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2 "impossible" months 🗓✅

980 views 17 replies 3 participants last post by  cinnamonbunny 
#1 ·
Hi!
This is more like a place for me but if it can help someone then I'll be more than happy.
The most important things about me are:
☆ I'm 20 yo.
☆ I've gained and lost weight in cycles since I was 14.
☆ I have a hidden perfectionist in me.
☆ I have many passions but they're all creative and art is the main one.
☆ I have lost the desire to get help for my eating and to be "normal" so now I'll just count my calories and enjoy the restriction. Basically - I don't want to recover.

What is my plan and why I'm doing this?
So as I contemplated to binge or not to binge when I go home on friday, I started counting calories for the possible binge. It came around 7000. But then I tried to calculate how much I would be on my names day on 11th february if I would stick to my calorie limit.
My limit is 700 kcal average per day.
My main goals:
11th February - 50.8 kg (bmi 18.4)
I can't say no to a gift of being underweight again.
28th February - 48.4 kg (bmi 16.7)
After this day I'm defending my art project so if I looked better, I would be more confident and could preform better.
31st March - 43.9 kg (bmi 15.6)
At this point it's gonna be quite warm and I'll be able to stop worrying about how I look. I've never been that low but I might feel content for a while and so around this point I'll work for maintaining it.

I didn't even realise how all it would take is 2 months for myself to feel and look a lot better and to finally prove myself that I can stay consistent with restriction.

How I plan to achieve it?
Making goals and planning things is always nice but what matters is the way to the goal not the goal itself. This time I'll start with my mindset. My first step is to forgive myself for giving up in the past and not being consistent. My next goal is to change my approach. I have learned that being scared of "unhealthy" and "impure" foods only makes me give up and binge. By allowing myself a bit less healthy foods and planning in some unhealthy foods as a reward I will only strengthen my willpower. The saying "Don't reward yourself with food, you're not a dog" doesn't work here. Food is one of the best rewards if it's still controlled. This would also take away my anxiety about buying unhealthy things since I would know that even if I buy something unhealthy that I'm still on track. Another fear I want to overcome is eating many smaller meals. I get scared of eating even if I'm hungry when I have to be in public after or feeling hungry in evenings. I will approach this slowly but it might be useful when I need a spike in my motivation and energy to do daily chores. And lastly I will use low calorie drinks like coffee, energy drinks, tea, zero coke and water to curb the hunger and stay hydrated. I'll really just try drinking more tea since I drink too much caffeine but this will only be as an extra step just for my health.

Now as life is unpredictable I need some emergency rules/plans.
On weekends I will say no to pastries my dad offers me and get something healthy instead. To not feel deprived I will plan out a day in a weeks time to work in even better pastrie in my calorie limit.
If we have cake at home but I haven't planned for it, I'll eat a half of it next day and replace the calories of the other half with something more satisfying.
If I get gifted or given any food I'll also try to plan it in my intake. (This doesn't happen often.)
If I want to have a higher calorie day I will have to compensate on other days by lowering my limit by max 200 kcal.

I'll always keep in mind how close to the goal I am. I will be happy about the process and will enjoy it. I'll live my life however I want and stop worrying about only being on my way to a goal. I'll only exercise if I want to because I'd enjoy it. I will paint not for school but for the feeling I get when I put my ideas out in the world. I will do everything just for myself because if I deprive and punish myself I will be trapped forever.

Now, I know this has been long but I had to write it out because for the first time in a while I actually am excited about this and I actually see no other way to go on and be even a lil bit happy. I could wish myself patience and luck but those things will come naturally.
 
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#2 ·
Food Table Tableware Bottle Rangpur


Food I had today...
I stayed under 800 calories.

