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daisy’s diary

12K views 417 replies 2 participants last post by  daisyt123 
#1 · (Edited)
omggg i’m so mad at myself rn.
okay a little introduction: i’ve had an ed for years but i would say it didn’t get really bad until about a year and a half ago. feel pretty invalid because my lw wasn’t even very low, 95 lbs( bmi of 17ish) aaaaand this year i balloon up to a bmi of 22.6
what is extremely frustrating is the fact that last week i lost 4 pounds in 6 days (127-123) and then i binged. and then today, i binged again. i just can’t get it right anymore. i’ve been trying to restrict this entire year but binging has just been in complete control. it’s so, so frustrating. i wanted to get to 120 by christmas and i actually would have done if only i didn’t binge. anyway look just gotta move past it. i’m not gonna weigh myself until christmas day because i am wayyyy too scared to see the number until then. so hoping to be back at 123 for christmas. terrified for christmas ugh.
i’m hoping that by recording everything here everyday maybe I’ll stick at this for once. so yeah basically this will just be my daily intake plus whatever else i’m thinking about. i typically do lowish restriction, like anywhere from 400-800, with higher days here and there. my ugw has always been 90 but i can’t think that far ahead for now. need to get down to at least 110, even if i stay there for a while i’ll be happier.
i’ll update tomorrow!!
 
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#2 ·
intake: 540
today was alright. just happy i didn’t eat too much again, usually i find it so hard to break a binge cycle. hopefully i can keep it up tomorrow too, and then thursday i think i’m going out for lunch so it’ll probably be a bit higher. i’m excited for christmas, but of course stressed as well. it’s just weird to think because this time last year i was at my lw, and then the week after christmas i literally ate everything in site i was so hungry. and then i basically haven’t stopped since then, not until recently. was feeling so low over the weekend after binging but i’m trying to pick myself up again now, feeling a bit better :)
 
#3 ·
intake:1800
ughh well today was a mess. i didn’t binge, but ate wayyy too much. got in a fight with my parents over food so was forced to eat dinner but i also just didn’t try hard enough. had loads of christmas treats. i’ll try harder tomorrow but i already know the cals will be high because i’m going out for food :( i’m gonna be at food related things like every other day for the next while. i feel like i’m making excuses. if i really tried harder i could keep the cals low, but honestly there’s a part of me that wants to enjoy christmas at least a little bit this year. i’m just sick of being miserable. and i actually had a nice time today and it was nice to enjoy food. even still, my absolute max cals should be 1200.
 
#4 ·
intake: 1304
better than yesterday, but still no where near good enough. so much for 123lbs on christmas. maybe that was unrealistic tho, it being christmas week. i have yet another food-related event tomorrow, hoping maybe i can keep cals below 800 if don’t eat until i get there?? but then it’s so bad because i just can never trust myself. like today could have easily been around 800 cals but i just let myself indulge too much. i need to remember that i’m very much capable i just need to have more discipline. at this rate all i can hope for is less that 127lbs for christmas. i’m fairy confident that i’m already less than that so hopefully that’s very much doable. okay so tomorrow max 800, and then christmas eve max 600, because i need to have at least one more day of proper restriction. and then I hardly know what to do about christmas. i think my plan is just to eat only what is given to me and absolutely no extras, no gorging on chocolates and cookies and cakes and whatnot. next week is gonna be loads more christmas food too. think new year is gonna have to start off with a nice cleansing fast after all that. anyway i actually did have a good day today. christmas really is good at making you enjoy food. it’s like i almost appreciate making memories with friends more than caring what i’m eating. i need to keep myself busy because as soon as i’m lying in bed are staring at the ceiling the depression sets in. so yeah, there’s my plans. just hope i eat less tomorrow!!
 
