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how covid-19 is affecting my eating disorder

just so no one gets it confused, i don't have coronavirus.



i am a seventeen year old girl with ednos. i live in the southeastern region of the US. there are 29 cases in my state as of this week. and this damn virus is driving me crazy.



so a third of the globe says the virus is overhyped, and another third of the globe is terrified. i am a part of the last third who doesn't know what to think. of course i am concerned by all of the deaths and the rate of contagion and such. but i have no idea whether to expect to get it or not. i have no idea whether i can laugh at a meme or not.



you know how everyone is stocking up on bleach and masks and hand sanitizer and, of course, toilet paper? you know how the stock market is at a great low right now because of families afraid of quarantine? welp, my parents stocked up on rubbing alcohol, ibuprofen, and... junk food.



not healthy food. no healthy food at all. i looked in the pantry and here is a shortened list of things i saw they had bought today:
peanut butter ding dongs (haha yes ding dongs lol yes)
fudge rounds
double chocolate muffin mix
blueberry muffin mix
two different kinds of very cheesy hamburger helper
two boxes of shell pasta



sooooo... binge food. but the problem is, i don't purge... um... orally. you can't guarantee anything with laxatives, and purging via fasting will be next to impossible right now because A: i will be stuck at home with family if school closes and they will notice if i eat nothing, B: my period is supposed to be within the next week (sorry for the tmi), and C: all of my most tempting binge food is right in front of me.



so i guess you could say i'm scared about the coronavirus. but not in the way you'd think.
i'm not scared i will get it or die or anything like that. i'm scared that my family's excursion at the grocery store will be the death of any progress i could have made during this time.
Ooof this is SUCH a big mood. I'm sorry you've got to deal with it *gentle hugs*



I also primarily purge with laxatives but the shortage of toilet paper in my area has me panicking, especially because now there's that added guilt with every purge that I'm using up what is inexplicably a limited resource -_-
 
Discussion starter · #62 ·
how covid-19 is affecting my eating disorder

just so no one gets it confused, i don't have coronavirus.



i am a seventeen year old girl with ednos. i live in the southeastern region of the US. there are 29 cases in my state as of this week. and this damn virus is driving me crazy.



so a third of the globe says the virus is overhyped, and another third of the globe is terrified. i am a part of the last third who doesn't know what to think. of course i am concerned by all of the deaths and the rate of contagion and such. but i have no idea whether to expect to get it or not. i have no idea whether i can laugh at a meme or not.



you know how everyone is stocking up on bleach and masks and hand sanitizer and, of course, toilet paper? you know how the stock market is at a great low right now because of families afraid of quarantine? welp, my parents stocked up on rubbing alcohol, ibuprofen, and... junk food.



not healthy food. no healthy food at all. i looked in the pantry and here is a shortened list of things i saw they had bought today:
peanut butter ding dongs (haha yes ding dongs lol yes)
fudge rounds
double chocolate muffin mix
blueberry muffin mix
two different kinds of very cheesy hamburger helper
two boxes of shell pasta



sooooo... binge food. but the problem is, i don't purge... um... orally. you can't guarantee anything with laxatives, and purging via fasting will be next to impossible right now because A: i will be stuck at home with family if school closes and they will notice if i eat nothing, B: my period is supposed to be within the next week (sorry for the tmi), and C: all of my most tempting binge food is right in front of me.



so i guess you could say i'm scared about the coronavirus. but not in the way you'd think.
i'm not scared i will get it or die or anything like that. i'm scared that my family's excursion at the grocery store will be the death of any progress i could have made during this time.
svana said:
Ooof this is SUCH a big mood. I'm sorry you've got to deal with it *gentle hugs*



I also primarily purge with laxatives but the shortage of toilet paper in my area has me panicking, especially because now there's that added guilt with every purge that I'm using up what is inexplicably a limited resource -_-
yes yes yes the toilet paper shortage is frightening to say the least. i hope we can find a manageable way to cope!!
 