My mental state is still not good. I slept for 12 hours total but after first 2 I couldn't fall asleep for 5 hours so I ended up waking up at 3pm. I stayed in my room almost the whole day. I only went to the store around 4pm with a friend and I kept talking about how I'm feeling and shit. After that I switched between eating and painting. Before 9pm I started a videocall with my mom and we just ended it after 2am. I complained too much once again. I have no clue why I'm doing this since noone seems to be able to help me. I guess it's the only thing I can talk about rn.
I do think that if I somewhat got my life together I might be able to talk about other things. My mom pointed out how being stuck indoors probably just makes it worse and I have to agree that I have this strong calling to go outside even if it would be when I skip school. I must try and go for more walks or just start going to stores and shopping with my eyes...
I also realised that fully giving up on school shouldn't be the answer but I also can't push myself to do my best every day. I guess the most I could be doing at this point is doing the bare minimum, even if it means going to lessons without homework or going to the most easy lessons, it's better than skipping and then being upset.

My plan tomorrow is to wake up before 9 and go to my lessons. I might skip english if I really don't feel like I can handle it but then I have to find something productive to do instead. I won't be taking last months portrait to painting class but I will take the sketches I did today. I guess I'll just try to listen to lots of music as a distraction from my emotions and I might need something to do in breaks. I might actually get an energy drink at lunch break but if I do I won't buy coffee in school (might take some with me).
After school I might just chill in my room and do one of my hobbies and then just distract myself with internet. I don't think I'll have energy for homework but I might take a shower.
I guess that's it. I'm really scared to do things tomorrow but if I just stick to my calories I'll be happy enough. I just want to be able to do the bare minimum so I don't feel all of this guilt and shame.
 
#3 ·
Gesture Art Font Painting Illustration

Liquid Drinkware Sleeve Fluid Gesture

Food Tableware Banana Saba banana Ingredient


Drawings I did today and food. I didn't finish all the grapes so I might have them as an uncounted snack. Calories 808 with the grapes.

I only slept for 3 hours last night. I did go to all of my lessons today. I would say I even did more than I expected. I got a grade in English for this month, I continued my venus (?I think) drawing and got quite far in painting the new portrait of this really good looking old lady. Honestly in the first painting lesson I just couldn't figure out what I was doing but when I got to painting the face I just let myself go free and I start using my fingers to fix spots and stuff and once in a while my teacher would look and said that I was doing quite good and when lessons ended she even told others that I was doing a great job (forgot to take the picture). After that I was just discussing the sketches I made with her and my friend and other stuff. She liked my sketches, she also said that I was even painting better than others today. And in the end she brought up again the fact that "I am just blooming this year". That is partly bullshit because mentally I'm not good. But also she said it because I have lost weight since last year so I guess I'm just more aesthetically pleasing this year. It makes me wonder if that is the reason why I get away with so many things so easily this year. It also just motivates me to lose more weight so I could impress even more people.

I do feel ready for sleep already and I even brushed my teeth so I just wanted to write down what happened today and what I'm planning for tomorrow.
I'll probably wake up quite early so I might knit untill it gets bright outside. Then I could go for a walk since I don't have the first 3 lessons. I'll probably buy coffee in school and try to find anything comforting in breaks. After school I might go to the big store on the other side of the city. I will have to decide what to eat tomorrow and I might have a treat like an ice-cream that I've been wanting lately. After I get back I might wash some clothes or take a shower and I'll also just work on my sketches a little bit. It might all change but I'll be happy if I do atleast 1/2 of the things. The most important part of tomorrow is to stay under 700 calories and burn 200.
 
#4 ·
Hand Snow Automotive tire Freezing Tin can

Food Rangpur Valencia orange Clementine Tangelo


One of 2 energy drinks I had today and todays food. (Ice-cream was a treat that I worked for)

