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Discussion starter · #481 ·
17/1/2023 64.6 kg today

Overate yesterday but cooked a new food. Actually got a shit ton done despite still being sore. The sore muscles behind my collarbones are the worst and keep making my neck stiff too. But I finally got nearly all the Christmas stuff packed away, washed my bath mats, and finished my latest small sewing project. It was just adding trim to some new shorts but I now have three new pairs of shorts with a frilly trim which is awesome.

Time is moving too quickly, it’s been almost a week since I got my paperwork for going back to work and I haven’t had a chance to start to read it yet. My mind is also already throwing up blocks that will delay me completing it and instead of getting started on them, I just procrastinate harder. This week already feels so full, I’m going to have to work hard to make the time to get it done
 
Discussion starter · #482 ·
18/1/2023 64.0 kg today

Super weird considering I ate pizza but I’ll take the win. Been a busy morning. I’m trying to cram as much productivity as I can in before the new routine starts. I know I’ll fall behind for a bit while we adjust. My anxiety is high as fuck right now and I blew up this morning because I got overwhelmed and hubby wakes up late (he needs the sleep, he’s not being lazy) and I need more support in the mornings but by the time it’s clear I’m not going to get it done on my own, I’m too worked up and flipping out. I was so worked up this morning I even articulated my fear that I’ll still carry the whole mental load and if I need to ask for help to get routine stuff done, I’m going to burnout, melt down, and whatever else. I’m not sure I got my point across properly but it’s the best I can do.

Got stuff done this morning and made myself sit down to start my paperwork. Anxiety shot up but I was doing ok until I realised someone mixed up some papers and now I’m trying not to freak out. I’ve already taken steps and made a plan but I’m on the edge of a proper meltdown, I can feel it lurking.

I also have the start date and it’s only two weeks from now. Only two weeks of safety before a huge scary change. I know I’ll get through. I’ve survived every other big change so far, I’ll survive this too … I hope.

My wrist is raw af but I haven’t cut yet, just scraping. I know that’s not good either but it’s less distressing to others to see.
 
Discussion starter · #483 ·
20/1/2023 64.2 kg yesterday, 64.8 kg today

Feeling gross and fat and stressed but apparently I’m stress eating instead of stress starving and I know which I’d prefer, the one that doesn’t make fat

Taking the kids to the movies and hoping I don’t get a migraine. I’m pretty certain I’m desperately cramming everything in to this last week and a bit that I possibly can and I’m probably going to suffer for it but I don’t know what I can do about that. Stuff needs to get done. Anxious as hell
 
Discussion starter · #484 ·
21/1/2023 64.7 kg today

Feeling fat a gross and I know it’s going to get worse. I’m trying not to let it bother me too much. I know I can get back and keep going so I’m going to try and just ride it out for now.

My teeth are getting worse. Even when rinsing my mouth with water after each mouthful of fortified wine, my teeth were slightly sore by the end of the evening. I also end up drinking a bit faster which I don’t like because it’s harder to control. But I don’t want a mouthful of water after every tiny sip.

Not been getting enough sleep lately. Switching the youngest off lactose has helped bedtimes but not keeping him asleep through the night. It would be really nice to go to bed at a decent hour and sleep through.

Had a couple wins yesterday, went to the movies and took precautions that saved me from getting a borderline migraine or even a headache and then asked someone for help after an arsehole parked me in. Was too tired to wash my hair last night so I gave the fringe a little half arsed wash and went to bed. Woke up looking like I stepped out of the frigging eighties!
 
Discussion starter · #485 ·
22/1/2023 65.2 kg today

Gross, going to have to knuckle down this week I think. Got a lot done yesterday, feeling tired today. Last night was lunar new year apparently so I smudged the house and threw cinnamon in the door which is supposed to help prosperity or something. I was feeling so fat I decided to do that exercise where you stand in t-pose and then touch your opposite toes or whatever. I did about twenty and then thought of doing a divisor of seven because it’s a lucky number but the next divisor was four times seven and four is an unlucky number in China (I think) so I did seven times seven and my legs felt wobbly and tired afterwards. They still feel weird today too so maybe I’ll do those more often since I don’t always want to lie on the floor for sit ups.

My bff has asked me to go to a concert with her and I kind of want to go but I’ve never been to a concert before and I don’t know if I can handle the noise. I want to go, for her and for me so I’m going to talk to hubby when he wakes up. It’d be nice to have gone to my first concert before I’m forty.