Discussion starter · #63 ·
restriction remission

so i've been having binges. but not the kind where you feel super guilty after. the kind where you black out during them and almost forget they happened and go on with your day. the kind where you don't really care because everything is pointless.

i don't have these phases often. they are always what precedes a huge weight gain and then sometimes a huge weight loss. but this time, i caught myself.

i know why it's happening. something happened that should make me want to better my appearance and prove something to a certain person. but ever since last month, when it happened, i just feel numb and like there is no point in trying.

i have always been pessimistic, but i'm starting to think in a more nihilistic way now. oh well
 
Discussion starter · #64 ·
you say quarantine, i say 24/7 binge

i keep eating instead of finding things to do because i can't leave the house. i had so many cupcakes today, i don't even wanna say the number. i had pasta last night and again when i woke up today. i feel so incredibly full. i wish i could purge. i wish i could just suddenly be over my emetophobia and start purging. i just want to stop blacking out and eating everything???????
 
Discussion starter · #65 ·
horrible trauma-related dream

i relived my big fight day with him in my dream. i didn't dream about the actual fighting, just what happened after.

in real life, he took my phone and locked it in his gun cabinet so that i couldn't use it to call the police or any of my family.
in my dream, he took my phone and kept it on his dresser.

in real life, he made fun of me eating and called me fat and only let me eat certain amounts. this wasn't specifically on the big fight day, it was just generally always like that.
in my dream, he wasn't letting me eat. i kept hiding food and he would find it and take it away from me.

i know that doesn't sound so bad, but when you have been trying to forget someone for years and you keep getting reminded in your dreams... it stinks. at least it wasn't a dream about that day.

i need to go back to therapy
 
horrible trauma-related dream

i relived my big fight day with him in my dream. i didn't dream about the actual fighting, just what happened after.



in real life, he took my phone and locked it in his gun cabinet so that i couldn't use it to call the police or any of my family.
in my dream, he took my phone and kept it on his dresser.



in real life, he made fun of me eating and called me fat and only let me eat certain amounts. this wasn't specifically on the big fight day, it was just generally always like that.
in my dream, he wasn't letting me eat. i kept hiding food and he would find it and take it away from me.



i know that doesn't sound so bad, but when you have been trying to forget someone for years and you keep getting reminded in your dreams... it stinks. at least it wasn't a dream about that day.



i need to go back to therapy
that sounds terrible. im so so so sorry for your traumatic past. maybe therapy will help. i know its easier said then done but itll get easier.



what i find that helps is to give in and think about what is bothering me, as long as you dont obsess over it, give yourself time to think about what it is. but also give yourself time to think about good things, and do good things. do your favorite hobby, listen to your favorite band, hang out with the people who make you smile :)



feel your feelings. dont run away from them. dont supress them. feel them, acknowledge them, and think about them.



good luck and im here if you need to talk
 
Discussion starter · #67 ·
horrible trauma-related dream

i relived my big fight day with him in my dream. i didn't dream about the actual fighting, just what happened after.



in real life, he took my phone and locked it in his gun cabinet so that i couldn't use it to call the police or any of my family.
in my dream, he took my phone and kept it on his dresser.



in real life, he made fun of me eating and called me fat and only let me eat certain amounts. this wasn't specifically on the big fight day, it was just generally always like that.
in my dream, he wasn't letting me eat. i kept hiding food and he would find it and take it away from me.



i know that doesn't sound so bad, but when you have been trying to forget someone for years and you keep getting reminded in your dreams... it stinks. at least it wasn't a dream about that day.



i need to go back to therapy
loveee said:
feel your feelings. dont run away from them. dont supress them. feel them, acknowledge them, and think about them.
thank you so much for this whole comment. it means a lot :')
 
Discussion starter · #68 ·
pathetic

im moving so slowly
i see how painful and depressing and horrible purging is.
and yet i, with my extreme emetophobia, want so badly to purge to punish myself.
i know that is horrible.
my mind is trying to kill me and i am on board

i havent self harmed in a couple weeks, i think. i was gonna earlier, but funnily enough, i zoned out and forgot. i still feel like it but i can't even move. my brain is pounding out of my skull

i still can't seem to get through the pain that is haunting me since early february. it is causing so much self fucking hatred. i want to do just one cut. so bad

i keep imagining finally being able to get some food up after a binge... and having a panic attack after... but then after panicking i know for sure i would want to do it again.

