Eating Disorder Support Forum banner
  • This website may include conversations, media, and content around topics relating to eating disorders, trauma, addiction, and mental health. Please be aware that this content may be upsetting, difficult, or triggering for some. EDSF is intended as a place of safety. If you or someone you know is struggling with an eating disorder, Feast-ED.org is a resource that lists the organizations set up to help.
461 - 480 of 899 Posts
You are doing the absolute best you can do and that is enough. Don't beat yourself up too much, being a parent is difficult and you are rocking it while you're sick. It's totally valid that your MH is not okay, you're sick, it's the holidays, money is tight, and there's just a lot going on. But you, as an individual and a parent, are doing GREAT. I've been following your blog for quite some time now and I'm telling you that despite everything that's happened, you are still alive and worthy. Please, please, please, give yourself some kindness. You deserve it. <3
 
  • heart
Reactions: Elfin
Discussion starter · #462 ·
You are doing the absolute best you can do and that is enough. Don't beat yourself up too much, being a parent is difficult and you are rocking it while you're sick. It's totally valid that your MH is not okay, you're sick, it's the holidays, money is tight, and there's just a lot going on. But you, as an individual and a parent, are doing GREAT. I've been following your blog for quite some time now and I'm telling you that despite everything that's happened, you are still alive and worthy. Please, please, please, give yourself some kindness. You deserve it. <3
Thank you so much for this. Last night was so hard
 
Discussion starter · #463 ·
28/12/2022 64.0 kg today

Still feeling crook but I have to take the youngest to get their vaccinations. I got the reminder text yesterday and it said something about it might be privately billed. It was an automatic text so all messages might have that now but I’m having to deal with the extra stress of possibly having to argue about payment because I wasn’t informed when I booked that I’d be billed privately. I’m not great at arguing this kind of thing and if I have to, I’ll probably cry so I’m desperately hoping they won’t and it was just the standard text. Need to find a doctor that’s closer to home but I never know where we’ll be a year from now and I hate having to go through the whole process over and again.

MH is slightly better this morning so I’m hoping I can get through without as much extra dark Neg screaming at me. Last night was really bad and I don’t have the time or strength to fight that hard every day without doing something really stupid.

Here’s hoping today is better!
 
Discussion starter · #464 · (Edited)
29/12/2022 haven’t weighed yet, getting up is so hard (Edit: 63.6 kg)

Feels like I’m never going to get better. I probably sound like such a whiny pain in the arse but I rarely get laid up this bad and the worst part is that I never get any real rest when I am this sick. Roommate got a migraine yesterday and got to spend all day sleeping. I’m struggling to cope with even the most basic tasks and the kids are bored so they get hyper. I’m too sick to get up every fucking time they act out but if I don’t get up nothing gets done because I’m the “well one”. Even when I’m sick as a dog, I fucking do the most. I ate some leftover Christmas food yesterday and then last night learned it was in the turn too. I’m so fucking done. I’m tempted to just not eat. I feel like shit and I’m exhausted and yelling and the best I can say about my MH is that I’m slightly hopeful in the morning I won’t be as suicidal by the evening. I’m still here but it’s a fucking battle. I wish it was winter. It’s so much easier to hide the wounds when I can wear long sleeves all the time. I’m tempted to just not eat until my stomach feels better. Nothing, not a single bite. I can blame the food I ate yesterday making my stomach worse. All I can think about right now is dying. I just want this constant struggle to end. I want to die
 
Discussion starter · #465 ·
30/12/2022 64.0 kg today

Broke down yesterday morning and had a big cry. That helps a bit but the stress and anxiety are still pretty bad. Roommate is now sick with a nasty head cold or something and, selfish me, my first thought was how now I’ll have even less time to feel better because I’ll be picking up the slack more.

I got so frustrated yesterday. We used to have really strict rules with the kids, no devices before a certain time, but we got more slack with those rules, especially the other two parents whenever I tried to take a step back. I got tired of being the heavy, so I let it slide and watched the problems arise. Then hubby made a comment about how we need to go back to the stricter rules and I wanted to scream.