#7 · (Edited)
happy christmas eve!!
i just weighted myself and i’m 124lbs!!! i’m so relived. and that’s literally after eating 2000 calories yesterday, so i might actually be 123. by tomorrow i might be back there! maybe i was seriously overreacting about how much i’ve been eating. i guess i’ve only actually eating above my maintenance cals like twice?? whenever i eat like 1200+ my brain automatically assumes the worst, like 1 day of overeating and i’m convinced that i’ve gained 4lbs overnight. well this is such a relief. i’m definitely not gonna mess up today, i’m gonna have a salad for dinner but that’s all. then tomorrow i’m just gonna try be really calm, just eat what i have to and no more. the next day will be much the same.
realistically i’m not sure if i can restrict much next week but even if i just have one or two days of low res it will work in my favour. if i eat around 500 today, which i will, that puts my average cals for the last 6 days at about 1300. okay okay everything is alright. just gonna try have a good christmas. so excited for all my new clothes, and i won’t feel fat in them tomorrow. even loosing just 4 pounds honestly makes me feel so much better. next goal is 120, then 115, 110, then 105 and so on. even 115, that’s so much better. it makes me so mad though because i was literally 112lbs before my ed ughhh. anyways i keep going off on a tangent about weight and cals. i’ll update at the end of the day!
 
#8 ·
intake: 543
finally!! happy with that. i’ve not much else to say really. did some last minute christmas shopping today, all set now. i’m actually looking forward to tomorrow. like i’m worried about food but i’m gonna try not to let it ruin my day. if you’re worried about tomorrow here’s your reminder to try to go easy on yourself <3 we can’t let it overrule our day, even if you just do one positive thing for yourself, it’s better than nothing :)
 
#9 ·
intake: 2000
happy christmas everyone!!
woke up to 123lbs :)
i’ve just finished my christmas dinner. i don’t know about everyone else, but christmas dinner for me is literally a massive 3 course meal. and we have christmas breakfast too…. so i’m up to about 2000 calories now. i’m happy i haven’t binged though. i don’t have to eat for the rest of the day now, so all i can do is hope that i don’t eat anything else. i’ll let you know if i do end up eating more. i really shouldn’t though, no excuses. i don’t think i can cope with any more than 2000. tomorrow is gonna be a lot too, but hopefully less than 1500. on tuesday i’ll be restricting back to 500. so hopefully everything will work out. then in the new year i’ll be back to restricting properly. hope everyone has a good christmas <3
 
#10 ·
intake: 2500+
oh god i haven’t even been able to come on here i’m so ashamed. i ended up binging yesterday. it’s an actual joke how much of a failure i am. and today wasn’t much better. i just feel like shit but at the same time i know there’s no point in dwelling on it, what’s done is done. all i can do is look forward. christmas is over. back to full time restriction, no excuses. i really can’t deal with being like this any longer. i’m gonna weigh myself on new years. really wanted to fast on new years but i’m going to a family dinner. i really am planning on fasting soon though. honestly fasting is such a bad idea for me, it always ends up in me feeling absolutely vile because my blood sugar gets so screwed. but, for some reason i never learn and i do it anyways!! also i know it probably seems like i should just not restrict to less than 500 because i always end up eating loads the next day but i just can’t not ugh.
absolutely max 1000 a day for the rest of the week just need to get back into routine.
i’ll have around 500 tomorrow, i’ll update then :)
 
#11 ·
intake: 2000
i just feel so hopeless. the only time i can function and not feel depressed is when i’m restricting and loosing. i ate less then i have the past two days but it’ll still make me gain back. feel like a broken record. i just need to push myself. i sound so pathetic. i just wish i could restrict like I used to. i just got my period as well and every time i get it i just feel like a failure. i know that it means i’m healthy again and it should be a good thing but i just hate it, it reminds me of all the weight i’ve gained and everything. all i can do is try again tomorrow i guess.
 
#13 · (Edited)
intake: 1000
no point in giving out to myself cuz i don’t think it gets me anywhere. at least it’s less. i felt pretty bad all day and just down about stuff going on in my life. i always wonder if things would be better if i wasn’t so consumed with my ed but i guess that’s what keeps me from recovering because i’m scared nothing would improve if i did. whenever i have nothing to do i always end up feeling down. maybe i’ll go for a walk or a coffee or just find something to do tomorrow. i used to be great for walking to burn calories but i never do anymore idk. i’ve been thinking of doing veganuary maybe??? like just to try something new. i already do eat pretty plant based so i don’t think it would be too hard. and it would keep me away from chocolate which is my downfall. anyway i’ll update tomorrow.
 
