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Discussion starter · #41 ·
honestly, as if if i keep writing here i'll conjure her in my dms. speak, memory. not to me, to her. of all the cities we saw, the minds we grasped. the suffering deep in my heart at sea. you called yourself my wife, waiting for me. memory take that day away from me at least. i was too fragile then to hear that. it conjures things.

(which reminds me) ojala. oh my god. that one dude on tinder saying he wanted to learn silvio rodriguez. the male race IS a monolith actually.

she flirted. she definitely flirted. what an ugly word. but flirting in the spirit of the word is like lying. you have to have a baseline of their communication styles. she did not flirt.

i refuse to call myself, to affirm the spontaneous suggestion in my mind that i'm, disgusting for still being in this stupid place.

i sat back on my bed, pillows propped on the no doubt lead- or mercury-covered radiator and sighed, if i never get a girlfriend at least, thank the gods, i don't have a boyfriend, and never have to have one again.

and does it matter, the question, was there something in her anticipating the effect these images would produce in me? i do it too. we all need, we all crave beyond self-control, validation. we need a whole ugly chocolate box of different disgusting chocolates of validation. the gooey bitter cherry, the slimy caramel, the anise (nuff said).

i don't want to speak to memory. some other goddess i suspect sappho had on "recents," to cure me. i really do. my commitment flags, obviously, i bring myself melodramatically to tears, she rages back just as i avow. i want to do a whole ritual to cure myself of her. (when you look back on all the things you thought were romantic and see the ragged reality of mental illness, a perhaps cliched cinematic technique that to my mind never gets old).

i amuse myself fine. desperation sneaks up on me.

now to the other half of my personality.

first as transition. a hot girl weirdly swiped right on tinder, no doubt as a mistake, prank, or social experiment. and i think (but i tend to paranoia) the lockers in one of her pictures match the gym i just joined. i will be looking at the ground at all times.

jan 9 i wanna be starting something. the paper, bam, the weight loss, bam, the getting fit and maintaining an adequate income to finance my plans, bam. patience, discipline, faith, and love for the present moment. i don't know if i mentioned this before, but i've been feeling lately that i've chemically lifted out of depression, at least the level i was at before. i have ideation all the time, and the gnawing sense that there's nothing for me to live for, don't deserve, etc. etc., sadness, mood swings, sure. but. like my mind feels a little more awake, my psychosoma a little less averse to every little stimulus. even pleased sometimes, like a high that is separate from the frankly disappointing one marijuana any longer provides. stop rambling. which reminds me. for the sake of all the "bam" im planning, i'd like to leave of marijuana entirely, but i do think it plays a part in the baseline chemical shit. i'm hoping that exercise and a rigorous commitment to adequate sleep might be enough not to need it. but i've decided never to commit to not doing it, especially during the premenstrual fuckery days. 6 hours of paper per day, 2000 Calories of energy expenditure, 1000 or fewer Calories of intake, protein shakes plus maybe soup, starting higher calorie (up to 1500?) to transition. first weigh-in january 23. i still have two days to come up with a fuller plan. i really need an a-z. for all the contingencies, the weather, my mood, anxiety, my body, my energy levels. also getting rid of some non-regulation food, even tho none of my rules are unbreakable because my health and happiness come first always. i will never force myself to do anything again, more or less.
 
Discussion starter · #42 ·
no but seriously why hasn't she texted yet. i'm writing to her directly, so to speak.

it is 10pm pacific standard time, and i am supposed to be prepared for my big start tomorrow. i shopped and bought soporific teas. soporific, jesus. my brain is at half mast. no reason, it just came down or something. i was going to uninstall tinder, then in a mini storm i started to talking to a couple people. a girl from serbia. a girl from oklahoma. none of us are from here. same with the two girls i was talking to last time, one of whom got back to me after i uninstalled last time. still thinking of restarting contact.

i would start at 4am and have a hard but short day, but i am meeting the ex for a gym date. i want to have energy. i lowkey loved using the strength machines the two times we've gone up there so far.

i am feeling pretty balanced, in my body, in my appetite, in my energy levels, in my moods (tho they are still volatile). going on a diet regime could risk that balance. i am putting myself first. although i have these plans and ideas, i am putting myself first. i don't have to do any of this. i can do whatever i want at any time.

i'm sleepy. i'll make some minimum decisions by 12am, then go to sleep and start the soft launch tomorrow. as usual, the paper will no doubt be the thing that gets bumped.
 
