Eating Disorder Support Forum banner
  • This website may include conversations, media, and content around topics relating to eating disorders, trauma, addiction, and mental health. Please be aware that this content may be upsetting, difficult, or triggering for some. EDSF is intended as a place of safety. If you or someone you know is struggling with an eating disorder, Feast-ED.org is a resource that lists the organizations set up to help.
53K views 898 replies 24 participants last post by  Elfin 
#1 ·
Excuse me

It's the holidays, so I can share the parenting load a little more than normal (or so you'd think!). So I'm feeling like I can get away with drinking a little more, so I'm drinking most nights, not enough to not be able to function but enough that I can't drive anywhere (like to go pick up our gf who's just spewed so hard at work that she had to come home early). Tonight, hubby goes to me, "You've been drinking a lot lately."
I respond with, "Yeah, it's Christmas time." Because I can't really respond with "My first period since my miscarriage has just finished and I have to listen to you and our gf (and various other people) talk about her baby. It's very hard to be excited about a baby that makes our complicated lives a million times more complicated and reminds me every second of how empty my uterus is! I feel like I'm mourning this loss alone because you still have a baby to look forward to. Meanwhile, my tenuous friendships all seemed to disappear in a flash when people started to realise/guess our relationship so I have no one to talk to about all this except my pregnant gf, my (also pregnant) sister in law, and one mutual friend who actually understands but has such severe anxiety that I don't like to put too much on to her.
For my part I have my parents who do their best by pretending to not know, my sister who's trying to be supportive, one friend who I suspect knows and has distanced herself plenty over the last couple years and moreso around about the time everyone was figuring things out, and one final friend who did everything but block me after voicing her opinion of the relationship and has only just reached out to me, weeks after I announced my miscarriage.

I spend most days struggling to stop myself slicing my arms open or at least carving them up like a Christmas ham and if that means I drink regularly to take the edge off, why the hell shouldn't I when I doesn't leave me hung over and I'm still the one getting up with the kids in the morning (and through the night if/when they wake up) because heaven forbid I get a sleep in for once!!!

I do all the cooking so I don't have to wash up but just once it'd be nice to have someone cook for me for once or to have someone else mind the kids without immediately yelling at them when they misbehave (especially if I'm trying to nap during the day, which I rarely do because I'm the only one who can get the older kid to sleep during the day). I don't hate my gf for being pregnant any more than I hate any other woman right now for getting to be pregnant but it means that every time she complains about how awful she feels or asks my advice on baby wearing wraps or discusses the merits/price of car seats, i want to either drink myself in to a stupor or slice my wrists open. I feel getting mildly drunk is a safer alternative but apparently that's not good enough because lately hubby is feeling emotionally drained for taking up the slack mood-wise because she and I have been so down lately. I'm sorry! I'm sorry that I'm not one hundred percent happy all the time while I suffer through this miscarriage ALONE!! That is so new I literally only just had my first period since it over the last four days!! All the while listening to baby talk from my gf and from my sister in law (and seeing posts online from two friends who are celebrating Christmas with their first babies who are only a few months old)!! All the while stressing that someone is going to say the wrong thing at family gatherings at Christmas and all the drama is going to come out!!
I'm sorry that hubby decided to warn me I might get congratulated for my pregnancy when I dropped off food for his work Christmas party because he keeps mentioning his pregnant gf instead of sticking to the agreed public story that our roommate got pregnant with the turkey baster method from his donation (so he can acknowledge the child no matter what). Instead his wife who recently miscarried had to fight off panic attacks and smile through the fear until she can make her escape because you're an arse!!

But yeah, I'm a dick for drinking a little more frequently than a person should!! Part of me wants to just not eat anything ever again until I waste away to a skeleton so people can finally see how I'm feeling inside, but I also find myself constantly grazing until I go over my calory limit way too early in the day. I'm not sleeping enough, I'm eating too much, I'm starting to make myself throw up because I'm finally almost back to my pre-children weight, and all I want is to sleep for a year and not hurt anymore and to not have to deal with judgement or lose friends because our relationship is different to theirs.
 
See less See more
#2 ·
I'm not pregnant our gf is

I just need somewhere to vent.

I'm currently on day one of my first period since my miscarriage. As if that didn't suck enough, our girlfriend is pregnant. I had just over a week of being excited at getting to be pregnant together before the miscarriage happened. She was due a month before I was. It was very hard but I'd been doing ok the last week or so.

Today, I was bringing food in to hubby's work for last day Christmas lunch. He mentioned in passing that I might get congratulated because he sometimes mentions his partner being pregnant. (He later tonight I think tried to make me feel better by pointing out how he'd mentioned that his wife had a miscarriage but maybe people hadn't picked up on it because "people don't pay attention" or because he'd still occasionally mentioned the pregnant partner. I'm thinking the latter. You rarely think about the less comfortable subject especially when a more comfortable one is mentioned more frequently like the pregnant partner.) My anxiety ramped up the closer I got to lunch until I wanted to turn the car around and go home, throw up, and cut majorly. I got through it but I still haven't gotten out of the funk.

My problem (other than having to keep this extra difficulty secret) is that I could possibly pretend to be pregnant or I could pretend to be fine when I'm not, but I can't pretend to be pregnant when I'm suffering cramps and it's the first effing period I've had since my miscarriage. (I know it's our miscarriage but it seems like he's not suffering at all anymore and got over it all super fast because he still has a baby to look forward to. Whereas I have a constant reminder that I don't have a baby to look forward to.) I'm currently fighting every urge to slice up my arms over and again, not because I don't want to cut but because I don't want to get caught cutting. He's picked up that I'm in a mood but I don't think he gets why and I don't know how to discuss how I'm feeling without him blaming himself which will only make me feel worse. I just want oblivion, temporary or otherwise, it's hard to care how right now. I just want the pain to stop.

Final note: I don't hate her for being pregnant (at least no more than I currently hate any woman lucky enough to be pregnant). I don't want to die, I just don't want this pain. I don't regret our V relationship, just that I have to hide the very things I most need to be able to talk about.
 
#3 ·
I'm not pregnant our gf is

I just need somewhere to vent.



I'm currently on day one of my first period since my miscarriage. As if that didn't suck enough, our girlfriend is pregnant. I had just over a week of being excited at getting to be pregnant together before the miscarriage happened. She was due a month before I was. It was very hard but I'd been doing ok the last week or so.



Today, I was bringing food in to hubby's work for last day Christmas lunch. He mentioned in passing that I might get congratulated because he sometimes mentions his partner being pregnant. (He later tonight I think tried to make me feel better by pointing out how he'd mentioned that his wife had a miscarriage but maybe people hadn't picked up on it because "people don't pay attention" or because he'd still occasionally mentioned the pregnant partner. I'm thinking the latter. You rarely think about the less comfortable subject especially when a more comfortable one is mentioned more frequently like the pregnant partner.) My anxiety ramped up the closer I got to lunch until I wanted to turn the car around and go home, throw up, and cut majorly. I got through it but I still haven't gotten out of the funk.