I have a headache this morning and I think I’m mostly feeling better but I’m scared I’ll do too much and pay the price. Hubby stepped up a little more yesterday which was good, but it only happened because I broke down. I shouldn’t need to start crying for him to be more involved. I need him to listen more.

I miss the days when housing stress was just whether or not we had enough to make rent. I’m sick of fearing whether or not we’ll be told to move because the owner wants to sell again. I’m terrified of asking for repairs and being deemed too demanding. I’m terrified of doing my fucking best and still being forced to move again. Or living with shit falling to pieces and having another extreme rent hike next year.

I’m sick to death of money struggles and knowing nearly every single problem in my life could be fixed if we had enough money
 
Discussion starter · #466 ·
31/12/2022 64.6 kg today

Discovered last night that my tummy still isn’t fully mended and the two drinks I had were a big mistake. Didn’t chuck but I felt very, very sick for a couple of hours. My tummy is still sensitive this morning which is annoying.

I’m scared about the coming year. I’m literally terrified my constant state of fear, anxiety, and burnout is going to be worse and the most positive thing I can think is maybe I’ll finally have a proper breakdown and people will finally understand just how badly I’ve been struggling for the past three years. I simultaneously fear having to go IP because my family will crash and burn without me and dream of going IP so I can have a fucking break because even when I have fucking gastro I’m still having to do shit all the ducking time

I’m getting tired of being fat and over full all the time. Going to try and drink more water before eating because every time I drink water after food, I go from being still hungry to barely able to move. I’m also bloated as hell from eating bread every day. I’m annoyed I won’t be able to drink tonight. The dopamine hit was a huge help. I’m no longer suicidal this morning, merely depressed and exhausted
 
Discussion starter · #467 ·
1/1/2023 64.9 kg today

Happy new year, I guess. People are sick still/again whatever. I’m exhausted and angry at myself for trying something new. I cut my hair and it looks terrible and stupid and I’m an idiot for doing it. I don’t even look like me anymore. I just look stupid.

I’m exhausted and the kids are all going to be tired but I’m going to have to carry the load because the other two are even more exhausted. I doubt I’ll get through today without cutting. I already hate myself
 
Discussion starter · #468 ·
2/1/2023 64.5 kg today

Kmn!What we thought was a nasty head cold has turned out to be the plague. Our household is no longer novid and I woke up this morning with a raging headache and raw sinuses. I was already burnt out with no spoons to deal with roommate projecting anxious energy all over the fucking house and now I want to crawl in to a hole and die before I infect my kids if I haven’t already. I’m tired of carrying the load and I’m tired of burnout and I want it all to end. I want peace and calm and I’ll take it any way now. If I wasn’t so certain my household would fall apart without me, I’d ask to be put in a psych hold if only to get me on the books somewhere as needing something, therapy, meds, a knife to open my veins, I don’t fucking know but I need things to stop constantly getting worse and harder all the fucking time
 
Discussion starter · #469 ·
3/1/2023 64.9 kg today

Everything hurts. I’m still the first awake, trying to find the strength to make the kids breakfast. I thought of another reason right now not to kill myself. If I die now, I’ll die with this horrible haircut. Plus all the usual shit, my family needs me, the kids need me, everything would fall apart if I so much as lay aside my burden for five minutes. It is a burden. The load is too much and there’s no time for fun or relaxation. Sometimes I might look like I’m getting some rest but it’s never anywhere near enough to actually feel rested, there’s never enough time to sit down and play a game, do some sewing, read a book. Anything that needs ten minutes or more uninterrupted, I can’t do. I’m pretty sure the youngest is getting sick too. Had a rough night with them on top of everything I was already suffering. My bones feel like they’ve had hot lead poured in to them. I want the pain and struggle to stop
 
Discussion starter · #470 ·
4/1/2023 64.2 kg today

I’m still sick as a dog but I guess I’m slightly better than yesterday because pain killers are mostly working today instead of just taking the edge off the extreme pain. It’s hard and I seriously think we’ll be stuck being sick for the whole school holidays at this rate. We haven’t been a well household for two months now thanks to gastro and now the plague. The only positive thing I can say is at least I won’t be feeling guilty about not organising any play dates this summer because we can’t risk infecting anyone
 