Discussion starter · #43 ·
6:50pm. went to the gym. he ran 30 minutes late, and i spent a long time on the strength machines (he did some but mostly walked around with me), so we ran into rush hour. anxiety up. i get easily overstimulated. i start laughing, making facial expressions, and talking to myself in the street. i don't know how to deflate. why aren't most people like this. why isnt there an option on email, text, tinder, etc. equivalent to not home. back in my day when you needed to not be home you just don't answer the door or phone. but we all need a not socializing right now message... what would be the tactful way to put it. needing 24 hours of silence or no contact with a person at any random moment should be normalized, not a slight. half the time it's the opposite. i like you enough that talking to you is starting to scare me. scared of showing my boring, weird, empty, disappointing self. i need people not to exist for about 7 days. but that's not the plan right now. i have to harden a little. i have big virgin energy even as i'm literally chaperoned by my ex-boyfriend around the gym. virgin in a bad way. maybe my standards have gone down but the gym seems to be full of hot people. i don't feel intimidated because--and maybe it's my just how i'm feeling lately or something but--they seem to be giving off really nice vibes. just no judgment one way or the other. just happy people going to the gym. it wasn't the same at 24 hour fitness. it's depressing there, i'm realizing. no wonder i didn't like going. the screech of ellipticals past their prime.

with all the let's-call-it-glycogen of the pre-diet let's-call-it-ritual, i feel like i might have 60 minutes of cardio in me for tomorrow. i have to do the dishes tonight. i have to start a regimen soon. i'm writing every day for a week hoping she writes to me. let the whole world know about my eating fixation. tell no one i'm actually superstitious. (that was a meaningless joke.) i don't know if i'm on my 3rd or 4th protein shake. he said we'll meet at the gym again wednesday unless his shift gets paired, which it might. i'm not sure i'm ready to go the machines alone, but why not. not that i need to go as soon as wednesday. just starting, it's better to take more than one day off, though one day is probably enough. 2 sets of 10 reps at the 2nd or 3rd setting on like a dozen machines, taking my time. i didn't have much conversation in me. i was anxious. and i spent it on tinder. i know it'll be a few days before i come down from this overstimulation.
 
Discussion starter · #44 ·
oh wow the cringe of hovering my arrow over my blog link. the first post. i saw the words "desperate" and "lonely" and um we're going to leave it at that and walk away. as if that's not every post. but that's a lot of people, loneliness, desperation.

there are dms in my tinder. nothing could avert swipe frenzy like dms to avoid. i'm not sure i if i asked one of them out when said maybe we could play chess some time. i don't know why but the exclamation mark in the response felt terrifying. it occurs to me that the best thing to do now is leave these conversations behind, wait a little longer, attend to a few things to make me feel more ready to pursue meaningful connections or whatever kind of connections beyond chatting on the tinder app. they were fine, it was fun, until it was scary, but at this point no one's scathed and i really think i just need a few more weeks. not for weight loss, just for basic shit. i don't like that i'm a ghoster. the first step is admitting it. i still really like that girl who eventually wrote back last time, after i'd uninstalled. i keep thinking, what if i had a friend, a lesbian friend, who actually read deleuze. like that would make me happy. i'm interested in so few things. where am i going to find another deleuze reader. i want friends. i can start conversations, more or less. and i recognize that i need to take more steps if i want to actually make it real irl socializing. but i need just a few more weeks at least, to fix my skin, my apartment, my narrative. i know my psyche will always want to make an excuse. i still think about that impossibly pretty girl i was talking to seven years ago, who asked to talk on the phone. and the girl who was going to clubs every weekend. i never could seem to make it. (while i ........... of a man, because that seemed like the most comfortable thing to do at the time.) or the worst when a coworker said in front of every one (it felt like, tho it wasn't) they knew a girl i had been talking to on tinder. the gay panic, i was frozen. never met her either. no one. fuck, do i forge ahead? i can't.

there's someone from my college (my first one) on tinder i've seen a couple times. they had good vibes in college, one of the few. if they come up again, maybe we'll match. maybe i could process my baggage from that place ha. that sounds nice. i watched mindy kaling's hbo show. it looked so much like my college. it was stressful to watch. that whole shitshow im still out of commission from (sure there were other factors but). i did have one or two affectionate memories pop up.

i woke up in the 4's of the morning. i felt like weighing. 140.4. i've been sort of hungry for sugar so i had two bananas on top of 3.6 shakes (one i fucked up and lost some of).if i were 143.5 i'd be ready to attempt 2lbs/week indefinitely but since it's 3.1 lbs lower i feel fine with 1.2-1.5lbs/week. 14k steps. around two combo gym visits (cardio + strength, with the ex ideally), and thinking of adding maybe two 60 minute cardios in addition. maybe i'll try a class. i'd like a queer gym friend, a few mentioned in their profiles. but again i'm just not ready... i'll also have to add work, 3 deliveries per day, in a few weeks. need to clean house. i also want to get into the library this week. my brother didn't text back about lending his credentials to use the college library computers. i hope the visitor ones will allow me hours at a time because this hobbled laptop is not the move for getting my 20+ tabs-at-a-time paper finally fucking finished. i still am not sure what sort of schedule, especially because i get overexposed so easily. i'm turning her over in my head until our friendship sounds far away and strange like a repeated word. i still hope she texts me out of the blue. of all the people in the world i ghosted her.