My problem (other than having to keep this extra difficulty secret) is that I could possibly pretend to be pregnant or I could pretend to be fine when I'm not, but I can't pretend to be pregnant when I'm suffering cramps and it's the first effing period I've had since my miscarriage. (I know it's our miscarriage but it seems like he's not suffering at all anymore and got over it all super fast because he still has a baby to look forward to. Whereas I have a constant reminder that I don't have a baby to look forward to.) I'm currently fighting every urge to slice up my arms over and again, not because I don't want to cut but because I don't want to get caught cutting. He's picked up that I'm in a mood but I don't think he gets why and I don't know how to discuss how I'm feeling without him blaming himself which will only make me feel worse. I just want oblivion, temporary or otherwise, it's hard to care how right now. I just want the pain to stop.



Final note: I don't hate her for being pregnant (at least no more than I currently hate any woman lucky enough to be pregnant). I don't want to die, I just don't want this pain. I don't regret our V relationship, just that I have to hide the very things I most need to be able to talk about.
I just happened to read this and I'm very sorry for your loss. How are you doing now?
 
#4 ·
I'll never truly break

I'm reaching that point again. I'm getting snappish and irritable and desperate for help. Problem is, every time I try to express how I'm feeling it feels like it turns in to a blame game. I need them to do more but every time I let them do more I end up more stressed because someone ends up yelling. I yell sometimes but not until I've tried everything else.

I wish I could faint, or break down, or that I was strong enough to run away, or just something. I want to cut but that always turns back in to me hurting other people with my actions on myself. I just want people to see how much I'm hurting before I'm as close to breaking point as I ever get. No one ever sees how close I am, I can't let them because instead of them trying to help me, they just get hurt. Hurt that I'm hurting, hurt that what they do is never enough, hurt that I didn't talk about it sooner, all the pain is suddenly back on them and it's my fault for hurting. I love my kids and my partners. I don't want to die, but I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want to be an afterthought. I don't want to be atlas, carrying the world on my back. I don't want him staying up late to help resettle the kids if I'm then stuck taking care of them on my own all day as if I'm the only one home. Except that's exactly what happens anyway because he can't find things to occupy himself that can be interrupted every five seconds, so the kids just come to me for everything and I have to specifically ask him any time I want something done. And then he complains when he's working about not getting enough time with the kids and even suggesting he be the stay at home parent! As if you could handle it!
 
#5 ·
I'm getting obsessed with getting pregnant

I'd been kind of obsessed for a while, super aware of my cycles, until recently watching shows about pregnancy and babies, etc. But the other day it became really clear how much I've become obsessed. It was super hot and hubby didn't want sex. I so rarely try to initiate and it was my ovulation day and I felt rejected even though I've turned him down plenty of times when the weather is stupid hot. But it didn't end there, I was pissy and sad for the rest of the night and pretty much all of the next day. We ended up having sex that night (last night) so it was only one day after (you still have pretty good odds) and suddenly I was in a much better mood. The difference was almost comical (or would have been if I didn't internalise so much).

I'm not sure what to do, I can't stop the obsessing, so much of my black moods right now revolve around my cycle and my overwhelming desire for one more baby and the pain and jealousy caused by my miscarriage
 
G
#6 ·
I'm getting obsessed with getting pregnant

I'd been kind of obsessed for a while, super aware of my cycles, until recently watching shows about pregnancy and babies, etc. But the other day it became really clear how much I've become obsessed. It was super hot and hubby didn't want sex. I so rarely try to initiate and it was my ovulation day and I felt rejected even though I've turned him down plenty of times when the weather is stupid hot. But it didn't end there, I was pissy and sad for the rest of the night and pretty much all of the next day. We ended up having sex that night (last night) so it was only one day after (you still have pretty good odds) and suddenly I was in a much better mood. The difference was almost comical (or would have been if I didn't internalise so much).



I'm not sure what to do, I can't stop the obsessing, so much of my black moods right now revolve around my cycle and my overwhelming desire for one more baby and the pain and jealousy caused by my miscarriage
ovulution
 
#7 ·
I thought I was doing well

I made it until the last day of two of my period, I wasn't even too stressed but I was drinking as much as one might expect and then I wanted to cry at the shopping centre for people blocking walkways while I tried to steer a heavy trolley. It's not two days later, I don't want to go to bed, I feel like shit and am cranky cos I missed the fireworks because there was no one to go with me and I'm afraid to go up the road alone at night, even here. I'm alternating between nsusea (before and after eating), cravings, and just general self-hatred/ wanting to self-harm. I found a new way to fake grazes and I'm glad no one has picked up on just how much I'm hating myself now. It's like my body wants to mind-fuck me by making me think I'm pregnant and even making me feel sick and get headaches up to a week after the bleeds to make me wonder if maybe it's just implantation or something. I'd rather feel nauseous from being hungover than keep experiencing this but that makes me eat more and if I don't get to be pregnant, I'd like to at least be thin, but that's not an option when I'm constantly hungover and trying to ease the nausea.
Fuck this world, maybe I'll get lucky in the next and get the baby girl I'd die for by this point
 
#8 ·
I yelled at mum today

She never calls me except when she wants something. Whether it's to guilt me for not visiting, or to offload clutter, or to have someone to vent to. She never calls to see how I am. To see if I've been able to face working, to see how the children are, or their speech therapy. To see if I need any time off from the 24/7 job that is being a mum, or how I'm coping with my obsession with falling pregnant after my miscarriage. Instead, i have to deal with discussing some random my younger brother added on fb who currently has access to photos of my kids and my nieces and nephews all because my parents STILL haven't sufficiently explained internet safety to my TWENTY-SIX YEAR OLD BROTHER!!! And also have to explain for the umpteenth time why I'm sick of her defending the "friends" who have betrayed/abandoned me over the last few years and how I'm sick of having to defend my relationship to my own formerly supportive mother because one friend thinks I'm being gaslighted (look the term up if you're unfamiliar) and has poisoned many others against the whole business too. I dgaf except if they were my REAL friends and GENUINELY thought I was being gaslighted, they'd be there for me MORE not cut me off and block me on fb in every way possible excepté actually blocking me (because heavens forbid I actually find out I've been blocked and try to ask them why!*)Whatever!! Fuck it all and fuck anyone who can't accept me for what I am and who I am and the choices I make!! Dear mum, you want me to visit? How about tidying up so I'm not terrified of my kids getting crushed by piles of shit? Or so there's more than two ducking seats in the family room so people actually have somewhere to sit? Or coming to visit us so we don't have to fuck up the entire day's routine for a two hour visit and pack food because my kids are picky bastards and I can't guarantee you'll have enough food to give them a balanced diet that they'll actually eat? And how about you actually take MY side for once instead of defending bitches who have abandoned me in the past without heaven hearing my side? Ever thought maybe they're repeating history? Fuck it all and fuck toi!! I need your support now more than ever and I am millimetres from cutting you off too!! Fuck this shit, I'll move to Canada or Switzerland or Finland or something! I hate this country and the fucking heat anyway!!!

