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cure for loneliness

10K views 306 replies 2 participants last post by  parish 
#1 ·
ok so i get desperately lonely go to mpa months and it's gone and wtf. didn't realize this site was sort of the same thing and i still have my profile. started profiles on edc and my pancake addiction. there seems to be comparatively few people on the former and the latter the people are intimidatingly nice and the and the website is intimidatingly sophisitcated and the bar to see most of the sections is intimidatingly high. but i plan to return. in the meantime i wanted a place to have a really whiny cry-y blog and i noticed somebody on pancake ask how to link a post on mpa so that got me thinking (usually a mistake but this time..) and so yadda etc. i realized it's all basically there. obviously something's changed, and no doubt in a sinister way, but i need this. i desperately need this. i started a tinder profile. i finally reported milkman missing to the library after they wouldn't let me renew for --i kid you not--the 51st time. i got on the chat and some sweet librarian in minesotta answered but i'd already forgotten about the chat. they passed it along to the local librarians, and they "made a mistake" and didn't charge me for it, but in my head-canon as the kids seem to be saying (i don't know) these days, they wanted not to charge me. and i said something lame like thanks and sorry about the book exclamation point. the last time we spoke--you the void and i the planet getting sucked into it, i was going to finish "my paper" in 30 days and blah blah blah. it must be a year now. the paper isn't done. this re-write of a ten page paper. i have accomplished: breaking up with my boyfriend. accurately, he broke up with me. also, subsequently we went on a trip to europe, together. I don't have the ..um.. to go into it right now. I just read milk fed. i've started crying again, which is an eh thing. death is calling me, not knowing that i literally never pick up the phone. so many nights with him i would go to bed and think about death and suicide. i must have always had it in the bottom of my mind (not the back, i said, the bottom) that this was temporary. but now he's back to at the house where he rented a room years ago, the first or second or.. time we broke up, and i found this beautifullly priced little studio, with a four-foot tall refrigerator, and i've been sleeping on his air bed for over a month. and still, up until recently, the desire for death ....i truly don't know how or if i can surmount this deep hole of mental fuckedupedness i've dug myself into.
so i started a tinder profile. at first i put two pictures i took at a gallery in a library i went to back home. i want to meet women or non-men, but since none of them want to meet me, sometimes briefly i allow men to show up, and obviously a ton of men will swipe right on anything. which to be fair is practically what i've started to do. then i put some pictures he took of me in europe. the silence is deafening. my pictures are desperate and sad, and so is my description. but i'm trying to be honest: i'm sad and i need non-man companionship. i do have now i believe. i'm fat, my teeth are yellow, and i'm depressed. a cute girl sent me a message, so naturally i freaked out and took a day or more to respond to a simple intro. did that a few times and now she'll probably never respond. but what i really want is a sad friend to be sad with. or rather, to just talk to--not negatively, not bitterly, not like i'm doing now, just talk about all this shit that's going on in our minds, that's what i want and need.
yes the desire for death was there all the time. each night greeting me, like a parent tucking me in. then one night a few nights ago, i don't know if i was dreaming or not, but i thought of a gun, somebody offering to shoot me, or a gun right there ready to be shot, and a sort of bang struck my body and mind--no. was it the gore of a gunshot, or really the desire to live? i took it as a sign. but the fight i'm going to have to put up just to make life livable. i would never actually do the deed, i mean, but there's a sort of state, a circling of the drain, that i imagine i could maintain forever, protecting myself with self-pity and with denial of my painful loneliness. my weight is back to where i started, naturally. it reached the scientific "ideal" for my height, then i binged, then i floated around in the muck. and here we are.
 
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#2 ·
we will have to talk about milk fed. we will have to talk about her, the initial provocation of my first blog on here. how i was in my home town and didn't see her. how i stopped responding to her because i was just going to finish my paper before talking to anyone. how a year passed. how i never stopped thinking about her, constantly. how i might have lost her as a friend. how i can't seem to reach out to her still. how there's a chance she got married. how i can't remember her youngest brother's name and i feel like i'm a terrible friend. how i'm still annoyingly (age 32) puzzling over my sexuality. bitterly. at the very brink of proudly reaching a state of self-assured lesbianism, my fantasies veer in these annoying ways, not definitively of men, but involving them, and. jesus. i just want companionship. i feel like i will get it again, but the distance between this right now and having it, and the likelihood that i'll screw it up. and the memory of all that's been lost, and all that never was, and how the fuck does that friend from high school have 1100 friends on facebook, i feel like i must be the most unfriendworthy, let alone touch-worthy ....ok now i'm just rambling. i bought batteries for my food scale today. a friend you can literally count on.
 
