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well. i feel awful right now. ending up eating a lot more. i’m just praying i didn’t go over maintenance. i literally don’t even know why i did it?? like usually with binges and i know it wasn’t a binge but like usually when i end up eating more something triggers it but i just don’t even know anymore. i just really hope it will be easier when i go back to school. i’m trying to look on the bright side because honestly compared to how much i ate for most of 2022 the past 2 months i have been doing better, i’ve only had 2 binges in the last 2 months, compared to literally every other day for most of the year. i just feel the need to constantly reassure myself that i’m making some sort of progress but the reality is right now i feel full and i seriously cannot deal with it. every time i feel full it makes me wanna relapse with sh. i won’t, i know i won’t let myself. for now. but i know it’s inevitable. think my plan for tomorrow is to not eat all day to make up for today and then go out and drink. which ik is a terrible idea!!! but i feel so vile i honestly don’t think i can eat. and if i do then i’m actually pathetic. i’m scared of alcohol calories all of a sudden and i never used to be. drinking is literally the only thing that gets rid of my anxiety and lets me socialise like a normal person. i don’t drink often though don’t worry. but i definitely am like socially reliant on it. i probably should try to eat something small but i hate getting bloated before i go out and i already will be bloated from today. i’m so bloody anxious all the time i’m so sick of it. maybe i really should get help for it but i know that if i do i won’t be honest so what’s the point? i also find going out so hard because of my body, I just never feel confident. all my friends and skinny and athletic and confident and extroverted and I wish more then anything i was like them.
i think i’ve come to the conclusion though that i need to be stricter with myself because the problem is that i think if eat anymore than 500-600 i am prone eating too much. that’s why fasting is so appealing, but i just can never function when i fast. but i think i need to do a few days where i’m strict with myself, absolutely no excuses. so until sunday i’m eating no more that 600 calories and i’m really going to try like it’s not just an idea i’m doing it. it really really shouldn’t be hard because i literally have nothing to do this week. i’ll weigh myself sunday morning. i need to prove to myself that i can still restrict.
i think i’ve come to the conclusion though that i need to be stricter with myself because the problem is that i think if eat anymore than 500-600 i am prone eating too much. that’s why fasting is so appealing, but i just can never function when i fast. but i think i need to do a few days where i’m strict with myself, absolutely no excuses. so until sunday i’m eating no more that 600 calories and i’m really going to try like it’s not just an idea i’m doing it. it really really shouldn’t be hard because i literally have nothing to do this week. i’ll weigh myself sunday morning. i need to prove to myself that i can still restrict.