feel like i'm missing something but oh well
 
Discussion starter · #45 ·
are my thoughts getting less cogent because i went on a diet. i am tempted to try a different approach, a multidimensionally healthier approach. like what if i could exit all of this. bet'cha on land. on the verge of normalcy, relatively balanced in my body, starting a healthy exercise regimen, less encumbered by social and financial constraints than i've ever been--i could cultivate this, i could use this to start addressing the big issues. therapy. the gay wall. social life. getting my ish together, finding a compromise between what people expect adults to have to be upstanding society and anti-consumerist, frugal eclectic migrant minimalism (that aesthetic sounds terrible, and so i guess it makes sense that i haven't been pulling it off. basically i want a compromise between my values and anti-work lifestyle and the basic things like furniture in my apartment that are sort of necessary to stand tall and not be judged by.... girls. ok. i just want to look normal enough for girls to like me.) today weigh in was 139.1. fine, but don't totally get 1.3 lbs day to day. didn't do anything but steps yesterday. worked out today with x. felt ugly. i have a zero draft to send to one of the tinders, but can't seem to work out the logistics. scared to talk to the other because i'm even more scared of her. i think i just can't. i need help. i need a friend for counsel. i can't talk to him about it, because i wouldn't trust his advice--or maybe i dunno, maybe he's better than nothing, and he is considerate which i'd want in someone giving this advice. and but i don't like his male gaze comments. it's often just encouragement but it feels not good. i dunno maybe. i'm stuck. i don't want to retreat, but it's so automatic to start a diet. we'll see how things go. need to do some cleaning today or tommorow, go to library friday. have had 3 shakes and a banana. will have another shake and / or banana. running out of filtered water which is super annoying. i have to constantly replenish. i guess i'm thinking about her less. my hope is fading. it's seeming stupid.
 
Discussion starter · #46 · (Edited)
the orignal post was just too much, i had to at least take some out. but i'm keeping this shit about the hydration bitch i don't care.

this bitch has “hydration goals.” you don’t deserve to live in new york!!!! this bitch has hydration goals and she’s monetizing them to the tune of a luxury apartment in gentrified brooklyn with a painfully unfair skyline view of manhattan. i despise this bitch. i subscribe to this bitch’s podcast. i couldn’t listen to more than a few minutes, not because i hate her, but because i feel embarrassed for her. i mean someone should be. i’ll probably go back when the initial cringe tension relaxes, and i feel immunized and ready to go with it. because i’m like trying to draw inspiration from these sources. they are experts of sort. lifestyle vloggers get paid to be model consumers. they are arranged amongst an array of products, which like a friendly corporate robot they proceed to articulately describe with a delighted smile. habits for consumption too. they sometimes add the words “not sponsored” to a certain description, as if their entire opinion-scape has not already been conceded to sponsorship. you are an entirely sponsored human being. there is nothing out of your mouth that is not sponsored. you are literally the subway-honda guy on community, but with no heart or soul or brain to impede your functioning. you sponsored your way into my fucking city, and i’m hiding away in a b-side town. i watch every video. i never like or subscribe. i stare at the subscriber count willing it to stay as low as possible. i have to pause because again some things are just too embarrassing to witness. i as a rule cannot watch vloggers with other people. i get so tense watching spontaneous social interactions recorded when the people involved know there’s a camera.

angry mood. doesn’t feel bad. just feels like delight in being semi-righteously evil in my thoughts.

morning weight 138.3.

today i have decided she actually doesn’t like me. like basically like me. like every time i talked about something i was interested in she was not interested. i could find almost anything she’s interested in interesting. like would i ever have developed a deep love of gossip girl and taylor swift if i hadn’t been in her room with the gossip girl book on her bed, if she hadn’t been in mine showing me “blank space” for the first time. i do wonder. would i ever have watched all seasons of teenage mother or whatever that shailene woodley show was called, and maybe instead of not being able to get past a few episodes, i might’ve really liked dawson’s creek or felicity or buffy the vampire slayer, if i had ever watched them with her. other things too, like how she wears flowers. i never used to like flowers in fashion. anyway i just have to realize that this, this here, is the probably just the first and only real crush i’ve ever had. i have to see that. all the extremely obsessive crushes i’ve had have not represented real feelings. they have had no sexual dimension to them, for one. for another i basically did not know them. sometimes literally did not know them. those "crushes" were little or nothing more than escapist coping mechanisms. these feelings came from somewhere real. nevertheless, what this is is a crush.

