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Discussion starter · #21 ·
I really want to go out tomorrow and sit at a café like I used to and just figure myself out, but I always want to eat there as well.

On one hand I want to go and just figure it out when I get there, but on the other hand I feel like I should skip out and not go so I won't have to worry about the food. I bought groceries as well so there isn't a reason why I should go out, I just really want to.

Time to look at the nutrition menu lol.
 
hi fellow snsd and fnal fantasy fan ~ヾ(^∇^) happy belated two pages. i think its really cool that you have been developing characters in your head for so long, and that youre working towards a life you can be proud of...these things are really admirable because theyre definitely not easy. i hope you have a wonderful day and spring will come soon to wherever you may be.
 
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Discussion starter · #25 ·
hi fellow snsd and fnal fantasy fan ~ヾ(^∇^) happy belated two pages. i think its really cool that you have been developing characters in your head for so long, and that youre working towards a life you can be proud of...these things are really admirable because theyre definitely not easy. i hope you have a wonderful day and spring will come soon to wherever you may be.
Wow, hello!

I'm happy to see that someone is reading my rambling thoughts, especially someone with such great taste lol! Your words are so kind, I really appreciate them. Thank you so much for your comment, you made my night (╥﹏╥) ♡
 
Discussion starter · #26 ·
Contrary to what I wrote yesterday, I didn't end up going out today. My day was pretty average, but I might go out tomorrow. The problem is that I keep waking up late into the day, so by the time I want to go out it's already dark outside.

Stats for today (7th)
weigh-in: maintained
total cals: 1160

I didn't weigh before I fasted, but I didn't lose any weight from the last time I weighed myself. It's literally the exact same lol, so I probably just lost anything I gained from what I overate on Sunday. I had a bit over my limit today as well, but I'll excuse it for now.

Tomorrow, I'm not sure what I'll be up to. I can't attend any of my classes until I get some things sorted out, but I have made progress in other areas which I can be focusing on. If I do end up going out I'm going to bring my notebook and just lay some groundwork for what I need to do both short and long term.

I'm slowly starting to feel better about things in my life. I think my next step is to set boundaries regarding media consumption, especially fast paced content driven sites like social media. I was at my happiest when I wasn't mindlessly scrolling TikTok or Reddit, and instead I indulged more frequently in forums where I could learn about topics that I found interesting. I just tend to fall down the rabbit hole of easy entertainment when I have no energy to do anything, which only makes the problem worse. It's definitely something I need to work on for the greater good of my mental wellbeing.

I find it ironic that I'm talking about taking care of my mental state on a forum for eating disorders, but this site does a good job at unironically helping me vent my frustrations and relax in a space where people actually understand what I am going through. So, thanks for that.

I feel like I am on the cusp of something good happening, a turning point in my life. If I can continue to build momentum while maintaining a steady workflow, I think things might work out for me. Of course I feel cautious, but it's for good reason. This time around I will focus on getting things done as much as I can, because I don't have much of an excuse anymore for otherwise.
 
Discussion starter · #27 ·
I'm going to bed a bit earlier than usual, since I got up early and actually went out as planned. It was really nice, I enjoyed it! The unfortunate part is that I ended up eating a lot more than I usually do.. honestly it's not that bad, but it's not ideal lol. I'm not good at starting my day early..

Stats for the 8th
weigh-in: N/A
total cals: 1575 (rip)

The worst part is that I want to go out tomorrow too, but it just messes up my day so bad. I think if I can go later in the day then it won't be as detrimental. We don't have that much in the house either, I've just been a bit of a glutton recently. I don't know why I'm so hungry all of a sudden, because I don't think it's PMS. However, I have noticed that I tend to eat a bit more earlier into the week, and then mellow out near the weekend. Idk. I feel fine actually, today was really good. I actually had a good day.
 
Discussion starter · #28 ·
I had a really bad day yesterday and I binged. I'm going to make a proper post later, but I just wanted to do a quick update. I wanted to binge again today, but I'm not going to. OK, cya in a few hours most likely.
 
Discussion starter · #29 ·
Hello... ok.. so.. ugh.

First off, I think I'm PMS-ing, which is making this much more difficult.

But I digress.

About yesterday, I just had a really bad day lol. It was mildly terrible, nothing extreme happened, but it slowly added up to create one giant bad day. To make it even worse, I also ended up binging pretty early into the day, and still ended up unsatisfied (of course). Thankfully I had the forethought to save the wrappers of whatever I ate so that I could calculate everything after.

So here are the stats for yesterday (9th)
weigh-in: N/A
total cals: 3899

It definitely could've been worse, but that doesn't mean it wasn't bad. We don't have a lot of food in the house right now, so I just snacked on some things from the dollar store. Lol. I had some salt & vinegar chips for the first time in years and I won't lie, they were pretty good.

OK, so onto today..

Stats for the 10th
weigh-in: N/A
total cals: 1317

Today wasn't the best either, but I'm just glad I didn't binge again. I won't lie, I really wanted to. Still, I ate over my limit which is disappointing.

I'm thinking that I'm PMS-ing cause I feel a bit out of control right now, which is usually what happens around that time. I feel very hungry, very ticked off, and very sleepy.

