices. They are up there with the pumpkin muffins and delicious biscuits. I haven't eaten anything. I feel like I am going to start hording food away for the days I can eat. That can't be healthy at all! Because one day I will probably break down and eat everything in my storage! I am just hoping that I will have enough willpower to just stop bringing this shit home!

It goes back to when I was a child and my dad would eat everything in the house before I had a chance. My mom would buy me something specific just for me and in a few days, when I went to go get it, it was gone. He had eaten it. So I learned I either needed to eat it right then or horde it away in my room, or do without. After awhile, I just started doing without because I'd forget about my stash and once I found it, I wouldn't care about eating it anymore. Now that I am married, I was able to eat what I wanted when I wanted. But now we are living with my in-laws and if it doesn't get eaten they throw it away! I am back to freaking out about if and when I will be able to eat my favorite things.

I know ana is like, "anti-food" but I don't hate food. On the contrary, I love food. I want to be able to get my weight down so I can eat again the things I like, the things I am missing out on. I want control over the relationship I have with my food. So I know I can have what foods I like, when I want, in moderation and not all the time. I shouldn't have to feel like I have to pig out everytime I get something I want to eat because I fear someone will throw it out and eat it before I get to it!

So, my take on intermittant fasting? I like it. It is helping me keep my control right now. I haven't faulted once. I am serious about losing weight. I need it now more than ever. I hate being fat. I hate feeling fat. I want to be able to feel good about myself. Once I get down to a certain weight, I know I will feel better. I haven't had the urge to binge once (although after typing a lot about food it is close). I am definitely back to where I need to be as far as controlling my behavior. Best thing about today? Start my period. I know, many of you are like, "UGH! How is that the best thing?" Because, I'm married and I have sex. Given, it has never been unprotected but I was concerned that I had missed my period. I had been raving on for days, bingeing like a pig blaming it on my cycle. When my cycle didn't come, I said, "What a fat pig! Excuses, excuses!". I knew I was not underweight and no where near close to losing my period. How can I be fat and lose my period? Someone suggested that I could be malnourished but with my week prior of just flat out bingeing, that was even more doubtful! Luckily, it came. I'm not pregnant.

I said Monday I would exercise. I have done some wall-push ups and squats. I haven't done any cardio, but I need too. I may hit the treadmill in a bit because my husband fixed it up for me! What a nice guy, this man I love him.

Overall, today was a success. I know, we don't often here that from me because mostly I am a failure. Today, I am a winner. I have mastered the art of not eating. I am glad. Tomorrow I will allow myself to eat. I said I would count my calories and not go over 500. I think, though, that I will try to just watch my portions and such so I can fuel myself for the day of fasting. Nothing over 1000 calories though, GOD no! I feel like that would just completely trash my fasting days.

Questions in my head right now are along the lines of, "When should I start counting my fast?" Do you start it the moment you stop eating. Four hours after you have eaten? The next day when you wake up? How long does it take for your body to be in a "fasting" state? Not only that, but if I eat on my days off, is my body just going to automatically store that? I know, I know, "starvation mode is a myth" but I am concerned that my body will start to pack it back on. I hope that is not the case and that is why I am going to really watch what I eat. I don't want to just pig out and then mess up my whole body system of weight loss. For now, though, I hope that I can continue to lose weight because at least now I am off my plateau of 130! I am going to weigh myself tonight, just to be sure

 

When I fast I usually start the "timer" when I wake up the next morning. It's just seems easier that way. As far as off days go...it's hard because it all depends on metabolism and how much is being consumed as well as "what" is being consumed. I always try to keep it light after a fast and drink lots of water (sometimes with vinegar) to flush myself out. Salt water flushes are always nice. Maybe stick with just veggies for the first day? Anyway...seems like you're doing well. Love seeing encouragement like this. Keep it up!



~Elizabeth

 

September 13th

I decided to get to my blog before I forgot what I was going to blog about. After sitting down and replying to all my messages, I have now forgotten what I was going to blog about. So, I will just type up some stuff and call it good!

My first successful fast ever was at the beginning of this week. I posted about it. It was pretty amazing (with pretty amazing results). 30 hours was a long time for me because I could barely stomach 10 - 12 hours. I started looking into fasting and it really helped boost my motivation to continue on. My goal was to fast every other day for 24 hours. Well, my second fast failed because I caved and ate a bunch of chocolate. (I had a really bad day). Last night, after starting my fast again, I went around 16 hours before I caved and ate some chocolate and grapes.

