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81 - 100 of 176 Posts
Discussion starter · #81 ·
:(

no matter how much time passes, handling the intrusive reminders from my broken heart is nearly impossible. good days come and go, but night is always tough. i can't fall asleep without thinking of it. it makes me physically cringe and i feel nauseous all the time. it's been months... i shouldn't still be feeling this. i don't need anyone to respond or anything, i just wanted to let this out
 
:(

no matter how much time passes, handling the intrusive reminders from my broken heart is nearly impossible. good days come and go, but night is always tough. i can't fall asleep without thinking of it. it makes me physically cringe and i feel nauseous all the time. it's been months... i shouldn't still be feeling this. i don't need anyone to respond or anything, i just wanted to let this out
I know what you feel right now, I am going through the same thing..

it's going to take a while for sure, just remember to keep being strong, and that person can go away and make pickles. they don't worth your precious time and air
 
Discussion starter · #83 ·
:(

no matter how much time passes, handling the intrusive reminders from my broken heart is nearly impossible. good days come and go, but night is always tough. i can't fall asleep without thinking of it. it makes me physically cringe and i feel nauseous all the time. it's been months... i shouldn't still be feeling this. i don't need anyone to respond or anything, i just wanted to let this out
ltachi said:
I know what you feel right now, I am going through the same thing..

it's going to take a while for sure, just remember to keep being strong, and that person can go away and make pickles. they don't worth your precious time and air
thank you so much. i hope it gets easier for you too <3
 
Discussion starter · #84 ·
got my fall uni schedule

so i am going to be a freshman this year. i had an online advising appointment today and shortly afterward was emailed my schedule for this fall semester. i am a psych major btw, i am aiming for a BS, but if my advisor thinks a BA would better suit me then i may go that route since it won't make much difference in my career options.

my classes are

first-year seminar
composition I (basically english/writing, in case it is called something different where you are)
intro to sociology
elementary french I
painting I

i am so excited! i have always been very involved in academics; i hate sports, the outdoors, and everything social. painting and french are so so so so exciting to me. i am sure french will be super difficult, but who doesn't love a challenge? i would rather take french than spanish, and i have to take a language to avoid a speech class (i would hate speech, i have horrible social anxiety). so yay!

look out world, french bob ross with a BS is coming in 2024.
 
Discussion starter · #85 ·
things are looking down, hehe haha

i self harmed for the first time in awhile yesterday; i told no one. my boyfriend has had to stay downstairs with his parents a lot this week, and after certain events, it's hard for me to deal with that. i had to apply for a second loan for my tuition yesterday. my eating disorder thoughts have been rampant. in short, this year has been going completely downhill. all i do is complain, so sorry about that, but i don't really care because this is the only place i can let out my feelings.

idk sorry for rambling shortly, i am just a mess
 
Discussion starter · #86 ·
been awhile, huh?

so it's been a bit since i posted on here...

i got a job at walgreens about a month ago. i hate it. i'm currently looking for another job.
i started college a couple weeks ago. i love it. it's going great.

walgreens is scheduling me for 9 and even 10 hour shifts. i cannot do that. physically and due to school. i asked to change that, and my boss was understanding but i still have to do one more 9 hour shift and my first 10 hour shift this week. this is my first job...

also, ed wise:

big doodoo. nothing is happening. so much walking at work, no weight loss. no weight gain. i must just be eating lots more somehow. idk. life is wild right now.

every day at work i feel like i'm on autopilot. i don't feel like it's really me who is doing all of this work.

sorry this is so jumbled. it's been too long.
 
Discussion starter · #87 ·
the worst thing i've done in a while...

so i decided i couldn't do it. i hate being a quitter and a disappointment and a waste of time anyway, but i really made it way worse than it had to be...

i lied to my boss and said i was exposed to covid because i was having a panic attack (15 mins before my shift lol) and couldn't bring myself to quit just yet. she asked if my doctor said i needed to quarantine and (having not actually gone to the doc) i lied again, saying yes. she said i would need to call SOC to report this and follow their recommendation. i was supposed to call the store to inform them of my absence as well, because she isn't there today.

so i didn't call SOC. i didn't call the store either. i didn't respond to her text.

i feel horrible for the coworkers this is affecting, but i couldn't handle the job itself. i feel so so so guilty.

i'm sorry samantha and mark and heather and carrie and leslie and bethanie and all the people in the pharmacy too.
 
