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Discussion starter · #101 ·
waiting room

when will the trauma responses stop? how many years will it take for me to hear absolutely anything related to betrayal and not immediately break down into tears? her name is somehow everywhere. the music they listened to is all over the platforms i use regularly. the fun things they did together are the things i’ve always wanted to try. the tv shows, the movies, the fucking clothes he wore with her and the dates he took her on. i want to be hit in the head until i forget that he took me to get pho the week we got engaged, and her to get pho only 2 years earlier, while i was saving up money to move in with him. i want to be pushed off a building so that i forget that he took us to the same spot on the mountain for a cute little date. i want a fucking lobotomy. i can’t let go of almost 8 years of us together even after all he’s done to me, why could he so easily let go of it when all i give him is love? no matter how much things have changed since then, no matter how much better we are together, i’m starting to notice small personality changes that remind me of that time. and each time i ask for more reassurance or tell him how i feel, he gets offended because he’s going through a hard time. and trust me, i see the red flags. i do. i’m ignoring them, and i can’t stop.
 
Discussion starter · #102 ·
clown party

i’m just not sure how much longer i can pretend that this isn’t all a fucking farce for everyone else to laugh at. why am i here, dressed like a fucking clown, playing fucking charades in my striped fucking tent? my words may sound angry, but truthfully, i’m just devastated and hopeless and empty at this point. do i see a future for myself, sure, but will i be happy? not even in my fucking dreams. i genuinely don’t see happiness ever coming back to me again. absolutely not. this is a sick joke. i don’t know what monster wrote this play that i unwillingly lead in, but i want to break the contract. i’m tired of the clown makeup and i’m tired of dancing to the silly drums.
 
Discussion starter · #103 ·
I can’t say I haven’t thought about it this seriously before. I have. But I can confidently say that this time, I have a sound, legit reason. Usually I can step back and think for a moment and realize that I’m too afraid. But I don’t know anymore. I think I’m more afraid of things staying exactly the way they are. How am I going to live if I can’t even survive? I see a future for myself but it’s unrealistic and I don’t know if I’m willing to fight for it anymore. I am a disappointment. I am literally a weight on everyone’s shoulders. I bring nothing but negativity. I shouldn’t be here, I shouldn’t be anywhere. I don’t feel anything but fear and anguish anymore, and I’m scared. At this point, I worry that if I don’t do it someone else will, because we can’t afford to get out of this place. Because of me. I just don’t know.
 
Discussion starter · #104 ·
still losing weight, still a disappointment. can’t please anybody. can’t be what’s needed or what’s right. i’m trying out some new things but i’m not sure if i can really determine how it’s going just yet. i think i might be a full blown failure in just about every single way possible. should i take a nap? probably not. goodnight though
 
Discussion starter · #105 ·
TW competitive thoughts, infidelity

I made it under a certain weight that I haven’t seen in a few years. Hell, I probably haven’t seen this number since like 2018 or something. I knew I’d feel like I needed to keep going, but I didn’t know that feeling would outshine the happiness. I let myself be proud for such a short second before deciding on my next goal. My next milestone. My next deadline. I started making notes and lists because I never thought I’d make it back here. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy, but I’m less happy that I made it and more relieved that I’m closer to nothing. The better I look in my old jeans, the more competitive I feel about how gross she looks in her jeans. She’s cocky so I’m sure if she saw me in public now, she’d still think she looks better, so I gotta make sure I’m at least 10lbs less than her ASAP. Here’s to hoping she gains weight and I contract a fat-eating illness or something.
 
Discussion starter · #106 ·
Sometimes I just feel so worthless. And there really isn’t a way to disprove it. It seems like all signs point to it being the truth. On days like this, where money is a big worry, I’m just like a tumor in his life. I’m unable to do anything helpful. I honestly very clearly make it all worse. In his words, and I don’t blame him, “we’ll never make it out of this place.” He wasn’t saying it about me, but I cried a bit. And I’m about to cry a bit more. I just wish there was something I could do to be better. My mind is telling me to SH or worse, but I know that would be more stressful for him. So I guess I’ll just sit here and be worthless like always.
 
Discussion starter · #108 ·
Terrible Thanksgiving

Over the long Thanksgiving weekend, I had to eat a ton because I was never alone. I’m scared to weigh myself and see how much I’ve gained… but that’s not even the worst part.