#3 ·
should i fuck the guy who works at the chartreuse*(*name of building changed)? thoughts like this people the ride back to homebase. i have never been so free. if i can only just last out the vacuum pull of death. i looked up rennaissance, some poem i read at smartkids camp when i was 11. no renascence. anyway i remembered there was some spelling oddity. she did respond, all hope is not lost. if we slowly build our correspondence... there are potatoes in the oven and the acrid stain of air,olive oil pushed beyond its limit. silicon cake round and no dishwasher, just absorbs the stains, taking hit after hit. instead of an eating disorder, i'll have a perfect plant-based lifestyle, that is what i imagine. rejecting restriction, rejecting the idea that reese's pieces have anything to do with freedom--this is a reference to milk fed, but more than that. it's not that she argues that they are. both she and her companion relate to food in opposite ways that still tie back to their constraints, at least that's what i took her to mean when she said "it was not delight" that made what's her name eat the way she did.. it was ultimately a more superficial book than i might've wanted, but otherwise it was perfect, though it didn't really earn a 'realistic' ending. i know the chai latte was not supposed to be iced but i didn't have the i dunno to tell them. then it turns out to be the same apartment that last time i couldn't get the photo taken. great, they will hate me. good tippers too. and the guy at the chartreuse, am i wrong. the pleasing thought of 'letting him' fuck me, what is that. it's like though--i can see in their eyes, they're ready to develop an emotional attachment. meanwhile straight women, let's just generalize off of no real information here, want emotional connection but get turned on by guys who show in their eyes their unavailability. but this is all in my head, as almost everything i think is... i mean so little seeps in from out there.
 
#4 ·
i get an order to shop at walgreens for pedialyte (blue raspberry) gatorade rehydrate (strawberry kiwi) emergen-c packets (pink lemonade) and a 3-pack of magnum large condoms. i swear i don't feel nervous about the condoms, but for some reason my heart races and when i find them i drop them and my phone, which spins out, entering the space between the half-aisles. i think it was my sleep, the amount of coffee, or something. it is the pale girl at the checkout. the drop-off is just a few blocks away, but i have to climb ashton* road, two ponderous steep blocks. half--or a quarter--way up the second, i decide it would be less painful and hardly more time consuming to walk, so i dismount. i turn around and there is some skinny dude biking with a helmet on and acting like the hill is just a gear or two below normal, so i panic and knock my shoe off as i bring left foot to right. he goes by.. i don't know why i'm going over so many details. i could give more. as if i might have to call on them one day. maybe i will. maybe these notes will be stirred up to a comedic pitch. maybe they will turn into a movie, etc. his instructions are clear. the call code, under the name he gives, the apartment number, only it says "hand it to me," not "leave at door." this is a problem. i can't bring myself to look in the eyes the man who ordered three forms of electrolytes and condoms. a modest 3-pack for all those electrolytes, but that doesn't change much. after turning the dial to men on tinder, i half expect him to be waiting for me specifically. every person i pass i worry, the lesbian who tells me the pizza will be 30-40 minutes, i imagine rejected me on tinder, i can almost sense the overtone or bass note or highlight or glimmer of pity as she explains about the large order which is taking precedence over my modest 18-inch with a side and a drink. i compare myself to the woman on the s-factor documentary who had a past of doing porn. i remind myself that no one is watching me, etc. anyway, i decide to accidentally do the wrong thing. i hear him, maybe on the phone, on the other side of the door, casual, talking to a dude. i leave the bag at his door, mark delivered, and calmly walk back to the elevator, ready to wave and say "thank you," etc. if he opens the door before the elevator arrives, which mercifully it does, ushering me into the to sexless refuge of an ancient pulley.
 
#5 ·
hope is lost again. and the orders aren't coming in. what will i sink myself to. when tinder goes blank and says "there's no one new." i was starting to fantasize about her. milk fed did wonders for my sexuality. i love that it described masturbation. i appreciated everything about it. did i ask this already, but, was the fat one a manic pixie dream character? it wasn't perfect, i mean few books, no books are, no anything is. i was really getting into the first girl, and i screwed it up. i wake up in the middle of the night and think of giving up. uninstall. i'm going to put work into these correspondences. it's easy to swipe. but if i put in the work, i could get friends out of it. i could get sexual partners. i could learn something. i could...etc. i took down some of the more desperate pictures. kind of want to take down the one of me where i'm only wearing underwear/bra though you can't totally tell. still, it's more exposed than i'd like. i took down "looking for a friend." first of all the men didn't know i didn't mean them. second of all, i got frustrated that only women i wasn't attracted to like me back, so i started sorting with physical attraction in mind, which pushes the whole friend angle sideways. i have something like 80 current matches, a really sad return but and i should do more work on those, on seeing if anything might come of them, friendship etc. i could really use a friend. i mean i could really use a friend. ive been awake since 3am
 