I listen to my body a lot. It is easier for me to do this than try to force it to do something else. It fails when I try to do that. Given, my "binges" were nothing too over the top (even though it felt like it) and I still lost weight, something is telling me to give it a rest for now. I need a day off. I've really only had 1 day off this week. Since I failed the second fast, I was adament to fast for 2 days to make up for it. Don't. Do. This. I just caved again. Although, if I had not been cake decorating or in the kitchen cake decorating, I would have been in bed and I would have completed at least 24 hours of fasting. Instead, I was cake decorating and sitting in the kitchen always makes my reflexes want something in my mouth. So, in my mouth the chocolate went!

In any case, I've decided that I will give myself a day off. I will restart fasting Saturday night and continue eating Sunday night. I may then start fasting again Monday. It depends on which direction it goes. But still, I am 124!

My GW2 was 125. I reached that and I didn't feel any different. In fact, I still felt as though I was 130! I could still see and feel the fat! Ugh! I am striving to be a thin framed but yet fit person. By this, I want to just have a sleek and slender form. I am struggling to find ways to do this because I don't want to bulk up and still have fat. I understand muscles burn more fat because it takes more energy to sustain them. However, I can't just melt away my fat and underneath that is my muscle which is already toned. That doesn't work in reality. I went to the forum's and asked and from what I can tell - burn fat first, then build muscle.

So, I've just been focusing on core exercises because I want to see the results in my stomach. I know that this well help me be stronger in all exercises I do if I have a strong core. Not only that, if I do cardio and melt away my fat, at least my stomach will be slim and trim because of all the core exercises I do. I admit, though, I have been doing my squats and such to get my legs into shape. My inner/upper thighs are a huge problem. They always have been to be honest. I have "thunder thighs" and a giant ass. I will have to definitely work on those two items in the future in order to at least look thin.

I have resolved that at 120 I will post a picture of myself in the "rate-my-body" section so I know where I am at. Today, once I saw 124, I actually felt a difference in my body. I don't know if I see it yet but I feel it. My legs don't seem to touch as much and I do feel light today. Certainly by no means do I think I am thin. I still look fat. I just feel different and that is good for me. I feel good about this change I'm hoping to get to 120 by the end of September. 4 pounds away! If any of you have been following, you will know that the first week of September when I didn't see any changes, I was freaking out and so discouraged and I said, "I don't think I will lose 10 pounds this month" like I wanted too. Now, we are not even halfway through the month and I'm feel much more confident that I can shed the pounds and be at least 120! Really, 10 pounds would be 118, and that's another 6 pounds but I still feel as confident as ever and I will see the jar as half full

 

Pursuing Perfection - Goal Weight 2

For many of us, we all have "goal" weights. Weights we look forward to reaching before we reach our "ultimate goal". Our ultimate goal? Thin. Skinny. Fit. Perfection. Sometimes when we reach these goals we get rewards - new earings, shoes, vacation, etc. Sometimes, we just get the enjoyment of being 5 - 10 pounds lighter. Sometimes, it is just another hurdle on our obstacle course we are pleased to get over. My goal weights are kind of like the latter. I'm just happy to not weigh 130.

My goal weight two is 125. This was my previous weight before I got married. I am happy to at least be down to my "normal" weight where I had been maintaining for years. This alone excites me. What else excites me is when I try on my Victoria Secret jeans and they are loose. Yes, they are a bit loose. Enough that I've had to continue to pull my pants up today. This, excites me. Why? Because it seemed like forever that they were tight and suffocating. Now, they fit like the day I just bought them. A little loose but the only size that wasn't too short in the legs. At 120, I may just buy myself a new pair of skinny jeans from VS to celebrate.

I have reached another rung on my ladder of weight loss. So why, you ask, am I unhappy? Because I am still fat! I was in love with my body at one point. At one point, I was thin enough to strut around and stare myself down in the mirror and be happy with the body I had. I realize that I must have weighed less than 125 then! My scales or my assumption that I weighed 125 must have been wrong. Now, when I had that body, I didn't weigh myself nearly as much as I do now. I weigh myself every morning now. Back then, it was at the doctor's office with my shoes, clothes, and pockets full because I didn't care! I was thin! Now, I care. Now, I'm fat.

