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Discussion starter · #21 ·
well. i feel awful right now. ending up eating a lot more. i’m just praying i didn’t go over maintenance. i literally don’t even know why i did it?? like usually with binges and i know it wasn’t a binge but like usually when i end up eating more something triggers it but i just don’t even know anymore. i just really hope it will be easier when i go back to school. i’m trying to look on the bright side because honestly compared to how much i ate for most of 2022 the past 2 months i have been doing better, i’ve only had 2 binges in the last 2 months, compared to literally every other day for most of the year. i just feel the need to constantly reassure myself that i’m making some sort of progress but the reality is right now i feel full and i seriously cannot deal with it. every time i feel full it makes me wanna relapse with sh. i won’t, i know i won’t let myself. for now. but i know it’s inevitable. think my plan for tomorrow is to not eat all day to make up for today and then go out and drink. which ik is a terrible idea!!! but i feel so vile i honestly don’t think i can eat. and if i do then i’m actually pathetic. i’m scared of alcohol calories all of a sudden and i never used to be. drinking is literally the only thing that gets rid of my anxiety and lets me socialise like a normal person. i don’t drink often though don’t worry. but i definitely am like socially reliant on it. i probably should try to eat something small but i hate getting bloated before i go out and i already will be bloated from today. i’m so bloody anxious all the time i’m so sick of it. maybe i really should get help for it but i know that if i do i won’t be honest so what’s the point? i also find going out so hard because of my body, I just never feel confident. all my friends and skinny and athletic and confident and extroverted and I wish more then anything i was like them.
i think i’ve come to the conclusion though that i need to be stricter with myself because the problem is that i think if eat anymore than 500-600 i am prone eating too much. that’s why fasting is so appealing, but i just can never function when i fast. but i think i need to do a few days where i’m strict with myself, absolutely no excuses. so until sunday i’m eating no more that 600 calories and i’m really going to try like it’s not just an idea i’m doing it. it really really shouldn’t be hard because i literally have nothing to do this week. i’ll weigh myself sunday morning. i need to prove to myself that i can still restrict.
 
Discussion starter · #22 ·
intake:??
cw:124
very drunk rn ngl. i’m so happy i still managed to restrict today. i can’t be bothered to figure out my calories rn but it was good enough i think. had a great night tonight. i wish i could be as confident sober as i am drunk. fun. every time i go out and i’m like “oh i’m having fun” it always makes me question my ed and makes me realise how it’s really not all about body image. when I go out and get drunk i feel fine and confident in my body. but i still can’t stop starving myself. god i wish i wasn’t like this.
still weighed myself today because i can’t help it. 124. even after yesterdays mess. so that’s good
 
Discussion starter · #23 ·
intake: 573
cw: 123
today went well!!! so happy i’m back at 123 and the scale flickered at 122 so hopefully i’ll be there tomorrow, then i’ll be in the bmi 21s. not much else to be said really. feel like i’ve gotten used to this again. 115 was my january goal but i’m not sure if that’ll happen. we’ll see. back to school tomorrow and i actually can’t but at least it it’s only two days.
 
Discussion starter · #24 ·
intake: 685
cw:123
feeling pretty tired. i’m not gonna weigh tomorrow and maybe not for a few days, i just think it frustrates me if i don’t see it go down everyday. then again i say this now but i might not be able to help myself in the morning and i’ll just weigh myself anyways, who knows. i’m really getting used to restriction again, it kind of just feels normal. i do feel so conflicted about everything though. like i’m so happy i’m restricting but at the same time i just have that constant pit in my stomach because i know what i’m doing is going to land me in a mess. it’s hard because i have to loose so much weight to get to my ugw (90). but it’s also like i want to be 90 pounds so badly, but at the same time i don’t. it’s like there’s two parts to my head. i would literally look awful at 90lbs. and then at the same time i’m so excited to be 90lbs. so many thoughts at once. and while i say all this, there’s another part of me that would be happy getting down to around 115-110 (bmi 19-20s) and maintain that for a while, maybe tone up and start exercising. it would be allowing myself to have a little happiness for once. i don’t really know about maintaining after restriction though. I’d probably eat around 1200 and just keep loosing slowly? i think i’d be so scared attempting maintenance, like gaining after loosing is just so terrifying. and then i’d probably feel so invalid if i stopped loosing when i’m not underweight. it’s so hard to figure this out. i could literally be 115 in less then a month. i guess i’ll just take this day by day, see how i feel.
 
