Im ready to change and i want to change but im so scared. Im really scared and i need help. (IM SORRY FOR THE SUPER LONG POST AND MANY MISSPELLINGS BUT I REALLY NEED YKUR HELO AND ADVICE IM SCARED AND I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO I REALLY NEED YOUR HELP)Ive lost 15 pounds in less than a year and now my whole family is aware. They dont see the severity of how bad of a eating disorder i have. At the beginning of the year they found out that i thought in october i thought i was fat. I never truly opened up to them about it so they tried to talk to me and they backed off. Now thats its summertime they have realized how sknny i have gotten, and i now realize that too. About a month ago i got a UTI and so we wwnt to the doctor. I was weighed for the first time in about 6 months, because i decided to stop weighing myself because it was bad for my mind. I knew how much weight i lost but for this month i did nothing to actually fix it, and i ended up losing 5 more pounds. The doctors didnt mention my weight to my mother so they didnt do anything. Right at this time my parents started to realize that iwas skinnier and that i looked worse too. I startsd to realize this too, and i started to realize how bad i actually look. Before this moment, about march, i started to notice my ribs and spine poke out. Before march i never really noticed those two things, but im only thinking about that now. Everyday and everyweek i would check if my ribs and spine were still there. I knew that, that wasnt good, but i knew if it went away i would hate myself. But, even then, i didnt see myself as i do now, if anything, i should have stoooed my bad habits at that time because i dont think i looked rhat bad at that time. And the thing is, i never wanted to loose weight. I stopped checking the scale in fear of weight gain. I should have stopped my bad habits months ago. Months ago i was actually fine with my body, but for some reason i continued these bad habits. I dont know why. I have no clue. I should have stopped, but i didnt. Now im here. Now i look bad. Now i have lost too much wieght. Now i have constant problems with constipation. Now my parents feel ashamed for letting me lose 15 pounds, and me being 20 pounds underweight. Now im at risk for so many things. Even my urine shows how bad it is, and how my body is eating away at my stores. Now im so bad, and i nver wanted it to be this way. Now i have to gain 15 pounds. And the normal part of me wants to change, but the normal part of me is scared of my eating disorder. Right now, im in a good stated of mind, but i know that it can easily turn, and that is what i dont want to happen. I didnt try to get better on my own because i cant handle the changes that are going to happen. Im scared of how my disordered mind is going to go through this. I am so scared i am going to hate myself and and any changes that will happen. I know i have to change, and now i dont have a choice but i dont want to hate myself. I dont want be in a 'good mood' like today, but then hate food tomarrow.
I guess describing my situation can help:
Im not being sent to any therapist or place, unless this gets worse and i actually need to tslk to someone, (its probably best if i actually was, but no one knows how bad this ED is. Everyone just thinks i took being healthy too far) Im not being put on a meal plan, no one is watching my meals 24/7, im not supposed to be gaining x pounds a week, and im not being forced food.
The insturctions right from the doctor are to: Keep a food dairy, Increase Portion size, add ice cream daily, take miralax daily, and return in a week.
So far both my parents have making an effort for me to drink milk (i woukd only drink water) and they are going to continue to do so. Both have made me eat a bit more (get to that later) My mother brought home OJ for me to drink (i only drink water), she also said she is going to buy pediasure, which i really do not want to drink, so if there are alternatives you can help me come up with that would be great. That was about it so far, and so i also started a food diary. Today I: actually skipped brekfastz but said i had cereal (great, i know) for lunch i had :a hotdog w/ktcp and onion with 1/4 pickle(325cals), and right afterwards my dad gave me a fiber one brownie and milk(3/4cup)(225cals) because i didnt eat potato chips. For dinner i had: a meatball sub and about 1/3ish cup of vegan chili and 3/4 cup milk(530cals) So a total of 1075, and my TDEE is 1140-1100(i round down to #2) If i actually had breakfast, it would have been another 200, but i didnt.
Im going to have to continhe eating more but i can already tell that i might skip lunch tommarow (because EATIND DISRODER MIND) great i know. I dont want to lie but i probably sill because i cant bring myself to actully eat more. If theyre feeding me more at dinner then its somehow fine to jsut eat less in the day, right? They are going to increase portions and amounts, and if i have bigger dinners, and bigger lunches, i am going to feel so guilty. That is why i am still going to lie and continue to skip a meal or a snack so i dont feel guilty. That is what im afraid of. I dont want to feel guilty. And no one knows i count calories , and i wasnt given a set amount to eat, so i still have control, but with all the add ons ill be given, it might be hard to consume less, which is why im confuesd in the first plsce. I dont gey why i nust cant cant eat. I dont get why im so afrisd of food. I dont get why im afraid to gsin wight. I am basically being told to eat whatrver the hell i want, and i can already tell you this, i wont. If i eat what i want i feel bad, and so if that is being added on to extra portion sizes, i am going to be disgusted with myself. I already know it and i dont need to test it. Becaus im scared. Scared of food. That is what i need help with. I need to get over the fear of food bevause i am going to continue to lie about what i ate and continue to write suff down in my food diary that i didnt actually eat, and i am going to continue to skip meals because i feel guilty. I need help. Please help.