*(oh wait, that kind of happens because I actually got proof after months and asked about it and got "what took you so long to notice anyway?" as of it was my fault for not noticing in the first place, despite having noticed months ago but didn't mention until I knew for sure in case o was being paranoid!!
 
#9 ·
Some days you can do everything right ...

Some days you can do everything right, have no reason to be upset, but you still want to slice your skin open, you still over eat, you still want to break down and cry.
I regularly find myself wishing I was able to faint, wishing people could see how hard my fight is every day, wishing ... wishing someone could hear my screams.

I'm actually coping better than normal atm, I've taken up role playing again. My character can go through trauma and show it more easily than I can. I can control the trauma, make it valid in outsiders eyes, make her physical and mental hurt visible to the point that people see and support her. It helps, it even can make me smile on days when I feel the opposite. Yesterday, my character saved another character, she even damn near lulled herself in the process so I get to show her weaknesses for a while without seeming too attention seeking. My character has a devoted little friend who sometimes feels more trustworthy to my character than nearly everyone else in my life and she makes me smile, even when I don't feel like it.

The only problem? I still pigged out today. I still am fighting the urge hour by hour, minute by minute, to cut, to graze (my skin and food), to gorge myself on all the scary foods. I was happy today. I was patient, I was active, I was trying new things and getting things done ... and yet.

That's the thing about depression, it's not always logical, even if you are a person of logic. It's not always rational or predictable. Two weeks ago, I expected to struggle when my period came again, maybe not as much, but I still expected a lot. I was ok. I was mostly glad I was ok, but I was confused. This week just gone, I've been tense. I was using ovulation tests for the first time and started to fear I wasn't going to ovulate. What if I haven't fallen pregnant because I've lost my last chance? What if our delays mean I'll never get my last baby? What if I never get the baby girl I've desperately longed for for over a decade? I've been fighting so hard to not wallow and I finally got the green light yesterday and everything went according to plan. And yet ... and yet today I wanted to slice and scrape and bleed ... today I was happy and everything was going right ... and yet ...
 
#10 ·
Bargaining

I've been tracking fertility signs so closely this last month, I'm pretty sure I won't be pregnant even though I have another week to wait before I can do a test. It's like I'm going through the stages of grieving; denial, checking the same symptom three times, anger, I was pissy at everyone, and right now bargaining. My brain is trying to make a deal that if I don't drink at all this week, maybe the universe, God, whatever people believe in, might give me a baby. On the other hand, I just want to drink because why tf shouldn't I if I'm not going to get a baby anyway?
 
#11 ·
It's so stupid

All I want to focus on is losing weight and keeping my family happy and healthy. Instead I get to stress about where to get the money for the next bill. Where to send my four year old next year who has ASD. How to find the strength to do the necessary research when all I want is to crawl in to a hole somewhere and die. I spend hours a day ignoring the image of slicing my wrists open and ending the stress. Now I have to give up the closest I have to down time to earn extra cash to keep us from going jnder. I am struggling and the only people I can express this to are faceless strangers because heaven forbid I manage to express a need for assistance from someone who can actually help me!!
 
#12 ·
It's so stupid

All I want to focus on is losing weight and keeping my family happy and healthy. Instead I get to stress about where to get the money for the next bill. Where to send my four year old next year who has ASD. How to find the strength to do the necessary research when all I want is to crawl in to a hole somewhere and die. I spend hours a day ignoring the image of slicing my wrists open and ending the stress. Now I have to give up the closest I have to down time to earn extra cash to keep us from going jnder. I am struggling and the only people I can express this to are faceless strangers because heaven forbid I manage to express a need for assistance from someone who can actually help me!!
You're strong. Don't see struggle as losing, it is not.
 
#14 ·
Starting up again

So I started an accountability thread but found myself actually writing more like a journal so thought I'd move it to here. I don't normally do well at writing a diary or a journal but I've been fairly consistent so I'm going to try.

Yesterday I ate way too much, nearly 2000 calories. Woke up feeling full and nauseous. I haven't weighed myself yet and kind of dreading it.

Last night I dreamed I was on the verge of fainting. I kept having to sit down in random places and felt shaky and lethargic. Only a couple of people noticed. I doubt I'll get anywhere near that stage for real anytime soon. I've only ever come close to fainting once and I still lasted until the end of the take before getting out of shot. So many times in my life I've wished I could faint instead of having this soldier on complex where I can't let myself show how badly I'm struggling. I kind of miss the days when I was pregnant. Everyone cared how you were doing, offered you things like a place to sit or to fetch something for you. Now, when I struggle, it's invisible. I'm still fat so no one knows that I'm struggling to breathe or using my shopping trolley for support

Just weighed myself and I'm 76.4 kg. I'm still going down but somehow I feel less happy about it today like I don't deserve to lose weight today because I ate so much yesterday.

Have to go inside and start packing for the move. I hate packing. I have the least stuff but I end up having to pack things like the kitchen because my roommate has so much stuff and always unpacks everything, even at this place where we knew we weren't likely to get to stay long. She unpacked things like a tray of twenty or more nail polishes even though she rarely has time to paint her nails. I understand the hoarding impulse and how much nicer a room feels when it's fully unpacked but that was ridiculous and I end up having to pack stuff because she doesn't have time. Last move, I was throwing plastics and stuff in to a plastic bag on moving day because there was still whole cupboards full.
 
#15 ·
I was doing well until …

I was doing well today. I'd had three days in a row of *wanting* to look pretty and doing a little something like make up or pretty earrings. I even picked a happier shirt this morning (though still black and white).

I wasn't even panicking too much that this morning's weigh in hadn't gone down as much as I had been.

But then I had a set back this morning that threw my plans out by two hours and gave me an upset. Now, my chemicals are out of whack again, I have a massive headache, want to cry again, have complete apathy, and gave myself a little stealth cut for the first time in two or more weeks. I'm looking forward to getting home tonight so I can drink. I know it's self medicating but it's so much cheaper than antidepressants/anti anxiety meds.

I keep looking around my room and thinking about everything that still needs packing but most of it I can't pack until later. So I just lie here, feeling fat and lazy because I didn't have time to get my steps in
 
#16 ·
Happy/sad

Saturdays suck for my diet. I drink Friday nights and saturdays plus I allow extra calories to keep my metabolism guessing.
My toddler woke up during the night with a random fever. Normally, I'd keep an eye on it and book a doctors appointment if it hasn't settled down after a day. Thanks to covid, I now have to get him swabbed tomorrow so can can get him seen on Monday if it hasn't settled down. So looking forward to that(!)