I have updated my gallery with pictures of me at 125. I even look fatter. I am now more motivated to continue to lose weight. For a moment this week, I thought, "I'm 125! I'm back to where I use to be! I should be happy. What is the rush to continue to lose, now that I am back to my former glory?" I was putting less emphasis on weight loss. Now that I see the pictures in reality; UGH! How could I even think I should stop caring, even for a second? I want to weigh 115 now more than ever! 115 was always a lofty goal in my head. I had once wanted to be 115 about 2 years ago. 115 is just barely over underweight. I would die to be underweight. I want my body to be amazing.

Right now, I'm still struggling with how to achieve this fit frame that I want. I know I can shed the pounds. I've been fasting and it has been melting off. It has melted off and has shown no signs of returning (even after eating so much chocolate these past few days). But, I don't feel different. I mostly (minus a few days here and there) feel the same. Some days I feel 130. Some days I just feel fat. Today, I know I am fat.

Goal weight two is such a disappointment. I want goal weight 3. 120. Hell, I want goal weight 4, 115.

Tonight I am going to take my measurements and hope I have lost some inches. If I haven't, I'm going to take a nice long walk with my dog and do another core exercise. In fact, I might throw a bum exercise in as well because lord knows that thing is fucking huge. I feel like a slug. I can't wait for Monday to come when I start fasting for real again. I stopped eating today about 3:30pm. I won't eat again until tomorrow at around 5pm. Then, come monday, a full day of fasting. Hopefully going to achieve another 30 hours. We will see. Until next time, hopefully I will post again only this time reachign 120 and maybe being a little more satisfied with the results.

 

September 18th - Bored, Not Hungry

Well, here it is. We have passed the middle point of the month. Let's recount my progress this month:

According to when I posted on the challenge thread, I was 128 when I started this month on September 1st. With this in mind, plus the fact that we are half-way through the month, I should only have five pounds to go. Well, I have six. I am could say, that this is pretty good progress. Two pounds a week average. Except for the fact that it isn't good enough.

Why isn't it good enough? Because I won't weigh 118 when I'm done if this continues. I won't lose 10 pounds this month! I will lose eight, at best, if it continues this way.

Really, though, let us take a step back. My "original" goal this month was to weigh at least 120 by the end of September. This was my goal. This would mean that I had lost 20 pounds since my highest weight a few months prior of 140. I am going to be happy with at least 120 by the end of the month. This, I must say, to continue to be positive. Weighing 118 was a lofty goal, and not only that, I always just strived to be 120. I should only be looking towards my next goal weight at any given time to stay within perspective.
However, as time goes on (and it does), I realize I want to be 120 by the end of this week! I wanted to shed that stubborn four pounds off this body! I have been walking for at least 30 minutes in the morning, then doing my core exercises. I am going to continue that for this whole week. Next week, I will add some seat exercises to lift my bum and tighten my thighs. I still hate my legs as fat as they are. But I also want a slim stomach. I am trying to focus on one area at a time.

I continued my fast this Monday. I went until dinner Tuesday night. I woke up at 5am on Monday morning and broke my fast about 5pm Tuesday night. So, roughly 36 hours. Yesterday, (Tuesday) I had 10 chips with spicy salsa, half a sandwich, and two bites of bread. I was so sick after that sandwich I nearly threw up. I stopped eating. I had the bread only to see if it would help my stomach, which it didn't. I woke up today to weigh, and I'm still at 124. The same as I was when I started the bloody fast! But, alas, I shouldn't have expected dramatic weight loss like the first time.

The problem in lies here: my husband wants me to eat something at least every other day. I know that my body, if I force it to fast, will just relapse and collaspe into a chocolate binge or a sweets binge or something that isn't really healthy for me. If I don't think about food, I am not really hungry. In fact, right now, I'm not hungry at all. I am slightly thinking about food, but nothing that sounds so good that I'm willing to go get it. I am finding myself bored out of my mind without anything to do and so my mind triggers itself to eat.

Two thoughts about this:

The Addiction Cycle: My husband and I go to a therapist that founded a program for addicts to recover. So, during our visits, we will see or hear things regarding the addiction cycle because a lot of the meetings are held in the office and we are often waiting for 30 minutes or more for our appointment time. With this, I've found, that you need to decrease the behavior of your addiction (pretend mine is eating) and replace it with something else that is just as worthwhile to you. So, every time you think of your addiction, you need to stop and quickly fill those thoughts with something else, as I interupt it. With this pattern, soon you will find other things to occupy your time besides your addiction.