#6 ·
(hope returns) it is dawning me, at this very moment: my fear of women thinking i'm weird. a specific kind of woman. separately, but not unrelated, i can't imagine a woman being attracted to me. and yet i find it intolerably demoralizing when none of the pretty ones swipe right. i was in a mood wednesday. i didn't go to the farmers market. and since then, i don't think i've been shopping. (is it really only thursday?) i've been eating all the food left in the house. i squeezed out the cinnamon roll gunk pouch i left in the fridge, having cooked them a couple at a time and systematically underfrosted. or was it the ones i left in the fridge too long, only to try to cook for him, they came out shrunken and doughy. too on the nose. now there is the free violife cheddar slices that safeway unloaded on me (having tasted i can see why), and the violife parmesan wedge, and feta block, that i bought in one of those buy 5 save 5 scams. the trader joe's 150 calorie general tso sauce. an old salsa that must be tossed. the cashew milk i used for the six boxes of mac and cheese i bought on amazon and then felt burdened by. what's left of the raddichio, still going relatively strong. and the pasta, lentils, and sauce i used today, the leftovers in silk yogurt containers. the justegg that tasted like chickpeas. i had remembered it tasting good; it did not. maybe it had gone bad. the vegan parmesan shaker. it's like these things form little posts in my mind. little wreckages in need of demolition. i'll eat it all and then begin again. wash of the chickpea juice coagulated on the refrigerator floor, etc. i'll throw away the old chia seeds i'm afraid have gone rancid, the dried chickpeas i imagine must have- through the bag- collected unrinsable dust. clean slate. god i'm enormous. i abhor being fat.
 
#7 ·
what if i do like a "challenge." i think my adrenals are shot and that kinda stuff just isn't pleasant, but the kind where i get in the zone, just joyfully immersed in a bout of being blissfully in my grindset. let me adverb ok (to my brain)
devin looks like a guy i used to know. the same doughy potato face. feathery dirty blond hair, balding. sloped shoulders. the habsburg inbred lips. why should i care that he tipped two dollars if doordash is paying the rest. meanwhile uber shamelessly sticks to 2.50 and i feel gratitude towards the seven dollar tippers. but i just had to check, and all the fees they add to the order--i did the same order, the same address on both--although they are absurdly high ("regulatory response fee": we can't gouge restaurants so we must gouge you), they are roughly equal. the only difference is the tip suggestion. doordash was putting dollar amounts, uber percents... i have to check again, because then i added a bunch of shit to the uber order to see if the fees went down and they went way up. anyway the point being. i don't know why doordash is paying an extra $3+ over uber as a base fee and not asking the customers to tip "properly," while uber is taking their fees and letting the customers tip--although maybe it's just the volume on uber that's higher. they have caviar and postmates now too. most of the orders are insultingly low. would you like to bike four miles one way up hill(both ways) for three dollars and fifty cents, 2022 money? . fascinating stuff. in my head i remember devin's face as j's, the guy i used to know. this happens to me a lot. then i almost wonder if i had faceblindness or something and it really was him. but for whatever reason, despite a ten minute bike around the block getting me 7.75, no sweat (he couldn't spring for three dollar tip though? my tip was lower than every added fee, like the squished layer on the bottom...banana improperly bagged) i feel resentment. this inbred j-doppel , just as whiny and useless as the original by the looks of him, gave a two dollar tip and bad delivery instructions. enjoy your dead animal and cow r*pe sandwich.
but let's end on positive note, or more positive than cow r*ape at least. the fridge and pantry are emptying. all that's really left is the three violife cheeses. the parmesan and feta are good. the cheddar slices are ok. but what do i do with them? i could have salads, pasta, and grilled cheese for a week, though even then not sure i'd finish the parmesan. but then i'd have to buy new, high calorie food just to finish the old high calorie food. and i hate the idea of throwing them away. and i hate the idea of them remaining there in my fridge, like your junky friend you don't want to abandon after you've gone clean. i'd feel happier with freezing them, but can you / should you freeze them? violife faq says: no. i have to i simply have to use them. this week. no later. the older guy on tinder has suggested getting a drink. i feel guilty at the thought of fucking him on the bed that y's going to give me. still on an air mattress. i've started reading a new murakami. the way the characters are so neat, and have such perfectly clean and minimalist routines. the doordash support people will just straight up lie. i don't blame them, those poor underpaid citizens of the neo-colonized world. but it's baffling the absolute legal vacuum, massive, disorienting, you find yourself in. anyway. happy saturday, five am.
 
