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☾ magpie's diary ☽

2K views 52 replies 2 participants last post by  MagpieTheAlmighty 
#1 · (Edited)
So i was thinking about creating a blog like this for probably longer than I should have.
The truth is, there's a lot going on in my life and I don't want to litter my personal diary with endless entries about calories and food and my thoughts on relapsing, possibly recovering etc. I know I'll cringe at myself in just a matter of days. Throwing it out in the open in here seems like a better idea.

So, for an introduction: I'm 21 years old, currently in uni. I attempted recovery and was actually doing pretty good for a couple of years, but here I am again. I honestly think I was looking for an excuse to relapse, or maybe my apparent recovery wasn't as truthful as I told myself it was. Or maybe I wasn't "sick enough", maybe there wasn't anything to recover from. And now the smallest shit was enough for me to decide it's time to ruin myself again.

Another thing is I'm a cheap ass bitch, my goal is to save as much money this month as possible. I just got paid, so tomorrow I'm going out to buy a scale and I'll be tracking both my calories eaten as well as money eaten.

I'm 165 cm (5'5"), my hw was probably something around 63 kg (139 lbs), my cw will be updated as soon as I get a scale. Ugw is 45 kg (99 lbs).

30/12/2022
Calories eaten: 702
Money eaten: Not counting just yet
Exercise: Null lmao, lazing around all day
Weight: ???

Breakfast: tomato (25) + cucumber (12) + hard-boiled egg (76)
Dinner: boiled potatoes (79) + fried eggs (162) + broccoli (39) + oil (9)
Snack: quarter of a sweet bun (75) + two slices of toast (110) + ham (31) + tomato (8)
 
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#2 ·
31/12/2022
Calories eaten: 0
Money eaten: 0
Exercise: 1.2k steps (laughable, but walking alone is boringgg)
Weight: 57.2 kg (126 lbs)

Not sure why, but buying the scale was SO embarrassing. I must've looked so suspicious running out of the store like crazy.
Also on my way out of the block I passed a woman on the stairs who was returning from a jog and for a second I thought she was my flatmate (she wasn't, I just have really dirty glasses). Seeing her finish her exercises made me feel so guilty and self conscious that I almost dropped the idea of going out.
It's such a stupid feeling. I knew full well I wasn't going to be active today, not while fasting, or I'd feel like death tomorrow and probably throw myself at food. It's just that everyone around me seems to be doing better.
 
#4 ·
I'm really glad I could pass as someone from English-speaking country! I'm actually European though 🤷🏼‍♀️
 
#5 · (Edited)
01/01/2023
Calories eaten: 620
Money eaten: 0, I used foods that I already had
Exercise: 50 min workout + 20ish min yoga
Weight: 56.4 kg (124 lbs)

Breakfast: tomato (25) + cucumber (12) + hard-boiled egg (76)
Dinner: pearl barley (163) + frozen veggies (68) + fish fingers (111) + oil (29) + soy sauce (11)
Snack: quarter of a sweet bun (75) + skyr (50)

When I woke up in the morning I felt like I could go another day without eating, but as soon as I stood up that familiar lightheadedness hit me. It's actually kind of pleasant, I learnt to like it a lot, but I needed to do some studying and exercising today, so fasting wasn't on the table. Maybe during summer holidays, but certainly not when I need to perform.

Tomorrow I'll go get some groceries, get some steps in and hopefully my favourite kind of ice cream will be out of stock - I can never resist buying some when I see them available. Even now, when I'm not really feeling hunger, they bring back so many good memories.

I want to do some yoga before bed, but my legs are still tired from the workout earlier, so we'll see how that goes.

So I guess that's all for today. 2023, eh? I feel so old, even though I was celebrating my birthday literally a week ago. I wish I could be younger, maybe then my stupidity could be justified. I feel like at this point I really should know better.
 
