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Discussion starter · #81 ·
6:34pm. feeling so unloved. it will pass. this will all pass.

it is really only in that first episode, only in the pilot, that you get a vision of what the show could have been. the subtlety, darkness, and detachment of this other show--just as dramatic (with a hint of whit stillman ("i don't care if it's murakami. it clashes with my sofa.")), but with understated dialogue, sometimes almost atmospheric, but also well-considered to build things in a certain direction, or many. blair in lace on lace makes me ache. the vulnerability in her face. by the second episode it is written with such a blunt tool, a little day time soap, generous recourse the trope of the confrontation. still the characters, the scenery, the fashion, and the well- casted actors evoke what the writing tends to undermine. the writing does come thru at random times, something smart, but in the rush they didn't let that intelligence shine through, and plodded through the execution of a very good premise. maybe plodded is too strong. it was obviously not devoid of inspiration; none of the seasons were. chuck should of course have always been a lurking villain, showing the darkness that is normalized and that helps to make the world in which they live, the person who provides resources when people are in a tight spot, the evil man the good man, nate, does not unfriend despite him being a rapist (again not too far from whit stillman); but how stupid to make him a redeemed member of the group. that smile between chuck and blair on the balcony in the pilot was beautiful, the darkness in her. so ues glamor but also so high school. it was: popular walked so it could run; it was peak. to have something between them was a natural choice. to have a love story? obviously stupid. blair, leighton meester-blair is one of the most compelling characters ever created, so much so that the terrible writing that continually undermines the character takes a backseat to the vision of what the character is supposed to be that you can't help see, at least pre-sarah lawrence begging scene, and later still every now and again. the little laughing eyebrow raise when serena comes in acting all "what? why the sudden cold shoulder b" when her trust has been broken, so she acts like the bitch, but it was serena who was the actual..

i'm down. i want love.
 
Discussion starter · #82 ·
1:35pm.

If i judge this day in light of the fact that i was ready to take it off completely, under the guise that kant needs a day of rest to soak in, etc., and that every hour i planned only to make it to a certain point, till 8, till 10, 1030, 11, etc., and finally i made it past 1, if i judge it in that light, etc.

guilty-type sad, with no particular object. the sad that grows out the gut and threatens to take up the subject of humanity. i can't contemplate its fragility right now. and j.

One more single day, absolutely. i was on the verge of being ready, being done, which is what kept me going as long as i did. just one more day, to review the intro to judgment, to go over pure again, and to go back to veblen's essay. and that's it. thursday will be warm and sunny. a great day to bike to the library with a backpack full of vegan jerky and clif bars. how come no one loves me it's my fault. blah blah blah.
 
Discussion starter · #83 ·
9:42am. i woke up close to 9am. i need to do laundry but i don't want to run into the owners. i wanted the sleep but now it feels like the day is on the verge of being lost. i'm putting in an order for pick up. my brain is calling myself a word, but i'm not fucking with my brain these days. i dunno, we'll see how the day goes. nothing's promised.
 
Discussion starter · #84 ·
7:51am. at 3-something i woke up, with a devil on my shoulder urging me from sleep. i stayed in bed till 5-something, watching a new (to me) marxist channel on youtube. the betrayal of the german revolution. there are these moments in the past about which your brain will not let go of the feeling that it could have done something. it's clinging, it's contemplating time travel. but time travel is an inherent contradiction, solved by no dialectic transcendence. space can be decimated, sucked up wholesale, but every moment in time is irrevocable. that is the thing the brain cannot.

yesterday i did not get any work done. there were moments i pulled up veblen, but it was a joke. i spent hours thinking about finances. all the rent's coming due. my oldest credit card ended the interest-free period, sucking a wad of cash out of me to pay it off, and i have to close my chase account because they are crooks who charged me $12 for not having enough money. i don't fault them for being crooks, i fault me for losing in this particular instance.

now, with saturday near, it's like the whole week is drifting into erosion. i was going to aim for 12pm, now i'm scaling to 10am, to stay sober and do some reviewing, reacquainting. whether i go into the library tomorrow is still undecided. i didn't do laundry, it can be postponed another day. ideally i go to bed at 8pm or something and sleep 9 hours uninterrupted, and wake up not only with energy but with a sudden grasp of kant. for all his true awfulness, he does resonate. nothing he says about the actual world, of course, but the epistemological struggle, i feel that.