but and even tho she meant more to me than i did to her, that doesn’t mean i meant nothing. i mean our friendship was real, right? i mean there was a reason she called me in particular last year, beyond being a miscellaneous out-of-the-scene friend to dump some thoughts and feelings on that no one who matters would ever find out about? i can’t know that. i hope her fiance is a better fiance these days. i can’t know that. when is she going to become mrs. whatever-his-last-name-is. i can’t know that. how does she really feel about the corporation she’s shilling even on her personal facebook. never need to know that. how does she really feel about life. how happy is she. i need to know that, but i may never. that one will stick.

i wish she hadn’t said she’d been thinking about me since “before the pandemic.” that would have been over a year. that must’ve been a lie, an exaggeration, a meaningless thing to say. it’s just words i have to mostly not think about. that’s the only solution. it’s like i’m not human and i have no understanding of what friendship is, at least when it comes to her. everything must have extra, portentous, romantic meaning like it’s in a movie, or it means nothing, doesn’t exist. platonic friends think about each other. platonic friendship is an important kind of connection. unfortunately some things really are no homo. and, since i have steadfastly tried to hide my feelings (except when i wrote "i love you in every, too many ways” in the middle of a long facebook message over a decade ago), there’s no reason to expect her to expect me to want to read into a statement like that. anyway, i’m fully aware it was never a valid ‘reading.’ it was fanfic written against my will inside my head nearly the instant she said that to me.

this is me, in my 30s, learning how to build closure when you can’t have the person you want it from provide it. there is magic lost in growing up. my body has grown, but i can’t seem to allow myself to go through it. we were supposed to be friends forever. we were supposed to be best friends forever. she said she was the most loyal person ever. honestly, it was all my fault. honestly it’s time. maybe i’m ready…

i know these blog posts are pretty much unreadable. i just feel like my thoughts need to be as here and there as they are. (i cleaned this up a bit tho). i've had 1-2 bananas (i really can't remember) and black coffee today. i need to finish my steps.finished my steps. i need to have at least one shake. we may go to the gym tomorrow, but he might work instead. have to do more cleaning, but i did some today. going to make a list of cleaning supplies to up the cleaning quality and efficiency. it's time wendy.

a wave of something and i love her all over again. new york from the manhattan bridge is always new york for the first time. everything was possibility. i need to get a fucking life. nick carraway was gay and jordan was just a coping mechanism (all hot takes stolen). i miss you.
 
Discussion starter · #47 ·
is this day 7 or 8. i have decided i might just reach out to her, because what happened was sort of potentially excusable, understandable, forgivable. first of all, her/our communication had already fallen off. but the real thing is i was actually legimately completely overwhelmed by my reality at that moment, leaving my little crush entirely out of it. i was living with my ex and binging and going to hotels to work on my paper and be alone, during which i would restrict and come home and he would say i look "skinny," and i would binge again. every hour seemed so long. my plan was to finish my paper before i talked to her, because at that point i would feel more ready to add things to my plate and not get too overwhelmed and fuck them up. but even tho i have still not finished my paper, i do feel less overwhelmed. so i'm really thinking about it. it's too important a friendship not to try to save, and everything i wrote here in this blog was just exaggeration. my moods go this way and that, and sometimes i wake up and it's totally alien.

i really was in a hard place. i think i need to grant myself that validity. and i think she could understand that. one problem is if i reach out first, that means i have to express affection for her first. usually i confine myself to i miss you too, i love you too, i like talking to you too, or the one i cringe at: "i miss new york." when i say "i miss new york" to her, i 100% do not mean i miss new york. but if i express affection first, i worry how it will come off. maybe she will see it in my face, if she somehow never saw it before. what is that book where the two characters meet again and the author describes the look on one's face as if they had seen the other clearly every day since they'd last met, because they'd been thinking about them that often. you see i just love that type of shit. i just need to make sure i stop grafting it onto real life. i don't even think i want to fall in love. i'm scared of it. i'm scared of mutual relationships, and why wouldn't i be. they go so awfully wrong. all this melodrama in my head leaves my life calm.

i couldn't fall asleep until the wee hours, last night, due to yesterday's caffeine all day and little food, 1-2 bananas and a shake, plus i didn't do 1 cup sleepytime plus 1 cup sleepytime extra as i had the nights before, plus i got myself riled up on thoughts. i woke up when was it, i don't know. in the 8's i think. my pee was super yellow so i drank what was left in the thrive bottle, i'd say 2/3, before weighing. it was 137.5. i don't expect to go down soon because yesterday's diet was anomolous. i'm going to wait till two week have gone by before i attempt to see what pace of weight loss makes sense for the longer term.

went to gym today with ex. so far i've had one shake. i bought 2lbs of frozen broccoli and a bagel at whole foods. i'm craving overmicrowaved broccoli with soy sauce. replenish my salts. i'll freeze the bagel and eat it when i decide i want to.

after talking it over with the blog yesterday- though i might have deleted that part- i decided to share with my ex my tinder venturing. i made sure to say i'm only looking at girls or i knew he would off. the girl with the photo of our gym (i think) wrote me, so i also didn't want to write back withuot telling him about it, in case there was some sort of run in. it's good, letting go, but i always need to set boundaries, and we were never the best at those.
 