#8 ·
the sum of the cheeses totals about 1530 C. both parmesan and feta can be put in salads. 7.75 slices of the cheddar. 2-4 grilled cheeses. 2.6 slices for three. i could make quesadillas with the wellness wraps, tho i'm partial to the grilled cheese. and two boxes of the pedialyte popsicles are coming so i could get to the walmart minimum for the masks order. shouldve gotten the wellness wraps instead. salad, grilled cheese or quesadillas. zucchini parmesan.
 
#9 ·
five servings of the parmesan. 9 of the feta, and 7.75 slices of the cheddar. i buy wellness wraps and 7 heads of lettuce. eat lettuce and cheese (sounds gross put that way) salads 1-3 times a day, adding a serving each of the parmesan and feta, or two of feta once the parmesan is gone. i divide the cheddar between however many wraps. i could kick this cheese in maybe three days. a hearty romaine would do the trick.
 
#10 ·
i have purchased: 4 heads of lettuce (1 frisee, 1 romaine, 1 green leaf, 1 red leaf). do i feel guilty that i bought it at fred meyer and not the farmers market? yes. do i feel especially self-defeated that they were smaller, of worse quality, and with the match program they have at the farmers market for snap, more expensive than the ones at the farmers market? 100%. i bought the large wraps, pack of 6. i weighed one at 76g, 5g over the serving size. is my fat ass already cooking up a quesadilla and chewing on a raw preservative-tasting wrap? obvi. it was all i could do to put the heads in the fridge before starting. i bought acv to replace by empty balsamic. the only unplanned purchase was a jar of jalapenos. low calorie and a good pair for the quesadillas. the cheddar and wraps will be disposed of quickly. i can buy tofu to use with the general tsos. i can experimentally mix the expired bochasweet pancake and waffle mix with the expired cashew milk turned into something like buttermilk by the smell of it. it will either work, or i have an excuse to throw it all out and i'll at least have tried something. i emptied the salsa. i threw out the just egg, which also smelled sour. there are the chia seeds. used for eggs in the expired "buttermilk" pancake operation, dot dot dot
 
#11 ·
the fat pimply little c*nt gave me a 3 star rating, lowering my overall by .02. some other c*nt gave me a 1-star, maybe when the app wasn't working but who knows. these weasly motherfuckers. probably thinks he's over-generous with his 7.75 tip. i was too shy to cut the line, i didn't see the sign that said pickup. When I biked up to the building, on time i believe, i saw this weasley c*nt standing outside. gave a half smile, but he didn't seem to signal that he was the customer at all. i go up to the call box and of course despite an apartment #, there are no instructions, last name or code, to use the call box. i probably whisper-muttered under my breath "crap" and started to message a question. then he goes up to me and ask blah blah blah. no smile. and as i apologize for the 'delay' (i'm not even late) he turns his attention completely to the other resident going into his building and ignores me. the stupid fat pimply dumb motherf*cking c*nt. what a complete useless piece of sh*t. i was considering renting in that building (if i could pass the application). overpriced but offering two months free because it was new, and i was thinking i might just find another takeover. oh apparently he gave me a thumbs down for communication the stupid tw*t. how hilarious. i hope he chokes on his croissant the dumb f*ck. or who knows maybe it was that b*tch brittany in the building with those f*cking latch codes. moving on. i biked to safeway hoping to get an order, but doorsh*t has stopped sending them, leading me to suspect brittany--but she did send a thank you text so who knows. i am angry, can you tell? i bought two grilled tofu blocks and two bananas. they had looked so ripe the last time i was there, shopping for someone else, but they must've cleared the ripe ones out, as they do. i ate the bananas, which were fine, not underripe, maybe a dash short of the sweet spot. i fried up a whole block of tofu with about a serving of the general tsos. the pedialyte popsicles came yesterday and i am making my way through them. i had a salad with the feta and parmesan yesterday. the feta is really good. i dried out the parmesan by not storing it properly, but it's still pretty good. what a dumb little
 