I fell asleep quite fast yesterday but then I woke up after an hour and a bit later. It took me a few more hours to fall asleep again and I think I even woke up before my alarm.
I did have a long day so I'll try to write short. I went to that big store in the other side of the city and got 2 energy drinks before school. I also went trough a park and stared at the outdoor gym there and I might start going there in spring if I'll be able to find a time when noone's there.
After my walk I got ready for lessons and went to school. I had a conversation with my teacher about me skipping school and my mental health. She said that if I ever feel like I can't handle things anymore that I can talk with her. I told her that I'm worried about PE lessons and she said that we'll figure it out. She also said that I'm better that some students that go to classes but I won't really agree with that.
In last lessons we had a test about advertising so I did my best and left to buy food. When I got back I cooked the vegetables while eating ice-cream and I also ate tuna after. At one point I tried to have a nap cuz I was feeling like I can't go on any longer. I might have slept for like 5 or 10 mins cuz I felt better and sleepy after but I'm not sure, might have just been really close to falling asleep. After that I had some coffee and the fruits. Then I cleaned my room a bit and did other stuff. Before midnight I worked out for 40 mins and then just danced (I'm shit at it but really enjoy it) for 20 mins.
So in the end I burned 211 kcal by walking, did an hour of basically working out and ate under 650 kcals.
It's 1:26 am now and hopefully I can fall asleep fast and finally get good sleep.
I'm anxious about tomorrow cuz I have 10 lessons and I have skipped last 2 thursdays. I will have to go to a store that's further away cuz I have to take cash out so I'm not sure what I'll eat tomorrow. I also have to paint a shit ton and I really need to wash clothes and have a shower... I have no clue how I'll make it...
 
#5 ·
Food Ingredient Recipe Cuisine Font


Food today (420 calories).
Calories burned by walking 126.

I got up and pushed myself to go to school even if I wanted to skip it even while putting on my shoes. I went to the first lesson and my classmate was surprised that I'm in school because we had computer graphics lessons today and she was not afraid to point it out. So I ended up only going to first 5 lessons and skipped the other 5. I got back to my room on lunchbreak, had a coffee and then had quite a good nap. Woke up still feeling tired af but slowly got up and got ready to go to the store and check if I have money. I guess the cash machine was broken or something because it just wouldn't show me... so I bought myself food and got back. The strawberries took so long to eat but I didn't even really like them. I didn't end up doing anything else after, maybe because I was still hungry?

I have been thinking about the fact that what I'm doing isn't really sustainable but I have no clue what to change to help myself function. I also think it's just me being really lonely and not having a reason why I should get my shit together.

I am planning to skipp school tomorrow and just have this weekend to think and decide on what I should change. I can't belive I'm going home this week and I'm a bit excited cuz I have candy from my mom at home but I am also scared that I will lose control and eat too much. I should probably just keep in mind that I'm almost at my lowest weight since last february. I might just have to up my intake but then the weightloss will be even slower and I already hate how slow it's going.
I just have to take it one day at the time. I'll try and wakeup around 10 or 11 am and get ready for the train and stuff. I might also go on a walk before the train or something because why not? My train is at 4 pm so I might actually have a snack even if I'm not used to it. I just can't let myself drive home hungry and then binge.
 
#6 ·
Uff... I did end up "binging" (overeating) this weekend.
I guess the reason really is that I try to act like this is just some little silly diet I'm doing and then I go on being all disordered and shit.
I think I really need to find something sustainable. I have been dreaming about this perfect lifestyle I want to have but then I try to do what seems the most effective weightloss thing in my head. I really do need to think about it as a lifestyle change to sustain the weightloss. I really have to enjoy not eating shit food, I have to enjoy the healthy things. And I mean this is not gonna be this new colourful thing, it's gonna get boring and repetitive. I will eat the same foods most of the time.
I also really have to stop focusing on food and have to say goodbye to some of the dumbest food rules I have and focus on my wellbeing.
Some of the rules I definetly need to break:
☆ Having one meal a day after school, I want to have 3 meals instead.
☆ Not eating before having to be in public, I need to have small meals before going to school and be okay with having food in my stomach or even being a bit bloated.
☆ Eating plain things like plain yogurt, instead I want to mix these things with fruits and vegetables and make something that actually looks like a meal. Yoghurt with fruit or chickpeas with salad and stuff like that.
Rules that I am not ready to break but should:
â—‡ Eating in public, would give me a lot more chance to be social.
â—‡ Not spending money on expensive healthy things, I can only break this if I figure out how to be smart with money.
Lifestyle changes I want to make:
♡ Have average 7 hours of sleep every night
♡ Have 2 liters of water every day (I can still have coffee but water and tea is the main foccus)
♡ Eat more fruits and vegetables
♡ Exercise 1 hour 45 mins every week

My standards might seem quite low rn but I really can't be leading the lifestyle I have rn.