Discussion starter · #48 ·
woke up around 6. 137.5. appetite big today. thirst too. i had 6-7 shakes, i lost track, and finished the bag of broccoli. no doubt it will be higher tomorrow. 14k steps and nothing else. laying in bed yelling at gossip girl 2021 for being so phoned in.
 
Discussion starter · #49 ·
woke up at 4:39am. 138.3. even when you predict it, it still hurts. i had another half frozen banana before sleeping because i was hungry and wanted to make sure i fell asleep. today i am once again hungry. i'm hoping it's temporary. maybe just my stomach big on broccoli. i've had 4 shakes and some frozen fruit on its own. i might have two more. that bagel in the freezer is taking up storage space in my brain. 4 shakes is already 100g, or almost. j got mushrooms from a coworker. i sampled a couple, because if they're strong i don't want us to take too much. i don't really feel ready to trip. i had bad trips on weed cookies i made for christmas. i did some cleaning today, and apparently tomorrow is a holiday so i can finish tomorrow and start going to the library in the morning on tuesday. i have also decided i will text. waiting till a work day, so if she does respond there's less chance of an extended conversation right away, and if she doesn't i can tell myself it's because she's busy. i feel like this whole process of whining and going to extremes on here cured me of my crush. maybe that's sus. i ordered yoga mats for me and j. we are going to do yoga because he has back pain. i would like to do two youtube ab workouts per week. the possibility of us fucking is... it's easier to fantasize about him because there's footage in my memory. i don't get it. it's really quirking up the whole lesbianization process. i'm not sure the smart way to handle our relationship. but i'm not going to do anything without thinking it through, plus talking out the issues involved. the old messiness is out. and he's terrible about the issues, which is why we can't have nice things.
 
Discussion starter · #50 ·
4:40am. we interrupt this program for breaking news. 136.8. i am officially "healthy" according to the new bmi. shrooms stayed hitting till like 10:30pm so hopefully i go back to sleep.
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Discussion starter · #51 ·
on fourth shake. also had a little frozen fruit. need to frontload shakes. i want to stay ahead of hunger. i wasn't hungry this morning but if i had kept up throughout the day maybe i wouldn't have hunger now. craving cabbage soup. i am transitioning to putting weight loss in the background. i am craving true healthy weight loss. not the scientific mastery of the elements. i want life. i want to think about things. important things. beautiful things. i want to think about other people. narcissism is getting a little one-note.

i drifted off half way thru I Know What You Did Last Summer. finished this morning. i was worried i'd do something like that. turn on a movie that deserves to be watched in the proper manner and only make it half way. it's at once iconic and like low energy--time lapses, some intermittent stabbing... but somehow it just all comes together as a "good movie." good movies make me grateful. they are just the best. like somehow the shot of a beige bevel siding house is so captivating. the confidence to take your time. then i watched some stupid netflix doc. then i watched closer. of course they put the thumbnail of portman with the pink wig when that is the only splash of color in the movie, but i don't mind a 2000's beige sometimes. didn't pay too much attention but, unless i missed something, it was a bad movie. i love those 90s 2000s moving aerial shots though. all of them have it. clive owens (had to look his name up) character once again sending my sexuality into confusion, love that for me.

yoga mat arrived. i feel so self-cared for. ima build something.
 
Discussion starter · #52 ·
5:18pm. woke up at 3 (fucking) am this morning. 136.0. also couldn't fall asleep, because the weed is running out of my system and so is the sense that "my depression is over." i am going to tough it but the thoughts ouch. embarrassed myself multiple times at the gym. i am a mess. but i'm fine. i'm fine. i have faith. etc. i'm drinking my fifth shake.
 
Discussion starter · #53 ·
9:43pm. woke up at 3:30 am. 134.6. approved in vague terms of moderate diet deviation upon 1.6lb drop overnight + lack of sleep. another short night. 5 hours i think. i decided i wanted to see the whale, and i invited him. 4pm. last night i decided to text her, and in the flurry of anxiety i finally cleaned the house before finally doing it, during which i found two tiny pieces of weed. after smoking them, i awoke with the depression once again gone. leading me to the decision to have it in my system. however i am delirious from the few nights of lack of sleep. i cried during the movie and cried this morning watching "never have i ever" and cried when i was having a conversation when he came over after. we discussed, among other things, the possibility of fucking. even though he agreed to all my terms, i'm left unsure. the phrasing begins to say it: he agreed to my terms.

i texted her and she responded. i can't go further in detail right now. i hopefully will sleep till around 1:30pm and then head to gym, do steps after. if i don't reach 14k, i have some extra ks from other days i can mentally lend.
 