#6 · (Edited)
02/01/2023
Calories eaten: 382
Money eaten: 0, still using what I already have (but I did buy some stuff today)
Exercise: 30ish min yoga + 50ish min workout + 7.4 k steps
Weight: 55.8 kg (123 lbs)

Dinner: pearl barley (163) + frozen veggies (68) + fish fingers (111) + oil (29) + soy sauce (11)

And just like that I'm oficially at the weight I was in high school. The lowest since 2019. Still fat as fuck. Oh well, let's keep going.

Honestly, on this site I feel both at home and like a fraud. Sometimes I want to reply to someone and then delete everything, because "what if you say something dumb and everyone will notice that you're an fake ass anorexic, wait another few months, lose some more weight, restrict some more, maybe then you'll have something smart to say". Lmao brain, what the fuck?

It's actually kinda early still, but I think it's safe to assume I won't be eating any more today. Most of my flatmates are home and I go into full blown fight-or-flight when someone sees me cooking - if I'm cooking that means I'm gonna be eating, and eating is fucking embarrassing.
 
#7 · (Edited)
03/01/2023
Calories eaten: 337
Money eaten: 3,63
Exercise: 25 min workout (I'm just kinda tired and sad today, but writing it down made me feel guilty, so I might just do some more exercises) edit: + 15 min workout + 30ish min yoga
Weight: 55.8 kg (123 lbs)

Breakfast: tomato (25) + cucumber (12) + hard-boiled egg (76)
Snack: quarter of a sweet bun (75) + two slices of toast (110) + ham (31) + tomato (8)

My room's a mess, I need to clean it up a bit tomorrow, I shouldn't live like that.

I did absolutely nothing today. I studied for a tiny bit, but nowhere near enough, considering I have a big test approaching.

My crush also texted me that he's going on only a double espresso today - what a way to make me competitive.

I am that friend that feeds everyone. I used to bake cookies and then give them to anyone who wanted some. Last year I made bomb ass fudge and also feed my entire friend group. But it's not because I want them all fatter than I am - I just want them healthy and happy and enjoying food like normal people. I want this so much, especially for my crush (who's basically fasting his entire life, feeding this guy is a nightmare) and my best friend, who also has a history of disordered eating.

I just can't seem to find that level of care and passion towards myself.

I've always felt the need to destroy the very essence of my being. Sometimes I hated myself so much I wanted to scratch my skin off, like my nails could remove that dirty layer of disgust and hatred. Other times I cut myself. Then I swapped it for smoking. For some time I also wanted to try drugs - never did though and probably never will. Not my style I guess.

And... what now. How do I cope with that deep desire to ruin myself to the bare ground? Razor blades disfigured me, smoking was too damn expensive. This feels perfect. Losing weight, starving feels like the ideal solution. Restricting is easy and natural like breathing.
 
#8 · (Edited)
04/01/2023
Calories eaten: 668
Money eaten: 7,96 (total: 11,59)
Exercise: 9.5k steps + 30ish min yoga
Weight: 55.4 kg (122 lbs)

Breakfast: tomato (25) + cucumber (12) + hard-boiled egg (76)
Dinner: boiled potatoes (79) + fried eggs (162) + broccoli (39) + oil (9)
Snack: apple (25) + kvarg (64) + cereal (40) + kinder bueno (111)

So my crush is getting hit on by his coworker lmao.

I feel like I should maybe be jealous? But I can't, I don't have it in me. Maybe because it's a mutual crush and we're just being lazy with establishing what our relationship is, or maybe I've finally matured enough to understand that no amount of jealousy will keep him interested if my personality (or whatever made him attracted to me in the first place) doesn't manage to do that.

But I totally get why he's so popular, my man's looking like a million bucks and even better, considering his personality.

But look at me, being happy, stupid and infatuated 😅
 
#9 · (Edited)
05/01/2023
Calories eaten: 354
Money eaten: 2,11 (total: 13,70)
Exercise: 20ish min yoga + 50 min workout
Weight: 55.7 kg (123 lbs)

Breakfast: two slices of toast (110) + hard-boiled egg (76) + ham (31) + tomato (8)
Snack: kvarg (64) + apple (25) + cereal (40)

So yesterday evening I wanted sweets so bad. I was so sure I was going to binge. I deliberately bought sweets that would still place me under 1000 calories, even if I ate them all (and although 1000 calories is my overall daily limit, I don't really feel comfortable reaching it, as you can already see from previous posts. But I know that low restriction will make me binge, sooner or later, so I tried to be as kind to myself as I could). I bought protein pudding (heckin expensive, that was a big mistake, but I thought it wouldn't hurt to get some protein in and maybe the chocolate flavour would help with cravings), kinder bueno and kinder country. And... I ate only one kinder bueno. 111 calories. I wasn't exactly satisfied, but the threat of binging on everything in sight went away.