ever since i said i was the lesbian on white lotus i keep thinking i must make an emendation. too flattering. there is something so pure and lovely about her. really, tho i see myself in so many of them, i am portia, the ugliest character of them all--though i suppose it's internalized misogyny that gives the boys a pass; on the second watch i forgave albie (spelling?) all his absurdity and privileged misunderstanding..--portia, who paints her ugliness on the world around her, when she is amidst dazzling beauty. it's true, that there are material constraints, tho she doesn't clearly ascribe her boredom to the correct cause--the most offensive line of the whole show is "is everything boring?" no, sweetie, it's you. though it does suck to have your privilege contingent on sucking the cock of the next level up, your cocksucking is so relatively minor. meanwhile half the characters actually have to suck cock. then i was thinking this morning in bed, while the german revolution gathered doomed hope, about aubrey plaza's character, and how i feel that i'm in just that position. do i ascend to my place of privilege, put away my consciousness and its prickling. what labor would it be to actually do something. paralyzed, watching my situation float before me, hearing the misery in a phantom ear, feeling every move of mine stained with blood, but i could be as utterly thoughtless a green juice girl. the only difference between me and her is this seething spot of consciousness, my grandmother breaking curtain rods at sears. at 5-something i stretched and got up, and before the death of rosa luxemburg, the wads channel started playing, i'd put the newest video on my queue, a costco-publix-target haul with 3-ingredient chicken nuggets and heart-shaped reese's pieces, and i finally did a few dishes; more remain.
 
Discussion starter · #85 ·
11:20. today i have accepted that fruity pebbles are not vegan. the first search result on google, the one at the top with the answer ai-cached in bold, says they are, on a site called "accidentallyvegan." really all sugar that is not fair trade is not vegan, i don't care about the bone char. really any sugar could have blood on it. but if i stopped buying the soy protein at trader joe's because of the d3, then i should stop buying fruity pebbles for the same reason. i don't like the idea of sheep's wool going inside me, even if it's been chemically reacted and transformed. the sites that say it isn't vegan seem to be content farms. but the info seems more or less valid.

i made it to 12pm or so. i'm going to the library tomorrow mostly strictly to print out some stuff.

i am about to uninstall tinder again. i'm not getting any matches, and i fucked up all the conversations i was in. i got one message on monday i responded to on wednesday. by that logic, syllogistically, i should wait till tomorrow to see if she responds. but hopefully she doesn't. then i'll uninstall tomorrow night or saturday, and give it another go in may or something, when the weather's warm enough that there's no danger they'll see me in my old thrifted coat with the tear on the bottom right side of the zipper bleeding wool or woolish innards, and the orange tie dye stain all over it from the time a homeless women threw orange juice on me when i said i didn't have cash. to be fair, it is a bullshit excuse. it's a class war out there. tachons de rester sur les hauteurs. it's still a good jacket. reminds me of the last real friend i made (which of course i fucked up). i was maybe 23? and she was 30, but she looked and acted young, and she was at the hostel on hawthorne, where i always had to sneak and argue my way into because i had no out of state i.d., and somehow she happened to be from the exact place i'm from, the exact neighborhood my dad lives in. and she had gone to the same college as a. and she moved into a room near my college. and we would get pizza and it was the first time since high school i think that i had real friend chemistry with someone. ac, maybe, but after it got fucked up i couldn't even remember if we'd ever been friends really at all. but her i loved. but i didn't have the guts to tell her i was queer (she wasn't), and maybe i was getting a crush, and felt guilty because she had slept in my bed, so when we had this fight about some stupid shit, it was a great opportunity to end the friendship entirely. we were in one of the foreign language houses on my college campus, going to watch a movie or eat their food or something, and there at the house there was this short girl i always thought was 1. extremely beautiful 2. gay--no doubt it's my delusive brain but there are these girls sometimes, i mean it's rare but, i feel are looking at me like gay angels, with the message 'i see you and i feel for you,' and i always felt she looked at me that way, with some sort of non-patronizing empathy that was gay-related. and when L and i got into the fight, i saw the gay angel coming down the stairs, and she looked at me, and i felt that the truth was visible to her, that the gay angel girl could see that this girl who was my 'friend' who i was fighting with was someone i had repressed feelings for and jesus. at least it was something that was almost like a real experience. at least in the last 15 years i had, briefly, one real connection. anyway she had a coat like this, the army? green, the wool? hood. the last person whose face lit up when i saw them. jb's maybe did for awhile, but it was never real, and turned blank. j's doesn't. he must just be attached to me. he'd marry me maybe but there's no love on either end. he probably just doesn't think he can do better.

just thinking about talking to a makes me happy, which annoyingly is why i feel like i can't reach out to her. i thought about texting her asking what i should do with avocado, since it's been cheap so i bought some and i bet she would know some sort of recipe, but what a stupid pretext. i just want to talk to her because i want to talk to her. i wish it could just be totally undubiously normal. it would be great to just have a real friend.
 