Meanwhile, I spent three or more hours this morning doing washing and attacking the overgrown weeds at our current house to try and get the garden under control before we move out. I'm ok with requiring tenants to maintain the grounds of the property they're renting but I feel it's unfair to not get the grounds up to scratch first. I mean, if I'm expected to keep weeds and lawns under control, I shouldn't be forced to attack shoulder high growth and bindi/burr/dandelion infested lawns unless I allow matters to get that bad (which is not possible in the short time we've lived here!). There's weeds here too established for my strimmer and I don't own a hedge trimmer or a machete and my axe isn't designed for this crap!
Meanwhile, I'm trying to support hubby through his mental health struggles and get ready for the damn move except there's nothing really left I can pack and I'm forking tired after losing sleep last night. I let hubby and roommate sleep in this morning which doesn't really help them because they still always complain about not having enough time in the day, etc. I'm up at six every morning whether I want to or not s as HD I know I'll be picking up the slack again. My weight was lower today but it's not like it matters. I'm still stuck doing everything because my roommate is too exhausted cos she still won't sleep train her three year old who still won't sleep in her own bed or through the night and hubby's back hurts too much for a decent night's sleep.

I just wish we were rich so I could hire help and not shoulder the whole burden on my own. A gardener, a nanny, a chef, a chauffeur, maybe a one off hire to organise our things in to tidiness that I could then maintain. Having money to own our own home and not have to move every year or so. Maybe afford to live close to school so I'm not driving so far. Hobbies and downtime are a luxury these days.
I just feel sad and hopeless and like the Greek mythology guy Sisyphus, who was condemned to forever push a rock up a hill only to have it roll down the other side and have to push it back up. The only thing I can control is my weight and even then, only a bit. Today I am 75.8 kg. Only 0.8 until my first huzzah at losing five kilos. I still can remove my claddagh ring but my largest corset is easier to get on again. I wish I could feel as easily happy as I do after two cups of wine. Not that it always helps. Tonight I just feel like cutting. But I can't let it show tonight, hubby's struggling enough without letting him pile on his own guilt and self-hatred.
 
#17 ·
It doesn't feel good today

76.6 kg today. I'm already feeling hungry and gross. It's 17°C this morning and I'm freezing even with my coat on, it's weird. I have to get groceries today and then get home to mind the babies so my roommate can pack more of her stuff. I don't think I'm in a good headspace today and I'm exhausted because my youngest kept spiking a fever all weekend and sleeping badly. I'm still nearly a kilo heavier than I was on Saturday and feel gross because of it. I was hoping to reach 60 before Christmas but at this rate I'll be lucky to reach 70 kilos.
 
#18 ·
Got back from the shops. Started to feel woozy while there and was leaning on stuff like I usually do, feeling pretty off (but I always kind of like it). Cashier lady there actually offered me a seat like three times. Most of the time people don't even notice. Actually gave me enough energy to perk up a little. Super weird since it's not like I'm thin or anything.
 
#19 ·
Where did I go wrong?

I'm only 76.5 kg today! I don't know where I went wrong but I feel like a waste of space. I was feeling so proud last night because I managed to limit to only 500 calories when normally I do 600-900. Then I wake up and I might as well have not lost anything! I don't even know where I went wrong because my last backslide was on Saturday when I ate pasta and it's Tuesday morning. There's no way I'd still be paying for that! I just want to cry
 
#20 ·
Where did I go wrong?

I'm only 76.5 kg today! I don't know where I went wrong but I feel like a waste of space. I was feeling so proud last night because I managed to limit to only 500 calories when normally I do 600-900. Then I wake up and I might as well have not lost anything! I don't even know where I went wrong because my last backslide was on Saturday when I ate pasta and it's Tuesday morning. There's no way I'd still be paying for that! I just want to cry
 
#21 ·
Doing good today!

75.2 kg today! Whoo hoo! Celebrated by having a doner kebab and have felt overfull all day. Felt pretty and confident enough to even try on a couple of tops at the shops without crying. Too fat too look good in most of them but I didn't cry so I'm counting it as a win. I even put on my magnetic lashes today and have felt pretty from that.

I am worrying about how many calories I've already consumed today. I'm wondering if weighing myself before bedtime might help me because I'll know how much food weight I'm carrying that will almost definitely affect tomorrow's weight. But not sure if that's a slippery slope back to when I used to weigh myself before and after I used the loo every day.

It's funny, sometimes I feel like an imposter here because I've never been diagnosed or hospitalised or anything and sometimes I can go months without more than minor guilt at what I eat even if I gain weight. But I'll hit a point and can't handle getting any bigger and then it's back to restricting and obsessing about CICO and everything. Maybe I'm just undiagnosed like my ASD. I dunno. Maybe I'll get to my goal dress size and be able to maintain. I guess I'll have to wait and see
 
#22 ·
Feeling good but concerns

75.7 kilos today. Up from yesterday but not too bad considering how much I ate yesterday. The thing that concerns me is that I can't have eaten more than 1200-1500 so I shouldn't have gained should I? My long term goal is to get to my goal size and then maintain. But if I'm going to gain while eating less than 1500 that's going to be hard right? How long does food weight take to go away properly?
 
#23 ·
Will I ever be able to eat normally?

So, two days ago I caved and had a kebab. Then, I finished the day having eaten around 1200 calories. Next morning I'm half a kilo heavier at my base weight (first thing in the morning after using the toilet before eating or drinking anything) of 75.7 kg. Not great but I figured it's just food weight. So I thought I'd try to experiment and eat the same today. A doner kebab, Greek salad, and a tiger roll. I actually ate slightly less at 1061 calories. This morning I'm up another half kilo at 76.2 kg (yes, I had a bm).

I am so screwed if eating 1000 calories is going to make me consistently gain half a kilo each day! Part of me is still hoping it's partly food weight cos I still feel a little full but I'm too scared to keep testing at the 1000 calorie limit instead of the 500-800 I'd been managing. To make it worse, it's Friday and I'm normally supposed to up my calories on weekends but I'm too scared to this time! So anxious I've basically posted this entry to the forums for help.
 
#24 ·
Doing ok, high calorie day though

75.2 kg today. Looks like I didn't have to worry so much about those kebabs and it was just water retention after all. Thanks to a few helpful commenters, I was able to calm down. I had another 1000 calorie day yesterday and still came down. It was scary a bit to make myself eat so much while it seemed I was gaining but I'm glad I did it because it means I won't panic so much next time … I hope.