We were scrolling through his camera roll together to find something (been together almost 8 years so we’re comfortable with each other and our phones) and he passed a photo of a girl in there. Not a nude, just a girl’s face. He tried to pretend nothing happened but I scrolled back up and asked him about it. He sat still for a minute with nothing to say. He had an explanation, not one that fixed things but one that made sense and held up when he showed proof. But it still scarred me to see a girl in his camera roll, let alone one he explained was from high school, when he was in his unfaithful phase. I can’t get it out of my mind. And I can’t find my blade :/
 
Discussion starter · #109 ·
Still losing, even after Thanksgiving :)

I was really worried I’d be back up a couple pounds after having thanksgiving leftovers for days with my fiancé, but I weighed myself this morning… and luckily, I’ve basically maintained. I lost a little tiny bit but it was probably water weight. Now back to small portions, thank god. After the fiancé camera roll fiasco, I have so much motivation to lose more weight. Every bite I take makes me feel humongous, and while it’s painful, it’s helpful. One issue I’m having is that even though I’m 75 pounds down, all I can see in myself is a high weight I never even hit. I feel 300lbs when I look in the mirror but I never even got that big. Maybe it’s cuz I’m so short, but I just feel so much bigger than I weigh right now. I’ve been my current weight before, and I feel like I look bigger now than I did then. Idk. My fiancé says it’s body dysmorphia but I really feel like I just have a lot of extra weight and fat that won’t come off and for some reason my weight loss doesn’t show that much. When I compare pics of myself 75lbs higher than I am now, I see the difference, but when I look in the mirror I look 300lbs. Idk, sorry for the jumbled thoughts. Anyway I’m ready to get to a new low!
 
Discussion starter · #110 ·
Fiancés new job opportunity with his ex… tw: infidelity & self harm

Didn’t weigh myself for a bit again cuz fiancé had bought a bunch of junk food for us and made sure I ate it. But today I weighed in and still lost a bit. Again! Yayyyyy. I’m so glad for 3 reasons. 1. We might be going to a work Christmas party where I’d meet all his coworkers. 2. I’m going to see my family for Christmas for the first time in a year and the last time they saw me I was 75lbs lighter (maybe 80lbs if I keep losing before Christmas.) and most importantly 3. My fiancé might be getting a new job… in the same building where his ex… the OG other woman… the reason my ED got worse in 2019… the name I’ve cut into my thigh… HER. she works there. Soooo. Yeah. Gotta keep losing so I can be better than her and so he’ll feel too guilty to try it w her because I’m literally sick over it. Wow I’m quite mentally I’ll aren’t i
 
Discussion starter · #111 ·
I gained a couple pounds. However, I bought some really low cal stuff for this week, and was able to have a good day calorie wise today. I’m starving to death lmao but I’m making it. I’m gonna try to keep it under like 800 MAX every day this week. Today I had about 680 even with a snack. Friday is fiancés work Christmas party (if we go) so hopefully I get back to what I was at before. Still over 75lbs down. :)
 
Discussion starter · #112 ·
things are a bit intense. ed wise, i have continued losing weight. my fiance's new job has made it extremely easy to only have one meal a day and not even have to hide it. i am now about 85lbs down from my hw. however, it has made my worries about the ex worse, because he works in the same building as her. neither of them have mentioned seeing the other yet, so i think it will all be fine. also, i had the worst dream ever last night. let's just say he left me and then promptly died. it sucked. another thing is we've been looking at super nice apartments recently. yeah that's right, bye bye to the piles of vomit in the hallways and the gunshots all around. we are ready to get the hell out of here. it won't be until june but it's fun to look around in advance. although, we have to keep in mind that we aren't 100% sure how this new, high-paying job will work out, because it is stressing him out a fair amount. but our hopes are high, and our bank account is excited for that first full check.