Discussion starter · #86 ·
11:07am. today is a pass. i still might go to the library and print some documents (return some videotapes) then whole foods to stuff my snout in the trough. but equally appealing is the idea of not leaving the house at all today. it restores me, like the safe place regrows. but i might have to go get stupid water anyway.

in fact i can wait a whole 'nother month to start working. and murphy's law says if i can not work i will not work. there is no way in hell or worse late capitalist earth that i will not be done by march 9, when the second part of you season 4 comes out and i will watch both parts at once, with j, and maybe do shrooms, be a whole 'nother year older, and move on with my life (go on another diet).

the clock is running out on getting a response from the last conversation still conceivably active on tinder. i stupidly looked at the profile pic of this girl who sent the best message i've gotten, which i was too scared to respond to. but its proffer has elapsed. i almost put another picture on my tinder account but fortunately the dimensional constraints could not capture the sublimity of godard's superwide frame. for whatever reason i had to find the exact point where pierrot says "travel broadens the mind" (i was watching a moderngurlz video on youtube? i dunno). i couldn't understand the french but i found it in google: "les voyages forment la jeunesse." how is that the same thing? but it is. seneca, the same dude, i think, who said "i don't mind a bad source if the quote is good." the english cc on the video was delayed, so the caption read "let's go. travel broadens the mind," not as she was cringing angrily at the car with the money in the trunk he set on fire, but as she joins him in the field of grass (wheat?), two little figures walking off the screen and into the distance, whose emotions can't really be read (thus made, perhaps deceptively, sublime), with the flaming cars almost at the other end of the screen except for the road to their right. and this skeletal decrepit concrete structure, like a temple and like a parking lot, in the background of the flames. her figure literally elapses with his. it captured what i would like to mean when i said "travel" was one of my interests. i didn't want to come off like a "tourist." it was pretentious, and fortunately tinder couldn't fit the cc and the little figures of karina and belmondo in the same shot, so i set it as my computer background and that's just as good.
 
Discussion starter · #88 ·
7:45pm.

i weighed in today. it's that thing i do (one does), where i find myself needing to avoid doing something so as a final hail mary i'm suddenly able and urgent to do something else. 142.6. if i had feelings any more i'd report them. i didn't work on my paper yesterday or today. suddenly i finally had to make cabbage soup from all the vegetables i bought like a week ago that were wilting in my fridge. suddenly i had to do laundry (but i really did have to do laundry.) suddenly i was ready for j to come over and fix the desk. suddenly i opened the computer i bought when the desk fell and this computer i'm now got splashed with coffee. suddenly ready to open it, test it out, decide i liked the look but not the keyboard (which i tested by playing a game of tetris.) etc. still somehow, this place is a mess.

i am leaning towards continuing "intuitive eating" till the paper is over, and it absolutely WILL be over on or before 12pm on the day You Season 4 Part 2 comes out.

i mean yes i have feelings. but better not to explore them, where does that lead. j said he liked helping me and instead of feeling guilty i chose to feel happy. i hugged him several times when he came over to fix the desk. i'm so physically lonely.

now i have a desk. i also (suddenly) purchased a laptop case, and i have a cafe in mind i might work at, though i fear being judged by the hipsters--if i were more polished or thinner..but as it is i'm this with a computer that has a four inch crack on one corner, wide right scalene. i have the library and their computers. the weather is annoyingly cold but. i have all the tools. now: write!

ok now back to my regularly scheduled body image spiral.
 
