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just a place for me to log my shit and braindump. i will be coming back and making the post look nice later when i’m on the ‘puter.
towards the end of last year i was eating so little and losing so fast that i was unable to perform well at work and was let go. it was a huge reality check and also sent me into a depressive spiral. combine this with the holidays and you have a recipe for binging under the guise of ‘recovery’. i feel like i just woke up from a blackout and i’ve gained so so so much weight. i don’t know what to do except damage control.
feel free to read/comment/whatevs. i will not be self-censoring at all here so tws for drug use, alcohol use, and pretty much every ed behaviour under the sun
stats:
21 y/o F, 5’3.5 123? lbs
thread started @ 128 lbs completed: water fasting to below 125 currently: 47:1 fasts <700 cal until march + 15k steps + daily workout
next up: mid to high restriction til uw??
met up with a friend last night. i’d told him i did not want to drink but he showed up with beers anyway. i have a tough time saying no to booze already, and this was a situation in which i could either have a couple drinks and vibe or i could sit there stone cold sober and watch this dude get twice as drunk as either of us did. fast broken i suppose but i think i made the right choice. (not to mention, nothing like getting drunk on an empty stomach.)
then this morning i woke up at 124.8, hilariously. the universe cut me a break. i’m now switching to a 400cal max liquid-only diet for the next 5 pounds- about three days ahead of my projected schedule.
anyway, just a quick update. gotta hit my job interview and then i’m doing shrooms with previously mentioned friend. i think he may be a bad influence on me /shrug
new job is good they sent me home with pizza (purged 1x piece yesterday) ate another slice just now which i am going to try not to purge as ive been feeling shaky and weak. that could just be the bender, though. maybe i’m just a fat pig looking for excuses to eat
as of this morning i weigh a whole bunch more (124.4. despair!) what else do u expect with pizza. they’re probably sending me home with another today. will try to give it away.
once i’m firmly under 120 i’m going to literally just omad pizza every day i get so much for free. not more than i can eat, but more than i need. i can bring my food expenditure (and health) down to 0
but today i just plan to exercise a bunch, drink a lot of water and coffee and tea
ate work leftovers again tonight lol i hate mysef. didn’t purge in time i think i’m gonna exercise it off first thing in the morning
realistically only consumed like 600-650 tops its so so much better than i was doing even two weeks ago but i am FAILING MY PLAN
just bping and maintaining. i fucking hate it i am so sick of this habit i miss before this shit when i just restricted i literally did not know how easy i had it
anyway im going to try getting down to 115 by the end of the month. around 123 right now. will be alternating fast days and omad (like 47:1) and exercising a bunch
in other news my love life is going to shit but i’m working again finally and that’s cool at least
so im very busy and have no appetite
noticing how much my eating habits align with my current relationship. today i woke up to four missed calls and about 15 texts going from “call me please” to “i’m on the way to the psych ward”. we’ve been on and off, and whenever i’m involved i maintain.
is it incredibly selfish to be relating this situation to my weight? probably. but the first few times i haven’t been thinking about it. after some point i realized i was being manipulated. i’m still in it but now thinking about my own priorities. my own priorities are twisted, but at least i’m focusing on myself.
after a full day of eating and drinking i weigh 124. this is fixable. i can salvage this.
what a joke my life is that my clothes from childhood are now too big for me and i still feel fat. ive never been fat. kids are either jerks or wimps and having been the latter i now am scared of food
hard to believe not two weeks ago i was shitting on someones cheese mono idea on here
and now since working at the pizza shop ive been living an objectively worse version of that
in the pst week ive eaten two whole pizzas (plus a couple slices while at work) and ive pooped… once? this sucks dude i am going to stop even bothering with staff meal unless i know therell be someone to give most of it to
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