intake: 2500+
my cw on friday morning was 121, i just never said because i wasn’t supposed to weigh until february but i couldn’t help it. sure as hell not 121 anymore anyways.
i ate normally today, but really high cal food (obviously). i just had such a terrible day. i think my depression’s getting worse again. i don’t really have anything good in my life.
i want that comfort of being empty. if i really want it that bad, just do it? i’m running out of time and i’m so scared. this time next year i can’t be like this. i’ll have exams and be an adult and actually will have to have my shit together so if i’m going to do this i have to do it NOW. like i only have a few months. after that, no more starving, no more binging, no more cutting, no more anything, i literally have to be a functional human being but i know that i won’t let myself be done with this until i’m skinny. ‘skinny enough’- i know that’s not a real thing, but my head pretends like it is, and it’s all ‘once you reach this weight you can stop’ but i said that before and i didn’t, i was underweight before and i still felt fat, when does it end? it’s be FIVE YEARS. i have wasted my teenage years worrying about this and i’m so done, except i’m clearly not really, because if i was I’d actually stop. i just KNOW that i will not stop this until my bmi is AT LEAST 17 but i was there before and all i wanted was to be lower. i just wish i could get over this and i wish people cared, but they don’t. i have nobody. i miss having human connections, long conversations with friends but they don’t care anymore. i’m not good enough for anybody. my anxiety is so bad i literally cannot function, i have that pit in my stomach 24/7, i literally forget what it’s like not to. JUST STOP EATING. if i want it that badly then omfg just do it. it’s the only thing that makes me feel a little bit better