Discussion starter · #89 ·
7:07am. i could've, maybe should've, slept longer. i must do at least three hours of writing today. i will do.

the word should have been "elides." or maybe collapse, or lapse, but not elapse. the street was lined with trees. and the car was nearer the middle than i remembered. i wish i'd never heard about the cinematic rule of thirds.

she was in my dream. i don't remember the whole thing. but i remember we were sitting on the couch (why the couch gets a definite article when i don't recognize it from anywhere), and her arm for some reason was across my neck, kind of like when someone reaches across you to get something, and i was eating something with berries--i remember their bleeding blue purple red colors, the way their ink bleeds in streams of slanted thickness like calligraphy--and i couldn't really eat over her arm. but i was just happy to be near her. i mean i get what i was trying to say with that dream, i get it, it's a little heavy handed if you ask me. but it just made me miss her. i think her boyfriend or fiance was somewhere in the picture.

j always has dreams with me in them where i'm getting him to do go on some irresponsible journey and he's getting lost or something. makes me feel guilty. but he is and was a grown man, what am i supposed to do. it's really he who led me down this lost highway.

i uninstalled tinder, and then i checked myself, as i sometimes do, and i found that i didn't really have a will to live. it comes and goes. but it felt obviously connected to the idea that i was consigning myself to no hope of connection. so i reinstalled and uninstalled and reinstalled a few more times. the first reinstall i noticed the gym girl had unmatched me. that all went so horribly. i have had three+ unmatches recently, and it's hammered in the lesson: i'm not ready to swipe right on anybody. i don't want to repeat what i've done. if i decide to start swiping right again, that means i have to be ready to engage, not flake out, and well shit eventually see them in person. one thing i'm currently worried about is my eczema. on my eurotrip i lost the fat tube of cortisone this one doctor prescribed me after i'd gotten him to prescribe this other expensive shit they give to people with cancer and then came back with more eczema. in that period i was having this thing where i'd wake up with a massive swollen eye and face. probably related to my eclectic eating habits. definitely related to stress. anyway, i've been using the over the counter shit but now there's this patch on my right forearm that won't go away. all the otc stuff does is smooth the skin, but it stays red and blotchy. so i called my medicaid provider, and they said call back in a week because we're booked for the next six weeks and only book six weeks out. so i switched providers and hopefully i'll get a new card soon and an appointment within the next few weeks. i want that gone, and a slightly patched up wardrobe, and a slightly improved apartment. nothing to misrepresent myself as someone who puts either function or form over aversion to buying new shit or making any conceivably long term investments. if i can project a holly go lightly rather than a perkus tooth type of vibe, flightiness rather than squalor, maybe they'll be endeared rather than ill at ease with this frugality (i'm sitting on a cardboard box right now).. or as i call myself holly go heavy. then, i swear, i will go thru with it. i'll see someone up close. and hopefully won't embarrass myself to a traumatizing extent. but now i'm keeping tinder on my phone because like i said, it's somehow intricated in my will to live.

the way i get this sort of running list of compulsions when i "intuitive eat." like must get these good thins, etc. exhausting.
 
Discussion starter · #90 ·
9:25am. like all of the failed wanna-s i don't believe in the laws of thermodynamics. 142.6 yesterday and today, no counting. i know i can't be happy staying at this weight, but i am happy eating intuitively, i mean by asking myself whether i want to eat and what kind of food or snacks i feel like. and in this current circumstance, i don't see myself naturally losing weight. i can almost see myself committing to not fucking with weight loss anymore, since all it does it bring obsession and depression, and nary a pound lost; but if i don't naturally lose weight i can't sustain this. it feels relatively free, like i can depend on my appetite rather than be worried i'll suddenly start binging, and i can eat different things without minimizing calorie density like a max min problem. but still i'm always worried and thinking about it--being fat, eating too much, the food inside me, the fat inside me, what's healthy, etc. and how can my set weight be overweight? that's just simply not fair. your honor i implore.

i got another message on tinder. part of me is ready to have a girlfriend. younger me didn't ever desire a relationship. i still don't like that word. i associate it with... whiny shit i dunno. i don't see how passion and connection can fit into these forms. it's strange to me how often, how ubiquitously they do. but i just want someone by me, and i feel like i could be satisfied with that, with life even, if i had that. she would leave, eventually (my mind reminds me), but that would be ok. just some time with someone i.. just someone to run around with for awhile. the messager has dishwater blonde hair. i just like to say dishwater blonde. gender nonconforming but a pretty face like a girl. a great message in just four words. but i'm not going to answer just to later ghost on a developed conversation. my total number of matches has gone down again. maybe i'll break myself in with an older woman. but i don't think it will work since i feel comfortable with older people in general. it's specifically women around my age that i have this fear response to.