And today I didn't even look at the sweets.

I think it may be because I used to restrict all week and then have one maintenance day and I guess my body was used to that system. But, yeah, no, I'm not gonna do it anymore. 300 cals feels safe, 500 feels achievable and anything above is scary. But I'll do my best to be flexible.
 
#10 · (Edited)
06/01/2023
Calories eaten: 799
Money eaten: 9,97 (total: 23,67)
Exercise: 50ish min workout
Weight: 55.4 kg (122 lbs)

Breakfast: two slices of toast (110) + hard-boiled egg (76) + ham (31) + tomato (8)
Dinner: boiled potatoes (79) + fried eggs (162) + broccoli (39) + oil (9)
Snack: protein pudding (148) + kinder bueno (111)

Yesterday's horror story: my blog disappeared. There was no mention of it in the number of discussions created, no notifications, nothing. By the time I was up in the morning it was back. I still have no idea what happened, but I'm glad it's not lost in the void of the internet.

My scale is acting a little sketchy. The first time I weight in today it showed 55.7kg, when I switched it to measure fat percentage, muscle and so on and it showed 55.4 kg with the exact same percentages as two days ago, I mean it can't be true, right? Even the same amount of water? But then again it detected when I stepped on it fully dressed, so I'm not sure what to think.

I had every intention of upping my calories today to 900 or maybe 1000, because I don't really like fluctuating between the same 300 grams, but that protein pudding was SO sweet and now I'm so full I'm not sure I should eat any more food today. Usually eating past fullness is a sign of binge for me and that is not an option.

There seems to be recurring problem with me going lower than 55 kg for some reason. In high school my mom threatened to take me to a doctor if I drop below 50, but I never managed to break through 55 lmao.

It's probably too early to call this plateau, but still, not a fun place to be in. I read some articles about set point theory, but I'm not certain if this is true (most of them are super old lol). Either way I need out, so I upped my calories today and drank a ton of water and I'll think about what I'm gonna do tomorrow, and there is a fast on the horizon for sure.
 
#11 ·
07/01/2023
Calories eaten: 982
Money eaten: 13,36 (total: 37,03)
Exercise: 6 k steps
Weight: 55.7 kg (ugh)

Breakfast: two slices of toast (110) + hard-boiled egg (76) + ham (31)
Dinner: beef tripe (212) + bun (187)
Snack: milka snow balls (312) + mister choc (65)

I'm not eating this much tomorrow. If the scale doesn't budge, oh well, too bad, I'll keep doing my own thing. Eventually it simply has to go down.

It'll be easier to restrict in a few days since I'm going back to uni and falling straight into this mess of milion tests in the span of two weeks, so hopefully I'll be too busy to eat. I'll make myself too busy to eat.
 
#12 ·
08/01/2023
Calories eaten: 766
Money eaten: 11,62 (total: 48,65)
Exercise: 60ish min workout
Weight: 55.7 kg

Food: pure junk 🤷🏼‍♀️

...sigh.
 
#13 ·
09/01/2023
Calories eaten: 0
Money eaten: 0 (total: 48,65)
Exercise: 4.6 k steps
Weight: 55.6 kg

First day back at uni was spent saying total bullshit and making a fool out of myself in pharmacology class... But that's okay, anti vaxxers exist, so I'm not the worst one around.

I did some studying, as much as I could in the evening, but breaks are brutal. I'm not really physically hungry, just weirdly food obsessed? At one point I got super nauseous and let me tell you, looking at different pictures of uterine cancer didn't help much.