I might write more in the evening but for now I wanna just relax and enjoy the rest of my train ride.
 
#7 ·
I have to go to the bank tomorrow at 16:30 so I am anxious af but I really need to sort this out otherwise I'll have to live on the oatmeal I have (I might have to do it for a few days already).
I didn't workout as I wanted to today but I did a bit of painting. I also skipped dinner. I will try and find time to workout tomorrow.
I have decided to try and get to an underweight bmi until my names day anyways even if I feel like it might not be possible. I might have to be a bit more strict this week and really active for the first part of the week.
I'll try to get some sleep now and I've planed to take a shower in the morning. I haven't done that in ages but if I wake up before 7 it might be possible.
I also don't have the first 2 lessons tomorrow so I might just try and relax or study at that spare time.
 
#8 ·
Hi!
This is more like a place for me but if it can help someone then I'll be more than happy.
The most important things about me are:
☆ I'm 20 yo.
☆ I've gained and lost weight in cycles since I was 14.
☆ I have a hidden perfectionist in me.
☆ I have many passions but they're all creative and art is the main one.
☆ I have lost the desire to get help for my eating and to be "normal" so now I'll just count my calories and enjoy the restriction. Basically - I don't want to recover.

What is my plan and why I'm doing this?
So as I contemplated to binge or not to binge when I go home on friday, I started counting calories for the possible binge. It came around 7000. But then I tried to calculate how much I would be on my names day on 11th february if I would stick to my calorie limit.
My limit is 700 kcal average per day.
My main goals:
11th February - 50.8 kg (bmi 18.4)
I can't say no to a gift of being underweight again.
28th February - 48.4 kg (bmi 16.7)
After this day I'm defending my art project so if I looked better, I would be more confident and could preform better.
31st March - 43.9 kg (bmi 15.6)
At this point it's gonna be quite warm and I'll be able to stop worrying about how I look. I've never been that low but I might feel content for a while and so around this point I'll work for maintaining it.

I didn't even realise how all it would take is 2 months for myself to feel and look a lot better and to finally prove myself that I can stay consistent with restriction.

How I plan to achieve it?
Making goals and planning things is always nice but what matters is the way to the goal not the goal itself. This time I'll start with my mindset. My first step is to forgive myself for giving up in the past and not being consistent. My next goal is to change my approach. I have learned that being scared of "unhealthy" and "impure" foods only makes me give up and binge. By allowing myself a bit less healthy foods and planning in some unhealthy foods as a reward I will only strengthen my willpower. The saying "Don't reward yourself with food, you're not a dog" doesn't work here. Food is one of the best rewards if it's still controlled. This would also take away my anxiety about buying unhealthy things since I would know that even if I buy something unhealthy that I'm still on track. Another fear I want to overcome is eating many smaller meals. I get scared of eating even if I'm hungry when I have to be in public after or feeling hungry in evenings. I will approach this slowly but it might be useful when I need a spike in my motivation and energy to do daily chores. And lastly I will use low calorie drinks like coffee, energy drinks, tea, zero coke and water to curb the hunger and stay hydrated. I'll really just try drinking more tea since I drink too much caffeine but this will only be as an extra step just for my health.

Now as life is unpredictable I need some emergency rules/plans.
On weekends I will say no to pastries my dad offers me and get something healthy instead. To not feel deprived I will plan out a day in a weeks time to work in even better pastrie in my calorie limit.
If we have cake at home but I haven't planned for it, I'll eat a half of it next day and replace the calories of the other half with something more satisfying.
If I get gifted or given any food I'll also try to plan it in my intake. (This doesn't happen often.)
If I want to have a higher calorie day I will have to compensate on other days by lowering my limit by max 200 kcal.

