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I hate my life and you probably do too ✞ accountability & diary

2K views 52 replies 2 participants last post by  rippa 
#1 · (Edited)
I think that having a place to completely empty my brain of any thoughts is a good idea
Leg Sleeve Glove Gesture Flash photography


about me
⚖ ✮ ⚖

Hi, you can call me Rippa, or Rip for short.
I enjoy animanga, science, art, history, computers, and honestly just about anything that piques my interest.
Music and video games are my favourite forms of escapism, and I'm an avid devotee of fashion and figure collecting.
I'm 20 years old and currently struggling with my life choices and honestly just about everything.
I've struggled with my ED for over a decade, and have been active on MPA since around 2014.


stats & goals
⚔ ⚜ ⚔

169cm
I feel too fat and insecure to put my actual stats so instead I’m just gonna have a weight loss counter.

weight loss so far: -0.1kg


I will probably update sporadically, but I'm hoping to keep this going as long as I can.
Feel free to chat with me as well, company is always welcome
Thanks for reading​
 
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#2 · (Edited)
So, my first update is coming from my phone since I’m actually out of the house for once.

Yesterday’s stats since I got too busy to update
weigh-in: -1kg
total cals: 925

I got my period yesterday so no weigh-in today. I usually avoid weighing on my period just because of how much it fluctuates.

Calorie wise, my only goal right now is to be consistent. I can’t low restrict like I used to, I’ve got a job and an actual life now so I find that higher restriction keeps me from dropping dead. My limit is 1000, but I prefer to stay around 800-900 if I can.

I had a lot more I wanted to say but I forgot it all halfway through typing, so instead I’ll just drop what I’m listening to.



I love this song, and this album is one of my all time favourites

That’s it for now
 
#3 ·
Another late mobile update..

I’ve been binge-watching The Walking Dead and got too caught up in it to post on time lol. It was my favourite TV show as a kid, one of the few I watched. I would wait every Saturday for a new episode. Two more episodes until I’m finished with Season 3, and I started rewatching 2 days ago now. I’ve never completely finished the series so no spoilers plz, I think I only got to Season 7 or 8. Michonne is my favourite character btw.

Anyways, here are the stats for today (or technically yesterday now.. the 26th)
weigh-in: N/A (period)
total cals: 865
 
#4 ·
I had my first meal a bit later than usual today, I left work early because I had a terrible headache and ended up sleeping until 4-4:30pm. I want to go to the corner store and buy Monster.. I'll update with my stats later tonight once I am done eating for the day. I'll probably just eat a chocolate bar, I love sweets.

I wish I could randomly acquire all the drawing skills I need to make my OC's come to life on paper.. I've had these ideas and world I've built in my head for ages yet I can never accurately translate these ideas into an actual product.



Anyways, listen to this song, it's one of my absolute favourite from the entire FF series. Ultimecia is amazing.
 
#5 ·
I’m about to fall asleep.. I spent 4 hours drawing a map..

Today’s aka yesterday’s stats (27th)
weigh-in: N/A
total cals: 1005 bleh.

I was kinda fat today and went over 1000 :/

Tomorrow I’ll go back to the usual, but tbh there isn’t much in the house rn. I’ll have to actually make food instead of eating easy meals like bagels and protein bars.
 
#6 ·
Tomorrow I want to eat a bagel with peanut butter.. but it will be a lot of calories.. I will have to budget it in carefully

Stats for the 28th
weigh-in: N/A
total cals: 957

I don't have a lot to say today tbh I just spent the day playing games and watching Elden Ring essays
 
#10 ·
I’m up pretty late, it’s almost 6am. I used to be basically nocturnal, but nowadays it’s rare that I am awake this early into the morning.
However, tonight I got carried away playing games and watching TV lol.

Stats for the 29th
weigh-in: N/A
total cals: 1350

I’m hoping my period ends soon because I want to step on the scale. I think it’s almost over, maybe a day or two left.
 
#12 · (Edited)
OK, update time.

So yesterday I was busy all day, I went out to eat and was hanging out with my sibling watching shows and playing games.

Here are my stats from the 30th
weigh-in: N/A
total cals: 1250

Now I know it's over my normal calorie limit, but I don't even care about that at this point because yesterday I was SO close to binging.