six years in this awful mess of a disorder. it's changed a lot, but i still hate myself

[im so sorry for the complaints. this is the only place i share all of my ed feelings.]
 
pathetic

im moving so slowly
i see how painful and depressing and horrible purging is.
and yet i, with my extreme emetophobia, want so badly to purge to punish myself.
i know that is horrible.
my mind is trying to kill me and i am on board



i havent self harmed in a couple weeks, i think. i was gonna earlier, but funnily enough, i zoned out and forgot. i still feel like it but i can't even move. my brain is pounding out of my skull



i still can't seem to get through the pain that is haunting me since early february. it is causing so much self fucking hatred. i want to do just one cut. so bad



i keep imagining finally being able to get some food up after a binge... and having a panic attack after... but then after panicking i know for sure i would want to do it again.



six years in this awful mess of a disorder. it's changed a lot, but i still hate myself



[im so sorry for the complaints. this is the only place i share all of my ed feelings.]
i'm so proud of you for being clean. fuck yeah, go you. Message me if youre ever feelin down love x. i'm here if you need me
 
Discussion starter · #70 ·
pathetic

im moving so slowly
i see how painful and depressing and horrible purging is.
and yet i, with my extreme emetophobia, want so badly to purge to punish myself.
i know that is horrible.
my mind is trying to kill me and i am on board



i havent self harmed in a couple weeks, i think. i was gonna earlier, but funnily enough, i zoned out and forgot. i still feel like it but i can't even move. my brain is pounding out of my skull



i still can't seem to get through the pain that is haunting me since early february. it is causing so much self fucking hatred. i want to do just one cut. so bad



i keep imagining finally being able to get some food up after a binge... and having a panic attack after... but then after panicking i know for sure i would want to do it again.



six years in this awful mess of a disorder. it's changed a lot, but i still hate myself



[im so sorry for the complaints. this is the only place i share all of my ed feelings.]
Yoongay said:
i'm so proud of you for being clean. fuck yeah, go you. Message me if youre ever feelin down love x. i'm here if you need me
omg thank you :) this is so kind <3
 
pathetic

im moving so slowly
i see how painful and depressing and horrible purging is.
and yet i, with my extreme emetophobia, want so badly to purge to punish myself.
i know that is horrible.
my mind is trying to kill me and i am on board



i havent self harmed in a couple weeks, i think. i was gonna earlier, but funnily enough, i zoned out and forgot. i still feel like it but i can't even move. my brain is pounding out of my skull



i still can't seem to get through the pain that is haunting me since early february. it is causing so much self fucking hatred. i want to do just one cut. so bad



i keep imagining finally being able to get some food up after a binge... and having a panic attack after... but then after panicking i know for sure i would want to do it again.



six years in this awful mess of a disorder. it's changed a lot, but i still hate myself



[im so sorry for the complaints. this is the only place i share all of my ed feelings.]
give up on purging hon please. no matter how hard it is you have to stop. im sure youre well aware but purging is so bad. to hell with the shallow problems of purging (tho those are terrible as well) the mental parts of it are so so bad.



purging can be hard to stop but its so worth it. find a reason to quit and stick to it.



good luck and take care. also congrats on the not self harming!!!! that is a very big victory!!!!
 