I'll always keep in mind how close to the goal I am. I will be happy about the process and will enjoy it. I'll live my life however I want and stop worrying about only being on my way to a goal. I'll only exercise if I want to because I'd enjoy it. I will paint not for school but for the feeling I get when I put my ideas out in the world. I will do everything just for myself because if I deprive and punish myself I will be trapped forever.

Now, I know this has been long but I had to write it out because for the first time in a while I actually am excited about this and I actually see no other way to go on and be even a lil bit happy. I could wish myself patience and luck but those things will come naturally.
Hi hi :) I’m a full-blown perfectionist which is tiring at times but extremely effective as well
 
#9 ·
I sorted out my problems with the bank and I also had to go to police this morning to talk about some stuff that happened a year ago. It was really horrible cuz I got really low after hearing that and cried all monday but I'm glad it's over and can just forget about it and push it in the back of my head again. I did even relapse on cutting again but it always comforts me for some reason. I am also just feeling much better now, might be a bit manic tbh but I love it. I actually had a shower and now I think I look just gr8 and I'm getting quite skinny and shit. I just want to keep going. I want to keep doing shit I have to do even if it doesn't feel gr8 at the time. I feel like maybe I can actually do everything I want to do. It sounds dumb to type it out but yea. I've been tracking my sleep and water intake, still working on those, did everything I could school wise today. Maybe if I could get a bit more independent and grown up I could move to England and get a good job and live my dream life. But yea, the point I actually want to make is that I just want to stick to being on track this month and see where it takes me. I like how it's going now. I am actually working on having more meals and this just feels more easy tbh. I love it. The only thing is I'm starting to feel the sideeffects of restricting so that kinda sucks a bit cuz I'm not used to being cold and stuff like that anymore. I guess I'll just deal with it, it's worth it. I want to keep going this time, I have to. I have never been this damaged but so strong at the same time.
 
#10 ·
I've been on track for the most part. I did overeat at home as I mentioned and I did eat more than my limit today but I still stayed around 1500 kcals, I did this on purpose as it was my name's day today. I did enjoy the food I had even if I feel like I could have made a better choice and had just a bigger amount. But obviously it's just a day where I ate more and it's not the last time.
The thing that does frustrate me is that I have only lost 0.4 kg since writing here. Mathematically it doesn't even make sense cuz I'm sure I didn't overeat by that much and I also restricted lower and exercised beforehand.
It freaks me out a bit and a few things are possible:
1. my tdee is a lot lower than I think and is around 1150 kcals
2. what you do on daily basis matter more than the average ci/co
3. I have not been that precise with my calorie counting (probably the most likely one)

How can I resolve this:
1. Accept that sometimes I make mistakes
2. Forgive myself for not reaching the goal of being underweight as fast as I wanted and use this as a motivation to keep going
3. Continue to eat under 800 kcals
4. Try and have 2+ meals every day
5. Focus on water and sleep
6. Continue getting my life on track (do schoolwork and get more mentally stable)

Honestly I just feel a bit stuck here at dorms and I think I'll start driving home every weekend for a while. I just have to figure out a way to stay on track at home. I might have to plan stuff out everytime I get home or buy meals before going home, I'll figure it out.
I am just sick of how I've been feeling for the past few months and I think I'm actually finally getting better. I've been doing more and just feeling more alive, I've been pushing myself and I just really have to continue or else I will fall again and everything in my life will suffer and my dreams will be dead and unfulfilled. I just want to do what I have to do for now I guess, even if I suck at it.