one after one, my e-book holds have come ready, and one by one they've disappointed. paradise rot was the latest bust. put the rot in rotten. (i should know by how often "the secret history" comes up that tiktok's taste is not to be trusted.) but diary of a void promises to be better. i don't love of a kitschy premise (she's pretending to be pregnant), for some reason when there's a plotty premise i feel like it's work for me, something to worry about, but i like the writing. not too sparse; not that adolescent pretension of paradise rot. it's in translation, but still the words come thru, because words should just be vessels of experience, images. sounds too but. diary of an empty core.

i finally got into the library yesterday, lasted a few hours working on my paper, and now the library's going to be closed for three days for war crime celebration day or whatever holiday they've cooked up to sell mattresses and other insidious forms of cultural hegemony and dependency. this computer is too small to work on. it's an excuse, maybe, but i'm not going to keep writing the same pages over and over. i want to write it in the library, once and for all. i came across an earlier version of the section i'm working on and found some of it was better than this version. i wrote it years ago. what the fuck. i can't even think about it it makes me feel trapped. i'm just living on faith. it will get done by march 9. i will get it done. i will get it done. etc.
 
Discussion starter · #91 ·
7:56am. after getting 36 free clif bars and 4 free boxes of good thins--due to the generous refund policies of online shopping--i may still go over my snap this month. like i said (somewhere above) i have this running list of things i need to buy. i want to never purchase these industrial fattening narcotics, designed to addict. there's always something new i haven't tried. there's always a buy 3 for less than the price of 2 deal. i always feel like a failure when i cave in. i always have to "win" by abusing the discount and return policies and end up with the cow owning me. the cow being me.

i put in two orders, to get $15 off each. i decided i needed to get 3 bags of popcorners and 3 family sized boxes of wheat thins. and the shady maple stroopwaffles. and then the kettle potato chips, salt and vinegar, that had a coupon, and the que pasa tortilla chips. 2 boxes of clif bars, on sale plus a coupon. i wanted to put it off, but the library's open again tomorrow, and i don't want another day going by with an excuse to ruin potential progress on my paper.

i'm going to make batch of cabbage soup tonight,10-13 yogurt containers. i can come home, heat it up, and go back. i may even buy lunch in the library area. the point is, that i'm going in every day the library's open and getting some good, permanent pages in. i did 1.5 pages last time; that should be the minimum. of course the weather is going to shit. nothing will get in my way.

the important thing is to stuff myself with protein shakes, liquids, soup, and vegetables. and sleep. so that my appetite doesn't get crazier than it already is.

if i do go off the industrial shit completely, what would that look like. in may all the farmers markets will be back. once my paper is done i'd like to take the time to go to the coop in the southeast. no nabisco, no mondelez, no "byf", no quaker cinnamon apple rice cakes in three bags of plastic.

my computer did, it seems, finally break. i'm using the new one but its sound is so pathetic, but i'm lazy to send it back and try another; i dunno. my mother has informed me she's visiting pdx end of march. i didn't answer as to whether i'll be here. i seriously considered shutting myself in my room and telling her i was travelling so i wouldn't run into her and break her heart but also wouldn't have to see her. i'm angry she's coming. i feel under attack. i know it's not fair to feel that way, but that's the way it is. i can't even talk about it. i can't process it right now. i can't.

tried to watch i, tonya. it sucked. i can't tell if these movies are the result of lazy writing or a belief that the audience is incapable of understanding anything. both no doubt. just because the talking to the camera cum exposition worked in wolf of wallstreet, they feel like they have unlimited license to it, and it's never worked since. it also felt like it was written by men who felt more comfortable writing dialogue for the abusive male characters than for tonya. she had so little interiority. i watched nancy kerrigan's, oksana baiul's, and surya bonaly's 1994 olympics routines. bonaly did a backflip, then, when the program was over, with a rose or something wrapped in tissue paper in her hand, she did another before exiting the ice. poor tonya. but that's not quite right. she did something. apparently she's from here. was that foster powell? anyway..good luck out there.
 