Discussion starter · #88 ·
10:30pm last night (TW, TMI, kinda NSFW & general warning)

i went down to get some food. i figured no one would be down there, but as i was walking down the stairs i could see light coming from the living room, so i knew my stepdad must still be awake, because my mom was feeling sick and went to bed early.

as i turned the corner, i caught the quickest glimpse. my heart was racing and i had only seen a sliver of a snapshot of what was going on. he was sitting on the couch alone, you can probably guess what he was doing, and he quickly covered everything with a blanket. i had my phone in my hand, so i looked at my phone and pretended i didn't see. i mean, i'd rather avoid having any kind of conversation with him altogether, and i knew if i had gone right back upstairs, either he would have tried to talk to me about it or he'd tell my mom and then we'd have to talk about it. so i just looked down at my phone and walked past the couch into the kitchen.

let me make it clear, although the glance i got was very slight, i was 100000% sure that that was what he was doing. there's no doubt in my mind. but as i panicked and grabbed some milk because i wanted to get upstairs as fast as possible (i rly wanted some fruit or something but oh well) i started hearing noises.

i'm not trying to say that i think he started to do it again while i was still down there, but it's definitely what i was thinking at the time. it wasn't the general, er, slapping sound you'd think of, but more like intermittent friction. the sound of general fast movements. and i was like "hm" so i poured my milk like an idiot and went upstairs as quickly as i could. but while i was walking by the couch to get back to the stairs, i heard. like. grunting sounds? i know that sounds like a big fat lie but i really don't know if he was:

* THAT socially inept to continue while his stepdaughter was nearby (this option is honestly genuinely seriously what i'm leaning towards because he has always been a weird guy. he doesn't abide by social standards of decency: in the past, he has called me sexy, tickled me without consent, sat on me, and watched me walk upstairs before telling me he could see my ass. these were all separate occasions.)
* maybe just dumb enough to think i didn't know
* maybe just deaf enough to not be able to hear himself so he thought i can't hear him either
* maybe just doing something completely different and trying to play it off like that's what he had been doing the whole time
* maybe just doing something completely different in general but still knowing that i saw

i genuinely cannot figure out whether or not he was still doing it. i sat on my bed and just stared at the wall for like ten minutes straight. i was in complete shock.

i know this doesn't seem like a big deal, but to someone who has sexual trauma surrounding father figures, it was... horrific.
 
Discussion starter · #89 ·
two tiny vehicular incidents, hehe haha

i am very overwhelmed with life.

turns out, college is fun, but i skip far more than i did in high school. i guess it's because i feel like i can get away with it? but i'm missing lots of info, and i'm sure my attendance counts in a couple classes. so that's no good. but each time i miss school, i get more anxious about missing school which makes me wanna skip to avoid it idk idk idk. not to mention, since i want to transfer schools (moving next year) i need to figure out financial aid in a whole new state and i'm not sure how it will work. the school didn't email me back, sooo. that's fun and fresh.

also since i quit at walgreens (forever ago), i haven't been able to get and keep a job. i'm scared, because i need to move out in may 2021, but without a job, my money will have depleted to nearly $300. maybe even less.

also, driving. i have been driving for less than six months. i was doing great honestly, but just in the past week, i've hit a car and a building (separate events). i just scratched the car in the first incident, but my whole right headlight popped out when i hit the building. i'm fine though, physically anyway.

so becoming an adult... when you have social anxiety... is not fun. i don't recommend it.

the only thing going my way right now is that my application was accepted and i will be added to a training soon to become a certified peer recovery specialist. i'm excited about that (it's free) but it doesn't guarantee me any jobs. so idk.

life is just hitting me in the face wayyyy too hard this year.
 
Discussion starter · #90 ·
i moved

and i feel like i'm in limbo.

i feel like i haven't fully processed it yet.

i have been completely giving up on college. i haven't driven since my accident. and i haven't unpacked anything. and you know what? i haven't lost any weight.

my mom claimed she left my stepdad because he was negative and volatile and racist and misogynistic... but now she is trying to be friends with him. i think she just feels bad for leaving him. but if she really left because of his personality, why would she want to be friends? what if he is manipulating her or something?

when she told me she wanted to be friends with him, i thought she meant be civil and peaceful. but she said she would like... hang out with him. i... i don't understand. i couldn't believe it. i hated to be rude, but i told her how i felt. i told her that probably hurts my sister's feelings (he was very bad to my sister) and i turned on some loud music. i couldn't stand to talk or have silence.

i'm generally so uncomfortable and stressed. how am i so panicked yet not in a panic to fix everything? why is my response to stress just laziness?
 