Discussion starter · #72 ·
pathetic

im moving so slowly
i see how painful and depressing and horrible purging is.
and yet i, with my extreme emetophobia, want so badly to purge to punish myself.
i know that is horrible.
my mind is trying to kill me and i am on board



i havent self harmed in a couple weeks, i think. i was gonna earlier, but funnily enough, i zoned out and forgot. i still feel like it but i can't even move. my brain is pounding out of my skull



i still can't seem to get through the pain that is haunting me since early february. it is causing so much self fucking hatred. i want to do just one cut. so bad



i keep imagining finally being able to get some food up after a binge... and having a panic attack after... but then after panicking i know for sure i would want to do it again.



six years in this awful mess of a disorder. it's changed a lot, but i still hate myself



[im so sorry for the complaints. this is the only place i share all of my ed feelings.]
loveee said:
good luck and take care.
thank you so much. i'm doing my very best and your kind words really help motivate me to be safer <3
 
Discussion starter · #73 ·
coughed up some blood

TW, also don't read if you don't wanna hear me whine. i am so sorry. you really can ignore this because i realize how annoying it will be to read. sorry

i honestly think i might be near the end of my time. maybe it's the trauma talking and the horrible thing that i discovered in february. but i have learned some new information. and i just... i think maybe my worth is less than i ever thought. i wish i had a cat to cuddle right now. i honestly wish i was as numb as i used to be, because now all i feel is pain. people have commented super nice things that mean so much right now... and i am so sorry that i keep complaining.

really connecting to brompton cocktail by a7x right now. i am contemplating lots of things. rethinking stupid impressions i had a few months ago. wondering how i was so positive when deep down, i knew.

i see a future for myself. i can see myself living in a cute little house with my boyfriend and having the job i want and making lots of pies and playing lots of animal crossing... but i am not sure if that outweighs the fight. what i am going through right now does not seem like it will end anytime soon. it is getting worse every day. hiding it is getting harder. i'm not sure if i want to fight for years only to possibly get the life i want. especially with such high chances that my ED will never go away, or worse: it will happen again.

i wish i was an inanimate object. i want to never feel things again.

and hey, Throat, you didn't have to bleed today
 
coughed up some blood

TW, also don't read if you don't wanna hear me whine. i am so sorry. you really can ignore this because i realize how annoying it will be to read. sorry



i honestly think i might be near the end of my time. maybe it's the trauma talking and the horrible thing that i discovered in february. but i have learned some new information. and i just... i think maybe my worth is less than i ever thought. i wish i had a cat to cuddle right now. i honestly wish i was as numb as i used to be, because now all i feel is pain. people have commented super nice things that mean so much right now... and i am so sorry that i keep complaining.



really connecting to brompton cocktail by a7x right now. i am contemplating lots of things. rethinking stupid impressions i had a few months ago. wondering how i was so positive when deep down, i knew.



i see a future for myself. i can see myself living in a cute little house with my boyfriend and having the job i want and making lots of pies and playing lots of animal crossing... but i am not sure if that outweighs the fight. what i am going through right now does not seem like it will end anytime soon. it is getting worse every day. hiding it is getting harder. i'm not sure if i want to fight for years only to possibly get the life i want. especially with such high chances that my ED will never go away, or worse: it will happen again.



i wish i was an inanimate object. i want to never feel things again.



and hey, Throat, you didn't have to bleed today
I'm here for you if you wanna talk.
 
Discussion starter · #75 ·
i mean, dang.

i don't feel like writing anything but i need to get this out
i asked someone what i am on the bbw scale
they said i am chubby, getting to bbw
i asked simply to have motivation to starve and just to see what they would say
but i feel pretty shat on now. my bad, i guess. at least they were honest
 
Discussion starter · #76 ·
triggered by diet talk

this will be a long one. this is basically a quick vent. don't feel obligated to read.

my sister was feeling really down today. she was supposed to pick up a treadmill she's buying, but the seller postponed.

to give you some background, i've had an ED for about six years now. i have always been overweight, but my weight fluctuates so furiously due to my ED (and right now i am at a higher weight). my sister had always been underweight, as a kid and as a teen. she gained weight a couple years ago, and has been dieting on and off ever since. but she is still at a healthy and normal weight. i was extremely secretive about my ED until NEDA Awareness Week back in february, when i posted a very short explanation of my ED and how i plan on advocating for sufferers and those recovering/recovered. so she didn't know until then, but she definitely for sure knows now.