Discussion starter · #25 ·
intake: 642
i feel massive right now even though i’ve restricted. i’ve always had this thing with wanting to eat less than 500cals. it literally barely makes a difference so i should stop being stupid and just be grateful that i’m restricting. think i have to weigh myself tomorrow i just need too. i really really hope it’s at 122. had an okay day. i generally don’t feel to fatigued, only in the mornings i do feel a bit weak. nothing that bad though. just want to keep this up. trying to stay around the 600 mark for another few days but i won’t stay here forever. i know i’m going out for meals next week so things will probably be a bit higher. 2023 is going to be a binge free year. 10 days binge free now. i kid you not from january-november last year i never made it more that a week. i was so convinced that I’d just never manage to stop and somehow something just clicked in november. anyways, that’s all for today. i feel like these posts must be really boring so thanks to anyone that’s reading them <3
 
Discussion starter · #26 ·
intake: 1900
cw: 122
today is a mixed bag for sure.
hit my new lw of this relapse, 122 which brings my bmi into the 21s and means that I’ve lost 5 pounds 127-122. and what do i do? eat 1900 calories!!! maybe more!!!! WHY. okay actually i do know why. ending up going out with friends. and all calories were eaten with fun with friends. so at least there’s that. i feel so full, it’s vile. just trying to relax. tomorrow i’m just gonna eat as little as possible, think i’ll just get a latte and then maybe something small before bed so i don’t wake up feeling like hell. less than 250cals for tomorrow, that’s the goal. i’m disappointed and i should have tried to hold back more today but at least it wasn’t a situation of me sitting at home doing nothing and eating. so i’m gonna weigh myself wednesday morning. i know wednesday and thursday cals are gonna be high too ughhhh. to try and compensate i’ll definitely stay under 250 tomorrow, and then under 500 on monday and tuesday. really bawled my eyes out before i went out to eat today and i rarely cry over food. i’m just stressed out now. i’m gonna wake up feeling fat tomorrow i actually can’t.
 
Discussion starter · #27 ·
okayyy so. i weighed myself this morning because i apparently can’t not and i was only up a quarter of a pound??? so i’m still 122. however i was just forced to eat and we have literally no low cal food in the house rn so i had to have cereal. i don’t really think less that 250cals is gonna happen. i’ll just do my best. just glad i’m still at 122.
 
Discussion starter · #28 ·
intake: 750
cw: 122
ugh. literally everything i ate today i was forced to eat. i think my mom is onto me again.
i feel so awful rn. it’s not even that much over my usual but after yesterday it’s not good. i just feel so bloated. tomorrow and tuesday i swear are under 500 cals.
wish i was just skinny already. i want to have a week of really rapid weight loss, like at least 3 pounds in a week. maybe next week. i have to study now really really don’t want to. I seriously need to start walking more because i’m scared my tdee isn’t actually 1800 because i don’t exercise enough. goal for this week is to go for a walk everyday, even if it’s short.
 
Discussion starter · #29 ·
intake: 750
WHYYY. i was all set to have a nice salad for dinner, and then my mom makes me have pizza. i’m so mad right now. i’m just so stressed out because i know i’m gonna have to eat a lot later in the week and i’m so scared of gaining. i just want have a nice full week of complete good days. and i know i’m being dramatic, 750 it’s not that bad, and i could be overestimating but i just feel bloated and i also just don’t want to prolong this entire process. i just want to loose the weight, get it off as quick as i can and then if i want to loose more, i can. but if i don’t i can just be at a weight i’m comfortable at. i’m so tempted to weigh myself rn which is so stupid i just ate pizza but i know i’ll be so comforted if i still see an acceptable number. anyway. i had a decent day today, i have to say now that i’m restricting i’m just so much less depressed. like i never want to feel that kind of hell again of going into school the day after a binge and just wanting to die. i just feel way more stable. anyway, that’s all for today.
 
Discussion starter · #30 ·
intake: 520
cw: 122
okay. tomorrow i better be 121. i think i will be, it was 122.25 today so i should be?? happy with my intake but god it’s so hard to do anything. i really really need to study but i have zero concentration because all i can think about is food. so tomorrow i’m going to be eating a lot. like really a lot, i’m eating out. i know that it’s what is gonna happen and there’s nothing i can do about it so i might as well try and enjoy it. best case scenario i eat at maintenance but i think chances are it’s gonna be higher. and honestly i’m not gonna be able to get back to usual
restriction probably until sunday, there’s just a lot happening. i’m going to do everything i can to eat as little as i can because i’m so scared of gaining, but i calculated my predicted average for the week and it’s around 900, so i should be alright. just expect higher cals for the next few days. and i’m probably not gonna weigh myself after tomorrow for a good while.
my januray goal was 115. i don’t know how achievable that is at this point. i mean, i think if after this week i eat less than 600 everyday it would
most likely happen. but 600 a day isn’t really sustainable and naturally some days i’ll have to eat more. justcico.com says if i average 800 everyday then i will scrap 115.9 by january 31st. so it technically is definitely possible, but i just don’t trust myself enough to say it’ll definitely happen. i don’t want to get too worried about deadlines though because all that matters at the end of the day is that i’m loosing. and i am happy with how things are going, i mean i’d like to speed up a bit and the next few days are gonna be hard but i’ll figure it out.
 