#14 ·
for some reason that 1am motivation has kicked in and i have a sudden urge to plan out everything so here we are.
so my current stats give or take a pound or two are 126lbs which puts me at a bmi of 22.5
my main goal is to be underweight again so bmi 18.5 which is 103lbs.
if i restrict consistently that should be doable by sometime in march?? maybe that’s overachieving.
i realised i never really gave my full stats so here why not:

height: 159cm (5’3ish)
hw: 127lbs
lw: 95lbs
cw: 124-126lbs (?)
sort of have a few goal weights
gw1: 115
gw2: 103
ugw: 90

even though i know i want to be lower than that but honestly i feel like an absolute pathetic joke even saying any of this because look at me now. all i do these days is talk about loosing weight and then i never do, or i loose and gain the same 5 pounds over and over. i just need to be even relatively skinny again like i just hate being like this. even 115 like that should be so easy why can’t i just get a grip and do it. i could easily be 115 by february if i just try hard enough.
i swear no more binging though. i hate new years resolutions but if i have one that’s it. if i have literally one goal that’s it.
so i’m planning to just try and restrict a decent amount before the holidays end, hopefully fast sometime next week.
my goal weight for january is 115 (gw1) and i’m gonna eat vegan
sorry about these ramblings but at least i’m motivated!!
 
#15 ·
intake: 740
well at least i’m getting back on track. had a hard day anxiety wise, i swear to god anxiety is the absolute worst thing to deal with. like it’s just so life debilitating. my parents keep asking me to get therapy but i keep saying no. i’m just scared to. i know i should but i just feel like with regards to my ed i don’t feel sick enough to deserve help and i don’t wanna get help for other things and not my ed, feel like that would be no help. that’s probably not even true though. ugh idk. anyway i’m going out for lunch tomorrow so i’ll have to figure that out. and i have family dinner on new years. i still plan to weigh myself on new years. i need to get back into routine of weighing myself everyday because when i see the number going down it really motivates me, but i need to get back into restriction consistently first because i literally can’t deal with seeing it go up. anyway. that’s all from today. i’ll try keep tomorrow as low as i can. i might be going out tomorrow night so alcohol calories might be a problem?? we’ll see.
 
#16 ·
couldn’t help myself and weighed myself: 125lbs. i’m actually pretty happy because it’s the end of the day so hopefully tomorrow morning i’ll be 124, which will mean i’ll only have gained a pound since christmas. so i think i’ll be weighing myself regularly from now on. maybe not every single day because it’s hard to get the scale but definitely every second day.
 
#17 ·
intake: 1440
cw:124
well that’s not good. my mom bought a cake and i had to have a slice, there was no getting out of it. but i also ate christmas chocolate, that was 100% on me. it’s still well below my tdee so realistically i shouldn’t gain but idk. at least i weighed in at 124 today tho. didn’t end up going out tonight. it was partly because we all cancelled but then again i really don’t know if i would have gone anyway because alcohol calories. which is pretty sad. anyway in other news my new years dinner is cancelled tomorrow, so i can restrict. that’s all really. hope everyone has a good new years <3
 
#18 ·
happy new year guys. idk just have a lot of thoughts so i’m on here. made the stupid mistake of weighing myself at night and it’s 126lbs. if it doesn’t go back down to 124lbs by morning i actually can’t. i feel so heavy rn, like i keep looking in the mirror and feeling like i’ve gained. just can’t believe it’s 2023. i remember this day last year, hoping that i’d figure everything out. fml. i don’t really know what to expect from this year. i really should get my shit together. like seriously. i’m so young but i feel like i’m running out of time, like i’m almost an adult now and i’m still struggling with the same stuff i’ve been struggling with since i was 12 and it’s just depressing. want to just be a bit happier this year really. even if my ed is still shit i just want things in my life to improve, mostly my friendships because i just feel like i have no friends. even though i do, i have a big group of friends but i don’t actually have anyone, you know? i can’t even really think about it because it just makes me so upset. i just wish i wasn’t such an anxious mess. i’m always so quiet and every time i drift from friends i just think well who can blame them, i’m no fun anyway. i know i have really low self esteem and sometimes i’m like i should really try hard to be more confident but i just can’t. like this is just truly how i feel about myself and i’ve felt this way for years. it’s too hard to change your way of thinking. i sort of just think all the bad things i think about myself are true anyway so why try change my mindset. idk. hopefully i’ll get to 115 pounds by february anyway. it’s never gonna happen if i don’t get back to consistent restriction though. well. hopefully everything will work out.
 