Discussion starter · #54 ·
8:12am. i'll do my post now instead of later. bed around 11 maybe, woke up at 6:40am or so. feel less tired.if i'm eating less, and getting nutrition etc., maybe i don't need as much sleep. dr. mcdougall said as much: the less you eat the less you sleep. that skinny potato-loving elf. 134.6 again. i was emotionally overwrought yesterday. i cried and told him how i'd felt bad about...well i still feel bad so i won't say it right now. i was annoyed with him when he entered my apartment to drop off his bike before walking to the cinema. he began on some story on his yahoo news feed (no doubt) about a criminal gang leader whose chest skin some doctor got made into shoes. i need to reorient when somebody entering my space etc. making it to the movie on time. etc. but he's going on and on and on and on (the story continues as we leave and walk) and i am trying not to show any agitation but i'm not making eye contact because it's getting to me. even though i prolonged our hangout, i kept feeling like we aren't on the same page. i tried to be a good listener and conversationalist--not cut him off or jump the gun or go into my own thoughts while he was talking. i thought about if this is just how i was. maybe lately moreso. too much rumination, my mind has grown stomachs. i remembered my maternal grandfather at some thanksgiving dinner, a few years before the end, talking and looking at me, all the way at the other end of the table, and someone asking why and he said "i like the way she listens." that was sweet. he said i was the smartest grandchild too. (least successful, but he didn't get a chance to witness that.) no, i think some times in life i have been a good listener. i thought about how it was talking to her. no, it's different. i like listening to her. i feel guilty, but i don't love talking to him. i make an effort. i try to be supportive. i try not to be controlling or pushy, or eager if he mentions plans of much-needed self-improvement. but we're on a deep level not on the same page. we are seeing each other three days in a row, and again on saturday potentially to do yoga. thankfully, i can notice and make adjustments: this is too much contact. he said something that killed me. maybe i'll write it another time. he said he wouldn't miss the opportunity to have sex with me, which makes me feel we aren't on the same page on that either. what really redflagged my brain was that he kept saying "i have to be careful" or even "we have to be careful." that presumed sloppiness annoyed me. i had deliberately planned to discuss this with him. i had been thoughtful about it. i don't need to "be careful." that whole era of hormonal desperation where our rocky chaotic mess of a relationship played out is over. i hated it, mostly.

texting her two nights ago--the only thing i want to say, since it's needless to mention my relief that the connection is not forever severed (especially in such cringily melodramatic terms as that)--is that i can't help but feel anxious, uncertain, bad, about the ending of the conversation. other details too i'm anxious about. i was texting her on my terrible cell phone that has the sim, thinking, wow, last time i talked to her, i still had this barely functional pos. there's a new one in my apartment, but the hotspot doesn't work as well because the third rule of capitalism as william burroughs pointed out, is "take everything back." i was making typos and not keeping up, and the conversation, even if superficial, was going well, i think. i'm always surprised when it's good and smooth talking to someone. finally, as my phone was starting to literally blur because it couldn't keep up with the texts and the internet links--the images were being shown on top of one another--i asked if i could text on my google voice number. i felt stupid about doing that. like a loser, still a loser since the last time i talked to her. and she said she was going to take a "quick shower but sure." then i said ok, then well it was good talking to you, still on the dumb phone. and we didn't talk after that, or since. i texted just my name from the google voice number and that also felt incredibly stupid. and i kept thinking, i keep thinking, that i should not have said something wrapping up the conversation like "it was good talking to you" when she said quick shower--implying she'd be back soon. and that i, partly deliberately though on impulse rather than decision, ignored the cue because of reasons, and maybe with just one stupid mistake, or two, ruined the whole dynamic and potential for us to keep talking. after talking i felt like i couldn't feel what i was feeling, other than self-criticizing. it's clear our friendship is on a more superficial level than it once was, and that saddens me. that it exists at all i am grateful for--i can't even process how grateful yet--but only if it's real. i feel like i don't have any insight into her side. maybe she secretly doesn't like me, but feels sorry for me, so she carries on the conversation, who knows. i had an impulse to decide that that was enough contact for months or years, but i'm leaving myself open to possibilities these days, even if my brain can't take complexity and uncertainty well. i have the space for it now. our friendship could build into something new, real. it might just be a shadow of a thing. but i'm not going to declare death early. things can build over time just the same as they can fade. (they say that time assuages.) i need to use the new cell phone and be a fucking adult. i have two devices, one for apps, that gleans onto the hotspot of the first one, which has two single properties of being at&t compatible and putting out a fast signal for my computer, tv (on which only netflix still operates), and second device. and about one single fledgling mb of storage to use sparingly. the new cell phone may put out a weaker hotspot but i need to be streaming shit less anyway and i'm tired of being so tediously messy.