So I'm definitely thinking that I'm PMS-ing cause I feel a bit out of control right now, which is usually what happens around that time. I feel very hungry, very ticked off, and very sleepy. I'm going to try and ignore this the best I can, but I think I might pick up some gum to chew on before I start eating the entire house. I'm feeling antsy. I have to go out tomorrow, so I hope that I can tire myself out and eat minimally before I have an early bed.

That's the update for today, it's a big one to make up for missing yesterday.
 
Discussion starter · #30 ·
Short post for today since I don't have much to say, I'm bored and tired tbh

Stats for the 11th
weigh-in: N/A
total cals: 930

I think I need to start weighing myself more often, but I get kinda lazy lol.

Time for me to go to bed.
 
Discussion starter · #31 ·
Went missing for two days, came back fatter.

I binged for 2 days straight (12th-13th), idk how much I ate. I went out to a restaurant, had like 2 drinks, and then ate more snacks in those two days than I have in the past two months.

I ate a bunch of random stuff and didn't calculate anything, so unfortunately I can't post the actual numbers. I just rounded everything up to 10k for both days.

So now we're here, and I'll just get on with today's stats (14th)
weigh-in: N/A
total cals: 10

I fasted today because I felt extremely bloated and pretty much completely turned off from eating, but I am not sure if I will keep it up tomorrow. I'm going to weigh myself tomorrow and see how much damage I've done, and that will determine whether I keep fasting or not.
 
Discussion starter · #32 ·
This looks so pathetic but I'm here late again.. and yes ofc I binged.

Yesterday stats (15th)
weigh-in: +1.1kg
total calories: 2135

I gained 1.1kg from my last weigh in, definitely NOT surprising considering I've been binging basically the entire week. What is wrong with me... my stomach feels like a black hole. It's like I'm not even in control of my decisions. I don't know what to do..

Today I didn't count what I had, it was more spontaneous. Once again I am regretting my life decisions.

16th stats
weigh-in: maintained
total calories: ??? binge

UGH

Someone please drop a piano on my head so I'm forced into a coma where I can't eat. I'm so tired of this.
 
Sending you hugs, trust me when I say you’re definitely not alone in this, as I’ve been binging too…we will be able to ride this out!!!
 
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Discussion starter · #34 ·
Sending you hugs, trust me when I say you’re definitely not alone in this, as I’ve been binging too…we will be able to ride this out!!!
Thank you so much, we can get through this together <3

I calmed down a bit and kinda-sorta thought out a plan for tomorrow, so I'm hoping things go smoothly ^-^
 
Discussion starter · #35 ·
I'm currently searching for a second job... I'm in need of some money, but my current job is too physically demanding to do more than twice a week. I'm looking to work retail at a dead mall, somewhere I can bide my time until I get to go home.

I'm trying to save for college but it's proving difficult, everything has doubled in price and I'm struggling to get by day to day at this point. Nevertheless, I will persevere. I have a lot on the line when it comes to my future, so I'm praying that I get some good news soon.

I think I will be able to break this binge cycle soon, I'm fed up and just want to get back to "normal". I always struggle with wanting to overcompensate for my binges with long fasts, but those always end in disaster. I haven't been able to fast properly for a long time, because before I had no responsibilities and could just rot away in my room while time passed me by. Now that I'm operating in the real world like everyone else, I just can't do it.

I've planned to just go back to eating some of my safe foods while trying to distract myself with other shenanigans. I really want to go outside so I can walk around and listen to some music, but it's getting cold here again. Still waiting on spring...

Typing this out helps a bit
 
Discussion starter · #36 ·
Yesterday went a lot better, finally. It wasn’t perfect because I still went over my limit, but I didn’t binge and instead felt pretty OK.

Yesterday’s stats (17th)
weigh-in: N/A
total cals: 1410

Honestly I really could’ve binged again because the rest of my family got take out and we had snacks from before, but I was just over it at this point. I’m glad I didn’t.

After the weekend I might have to go on a short road trip, it’s only a day but I’ll be eating out. My only goal then is to keep it short and realistic, probably just a coffee and a bagel.

I was supposed to weigh myself this morning, but I was in a rush to leave and forgot. I’ll probably weigh myself Monday, because Sunday I’m busy in the morning as well.

We finally have some money coming in so I can get my safe foods too, finally I can just go back to the status quo. Eating the same thing every day and distracting myself lol. Hoping next week is a lot better than the last 2.
 
hope your road trip can be a lotta fun. next week will be our week i just know!!!!
so random but i found this pic and thought of you hahaha
 
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Discussion starter · #38 ·
hope your road trip can be a lotta fun. next week will be our week i just know!!!!
so random but i found this pic and thought of you hahaha
Thank you, I’m looking forward to it!!

And yes, I’m already feeling good about next week for the both of us ^_^

Also, that pic is SPOT ON, except today we literally just started second winter. It was warm just a few days ago and now it’s snowing again.. T~T
 
Discussion starter · #39 ·
Today went well, still not perfect but we’re getting there >.>

Stats for today (18th)
weigh-in: N/A
total cals: 1305

I’m so tired and sore today lol.

I don’t have a lot to say, except that I’m excited for Monday, I love long car rides. Listening to music and staring out the window is perfect for relaxing.
 
What did you listen to, if you remember/don’t mind sharing? Feels like I’m getting bored of my own music lately </3
 
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