Im doing it like this so my change can be very slow. I do not want to gain the wight back too fast because tthis has happened before, and i hated myself for it. I hated myself for so long and i was so miserable. I think we all know the thought of being fat. I cant go through that again. I just cant. And doing this will make sure it doesnt actually happen like that, right? When this happened to me before, it led me to this. I want to gain weight back slowly. I need help acceoting the change, no matter how quick, or how slow it it. I really need help. I do not want hate myslef. I need help dealng with changes. I know i have to gain weight. I know i will look different. But right now i am not me. I look sickly. I look too thin. I look reslly bad. But how do i not hate myself when i change? How do i cope with my ribs going away? And how long will take? How do i cope with my spine not poking out anymore? How long will that take? How much weight will alter my appearance? How much weight gain a week will affect me? (Is a pound too fast) Will my stomach get fat? Will i even out to what i once looked like? I just really need help and i need help coping with a slow wight gain. That is my goal. I want to go really slow so i dont freak myself out. I dont want to hate myself. I want to avoid that. I also need help coping with more food. How am i going to deal with increased portion sizes? Imngoing to be wathced a lot more and i wont have leeway, so how do get past eating disorder thoughts of 'thats to much' or just feeling gross for eating more. How do i get past that?
Just please help me. Im so scared and i dont know what to do. I dont know what to do. I need help with change. How do i deal with this change? How should i deal with this change?
I guess describing my situation can help:
Im not being sent to any therapist or place, unless this gets worse and i actually need to tslk to someone, (its probably best if i actually was, but no one knows how bad this ED is. Everyone just thinks i took being healthy too far) Im not being put on a meal plan, no one is watching my meals 24/7, im not supposed to be gaining x pounds a week, and im not being forced food.
The insturctions right from the doctor are to: Keep a food dairy, Increase Portion size, add ice cream daily, take miralax daily, and return in a week.
So far both my parents have making an effort for me to drink milk (i woukd only drink water) and they are going to continue to do so. Both have made me eat a bit more (get to that later) My mother brought home OJ for me to drink (i only drink water), she also said she is going to buy pediasure, which i really do not want to drink, so if there are alternatives you can help me come up with that would be great. That was about it so far, and so i also started a food diary. Today I: actually skipped brekfastz but said i had cereal (great, i know) for lunch i had :a hotdog w/ktcp and onion with 1/4 pickle(325cals), and right afterwards my dad gave me a fiber one brownie and milk(3/4cup)(225cals) because i didnt eat potato chips. For dinner i had: a meatball sub and about 1/3ish cup of vegan chili and 3/4 cup milk(530cals) So a total of 1075, and my TDEE is 1140-1100(i round down to #2) If i actually had breakfast, it would have been another 200, but i didnt.
Im going to have to continhe eating more but i can already tell that i might skip lunch tommarow (because EATIND DISRODER MIND) great i know. I dont want to lie but i probably sill because i cant bring myself to actully eat more. If theyre feeding me more at dinner then its somehow fine to jsut eat less in the day, right? They are going to increase portions and amounts, and if i have bigger dinners, and bigger lunches, i am going to feel so guilty. That is why i am still going to lie and continue to skip a meal or a snack so i dont feel guilty. That is what im afraid of. I dont want to feel guilty. And no one knows i count calories , and i wasnt given a set amount to eat, so i still have control, but with all the add ons ill be given, it might be hard to consume less, which is why im confuesd in the first plsce. I dont gey why i nust cant cant eat. I dont get why im so afrisd of food. I dont get why im afraid to gsin wight. I am basically being told to eat whatrver the hell i want, and i can already tell you this, i wont. If i eat what i want i feel bad, and so if that is being added on to extra portion sizes, i am going to be disgusted with myself. I already know it and i dont need to test it. Becaus im scared. Scared of food. That is what i need help with. I need to get over the fear of food bevause i am going to continue to lie about what i ate and continue to write suff down in my food diary that i didnt actually eat, and i am going to continue to skip meals because i feel guilty. I need help. Please help.
Im doing it like this so my change can be very slow. I do not want to gain the wight back too fast because tthis has happened before, and i hated myself for it. I hated myself for so long and i was so miserable. I think we all know the thought of being fat. I cant go through that again. I just cant. And doing this will make sure it doesnt actually happen like that, right? When this happened to me before, it led me to this. I want to gain weight back slowly. I need help acceoting the change, no matter how quick, or how slow it it. I really need help. I do not want hate myslef. I need help dealng with changes. I know i have to gain weight. I know i will look different. But right now i am not me. I look sickly. I look too thin. I look reslly bad. But how do i not hate myself when i change? How do i cope with my ribs going away? And how long will take? How do i cope with my spine not poking out anymore? How long will that take? How much weight will alter my appearance? How much weight gain a week will affect me? (Is a pound too fast) Will my stomach get fat? Will i even out to what i once looked like? I just really need help and i need help coping with a slow wight gain. That is my goal. I want to go really slow so i dont freak myself out. I dont want to hate myself. I want to avoid that. I also need help coping with more food. How am i going to deal with increased portion sizes? Imngoing to be wathced a lot more and i wont have leeway, so how do get past eating disorder thoughts of 'thats to much' or just feeling gross for eating more. How do i get past that?
Just please help me. Im so scared and i dont know what to do. I dont know what to do. I need help with change. How do i deal with this change? How should i deal with this change?
