I'm so high right now, and these are just high ramblings and thoughts. I wonder if anyone can relate. Most of the reason I wanted to handsfree purge when I did really want to was for the convenience, but also
In some ways, it feels like the final step. The last boss in the purging game. This is how you go from Bulimia to AN-B/P (The Got-There-But-Didn't-Do-It-Quite-Right Anorexics), and ascend the Eating Disorder Hierarchy. It's also how you die much sooner, but that's just an occupational hazard, dearest.
It feels like something that's this earned sign of your ascended state of bulimia, and I think that's for two reasons. There's two main things people say about HF purging and doing it, and there's this: You either do some complicated combination of stomach contractions and/or breathing and/or pushing or some shit OR you purge long enough/hard enough/often enough/well enough already that the top of your stomach fucking falls apart at the fucking seams and the food just climbs up on its own. So it's like 1. You're either so good at purging that your body just knows what do to--translation: "you're that much better than I am" or 2. You fucked your shit up so bad, that it can just do what it's "supposed" to do--translation: "you're that much sicker than I am." And of course, we all know that it's expressedly true that Sick Enough and Good Enough are direct synonyms.
I held this mindset mostly when I was younger--in the years where I would scroll myproana for hours. But sometimes, it's still there. Like I'll start to feel bad when I'm purging because I don't handsfree well enough to actually utilize it then I have to stop and remember that I don't even WANT to be purging right now!!! I want to recover, and I literally hate having bulimia now. It's like the Competetive Ana Hierarchy is ingrained into the ED itself and not just my mindset. (I'm sure someone could do a psychosocial study on that. Maybe I should make it the topic of my master's thesis. No one steal the idea please. I'm gonna do the psychosocial study). And because my sense of worth is so tied up in my ED, there is still an urge to engage in every part of it.
The better part of me does hope I can't learn because it'll be harder to get better, and God I really have to get better ): next time you get down on your knees in front of the toilet, do a quick prayer for my recovery before you purge 😭
Good night, everyone. If you read this all the way till the end, I'm shocked you stayed 🤣
In some ways, it feels like the final step. The last boss in the purging game. This is how you go from Bulimia to AN-B/P (The Got-There-But-Didn't-Do-It-Quite-Right Anorexics), and ascend the Eating Disorder Hierarchy. It's also how you die much sooner, but that's just an occupational hazard, dearest.
It feels like something that's this earned sign of your ascended state of bulimia, and I think that's for two reasons. There's two main things people say about HF purging and doing it, and there's this: You either do some complicated combination of stomach contractions and/or breathing and/or pushing or some shit OR you purge long enough/hard enough/often enough/well enough already that the top of your stomach fucking falls apart at the fucking seams and the food just climbs up on its own. So it's like 1. You're either so good at purging that your body just knows what do to--translation: "you're that much better than I am" or 2. You fucked your shit up so bad, that it can just do what it's "supposed" to do--translation: "you're that much sicker than I am." And of course, we all know that it's expressedly true that Sick Enough and Good Enough are direct synonyms.
I held this mindset mostly when I was younger--in the years where I would scroll myproana for hours. But sometimes, it's still there. Like I'll start to feel bad when I'm purging because I don't handsfree well enough to actually utilize it then I have to stop and remember that I don't even WANT to be purging right now!!! I want to recover, and I literally hate having bulimia now. It's like the Competetive Ana Hierarchy is ingrained into the ED itself and not just my mindset. (I'm sure someone could do a psychosocial study on that. Maybe I should make it the topic of my master's thesis. No one steal the idea please. I'm gonna do the psychosocial study). And because my sense of worth is so tied up in my ED, there is still an urge to engage in every part of it.
The better part of me does hope I can't learn because it'll be harder to get better, and God I really have to get better ): next time you get down on your knees in front of the toilet, do a quick prayer for my recovery before you purge 😭
Good night, everyone. If you read this all the way till the end, I'm shocked you stayed 🤣