#19 ·
intake: 700
cw: 124
just fake ate dinner, hopefully i can get away with not eating any more. i’m dreading going back to school so much (still not back till the end of the week) but i’ve nothing to do until then and it’s giving me too much time to think. i really want to go out for lunch or get coffee with friends but i’m scared because of calories and just social anxiety. idk i literally haven’t seen them all holidays. hopefully i get out for a coffee before school though. coffee has weirdly always sort of been a safe food of mine even though i get lattes. usually almond milk though, even though i hate it. my life does feel a bit empty atm, all i think about is my ed. but i guess it’s better that way, i don’t want to think about everything else. i really really hope i’m 123lbs tomorrow because i just need to get back there and then i can continue.
i’d love to be 120 by this day next week. it’s definitely doable, if i really give it a shot.
 
#20 ·
intake: 910
cw: 124
still not 123. think i should take a break from the scale because it’s not exactly motivating me even though i am restricting. well. i was really tempted to not restrict today, hence the higher cals. i just feel like even though i have been restricting i’m just eating such bad food, like i used to be way stricter with things like fat and sugar grams, the amount of carbs. honestly i was probably a bit too strict though because i’d end up having massive binges. so i’m not gonna go crazy about it but i do seriously need to cut down on the amount of sugar i’m having.
feel really guilty about the cals today. and i just feel massive
 
#21 ·
well. i feel awful right now. ending up eating a lot more. i’m just praying i didn’t go over maintenance. i literally don’t even know why i did it?? like usually with binges and i know it wasn’t a binge but like usually when i end up eating more something triggers it but i just don’t even know anymore. i just really hope it will be easier when i go back to school. i’m trying to look on the bright side because honestly compared to how much i ate for most of 2022 the past 2 months i have been doing better, i’ve only had 2 binges in the last 2 months, compared to literally every other day for most of the year. i just feel the need to constantly reassure myself that i’m making some sort of progress but the reality is right now i feel full and i seriously cannot deal with it. every time i feel full it makes me wanna relapse with sh. i won’t, i know i won’t let myself. for now. but i know it’s inevitable. think my plan for tomorrow is to not eat all day to make up for today and then go out and drink. which ik is a terrible idea!!! but i feel so vile i honestly don’t think i can eat. and if i do then i’m actually pathetic. i’m scared of alcohol calories all of a sudden and i never used to be. drinking is literally the only thing that gets rid of my anxiety and lets me socialise like a normal person. i don’t drink often though don’t worry. but i definitely am like socially reliant on it. i probably should try to eat something small but i hate getting bloated before i go out and i already will be bloated from today. i’m so bloody anxious all the time i’m so sick of it. maybe i really should get help for it but i know that if i do i won’t be honest so what’s the point? i also find going out so hard because of my body, I just never feel confident. all my friends and skinny and athletic and confident and extroverted and I wish more then anything i was like them.
i think i’ve come to the conclusion though that i need to be stricter with myself because the problem is that i think if eat anymore than 500-600 i am prone eating too much. that’s why fasting is so appealing, but i just can never function when i fast. but i think i need to do a few days where i’m strict with myself, absolutely no excuses. so until sunday i’m eating no more that 600 calories and i’m really going to try like it’s not just an idea i’m doing it. it really really shouldn’t be hard because i literally have nothing to do this week. i’ll weigh myself sunday morning. i need to prove to myself that i can still restrict.
 
