Excuse me
It's the holidays, so I can share the parenting load a little more than normal (or so you'd think!). So I'm feeling like I can get away with drinking a little more, so I'm drinking most nights, not enough to not be able to function but enough that I can't drive anywhere (like to go pick up our gf who's just spewed so hard at work that she had to come home early). Tonight, hubby goes to me, "You've been drinking a lot lately."
I respond with, "Yeah, it's Christmas time." Because I can't really respond with "My first period since my miscarriage has just finished and I have to listen to you and our gf (and various other people) talk about her baby. It's very hard to be excited about a baby that makes our complicated lives a million times more complicated and reminds me every second of how empty my uterus is! I feel like I'm mourning this loss alone because you still have a baby to look forward to. Meanwhile, my tenuous friendships all seemed to disappear in a flash when people started to realise/guess our relationship so I have no one to talk to about all this except my pregnant gf, my (also pregnant) sister in law, and one mutual friend who actually understands but has such severe anxiety that I don't like to put too much on to her.
For my part I have my parents who do their best by pretending to not know, my sister who's trying to be supportive, one friend who I suspect knows and has distanced herself plenty over the last couple years and moreso around about the time everyone was figuring things out, and one final friend who did everything but block me after voicing her opinion of the relationship and has only just reached out to me, weeks after I announced my miscarriage.
I spend most days struggling to stop myself slicing my arms open or at least carving them up like a Christmas ham and if that means I drink regularly to take the edge off, why the hell shouldn't I when I doesn't leave me hung over and I'm still the one getting up with the kids in the morning (and through the night if/when they wake up) because heaven forbid I get a sleep in for once!!!
I do all the cooking so I don't have to wash up but just once it'd be nice to have someone cook for me for once or to have someone else mind the kids without immediately yelling at them when they misbehave (especially if I'm trying to nap during the day, which I rarely do because I'm the only one who can get the older kid to sleep during the day). I don't hate my gf for being pregnant any more than I hate any other woman right now for getting to be pregnant but it means that every time she complains about how awful she feels or asks my advice on baby wearing wraps or discusses the merits/price of car seats, i want to either drink myself in to a stupor or slice my wrists open. I feel getting mildly drunk is a safer alternative but apparently that's not good enough because lately hubby is feeling emotionally drained for taking up the slack mood-wise because she and I have been so down lately. I'm sorry! I'm sorry that I'm not one hundred percent happy all the time while I suffer through this miscarriage ALONE!! That is so new I literally only just had my first period since it over the last four days!! All the while listening to baby talk from my gf and from my sister in law (and seeing posts online from two friends who are celebrating Christmas with their first babies who are only a few months old)!! All the while stressing that someone is going to say the wrong thing at family gatherings at Christmas and all the drama is going to come out!!
I'm sorry that hubby decided to warn me I might get congratulated for my pregnancy when I dropped off food for his work Christmas party because he keeps mentioning his pregnant gf instead of sticking to the agreed public story that our roommate got pregnant with the turkey baster method from his donation (so he can acknowledge the child no matter what). Instead his wife who recently miscarried had to fight off panic attacks and smile through the fear until she can make her escape because you're an arse!!
But yeah, I'm a dick for drinking a little more frequently than a person should!! Part of me wants to just not eat anything ever again until I waste away to a skeleton so people can finally see how I'm feeling inside, but I also find myself constantly grazing until I go over my calory limit way too early in the day. I'm not sleeping enough, I'm eating too much, I'm starting to make myself throw up because I'm finally almost back to my pre-children weight, and all I want is to sleep for a year and not hurt anymore and to not have to deal with judgement or lose friends because our relationship is different to theirs.
It's the holidays, so I can share the parenting load a little more than normal (or so you'd think!). So I'm feeling like I can get away with drinking a little more, so I'm drinking most nights, not enough to not be able to function but enough that I can't drive anywhere (like to go pick up our gf who's just spewed so hard at work that she had to come home early). Tonight, hubby goes to me, "You've been drinking a lot lately."
I respond with, "Yeah, it's Christmas time." Because I can't really respond with "My first period since my miscarriage has just finished and I have to listen to you and our gf (and various other people) talk about her baby. It's very hard to be excited about a baby that makes our complicated lives a million times more complicated and reminds me every second of how empty my uterus is! I feel like I'm mourning this loss alone because you still have a baby to look forward to. Meanwhile, my tenuous friendships all seemed to disappear in a flash when people started to realise/guess our relationship so I have no one to talk to about all this except my pregnant gf, my (also pregnant) sister in law, and one mutual friend who actually understands but has such severe anxiety that I don't like to put too much on to her.
For my part I have my parents who do their best by pretending to not know, my sister who's trying to be supportive, one friend who I suspect knows and has distanced herself plenty over the last couple years and moreso around about the time everyone was figuring things out, and one final friend who did everything but block me after voicing her opinion of the relationship and has only just reached out to me, weeks after I announced my miscarriage.
I spend most days struggling to stop myself slicing my arms open or at least carving them up like a Christmas ham and if that means I drink regularly to take the edge off, why the hell shouldn't I when I doesn't leave me hung over and I'm still the one getting up with the kids in the morning (and through the night if/when they wake up) because heaven forbid I get a sleep in for once!!!
I do all the cooking so I don't have to wash up but just once it'd be nice to have someone cook for me for once or to have someone else mind the kids without immediately yelling at them when they misbehave (especially if I'm trying to nap during the day, which I rarely do because I'm the only one who can get the older kid to sleep during the day). I don't hate my gf for being pregnant any more than I hate any other woman right now for getting to be pregnant but it means that every time she complains about how awful she feels or asks my advice on baby wearing wraps or discusses the merits/price of car seats, i want to either drink myself in to a stupor or slice my wrists open. I feel getting mildly drunk is a safer alternative but apparently that's not good enough because lately hubby is feeling emotionally drained for taking up the slack mood-wise because she and I have been so down lately. I'm sorry! I'm sorry that I'm not one hundred percent happy all the time while I suffer through this miscarriage ALONE!! That is so new I literally only just had my first period since it over the last four days!! All the while listening to baby talk from my gf and from my sister in law (and seeing posts online from two friends who are celebrating Christmas with their first babies who are only a few months old)!! All the while stressing that someone is going to say the wrong thing at family gatherings at Christmas and all the drama is going to come out!!
I'm sorry that hubby decided to warn me I might get congratulated for my pregnancy when I dropped off food for his work Christmas party because he keeps mentioning his pregnant gf instead of sticking to the agreed public story that our roommate got pregnant with the turkey baster method from his donation (so he can acknowledge the child no matter what). Instead his wife who recently miscarried had to fight off panic attacks and smile through the fear until she can make her escape because you're an arse!!
But yeah, I'm a dick for drinking a little more frequently than a person should!! Part of me wants to just not eat anything ever again until I waste away to a skeleton so people can finally see how I'm feeling inside, but I also find myself constantly grazing until I go over my calory limit way too early in the day. I'm not sleeping enough, I'm eating too much, I'm starting to make myself throw up because I'm finally almost back to my pre-children weight, and all I want is to sleep for a year and not hurt anymore and to not have to deal with judgement or lose friends because our relationship is different to theirs.