I try not to think about food or dicuss it for these reasons. I want to fill my thoughts with anything else. I want to listen to my body and not my mind. I want to eat when I am truly hungry or when I feel like I need something to keep me sustained (ie: when I feel like passing out). If I do this, then I know I can go on weeks of fasting. I know this because I only broke my fast yesterday because my husband wants me to eat every other day at least. He fears me going on a 48 hour fast. I will, though, eventually. I just need to pretend I ate a work and come home to sleep without eating. It won't be hard, I just need to feel comfortable doing that without including my husband.

The Beginning of my ED: When I started my, what I call "disordered eating", I was in high school. We recently moved to a new house because my father lost his job, making it impossible for my parents to make their house payment. They filed for bankrupcy and I moved for the first time ever in my life. Same town, different house. I hated it. First mark, tramatic experience.

After the move, my father basically made his indentation on the couch permenantly. My mother worked 12 hours days, 5 days a week, sometimes overtime, to make ends meet. This didn't mean we didn't have any food though,it just meant she wasn't there to cook for us. We use to have 3 square meals a day with plenty of snacks. Never once did I eat because I felt I had to eat it before it was gone. I learned this habit only after we moved and here is why: basically, after we moved and my mother couldn't cook for us anymore, we relied so heavily on "quick meals". This includes microvwavable dinners and basically just snack food to satisfy our hungry. My mother loaded our cupboards with oatmeal creme pies, snack cakes and cookies, pastries and fat fat fat. Why? Because that is what my dad wanted. So, whenever we would go grocery shopping, my mom would buy 2 weeks worth of food. It was gone in 2 days. Why? Because my dad devoured it all. Soon, one box of creme pies wasn't enough to last 2 weeks, it was two, then three, then supplement it with 4 boxes of cookies and that lasted us a week and a half.

Here inlies the problem: before I could even think about eating anything, it was already gone. Why? Because my dad ate it all. I would remember halfway through the week that my mom had bought something that I wanted to eat. I would go check for it and it was missing. I complained to my mom several times so she finally just made me go with her shopping. I started to buy things that were just for me. However, he would still eat it. I liked saving my food and spreading it out throughout the week. I liked buying something that I might eat later, not having to eat it as soon as it came home in fear it would be gone. If I put my name on it or hid it in a special place, my dad threw a huge big fit. He is a selfish man and such a baby. He is more like a child than I ever was. I hate him.

Basically, I was picky about my food then too. If I wasn't in the mood for it, I didn't eat it. I lived on Coca-Cola. I had about four bottles a day and never ate anything more than a snack bag of chips or ritz cheese crackers. Instead of just forcing myself to eat like my father, shoving my face before it was gone, I opted not to eat. The alternative was that I could cook for myself. I love cooking. But I wasn't about to cook for my father. He eats at least 3 serving sizes, plus seconds. This means I'd have to make enough for almost 12 people to be able to serve him, myself, and my mother when she got home. This would also only give me one small serving and no ability to be able to choose or think about a second serving because he would have eaten it all and only saved some for my mother. (He did this because she would have ripped him a new one if he didn't save one for her). I wasn't willing to go through all that trouble just for him to be able to enjoy it. No way. I just stopped eating.

I enjoyed feeling hungry. The growl of my stomach, the showing of my hips, and the pain I got when I had gone days without any real substances. I would watch the food network channel and cry because I was so hungry. The problem was, there was nothing to eat in the house.

The reason I am thinking on this is because this week our kitchen is being remodelled at my in-law's place. I live in their basement with my husband and my mini schnauzer. Basically, we are sustaining ourselves on frozen entrees and cereal. I don't like many frozen entrees and now that I've gone to counting calories, I don't want to waste my entire 500 calorie limit on a frozen meal that won't even keep me full. My father-in-law, though, loves them. Him and my disabled Aunt Jeri devour them and that is all they eat. I can't stand it. It drives me crazy! It is just like when I lived at home! Anytime I desire to cook, they throw this big stink about how it's "wasteful" or "not necessary" because they have TV dinners. This week, I could have easily made crockpot meals, but no. They refuse this! So, basically, there is nothing to eat and I can't cook and I just starve. That's just fine. I refuse to eat anything. My father-in-law draws many parrallels to my own father. Basically eats nothing but cookies and frozen food because he is too lazy. My mother-in-law is too busy to cook and often times refuses because it's too much of a hassel. And, she doesn't like cleaning. Go figure.