At first I was going to order pizza, but all of the places near us were closed. This was around 2-3am, and after COVID almost no one is open past midnight. So after that I went downstairs to see what we had in the house, but I really just wasn't feeling it. I felt guilty before it even started lol. I got distracted and ended up doing the dishes, and by the time I was done I was over it. Thank god, lol. It felt like such a relief after.

So now onto today,

I was able to use the scale today because my period finally ended, and I've lost 1.4kg from the last weigh in. Hurrah!

Stats for the 31st
weigh-in: -1.4kg
total cals: 1365

Feels good that I can finally update the weight loss counter in the initial post. That's 2.4kg down from the beginning of the thread. Yay.

I think I'm going to start a new show, but I'm not sure what I want to watch. I'm in a fantasy anime mood, but I hate isekai and that has totally saturated the genre. There aren't any new series that I'm interested in either, so I will have to take a look. I have a few ideas in mind, but I don't want to start something really long since I'm still watching TWD.

Also, I keep having very detailed zombie apocalypse dreams. Symptom of consuming so much zombie media lol.
 
#13 ·
My sleeping schedule is extremely messed if you can’t already tell.

Stats for February 1st
weigh-in: maintained
total cals: 1175

Started February feeling… fat. I’ve been eating over my limit of 1000 for like 4 days now and it’s not doing me any favours.

Remind me again to never touch peanut butter. It tastes amazing, but I’m always over my limit on days I have it. Thankfully I have finished the last of the bagels, so it will be unable to provoke me for a while.

I had a self care moment and took the most rigorous bath of my life and shaved every inch of my body. So that’s nice.
 
#14 ·
I missed yesterday oops I was busy again, and stayed up too late.

Yesterday's stats (2nd)
weigh-in: N/A
total cals: 837

Finally a day where I'm under my limit..

I'll update later tonight with today's stuff, I'm kinda just fooling around on my computer right now. I think I might write some of my story, but I don't know where to start since I'm doing a bunch of worldbuilding. It's really fun, but tedious.

I had good luck in one of my gacha games today hehe.
 
#16 ·
I'm surprisingly full today considering I only ate two things. I'm tired, though. I think I'm going to stop for tonight.

Stats for today (4th)
weigh-in: N/A
total cals: 770

Once again, I don't have much to say. I spent the day overthinking a lot of things, but it was necessary. I'm in a strange yet good mood.
 
#17 ·
Hmm, ok well, I am pretty conflicted. I have a dilemma.

I was going to fast today because I wasn’t very hungry and I wanted to make up for the days that I went over my limit this week. I had a coffee in the morning for 190 cals, and then I was just going to have water for the rest of the day and maybe a Monster.

But.. currently I have family from out of town staying at my place, and they were nice enough to buy me food from a restaurant I love.

I don’t know what to do.. it’s so many calories..

It would be around 2.8k calories, plus what I had earlier.

I had work today and now I’m laying in bed trying to decide if I should eat or not.
 
#18 ·
OK, well I ended up eating the food but I kind of regret it. It wasn't bad, but it wasn't amazing, y'know?

Stats for the 5th
weigh-in: N/A
total cals: 3020 (estimated)

I had about 4 slices of a small pizza with some fries. I gave the rest of my pizza away, but still way too much lol. I also ate an unplanned donut and a chocolate bar. Ugh..

According to Lose It, I was over my budget by 2602 calories. Yikes.

If I have it in me, I might fast tomorrow. I try to avoid it because I used to fast 24/7 with a lot of bad side effects, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

I'm too awake to sleep, but I'm bored so I'm not sure what to do. Ehhhhhhhhh....
 
#20 ·
I fasted today, I wasn't as hungry as I thought but I am looking forward to eating tomorrow lol.

Today's stats (6th)
weigh-in: N/A
total cals: 10

Today I feel like I thought too much. I have a lot on my mind but it's in the effort to make my life worth something. I mourn the person I used to be like she was a totally different person. I have a lot to learn from her. Even if it means acknowledging all of my regrets.