it needs to be talked about: i STILL have not started the working on my paper plans. i have pulled out my desk, to a position that would better for working at. but i want to go to the library. i have a pleasant feeling about going, but i'm procrastinating. it's time to make a commitment. tomorrow will be 46 with no rain. i will go. i will orient myself. i am planning to work, but i give myself points just for starting the process. i have it in me.

i think about writing this paper and the level of restriction i practice. i want my brain to work good. but at the same time, maybe it's not such a big deal. i just need to put everything i have together in an organized way. i don't need to be pounding calories like a chess champion. before he left for home we went to the grocery store and i bought two wicked pizzas--i had been waiting for them to go on sale since they first appeared on the shelf at the dubious price of $9.49. they were buy one get one. three flavors, i almost got four. glad i didn't, because i had to open the boxes to fit them in my little freezer and they don't look promising. i also bought a purple stokes potato, since he always buy them here and i felt inspired, 2lbs of oatmeal, and an apple. (i ate the apple, as well as frozen fruit last night. also popcorn at the movie.) $14.81 for all of it--i was proud. of course i realize that his spending so much on groceries is partly the fact that he needs 50% more calories than i do just for maintenance. snap has nothing to say about that. these government websites are so funny when they say "if you're experiencing hardship or food shortage..." like dude.... if you know it's happening WHY ARE YOU LETTING IT. but i'll save my riled up for when i'm ready to do some shit. till then the wheels turn.

gym with him at 2. since i'm up i guess i'll do some steps. feeling mid but not bad.
 
Discussion starter · #55 ·
Emily Dickinson poem on my tiktok:

Her breast is fit for pearls,
But I was not a "Diver" –
Her brow is fit for thrones
But I have not a crest.

Her heart is fit for home
I – a Sparrow – build there
Sweet of twigs and twine
My perennial nest.

(something's telling me she was a "diver" though)

3:42pm. first woke up 2:50am, but i was sleepy enough to at least try to go back to sleep which i eventually did. weighed before at 134.6. at 7:15 or so i awoke still sleepy, capable of sleeping even more, but i had to go to the library, which i did in fact go to. after showering i weighed again and it was 134.0. ate a little chaotically today. after about 20 minutes at the library, the minutes drew out for hours. i made it one hour. arrived 9:30. left 10:30. bought a thai peanut primal jerky at the green zebra, ready to richly reward myself for all that work. walked to whole foods, 2lbs of broccoli the price of which increased by 30c. got tater tots and regretted it but didn't want people seeing me put back the tater tots. ruin my whole carefree image that these strangers definitely harbor of me. a kitehill unsweetened greekstyle yogurt, single serving. eating chaotically today. frozen fruit, 3-4 shakes, half a banana, the jerky, most of the broccoli, pimento olives, ummm. i am thinking of going to the thrift store which closes in two hours. my 1<3 ny cup-bowl, which he found and saved for me in storage, broke (a newer sevres pleases – old ones crack), and i have no bowls. only one plate. etc. i also am thinking of going to cheap weed store in the industrial section. but it's cold today, colder than it was supposed to be. i'm worried about weight increase but i'm thinking higher volume/diversity diet will be more enjoyable.4 shakes + 400C would require the 400C might be a good plan for most days. 4 shakes is already around 100g of protein, so the 400C could be anything at all. i could have cabbage soup, other vegetables, oatmeal, fruit, and spare other stuff. on days when i want higher calorie stuff, fewer shakes to target 1200C. i don't give a shit about thorstein veblen. i don't know what i give a shit about. more weed in my system might help. but i want to finish this paper.
 
Discussion starter · #56 ·
11:14am. i awoke some time before 7. maybe before 6. my weight: 137.5. i went over yesterday. maybe over 2000. i thought, in anticipation of the gain, the worst part will just be publishing it in the edsf blog. but i cared. i would like to say i didn't care but i care. i am using cronometer to count calories today, trying to stay on track. i awoke from a nap yesterday evening to a text and missed call from her. good news. so, confirmed she actually wants to talk to me, now all i have to do is not let overthinking and anxiety fuck things up, allow the normal unfolding of life. i put in a grocery order yesterday. you let them shop, they take $25 off the order. all you need to do is make endless accounts to regain that new customer hymen the corporations jones to break. only the variability of broccoli crown, cabbage and cauliflower heads weight will get you. it all doesn't fit in my little fridge. lots of soup this week. i also bought weed yesterday, two oz, $46 +$14 tip. should have only gotten wedding cake because i think sugar magnolia was bad but oh well. one oz of each. i feel good but sleepy, and unsettled about eating, shopping, my weight. i have been napping, my steps are low, and i'm waiting for him to wake up and text me. i feel like going to the thrift store, to trader joe's, to new seasons. i can tell this is a symptom of me swinging wide--rigid to wild, making purchases, wanting to go out in public, etc. the food, which included olives, has lubricated my skin. i look less dry, therefore, hopefully, less old, though my dark eye bags won't quit. i can feel the glycogen, my movements are more solid. weight is just a number. it's face, energy, movement, communication that count. and shape, and size, and wardrobe, and...but i'm patient. happy. blessed.
 