Anyways, here's what I had today + unpictured broccoli and brouselsprouts.
Green Ingredient Packaging and labeling Plastic Superfood
 
#11 ·
Food Green Natural foods Fruit Ingredient


Food I had today.
I actually had a really good day today and did lots of things. A week before I would have never believed that I could be as productive. Now I'm just a bit tired and tbh really hungry. So I won't write a lot but I'll try and plan out food for tomorrow and then fall asleep.
Weight is still not going down but I also have been constipated a bit.
Lots of water and decent sleep.
 
#12 ·
Forgot to take a picture of my food today but I ate around 750 kcals.
I have been so hungry today omg. I also run out of energy now in the evening. It might have been the sweets that I've been eating or just anything really. I am excited about being able to include more sweets in my meals lately. It just gives so much joy to my lil fat soul tbh.😅 The problem is that now I just want to eat sweets and fruits constantly and some vegetables ofcourse. But yea, I just hope I won't continue wanting sweets constantly. I mean I do want to eat nuts one of these days and just healthy things. I have so many meal ideas. I guess I just have to be patient and just eat what I can afford in my calories rn. I do want to up my calories but it would have it's quonciquences.
I guess it's that time again where I've messed up my period and am getting 2 in a month so I'll have to start taking the vitamins my mom sent me and see if they help. I also have to buy pads tomorrow so I might just do that in the morning and buy my food for the day then. I might actually keep my calories low as an experiment if the vitamins actually work. And I should buy multivitamins tomorrow even if they're expensive.
I'm still constipated and Idk how this works cuz I've been eating a good amount just spacing it out but I guess this is also the reason why my scale won't go down.
Oh... I also have this thought that when I reach underweight I might up my calories to 900 cuz I start liking how I look so slow progress doesn't sound that bad but Idk yet, I want to get there first.
 
#13 ·
Food Tableware Ingredient Cuisine Natural foods

A pic of my pathetic dinner.
I spent 1 hour 20 minutes just eating that. It's crazy. I literally had a shower before that and only spent 40 mins in the shower. Plus I don't even feel like I'm getting any energy from my meals lately. After my lunch I started to feel burned out and couldn't focus on anything. I tried doing many things but ended up taking a shower. I did feel a bit better after the shower but then I had my dinner so I guess that kinda ruined it since I lost so much time on that... maybe I should have really early or tinny dinners. Like a treat or something for dinner. Or maybe I should up my calories. I really can't decide on this since I want to keep losing quite fast but I also have to focus on school and getting my shit together and especially the qualification work. Maybe I really should prioritise school but then again I am scared that upping my calories will make me fall off track or make me irritated and depressed. Maybe the struggle is the actual thing that I need to keep me somewhat motivated...
I really want to think about this more. I need to find the right thing for me. I can't keep thinking about food constantly but I also can't keep being ashamed and isolate myself and just be depressed.
 