aside from that massive update, today itself has been kinda meh. after going omad all last week, the first weekend was rough; as soon as i had to eat a bunch cuz my fiance was home, it was really hard to get back to restriction. overall i had a smaller meal for breakfast, then i was extremely hungry from all the crazy weekend eating so i ate some leftovers at like 4:30ish. then i was having a moment so i ate some candy. but i won't eat anything else today and i am determined to do better with the restriction for the rest of the week. omad or bust. also he has only one day off this week apparently instead of two because the restaurant is being bought, and we aren't sure if that is going to start being a regular thing or not. hopefully he doesn't get too stressed and quit already. don't get me wrong, i want him to choose what's best for his mental health, but i hope he gives the job a fair chance because it seems like he is a great fit there. everyone is nice, he makes a ton of money compared to before, and he gets paid to eat at a buffet almost every day he works. the fast pace is just a lot for him and i totally understand that, so i hope he makes the decision that serves him best.

even at 85lbs down i still feel every pound dragging me down. is 85 even that many? it sounds like a lot but i feel like i look exactly the same. i get treated exactly the same. i am still just so fat. 18 more lbs until my next weight milestone, but 25lbs until i've lost 100. that's insane. i know i can do it, especially with this schedule. will i be more beautiful or worthy then? at this point, i'm bored of this. i wish i could skip to the finish line. blegh idk what else to type.
 
Discussion starter · #113 ·
i'm not sure how things keep getting worse, but they really, truly do. last night, i saw a note on my fiance's phone, in the recently deleted section. it had three photos of me. one of my face last year, 85lbs higher than i am now. one of me now, 85lbs lighter than the before picture. and one of us smiling together, now as well. i immediately knew something was up, but i wouldn't have been upset if he had just been honest when i asked. so, i asked... clearly he lied. "oh i was in florida, i really missed you, i just wanted to see pictures of you" blah blah blah. so you made a note? with a pic from last year included? yeah right. i had to practically beg him for minutes to just be honest. eventually he sighed and said it's because he was showing his parents before and after pictures of my weight loss.

now on one hand, i'm fine with that. i'm not upset with his parents, i know their intentions are good when it comes to commenting on my weight loss, etc. but it still hurt my feelings to think about him going through his phone and choosing a bad before photo and a good now photo. and it especially hurt my feelings that he lied about it. but that's not all.

once that was over, i asked him "now that you had to tell me that, is there anything else you didn't tell me about the trip?"

for context, his parents (father and stepmother) have never been on board with him proposing to me. he proposed feb 10th, 2022. but he still hasn't told them, because before he proposed, when he mentioned that he was going to, they weren't supportive. they weren't mean (apparently), they simply said he was too young (he is 22) and they didn't want us to make a big financial decision like that yet. he has told them multiple times that it would be a long engagement, it doesn't mean anything financial yet, etc. but they still say he is too young and should wait until we are financially stable. mind you, my family knew the day it happened. and were ecstatic. his biological mom is excited about it, but he still hasn't told her yet in case there was crossover between her and his other parents. which i understand. but it is so humiliating to feel like i'm not really engaged. i've been hidden in this relationship before because his parents didn't like me when we were in middle/high school (because we were long distance.) and he cheated while he hid me. and his parents liked the other girl... anyway, we're grown now, no more other girl. but i just feel like they don't like me. if they know it's not a financial decision because we aren't getting actually married for years... they know it just means we WILL be married in the future. and they still don't support it. so idk. i just feel like they clearly don't like me. so that is really upsetting.

another reason it's really upsetting is because until i saw the before and after weight loss note he made to brag about how much more worthy i am now that i starve myself every damn day... he promised me that they didn't say anything negative about me or mention the whole engagement thing. but they did. last year, before he proposed, when he mentioned that he was about to, he didn't tell me some stuff they said about me until MONTHS later. so after this trip, naturally, i begged him to be honest, even if he thought it would hurt my feelings, i said i wanted to know anything they said about me or about the engagement. well, he, AGAIN hid it from me.

obviously i know he is just trying to protect my feelings here. but i dunno. i feel lied to. i feel hidden. it's been a year since he proposed and only my family knows. i feel like i'm a tumor in his life. i feel stupid... and i feel like starving myself.
 
Discussion starter · #114 ·
I’ve been having a rough time. With everything. There are definitely some positive things going on: we have some fun stuff planned this weekend because he got his first check and tax refund, we’ve been looking for new apartments and driving around in our future area, and we have another date planned for the mall in that area with no set day yet.

But yeah, I’ve still been struggling. There’s a song we’ve been listening to that uses the word “crutch” and I kinda forgot that my fiancé used that word to describe the girl he cheated with years ago. So that’s pretty triggering. Also yesterday I found out a small lie from the past and it was a bit of a setback, and we had a conversation about it but I still went to bed upset.