Only one more week of freedom before the huge change of starting work. Hopefully I find out what my shifts will be this week so I can start making plans
 
Discussion starter · #486 ·
24/1/2024 64.3 yesterday, 64.9 kg today

What the fuck did I eat yesterday?!? I really need to get back on track with my diet. This is getting out of hand and there is so much going on. I need some semblance of control. I’m really struggling with not enough hours in the day and the youngest has a head cold that means I’m getting even less sleep than normal. The count down to going back to work is stressing the hell out of me too
 
Discussion starter · #487 · (Edited)
25/1/2023 haven’t weighed yet, might edit later 64.6 kg

Today is my intake interview for work. It’s the first step of everything changing. I have stuff to get done around this meeting but I don’t know how long it will take so I can’t make proper plans.

I’ve woken up with a headache and I just want to go back to sleep but that’s not an option. I should get moving though, put some war paint on
 
Discussion starter · #488 · (Edited)
26/1/2023 64.2 kg

Finding it hard to fit in entries here once I get up and moving. Been missing a lot of days. Might be better to just write an entry without weighing and add the weight later. At least sometimes.

Interview went well yesterday, so did my errands. Was along and tiring day though, compounded by fucking painful period cramps. I only just realised that going back to work means I’m going to have to work through those pains now. I used to be able to take it a little easy on the bad pain days. No chance now. I spoke to my friend and former coworker (I’m basically replacing her role that she left last year). She finally told me why she left and I’m feeling really confused about it. Basically my boss who has been nothing but kind and supportive to me was constantly rude to her even going so far as to ignore her when she said hello and then say hello to someone else in the room. Im really anxious about learning that. She’s always been nice to me but if she does that with some people, what if she starts doing that with me? I feel muddled and afraid now.
I know my shifts now so I’m making plans how to make it work but it’s still scary. My finish times are going to affect the whole evening routine and some of the morning routines.

This morning I’m feeling even more anxious and depressed than normal. I’m tired and stressed to the gills about starting next week. It’s also a public holiday today so all the kids are home and it’s going to be crazy hot. I have to get moving and start the day but I just want to curl in to a ball and cry.

I’m a failure at trying to get back on my diet too. One day of restricting and then last night I ended up going well over.

I hate periods, I hate change, I hate struggling financially, I hate my stupid fat bulgy body with stupid flat saggy boobs and my stupid ugly face that only ever looks ok with filters. I hate covid and hubby’s work and everything his injury stole from us that no amount of money will ever get back. I hate never feeling financially secure or even safe that we won’t have to move again and again and again. I hate not having enough money for specialists and putting off not only my own medical and dental care but my children’s as well. I hate driving all fucking day only to have to do it again tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow.
 
Discussion starter · #489 ·
27/1/2023 64.5 kg today

Wtf?! The only thing I can think of that might have caused this was a noodle bowl I’ve been eating. There I was, thrilled to find something yummy, that was only 307 calories, and yet was filling and now it looks like it a retention food and not a safe choice after all? Really fucking annoying.

The countdown to starting work is constantly looming. I’ve been making possible plans now that I have my schedule but there’s still a lot to do and worry about and no plans will completely appease the anxiety of such a big change nor the fear that this will be too much for me. Especially as I’ll most likely still be carrying the mental load. I need to not have to constantly ask the other parents to do routine shit. I need the others to also track the time of day and feed the kids their meals and snacks without me having to constantly ask and remind. I need jobs to be seen and then done instead of me constantly having to do it or ask someone to do it. Asking someone to do a job is almost as much work as just doing it myself and I’m fucking terrified that my workload has now doubled and my free time has been diminished to one morning a week and I’m going to burn out or kill myself or something. I’m also fucking terrified that the extra money isn’t going to balance out in our favour and this will leave us worse off instead of better. I’m fucking terrified and screaming in to the void because all I get when I voice my concerns is “We’ll make it work”, “It’s going to be fine”, “Once it’s routine it’ll be easy”, etc.

Woke up stupid early this morning because someone in a dream made me so angry it woke me up. Literally. Feel so stupid at being so angry about a nonexistent person that I couldn’t get back to sleep but how do you even address such a thing?
 