Discussion starter · #57 ·
6:28am. when i weighed myself, it was 5:40am, after showering. 139.2. it feels. i hate that it feels so close to starting weight. i didn't even think i ate that much yesterday. reached only 7k steps. i have a week break from him now, needed. the resentment has been growing stronger. yesterday i did not really want to do shrooms. there was a moment, after he had divided the 3.5g i had weighed on my scale (not built for these small amounts), when i just couldn't figure out a way to say no, and that it would be better to just go along with it. i hate how difficult i find it to set boundaries. and once again, i was a bad guide, and didn't account for our weight differences. the idea was to do a half dose, but i ended up near-tripping, and he barely felt a thing. i had sad feelings and thoughts. they didn't feel sad, but they were sad. at 9-something i saw texts from her. but she was no longer awake when i responded. missed again. maybe today.

i realized i was getting into this pattern, arresting my development, being with this safe man. i kissed him and hated the slobber. he said "that was nice." he kept calling me pretty. it's bad to feel resentment. a week break will do good. he kept calling me pretty to the point where i thought, maybe i can just move on from conviction that i'll only be acceptable if i lose... amount of weight. i realized how i've gone through life without connection, and so fearful the rare times i did feel it that... and how i've substituted these cheap things. but also i shouldn't just discount what i do have. poor him, he's got it worse than i do. he deserves connection too. i hate to have a mediocre trip, sitting on the bed as i was doing most of the time. what a waste, and now i'll have to do it again so we dose him properly, and then again so he can have a full trip. i love him and want the best for him. we did a 5 minute yoga. i think it was a good introduction. now i feel ready for longer, not sure he does.
 
Discussion starter · #58 ·
eating. call it binging. could not face the scale today. will not again tomorrow. i will have to start again, new plan. i am deleting all my ed stuff from my autocomplete, search data, history, bookmarks. the pictures of myself on my camera roll i am uploading to a secondary email account. instead of skinny, just fucking passable as normal, i will take it. leaving this world behind, or at least shrinking it to a small private compartment, like a an ex-boyfriend box in the closet, nothing more. it's something to be grateful for, though i hate (HATE) being fat--i want life now. the paper is on my mind i swear. my brother gave me his credentials. went to the gym on my own today. a jog at 5mph, a few minutes on the stairs, and machines for the legs, biceps, ass. a pamela reif abs at home, with breaks, the obliques left out in case they give me a man's torso. 14k steps. i feel fat. i feel hm. i don't know. not the worst tho. need answers.
 
Discussion starter · #59 ·
1:50pm. a good time to post, while i'm waiting just a little bit longer before i have popcorn (angry-sprayed with pam, clumsy-showered with salt). i broiled four english muffins in the oven, slathered butter oatmilk miyokos, and regular miyokos on one quarter of one, then cut them each in half, and threw out each half of each. when i threw them out i squished their greasy flesh by the dried out skin. you can hear the grease squelch. i'd already had maybe four and half english muffins. two shakes. mandarin orange. nearly 2lbs of broccoli. i have decided that my first priority now is finishing my paper. on one window, a dozen or more tabs are up. the search results for "veblen," sorted by "last modified." the plans. the intro. the first section. the second sections, there must be five versions, overlapping fragments, conglomerates, outlines turned into notes. the third sections, similar-looking but they must be different. the bibliography, a wish list, partially fulfilled. i did... my best? i did my best. i will triage like a slick serial killer, i mean calm like that. triage like a calm person. i will take what is already written and accept it. i will have a little student flashback, a few days. i'll work all day. clif bar 6-packs are on sale. the diet can start once this paper is done. if i use real money and not just snap this month, all to the better good. maybe i'll be done in a single day. maybe it will take a week and a half. i'll buy coffee, i'll bring workout clothes and break for the gym, or i'll miss some days. i'll... lower my step target to 6k. and then it will be over. i'll move on with my life, take a girl to see megan, and live in the sunlight or whatever.
 
Discussion starter · #60 ·
but why when my phone has the weird sense of humor to ass-message the gym tinder girl "aw," which kind of makes sense as a response to her "good morning beautiful" from two weeks ago, and before i can come to a decision whether to explain in some way, apologize for late response, she comes back with an invitation to make out and smoke, WHY can i not be able to just FUCKING SAY YES. what the fuck is wrong with me. why can't i make it easy. why can't i. i fucking. fuck. sometimes i just cannot take myself seriously.
 
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