Discussion starter · #92 ·
6:30pm. i don't know what i was watching or reading but one character said to the other that they--the person they were talking to--had told them that they wanted to die, and the other person said, i just meant the pain was so much that it felt unbearable. i feel the opposite. i just genuinely don't like living. i feel very little pain, or rather, i am always feeling pain, but it's so, so mild. i just don't like any of this. sometimes, like now, i feel like the only thing i like is eating food, but being fat makes me miserable. the only other thing i like, or would, if i ever experienced it, is love. i don't think i'm capable of breaking through this isolation. i've soaked in it too long. plus the mental illness. plus i'm ugly. my mind is going: i wish it were more normal for ppl to k*** themselves, that it was treated as their business, and it wouldn't be something, some unhealable trauma, that happened to everyone around them. i could just tap out, lead my premise to its logical conclusion, barely a blip on the radar. the weight of all these people, it feels unfair. listen, i tried. anyway i, for a time, endured. but this just isn't for me. none of it. i'm giving nothing and it's doing nothing for me. let life be left to the living. that's just my mind though. i'm plodding thru, ugly dumb beast that i am, none of it's unbearable.
 
Discussion starter · #93 ·
1:31pm. "first wearable device for vocal fatigue senses when your voice needs a break" people will do literally anything but defeat capitalism. we treat people like objects to tweak, endlessly divisible, dissectable like only unalive things are. earlier today i screenshotted: "the average american tenant is rent burdened. here's what that means for the economy." for the economy? how about what it means for the average american tenant? but that's merely an indicator. the real god, the real Being, the Substance, the Final Cause, the permanent and holy thing, is immaterial. the economy. the country. etc. i have a bad habit of scrolling google news. if i could uninstall it i would. but it's baked into the phone structure, a tab that's always open. they know i've been writing about inductive reasoning; they have an article i might like. penn badgley has an endless amount of new things to say, each of which deserves a dozen headlines.

i was late to the library today. i woke up at 4 and motivated myself back into sleep, or indecisived myself back into sleep, playing Willie Muse and then Hakim on youtube and lying back, imagining the two possibilities, get up, do steps, have this not fully present feeling - plus extra appetite - or go back to sleep, wake with more energy and less time. it took awhile but i eventually fell asleep.

like a total amateur, i decided i had to keep much of the original stuff i'd cut out from that old draft i found of section 1. i made it till 11:45am or so (i remember looking at the clock when the writing tutor behind me said "do you have some time" to her tutee), but really i'd stopped working before that. maybe i can do a two-part day, smoke at the beginning of lunch, then eat and exercise and sober up by the second part. for now, going in for a few hours each morning is what i'm - barely - capable of.

it's snowing. j texted or wouldn't have noticed. thankfully i missed it. i put on thermals and tights and layers and other than not having a proper scarf i managed the cold. it'll get colder tomorrow, but i guess it's not that bad.
 
Discussion starter · #94 ·
9:18am. i had a great dream. this girl from college, yet another j, don't remember her last name. i'll call her ja. were we on a boat? a bunch of people on a boat? and i had this little notebook, one of those 2" by 4" floppy little things. (in vlore i bought this one that was sparkly pink and said something like "follow your dreams.") and she found it and numbered the pages and she came up behind me and wrapped her arm around me, on the top of my chest, sort of like a wrestler lock shape. she said she liked one i wrote on a certain page number and i was trying to find it. then i suppose i did find it though in my mind - with that impotence of dreamself - i was still trying to read it but couldn't, and i said something, and she said something, and i said "when did i say i liked you" and we were both laughing and her arm was still around me. and our faces were near and then i turned away because i thought my breath stank. even in dreams, i swear. femcel thru and thru. and i still consider that a great dream. i can still feel the soft rippled water, that turquoise color of southern waters, the nose of the boat parting without parting the sky. and being close to someone who thought something i did was special.

of course two days of consistency and portland, which never collects snow, has a full snowstorm and the library's closed. i am trying to work on my computer at home, with no microsoft office, etc. microsoft word is vastly superior, and refuses to be compatible with anything else. everything makes me angry. j said it was snowman weather. i hope he's making a snowman today.
 