Discussion starter · #490 ·
Too drunk apparently to type in my log in correctly. The new job next week is looming and in fucking scared. The last few
Months have been a trial imo and you know what I learned? No matter how late home I am, I’ll still be finishing dinner … or starting it because it’s too fucking hard to follow a fucking routine. Nvm that I’m already freaking out about overtired kids who have proven to eat better with an early dinner. Nvm that I’ve spent the last two to three fucking years in ducking survival mode as I carry the whole fucking household. No. It’s fine for hubby to talk about monetising a hobby that relies on multiple flakish friends who aren’t going to put in the work without an actual boss breathing down their necks. I’d fucking love the fucking chance to monetise one of my hobbies. I’d also ducking love the chance for a fucking break any time soon. I’ve been selfish lately, taking twenty minutes three or four times a week to play a level of a kids video game. That completely undoes the stress of managing a whole fucking household and going back to work and trying it to fucking kill myself. Where’s the fucking knife? I need to see and taste blood or it will be worse than that tonight! I want to fucking since my fucking wrists open!!!
 
Discussion starter · #491 · (Edited)
28/1/2023 65.0 kg today

Bit of a headache but it’s my own fault. I’m tired and unmotivated today but I’ve put on my yard work clothes in case I get motivated later or something. I fell asleep after resettling the youngest and didn’t wake up until 1:30 am so I had to shower and brush my teeth then. Woke up to a kid in my bed twice at least and had some strange dreams. I don’t want to do anything

Finally got dressed and went downstairs. I heard hubby’s voice a few times this morning so I foolishly thought I was being left alone so I could sleep in for once. I’m clearly a fucking idiot for being so hopeful. I get downstairs and the kids haven’t had their breakfast or the meds and hubby is still asleep. Now I’m fighting the urge to fucking slit my wrists open again. I’ve spent the last three weeks talking to anyone who will listen about how ducking terrified I am that I’ll still be doing all the ducking work at home and have now given up almost every last iota of me time I had and possibly not even earn enough money to make up for what I’ll lose. I’m fucking stressed and scared and feeling ignored and unsupported and I want to ducking run away for a week so they can see just how fucking much I fucking do. I can’t even have a fucking lie in on the fucking weekend
 
Discussion starter · #492 ·
29/1/2023 65.4 kg today

Fat sack of garbage. Feeling a little less stressy depressy today but honestly it’s not hard to feel less depressed than I did yesterday. I lost count how many times I cried including sobbing on the bathroom bench after my shower last night.

I’m very tired today and it’s already too hot. Didn’t get any gardening done yesterday but got some work stuff sorted. I’m going to try and relax today and be more positive about shit. Tell myself that I did so little because that’s what I needed. Not sure I believe it but I dunno … fake it til you make it?
 
Discussion starter · #493 ·
31/1/2023 65.8 kg yesterday, 64.5 kg today

Glad to see the numbers go down but it’ll probably go up tomorrow. Ate half a slice of Costco pizza and now fighting the urge to just binge hard. The dichotomy between stress eating and stress starving urges is frigging weird af. I feel almost ready for a complete meltdown but it’s always “over there” and I can’t even cry properly.

I told a mum friend this morning how I’m going back to work and she was excited for me. Hubby is trying to tell me it’s exciting too. No one seems to understand the intense levels of dread that are smothering me and how I want to run away screaming or get myself sectioned or something. I truly don’t think I’m strong enough for this but I also feel I have no choice. So I’ll accept a little more burden, I’ll fight a little bit harder (a lot harder) to get through each day, and I’ll die a little more on the inside.
 
Discussion starter · #494 · (Edited)
1/2/2023 64.2 kg today

Today I start work. It’s only a half day so I have a little time to myself before I start work for the day which is good. Tomorrow and Friday will be harder. I’ll be rushing to get out the door and to work on time and then I’ll have two long days. I feel like I’m going to have to hit the ground running and I’m fucking terrified. My chest feels tight and my stomach is doing somersaults. I’m not going to bring any food today for myself and I’ll probably only bring an emergency snack tomorrow.

Everyone is so excited for me and I know a little better how our finances will balance and it looks like we will be better off. I’m not excited. I’m anxious, scared, terrified, worried, concerned, and sounding like a fucking thesaurus. I can’t find the words to express just how scared I am. I’ve literally spent the last three years exhausted, stressed, and burnt out and now I’m doubling or more my workload. If it doesn’t kill me, we will be better off financially and I can start saving for things like paediatric assessments, a diagnosis for myself, dentistry, and a financial safety cushion. If it doesn’t kill me
 
Discussion starter · #495 ·
2/2/2023 Will weigh when I get up

I survived my first day. I spent most of it reading policies and stuff though. I was only doing actual work for like two hours and it was exhausting. I have a long day today and tomorrow with early starts. I’m really truly concerned how I’ll cope but I’m going to give it my damndest try. Honestly, yesterday fry like I hit the ground running and I know I didn’t really. There’s so much to do all the time.