#12 ·
'shape up by solstice' 'get fit fall' 'self-improvement kick till solstice'...i'm hung up on the solstice. and 'skinny by solstice' just isn't in the cards. 'whittle down by winter.' something more encompassing than just a weight loss venture. is sh and s legal alliteration? a working title. i threw some parmesan slices in the plastic container that i'd weighed the tsos in, and subsequently left the jar upside down overnight to empty into. i am now eating straight parmesan. the feta is gone. the tso is gone. the tofu is gone. i left a small piece of parmesan to try one day grated on pasta. i will eat the rest in slices, straight or in a salad. i still have about half, maybe more, of the lettuce heads left. the jar of simple truth parmesan crumble is 340 C total there are dregs in the mustard. there is a quarter bottle of ketchup. i will try the sour cashew milk-expired pancake mix-expired chia seed eventually, maybe today or tomorrow. i walked like a total lurker in the pharmacy section of fred meyer, twice, eyeing the blood pressure machine to see if it also provided weight. i chickened out. i considered using the gym free trial. then i thought, wait a second, there is a global superpower company that is self-proclaimed obsessed with me and wants to lend me a scale, delivered promptly to my door. i probably didn't need to order two. makes the return more of a hassle. i can weigh myself for free in the privacy of my own home whenever i want, and the customer service associates are efficient and obliging. i only hope it's not obvious i'm returning a scale if i have to take them to whole foods. maybe i'll go to a hub, just to be more hush about it. i'd be quite happy to get to 126 by solstice. there's some alliteration for you. of course the christmas binge-trigger season annoyingly follows, what to do about that. i want to align my life. i want to furnish my studio. etc. i want to finish my stupid fucking
 
#13 ·
a certain youtuber who is my age and about as skinny as i'd like to be mentioned that she was in the top 200 self-improvement podcasts. pure camp. there are more than 200 self-improvement podcasts, enough self-improvement podcasts that being in the top 200 is a thing to be pleased with. so i looked up this list. i suppose she was talking about the apple charts, it wasn't exactly clear. if she is in the top 200, i'll never know, because they only give the first 100 for free. then you have to register, maybe pay i dunno. i've started looking up each podcast. i'm going to listen semi-ironically. feeling smug and superior, snickering snidely at these empty and deceptive-cum-delusional copy-of-a's. and then i'm going to pray that i attract an abundance mindset of hot girl energy. oh, there's literally a podcast called the abundance mindset and another called hot girl energy. i particularly enjoy hot girl energy because she's so cool with considering it her sacred duty to update us on her starbucks order. like the time they tried lactose free milk in her latte and it foamed up impressively.
 
#14 ·
i don't feel lonely right now. i don't feel (particularly) lonely. i do feel fat .very fat. talking to n, i wanna invite her over, but my place is not suitable for company. i made the expired pancakes, and the mix actually smelled and tasted quite good, but i fucked the whole thing up. i can't tell you how it hurts my self esteem when i try baking and the batter just doesn't cook. the metaphor for arrested development just hits a little too squarely, too precisely. i ate two pudding like globs hot off the pan, mixed in with the only baked bits which were scraped off the pan surface. the rest of the batter is in the fridge. it was maybe the conversion. i think it's all the chia seeds. this thick gel.. i confused the measuring cup sizes, etc. i think the seeds are basically fine and i'll save them. i'll try doing different things to the batter and see if anything works. now my stomach is feeling funny so.. anyway. there is at least a little irony in my criticizing hot girl for her inane generic nonsense when that is exactly what this blog is. only she's a (high paid) coach on the top 100 self-improvement podcasts and my rambling goes on a mental illness forum.
 
#15 ·
after thinning the batter w more sour cashew milk, still no luck. i think the chia seeds captured the water and protected them from evaporation or something. so i had to dump the rest of the batter. i cooked the chickpeas which were 'best by' last september this morning. i bought a 2lb of frozen broccoli last night. and a clif bar. and two luna bars, on sale w/ coupon for 75 cents. all the bars are gone. i just had a plate of broccoli and chickpeas. my throat feels like it's tightening a little but it could be in my head. dried beans are, according to google results, supposedly non-perishable. the whole bag is supposed to be 1560 C, 13 servings of 120 calories.
the scales arrive by 10pm tonight. so does a 2lb of now soy protein powder, unflavored, snap-eligible. i'd prefer true nutrition, but i don't want to pay out of pocket.
of course i am scared of some dangerous bacteria, mold, whatever from the garbanzo beans. i can already feel it. but the ritual wants to be completed. the 'good' can of instant coffee (that tasted less weird) is close to running out, then there's a little folgers and another big jar. who knows what else is in the storage unit. i want to get the storage unit taken care of, if only to have a bed to make it possible to invite people over. by solstice i want to get a loveseat, a comfy chair, potentially a little coffee table, a table and two chairs for the kitchen 'area'.
 