I want to work towards a life that I am proud of. Somewhere along the way I got lost, but I can't pinpoint an exact reason why. I think it's more so something that came from exhaustion, I was tired of living the same way, I couldn't continue to have the same optimism.

Pessimism is the worst thing to be afflicted with. Having to constantly remind myself that I can be the person I want to be is strange, because it used to come so naturally. I was stubborn and never unsure of myself. Over the past few years I have hit rock bottom, both mentally and physically. How come it is so hard to pick myself up? I used to faceplant into my problems and walk away without a scratch, why is it now that I can barely muster any strength?

I waited my entire life to get to the point where I was free from everything holding me back. So why aren't I doing anything?

As much as this sounds depressing to write about, I don't feel much. I want to learn to care about myself again, so I can start feeling something.
 
#21 ·
I really want to go out tomorrow and sit at a café like I used to and just figure myself out, but I always want to eat there as well.

On one hand I want to go and just figure it out when I get there, but on the other hand I feel like I should skip out and not go so I won't have to worry about the food. I bought groceries as well so there isn't a reason why I should go out, I just really want to.

Time to look at the nutrition menu lol.
 
#24 ·
hi fellow snsd and fnal fantasy fan ~ヾ(^∇^) happy belated two pages. i think its really cool that you have been developing characters in your head for so long, and that youre working towards a life you can be proud of...these things are really admirable because theyre definitely not easy. i hope you have a wonderful day and spring will come soon to wherever you may be.
 
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#25 ·
Wow, hello!

I'm happy to see that someone is reading my rambling thoughts, especially someone with such great taste lol! Your words are so kind, I really appreciate them. Thank you so much for your comment, you made my night (╥﹏╥) ♡
 
#26 ·
Contrary to what I wrote yesterday, I didn't end up going out today. My day was pretty average, but I might go out tomorrow. The problem is that I keep waking up late into the day, so by the time I want to go out it's already dark outside.

Stats for today (7th)
weigh-in: maintained
total cals: 1160

I didn't weigh before I fasted, but I didn't lose any weight from the last time I weighed myself. It's literally the exact same lol, so I probably just lost anything I gained from what I overate on Sunday. I had a bit over my limit today as well, but I'll excuse it for now.

Tomorrow, I'm not sure what I'll be up to. I can't attend any of my classes until I get some things sorted out, but I have made progress in other areas which I can be focusing on. If I do end up going out I'm going to bring my notebook and just lay some groundwork for what I need to do both short and long term.

I'm slowly starting to feel better about things in my life. I think my next step is to set boundaries regarding media consumption, especially fast paced content driven sites like social media. I was at my happiest when I wasn't mindlessly scrolling TikTok or Reddit, and instead I indulged more frequently in forums where I could learn about topics that I found interesting. I just tend to fall down the rabbit hole of easy entertainment when I have no energy to do anything, which only makes the problem worse. It's definitely something I need to work on for the greater good of my mental wellbeing.

I find it ironic that I'm talking about taking care of my mental state on a forum for eating disorders, but this site does a good job at unironically helping me vent my frustrations and relax in a space where people actually understand what I am going through. So, thanks for that.

I feel like I am on the cusp of something good happening, a turning point in my life. If I can continue to build momentum while maintaining a steady workflow, I think things might work out for me. Of course I feel cautious, but it's for good reason. This time around I will focus on getting things done as much as I can, because I don't have much of an excuse anymore for otherwise.
 
#27 ·
I'm going to bed a bit earlier than usual, since I got up early and actually went out as planned. It was really nice, I enjoyed it! The unfortunate part is that I ended up eating a lot more than I usually do.. honestly it's not that bad, but it's not ideal lol. I'm not good at starting my day early..

Stats for the 8th
weigh-in: N/A
total cals: 1575 (rip)

The worst part is that I want to go out tomorrow too, but it just messes up my day so bad. I think if I can go later in the day then it won't be as detrimental. We don't have that much in the house either, I've just been a bit of a glutton recently. I don't know why I'm so hungry all of a sudden, because I don't think it's PMS. However, I have noticed that I tend to eat a bit more earlier into the week, and then mellow out near the weekend. Idk. I feel fine actually, today was really good. I actually had a good day.
 
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