Discussion starter · #95 ·
3:57pm. 2 exact weeks until due date. that awful school feeling. if it works to get me to actually finish it, then fine i'll feel it. i need to finish section 1 tomorrow. it's so hard to focus. i crave marijuana all day; i need to last sober longer. 2 weeks.

when narcissists call themselves "empaths," i feel like i know what they mean. it's like someone's sadness is your own. i resent it. i hate being permeable.

i have done some negotiating with myself. i have decided i can live with 125lbs. i'm overweight now (i didn't weigh myself this morning, but i imagine it would've shot me the old "142.6," old bmi like 26 i think), and even the higher end of "normal" bmi is in a scientific way overweight for me; i can feel it. 125lbs might still be a little above the scientific health ideal range (let alone fitness), but it feels doable. and maybe just maybe if i set a realistic goal - one i've achieved countless times at that - i can get there, do the subtler work of maintaining, and move on, build a life for myself. because this may be the first time i've actually even wanted to build one. to connect. i feel like, despite being lonely this whole time - say since kimberly and i stopped being friends in like first grade - i've had it in the back of my mind to protect myself first. maybe it's an illusion due to the memory loss of heavy marijuana use. maybe i've felt like this dozens of times that i can no longer recall. or maybe it's that i've really gotten so old i objectively see no point in being skinny. it's now just a trade off, collagen or collar bones, ha. (i don't actually like collar bones since my shoulders are so annoyingly wide they mean nothing, but i've been in these spaces so long,) no but i don't think i've craved real connection in at least a very long time. crave like i can anticipatorily taste it.

something physionic (youtuber who goes over scientific studies about health and weight loss like it's somebody's kink (or is that just me?)) said is sticking in my mind. it was this study where participants lost weight and their hormones were tracked. and the various hormones that produce satiety/reduce appetite didn't restore to initial levels. whatever. i just want to live life according to my values. i want to be fearless. i was supposed to be fearless. my second choice is 137lbs. my third is 140.x which is only a couple pounds away and could be accomplished with a few tweaks. i'm ready for "acceptance." once my paper's done, that's the next task. it's always the next task. but i'm totally about to be done with it.
 
Discussion starter · #96 ·
7:51pm. no one will be surprised that i did not, in fact, finish section 1 today. made some progress. tomorrow for sure. i'm so disappointed at how incomplete it is, i mean how incomplete it's destined to be. i just don't have the concentration.

i need to push myself not to click onto other things - lately, minesweeper and, as always, youtube. yes, true, it won't be the great thing i wanted it to be in my head. but just finishing is a big deal for me. i still mourn this essay i started about the show "the girlfriend experience" that i lost it when i lost my student account. i was in a chaotic place (what's new) and didn't have the wits about me to figure out how to transfer data or to email the admins who closed the account early (after, to be fair, giving me an extension.)

the point is, it's not gonna be that great thing that only things that don't exist can be. it's not gonna be great at all. it'll just be great to finish it. that's enough. tomorrow section 1.

i'm tired. probably should take my multivitamins. i swear i start cramping a week, sometimes more, before my period. my calendar says it starts in 6 (i think) days. and i haven't been drinking any coffee. was it correct to stop drinking coffee specifically when i'm finishing a paper? i don't have time for that question right now. need to focus on sticking to the project.
 
Discussion starter · #97 ·
7:11am. 145.9lbs. 145.9lbs. 145.9lbs. you stupid fucking cunt. i was looking ugly so i got the urge to weigh myself.

but i need to focus on my paper now. that is the highest weight i've weighed on that scale. i remember getting to 145.6lbs last round of posts. i am literally the stupidest bitch in the world. me hi. seriously thinking i can freestyle with three types of processed snacks on my bedside, fixing one sentence in my paper every four hours.

ok ok ok ok. i'm back. i am most concerned about my paper. today i'm finishing section 1. i don't think no youtube / no minesweeper is totally necessary, but i'm going to try my hardest not to take pauses for long periods of times.

for the last few days i've just been doing 7k steps and some jumping jacks. going to try to get to 15k today. i'm at 589 so far. that's 150min or so of walking...hm. or maybe i'll go to the gym. show my fat ass and fat face and ogre jaw line. ok ok ok. 7:17am. say i work/ stay sober till 8pm. fucking gym closes at 8pm like a little portland bitch. umm. anyway, by 7:30 (unrealistic?) i want everything shut down but my paper. 7:35. gonna , see if there's a last video on youtube to play, do some more steps, do about well at least 500 per hour. i can save walking till after my paper. can do a bunch of jumping jacks or other cardio if i don't make it to gym. if i do make it to gym, which annoyingly can't be after work/sober time, then maybe i should work later. ummm. ok, probably not going to gym. but maybe. and going to be as focused on my paper all day, with about 500 steps+ per hour, and limited off-time. Gym maybe. 5 days till period, let it be at least partly increased retention. paper. ok. paper.
 
