Hi!
This is more like a place for me but if it can help someone then I'll be more than happy.
The most important things about me are:
☆ I'm 20 yo.
☆ I've gained and lost weight in cycles since I was 14.
☆ I have a hidden perfectionist in me.
☆ I have many passions but they're all creative and art is the main one.
☆ I have lost the desire to get help for my eating and to be "normal" so now I'll just count my calories and enjoy the restriction. Basically - I don't want to recover.
What is my plan and why I'm doing this?
So as I contemplated to binge or not to binge when I go home on friday, I started counting calories for the possible binge. It came around 7000. But then I tried to calculate how much I would be on my names day on 11th february if I would stick to my calorie limit.
My limit is 700 kcal average per day.
My main goals:
11th February - 50.8 kg (bmi 18.4)
I can't say no to a gift of being underweight again.
28th February - 48.4 kg (bmi 16.7)
After this day I'm defending my art project so if I looked better, I would be more confident and could preform better.
31st March - 43.9 kg (bmi 15.6)
At this point it's gonna be quite warm and I'll be able to stop worrying about how I look. I've never been that low but I might feel content for a while and so around this point I'll work for maintaining it.
I didn't even realise how all it would take is 2 months for myself to feel and look a lot better and to finally prove myself that I can stay consistent with restriction.
How I plan to achieve it?
Making goals and planning things is always nice but what matters is the way to the goal not the goal itself. This time I'll start with my mindset. My first step is to forgive myself for giving up in the past and not being consistent. My next goal is to change my approach. I have learned that being scared of "unhealthy" and "impure" foods only makes me give up and binge. By allowing myself a bit less healthy foods and planning in some unhealthy foods as a reward I will only strengthen my willpower. The saying "Don't reward yourself with food, you're not a dog" doesn't work here. Food is one of the best rewards if it's still controlled. This would also take away my anxiety about buying unhealthy things since I would know that even if I buy something unhealthy that I'm still on track. Another fear I want to overcome is eating many smaller meals. I get scared of eating even if I'm hungry when I have to be in public after or feeling hungry in evenings. I will approach this slowly but it might be useful when I need a spike in my motivation and energy to do daily chores. And lastly I will use low calorie drinks like coffee, energy drinks, tea, zero coke and water to curb the hunger and stay hydrated. I'll really just try drinking more tea since I drink too much caffeine but this will only be as an extra step just for my health.
Now as life is unpredictable I need some emergency rules/plans.
On weekends I will say no to pastries my dad offers me and get something healthy instead. To not feel deprived I will plan out a day in a weeks time to work in even better pastrie in my calorie limit.
If we have cake at home but I haven't planned for it, I'll eat a half of it next day and replace the calories of the other half with something more satisfying.
If I get gifted or given any food I'll also try to plan it in my intake. (This doesn't happen often.)
If I want to have a higher calorie day I will have to compensate on other days by lowering my limit by max 200 kcal.
I'll always keep in mind how close to the goal I am. I will be happy about the process and will enjoy it. I'll live my life however I want and stop worrying about only being on my way to a goal. I'll only exercise if I want to because I'd enjoy it. I will paint not for school but for the feeling I get when I put my ideas out in the world. I will do everything just for myself because if I deprive and punish myself I will be trapped forever.
Now, I know this has been long but I had to write it out because for the first time in a while I actually am excited about this and I actually see no other way to go on and be even a lil bit happy. I could wish myself patience and luck but those things will come naturally.
This is more like a place for me but if it can help someone then I'll be more than happy.
The most important things about me are:
☆ I'm 20 yo.
☆ I've gained and lost weight in cycles since I was 14.
☆ I have a hidden perfectionist in me.
☆ I have many passions but they're all creative and art is the main one.
☆ I have lost the desire to get help for my eating and to be "normal" so now I'll just count my calories and enjoy the restriction. Basically - I don't want to recover.
What is my plan and why I'm doing this?
So as I contemplated to binge or not to binge when I go home on friday, I started counting calories for the possible binge. It came around 7000. But then I tried to calculate how much I would be on my names day on 11th february if I would stick to my calorie limit.
My limit is 700 kcal average per day.
My main goals:
11th February - 50.8 kg (bmi 18.4)
I can't say no to a gift of being underweight again.
28th February - 48.4 kg (bmi 16.7)
After this day I'm defending my art project so if I looked better, I would be more confident and could preform better.
31st March - 43.9 kg (bmi 15.6)
At this point it's gonna be quite warm and I'll be able to stop worrying about how I look. I've never been that low but I might feel content for a while and so around this point I'll work for maintaining it.
I didn't even realise how all it would take is 2 months for myself to feel and look a lot better and to finally prove myself that I can stay consistent with restriction.
How I plan to achieve it?
Making goals and planning things is always nice but what matters is the way to the goal not the goal itself. This time I'll start with my mindset. My first step is to forgive myself for giving up in the past and not being consistent. My next goal is to change my approach. I have learned that being scared of "unhealthy" and "impure" foods only makes me give up and binge. By allowing myself a bit less healthy foods and planning in some unhealthy foods as a reward I will only strengthen my willpower. The saying "Don't reward yourself with food, you're not a dog" doesn't work here. Food is one of the best rewards if it's still controlled. This would also take away my anxiety about buying unhealthy things since I would know that even if I buy something unhealthy that I'm still on track. Another fear I want to overcome is eating many smaller meals. I get scared of eating even if I'm hungry when I have to be in public after or feeling hungry in evenings. I will approach this slowly but it might be useful when I need a spike in my motivation and energy to do daily chores. And lastly I will use low calorie drinks like coffee, energy drinks, tea, zero coke and water to curb the hunger and stay hydrated. I'll really just try drinking more tea since I drink too much caffeine but this will only be as an extra step just for my health.
Now as life is unpredictable I need some emergency rules/plans.
On weekends I will say no to pastries my dad offers me and get something healthy instead. To not feel deprived I will plan out a day in a weeks time to work in even better pastrie in my calorie limit.
If we have cake at home but I haven't planned for it, I'll eat a half of it next day and replace the calories of the other half with something more satisfying.
If I get gifted or given any food I'll also try to plan it in my intake. (This doesn't happen often.)
If I want to have a higher calorie day I will have to compensate on other days by lowering my limit by max 200 kcal.
I'll always keep in mind how close to the goal I am. I will be happy about the process and will enjoy it. I'll live my life however I want and stop worrying about only being on my way to a goal. I'll only exercise if I want to because I'd enjoy it. I will paint not for school but for the feeling I get when I put my ideas out in the world. I will do everything just for myself because if I deprive and punish myself I will be trapped forever.
Now, I know this has been long but I had to write it out because for the first time in a while I actually am excited about this and I actually see no other way to go on and be even a lil bit happy. I could wish myself patience and luck but those things will come naturally.