I probably should get up or I’ll be rushing all morning
 
Discussion starter · #496 ·
3/2/2023 63.7 kg today

Last day of my first work week and I’m exhausted. I’m pleased to see the unmeasurable things I’ve eaten at work haven’t set me back. I’m frigging exhausted and have huge bags under my eyes.

I think this job wouldn’t be as full on if there weren’t so many behavioural needs kids. If I can survive this year, next year might be better. I’d only have to get myself to work, I could do late night shopping after work, etc.

I got close to tears a couple times yesterday but I don’t know if things will get worse or better so I’m going to hope for better
 
Discussion starter · #497 ·
4/2/2023 64.5 kg today

Not great but Saturday weight is never good and I’m too tired to let Neg bitch me out over it.

I survived my first week at work. My legs are really sore because I was on my knees a lot and then when my knees got too sore I was crouching a lot so now my thighs are killing. Ana whispers how that’s good because I’m strengthening muscles. She’s also disappointed in me because I snacked at work. We’re constantly feeding the kids and supposed to show them how good the food is by eating a bit too (plus it’s actually good food). I never take much but because I can’t measure it, Ana gently admonishes me. I got overwhelmed and stressed a few times but I didn’t cry (got close once or twice) and so far at home the others are stepping up to help carry the load so I’m feeling a little hopeful. Exhausted, but hopeful. The best bit was two different coworkers making a point of telling me I was doing really well and they’re glad I’m here and stuff like that. They did need to say anything but they did. That kind of shit is one of the strongest weapons for me beating the shit out of Neg for a day or two.
 
Discussion starter · #498 · (Edited)
5/2/2023 65.5 kg today

Like a fat sack of crap

Well the meltdown came yesterday and hit hard. I blew up then turned on myself and crumpled. I spent the rest of the day exhausted and fragile, even though I was making jokes later, I was like a cracked window.

Today I’m exhausted again but have to start preparing for the week. Feeling alone again. I shared my success with a group here and got next to no response. I know it’s probably just because they’re having their own struggles but it made me feel so invisible and alone, which was extra hard once I cracked. I glad I survived my first week at work but I’m so apprehensive. If I’m going to crack this hard after only one week, what if it just gets worse? There’s no guarantee that this type of exhaustion will be something that lessens as I get used to it. What if I become the frog in the pot? Slowly boiling to death
 
Discussion starter · #499 ·
6/2/2023 65.8 kg today

Feel disgusting and lazy. Was still so burnt out yesterday I could barely do anything. Then took a minor spill that has left me sore in so many places I look like some kind of victim of something or other. Having so many bandages on increases the temptation of cutting while I have an excuse to keep it covered. Trying to resist but not sure how long I’ll last

Trying to get use to this new routine, going to do a big shop and trying to get the hang of this new app that lets us share the shopping list between us.

One step in front of the other for now, need to be more strict on Mondays and Tuesdays I think, until I get better at stopping myself from snacking at work.
 
Discussion starter · #500 · (Edited)
7/2/2023 64.7 kg today

Down by 1.1 kilos and it doesn’t feel like enough

I feel like I’m screaming in to a void. No one sees or hears. Everyone is too busy with their own shit but my head is getting really bad again. This huge change is hard enough without the extra life shit that keeps piling on. I’m not doing good enough at resisting SH. It’s too easy rn with all the bandages from my fall. I can keep it all hidden. Ana whispers to me to find a way to just completely skip dinner as well and truly fast for the next couple of days. She keeps promising how wonderful it will feel to finally collapse for real, for people to finally see how badly I’m struggling. I don’t know what I want to come of it though. I know the others are doing what they can. I can see them struggling with the extra strain. I’m struggling too hard to care properly. They’ve barely started picking up the slack of everything I used to do and I’m already finding my extra workload an extreme challenge. Before last night, I hadn’t cut my dominant wrist in years unless there was a legitimate scratch to refresh. The old scar was barely even visible. I didn’t cut deep, just a scratch, but there’s no mistaking it for an accident.
 
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