My only solution is to probably go to sleep. No matter how hungry I am in the evening, morning comes and I'm literally food repulsed. It's like a reset button, works like magic.

Now is not the greatest time to heavily restrict, because I have so many tests one after another and I should be the best version of myself, but couldn't I please, please, be the best version of myself while still losing weight? Swear to god, if the scale doesn't move by the end of this week I'm eating maintenance this weekend. And if that doesn't help, then I'll just wait it out.
 
#14 ·
10/01/2023
Calories eaten: 993
Money eaten: 9,81 (total: 58,46)
Exercise: 6.2 k steps
Weight: 55.5 kg

Breakfast: two slices of toast (110) + hard-boiled egg (76) + ham (31)
Dinner: beef tripe (212) + bun (187)
Snack: mister choc (259)
 
#15 · (Edited)
11/01/2023
Calories eaten: 973
Money eaten: 8,76 (total: 67,22)
Exercise: 12.4 k steps
Weight: 55.5 kg

Breakfast: two slices of toast (110) + hard-boiled egg (76) + ham (31)
Dinner: boiled potatoes (79) + fried eggs (162) + broccoli (39) + oil (9)
Snack: mister choc (324) + kvarg (64) + apple (25) + cereal (40)

Thank god I finished a pack of mister choc today, I couldn't (and sort of didn't want to) stop myself from eating them. They fit into my daily cals, but were totally unnecessary.

I passed first test of many that I'll have to take in January. It's a big relief, because retaking it would seriously interrupt in my preparations for the next one. I'll take a short rest and get back to studying soon. Hopefully I can keep that momentum going.
 
#16 · (Edited)
12/01/2023
Calories eaten: 926
Money eaten: 9,21 (total: 76,43)
Exercise: 2.9 k steps
Weight: 55.5 kg
 
#17 · (Edited)
13/01/2023
Calories eaten: 772
Money eaten: 8,07 (total: 84,50)
Exercise: 11 k steps
Weight: 55.5 kg
 
#18 · (Edited)
14/01/2023
Calories eaten: 1756
Money eaten: 19,27 (total: 103,77)
Exercise: 3k steps
Weight: 55.5 kg

I cannot with this plateau. Maintenance day today and tomorrow. It's been far too long. I'll do my best to fast sometime this week, but I'm going back to the hospital for classes, so we'll see how that goes. Restricting as usual will do too. Hopefully this will help.
 
#19 ·
15/01/2023
Calories eaten: 1489
Money eaten:
Exercise: NONE
Weight: 55.8 kg
 
#20 ·
16/01/2023
Calories eaten: 688
Money eaten:
Exercise: 8.7 k steps
Weight: 55.8 kg

I'm kinda lazy with counting money eaten lately, I swear I'll get to it someday.

I was so hungry in the morning it was honestly crazy as most of the time I don't really feel physical hunger? It'll be easier tomorrow, because I'm starting classes earlier and won't really have time to eat something beforehand. It's looking pretty good so far.

What is not looking good however is my level of commitment to studying lmao. I'm tired. I think I'll give myself a break today and just try to fix my sleeping schedule as it's went to shit in the past couple of weeks.

My best friend got sick and I really missed talking with her today. I can destroy myself all I want, but when people close to me are unwell it makes me super anxious.
 
#21 · (Edited)
17/01/2023
Calories eaten: 973
Money eaten:
Exercise: 14.9 k steps
Weight: 55.8 kg

For the love of god, why am I so tired.
 
#22 ·
18/01/2023
Calories eaten: 946
Money eaten:
Exercise: 18.3 k steps
Weight: 56 kg

Updating this a day late because my calorie tracking app was under maintenance and I couldn't remember what I ate lmao. Also I know my weight is going up like nobody's business, but there was some kind of problem with BM for me and I started the famous prune therapy that day.
 