#16 ·
the results are in and they're really, really bad. 145.2lbs, mid-day. i have not lost any weight; i have potentially gained weight. i am not necessarily surprised, but i sure the hell am resentful. exercising -it feels like- all day, eating this stupid healthy food. wake up call. non-intentional weight loss is a lie.

also, thanks for the like!
 
#17 ·
not sure why but doordash took off the three star rating and the communication thumbs down. maybe the guy was trying to text me and the app screwed up. i dunno. they have disregarded 6 sub-5 star ratings on various account. still included a 1-star from who knows who.

somebody just called saying "hi this is doordash." i was confused and alarmed because she asked if i "had any problem(s?) with doordash." i asked who i was speaking with and she didn't answer at first. i kept trying to clarify and she said "hold on" and then hung up. come to find out it was the doordash support number. those poor workers probably operate a scam call company half the day and doordash the other half, finding no difference in the mechanics.

knowing the reality--my weight--it feels like i have to put myself on timeout again, like i am the way a dog gets when it knows... i dunno, you know the way dogs droop and walk slowly around. i'm reeling i'm. i bought five luna bars and tried to use my second fred meyer account because the coupon i guess only works once. wasn't working. had a whole scene with the self-checkout attendant. bought them, went back, yadda yadda. bought ten luna bars, five of which i'm going to return tomorrow, two of which i've eaten whole, two of which (a blueberry and a lemon-zest-blueberry) i opened and "sampled". i don't want to place myself in ... if i were at the ecoflats...but am i going to spring another $400 / month because i think living there would be the environment to be naturally skinnier? i mean am i really? everything's a

just called my mom and she got in some self-insults about how big she is, "of course i'm not too picky, look at me" and of course she was "going to" go on a diet or thinking about it or whatever. it's funny the feelings i feel, after weighing myself and then seeing skinny girls, and the feeling towards my mom, like--it's like it's in a muffled room, and i'm here, i hear it but it's dampened. do i want to put myself on timeout? lifestyle anarchy, that's what i want. the way in milk fed she said her mom restricted her food and she snuck it and then she started restricting herself. we resent rules and then we make rules for ourselves
 
#18 ·
as usual my vision, my desires, my caprices? flit from this to that. like no, i don't want to put myself on a regimen, i don't want to fit my food into caloric limits, etc., on the other hand.. and i'm eating more because the deep wiring in my eating disordered neurosystem is bracing for supplies to be rationed. the evolutionary link to the pre-hibernating bear. the special place to hibernate is called a hibernaculum. a den lined with leaves and twigs. i woke up at 2:40am this morning, went to bed after 11. it's now just before 4. finally gave into an urge ive been having recently for coffee at night. to do today: search for furniture, preferably offering delivery; follow up on plans to get stuff from storage. do laundry, like right now (update: in the wash)... clean... make plans for fit kick fall (all working titles). pick out a photo to canvas for his birthday (wow does google charge you tho). maybe visit william tell. maybe get some last meal feast food from safeway and new seasons... maybe order rain pants on amazon...

ideally, theoretically, hypothetically, what if i go on a 2000C diet but burn 2500C, mostly thru delivering orders? in the dying hours before the apps secure their monopoly and turn profit, cutting me out. f*cking taxes. no, government, you owe me. when i think of my snap benefits, i romanticize--not that i 'believe' in romanticizing-- i think of audrey hepburn at the strip club in breakfast at tiffany's, talking about the candy shop. she has what's his name, buddy trawler or something, and i have uncle sam. and i'm not making payments on my student loans either. what a scam. they can take off their 20k to bring in the midterm votes but that other 32 is going nowhere. the landlords have secured their share, but other than that, i'm not giving my labor so i can dole out its exchange value to all the various gangsters who have laid their claims. la propriete, c'est le vol, etc. i want to divest completely, from all the markets still based on literal slavery (coffee, etc.), from single use plastic--dependant on imperialist war and fracking (internal colonization) for oil, not to mention killing all planetary life, from all the containers adding waste and pollution, from the food corps and grocery chains that milk underpaid non-union labor for profit and c-suite salaries, etc. etc. but is that fully what i want or do i just need parameters. anyway. and i want to start a compost.
 
