This website may include conversations, media, and content around topics relating to eating disorders, trauma, addiction, and mental health. Please be aware that this content may be upsetting, difficult, or triggering for some. EDSF is intended as a place of safety. If you or someone you know is struggling with an eating disorder, Feast-ED.org is a resource that lists the organizations set up to help.
half accountability, half an ed stuff dump in general..i cant talk about any of this in many places so this is my best bet for just spamming my thoughts outside of my parasite diet thread hehehe. come in, come listen, come read, idk how long thisll last but ive had the idea for this thread since forever so! stop by and have a look!
as of the start of this thread im:
160cm
55.8kg
bmi 21.8
with a current main gw of 50kg
edit 1: rip parasite thread..stars die
edit 2: FORGOT TO ADD feel free to come chat here if anything looks particularly interesting or i happen to say something that activates your neurons
also also ! since ive been losing weight again for some reason i swear my adams apple is more visible and im honestly not mad about it. i usually dont think about it but it looks kinda cool with my chokers lmao
i keep being more and more tempted to just grab a handful of nuts from the jar or pick up a bonbon or something and im just...NO i cant do it im doing the parasite thing but i keep wanting to break my plan but i cant
im gonna do a bunch of calculations for my weight loss bc i need the calming effect of it and writing down all the numbers and screenshotting all the plans and putting it all together
ive gotta say i feel kinda weak and i cant stop thinking about food and eating and etc ... i wanna b/p really bad. im already trying to rationalise it to myself and work out a plan for it in my head but im so .. i cant. i cannot. its not in my rules im not supposed to do this but i want to so bad
ive already hoarded some food .. at this point its less like "im not supposed to be doing this i shouldnt do this" and more like "im doing this i dont care anymore". im gonna write my accountability post and then hoard more and go to my room and do my thing
i LOVELOVELOOOOOVE people who type in like specific colours here all the time like youre posting in turquoise??? absolutely fucking incredible keep going im honestly so !!!! i wanna post in a colour but whenever id go on my phone i wouldnt be able to .. so it stays in the accountability threads
purged for about 50mins, i think i at least got most of it up but im so stoned i can barely tell. im 56.3kg which is up .4kg from this morning and im asking myself like, can i live with this? will i be able to live with this? if i saw that number on the scales tomorrow id be so disappointed but currently im rationalising it. ill lose it back overnight right? i didnt get up any of my dinner, the last of what i threw up was water/little snippers of chocolate/bile(?) and im so tired and it was so miserable. it was so hard to purge and i dont even know why, i kept coughing/choking and was super loud, maybe its because i havent done it regularly for so long. either way im gonna smoke and go to bed i think. idek im so disappointed but its whatever .. i guess. at least i had fun for a bit??
i just hope tomorrow will fix me. i know itll just be more food and thats just more weight and all that bullshit but im too tired to really care, im writing on autopilot even .. idk. i just wanna be happy. i kept thinking about how i was so happy this time in 2020 when i was more "normal" and now im doing this? even last year was bearable. im gonna get less than 6h of sleep im not excited lollll
my guitarist friend is so thin im so envious of him. he complained abt having thick thighs for a dude and i relate so hard but hes still so much thinner than me AND hes got a gf AND hes better than me at guitar. i need to be 48kg for real i think thats about what he weighs..50kg max. this is so sick of me im sorry
does vape juice break a dry fast .. rearasite thread, im 18h in if you dont count vape juice
ive slammed out so much writing into my notes app + 11kb on my laptop today im going insane