Also my ED has been kinda weird over the last week or so. I’m still 85lbs down but it’s been fluctuating more and I’ve been struggling with doing OMAD since the weekend was kinda wonky. I did it today though, so that’s a good sign. I’m ready to keep losing.

I don’t know how I feel right now. It’s been almost 3 years since everything, and like 6 years since EVERYTHING. Is it normal to still feel like this? I’m so tired of this. I’m so BORED of it. The routine of checking, eating, fasting, triggering myself, crying, checking, eating, fasting… I just don’t want to do it anymore. I hope our date this weekend helps me get out of it a little bit.
 
Discussion starter · #115 ·
I’ve been rewatching a show recently to get my mind off things. Or maybe to trigger myself more, I don’t know. But either way, I got past the second season and now I’m bored of it. No matter what I distract myself with, no day comes where I don’t think of it. No moment passes that isn’t tainted by it. Nothing feels pure anymore. The last time I felt happy and free of it was when we went to Colorado last year. I had hope then. But then we came back to this horrible place, and he still hasn’t told them… and I keep finding out new information… and I just don’t know what to think anymore. I feel so worthless. I feel like I’ve never mattered to anyone. I feel stupid. I’m still excited for this weekend, because that stupid worthless part of my brain wants to see if maybe it isn’t true. Maybe I can feel free of it again. We’ll see. At least I barely ate today.
 
Discussion starter · #116 · (Edited)
It’s coming up on the 3 year anniversary of D-Day. It’s also coming up on the 1 year anniversary of our engagement. One of them is dominating my mind… the other isn’t bringing any good either at least until he tells his parents. We’ll see how it goes, if he tells. But anyway. I always get so depressed and delusional around this time of year. I’ve been digging. I know some more things now. But I also can’t stop focusing on it and checking her accounts and being extremely obsessive. I already cry every day but now it’s just hitting at random points. Oh, I forgot to mention, a few days ago, after we finished our breakfast, I took a sip of water and said “nothing like water after —“ and I paused, and he tried to finish my sentence by saying “a heavy meal.” So yeah, that felt great. He meant because it was a rich meal not a big one, but how does that make it any better? All my brain heard was “you’re fat and you overate” so… anyway, yeah idk. Basically I’m a mess right now obsessing over the past because this time of year puts me back in a terrible place mentally. I don’t know if I’m more deeply depressed or ferociously angry or extremely anxious. I guess it’s a good mix of the three.
 
Discussion starter · #117 ·
I’m hiding in the bathroom while he calls his parents. Not sure if this is when he’s telling them or not. He didn’t mention it so probably not. I just hope it doesn’t last too long. The call started at 3:40, it’s 3:46 now. Hopefully won’t be more than 30 mins or so. I hate being cast aside and hidden. I feel so shameful. What am I supposed to do in here? It’s so boring just sitting on the toilet and staring at my phone. I can’t watch youtube or anything, it would be too loud. All I can do is type this. And when it’s over, when I go out there, then what? “Oh the call went fine” and I’ll ask if they said anything about me and he’ll just say no or that they asked how I am. That’s it. Every time. But it’s always a lie. I hate knowing that they’re saying things about me but I can’t hear them. I don’t even know if I trust him to not agree with them or go along with it just to please them. I guess he probably just awkwardly chuckles until they move on. Am I insane for thinking they might be talking shit about me? 3:49. I feel like they must be. I keep having dreams and making up scenarios in my head about them, about a conversation going poorly with them and then I flip out. I just don’t know how I’m going to ever be civil with them when I know they talk about me behind my back. I hold grudges and I cannot pretend or fake or act like I’m okay if I’m not. So I guess we’ll see how it goes in March… 3:52. Ugh. I hope he tells them. But at the same time I hope he doesn’t because I know he isn’t going to tell me everything about it. I just wish he told them last year, when it really happened, not just for my happiness but for this whole situation to not happen. I wish I could hear what was going on in there. Are they talking about my weight? Or if I have a job? Or us getting married too young? It kills me to not know. At least now that the call has started, that’s it and we can just relax for the rest of today and tomorrow. I’m excited to go tour some apartments tomorrow, that will be nice. We can finally step out of the past and really envision our future. But if the call today goes poorly… then what is our future? This fucking sucks. Why can’t he just have parents that are understanding and accepting? We’ve been together for 8 years. Why is it so bad to get engaged? They know it’s going to be a long engagement and that he already has the ring, and yet their excuse is still that it’s a “big financial decision.” They have no idea we’ve already been engaged for a year and yet they think we’re making a dumb decision to get engaged? Blind and dumb. It’s obvious they only say that because they don’t want him to do it yet. Not because of age. Not because of finances. They simply do not like me. 3:57. I thought he was about to walk in but I guess it was someone in the apartment complex hallway. Oh well. 17 minutes isn’t that long yet. I guess I can wait. Anyway, I’ve had enough of typing this. I hope the end is near. 3:59.
 