Discussion starter · #98 ·
8:07pm. did not finish section. ugh. i can literally feel fat cells bubbling up, gorging and expanding in my thighs. i bought coffee. i'm at 7679 steps so far. it took a second, but i figured out i could get a microsoft word trial. i put everything i think i want to include in the section in the word doc. tomorrow the task is to put it altogether, smooth it out. so yet again, plan is to finish section tomorrow. everybody else on this site is flagellating themselves over the tiniest shit and i am just actually a shitty person. and i'm self-indulgent. where is the forum for that. vulnerable narcissists support forum? the old ways of thinking have receded like 95% - in the sense that, out of habit, there is a flood of thoughts, sort of shooting at me everyday, that have to do with this area, food, body, weight, but they have no intensity. (another 1/3 of my brain is devoted to flashing embarrassing memories. where is groupon lobotomy in 2023?) i'm literally sitting here, having weighed in at whatever the fuck weight today and - meh. i care but i don't. i'm interested in other people's experiences but maybe i'm as usual a tourist. i have no clue where to go. i can't navigate the internet. the most obvious sites, tumblr, twitter, reddit, are not for me. and when i write in my diary it still feels like it's inside me taking up space. so. thoughts. wheels are turning.
 
Discussion starter · #99 ·
8:47am. happy sunday. about to start. feels like sunday. how am i at a high weight - overweight - and near my period and .. happy? is this random and fleeting. is it the mysterious ways of god. that my happy hormones only fill up when i'm overweight. if i leave this forum, i need a creative outlet. talking in my sleep just doesn't do it for me anymore. will some guy look at me and then turn his head and i'll suddenly feel the need to go back to feeling miserable about being fat. is this blog therapy working. is my dilettante anti-fatphobia dbt showing results. right now i see the future. i stay here till november and work enough to save some money. i go back to yonkers, live at home, have a as a friend, which given my minimalist social needs is enough, find some low stress job that keeps my vegetables organic, maybe and maybe never meet a woman, and this whole interim, this whole interruption, this whole intermission is just a wayward wandering.. dramatic me wants to say my iraq, my vietnam; really me? hilariously, after i wrote the last post, youtube recommended a video called "self hatred is a form of narcissism" (as if i didn't know!) and the yter goes over this story david foster wallace wrote specifically about me, or a version of me that doesn't have social anxiety to prevent me from spewing these narcissitic self-depracation rants to in real life people, and has the whatever, money, wits, to have a therapist. psu has easy to register for and affordable for classes, that's the one thing that might keep or bring me back here. planning to start at 9 so that's in three minutes. signing off(ish).
 
Discussion starter · #100 ·
8pm, yes exactly. if only on the grace of a generous handicap i'm crediting myself the w. it's still unmistakably a draft, but it is coherentish, cohesive-like, it has a beginning middle and end, and even though there are about a million things i originally thought about putting in that didn't make it, it's got enough parts that i think it comes together. do i quite get its essentialness to the overarching topic of the paper other than just prefering philosophy to history and epistemology to eugenics (maybe it's just me)? too tired to consider now. feel tired. how to describe. let's take a puff and see if words come out...

anyway, we're calling it a draft. that means tomorrow i start on section 2. the fun part where i start to internalize the eugenics ideology i'm writing about and get overwhelmed by the sense that i'm a defective who shouldn't exist and i'm a woman so my brain is too small and.. no no, none of that. i'm cured mate. i'm hoping it will be easier than section 1 but why would it be? i remember having a lot of difficulty organizing the different bodies of info from the two main sources; they overlap but they're different. but we're (what's up with me thinking as a we? i dunno) going to hope that clarity just comes. as for section 3, i blatantly think it to be stupid. but i think it helps provide an arc. hopefully the fact that i think it's stupid will mean i have enough detachment to be able to rush it through in day or two. because the next section's long. the next section is really three sections. i considered cutting the other two sections out and making the next section its own paper. is reciting any of this helpful? no. i'm psyching myself out. it'll be easy. i'll make it short and sweet.

last night the paper ideas were bouncing around in my head and i was going a little crazy. i'm getting insight on how i can get a little crazy if i go too long trying to handle abstract thought. i pulled myself back. i just said, i'm not going to think about this until tomorrow when i start work again. and magically, i was cured. woww. aren't we just maturing at the rate of carbon-14 decomposition. it's something i guess.
 
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