so today when i came downstairs for a minute and we talked, she was very discouraged and kept mentioning how she couldn't start her diet until she had the treadmill. she told me that she couldn't even look in the mirror. then said "well, i can, but i sure do wanna barf." and then followed that up with keto diet talk. i was literally cooking pasta while she was talking. and as soon as she mentioned it, i decided to eat fast, chew well, and head straight to the shower. i was so triggered. i know that's horrible. i care so much about my sister and don't want to see her go through what i have, but i was so incredibly triggered and shocked by what she said that i had almost no response. i had no clue what to say to her.

is it wrong for me to feel a teeny tiny bit hurt that she didn't consider that i definitely don't need to be hearing about diets? i am significantly heavier than her, so it hurt that she was putting herself down for her body, BUT i very much realize that she isn't hating on people who are bigger than her, it is most certainly just a problem within her own self esteem. i am mainly just hurt that she didn't consider that diet talk is not healthy for me... but now that i think about it, she probably thinks dieting is healthy and actually works. so i get it.

i don't know. i am really concerned for her but because of my own easily-triggered self, i don't know how to talk to her about this. i would like to be able to say "diets are a cycle. when you "fail" at your diet and end up gaining weight, it is still part of the diet. the part where you fail is the same as the part where you restrict your intake and feel good. it is all the same process that is designed to make you fail. you don't need to diet. if you are unhappy with your body, it is due to your own mental self esteem and insecurity and lack of control, and it doesn't mean that your body is problematic. instead of focusing on restriction, intake, or burning off your food, you should focus on finding the balance that your body is asking for. i have struggled with this for years, and i'm not saying i understand exactly what you are going through nor that i have it any worse than you. i simply want you to take this piece of knowledge, whether you use it or not: diets will only lead to what feels like failure. you will be much better off finding food freedom, letting yourself enjoy what your body wants, and discovering that your body is not the problem. the world has set this up so that when we buy diets, we are buying failure. we are spending money on a cycle that lines the pockets of people who don't care. you will be much happier, i promise, if you eat intuitively and focus on your mental health and why it is that you want to be smaller. why is it important when we only have ~80 years? spend your life creating a better relationship with food and how you treat yourself, because damn it, you deserve better. i realize this is not a life-changing message, and i probably didn't change your mind about keto, but i just want you to know that i think you deserve better than to set yourself up for more self hatred."

but how do i say that when i am sitting there all triggered thinking about purging lmao
 
triggered by diet talk

this will be a long one. this is basically a quick vent. don't feel obligated to read.



my sister was feeling really down today. she was supposed to pick up a treadmill she's buying, but the seller postponed.



to give you some background, i've had an ED for about six years now. i have always been overweight, but my weight fluctuates so furiously due to my ED (and right now i am at a higher weight). my sister had always been underweight, as a kid and as a teen. she gained weight a couple years ago, and has been dieting on and off ever since. but she is still at a healthy and normal weight. i was extremely secretive about my ED until NEDA Awareness Week back in february, when i posted a very short explanation of my ED and how i plan on advocating for sufferers and those recovering/recovered. so she didn't know until then, but she definitely for sure knows now.



so today when i came downstairs for a minute and we talked, she was very discouraged and kept mentioning how she couldn't start her diet until she had the treadmill. she told me that she couldn't even look in the mirror. then said "well, i can, but i sure do wanna barf." and then followed that up with keto diet talk. i was literally cooking pasta while she was talking. and as soon as she mentioned it, i decided to eat fast, chew well, and head straight to the shower. i was so triggered. i know that's horrible. i care so much about my sister and don't want to see her go through what i have, but i was so incredibly triggered and shocked by what she said that i had almost no response. i had no clue what to say to her.



is it wrong for me to feel a teeny tiny bit hurt that she didn't consider that i definitely don't need to be hearing about diets? i am significantly heavier than her, so it hurt that she was putting herself down for her body, BUT i very much realize that she isn't hating on people who are bigger than her, it is most certainly just a problem within her own self esteem. i am mainly just hurt that she didn't consider that diet talk is not healthy for me... but now that i think about it, she probably thinks dieting is healthy and actually works. so i get it.