Discussion starter · #91 ·
adolescence to adulthood

it just does not get easier. it doesn't let up.

you hit someone's car with your car. you hit a building with your car. you leave one job after a month. you leave another job within four hours of your first shift. you nearly fail all of your first semester courses in college. no one ever pays you back although they say they will. and you are left with nearly empty wallets, a huge body, and poor (but not failing) grades. you no longer drive because you're scared of parking. you have no money to buy your textbooks for college. and speaking of college, you didn't even realize it starts back up in around three days until this morning. you are so behind on everything because all you do is watch youtube and hyperfixate on the future to avoid responsibility.

life is fun.
 
Discussion starter · #92 ·
blessed by the fasting gods

fasting has been a breeze the past few days. i ate kinda shit today but nothing compared to a few weeks ago. i think i finally hit rock bottom w my eating habits and can only go up from here. i'm feeling hopeful. since i have a goal month (may), weight loss feels more attainable than other times, when i'd have only a month to go or a trivial reason for losing.

i'm wondering if i should start doing accountability? idk lmao
 
Discussion starter · #93 ·
just my inner dialogue

i moved across the country and in with my boyfriend in may 2021.

even though we are better and happier than ever, i still can't get over it. it haunts me.

i have good days, but there isn't a day that goes by where i don't check her socials or have intrusive thoughts about it. it's making it impossible to get any motivation to even think about my next semester of college. (so many things need to be done... and all i do is lie in bed and feel sorry for myself.)

my good days are nothing compared to my bad days though. i compulsively look at her tiktok but she hasn't posted in weeks. i made an anon instagram to follow her, but i still am too nervous she'll know it's me. it prob sounds like i'm a stalker but it's only instagram and tiktok and i'd never try to see her in person or contact her. basically i lurk to trigger myself???? idk. seeing/hearing her makes me want to sh or starve or binge or anything that will make me forget what i'm feeling.

why wasn't i good enough? i feel like a piece of me died in 2019, i mean it. i feel like he killed a piece of me.

i had been sh clean for months and months and months, and i self-harmed a few weeks ago, and again today. only a couple little ones,,, but i want so badly to do more. but he'll see them. i'll either have to be sneaky or just hold out and not do it. ofc i know i shouldn't. oh i also took a laxative the other day for the first time in... almost two years. i am not doing okay.

ugh and this may sound kind of petty and bratty but now is the segment where i complain about my bf even though he's great.
he changed his lockscreen from me to some art, a loooong time ago, probably during that time lol haha hehe haha. but he still hasn't changed it back... i know that's stupid, but i literally remember him saying this once "his lockscreen isn't a picture of his girlfriend? yikes" like a month ago about some guy on a dumb reality show...
another thing. during that time (lol hehe haha~~!!) i also bought MYSELF a promise ring bc i was so sad and i told everyone he got it for me and even convinced him that it was his idea... but i paid for it. so anyway, a month or so ago, i was really upset about that time(lol hehe ahah...) and i told him i wanted to have some bonding time bc i was really down. it was awesome, we wrote vows and got fake married and even carved our initials into some random stand. i kinda jokingly said i wanted him to buy me a ring that was actually from him, idc if its 30 cents i just want it to be from him and not from my own sadness. (im talking actually cheap, like we were looking at wish.com. so it's not like i was asking for anything besides the feeling of being cherished. it had nothing to do w money). so that day we looked at rings... and didnt buy one... and then a few days later, he brought it up and said to remind him... i reminded him the next day, AND for the next few days i subtly had cheap rings on my phone while he was around... eventually i gave up and deleted the apps and stuff bc i realized i'd never be getting the 30 cents of effort that i for some reason thought i deserved... how stupid can i be.
also. finding out that you STILL don't know everything (or should i say everyone) is excruciating! so, see you in another few months bc i'm bad at posting. if i make it another few months! hehe haha.
 
Discussion starter · #94 ·
how to hold yourself from happiness

my life is totally different and 100000x better than it was a while ago. but i won't lie, i am still struggling with accepting what happened in 2019.

i still check up on her socials constantly. i still find myself questioning if what i know is the entire truth. i still think about it for hours and hours in the day. i can't tell anyone that, because it's embarrassing and annoying and obsessive and i should be happier. i am happy here with him, i am genuinely seriously happy; it just feels like there's still someone laughing at me in the mirror and trying desperately to get me to hate myself for it.

i'm actually far more confident than i ever have been, but that doesn't mean there isn't still a side of me that wants to fast and post on mpa, you know? i think my ed is going to get worse now that he has a new job and i'll be alone at the apartment all the time.

i don't really know what else to add but yeah.
 