#19 ·
one thing is missing from this pre-diet feast and it's really bugging me. it wasn't exactly a planned component, but at new seasons, buying a peasant levain, a sourdough, and and apple pie--and a bunch of bananas, because they were there and looked the right amount of ripe (actually i would go a smidge less ripe, but the vegans have warped my eye on that), and then a checkout the woman in front of me had this baguette that was beautiful and crackling. they charge 3.99 for their baguette. i'm pretty sure they charge maybe $2 for an artisan baguette in literal france. i know they're selling baguettes in grocery stores for 40c euro in italy. but now, that one thing makes this feel incomplete. i'm tired, the sun is out, the streets are packed, mostly with cars, and i need to shower. i was going to take the morning off, but i didn't. so i've been working and up since 2:40am after a few hours of sleep, and i need that baguette. tomorrow is the first day of fall 2022.

i think i am going to do something very reasonable: a 2000C diet, and try to get my activity level to support a 1lb loss per week. the scales can be returned until october 20, so i can start to see some movement maybe.

i figure i'll watch an episode of desperate housewives, shower, and go get that baguette. and you know if i had gotten the baguette first time around they would have to say something like "a lot of bread." i would never. i started to bike back but then i started thinking there would be other stuff and then the whole thing just seemed pointless. but no, i think i need the baguette. if they are out it will be bad. if they have plain and sourdough i might have to get both.
 
#21 ·
i'm going to need another day for bread. it's not like i'm cutting anything out. but it's a whole thing.
another customer gave me a sub-5 star rating, but doordash excluded it. all the orders i did were shop orders, and all of them had items out of stock; one of them my app crashed; one was to the same room, i believe, that i delivered to yesterday. the person messaged me, when i asked them about replacing the lilac razors with another color, promising she wasn't a shitty tipper, and gave me ten cash on arrival. this time i couldn't tell if it was the same person, they were roughly the same genre of woman, but i think she was different, but with all of the missing items, i delivered her 1 smart water bottle and two cans of sprite; there was no cash tip. another was a woman i delivered to before, too, a $3 tipper; last time i messaged her about red bull, because they didn't have the og 12 oz stocked in the aisles, but i found one in a cooler. this time i couldn't find it anywhere. anyway. another guy i messaged about multiple missing items, ended up delivering cheese and lemonade, i think. and then my app crashed and couldn't mark the order delivered till several minutes later. anyway all the orders did not go as hoped for, none of the tips were good, and it amazes me that people will tip shitty and then feel totally cool with putting someone's job in danger, because that's what they are doing. if just 30% of customers give me a 4/5 star rating, and all the others give me 5 stars, i'm at risk of being terminated. i mean can you imagine if a 4/5 star movie didn't make money, or something. wait scratch that, deactivation is 4.2. 4.7 is for the meaningless "top dahser". ok that's better i suppose. still, 4 star ratings can get somebody deactivated in great enough quantity, which is . anyway. tired. my legs need rest. good night
 
#22 ·
today is bread day. wow, i'm special. i almost went last evening--but then what if they were out of a certain type of baguette? i'd like to go 7am, as soon as it opens--but what if they haven't finished making all the bread by then? the challenges. should i buy butter or cheese (vegan, obviously) for the occassion? they are out of epic mature at fred meyer.

tomorrow, a very simple plan: 2000 C, attempt to get activity to 2500C, i think i'll aim for 100g of protein. 1 serving in the morning, most days, another, or half a serving, later, to improve satiety, fat vs muscle loss, and muscle recovery from the biking. anything goes, but attempt to leave no nutritional holes, to eat vegetables, etc. maybe get a probiotic.

get fit fall, or something (a working title). along with an aim of 1 lb/ wk fat loss, i have other things to do: 1) furnish apartment 2) work on paper 3) drink water (because why not), and i'd like to do yoga. 4) improve cleanliness
put vertically

1) lose 1lb per week
2) furnish apartment
3) work on paper
4) drink water; possibly do yoga (we'll call this the wellness goal)
5) improve cleanliness

along i suppose with

6) stay active and earning
7) increase farmers market/coop / decrease chain market consumption
8) buy self-care necessities like clothing and a working phone with more than a single disposable gb of memory
9) maybe get a compost

oh and maybe

10) 801 uber eats deliveries to qualify for free tuition (possibly a stretch goal)

i'm going to weigh myself in one week, and just before i start return on the amazon scales, before october 20. i may or may not join a gym. if i meet up with my tinder correspondents, i want to creatively challenge myself to fit in any calorie consumption (using estimates of course, woe is me); i can avoid sometimes maybe calorie activities, but i'd rather build the skill of fitting it into the copy of a copy of a balanced lifestyle. the that girl simulacrum. and what kind of that girl would i be if i didn't encourage all of my followers to set your own goals and vision for fall, like, subscribe, and share in the comments down below, etc. (no but actually if anyone wants to share their fall goals i'd love to hear/no presh) wish me
 