#23 ·
19/01/2023
Calories eaten: 987
Money eaten:
Exercise: 3.2 k steps
Weight: 56.2 kg

I'm weirdly hungry lately. Can't imagine living like I did a few weeks ago, off of 300 calories a day and exercising on top of that. I'm not sure if that's just how high restriction works of me or if I'm just doing lot of things all day lately - like a proper fucking adult. By the way, it's crazy that in high school my day used to end at 4 pm. Yeah I was anemic, but still, I'd come back home and just collapse in bed and basically stay there until the next day. Now I have classes, things to do, appointments, I'm doing my own cooking, cleaning, studying lots...

Maybe because I'm a lot less depressed than I used to be when I lived with my mother. God, the quality of life truly skyrocketed. And yet she had the audacity to believe I'm going to miss her lmao. Not one bit. I'm aware those are the best moments of my whole life so far, even though I'm deciding to ruin them with restriction. But to be honest I'm still in honeymoon phase of this relapse. I'm doing good.

Had a BM today, so the scale better drop tomorrow. Prunes are awesome, I'm going to include them in my normal diet.
 
#24 ·
20/01/2023
Calories eaten: 985
Money eaten: I don't think I'll count at this point lmao
Exercise: 9.3 k steps
Weight: 55.8 kg

Fun class today, overall a good day. I miss my best friend and crush, but it's only a little bit until I see them both.
 
#25 ·
21/01/2023
Calories eaten: 984
Exercise: 3.8 k steps
Weight: 55.8 kg

Why am I so snackyyyyy. Am I turning into junkorexic or what 💀 I'll finish off the sweets that I stupidly bought and stop that bullshit altogether. I'll only allow the greatest thing in existence - mini ice cream bars that are 31 cals each, but I'll limit myself to 1 a day.

I've got a feeling that my period is coming. It's always super irregular, so I can't tell for sure. Also I'm thinking about reducing my calorie limit next month. In January it was a 1000, in February it'll be 900 and so on. I'm curious how low I can go and still function at least semi-normally. I also really want to try and reach a longer fast. I think my longest one so far was just under 48 hours, but I didn't record it - and I was super stressed, that works like the best appetite suppressant for me. But I'm not sure where in year I could fit longer fasts. I'll be working in hospital full time in July, so I cannot put my selfish ED before others' health, so maybe August? Although probably my fam will force me to spend it with them. Honestly no idea. Maybe I should start practicing now so I could function normally in uni even while fasting? Can one even practice fasting?

Or maybe I shouldn't fast at all. I know restriction does the trick and fasting only leads to binges, but there's something pure in not eating that's so tempting. I'll think about it.
 
#26 ·
22/01/2023
Calories eaten: idk, like a million?
Exercise: I don't even want to check, probably around 8 steps
Weight: 55.8 kg
 
#27 ·
23/01/2023
Calories eaten: 198
Exercise: 11.1 k steps
Weight: 55.8 kg

I'm kinda scared to write this here, but I want to try 2468 diet. I'm not very prone to binging, yesterday I just didn't gave a fuck anymore and was too tired of the scale not moving, so I told myself "ah fuck it". And I stand by it, what's the point of denying myself satiation if I'm not even losing because of it?

But then again, I DO want to lose. It seems impossible on a 1000 a day though. I mean, I would probably eventually lose, but I lack patience. 2468 seems doable; only 200 calorie day sounds challenging, but then it gets better every day, and dropping low after 800 calories isn't tragically hard for me.

But I need to be active. I come in contact with a lot of sick people every day and I need to be on top of my game. I need to keep passing my tests, I need to study, I need to be efficient. I don't know it it'll be sustainable. It's my first time going on a diet like this, so I'll have to figure it out as I go.

I figured I want a structured diet, I want something with varying calorie intake and I lowkey don't want to decide those things myself every single day. ABC is too low though and I don't like fasts; the mental hunger is crazy and makes it hard to function. And I need to stay on top of my electrolyte intake as well otherwise I feel dizzy - it's pleasant when I'm free, but not while trying to focus. So just why bother?

So yeah. I know the first day doesn't mean shit as far as predicting if I'm gonna stick to it goes, but I'll do my best. I'll also stop weighing myself daily, because it's frustrating lmao. I'll weigh myself at the beginning of every cycle or every Monday, haven't yet decided.
 
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