Discussion starter · #118 ·
As for the previous entry, the call went fine. They asked how I was and that was it. Just as I suspected. He didn’t tell them, and I’m not sure that he will by the 10th. Anyway, yesterday went great. We toured 3 apartments that all seem like good contenders. We got boba, I watched him skate at a skate park, and we watched Spirited Away with dinner. It was honestly a wonderful reset day. I wish the weekends didn’t always seem to end so abruptly. Today, while we were eating breakfast, I was talking about how as a kid, I really loved fruit salads, but that my mom didn’t really get me good food as a kid, she kinda just fed me junk most of the time. And he said “that’s probably why you don’t eat fruit anymore” and I was so so so upset by that. First of all, I LOVE fruit and eat it whenever I can. Second of all, I don’t buy fruit because it’s expensive as hell and I’m trying not to hurt HIS wallet. So ouch. He didn’t mean it negatively believe it or not, I know it sounds really bad but he’s right, I don’t eat fruit often, and he didn’t mean it rudely just matter-of-factly. But I want fruit all the time, it’s just too much money. Anyway, like 3 mins later, he could tell I was upset, so he was trying to change the subject. We were watching a YouTube video that happened to have a bigger girl in it and he said “would you wear that outfit?” and I got offended because I know he was only asking because we’re both big. Maybe he thought I’d look good in the outfit, idk, but he’s never asked me that about a skinny girl’s outfit. And you know what? It was an ugly outfit. Maybe I just need to chill out. Idk. I think this time of year is just really affecting me pretty badly.
 
Discussion starter · #119 ·
So, it’s the 9th. Tomorrow is our 1 year engagement anniversary. He’s promised time and time again to tell his parents by then. I’ve let this week go by without mentioning it because I feel that 1. nagging will make it more stressful and 2. if he wants to, he will. So far, no sign of it. If tomorrow passes and he doesn’t tell them, I’m not going to start a fight or make a scene. I’m just going to let it pass until he either realizes or mentions it. To be honest I think he knows, he just is hoping I’ve forgotten or that I’ll be lenient. So I will. I won’t be mad. I’ll be sad and hurt and disappointed, but I won’t be mad and I won’t take out my pain on him. I know why he’s afraid to tell them things. They’re not always nice. I get it. I wish there was a way to get past that. But it is what it is, I guess. I fucking hate that saying. But you know. I’m just gonna let the week pass. I’d rather let the guilt get him on his own without me adding to it. I don’t see a point in adding to it. Idk if I’ll be able to pretend I’m happy and having a great week, but I won’t mention the engagement stuff. Besides, it’s Valentine’s Day soon. I don’t want to ruin that. It’s not like it’s ever been ruined before in this relationship with someone’s horrific actions.
 
Discussion starter · #120 ·
Well, happy engagement anniversary to us. I went easy on him when mentioning him telling his parents about it. I told him we could just wait until he was comfortable, especially since we’ll have to see them next month for his brother’s birthday. I guess we’ll see if he waits another year. I’m just gonna pretend this isn’t happening to me. Korean bbq and some kinda fun date this weekend. Not sure if we’ll do a short road trip or go to a fun place here or what, we gotta talk about it tonight. Something to get this whole month off my mind. I’ve been struggling with not eating 2 meals a day recently because I keep eating edibles every day. But I haven’t really gained, so it’s whatever. I hope I look good in my cute date outfit this weekend. For v-day, I made him a little scavenger hunt and it’ll lead him to a drawing I did for him. I hope he likes it. I wonder if he’s gonna do or get anything for me.
 
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