#14 ·
I haven't posted in a while, I guess I'm just kinda scared to not live up to my expectations. In my head this should just be a place to track and post really aesthetic pictures of my food and stuff, but in reality I can't go from where I am now to where I want to be in a few days. I have to work on consistency in all aspects of my life.
Nothing seems to be going how I want, I keep sabotaging myself. I binged last 2 days and ate 900 kcals today. I am now thinking about going back to omad. I think that is the way that I can make this easy for myself in a way that I only have to plan out one meal. I do plan to drink unlimited coffee with almond milk but yea, I don't think that eating 3 meals a day works for me.
I keep having quite bad anxiety about my health, tbh that's the main reason why I binged. I have this weird feeling in one side of my body, particularly my arm. It feels like a cramp or something like that. It did go away after yesterdays binge but now it's back. I have no clue how to get rid of it and I just have to get used to it and not focus on it. I also had a really light period last week I think and it was like an extra period as usual but this time it was so light that I wonder if I will actually get another one or if I will finally be free. LOL... XD Also forgot to take my vitamins for 2 days but I will take them tomorrow since I don't have to worry that I might be allergic to them anymore since I still have that feeling.
I did drink lots of senna tea yesterday and have skipped school for 2 days. I even lied to my classmate and a teacher today that I have a stomach bug. I didn't want to lie but I also didn't want to admit that I have chosen to take a day off just to shi* my guts out because I ate too much yesterday. It's also funny because it was just plain fucking carbs. I binged on buckwheat flakes and oatmeal, who the f does that?
Anyways, I guess there will always be setbacks in life and that doesn't mean that I have to give up. I just have to really look for things that I have to change and question what methods work for me. And some things I just have to accept and push trough.
Honestly I still have the same struggles. I can't seem to lose weight still or lose it fast enough, I might have to start working out a few mins everyday or I might just have to push trough and be really consistent with my diet. I also just feel like ditching all my ''friends'' and just isolate myself from them because my worldview is different now and I don't really have lots in common with them other than fashion or school/art. I also don't get almost any support from them in my struggles. I just tend to feel like I would be better on my own when I don't have to worry about anyone else and I can just do things on my own. I think just ditching anyone who could go somewhere with me will make me do more things alone and that will actually cure my social anxiety. Another reason for all of this is the fact that this is the last year anyways and it would just make moving to England easier cuz first of all I would have already dealt with the emotions already and the following reason is that I would have gotten used to doing things alone and lastly that would help me be more independent since I always look for others to even help me going to a store. My mom mentioned me that her bf doesn't really approve of me moving in with them since I always need help with something but I feel really eager to prove him wrong. I feel like doing things on my own will just give me such a confidence boost and then I won't be scared to do the things I have to do.
Like honestly, fuck this shit! I just really need to use the time I have left to work on my life. I don't have the time to deal with others being depressed. As bad as it sounds I'm just starting to accept that I am quite narcissistic but I don't see it as a bad thing. I just love to do the things that make me feel better and I don't want to always worry that I might be bothering someone or making them feel uncomfortable or shit like that.
Honestly I feel like being alone and getting my shit together is the hottest thing I can fucking do. I want to stop being ashamed of the way that I exist, I don't care what others think about me or what I eat or do or like or how I live, how loud I am.
I will focus on me. This suffering is over, I have to be free now. I have to do the things I want, when I want, how I want. Nothing else works for me. This life is not working for me and I have to change it.
 
#15 ·
Oh, this is funny... I didn't notice that I still have 2 profiles here and posted from my second one. Lol!
Well... I'm not typing that shit again or copying it just to post from the other one. I don't even know how to log in any of my things rn. I just type the email and password that I feel like I have and get happy when I get in, I guess somewhere along the way I have kept 2 accounts.
This really just shows how much I need to get my shit together...
 
#16 ·
I'm posting from my computer again so it's from this profile again.

It's almost 2 pm already, I woke up at 11am. Had 2 coffees this far and have just been thinking about food and what I could eat today. Honestly hate that this is where my brain goes first. I guess that if I would just push trough this and not be so stressed then I would just forget about food and start thinking about other things more. I just have to train my brain I guess. I have to decide on one thing and forget about food. I don't think the time of the meal matters because I would think about food anyways. I just have to push trough this and work even if I want to think about food. It's quite pathetic tbh, I should be thinking about my goals.
I still have the feeling in my arm and it might be related to my heart but hey, I won't die, not at this weight, I have a shit ton of fat my body can still burn. I guess if I have a more serious ache I will be more careful. And I might just need to eat some things that are more nutritious.
I have so many things I wanna do again, but I guess I have to stick with the ones that are the most important for me rn.
My to-do list for the day:
take out the trash (my new trash bags are purple, so I'm excited about this)
crochet (I want to make a green and sparkly white blanket, excited, I must take pictures of it)
finish or get close to finishing my qualification work presentation so I can just stop worrying about it and get ready for presenting it to class and then the actual presenting
I have to take a shower today, so I wouldn't have to deal with waiting for the keys tomorrow
I guess I'll have a videocall with my mom now to lift up my mood and have a reason to get dressed and put off eating for an hour or 2
also would just love to clean my phone gallery even if that will be a long process that will take days, cleaning 2 albums will be good enough for the day
 