Discussion starter · #471 ·
5/1/2023 64.0 kg today

Still in a lot of pain, still very weak. But I think I’m slowly getting better. I’m curious how fucking bad this plague would have been if I hadn’t been vaccinated. I literally got all three (four? I dunno) shots and I was hit for six. The youngest has complained of a headache but otherwise acted completely normal, second youngest was really sick for less than two days, third youngest was achey and spiking temps yesterday but is eating fine today, and the oldest complained of a headache the other day that might not have even been the plague. Wtf seriously.

I’m so fucking done with the whole fucking house getting one illness after another and our holidays getting ruined. I want a fucking do-over. I want Halloween back. I want Christmas and new years back. I want the school holidays to not be half over and spent entirely being sick.
 
Discussion starter · #472 ·
6/1/2023 63.7 kg today

It’s so weird feeling less sick and simultaneously more sick all at once. The head cold symptoms are lessening but the weakness and dizziness are getting worse. I’m eating whatever I feel like still but it’s definitely less than I was eating over Christmas. Mostly just looking for whatever tastes like dopamine right now. Still feeling annoyed at the whole summer holidays being wasted with illness. Feeling like a waste of space. Not getting out of bed properly before nine, spending most of my time on the couch
 
Discussion starter · #473 ·
7/1/2023 63.7 kg today

Appetite has dropped significantly. I’m not avoiding food exactly but I’m not eating unless I feel hungry. It’s mid-afternoon and I’ve just eaten a small snack and that’s all I want. I braved the shops this morning and was dizzy as hell for most of it. Mostly feel better, slight sniffle maybe, but the dizzies are nuts and I’m getting anxious about how bad the garden is getting because we’ve been too busy and sick for like two months now.
 
Discussion starter · #474 ·
8/1/2023 63.6 kg today

Had an atrocious night’s sleep and woke up with a headache. Head also feels kind of thick and heavy like it’s full of wet cement. Appetite still very low but going to try and catch up on the laundry, since we haven’t done any proper washing since before Christmas. I’ll see how I go with the extra work
 
Discussion starter · #475 ·
9/1/2023 63.9 kg today

Appetite still small but ate two bread rolls yesterday which is probably why I’m heavier. Kind of funny how I just managed to hit upon maintenance without trying. Promising for the future when I’m thin enough. The dizzies are still hanging around but I don’t feel as afraid to drive now so they’re definitely lessened.

I dreamed last night that I kept fainting but even in the dream it felt a little unreal, the whole “ I have to choose to allow it” thing I have. The third time it happened in my dream, I even heard someone in the dream say “Really?! Again?!” Like they knew I was choosing to allow it. It’s so strange because allowing a faint or collapse still requires the feeling that you’re going to faint or collapse. It’s not the same as faking but it feels like you are.
 
Discussion starter · #476 · (Edited)
10/1/2023 63.4 kg today

Fucking bullshit! No fucking wonder I struggle to ask for help!! It’s sucks to be constantly pushing through and forcing myself to get shit done no matter how garbage I feel but you know what’s worse? Asking for help and support and then not getting it anyway!! I spent most of yesterday with a migraine. I’m not even used to getting migraines but apparently I will be for a while. It wasn’t so bad when it was just the dizzy kind without the pain but apparently I’ve now progressed to stabbing pain that won’t go away with over the counter pain meds. But I still was the one feeding the kids, getting up to break up fights because even in my state I move more easily than the other two parents. I still fucking cooked dinner for the kids and had to actively ask hubby to make the salads. I told the other two they were on their own for dinner. I had to tell them when the kids dinner was done. Then I had to serve it up. Then I had to put food on for them because they still hadn’t done shit about feeding themselves. All of this while my head feels like knives are stabbing all through my head. I still put the youngest to bed, I showered by candlelight because my head hurt so bad. So I asked the kids breakfast get made by someone else. Guess what didn’t fucking happen?!