Going to try bamboo noodles today. If they're good, I might be able to help hubby and roommate cut back on their calories. Though frankly, it has little to do with what I feed them and far more to do with what they feed themselves during the day and snacking. Not my problem, I can't make them make healthier decisions.

Been watching a bunch of ED movies and they all follow the same thread. Girl confides in a friend but seems to be bragging, insists she has it under control, takes it too far, faints, parents find out, girl seeks treatment and everything is hopeful for the future. In Little Miss Perfect there was that whole competitive starvation thing. I know it's a thing but I don't really "get" it any more than I "get" people who can't resist falling in to bed with someone they've just spent the last hour explaining why they shouldn't. At least with the latter, I know I don't get it because I'm grey-ace and have to work hard to get in the mood. But I've also never been more than normal "it's nice to win" competitive. The movie did make me mad though *spoiler alert* when the friend admitted to pushing Belle further because she was tired of playing second fiddle and then Belle didn't tell anyone. I mean, I get that fourteen year olds do stupid crap but this girl nearly killed Belle and what does she get for it? She gets to be class president like she wanted and all that other stuff. Belle is now out of her way. Bitch should have been outed for attempted murder.

Anyway, I don't think anyone really reads these posts but it at least let's me get things out. I'm fairly happy today considering I slept so badly, probably because I'm back on track with my weight after this week's scare. I'm also feeling a little proud because I tried a new food yesterday. It was a rice paper roll with garlic prawns. I had to ask them to make a new one because everything had coriander (yuck!) but it was tasty and only 130 calories. It was a bit squishy in my hand and sticky/gluggy but it was good to eat even so and my teeth didn't hurt from the raw carrot in it. I love food places that display the calories. It's far less nerve wracking. So now I have a food I can buy when I'm too stressed to eat but also too hungry.
 
#25 ·
Still making progress!

74.9 kg today!! I'm officially below 75kg!! Still got another high calorie day to survive but I might even manage to get below 70 by Christmas at this rate!

My friend wanted to visit today. I honestly hate having people come over and get a serious case of the "don't wanna"s whenever someone suggests a visit. And yet I generally have a good time when they are here. I rarely even feel too burnt out after a visit either (unless there's too many visits in one weekend) so I don't know why I get so anxious about visitors. I'm glad she's so understanding though. Not everyone is ok with a friend who pretty much never reaches out to contact you. Still so tired, here's hoping the toddler sleeps better tonight!!
 
#26 ·
No one has noticed

75.5 kg today but I know a bit if that is from food weight or water retention. Still, I'm basically down by five kilos and no one has commented that I look thinner. I could have sworn that last time I had lost five kilos, people were starting to comment. Maybe I'm seeing fewer people still since lockdown ended or something. I'm starting to feel more isolated. I know I'm still fat but I thought have someone noticing. I tried taking a progress photo but I still look like a fat cow. It's not helped by how hungry I am today, after five days in a row eating 1000+ calories, I'm ravenous and can't stop thinking about food.
Not been sleeping well either. I'm supposedly better rested because I'm remembering my dreams again but I wake up from a dream filled night feeling even more tired. I don't know, just feeling rather hopeless right now
 
#27 ·
I hate tuesdays

74.8 kg today, not bad but I'm still ravenous! Tuesdays are the worst day of the week in my house. I have two bored toddlers to occupy and I have to keep them not only happy and out of trouble but also quiet because my roommate works from home and the only place to set up her work stuff is in the lounge room. It's exhausting and stressful as hell. Hubby is home most Tuesdays but he usually has appointments and stuff about his back and even when he doesn't, there's only so much he can do without making his back worse. Lockdown is over and things are getting easier but I'm still very wary of taking the kids anywhere so they're often going stir crazy and the wet weather hasn't helped. I'm constantly running through my head all the things I need to do before the move and part of me is so terrified it's going to fall through last minute.
We had planned on taking the kids to see the new house and plan what was going in which room yesterday, but the owner still has the keys "to fix a few things" which is fine except I wasn't able to check things like the clothesline when we did the inspection. Plus I'm afraid if my roommate getting pissy again. The house we're leaving, hubby and I decided to go for and she seems to have felt like we pushed her in to so she'd constantly complain about things she didn't like about the house. We're basically stuck with this new house now (cos we can't afford to lose the holding deposit if we change our minds) and I'm afraid she'll bitch about the new house because she hasn't seen it. I get that she doesn't like to relinquish control but I don't want to hear about it for months again. Whenever we move I usually have an opinion but leave it up to them, but sometimes that's too hard because of everyone's different schedules and the fact that she doesn't have a driver's licence. She also tends to hold a grudge against people, life, circumstances. I try to be more pragmatic. If I can't fix it or change it I try not to focus on it or complain about it because it doesn't make anything better. But that's hard when she won't stop complaining. Don't get me wrong, she's great and I call her my platonic soul mate but she learned a lot of toxic behaviours from her toxic mother and I don't cope well with being around that stuff. I also worry how much she's teaching her daughter but it's hard to know what's learned and what's just their personalities. Either way, I often feel the need to go and hide when they're screaming at each other and I worry what it will be like when he daughter gets older and eventually becomes a teenager.
 
#28 ·
I'm so f***ing tired of it!

I'm so fucking over holding the whole damn house together! I have a husband in constant pain who can't do much and tries to do more than he should. I have a roommate who, frankly wasn't cut out for full time motherhood but had a kid anyway because she had an accidental pregnancy turned ectopic that completely overturned her original stance of "I'm not sure I want kids because I don't know I can handle it all the time". Her daughter is the most challenging of all four kids and I can't tell what is personality and what has come from her caving because she doesn't have the strength to fight and be consistent and she wouldn't sleep train and now has a three year old in her bed every night who still doesn't sleep through so she's even more exhausted and "doesn't have the spoons". Not to mention having to teach her to unlearn all the toxic behaviour she learned from her mother.
I just spent the last two hours juggling a toddler who's randomly started up chucking and we don't know if he's contagious but I do know he won't be going to childcare tomorrow. But he will be going for the drive because I have to take my older two to school, my roommate's daughter to childcare, and my roommate to childcare for a meeting, which I've been trying all week to reassure her about. So she's exhausted, as usual, and stressed about the move and this meeting and she gets extra yelly and snappy when she's stressed and more reactive. Her daughter has been a bit more challenging than normal today and so there's been yelling and screaming from them both while I'm trying to keep an eye on my sick child and make all the sandwiches for the kids tomorrow. One of my kids always asking for a toy that's been collected up to be packed and she chose to tell him just before bedtime he can't have it (that bits ok) because of the pieces get lost before the move we will be throwing it out. My older two fret a lot about losing toys each move and get upset at the idea of things getting thrown out so I tried to say how threatening to throw out toys right before bedtime isn't a good idea and she decides to shoot back that she's not threatening, she'll actually do it. So I yelled because that kind of thing is the last thing we need. And of course, once I stop managing to hold it together, everyone else stops holding it together too (if they even were in the first place). I'm not locked in my room with my sick toddler because I can't take it anymore and want to slit my wrists, hubby and roommate are yelling at the other three and each other because they both get passive aggressive when they're pissed off and it's devolved enough that hubby has gone for a drive to cool down which stresses me out even more.

