ok so i get desperately lonely go to mpa months and it's gone and wtf. didn't realize this site was sort of the same thing and i still have my profile. started profiles on edc and my pancake addiction. there seems to be comparatively few people on the former and the latter the people are intimidatingly nice and the and the website is intimidatingly sophisitcated and the bar to see most of the sections is intimidatingly high. but i plan to return. in the meantime i wanted a place to have a really whiny cry-y blog and i noticed somebody on pancake ask how to link a post on mpa so that got me thinking (usually a mistake but this time..) and so yadda etc. i realized it's all basically there. obviously something's changed, and no doubt in a sinister way, but i need this. i desperately need this. i started a tinder profile. i finally reported milkman missing to the library after they wouldn't let me renew for --i kid you not--the 51st time. i got on the chat and some sweet librarian in minesotta answered but i'd already forgotten about the chat. they passed it along to the local librarians, and they "made a mistake" and didn't charge me for it, but in my head-canon as the kids seem to be saying (i don't know) these days, they wanted not to charge me. and i said something lame like thanks and sorry about the book exclamation point. the last time we spoke--you the void and i the planet getting sucked into it, i was going to finish "my paper" in 30 days and blah blah blah. it must be a year now. the paper isn't done. this re-write of a ten page paper. i have accomplished: breaking up with my boyfriend. accurately, he broke up with me. also, subsequently we went on a trip to europe, together. I don't have the ..um.. to go into it right now. I just read milk fed. i've started crying again, which is an eh thing. death is calling me, not knowing that i literally never pick up the phone. so many nights with him i would go to bed and think about death and suicide. i must have always had it in the bottom of my mind (not the back, i said, the bottom) that this was temporary. but now he's back to at the house where he rented a room years ago, the first or second or.. time we broke up, and i found this beautifullly priced little studio, with a four-foot tall refrigerator, and i've been sleeping on his air bed for over a month. and still, up until recently, the desire for death ....i truly don't know how or if i can surmount this deep hole of mental fuckedupedness i've dug myself into.
so i started a tinder profile. at first i put two pictures i took at a gallery in a library i went to back home. i want to meet women or non-men, but since none of them want to meet me, sometimes briefly i allow men to show up, and obviously a ton of men will swipe right on anything. which to be fair is practically what i've started to do. then i put some pictures he took of me in europe. the silence is deafening. my pictures are desperate and sad, and so is my description. but i'm trying to be honest: i'm sad and i need non-man companionship. i do have now i believe. i'm fat, my teeth are yellow, and i'm depressed. a cute girl sent me a message, so naturally i freaked out and took a day or more to respond to a simple intro. did that a few times and now she'll probably never respond. but what i really want is a sad friend to be sad with. or rather, to just talk to--not negatively, not bitterly, not like i'm doing now, just talk about all this shit that's going on in our minds, that's what i want and need.
yes the desire for death was there all the time. each night greeting me, like a parent tucking me in. then one night a few nights ago, i don't know if i was dreaming or not, but i thought of a gun, somebody offering to shoot me, or a gun right there ready to be shot, and a sort of bang struck my body and mind--no. was it the gore of a gunshot, or really the desire to live? i took it as a sign. but the fight i'm going to have to put up just to make life livable. i would never actually do the deed, i mean, but there's a sort of state, a circling of the drain, that i imagine i could maintain forever, protecting myself with self-pity and with denial of my painful loneliness. my weight is back to where i started, naturally. it reached the scientific "ideal" for my height, then i binged, then i floated around in the muck. and here we are.
so i started a tinder profile. at first i put two pictures i took at a gallery in a library i went to back home. i want to meet women or non-men, but since none of them want to meet me, sometimes briefly i allow men to show up, and obviously a ton of men will swipe right on anything. which to be fair is practically what i've started to do. then i put some pictures he took of me in europe. the silence is deafening. my pictures are desperate and sad, and so is my description. but i'm trying to be honest: i'm sad and i need non-man companionship. i do have now i believe. i'm fat, my teeth are yellow, and i'm depressed. a cute girl sent me a message, so naturally i freaked out and took a day or more to respond to a simple intro. did that a few times and now she'll probably never respond. but what i really want is a sad friend to be sad with. or rather, to just talk to--not negatively, not bitterly, not like i'm doing now, just talk about all this shit that's going on in our minds, that's what i want and need.
yes the desire for death was there all the time. each night greeting me, like a parent tucking me in. then one night a few nights ago, i don't know if i was dreaming or not, but i thought of a gun, somebody offering to shoot me, or a gun right there ready to be shot, and a sort of bang struck my body and mind--no. was it the gore of a gunshot, or really the desire to live? i took it as a sign. but the fight i'm going to have to put up just to make life livable. i would never actually do the deed, i mean, but there's a sort of state, a circling of the drain, that i imagine i could maintain forever, protecting myself with self-pity and with denial of my painful loneliness. my weight is back to where i started, naturally. it reached the scientific "ideal" for my height, then i binged, then i floated around in the muck. and here we are.