#17 ·
I will be honest and just admit to myself here that I fucked up and ate at maintenance again today.
I do know that I can do better at every aspect in my life if only I would just find a way that works the best for me and stick with it and push trough days that are harder. I don't want to be so soft on myself forever because it doesn't help me in the long run.
I feel like if I could just get on track with everything... maybe the main focus should be sticking to a calorie limit, after all that is what affects my self-worth the most. I haven't been the most honest with myself. I really should focus on the calories and forget about all the fears I have outside of it. Honestly at this point my worst fear is to maintain my weight and never get over the fear of actually finishing a thing I've been working on. Same goes for the presentation, school, my paintings, the blanket. I can't just start things and never finish them and already make them like parts of my personality. I don't want to be misshapen, that's my worst fear. I fear to stay the same because staying the same for me means insanity.
Especially now I have more time and opportunity to work on myself than ever before. I have so much free time that I get lost and forget about my priorities. I keep thinking about things, analysing them, writing about them but I miss out on actually working on them and appreciating the chance to work on them. This puts me in a constant state of stress.
The only way I can actually change things is to set realistic, clear cut goals that I can execute everyday and set a time limit for checking in with them, then actually stick with the plan and see the results, then get the motivation to keep going from the results.
I have to stay busy and use stress as a motivator to push myself. I can't be taking breaks the way that I've been doing it. I just have to change the task or take a no phone break.

My main goals for the next week:
Do well on the presentation
Lose 1 kg
Go home at the weekend no matter what
Go for as many walks as I can
Finish one personal project (the blanket)

Goals for tomorrow:
Eat less than 500 kcals (the type of food doesn't matter)
Spread out my meals, the last meal is around bedtime
Go for a walk in the morning
Go to all of my lessons
Go clothes shopping after my lessons (alone, buy new jeans)
Do at least one homework in the evening
Just generally make the day the most awesome as it can be

STOP DREAMING, START DOING!
 
#18 ·
Okay, so I am really happy about today and where I have arrived at the end. I can't be too proud or too soft on myself but I can definetly let myself be happy about the effort I was able to get out of myself today.

The day started rather quite lazy and bad, I could not bring myself to feel happy or motivated. I hated everyone, I was just dreading beeing in school and then the breaking point in the day happened. A teacher got a bit mad at me and I had a full mental breakdown while I was sending my presentation to her. I actually did bite my arm twice quite hard and I also cried, I guess I just need to be alone sometimes to have a mental breakdown. After that I did have to fake being fine for a while but it got easier as I was doing things, trying to not slip in to negative thought patterns and being self aware. I was really tired after school so I had like a 5 min nap. It was hard to get out of that self pitty space again but in the end I did all my homework. Obviously I did have the possibility to do more, but there is always mistakes to fix and problems to solve. It's most likely the same with mindsets, always a shadow to be aware of... I find the philosophy of Charl Young (?) to be really effective for me rn.
I do want to text my friends mom tomorrow because I can't just complain to my mom anymore and I do think that just ignoring the situation won't help anyone, pushing it away won't solve it.
I also want to go to the charity shop tomorrow and just buy something nice for myself as a way to treat myself and destress, and just be a bit selfish. I am really scared to start working on professional art outside of school but I do think it's time to start tricking my brain in doing that.
I won't hope that tomorrow will be better. I am excited to push myself more than I did today and stick with the priorities I have written down here. I am excited to crawl out of my fucking shell and take responsibility for my actions.
Food wise today was not so bad. I had around 550 kcals. I suppose that I was so emotional and tired because of the changes in my hunger hormones and not taking the vitamins. I just have to get used to eating small meals instead of few big ones, it will work the best for the routine I am creating.
Also I'm just really excited for the muesli bar I'll be able to eat for breakfast and to see if the number on the scale is lower, but that might not be the case since my digestion is not the best atm.

Okay. I'm actually adding one more goal for this week: Go to all lessons. Oversleeping might happen, but don't skip any of them on purpose, it just does create more problems later.
 
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