i don't know. i am really concerned for her but because of my own easily-triggered self, i don't know how to talk to her about this. i would like to be able to say "diets are a cycle. when you "fail" at your diet and end up gaining weight, it is still part of the diet. the part where you fail is the same as the part where you restrict your intake and feel good. it is all the same process that is designed to make you fail. you don't need to diet. if you are unhappy with your body, it is due to your own mental self esteem and insecurity and lack of control, and it doesn't mean that your body is problematic. instead of focusing on restriction, intake, or burning off your food, you should focus on finding the balance that your body is asking for. i have struggled with this for years, and i'm not saying i understand exactly what you are going through nor that i have it any worse than you. i simply want you to take this piece of knowledge, whether you use it or not: diets will only lead to what feels like failure. you will be much better off finding food freedom, letting yourself enjoy what your body wants, and discovering that your body is not the problem. the world has set this up so that when we buy diets, we are buying failure. we are spending money on a cycle that lines the pockets of people who don't care. you will be much happier, i promise, if you eat intuitively and focus on your mental health and why it is that you want to be smaller. why is it important when we only have ~80 years? spend your life creating a better relationship with food and how you treat yourself, because damn it, you deserve better. i realize this is not a life-changing message, and i probably didn't change your mind about keto, but i just want you to know that i think you deserve better than to set yourself up for more self hatred."



but how do i say that when i am sitting there all triggered thinking about purging lmao
don't feel bad, i'm the same, it can go either way though tbf - sometimes I find myself lecturing people on the right ways to lose weight (bc i have so much experience doing it the wrong way lmao) and sometimes I just go quiet, like when people tell me they've lost lots of weight and they were never big to begin with I just don't know what to say, I feel awkward and get super introverted, as for the ED thing, people won't ever take us seriously unless we're stick thin and look like we're going to die. it's bullshit but i've just stopped expecting people to be aware or care
 
triggered by diet talk

this will be a long one. this is basically a quick vent. don't feel obligated to read.



my sister was feeling really down today. she was supposed to pick up a treadmill she's buying, but the seller postponed.



to give you some background, i've had an ED for about six years now. i have always been overweight, but my weight fluctuates so furiously due to my ED (and right now i am at a higher weight). my sister had always been underweight, as a kid and as a teen. she gained weight a couple years ago, and has been dieting on and off ever since. but she is still at a healthy and normal weight. i was extremely secretive about my ED until NEDA Awareness Week back in february, when i posted a very short explanation of my ED and how i plan on advocating for sufferers and those recovering/recovered. so she didn't know until then, but she definitely for sure knows now.



so today when i came downstairs for a minute and we talked, she was very discouraged and kept mentioning how she couldn't start her diet until she had the treadmill. she told me that she couldn't even look in the mirror. then said "well, i can, but i sure do wanna barf." and then followed that up with keto diet talk. i was literally cooking pasta while she was talking. and as soon as she mentioned it, i decided to eat fast, chew well, and head straight to the shower. i was so triggered. i know that's horrible. i care so much about my sister and don't want to see her go through what i have, but i was so incredibly triggered and shocked by what she said that i had almost no response. i had no clue what to say to her.



is it wrong for me to feel a teeny tiny bit hurt that she didn't consider that i definitely don't need to be hearing about diets? i am significantly heavier than her, so it hurt that she was putting herself down for her body, BUT i very much realize that she isn't hating on people who are bigger than her, it is most certainly just a problem within her own self esteem. i am mainly just hurt that she didn't consider that diet talk is not healthy for me... but now that i think about it, she probably thinks dieting is healthy and actually works. so i get it.