Discussion starter · #95 ·
lately

there has been this feeling deep in my chest that something is wrong. i'm not sure if it's the situation i'm in now, the past, my worries for the future, or if it's just me... but whatever it is, it feels wrong.

i am afraid here. i am stuck alone with my thoughts and worse, my memories. and even worse... the memories that should be mine, but were stolen from me.

how can it ever be pure again? no matter how much has changed, no matter how shiny and new the restart is, the glass is broken and the water is impure. full of impurities, in fact. first from the betrayal and now from my attempts at healing from the betrayal.

so what do i do? go home? try to forget and move past it? i know the choice is mine and i know what i will choose, but i don't know if that choice will prove to be fruitful. sure, overall i am better off staying here and finding myself in my new situation. but will i ever be able to experience joy without interruption? will there ever be a day where i don't at least think back on it and remind myself of my unworthiness?

i'm all alone in most ways. the only one who consoles me is a small blade that i use to slice into my legs. and the numbers on the scale going down, reaching closer and closer toward worthiness, but never quite grasping on. i'm not sure if i have it in me anymore. fight, will, whatever you want to call it. even if i can't finish myself, i will probably end up slowly dying of this feeling i've had lately.
 
Discussion starter · #96 ·
45 lbs down - (tw: sh)

started huge, still huge, but also huge progress. i don't see it but he says he sees it. i hope so, because i'm ready to replace the past.

my weight has fluctuated so greatly since middle school but now, at 20 years old, im finally losing at a steady pace and i've not gained anything in months. i'm being cautious but my mind is slipping back into old thought patterns, which i dont really mind because i wasnt really recovering, my ed was just kinda on pause for a bit there while i moved and pretended to recover.

man, am i happy to see the numbers go down. and man, does her name bleeding from my thigh give me motivation to lose more.

i did a lot of soul searching and emotion analyzing over the last few months ever since my bpd started showing its teeth. and because of my analyses, im finding who i want to be and desperately focusing on becoming that person. but also because of my bpd, knowing all this deep rooted information about my own brain makes it easier for me to restrict.

obviously my self harm habit has come back again, though. i'm not proud of that but it definitely gives me a painful itchy reminder not to eat, so i guess it's whatever. 45 lbs down, a lot more to go.
 
Discussion starter · #97 ·
i want to be a bitch for once

i am so tired of "being the bigger person"

i am so tired of being told to keep silent, just to keep the peace

MY peace is gone. i don't care about yours

i am so tired of holding in my anger and my hurt

i have been writing out these long, thorough letters to send to those who have harmed me, but i am afraid to send them. i am afraid that the people in my life who still talk to my abuser will be angry with me. but honestly, i want them to feel guilty too, for enabling the abuse, and for encouraging me to stay in it

i feel this intense pressure in my head, i just know im going to explode with anger. im not a violent person, i dont even live in the same state anymore, all i want to do is tell them how much they hurt me. i just want to surround them with their past actions and make them feel guilty, i want to entrap them the way they trapped me

listening to angry music doesnt help, writing out the letters helps but not enough. i want to send them so badly. they arent even that mean, theyre just brutally honest, and i only want to actually send it to one person... i will never send a mean letter to anyone who didnt actually do anything wrong

but him? oh god. he deserves to hear about the pain he has caused me and he deserves no fucking mercy in the words i choose. he deserves to know all the mental turmoil he forced upon me as a child. he deserves so much worse than i could ever put into a stupid fucking letter.

i want to send this letter. im slowly beginning to not care if anyone else thinks less of me afterwards. this would be the ONLY time i have EVER indulged in my impulsive ideas. why am i not allowed to express my emotions, especially if they are literally this persons fault?

someone please be the devil on my shoulder and tell me to do it, because no one will give me permission to be chaotic, and i wont listen to my own permission. why is no one angry next to me? why am i the only one who cares what he did to me? why is no one fucking pissed? why do they still talk to him? and why do people still expect me to care about them if they make a clear effort to stay in contact with him way more than me, and he isnt even their actual fucking family???? hes just a piece of shit loser that cheated on my mom and did horrible things to me, and yet my MATERNAL grandparents favor him over her and over me???? what is this fucking madness? i am so tired of it. i am s o fucking tired of it
 