I'm fucking done and wish my roommate had never had a kid. I knew she'd find it this hard and she didn't listen to me. I have trouble bonding with her daughter because of how challenging she is and how much more work and stress she is and how exhausted I'm am trying to pick up the slack around the house. Slack that keeps coming when roommate went back to work with a toddler who wasn't fully weaned or slept through the night, let alone in her own bed and with a husband who has gotten two permanent injuries from work and is now looking at getting a spinal fusion and he's stressed as hell about that on top of the pain he's in. My ED has relapsed and I'm still overweight but I've lost five kilos in less than a month and no one has even noticed because they're too busy with their own shit. I'm lucky if I manage to wash my hair once a week, my "me" time consists of a minute here, ten minutes there between interruptions and when I do the shopping on the days the toddlers are at childcare. I'm burnt out and stressed out and can never truly show it because if I fall apart everything falls apart. The most recent time I had any suicidal ideation (usually a relatively harmless indulgence that I know I won't ever act on further than cutting a little) but this time I burst in to tears and felt worse because I knew I'd make everything worse if I followed through. So now I no longer even have that little release. I'm literally writing this to fight the urge to cut my arms to ribbons. I regularly wish I could break a leg or something else visible to incapacitate me so people would want to help me and not leave me doing everything. I barely clean the house anymore because I have to put on all the washing, cook and plan meals, do the shopping, drive the kids and my roommate everywhere, supervise and entertain the kids, mow the lawns and try to get the overgrown garden beds under control. Hubby works, does the washing up and helps with the kid's as much as he can. Roommate also works, hangs out the washing half the time and/or brings it in, and supervises the kids especially her daughter when she's not working. I get she's burnt out, but we all are.

I truly wish we had tons of money. I could buy a house near school and the older two could walk there with friends. I could put the toddlers in a closer childcare (which I can't do when we move every year or so) or hire a nanny. I could hire a housekeeper to tidy and cook and help plan meals so I'd have time to rest, exercise, and do my hobbies. I could hire a landscaper to rework my yard to my liking and then I'd probably maintain it myself or maybe hire someone to tend the lawn. But that will never happen. We use up all our savings every time we move and don't even have enough to buy a car let alone get a home loan. So I struggle along and try not to break because when I go, so does everyone else. So I'm waiting for my sick toddler to fall asleep to I can cut a fake graze and maybe a couple of fake scratches because heaven forbid anyone see how much I'm struggling to survive.
 
#29 ·
I'm so f***ing tired of it!

I'm so fucking over holding the whole damn house together! I have a husband in constant pain who can't do much and tries to do more than he should. I have a roommate who, frankly wasn't cut out for full time motherhood but had a kid anyway because she had an accidental pregnancy turned ectopic that completely overturned her original stance of "I'm not sure I want kids because I don't know I can handle it all the time". Her daughter is the most challenging of all four kids and I can't tell what is personality and what has come from her caving because she doesn't have the strength to fight and be consistent and she wouldn't sleep train and now has a three year old in her bed every night who still doesn't sleep through so she's even more exhausted and "doesn't have the spoons". Not to mention having to teach her to unlearn all the toxic behaviour she learned from her mother.
I just spent the last two hours juggling a toddler who's randomly started up chucking and we don't know if he's contagious but I do know he won't be going to childcare tomorrow. But he will be going for the drive because I have to take my older two to school, my roommate's daughter to childcare, and my roommate to childcare for a meeting, which I've been trying all week to reassure her about. So she's exhausted, as usual, and stressed about the move and this meeting and she gets extra yelly and snappy when she's stressed and more reactive. Her daughter has been a bit more challenging than normal today and so there's been yelling and screaming from them both while I'm trying to keep an eye on my sick child and make all the sandwiches for the kids tomorrow. One of my kids always asking for a toy that's been collected up to be packed and she chose to tell him just before bedtime he can't have it (that bits ok) because of the pieces get lost before the move we will be throwing it out. My older two fret a lot about losing toys each move and get upset at the idea of things getting thrown out so I tried to say how threatening to throw out toys right before bedtime isn't a good idea and she decides to shoot back that she's not threatening, she'll actually do it. So I yelled because that kind of thing is the last thing we need. And of course, once I stop managing to hold it together, everyone else stops holding it together too (if they even were in the first place). I'm not locked in my room with my sick toddler because I can't take it anymore and want to slit my wrists, hubby and roommate are yelling at the other three and each other because they both get passive aggressive when they're pissed off and it's devolved enough that hubby has gone for a drive to cool down which stresses me out even more.



I'm fucking done and wish my roommate had never had a kid. I knew she'd find it this hard and she didn't listen to me. I have trouble bonding with her daughter because of how challenging she is and how much more work and stress she is and how exhausted I'm am trying to pick up the slack around the house. Slack that keeps coming when roommate went back to work with a toddler who wasn't fully weaned or slept through the night, let alone in her own bed and with a husband who has gotten two permanent injuries from work and is now looking at getting a spinal fusion and he's stressed as hell about that on top of the pain he's in. My ED has relapsed and I'm still overweight but I've lost five kilos in less than a month and no one has even noticed because they're too busy with their own shit. I'm lucky if I manage to wash my hair once a week, my "me" time consists of a minute here, ten minutes there between interruptions and when I do the shopping on the days the toddlers are at childcare. I'm burnt out and stressed out and can never truly show it because if I fall apart everything falls apart. The most recent time I had any suicidal ideation (usually a relatively harmless indulgence that I know I won't ever act on further than cutting a little) but this time I burst in to tears and felt worse because I knew I'd make everything worse if I followed through. So now I no longer even have that little release. I'm literally writing this to fight the urge to cut my arms to ribbons. I regularly wish I could break a leg or something else visible to incapacitate me so people would want to help me and not leave me doing everything. I barely clean the house anymore because I have to put on all the washing, cook and plan meals, do the shopping, drive the kids and my roommate everywhere, supervise and entertain the kids, mow the lawns and try to get the overgrown garden beds under control. Hubby works, does the washing up and helps with the kid's as much as he can. Roommate also works, hangs out the washing half the time and/or brings it in, and supervises the kids especially her daughter when she's not working. I get she's burnt out, but we all are.