#24 ·
my bread day ritual continues to be frustrated. i decided i needed the cheese, but they don't have it. i think the re-stock delivery has gotten to the store but they haven't shelved it, because online it no longer says out of stock. but i keep going back, making a fool of myself. this ritual must happen to begin. i feel so tired
 
#25 ·
the epic mature has still not arrived. yes i am thinking of going far and wide to other locations to seek it out. but am i really going to do that.
what if i just accepted myself as is right now? let them reject me. i keep wanting to turn off tinder and ghost everyone and pretend that bout of desperate loneliness when i put the pictures up was a dream.
 
#26 ·
epic cheddar secured. after stalking fred meyer like a crazy ex-girlfriend day and night, i did a location search on the violife website and made my way to the campus green zebra, hitting the farmer's market, and picking up the pretzel rods at safeway that are always out of stock at the one near me. then back to new seasons because the bread has since gone. no courage to buy all the bread i'd like--one of each loaf, draining the snap i horded while traveling abroad who cares. they have both sourdough and french baguette. i get the sourdough, and an emmer miche; now, naturally, i feel like i need the french. this has to end somewhere. the way in milk fed she had that binge trigger, and it was all supposed to stop that day and the way for all different reasons it didn't, she-the author- did that so well. i figure i go back there, as crazy as i might look, buy the french baguette, full or mini, or even a loaf, whatever's in stock, and that will be that. we can end this tonight. tho now it's occuring to me that i also need to purchase coolhaus ice cream cones.

talking to n. i feel stupid of course. i want to just leave the platform, run. then i imagine taking her home, like home home. i imagine us in a relationship--a girl i've had barely a conversation with and know by face only through five to seven photos. honestly, i imagine gripping my legs around her. i image my hands on her waist. i imagine us hanging out and kissing. other than at end of year college traditions that for some reason involved making out with people indiscriminately, i've never kissed a girl--and those end of year college kisses i look back with painful cringe. how i'm already in an ltr in my head with a girl i also imagine would probably end up not being attracted to me in the first place. in my head, with several of these women i've talked to on tinder, it's like i've already got our entire compatibility mapped out. with n--i'm not sure how deep our intellectual connection would go, but i like her chill vibe, and i love her body, and i like that she seems genuinely nice. i could imagine having her around all the time, but i could also imagine that what i'd like to talk about and what she'd be interested in wouldn't always line up. i suppose i'd like to find someone that i can talk marx with. something like that i dunno. i remember telling her about this crush i had on the girl who worked at the college bookshop. all those crushes were zero percent sexual, mostly on boys. they were coping mechanisms, fixations, a way to replace reality and consciousness of its logic of consequences with something else. the scary thing was when this awful guy revealed he had a crush on her, pointed her out in a crowd, then i realized what a freak i was. it's like the barista who all guys think they have a unique connection with. wow. and of course it turned out somehow, three thousand miles away, we had gone to the same high school, only a year apart and i had never seen her. it was one of those things that trigger the paranoid "pisces" thinking in my brain. i mean, obviously it's fate, like serendipity or some shit, when harry met sally? all the meg ryans and or tom hanks blend together. i told her, the girl i actually have real, and definitely sexual feelings for, and said some stupid sh*t like that i found out she was gay because--really great sign for my prospects of being with her--she was making out with a girl on the counter of the bookstore. i mean in retrospect, how f*cking cool was that but. i loved her style that way. i mean maybe it sounds sloppy and cliche, but in action it was i dunno just rockstar level, at least in my eyes. i romanticized her, obviously. but it wasn't sexual. anyway, i said something implying thinking about kissing her or something, like being scared of that, i honestly don't remember, and she, let's call her a., said, in that way that hurts me but i don't let her know it does, in a way i imagine she sort of wants to hurt me, to feel bad about being so out of touch with reality, maybe of having the privilege to be, she said something like, you need to have a conversation with this person before thinking about that... i don't remember the words etc. but you there was condescension, maybe not undeserved. what a nightmare, truly. i need a therapist to tell me if all those crushes counted as maladaptive daydreaming. i'm swimming in names for diagnoses.
 
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