#22 ·
intake:??
cw:124
very drunk rn ngl. i’m so happy i still managed to restrict today. i can’t be bothered to figure out my calories rn but it was good enough i think. had a great night tonight. i wish i could be as confident sober as i am drunk. fun. every time i go out and i’m like “oh i’m having fun” it always makes me question my ed and makes me realise how it’s really not all about body image. when I go out and get drunk i feel fine and confident in my body. but i still can’t stop starving myself. god i wish i wasn’t like this.
still weighed myself today because i can’t help it. 124. even after yesterdays mess. so that’s good
 
#23 ·
intake: 573
cw: 123
today went well!!! so happy i’m back at 123 and the scale flickered at 122 so hopefully i’ll be there tomorrow, then i’ll be in the bmi 21s. not much else to be said really. feel like i’ve gotten used to this again. 115 was my january goal but i’m not sure if that’ll happen. we’ll see. back to school tomorrow and i actually can’t but at least it it’s only two days.
 
#24 ·
intake: 685
cw:123
feeling pretty tired. i’m not gonna weigh tomorrow and maybe not for a few days, i just think it frustrates me if i don’t see it go down everyday. then again i say this now but i might not be able to help myself in the morning and i’ll just weigh myself anyways, who knows. i’m really getting used to restriction again, it kind of just feels normal. i do feel so conflicted about everything though. like i’m so happy i’m restricting but at the same time i just have that constant pit in my stomach because i know what i’m doing is going to land me in a mess. it’s hard because i have to loose so much weight to get to my ugw (90). but it’s also like i want to be 90 pounds so badly, but at the same time i don’t. it’s like there’s two parts to my head. i would literally look awful at 90lbs. and then at the same time i’m so excited to be 90lbs. so many thoughts at once. and while i say all this, there’s another part of me that would be happy getting down to around 115-110 (bmi 19-20s) and maintain that for a while, maybe tone up and start exercising. it would be allowing myself to have a little happiness for once. i don’t really know about maintaining after restriction though. I’d probably eat around 1200 and just keep loosing slowly? i think i’d be so scared attempting maintenance, like gaining after loosing is just so terrifying. and then i’d probably feel so invalid if i stopped loosing when i’m not underweight. it’s so hard to figure this out. i could literally be 115 in less then a month. i guess i’ll just take this day by day, see how i feel.
 
#25 ·
intake: 642
i feel massive right now even though i’ve restricted. i’ve always had this thing with wanting to eat less than 500cals. it literally barely makes a difference so i should stop being stupid and just be grateful that i’m restricting. think i have to weigh myself tomorrow i just need too. i really really hope it’s at 122. had an okay day. i generally don’t feel to fatigued, only in the mornings i do feel a bit weak. nothing that bad though. just want to keep this up. trying to stay around the 600 mark for another few days but i won’t stay here forever. i know i’m going out for meals next week so things will probably be a bit higher. 2023 is going to be a binge free year. 10 days binge free now. i kid you not from january-november last year i never made it more that a week. i was so convinced that I’d just never manage to stop and somehow something just clicked in november. anyways, that’s all for today. i feel like these posts must be really boring so thanks to anyone that’s reading them <3
 
#26 ·
intake: 1900
cw: 122
today is a mixed bag for sure.
hit my new lw of this relapse, 122 which brings my bmi into the 21s and means that I’ve lost 5 pounds 127-122. and what do i do? eat 1900 calories!!! maybe more!!!! WHY. okay actually i do know why. ending up going out with friends. and all calories were eaten with fun with friends. so at least there’s that. i feel so full, it’s vile. just trying to relax. tomorrow i’m just gonna eat as little as possible, think i’ll just get a latte and then maybe something small before bed so i don’t wake up feeling like hell. less than 250cals for tomorrow, that’s the goal. i’m disappointed and i should have tried to hold back more today but at least it wasn’t a situation of me sitting at home doing nothing and eating. so i’m gonna weigh myself wednesday morning. i know wednesday and thursday cals are gonna be high too ughhhh. to try and compensate i’ll definitely stay under 250 tomorrow, and then under 500 on monday and tuesday. really bawled my eyes out before i went out to eat today and i rarely cry over food. i’m just stressed out now. i’m gonna wake up feeling fat tomorrow i actually can’t.
 
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