I truly wish we had tons of money. I could buy a house near school and the older two could walk there with friends. I could put the toddlers in a closer childcare (which I can't do when we move every year or so) or hire a nanny. I could hire a housekeeper to tidy and cook and help plan meals so I'd have time to rest, exercise, and do my hobbies. I could hire a landscaper to rework my yard to my liking and then I'd probably maintain it myself or maybe hire someone to tend the lawn. But that will never happen. We use up all our savings every time we move and don't even have enough to buy a car let alone get a home loan. So I struggle along and try not to break because when I go, so does everyone else. So I'm waiting for my sick toddler to fall asleep to I can cut a fake graze and maybe a couple of fake scratches because heaven forbid anyone see how much I'm struggling to survive.
Hi please try not to cut! Here if you need to talk. Your situation sounds incredibly difficult and I appreciate you sharing your circumstances. I am truly sending you love.
 
#30 ·
Fasting for luck

Been up all night with a toddler with gastro. Decided I'm not going to eat until he can keep food down. Sticking with just water and Pepsi until he's better.

74.2 kg today, despite being so hungry yesterday. At this rate, I might even get past 70 kg by Christmas but I won't count on it. Then I'll just get upset if I fail.

I just want this move to be over so I can plan for Christmas. I still don't even know if we'll be having people visit, visiting family, or having a quiet one at home. Honestly, I don't want to go visiting so soon after a move but it was nice to relax a little more on Christmas, though I felt awkward not helping more because I'm so used to hosting. Also can't wait to hang Christmas lights. Haven't done that outside for three houses now and Christmas lights make me so happy, even more so since having kids. It's like magic and wonder, even if we do have to wait right until bedtime to see the lights. Not sure anyone in the area even hangs lights but I've never been excessive so I doubt it will be a problem. Just a little sad there aren't more nearby to show the kids
 
#31 ·
Only four kilos to go!

74 kg today! Only four kilos left until I can enjoy Christmas. I think I might make it in time!

Toddler is doing much better today. He ate afternoon tea and dinner with no problems and hasn't been sick for over 24 hours so he can go back to daycare today.

Nothing much more to add this morning. I might add a little later tonight if I need to.
 
#32 ·
Only four kilos to go!

74 kg today! Only four kilos left until I can enjoy Christmas. I think I might make it in time!



Toddler is doing much better today. He ate afternoon tea and dinner with no problems and hasn't been sick for over 24 hours so he can go back to daycare today.



Nothing much more to add this morning. I might add a little later tonight if I need to.
Had a kebab again as a treat. I know they're so bad but they taste so good and they're fewer calories than I thought cos I have all that salad on the them. But I don't know if I'm more aware now of the effect salt can have on me or if it's the heat/humidity by my fingers feel fat. I was down maybe half a ring size and now they're a normal fit again.

I dunno. A screaming headache doesn't help either.
 
#33 ·
Effing BS day!

Saddle up, mofos. Might not be as dramatic as some peoples lives but it sucked ogre balls for me today.

Day started with a weigh in of 75.2, over a kilo of food/water retention weight from the kebab I had the audacity to eat yesterday, compounded by the food I binged before bedtime.

Dropped the kids and arrived to do the weekly shop only to realise its Black Friday. Not as big a deal in my country but, thanks to the internet, an ever increasing thing. Here it just means a bit busier like Christmas shopping levels as opposed to usual grocery Friday shopping. A bit frustrating but workable. I was already in all black so I opted for heavier makeup to look more scary/gothic in the hopes I could "death walk"* my way through the crowds whilst actually feeling like a terrified mouse.

Honestly, didn't help a lot. Things got worse after I got two texts that morning about having gone over my data for the month. A big of backstory, the day before, two days before my billable month ended, I got a text informing me I'd gone over my monthly data limit of 20 gig. I frequently make it through the whole month without even hitting fifty percent but this month and previous, I hit the fifty percent and this month, I hit 100 %. No huge deal; occasionally happens and my provider gives you an extra gig for $10 (with a cap of ten extra gig and $10 a pop but I've never gone over by more than one gig, even when we were in holiday for a week and a half with no wifi). So yesterday I went over my limit and was charged $10. Annoying but bearable. Then, this morning, I got two more texts. An extra thirty gig in twelve hours? (Plus, an extra $30 dollars this month?!?!) WTF?!?! I went down to my provider store. They have a forty minute wait. My shopping centre have free parking for only three hours, then you start to pay. A little at first but it adds up very quickly and I've already been there nearly an hour. I wait for my appointment text, go immediately to the store, and then wait another twenty minutes. I've already had one stress meltdown (crying, snot, anxiety out the wazoo making me wish everyone around me was not there or dead). I check in and try not to worry about the data I use to occupy my stressed af brain while I sit and Swif for twenty minutes. I now have half an hour to finish up with them and get the weekly groceries done. By the time I'm called, I'm rocking, hissing, digging my nails in to my hand, and trying desperately not to cry.

I do my best to explain my query. Is there some mistake? How can I have used 3gig of data in one day when I rarely use 10 in a whole month? They remind me how slow the text warning can be, but that still brings the amount to unbelievable amounts for my usual, unchanged usage. I finally figure out my middle child had figured out his to connect to my hotspot without needing a code (impossible! The woman says, but I've done some digging and highly probable actually). But clearly it'a "my" fault for not supervising my child's usage more closely. (Excuse me for failing to realise a five year old could access my hotspot from the backseat of the car without my first granting permission from my phone!!). I can understand this but I fully meltdown at this point, crying, gasping, tears, snot, everything, as I realise I'm on the hook for an extra thirty dollars this month I hadn't budgeted for.

At this point, I *need* to make it clear, I did not blame the provider people for this mistake. I might have asked what the hell was I supposed to do because I found it hard to believe anyone could use 3 gig of data in only a single day. The bitch, sorry, I mean woman I was dealing with must have misconstrued my disbelief with accusations of wrongdoing. In between fairly basic instructions to her underlying to fetch me water and offers to allow me to call when my next bill comes in for a (very emphasised) one off forgiveness on the bill because I've never done this before (this caused me to meltdown further because I have phone anxiety and don't make phone calls if I can at all avoid it), but I "have to take responsibility". She repeated this many times, basically scolding me, as I struggled to regain control over the tearful, gasping snot monster I'd become, for not knowing my five year old would find a workaround to gain access to what I thought was a password protected hotspot.

When I finally left, still gasping for air and finding my (legally required in our area) face mask even more triggering to my current state of panic, I headed towards my next required stop before I could go home and collapse in a pile of worthless jelly. Walking through the crowds I was alternating with muttered hate speech for people existing and not distancing appropriately and spewing bile about my worthlessness, until I reached the grocery store, found a place to sit and finish my meltdown enough that I could get the shopping done and get out. (Not helped by the fact that I now had only fifteen minutes to get out before incurring cost)

While there, a very kind lady came up to me with some of those blue orchids and said how she could see I was having a rough days and hoped these would help brighten my day. It was very sweet and kind and even in my state I could see the goodness me hind it, so I fought down the part of me wishing she'd leave me the eff alone and thanked her for her graciousness.