i don't know. i am really concerned for her but because of my own easily-triggered self, i don't know how to talk to her about this. i would like to be able to say "diets are a cycle. when you "fail" at your diet and end up gaining weight, it is still part of the diet. the part where you fail is the same as the part where you restrict your intake and feel good. it is all the same process that is designed to make you fail. you don't need to diet. if you are unhappy with your body, it is due to your own mental self esteem and insecurity and lack of control, and it doesn't mean that your body is problematic. instead of focusing on restriction, intake, or burning off your food, you should focus on finding the balance that your body is asking for. i have struggled with this for years, and i'm not saying i understand exactly what you are going through nor that i have it any worse than you. i simply want you to take this piece of knowledge, whether you use it or not: diets will only lead to what feels like failure. you will be much better off finding food freedom, letting yourself enjoy what your body wants, and discovering that your body is not the problem. the world has set this up so that when we buy diets, we are buying failure. we are spending money on a cycle that lines the pockets of people who don't care. you will be much happier, i promise, if you eat intuitively and focus on your mental health and why it is that you want to be smaller. why is it important when we only have ~80 years? spend your life creating a better relationship with food and how you treat yourself, because damn it, you deserve better. i realize this is not a life-changing message, and i probably didn't change your mind about keto, but i just want you to know that i think you deserve better than to set yourself up for more self hatred."



but how do i say that when i am sitting there all triggered thinking about purging lmao
That's so tough and I'm so sorry! But it is completely and totally normal for you to have that response to that - it's super triggering for 99% of ED people when the diet convos come up, and especially if it's someone like your sister. Tbh, knowing that, you would think she would have thought more about how it would affect you, but people ask or say some weird stuff with literally no thought (I had an ex ask me whether he could lose weight by starving, triggering AF) so who knows tbh
 
triggered by diet talk

this will be a long one. this is basically a quick vent. don't feel obligated to read.



my sister was feeling really down today. she was supposed to pick up a treadmill she's buying, but the seller postponed.



to give you some background, i've had an ED for about six years now. i have always been overweight, but my weight fluctuates so furiously due to my ED (and right now i am at a higher weight). my sister had always been underweight, as a kid and as a teen. she gained weight a couple years ago, and has been dieting on and off ever since. but she is still at a healthy and normal weight. i was extremely secretive about my ED until NEDA Awareness Week back in february, when i posted a very short explanation of my ED and how i plan on advocating for sufferers and those recovering/recovered. so she didn't know until then, but she definitely for sure knows now.



so today when i came downstairs for a minute and we talked, she was very discouraged and kept mentioning how she couldn't start her diet until she had the treadmill. she told me that she couldn't even look in the mirror. then said "well, i can, but i sure do wanna barf." and then followed that up with keto diet talk. i was literally cooking pasta while she was talking. and as soon as she mentioned it, i decided to eat fast, chew well, and head straight to the shower. i was so triggered. i know that's horrible. i care so much about my sister and don't want to see her go through what i have, but i was so incredibly triggered and shocked by what she said that i had almost no response. i had no clue what to say to her.



is it wrong for me to feel a teeny tiny bit hurt that she didn't consider that i definitely don't need to be hearing about diets? i am significantly heavier than her, so it hurt that she was putting herself down for her body, BUT i very much realize that she isn't hating on people who are bigger than her, it is most certainly just a problem within her own self esteem. i am mainly just hurt that she didn't consider that diet talk is not healthy for me... but now that i think about it, she probably thinks dieting is healthy and actually works. so i get it.



i don't know. i am really concerned for her but because of my own easily-triggered self, i don't know how to talk to her about this. i would like to be able to say "diets are a cycle. when you "fail" at your diet and end up gaining weight, it is still part of the diet. the part where you fail is the same as the part where you restrict your intake and feel good. it is all the same process that is designed to make you fail. you don't need to diet. if you are unhappy with your body, it is due to your own mental self esteem and insecurity and lack of control, and it doesn't mean that your body is problematic. instead of focusing on restriction, intake, or burning off your food, you should focus on finding the balance that your body is asking for. i have struggled with this for years, and i'm not saying i understand exactly what you are going through nor that i have it any worse than you. i simply want you to take this piece of knowledge, whether you use it or not: diets will only lead to what feels like failure. you will be much better off finding food freedom, letting yourself enjoy what your body wants, and discovering that your body is not the problem. the world has set this up so that when we buy diets, we are buying failure. we are spending money on a cycle that lines the pockets of people who don't care. you will be much happier, i promise, if you eat intuitively and focus on your mental health and why it is that you want to be smaller. why is it important when we only have ~80 years? spend your life creating a better relationship with food and how you treat yourself, because damn it, you deserve better. i realize this is not a life-changing message, and i probably didn't change your mind about keto, but i just want you to know that i think you deserve better than to set yourself up for more self hatred."



but how do i say that when i am sitting there all triggered thinking about purging lmao
I'm sorry she said that in front of you, it is pretty insensitive =(



Even if she now knows about your ED she may not know how to talk about food/eating in an appropriate way. Could you set some boundaries down between you about what you both feel comfortable with? I know that is easier said than done.