Discussion starter · #31 ·
intake: 2000
cw: 120
120!!!!! i honestly can’t believe it. i’ve lost 7 pounds. i definitely can see it a bit, but i’m still definitely not where i want to be. i’m at bmi 21.4. sounds a whole lot better than it was. i look a lot bigger than my bmi though because i have absolutely zero muscle, i’m all fat.
2000 calories for today and i’m weirdly proud of myself because i could have easily binged. i hope binging is officially behind me. i just tried to enjoy food today. hoping tomorrow will be max 800.
so to get to my january gw of 115 i have 20 days to loosen 5 and a bit pounds. it’s definitely doable. i’m so excited to be 115 omg. i feel like i’ll look more like all my friends which i’m happy with.
the question is do i keep loosing once i get there?. the answer: probably yes, just slower. it’s so hard to figure out my own head. it’s like i want to keep loosing but i’m also just scared of the mess it might end me up in. also i just don’t think i’m able to only have another 5 pounds of rapid weight loss if you get me? like for me my ed isn’t entirely body imaged based, i’m so addicted to controlling my food and seeing the number go down quickly. so i don’t know if i can stop so soon. but at the same time, I NEED to get my shit together. i need to have energy for studying. like i need to start getting my life together.
it’s just so hard.
 
Discussion starter · #32 ·
intake: 1100
so stressed about school. earlier i really wasn’t coping with feeling bloated after eating and just felt i like i ate loads today but i haven’t eaten in hours now so feel a bit better. back to regular restrictions as of now. plan is to stay around the 600 cal mark for the rest of the month and get this weight off fast. i’ll obviously have higher days here and there. i feel like 600 cal is kind of a sweet spot for me. i used to have like 300-400 cal for the week and then i’d binge on the weekends, whereas 600 lets you have a decent OMAD and some small snacks. and i don’t feel half dead on it so that’s nice. so from friday to friday, around 600 calories. i might or might not weigh myself before next friday, we’ll see. and then that brings us up to the 20th of january.
i know this sounds so weird to say, but i honestly feel better mentally than i have in over a year. this is the least depressed i’ve been in so long. life feels so more bearable and even fun at times. i just cope like this. i know i’m in that sort of ‘honeymoon phase’ as they say again. i’ll take it. no terrible effects of restrictions yet. wonder if i’ll get my period next month though, mine tends to go pretty easily. i’m still so shocked at how quickly i’ve fallen back in. like i wanted this back for so long but couldn’t and then it just sort of happened? i literally can’t believe i’ve lost 7 pounds. i know it’s not much but i still can’t believe it.
anyway all i’ve got for today.
 
Discussion starter · #33 ·
intake: 900
had a horrible day today. so fed up with everyone and everything. i know i was literally just saying that i’m doing better but i guess everyone has bad days. mad at the amount i’ve eaten too.i don’t know. i weighed myself today at like 4 o clock (i’d already eaten like 400 cals) and i was 121. so hopefully i’m really still 120. i just wish i was thin. i sound like a broken record.
 
Discussion starter · #34 ·
intake: 900
honestly not really sure about my intake today it could be anywhere from 700-1000, idk. i was restricting so well, 6pm and i’d only had 200 and then we ordered food and i had no choice. i feel so so awful about myself, i just feel like i haven’t restricted probably in like a week. everytime i eat a meal i have to sit with a hot water bottle on my stomach because i cannot stand bloating. i really really need to get back around 600 i literally can’t cope like this. i just want the weight gone so badly. i need to get more strict with planning everything i’m eating i just need to do better. i have to be 115 by the end of the month.
 
Discussion starter · #35 ·
i feel so horrible. like i can’t eat more than 300 calories at once without feeling absolutely vile. i just hate feeling so bloated. this didn’t used to be such a problem for me, like as long as i restricted i was happy, i didn’t care if i ate a lot of my calories at once and got bloated. but now i just can’t deal. sugar free drinks used to be a restriction staple for me but now i can’t stand them because of the fizziness bloating. i can’t stand drinking anything. i even have to force myself to drink water because i hate the bloating so much. it’s so, so irrational and stupid. i know i can’t possibly gain weight from 900 calories in a day, but i still feel like this. it’s been like 4 hours since i ate now and i still feel horribly bloated.
just want to wake up tomorrow morning and feel empty again.
 