I eventually pulled myself together, got the bare minimum I needed, barely scraped through the register without more tears, got the car loaded and home with only a few small meltdowns ("aftershocks" if you will) and got home with twenty whole minutes before I had to up and start the whole "collecting the kids" process.

I scraped through all that, made it home and got a very basic dinner on. Pulled a doona out of the washing machine that had been struggling to get finished because it was borderline to heavy for the machine and had missed the spin cycle because the machine couldn't take the wet weight. That little fact is important. I set the machine for a drum clean because a) the doona had been mouldy and we wanted to kill any remaining mould and, b) to re-balance the machine. Two hours later, as it finishes near the kids' bedtime, we discover the laundry floor is covered in water. We fear the washing machine has flooded, mop up the mess, and see what we can do.

Long story short, we now think it was the very wet doona dripping all it's retained water. But it was still enough the eff up bedtime massively.

The kids are finally down, I'm probably nearly a litre deep in wine and feeling like it's still not enough. Today has been hell. Wish me luck for tomorrow, I'm fighting the urge to cut any more today than I already have.
 
#34 ·
Effing BS day!

Saddle up, mofos. Might not be as dramatic as some peoples lives but it sucked ogre balls for me today.



Day started with a weigh in of 75.2, over a kilo of food/water retention weight from the kebab I had the audacity to eat yesterday, compounded by the food I binged before bedtime.



Dropped the kids and arrived to do the weekly shop only to realise its Black Friday. Not as big a deal in my country but, thanks to the internet, an ever increasing thing. Here it just means a bit busier like Christmas shopping levels as opposed to usual grocery Friday shopping. A bit frustrating but workable. I was already in all black so I opted for heavier makeup to look more scary/gothic in the hopes I could "death walk"* my way through the crowds whilst actually feeling like a terrified mouse.



Honestly, didn't help a lot. Things got worse after I got two texts that morning about having gone over my data for the month. A big of backstory, the day before, two days before my billable month ended, I got a text informing me I'd gone over my monthly data limit of 20 gig. I frequently make it through the whole month without even hitting fifty percent but this month and previous, I hit the fifty percent and this month, I hit 100 %. No huge deal; occasionally happens and my provider gives you an extra gig for $10 (with a cap of ten extra gig and $10 a pop but I've never gone over by more than one gig, even when we were in holiday for a week and a half with no wifi). So yesterday I went over my limit and was charged $10. Annoying but bearable. Then, this morning, I got two more texts. An extra thirty gig in twelve hours? (Plus, an extra $30 dollars this month?!?!) WTF?!?! I went down to my provider store. They have a forty minute wait. My shopping centre have free parking for only three hours, then you start to pay. A little at first but it adds up very quickly and I've already been there nearly an hour. I wait for my appointment text, go immediately to the store, and then wait another twenty minutes. I've already had one stress meltdown (crying, snot, anxiety out the wazoo making me wish everyone around me was not there or dead). I check in and try not to worry about the data I use to occupy my stressed af brain while I sit and Swif for twenty minutes. I now have half an hour to finish up with them and get the weekly groceries done. By the time I'm called, I'm rocking, hissing, digging my nails in to my hand, and trying desperately not to cry.



I do my best to explain my query. Is there some mistake? How can I have used 3gig of data in one day when I rarely use 10 in a whole month? They remind me how slow the text warning can be, but that still brings the amount to unbelievable amounts for my usual, unchanged usage. I finally figure out my middle child had figured out his to connect to my hotspot without needing a code (impossible! The woman says, but I've done some digging and highly probable actually). But clearly it'a "my" fault for not supervising my child's usage more closely. (Excuse me for failing to realise a five year old could access my hotspot from the backseat of the car without my first granting permission from my phone!!). I can understand this but I fully meltdown at this point, crying, gasping, tears, snot, everything, as I realise I'm on the hook for an extra thirty dollars this month I hadn't budgeted for.



At this point, I *need* to make it clear, I did not blame the provider people for this mistake. I might have asked what the hell was I supposed to do because I found it hard to believe anyone could use 3 gig of data in only a single day. The bitch, sorry, I mean woman I was dealing with must have misconstrued my disbelief with accusations of wrongdoing. In between fairly basic instructions to her underlying to fetch me water and offers to allow me to call when my next bill comes in for a (very emphasised) one off forgiveness on the bill because I've never done this before (this caused me to meltdown further because I have phone anxiety and don't make phone calls if I can at all avoid it), but I "have to take responsibility". She repeated this many times, basically scolding me, as I struggled to regain control over the tearful, gasping snot monster I'd become, for not knowing my five year old would find a workaround to gain access to what I thought was a password protected hotspot.



When I finally left, still gasping for air and finding my (legally required in our area) face mask even more triggering to my current state of panic, I headed towards my next required stop before I could go home and collapse in a pile of worthless jelly. Walking through the crowds I was alternating with muttered hate speech for people existing and not distancing appropriately and spewing bile about my worthlessness, until I reached the grocery store, found a place to sit and finish my meltdown enough that I could get the shopping done and get out. (Not helped by the fact that I now had only fifteen minutes to get out before incurring cost)



While there, a very kind lady came up to me with some of those blue orchids and said how she could see I was having a rough days and hoped these would help brighten my day. It was very sweet and kind and even in my state I could see the goodness me hind it, so I fought down the part of me wishing she'd leave me the eff alone and thanked her for her graciousness.



I eventually pulled myself together, got the bare minimum I needed, barely scraped through the register without more tears, got the car loaded and home with only a few small meltdowns ("aftershocks" if you will) and got home with twenty whole minutes before I had to up and start the whole "collecting the kids" process.



I scraped through all that, made it home and got a very basic dinner on. Pulled a doona out of the washing machine that had been struggling to get finished because it was borderline to heavy for the machine and had missed the spin cycle because the machine couldn't take the wet weight. That little fact is important. I set the machine for a drum clean because a) the doona had been mouldy and we wanted to kill any remaining mould and, b) to re-balance the machine. Two hours later, as it finishes near the kids' bedtime, we discover the laundry floor is covered in water. We fear the washing machine has flooded, mop up the mess, and see what we can do.



Long story short, we now think it was the very wet doona dripping all it's retained water. But it was still enough the eff up bedtime massively.



The kids are finally down, I'm probably nearly a litre deep in wine and feeling like it's still not enough. Today has been hell. Wish me luck for tomorrow, I'm fighting the urge to cut any more today than I already have.
*Link for the story behind the "death walk" inspiration. Honestly, it's never worked for me, but maybe one day I'll walk like I've been sent to kill Captain America and the crowds will part for me

https://www.google.com.au/amp/s/amp.reddit.com/r/thatHappened/comments/bn1q53/murder_walk/
 
Top