Hope it gets easier =)
 
Discussion starter · #80 ·
triggered by diet talk

this will be a long one. this is basically a quick vent. don't feel obligated to read.



my sister was feeling really down today. she was supposed to pick up a treadmill she's buying, but the seller postponed.



to give you some background, i've had an ED for about six years now. i have always been overweight, but my weight fluctuates so furiously due to my ED (and right now i am at a higher weight). my sister had always been underweight, as a kid and as a teen. she gained weight a couple years ago, and has been dieting on and off ever since. but she is still at a healthy and normal weight. i was extremely secretive about my ED until NEDA Awareness Week back in february, when i posted a very short explanation of my ED and how i plan on advocating for sufferers and those recovering/recovered. so she didn't know until then, but she definitely for sure knows now.



so today when i came downstairs for a minute and we talked, she was very discouraged and kept mentioning how she couldn't start her diet until she had the treadmill. she told me that she couldn't even look in the mirror. then said "well, i can, but i sure do wanna barf." and then followed that up with keto diet talk. i was literally cooking pasta while she was talking. and as soon as she mentioned it, i decided to eat fast, chew well, and head straight to the shower. i was so triggered. i know that's horrible. i care so much about my sister and don't want to see her go through what i have, but i was so incredibly triggered and shocked by what she said that i had almost no response. i had no clue what to say to her.



is it wrong for me to feel a teeny tiny bit hurt that she didn't consider that i definitely don't need to be hearing about diets? i am significantly heavier than her, so it hurt that she was putting herself down for her body, BUT i very much realize that she isn't hating on people who are bigger than her, it is most certainly just a problem within her own self esteem. i am mainly just hurt that she didn't consider that diet talk is not healthy for me... but now that i think about it, she probably thinks dieting is healthy and actually works. so i get it.



i don't know. i am really concerned for her but because of my own easily-triggered self, i don't know how to talk to her about this. i would like to be able to say "diets are a cycle. when you "fail" at your diet and end up gaining weight, it is still part of the diet. the part where you fail is the same as the part where you restrict your intake and feel good. it is all the same process that is designed to make you fail. you don't need to diet. if you are unhappy with your body, it is due to your own mental self esteem and insecurity and lack of control, and it doesn't mean that your body is problematic. instead of focusing on restriction, intake, or burning off your food, you should focus on finding the balance that your body is asking for. i have struggled with this for years, and i'm not saying i understand exactly what you are going through nor that i have it any worse than you. i simply want you to take this piece of knowledge, whether you use it or not: diets will only lead to what feels like failure. you will be much better off finding food freedom, letting yourself enjoy what your body wants, and discovering that your body is not the problem. the world has set this up so that when we buy diets, we are buying failure. we are spending money on a cycle that lines the pockets of people who don't care. you will be much happier, i promise, if you eat intuitively and focus on your mental health and why it is that you want to be smaller. why is it important when we only have ~80 years? spend your life creating a better relationship with food and how you treat yourself, because damn it, you deserve better. i realize this is not a life-changing message, and i probably didn't change your mind about keto, but i just want you to know that i think you deserve better than to set yourself up for more self hatred."



but how do i say that when i am sitting there all triggered thinking about purging lmao
Daffodillegs said:
Hope it gets easier =)


Ismene said:
That's so tough and I'm so sorry!


next phase said:
don't feel bad, i'm the same
thank all of you so much <3 i didn't expect anyone to read this. i think i will try to set some boundaries and explain to her how much it will hurt her to do it the way she wants to.
 
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