Discussion starter · #36 ·
intake 2500+
cw: 122
i don’t even know what happened.
why. just why. maybe it’s because i’ve had a crap couple of days? i don’t know, i really don’t. i feel like dying. i really don’t wanna wake up. i’m this close to relapsing with sh. i have a serious talent for self sabotage. now maybe i’m just saying this to make myself feel better, but i don’t know if it was exactly a binge. i obviously ate a disgusting about of calories, i don’t know exactly how much. but like i know how to binge, i’ve been known to eat 4000 calories in the span of an hour and this definitely wasn’t that. it wasn’t uncontrollable eating where you just eat for hours non stop. it was like, i ate every hour, really high cal food. i feel disgusting because it was all chocolate biscuits sweets i mean you name it. i think the moment i admit to myself it was a binge i’ll break down so let’s comfort myself and pretend it wasn’t. i’m still sorta numb to it, the shame spiral hasn’t quite happened yet. i’m in so much pain though. major tmi but my bowels are seriously messed up from this. i mean, you know what happens when you eat loads after starving yourself. i can’t cope with school tomorrow. i can’t do this i just can’t do this anymore. i can’t do the binge restrict cycle i just can’t. this is all just hell. i have so much schoolwork to do because i ate all day instead of doing it. not to mention i stepped on the scale this morning and bam 122. kill me. so basically i’m just a massive joke of a person. it’s times this this where i’m just seriously like how tf did i let it get this bad. sometimes i’m still like omg i really have an eating disorder that literally dictates my entire life. god i just hate it. i can’t even imagine what it would be like to not be like this anymore. just so tired. i just wish food didn’t exist. i wish i didn’t need food to live. i just wish it wasn’t a thing.
obviously i want to just detox and eat nothing. i say i’ll do that every time. the thought of eating make rn makes me feel so sick. i’ll try eat as little as possible tomorrow.
this is so hard.
 
Discussion starter · #37 ·
intake:—
i’m taking a break from calories because they’re making me want to off myself. of course the idea is that i still restrict. did that happen today??? sorta? definitely a deficit. but not proper restriction. i relapsed with sh. it was always gonna happen. i’m really not okay but i guess i’ve just got to keep going. i’m happy i restricted because one day of overeating almost always turns into two for me. hopefully i’ll actually restrict tomorrow. i don’t know when i’ll weigh myself again. maybe the end of the month. just feel like a failure. so bloated rn. i’m so stressed about school as well. anyway hope tomorrows better.
 
Discussion starter · #38 ·
intake:—
my brain is a mental calorie calculator so it’s hard not to. but i haven’t added up todays cals and i’m happy about it. never thought i’d say that. this is not like me at all. for the past 2 years calories have literally been all i’ve thought of. sorry if it’s sorta annoying that i’ve stopped though it probably seems sorta vague. i restricted well today anyway. to give an idea i’ll just say i typically do omad with a few small snacks so that gives you an idea. it does feel weirdly freeing, not counting? i don’t know, like this morning i made a cup of tea with milk and half a teaspoon of sugar. i always worry about that normally, but today i was like well i’m not counting calories so who cares? like i think it’s helping me rationalise, because it’s true, it’s not the small cup of tea that’s gonna make me gain weight, it’s the 3000 calorie binges. obviously it’s easier said than done, i think it’s easier to do this because i came out of a day of overeating, if i had been meticulously counting cals for an long period of time i’m be way too freaked out to stop. today was marginally better than the past few days, feel a bit less depressed.
anyway, i’ll be weighing myself on february 1st. we’ll see.
 
Discussion starter · #39 ·
intake:—
another successful day thankfully. obviously i’m not counting but for some context i feel like i’m eating on like the higher end of mid res. i still don’t really feel like i’ve gotten over my overeating on sunday, i just feel bigger. i wonder what i weigh. hopefully max 123? i definitely will not meet my january goal of 115 though. i’m just trying to reassure myself and not get too freaked out. overall, so far in january i think i’ve only had maybe 3 days out of my deficit. which is the best i’ve done in over a year. it’ll be okay. i might start counting my cals at the end of the month again, i just wanna see if it works. if i’m not less than 120 by february then i’m an absolutely failure. i’ve been getting the worse headaches lately, i already get such bad ones but restricting definitely doesn’t help.
 
Discussion starter · #40 ·
intake:—
definitely was high restriction today. honestly there’s not much to be said. need to get through the weekend without slipping up, then it’s only a week and a half until february 1st. i think i might fast, or eat very little on saturday just to bring my average calories down a bit. i have to admit i sorta did count calories today, like i haven’t added everything up all this week but i’ve added bits together here and there. i’m kinda just like counting cals after i’ve eaten something, rather than like predicting/ aiming for a number. overall just trying not to think about them quite so much and i think it really benefits my mental health. not quite so depressed now that i’m restricting again. not much else happing really, stressed about school, the usual.
 
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