I’m fucking sick of this fucking bullshit. Roommate gets a migraine, she gets to sleep all fucking day and be left alone. Hubby has a bad pain day, I step up and don’t ask him for help. I get a fucking migraine that I’m not used to and I’m still stuck doing at least half of the parenting and I’m sick of this fucking bullshit. Is it any wonder I’m constantly exhausted, anxious, stressed, fucking suicidal? I feel unsupported and alone and overburdened and I want to die because that’s the only way I’ll get any fucking rest! Maybe if I go stand on a bridge or a rooftop somewhere I’ll get sectioned and then I’ll actually get a fucking break and the other two will finally see how much I fucking do even when I’m too sick to do anything. It’s that or die right now
 
Discussion starter · #477 ·
12/1/2023 63.7 kg yesterday and today

Getting back in to even half the routine is a bit of a challenge. Starting work is looming too. I was given the paperwork I need to read through today. I’m really scared.

Appetite is all over the place. I’m not trying to restrict properly right now because I get dizzy too easily and not eating makes it worse. I’m trying to just eat when I actually feel hungry and I seem to have stumbled upon maintenance by sheer luck which is good.

Was motivated today and got a bunch of stuff done, tried some new things etc. It was good. If I wasn’t so scared about starting work in a couple of weeks, I’d be feeling excited even. But I’m so scared. I’m scared I’ll screw up or burn out. I’m scared I’ll fail and let people down. I’m scared the extra money won’t be enough but also be too much and leave us worse off while I do more. Most of all, I’m scared I’ll burn out and blow up at someone at work or have a complete meltdown. I struggled before on the noisy or overstimulated days. I struggle more now and now I’m going to start work and maybe have to deal with it even more? I’m fucking terrified!
 
Discussion starter · #478 ·
14/1/2023 63.5 kg yesterday, 63.6 kg today

Surprisingly good considering I had a kebab yesterday. Also realised kebabs don’t taste like dopamine anymore. They’re still delicious but I’m not craving them massively anymore. Lol, it only took about five years to get over them! Got a bunch of stuff done yesterday, even got to do some sewing. Drank last night and didn’t feel too sick. Got a headache this morning though because I was late to bed and so I drank more than I should have. Normally I make myself suffer through hangover headaches to punish myself for drinking wrong but I need to attack the yard today so I’ve taken meds already. My friend wants to come over today and I’m in two minds about it. I love her and seeing her but I don’t know if I have enough spoons for a visit and the yard work and the laundry and my mil. Shit, I haven’t even started the laundry yet. I guess it’s time to get moving.
 
Discussion starter · #479 ·
15/1/2023

Had a pretty good day yesterday. After forcing myself to get moving and get set up to mow the lawn, it started raining a bit. Not enough to properly count as rain but enough to prevent me from mowing. Left me full of what my roommate calls spiteful energy. I had forced my unwillingness self to get motivated and now I had nowhere to direct that energy. Instead I collected up the recycling to take to the machine, had a visit from my friend, and weeded out the back garden beds. So a pretty successful day in all. Feeling pretty tired today. Also the going back to work thing is looming and I can feel it lurking like a sword of Damocles or something. I’m really scared and sometimes I feel like no one is taking me seriously how scared I am. They’re all so sure I’ll be fine and it’ll be good for me and shit but I’m truly scared it’ll be a disaster
 
Discussion starter · #480 ·
16/1/2023 64.7 kg today

Was exhausted and sore yesterday after doing gardening the day before. Barely had any energy to do anything at all. Still pretty exhausted today but need to get shit done. The cleaners are coming today and I have to get the house tidy enough for them to be able to do their jobs. This also means I should probably put away the Christmas shit but I’m not sure I have the energy for that. The heat has been particularly awful too and I don’t cope well with heat. Never have. There’s only so much clothing you can take off and there’s so much more you can do to warm up, even when restricting.

I still haven’t started reading my work package. Anxiety shoots up every time I remember I need to get that done
 
461 - 480 of 899 Posts
Top