So this week, we starve. The problem still exists though that I need something to occupy my time! I do work and that helps most days but today I am off and just sitting here, bored out of my wits! I don't feel hungry, though, just bored. I haven't eaten anything (did have a glass of OJ though) and I probably won't eat until later. I just don't feel like it. Finally back to where I started. Hopefully I will keep this up forever, until my ultimate goal weight or at least until I reach 120 this month.

 

September 28th, Nearing The End...

To recap: I had a goal for September to lose 10 pounds in the whole month. That is 2.5 pounds a week. I knew I could not realistically lose the 10 pounds in 1 month. In fact, I had set my goal at just 8 pounds, leaving me to weigh 120 (or my next UGW). I am struggling to get to 120 by the end of the month. I have 2 days to do it. I weigh 124 still. So, I already know I have failed. But, I didn't give up! Here is what I have done, successes and failures all in one.

I tried intermittant fasting this month. I lose the first 4 pounds in the first week and a half. I was feeling great! But, along came a plateau. Now, with anything, I over-thought my fasts. I did my first fast at 30 hours, and I felt great. I started re-eating but watched my portions and tried not to over eat. But then I read an article in a fitness magazine about how fasting is great twice a week and then on your days off you can be a little more 'lax. Well, that meant "all bets off" for THEMrsFattyPants here. I would fast for 2 days, eating dinner on the second day. Well, at dinner, I just ate whatever was there. This left me to start eating whatever else I wanted. My mind thought, "I'm starving!" so I just kept eating, and eating, and eating. Feeling the guilt of my binge, I resolved to fast longer.

Let's stop and explain here: this is the first time I have fasted, ever. I have never successfully completed a fast. Even when I do a religious fast once a month, I end up eating because I can't make it.

Continuing on, now that I had found myself able to fast for 30 hours, I decided to go longer. Ignoring that I had failed every fast in the past, I had resolved that I was strong! I tried to do a week, then 4 days, then 3 days, and here we are with 2 days left of the month. I would fast for 2 days, (eating dinner on the second day because my husband felt better if I ate every other day) and I would just binge. It ruined me from losing any more weight.

Here is what I also did, though, to maintain my weight at 124. Even with my binges aside, from all the guilt, from all the disgust I feel for myself, I exercised EVERY-SINGLE-DAY this month. I didn't skip one day. I started by walking for 30 minutes then doing a core workout from Victoria Secret. I noticed my stomach is smaller on the sides. My stomach is not "flat" yet but I can see more definition and I am definitely seeing progress. I recently switched to doing the Blogilates Beginners Calandar. Oh, what a workout! On my "rest" day, I walked 10 minutes, ran 10 minutes, walked 10 minutes. Since Sunday is suppose to be a "rest" day, that is when I want to use my real "rest". I am just going to run again today and then rest on Sunday and restart the second week of the calandar on Monday.

I am vaguely remembering that patience is a virtue. I am constantly trying to find a "quick fix" to getting my weight down. My goal, for this year, is to get down to at least 110 by Christmas. I have to do everything I can do lose this 14 pounds by then. I know that gives me quite a few months and it seems like I'm setting my sights a little low - but that way I can feel better if I achieve it early! When I go back home to see my family, I want to be 110. I want to be skinny and amazing and make my sister, and my ex-boyfriend, jealous! I want them to really regret the way they treat me and know that I'm beautiful, even more than the last time they saw me!

In conclusion, since there are just 2 days left of this crummy month, I know I have failed my challenge. However, I'm not giving up! I am still going to use these last two days to really try to shed some pounds! I am going on the 3-day-diet or the Military Diet, and then going to start eating meals from Blogilates. If I don't have a meal from that site, I will only eat natural foods - no processed junk. I can't handle any more of the "packaged goods" because quite honestly, they are so addicting. I can't just eat one, I can't just look at it and not crave it because my taste buds remember the addictive flavor. The phrase I'm looking to abide by is, "You already know what it tastes like, you don't need to taste it again".

So, to October! Where I will not eat any processed food, continue to work-out every day, and then eat better for myself rather than fast-binge-fast-binge. I will maybe still add a fasting day on my "rest" day, but I want to be sure that I can see the results I want. When you hit a plateau, I heard it is best to just change what you are doing. Switch it up. So, that is what I am doing. Maybe now I can see results again? It seems like every five pounds I am hitting a plateau and it just kills me! At least my plateau is at a goal weight but I want to be lower!