Discussion starter · #98 ·
58lbs down

i'm still huge. but man the opportunities to starve have been absolutely everywhere recently. and obviously, people are encouraging me because i've always been fat, so that definitely helps me continue. even if they don't know what's really going on, they cheer me on. they don't notice that i've gone back to my 7th grade behaviors and disguised them as healthy this time.

its kind of scary to go back to watching mukbangs and listening to triggering music every day. but i think im only scared because of how goddamn comforting it is. to feel like i'm back in control. to feel like i have a really good secret. to feel like i'm becoming more worthy. why is it so comforting to feel so sick?

i'm not doing it quite as quickly as i was back in the day, but i think it'll help me keep off the weight in the long run. my bf's parents are visiting early next month and im hoping to be down at least another 8lbs by then.

let's get it
 
Discussion starter · #99 ·
life right now

life right now is pretty stressful. i'm generally sad.

we adopted a cat on july 28th and her name is tahini. she's great. but that's about the end of the positivity...

we switched plans and now we're visiting my bf's parents in early sept. which means lots of social interaction and going out in public. sea world. eating food with people. lying...

a little bit of backstory, i cant hold a job due to extreme social anxiety. my bf's parents do not know this, they think i've had a tutoring job for about a year. but they apparently mentioned to him that i'm too dependent on him and... basically they think i need to get a real job. i get it, i do! but it hurts my feelings. they have always acted a little off around me, i could always tell they didnt like me... but my bf insisted that they like me and that they had never said anything bad about me at all. well, today he folded and told me what they said about my work situation. so now, 2 weeks before i see them again, i know why they have never liked me. he still claims they like me but i know they don't. now we have to lie and say i have a job... maybe they'll like me...

and obviously my ed brain is telling me that to fix this i need to get thinner and maybe they will like me more.

we've been engaged for six months. and he still hasn't told them. do you know how embarrassing that is? my entire family knew THE DAY IT HAPPENED. and now i know why he hasn't told them. they don't like me and he is ashamed. it's so painful. not to mention how i used to be a secret for years; this brings back horrible relationship trauma for me.

also last time we visited them, they made fun of my clothes. i can't afford better than leggings and t-shirts. we were on our way to sea world and they asked if we were ready and when i said yes his stepmom said "really?" and laughed. what else am i supposed to wear? nothing?

i know they don't understand mental illness but i'm not lazy. i do all the housework, i cook, i take care of the cat... i just can't interact with others without getting overwhemled. i also can't even afford transportation to get to and from a job. i just feel like a rich family judging a poor socially awkward 20 year old in this crashing economy is not fair right now. i feel inferior in every way. i feel like i will visit them and be kind and generous and polite as always and they will still treat me like i'm not the right fit for my bf. i worry we will get back home mid-month and my bf will decide to continue to wait to tell them that we're engaged. i worry he doesn't plan on telling them at all.

i'm just sad and embarrassed and scared for the future.
 
Discussion starter · #100 ·
random annoying self info dump

i live in a really unsafe apartment complex in a really unsafe neighborhood in a really unsafe city. we’ve had our car broken into, we’ve had creepy people show up at our door, we hear sirens at least once an hour, the 7/11 AND the market next to us have been robbed on separate occasions (gunshots heard both times). we’ve had homeless people dig in our laundry. we get roaches. we’ve seen so many things on the ground outside of our apartment:
• used condoms
• underwear with shit in it
• piles of piss in the stairwell
• OCCUPIED mattresses next to the dumpster
• open pizza box with underwear in it
i fear for my life sometimes here. i am so tired of it.
yesterday some creepy guy was bothering my bf in the hallway and trying to see if my bf had any drugs. he ended up knocking on our door this morning. everything is fine since then but I’m just so tired of being here.
it makes my social anxiety worse, it makes me scared to go places and leave the apartment alone, it makes my bf spiral into psychosis due to paranoia.
we have plans to move as soon as possible but our annual lease renewed in june so we have to wait until next june to move. so we’re saving up as much as possible and hoping we don’t die before june.

idk why i’m sharing this. i guess i have no one to tell… i can’t tell my family because they’re in another state and they’ll worry for me. maybe i should anyway but… we just can’t afford to move yet. idk
 
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